Journey

Maybe if I was Alcapone and not Alice I could maybe wear a gun on my sleeve and maybe pretend I don’t have to feel a thing but instead Alice shares her heart to her own devices and it serves her morning under coffee and prayers that maybe he’ll find me here . Jesus tells me to be strong and I suck back the tears on my morning drives and I think I can’t get through this . 

Maybe we can smoke our cigars God and I know you got this - but it does not make today’s pain better so I’ll pretend for a moment that Alice has a gun and we are soldiers .

Just for a moment because maybe we are soldiers and maybe we are brave . 

As we fall effortlessly down the rabbit holes . Scraping our knees all the way down , looking up for your hands to grasp for us once again . 

And we wait ..... God said - girl it’s a journey . So I put on my Al Capone face but I’ll tell you it isn’t working as tears fall . But I’m a soldier said - Alice . 

And she wears her heart on this sleeve 

Even though it’s not ok . 

Jesus tells me it’s going to be alright . 

Stranded

So tonight is awesome . It’s 100 degrees at 9:30 pm stranded in corona with a flat tire no air and a dying phone . Heart rate a solid 100 and I was supposed to go running and watch a movie with Raigan now I may get mugged or something . So awesome . This sucks and it’s hot . Oh my god I hate the summer . And where is my sugar free ice cream .... hopefully someone saves me .

Morning Drive

Every morning I leave for work . I put in punk music and then a heavy sadness and the reminder of him being gone starts to erode my morning . It’s a dark fog I can’t escape . How can I ? He is my love and he’s gone . I drive every morning this way for months now . I listen to music as tears stream down my face . I decided to make it my prayer time . It’s the kind of sadness that can take you down you know what I mean . Such a big loss you can’t stomach it . So I decided to pray . 

On my morning drives sometimes I weep , sometimes I question God , sometimes I beg God and sometimes I tell God I’m giving up . This is my reality . I’m sharing this with you because in my sorrow God has been teaching me something . 

Every time I get to the point where I’m so upset I can’t take it . Like I just can’t anymore . God reminds me of his miracles he can do in my life and what he is doing in my life . He shows me not to give up hope . 

He also tells me to walk in his power . I mean that’s pretty strong . I walk like I’m strong but it’s fake . I’m so sad it’s not even funny and no one knows or understands . Do you know what it’s like to abruptly lose the love of your life ? 

I’m sure I’m not alone . But no one can stop the pain . So here God is telling me to walk in “ His “ power . Wow . 

God is almighty . There is nothing God can’t do . In God’s power I can find joy in my sorrow because God will bring me a future of hope . God will work all this out . He will provide and be there for me and Raigan . 

God has the power to change all our lives . My love could be back in the future if it’s Gods will . These things I don’t know . All I know is I have to trust God in whatever happens . 

I dream about my future now . Dream about what it could be . God Is blessing us in so many ways even though I carry so much sorrow . 

But I’m holding Gods hand through this valley of hell im walking through 

I never thought in my life I could be so broken hearted . Or could have gone through so much . I don’t deserve it , I don’t understand it . But God is working I know this . That’s all I have right now to get me day to day honestly . 

I encourage anyone going through hard times to ask God to speak to you and he will . He will show you the way 

Now if only this terrible weather would go away . Good night everyone . 

Funerals

I fought a war
You drew this map
Told me everything we were fighting for
Blood and bone you said
Well make it baby til the end .

I loved you
I love you

I grabbed your hand
You told me to hold on tight
We made it to the finish line

And then

You let me go .

