Monday, February 19, 2018

Its Just The Rain

It’s funny the things that you find in the rain . - Tori Amos 

I remember as a small girl around 10 , one of those memories as a child one should not have . My mother said I liked the attention from him , if she only new what her evil heartless remark meant . 

He took me into his shed you know he always smelled of pepper mint and scope I always knew it was coming as he raped me from behind . It hurt so bad I bit on a stick so no one could here me screaming as he raped me to his liking 

I prayed each time asking to die  . But I never did . 

I remember when he told me no One else would love me or want me ever . 

That branded me like a searing hot cattle iron and stayed with me my whole life . 

I had the courage to tell my best friend  at the time when I became a little older 
My best friend was 4 years older and very tall and muscular played for the foot ball team . 

One day at a church function we were all there my rapist , me and my best friend . My best friend walked up to my rapist and told him , I love her sir . And I know what you did . 

I was so proud at this moment that someone stuck up for me . It was my proudest moment . 

I never asked anyone to feel sorry for me I hate Hollywood’s me too hash tags 

Bad things happen , it’s what we do in-spite of them that matters . 

We need to love each other and help one another . You never know what anyone is going through . 

Love is so important to give and to receive . You could save a life . Don’t forget that . 

Sunday, February 18, 2018


It’s raining Alice .
The trees bend in sorrow like the lost smiles hiding under winters shadows .

I hold a hundred notes written in pen
Return to sender addressed to him
He couldn’t see it .

Alice drops face first
In April’s funeral .
I sit here screaming and I’ve lost my voice
He just couldn’t see me .

There’s just no use Alice .
God holds my tears in a casket
Under pillows and dark nights

I’ve made oceans
As I lie alone
Still an orphan to love .

I carved our initials in wood
You carved our initials in pen .

I traded my worth for scars
Only to be stranded and alone .

Alice where is it now we go .
I ask God for forgiveness
Should’ve cautioned all of this
With all the bruises and hand prints
He left on my eyes .

I’ll give you my star I wished on every night
I think she broke some how
Fell from this sky .

Alice make me strong again
Oh my dear you were all along .

Yellow Tape .

Yellow Tape . 

This morning I was more tired than usual , I think the stress of everything caught up with me at 1 am last night and my heart was racing . I been having panic attacks the past few months it’s something new .  I new some things were wrong , very wrong . Sometimes you get that feeling from the bottom of your heart to the pit of your stomach , the feeling you been ignoring because you want everything to turn out just fine 

But you wake at 1 am because you know it’s not , your body reacting to what you been holding inside . 

It’s hard to face facts . To lose the ones you love the most , or the ones who are supposed to protect you hurt you the most , it’s a lot to come to terms with 

All I know is it needs to change . One by one I need to extricate the things that are hurting me . That do not value me 

It’s a promise I made to myself long ago so why am I feeling this way . Around 9:30 am this morning I went to the store I noticed an over turned car and a young girl was dead . It was shocking so easily we can die . Any of us . Why do we waste our lives on people who hurt us or take us for granted ? We only live once 

We have a standard right . Why would we let anyone take it away ? Most importantly why do people want to ? 

All I can do is trust God seek him first and fill my life with people who seek God first as well and have my best interest at heart . Why ? Because that’s how I treat others . 

Live like you only have today . 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

At The Edge

What do you do when you find your self at a bridge you can’t find your way across .  A deep sadness that won’t quit and can’t be fixed . What do you do when your sitting at a funeral , there is nothing you can do to bring life ? 

I see another road . I just need to sit in this place for a while . I thought this was the way . 

I know now I was wrong . I traveled so far to get to this bridge , fought the unthinkable and barely survived the journey . All to figure out it’s not my path? ? 

I close my eyes and pretend it’s raining as my heart races . I’m lost in this jungle 
I’m alone . 

I pray the hardest I’ve ever prayed . I ask why God ? I can only trust him and go the other way . 

I don’t understand wasting steps wasting love or time . If you invest everything  you have into something how does it simply not give back ? 

All I know now is pain . I’m an orphan to love . My knees are raw and bloody . 
I’m tired and filthy . And most of all I’m lost and alone . 

I’m brave yes . I risked everything yes . 
For what ? 

I’ll sit here at the edge of the world and watch this broken bridge that led to my future . 

I need rest . Wouldn’t it be nice to be loved . God show me your love let me feel your love . Heal me so I may continue on . 

