Boxing

It’s Tuesday it’s my day off and I’m ready to go to the gym . I feel exhausted . I know it’s stress . I have to push myself through it . Better days will come . People you love will let you down and fail you and even leave you 

This has been very hard on me this year . I don’t even trust myself anymore because the things I believed in the most were a lie . I’m a pretty smart girl been through so much how did I get things so wrong . I’m baffled 

I remember about 5 months ago I told myself even when things were uncertain to keep pushing to my goals and crush them ! Physically , emotionally , financially , and spiritually . Why ? Because no matter how sad I am now or what wrong someone would do to me I refuse to be the victim . So when the pain subsides I will look around and think wow I accomplished all this even in the hardest of times and I’ll be where I need to be when I come out of the sadness . This is exactly what I did I did not give up . 

Did the unthinkable happen ? Yes ? Did I accomplish my goals in spite of it? Yes . What if I let the depression get to me and I did nothing with my goals . And when bad things happened I would be in such a bad place . I would hate my self . 

God saved me from drowning . God saved me from a bad situation from a man who is not capable of loving me 

Am I torn apart because my dreams were ripped away from me . The dream of a loving family , the dream of road trips to the mountains , the dream of someone being “ emotionally available “ and being a Godly leader of my home . 

But he didn’t chose this path . And if I didn’t accomplish my goals I would be like girl where did I go wrong ? 

But instead I’m looking God in the eye knowing I’m doing right . Because this is what he has for me . He brought me out of hell not to go back in the dark place . 

Gods land is made of milk and honey . Not pain , lies and confusion . 

Maybe one day I’ll have this dream . I can’t picture it any more honestly for myself . I’m 40. When your 40 and the one isn’t the one it’s time to hang up the towel , I look forward to new goals and Christmas time and making my own travel arrangements . 

Would it have been better with him yes 

But the dream him . Not the reality . 

I’m better off alone . 

We all deserve love . Nothing less . 

And when you actually work hard to do it for yourself you find value in yourself . Your not going to let some loser abuse you at his will because he feels like it and toss you away as he feels like it ....... 

I mean what ?????? I’m God’s child . I’m loving and have the world to offer 

I don’t belong in the gutter . Neither do you . 

Never stop - 

Amy