Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Cracked

I privately wrapped your heart in my bones
Where were you when I kept you warm
I sank you under white cotton panties
Divided you amongst everything inside my soul
Placed you willingly like a deck of cards
Sat like a king as you laughed at the tears in my eyes

I'm not a beggar in the streets
I held my hand it was the queen

I used to watch you sleep
My heart asking
You
To
Love me .

In return for holding your peices together as they cut me .
I write these stories , because you sit in bed and read
But do you feel the absence
Of
Me .

I lay here now in puddles
Who will hold the peices of me ?

As you sink steady in a bottle
My panties empty
With my fingers
A memory of you and me

Breathing as one
In every moment
In the bed
In the car

I can't erase
Like markers on white board

I'm not a beggar .

You hold the cards now
Spilled on your floor .


When you were awake
I watched you sleeping

You never noticed

I was dreaming

Of you
loving

Me .

One Side Of The Bed

" Quiet places no body knows"

I capture the light of your candle
Protect the fire from her wind
It's cold out .

Here's my sweater and the stain of my lips on your cheek
I pass by like a ghost
I remember that time
That time we laughed at midnight

I spun you a paper clip
Cut out my heart posted it to your computer
With a note
Did you ever read it ?

I left my converse on purpose
So you would ask me back again .

There's a telescope love
Hanging from your lips
As we talk in the morning
You ask me to stay .

I capture your candle
There's a storm outside
Protecting your fire
As it burns my fingers
You remind me that it's cold
It's cold inside .

And I offer you a blanket
And you smile .
And my heart is beating
In origami  notes un finished
Never written .

The stain of my kiss left on old cups
As our song plays on the radio

Saved on Polaroids
In empty drawers
Left with blisters .

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Brush Fire

I'm listening to Gohst 36 by NIN , some how fitting for the day that's grey and not just because of the clouds . I feel like I'm coming out of the darkest alley , alluminating it's large clouds and I have barely escaped her . I catch my breath for a moment , I see the brightness of the future beyond the road . I just have to get there . I'm tired , my armor the last thing standing . What does it feel like to lose at war ? He says to me , no it's just begun my dear . Have you ever just wanted a boring life ?

Typically that statement would be like scratches on the chalk board , but I envision we all feel this way in battles . Have you ?  War teaches us who we are . Doesn't it ? I see it , seems so close . The place where there is no pain , and time she mocks me . But I'm still going . Still fighting . So can you

Monday, September 18, 2017

love and everything else

I may not be a lot of things but what I do know is I am so many great things . I know what love is I know what sacrificial love is , I know what it means to love someone more than myself . I realized I have  a good heart . And I have value , I'm a good catch . But in this I learned no one will ever just get my heart again , because I do have value . Even though life is messy and it's not perfect I know I deserve what I put in to a relationship . Unconditional love , sacrificial love and being whole within myself to be able to bring that to the table . In 39 years I can say that I'm proud of who I am and how I love . Wether it works out or not you don't know but in the end it's in Gods hands

Monday, September 11, 2017

Intersection

It's that kind of pain , it can't be changed or made better . The kind you can't fix or stop . You know the kind that is so bad you can't cry or speak . That pain , the kind when someone you love hurts you they don't love you the way you loved them . What do you do with that pain that kills you in the pit of your stomach ? Your heart can't escape it . Everything you once knew destroyed . No going back . Your in a car accident watching over your own dead body alone in the intersection , no one there but yourself . That's where I'm at . That kind of love . That kind of pain .

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

The Way It Goes


I walked into the store this morning with my head down to the ground . Have you ever had that feeling ? Where you just lost all your dignity ? I began to silently laugh at myself , I mean what else could I do . It was either commit suicide or laugh . I mean this in all seriousness . 

I laughed at the fact I had no money because I've had no job for 3 months . How I survived this long I don't know . I laughed because I have no food but I had 4 dollars on my food stamp card to buy eggs this morning . I laughed because I have not been able to get my hair done and it was a mess piled on top of my head , and what a sight was I to the crowd in the store . I laughed because I was wearing a pretty dress but my legs were orange and white stripped from the attempt to tan myself with cheap lotion because I can no longer afford to go tan . I was a joke . 

As I put my head down further I actually began to laugh out loud . Maybe like a crazy person . As I thought of how my phones been shut off . 

As I made my way to the eggs as quietly as I could to not cause any attention to my self I went to pick them up and they fell to the ground breaking all over the store . Yes , I laughed again . What do all these people think of me ? Is she crazy or homeless ? 

As I walked the walk of shame to the cash register I thought well things could always be worse right . 

Tried to count my blessings on my drive home .

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Skeleton orchestra

This worlds nothing more than a magic show , though tragic at times and encased in woe , it all works out , of this truth I know . - Zack Hemsey

A calloused drum set in scars 
Amid the winter under your chest 
So close to the fingers that search 
In her sunlight . 

He drops his head . 

There's a war , she marches 
Nothing gained in the winning . 

He walks out to the ocean 
Hoping to drowned 
But he stopped breathing long ago 

We're alive in an arrow 
Walking aimless 
Guided by the pain 

It's cold in here . 
As I pass through you . 
My heart stops in the hall way . 

No oxygen 
I try to let the light in 
The side walk leads to you 
Also leads to me 
Grab my hand 

A calloused drum set in scars 
Under perfect chest 
So close to fingers grabbing under 
Bone 

Close to my ears 

Wanting you to come home