Dear stalker

Dear Tony crespo

You are a stranger I had to call the police because you were harassing and stalking me I see that you check my blog obsessively . I can see eveything . The fact you check it all night long 16 times is crazy . I don’t know you I never did but you need to leave me alone .

Wednesday, February 14, 2018


Its 6:45 pm its Valentines . I’m at work alone it’s quiet . I hate this holiday for so many reasons one of them being , why not show this amount of love every day ? Two it’s alwats been cursed for me .
I spent my Valentines 3 years ago with someone I grew up with a Christian guy who proclaimed he had so much love to give me . As I drove to his house for our date after my 15 hour shift I found him so wasted he passed out ten min later . Never to be heard from again . Not even an apology . I mean who can we trust these days ? Last year I received an expensive bouquet of roses by someone who had money to spend because money didn’t matter not because I mattered . This year I’m alone because I was told I mattered but there was never an action to show that he cared at all . In fact he did eveything opposite and broke every promise . 

I can’t play the blame game . I mean why am I picking bad people ? Why am I doing all the caring while they do the taking ? One sided relationships are damaging and toxic 

I deserve to be someone’s queen , not the after thought . Maybe I should listen to my own motto I wrote years ago . I need to pick up my value in gold where they see me as pennies I need to let them go and run ! Who do they think they are.  ? Narcissism at its finest . I’m a pretty damn good catch 

Someone will realize it . But first the person I need to fall in love with is myself . And not let losers like these walk on me and make me cry . I’m not an option I’m a priority . 

Here is my anthem I wrote long ago words to live by : 

I am just a writer .... waiting for you.. to give me a reason to write.

Carpe Diem.... Life Is A Stage .. What is your part.. Live without regret..Live loudly..Wish Big...Always accept an invitation.. Always follow your dreams.. Always love like you've never been hurt before.. Always hold onto your Aces..Dance like you drank a little too much..Never let any one tell you who you are.. Always be who you are.. Never let any one yell at you and tell you it's all your fault ... We are here to be loved not misused , abused , or taken for granted.. Never forget to Pray because God never forgets you... I love Italian Food and I love to live dangerously.. I love scary movies and I want to go back packing ... My dream is to see castles in England and to find my prince who can give his heart whole heartedly... I love to write poetry , The ocean is my sanity , I love to smile.. I love my friends they're always there to catch me when I fall .. or when I've been pushed around.. I love my son Austin he is my hero.. My light at the end of every tunnel.. God is my passion he leads me through every dark night.. and every scary battle.. And here I am now.. Loving you ... Loving life for all that it has to give me.. Good and bad.. tears and smiles.. Nights of loneliness and some full of love... Lets all do this ride together.... Here we go... No Regrets..

My life is not lived in black and white , I don't regret that . People can judge me before they ever know me , I don't regret that either , that's their regret . I have my mistakes you have yours , we have our friends that chose to walk the path and not leave our sides , that's called family . I have family who does not walk with me , that's called strangers . I care about the people who won't need to write out the speech at my funeral , they'll speak it by heart - that's brotherhood ..... 

I like old Skool music and simple words that hold all their meanings because words mean everything . That's the only thing I take very seriously , other wise I hate rules and propaganda and any walls that try to hold me .... 

I hate circumstance and honour comes before my needs . That's just who I am . My kids saved my life as well as Jesus , they are the macaroni to my cheese - 

Shoot me if I love with my whole heart I just don't love every body - 

But I love the needy and I encompass empathy I hate hypocrisy . 
I love fun and sarcasm and challenges 
I'm smarter than I let on I just let you talk to much .
If you left me , you didn't know me and I'm probably better off - 

This concludes my story if you didn't know I love tori Amos and I write in historical codes in my poetry . If you can figure out Anastasia you may be smarter than me - 

- Agent Orange

Black Petals

They say the rabbits watch is cracked
I been listening to his direction all along
He says Alice , don't cry .
It's the rain you know in your sky that rust all the knobs on your heart
And I am alone she says
As she waits on the storm
Am I the only one I asked the rabbit ? As I watch the roses wither in winter or did he know black is my favorite color .

I left notes along the path
You never read them
Just buried them in the snow
It's kind of like a heart attack
As I wait in my jacket invisible
He says your just a peasant
He never saw her crown
The rabbit mourns
I'm lost in the hallways -
I am found .

I no longer write for you
As you hide behind your mask .
It's half past 9 now
And my trail of I love you s are long lost and forgotten like yesterday's trash .

Alice your a beautiful mess
Red lip stick
Don't worry the rabbit says
Your beautiful like the sunset