Mirrors

This blog will take a big turn so bare with me it’s nothing what it seems in the beginning to where I’m going in it’s ending . I’ve had a hard time with the whole you got to love yourself Amy concept . If I told you how bad it was you would never believe how deep self hatred could run . I used to not be able to even walk into a store because I felt I was to ugly . I’m serious . I thought people in the mall looked at me because of my ugliness and every laugh was at my disgust . I would leave immediately and drive off in my car .  As a young girl I started at the gym with trainers thousands of dollars hours and hours at the gym on Friday nights it was never good enough . I started taking laxatives and meth to be better . I was so thin but still I thought I was so fat . I went to have Lipo suction the doctor told me I was crazy I ordered him to do it any way . It runined my body for life it left me with lines on my legs that resemble cellulite because I had no fat it ruined my body . I was only 23 years old . Sadly I almost died in my eating disorders . I realized God had more for me . I stopped what I was doing and just went to the gym . It caused me to gain weight . No drugs no laxatives , my body was in shock .

After a few years I was able to get back to where I was but after a baby you go back and forth but you get the picture . Now at 40 the self hate is still there . I here it all the time - Amy get confident . I laugh I don’t even know what that means or where to start . God says I’m beautiful I’m his princess but how do I receive that ?

I had a boyfriend who told me I wasn’t pretty enough . It made sense to me because I hated myself I needed to be perfect a model to be loved right ????? Well the lies I told myself said so . But it was dead wrong ! So was he . I look around at couples they aren’t Instagram models and they are crazy for each other . I think about all the loving things I did for my boyfriend he was damn lucky to have me ?!!! So what’s going on ?

Then it hit me . Value . I saw a quote 2 days ago that said love yourself like you want your soul mate to love you . Wow ! Now I get it . I wanted my boyfriend to love me , value me , make me feel beautiful , special , unique . Here I am telling myself I’m ugly , worthless , and invisible .

Boy oh boy . Not really the message of love at all . It’s not how God loves us . Not how my boyfriend should love me either .

Even though I still spend countless hours in the gym , it’s because I want to feel good but I don’t care what people think . Because I have value . I’m a great friend , I was an amazing girlfriend I’m a good mom . Even though I struggle with what I tell myself still and looking at a mirror I’ll remind myself to love me the way I want my soul mate too .

Love me the way God loves me .

I wanted to share .

Love

Me

Checkered Seas

I was swallowed by a checkered sea
No one could save me
It said drink me - Alice .
He kissed me so innocently
As I fell far down the rabbit hole

And consiquently it’s where I lost my direction
Upside down
Into paintings and into ceilings
That’s what love does .
The kind that’s made of things that are real

The rabbit can’t even tell time , you know
His watch is broken
He’s my best friend
He says Alice - time can’t erase it

Erase what , rabbit .
Love - he said .

Alice pauses for a while .
She can’t escape
The ceilings are sidewalks
Windows are sky’s , in a world full of masks
And misunderstanding

Alice drinks her tea
She finds hope behind a glass door
Well make it .
As the rabbit taps his watch

Alice says she must keep moving
Hides her tears in a box
Between words and broken letters

Trying to find her way back to home
And the rabbit asked - do you know where home is
Alice ?
Yes Alice says .

I just lost it .

Reality Check

I wrote a blog on this years ago . Today’s society is beauty obsessed but let’s get real it’s fake . If you follow any big cosmetology plastic surgery every swim suit model , play boy even fitness model is doing fat sucking , fat lasering , face implants , nose jobs , lip implants . So our little girls are upping the bar to look like only what money can’t buy and men are watching porn obsessing over coc addict girls trying to be as thin as possible it’s just not reality . Of course being the best you can be is the best way in a healthy way . I’m a victim to of scociety at best . Surgery , Botox , drugs , eating disorders to be accepted . I’ve almost killed my self to be loved and to simply love myself . Technology is making us naracasist . Lovers of what’s on the outside and so many of these people have no character no depth no love , we need to focus on our own unique beauty . So someone can love you for you not because you look like every other girl on Instagram . And fuck them if they don’t you have so much to offer !!! Let’s not teach our daughters to devalue themselves . They are enough !!!!

Have a great day ! I’m off to work !

