42 and Single

I know how I got here, it’s been a long road. I invested my all in people that took it no where, sucked who I was dry left me for dead. I been single for well  about 2 years that’s my choice I wanted to . 

Now that my healing is coming to a close I’m missing something. I feel it inside . Apart of me I never cared about before . I haven’t been looking for anyone I hate ( hate ) when people say when your not looking it comes because I’m not a looker and I’m here alone . I never get hit on ever I’m certainly not going to date online. I begin to wonder am I all wrong for every guy ? 

I search any room I’m in I go un noticed. I’m usually fine that but as time now passes I’m wondering will I always be invisible? Is it just not yet my time ? I’ve never been a dater per say I’m to old to waste my time . 

I’m old fashioned I guess I think when it’s here it will come.  But I just don’t think anyone’s coming . I wanted to be married by 42. But my focus is still the same gym, God, daughter , but there is no one outside of that. 

All I can do is pray . That someone will see me . 

Someday right . 

The Big Clock

It’s about 7 am it’s Friday . I’m tired of the virus , the riots and all the craziness outside my window. It’s changed my world this year but not for the worst so far but for the better 

I try to stay positive in these times. Try to look at the glass half full seems cliche but it’s true. It’s 2020 I’m 42. I haven’t dated in almost 2 years because of a really bad break up but what this time has given me is time to reflect and time with my daughter . I was working morning noon and night , commuting hours on the freeway, managing stress from work bullies and the stress to perform on top of that I had no time to heal to see where I was at . 

I’ve come full circle . I wonder if I’m ready to date . In my mind I’m fine by myself . I couldn’t bear the heart ache again but then I think what would I be looking for . Then I think about him . I realize I haven’t let him go . I’m ok with healing process . 

All I know is I’m just fine with living in the moment and being a mom and trying to find a job I love where I can actually inspire people not just sell people on who I am and what I’m selling to make a living , I want to make a difference . This is my time . I feel like things need to happen I’m at the final destination of where it needs to fall into place and I’ve done my fare share of falling. 

I urge everyone to look within today instead of the news or outside chaos. Be your best authentic self or create it ! 

Medford

There is no one else for me 

You were it 

We made a promise to each other 

You didn’t hold up your end of the bargain 

But I did 

You see 

I never loved anyone else 

Never gave to anyone else 

It’s always been you 

I think it was hard for you to get better 

I prayed every day 

Even when you never said sorry 

For repeatedly slapping me in the face 

All I can think is you never meant to hurt me 

Even though you did 

Maybe that’s why your gone 

I don’t know . 

All I know is I pray every day for God to provide 

For what’s best for me and raigan 

It does not have to be a man 

Just food clothes and a job 

I pray your ok 

I look you up sometimes like an angle secretly praying for you 

Hopefully the prayers help 

Forever yours 

Amy