Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Type Ropes

It’s 9:36 am . I have anxiety so bad I can’t sleep . Wounds seething at night praying to be healed . I find my heart racing and I clutch my chest will I live ? 

I’ve found I’ve been through much more than I can bear this year . I want to be strong not vulnerable . I’m scared never been so scared . I feel like I’m walking on a high rise on a windy day . All day all night . It never subsides . Depression seems to be alarming my daughter catches me off guard ask me if I’m ok . 

I try to pray and read verses . Let God be in control . I’m usually good at this but not today or yesterday . 

I can’t shake it . I can’t breathe . 
I can’t escape it . 

Friday, January 12, 2018

Letter to You

It’s been a while hasn’t it . It’s friday night 6:30 pm . And I’m listening to Boxer - Mistaken For Steangers . I feel a deep drepression coursing through my veins like a poison rotting away at my joy
The weird thing is , I realize this is Love in its rare form . My boyfriend is away for a few weeks , and I miss him deeply . I don’t think I’ve eaten more than a meal in a week . I guess when someone you love is gone you realize some things . You realize who you don’t love and you realize how vulnerable you are that fear consumes you that you could lose them , he could forget me . Maybe this does not sound rational but our relationship has not been conventional . And I’m swallowing coal . Praying it’s gods will that we will survive any storm .

Maybe he fears the same things . Maybe he does not . I will not know for a while but what I do know is that it’s friday night . I’m writing all of you as you are all out partying and laughing and I’m in bed missing him . I’m hoping he’s missing me . And love this thing ain’t easy . But we can’t chose who we love but we chose to continue to love .

And I chose him . Maybe I’ll try to sleep these days away or find joy in my daughters smile or in prayer , or the fresh air . I mean I am alive and I have come to conclusions and some I have not .

The question now is how long can I go with out eating . How do I make the stress not kill me

- Agent Orange

Sunday, December 17, 2017

The Magician


It's like I'm drowning at sea
Hoping that you reach for me
I know you're there, but I can't see
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
I'm dying to breathe
And all you do is strangle me
Such a beautiful relief
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
Drunk off tragic endings- Eminem 



It’s a copper wire laying in a bed of water 
It’s my eye lash falling in the winter 
It’s my heart beating in the sewer 

You mock my time served with - you 
Spitting in my face 
As I grab your hand to save you from falling 

You slit my throat as I lean over for a kiss 
Now I pulled the rug 
You thought you were the great magician 

I’m holding these cards 
I throw yours 
Just the joker 

I’m the queen - 

There’s a bed I lay alone in 
But there’s no room 
For murderers 
As my panties lay wet 
Like paint on a wall in church 
I sacrificed for you 

You drove the nail through 
You set me on fire 
You tell me you love me 
As you hang me from the banister 

You think it’s ok 
And every excuse is one last breath 
Leaving 

Old diamonds 
Old dreams 
Shatter in the fire 

You laugh in the darkness 
As you blow away our ashes 

I’ve never seen such a murder scene 

And you say baby ? 

As you disrespect me ? 

So let’s play ring around the rosey
As I laugh at your stupidity 

How can you say you love me 
As I drowned in your sea . 

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Painting


There’s something about a picket fence 
I’m always on the wrong side of 
And all the initials you carved on this tree 
Who else’s are carved on your bottles 
As you get lost with out me 

I’m a memory know one seems to hold on to 
Nothing important to do . 

I lay on the grass counting lost peices of sky 
Is everything going to be alright 

No one holding my hand . 
Always alone again 

I gave you paper heart 
Cursive note 
Read I love you 
As it blows 
Away in the wind . 

What’s one more 
One more night 
Forgetting about me . 

As I lie here on the other side of the fence 
Looking in 
Painted picture frames 
I’m never in . 

Sometimes I cry 
Sometimes I drive . 

When am I worth it 
To take my hand
Carve my initials on your heart 
I’ll be the Braille in your soul 

A moment you can’t let go of 
Not tonight 
Not tomorrow 

And I break 
Break this clock 
And all of it’s reminders 
Of you 

Friday, December 15, 2017

Miracle

So last night I was coming home with raigan from riverside Festival of Lights . We were almost home on the back road of Los Alamos road . If you know this road it is dark and windy . As I entered the back road Raigan was sleeping soundly in the back seat .

I checked my rear view mirror and saw what I thought to be a Porsche coming around the corner at about 150 mph

I know cars I love cars I raced cars as a hobby every day . I know what they can and can’t handle . This car passed me so fast I thought they were going to hit me I knew I would die .

They came with In a inch of hitting us . I called 911. I knew this car would not make it with out crashing . As I was speaking to the 911 operator I turned the bend and the vehicle was crashed on the side of the road it’s tail end in the sky and the dash was unseen planted In the earth and I’m pretty sure there were no survivors at this point I was glad I was already on the phone with 911 to get help they came right away .

I’m blessed to be alive . I don’t know what happened to this car I didn’t leave until help arrived . But you never know when something could happen . Thank you for saving us God

Dear Arsonist


The blind are broken 
Setting the world on fire 
Dear arsonist
Watch the ashes fall . 

I trade letters for regret 
Thank the Lord for my salvation 
I see you in my rear view mirror 
Laughing with your matches 

And I can barely breath 
I’m barely breathing 
As I’m escaping 

And there’s a difference 
Between the ones with hearts 
And the ones with none at all 

And there’s a difference 
With the ones with a conscience 
And the ones who pray to the Lord 

And I thank God for my salvation 
As your world is in flames 
And I can’t save you 
As you laugh 

I escape 
I’m barely breathing 

They say 
In the end times man will have no conscience they will steal , kill and destroy . 

Thank you Lord that I am not blind 
I am not lost . 

Thank you for saving me 
Thank you for your grace 

 Dear arsonist 
I leave you behind 

Trading you letters for regret 
So I can breathe again 

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Blessings

Your not sure how it started your day but you know how it’s going to go . I leave the house with no money and change in case I need money in my gas tank . I pray to God I’ll make it through the day . My pay checks aren’t quite enough to pay all the bills much less Christmas and I’m relying on God to get me through the month . 

I make it to work and a friend is waiting there for me with a Christmas envelope and mind you I didn’t have food that day or the day before or gas money and I open the envelope to find she blessed me with 80 dollars how does that happen on a Sunday , when you have nothing to make it to pay day . God is good and so is my friend . Thank you friend . She has no idea the blessing you brought this week to my life . 

So Thursday comes along I been driving to Rancho Cucamonga every day for work so that money was gone fast and on my way home Thursday night my gas was on zero and my ex husband told me to stop by that night to get some money early for raigan he would be out of town 
What is the timing on that ? Thank you 
God . 

I sat at work this week with no customers and a man called he was a stranger and told me he loved the lord and the lord told him I was a compassionate person I needed to help people and I was wasting my time at my job . He was right I did have a passion for people . 

God works and this week it’s been every single day . I want to send a message to everyone not to give up hope he hears you , he sees you . And thank you to my friends who have helped I love you !!