Lighter Notes

This week I found myself coming down with a cold . At first I fought through it , I went to the gym tired and sick even though I was sick and tired - and tired and sick . I spend every moment counting calories and measuring my body I couldn’t miss gym time . Then it hit me like a ton of bricks I was dearthly ill and I missed the gym . The week before I was going twice a day . Now I missed I ran my body down I’m sure . 12 hour shifts and the gym and no nutrients my body said eff you Amy ! I called in sick to work after being up all night sicker then I’ve ever been and rushed to 24 hour urgent care . I couldn’t afford Raigan to get sick or miss any more gym or work ! For God’s sakes I’m gaining weight by the minute and losing money here ! Lol . The doctor said I may have pneumonia and he would write me out of work for 5 days ! I said please don’t do he wrote me out for 2 and I still went to work today . Barely making it but I’m a soldier and I sold 5k. Yesterday was surreal I spent the whole day sleeping and eating carbs it was like a day of heaven . I felt so guilty but I measured myself this morning I lost half inch off my waste I guess because I’m so sick . But hey one day of sleeping and eating a casadilla won’t kill anyone but it felt good . Today I feel better .

Tomorrow is my gym day I probably shouldn’t go . But I might . But what I learned is maybe just maybe it’s ok to not be so hard on yourself once in a while and taking a break is ok .

It’s late I just got home from work . I need to rest . But at least I burned 2500 calories at work today so it’s not a total loss . Sad I had to get sick to slow down . But next week we will be back on track again !!!

My advice is - take a break even if it’s for a day we all deserve it !

The Blog Everyone Should Read

I follow Brittany Furlan . Tommy Lees fiancé . Why you ask ? Because she is pretty kick ass chick who is real and down to earth and not afraid to be herself . Love these kinds of woman . I read her blog today hit me like a ton of bricks because it hit so close to home . How being in a bad situation can cause you to doubt who you are . Because of someone else’s brokenness . People can do a lot of damage to us and we internalize it as we were not enough . But really it’s there issues . Patterns they need to break not breaking us . I went through this same thing or very simular situation and even though the story isn’t 100% the same it’s same patterns and it caused the same damage . The lesson in how things should and shouldn’t be are so night and day . I’m going to copy and paste her blog below it’s a beautiful story . Don’t let anyone make you believe your not enough . Because you should be eveything and more and they should never need anything else .


Here it goes :

Social Media & Dating 

Today I’m going to talk about relationships, and the social media age and how it’s affecting so many relationships. 

I dated a guy before Tommy who was addicted to stalking girls on social media. While he was dating me (and supposedly only me) he messaged tons of other girls on Instagram, using his “status” to try to get them to meet up with him. One time I caught him messaging a girl on Twitter when I activated his old phone. How did I get to that point? (I’ll get there) Was that right? Probably not, but after you’ve been through it so many times (as I had at that point) and you start to get that suspicious feeling, you kind of have to itch the scratch, even if you know it’s gonna hurt. I wish that one time that I checked his stuff, I never found anything, but every time I looked, there was something. It was awful. It made me feel not good enough for anyone, unlovable…it made me feel a sadness within myself that I’ve never felt before. Why wasn’t I enough? It took me a VERY long time to realize that it was his problem, not mine. After talking with other exes of his I found out this was just a pattern. But the damage was done. I became an insecure girl.

Originally posted by remanence-of-love

See, before that relationship I had never been cheated on, never been hurt; never dated someone who would hurt me. So it was such a shock to me to go through this. To become that insecure girl who had to check up on her boyfriend. It all started with me seeing what girls he was following. There were some “Instagram models” but I let that go. I let that go until one day I saw his dms. And saw he was messaging so many of them, blatantly hitting on them. I lost myself. I became this crazy, insecure, broken woman. I didn’t get why he didn’t just dump me? Security I suppose? If there are any guys out there reading this, and you’re doing that shit to a girl right now, just do her a favor and break up with her. No girl needs to deal with that

Now I’m only sharing that because I want to tell you how great my relationship is now, and how most relationships should be in this day and age if they want to survive this social media influenced world. 

