Monday, October 23, 2017


It’s Monday , I’m off today it’s 8:54 am . I just laid in bed I need to do laundry and possibly make coffee . There is a lot on my mind . But for some reason through all of this I feel peace in my heart . 

Last night my friend asked for advice on her marriage I had no idea there was anything wrong . For 5 years she said they had not had sex . I spoke to her a while . She told me I should be a psychiatrist . I went to college to be one it made me think I should finish . 

I’m everyone’s stopping point for advice 
But I’m never following my own . 
If I could listen to my own self I wouldn’t put up with an ounce of what I have up until this moment . I would’ve said what were you thinking . You deserve to be treated so much better . Where are you Amy ? 

I’m so excited to find myself again to come out of the preverbal blankets and see that my future can be bright . 

God has a purpose to prosper me not to harm me . Why have I been harming myself ? 

I reminded myself on my walk with Raigan to school how important goal journals are . So I’m going to share it with you . 

Get a journal make a goal for physical 
Financial , spiritual and relationship . A 30 day goal for each one . Write the goal down to complete in 30 days . Every single day write down what you did to accomplish that goal ! 

In 30 days you will have accomplished those goals . You will feel better and be working for something and building dreams ! Do it , you won’t regret it . 

I told a friend of mine to do it , he ended up moving across the country he now works for a nfl football team . You never know where you will end up ! 

Change is powerful . God is powerful . Pray for strength and guidance . Get rid of everything bad in your life . Cling on to what is good . Did you know that the Bible says that Satan is the author of confusion ? 

If something is meant for you it should not be confusing . Gods purpose and his will is not confusing . Do what is right . Pick up your sword . 

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, October 22, 2017

It’s Winter

Tori Amos has a new Album it’s not my favorite but I’m streaming the song Russia for some reason it’s bringing peace to me in my clouded sky . 

Today is day 5 of my liquid diet . My life was spiraling out of control on every level . Controlling my diet has put me in a different place . Although I feel mostly hungry - most of the time I’m getting used to that feeling . I think with self control I can make the 30 day destination . I made promises to myself in January I need to stay true to myself 

How did I lose myself ? 
1. Was to be my very best physically 
2. Be my best financially 
3. Be in a healthy relationship 

This year I lost my job and my gym membership . My depression spiraled to a suicidal thought process as I lost everything one by one . 

I was making bad decisions . I was not loving myself . It’s October . I’m bound and determined to finish this year the best shape possible and to not let any one treat me badly and make excuses for it . 

I have no idea when I will leave this world I refuse to fill my life with anyone who hurts me or treats me badly . 

We can turn this thing around October 
I have a voice I found her . We can do this alone . 

Let’s go 

- Agent Orange 

Sunday, October 15, 2017


Hope leaves a trail at the door 
It’s locked light shines from beneath the door . 

I hold my dreams in my pocket 
I wish it could rain today . 

I’m searching for the thief 
He has the key . 

Why did he shatter me . 

I’m just a librarian 
Reading books 
And I’m exhausted

When will any one read mine 
When will I matter 

The rabbit tells me it’s time 
Time to go 


Saturday, October 14, 2017

U Turns

It’s Saturday morning , I wake up abruptly with a splitting migraine . I feel like I had a night out of drinking whisky and the reality is I was up all night having seizures . I fear that my life will also end abruptly , with my seizures and my heart issues . I face my days not taking them for granted and not wasting any precious moment . 

I left this morning for work , when I stopped to get Advil for my head ache I had this urge to drive back home to hug my daughter . I wasn’t sure if she needed it or if I needed it , all I know is I needed to turn around and see her once more . 

I like to get to work early , make sure my paper work and my day is very organized . I knew I’m going back I would just make it in time . 

I turned around drove 20 min back ran in the house and gave her the biggest hug . I love my daughter . I knew she was surprised and happy . But it made my heart happy too . 

I guess we never know what could happen right . Why not turn around or take the extra time to love our loved ones . 

It made my whole day . 

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

In Recent Events

In recent events of this planet , it seems we just can't make a difference . In the world or the ones around us . But that is not true . We can't give up hope . 

What is your legacy , your mark you want to leave in this world . At your funeral if you died today would they say what you wanted them too ? 

Or is there a different speech you hoped for . Of lost dreams and hopes you let go of . Maybe your already in your grave and stuck . Is being dead in this world as bad as being dead in the after world? 

I think so . 

What is stopping you from really living ? 

We don't know what our last day will be here on earth . How can I or you make a difference ? 

Do your loved ones know they are loved? 

Did you forgive your enemies ? Where does the change begin ? 

That's up to you isn't it ? 
And everyone's mark is different . That's what makes us unique and special . 

Don't forget who you are . 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017


I privately wrapped your heart in my bones
Where were you when I kept you warm
I sank you under white cotton panties
Divided you amongst everything inside my soul
Placed you willingly like a deck of cards
Sat like a king as you laughed at the tears in my eyes

I'm not a beggar in the streets
I held my hand it was the queen

I used to watch you sleep
My heart asking
Love me .

In return for holding your peices together as they cut me .
I write these stories , because you sit in bed and read
But do you feel the absence
Me .

I lay here now in puddles
Who will hold the peices of me ?

As you sink steady in a bottle
My panties empty
With my fingers
A memory of you and me

Breathing as one
In every moment
In the bed
In the car

I can't erase
Like markers on white board

I'm not a beggar .

You hold the cards now
Spilled on your floor .

When you were awake
I watched you sleeping

You never noticed

I was dreaming

Of you

Me .

One Side Of The Bed

" Quiet places no body knows"

I capture the light of your candle
Protect the fire from her wind
It's cold out .

Here's my sweater and the stain of my lips on your cheek
I pass by like a ghost
I remember that time
That time we laughed at midnight

I spun you a paper clip
Cut out my heart posted it to your computer
With a note
Did you ever read it ?

I left my converse on purpose
So you would ask me back again .

There's a telescope love
Hanging from your lips
As we talk in the morning
You ask me to stay .

I capture your candle
There's a storm outside
Protecting your fire
As it burns my fingers
You remind me that it's cold
It's cold inside .

And I offer you a blanket
And you smile .
And my heart is beating
In origami  notes un finished
Never written .

The stain of my kiss left on old cups
As our song plays on the radio

Saved on Polaroids
In empty drawers
Left with blisters .