So here’s what we do- When I first started dating Tommy, obviously I was worried because he had this “bad boy” reputation. Everyone told me a guy like him would break my heart. So I went into the relationship very cautiously. I was worried about other girls, I was already scathed from my previous relationship and didn’t trust any guy. I would see girls text him, but he was very open about it. He told me straight out in the beginning that he was seeing other people. I understood because we had just met. Then after a week or so he decided he just wanted to see me. I told him everything I had been through before and that I couldn’t go through that again. And then he did something amazing, he took my thumb, and put it on his phone and said, “you can look at my phone whenever you want to. I will never hurt you.” I was like, what? Who is this guy? No guy would ever do this. So for the first few weeks, I saw a bunch of stuff from girls still trying to hang on, and we would laugh about it together. He showed and shared everything with me. And then eventually I just stopped checking. He made me feel so secure, and so safe, and so loved, that there is no need for me to look at anything. And honestly, I think that kind of trust is what will make you survive this social media age. If a guy has nothing to hide, he should have no problem with you looking at his phone whenever. It shouldn’t be a big deal. You should be able to pick up his phone just as you would pick up your phone. It’s just a stupid device. If there’s no secrets between you two then it shouldn’t be a problem. 

Now, as for the issue girls have about their boyfriends, or husbands following a bunch of Instagram models, here’s what I have to say- I don’t think it’s appropriate for a guy to follow a girl or girls he doesn’t know that post a bunch of scantily clad images if he’s in a relationship. It’s just not cool. Because you’re clearly only looking at that page to get your jollies off, and you should be doing that with your significant other. I’m not saying to never look at another beautiful girl again, because that’s not possible, it’s human nature to observe beauty, but you should have respect for the person that you’re dating, and you should be liking them and their posts and not need this outer attraction. Also, if you want to get your jollies off, do it privately with porn or something. There’s no need to hurt people. 

If you’re single guy, do whatever you want, but if you bring someone into your life, and you want to have a relationship with them, respect them. A Girl is like a flower in a field; if you’re going to pick it, then you need to take it home, put it in a vase, water it, admire it and take care of it. You don’t pick a flower out of the field, and then take it home and throw it on the counter to die. 

Homeless

I remembered today I brought him our soup while he was away I wanted him to have a peice of home while he was away . I wanted him to feel all the love I had .  But maybe it wasn’t enough . I don’t know . Maybe he didn’t love me back , I don’t know . If he did wouldn’t he not have a home with out me ?

I’m a homeless girl I know that .

saviors

It’s 11:22 pm and sometimes I come to the ledge where I’m really not ok and god pulls me back but I find myself on this ledge a lot . It really sucks

News

It’s Saturday morning about 11 am I’m sitting in my car about to go to work . It’s so hot I hate this weather . I’m looking for a new place in vista I figure this is getting me closer to the beach .

I’m writing today about God’s blessings even in times of great destruction and when you feel like your walking through a great valley God I know for me he is teaching me to trust him .

All his promises he is doing in my life . I’m making 5 times the amount of money at my new job
I am blessed with great support of friends right now . My health is doing good I’m at the gym every day . But other things still I have some deep sorrows . I spend time alone praying to God for the things I know will come and isn’t here yet . God wants me to trust him right now with my life and he’s teaching me to do that by providing me every day with new blessings . So I can have peace with trusting him with the big stuff . I know this is a process it’s hstd it’s painful and I weep a lot but in the nightmare I have this strange peace because god is proving over and over again that he is here

I just have to have faith . Now I must get out of my car in the heat blahhhhh I hate hot .
Any way hope you all have a great day .

Don’t forget this is one of my favorite verses I’ll share with you .
God will give back what the locust have eaten . That is incredible ! What destruction has Satan done in your life . God will restore it !’ Amen !!’