Misery Loves Company

I’m writing this blog to make people aware of judgement. The other night I was leaving work my boss let me leave 15 min early to carve a pumpkin with Raigan. As I gathered my things all the guys teased me about having a date with a bad boy body builder. I mean there was 6 of them going in and on. As I thought about leaving with no reasonable explanation I decided to speak up. I was disappointed in there view of me. I said first of all I’m dating no one. I have no urge to date I’m following only Gods plan for me right now it’s healing , secondly every day I don’t party or hook up with guys and I spend my lunch reading my bible so I asked them with all this why do you think I’m out for one night stand bad boys ? I said I’m looking for a godly man when I ever date . They laughed harder ! I began to get upset . My boss said it’s my tattoos they give me a bad girl look and this made me mad . Is this how people see me ? Just because I have tattoos ? They can’t see who I am ?

This made me sad . Any way my point is get to know people before you judge who they are .

Denomination

Dust off the ashes 

My eyes are black . 

You put your poison in the veins of my neck . 

You killed me 

And walked away . 

I’m a black widow 

.......

My heart is in pieces in this web 

Your the last drop of heroine 

I’m dead in your arms as you sing me to sleep darling 

You whisper you love me 

As I turn grey . 

I saw the snake 

Fuck you 

Love is not pain . 

You erased me like an old tape 

And I’m

Stuck on rewind I can’t play . 

So tell me why you think it’s nice 

To destroy my life ? 

Tell me how you can justify 

Beating me to the ground 

Kissing me good bye 

I’m a black widow 

Dust the ashes off 

I gave you 

I gave you 

Everything . 

You left me with nothing 

Your the knife 

I’m the wrist . 

Now I’m here 

Grasping on you never cared . 

Its the death of me 

The life of you . 

My eyes are black 

Tears scream in the dead of night . 

Drowning

I’m struggling with the loss of my ex boyfriend and I’m just being real because I need help . The man I loved the most hurt me the most and betrayed me the most . More than I could ever imagine someone hurting someone . This isn’t about him , but it’s about how do I not feel sad and hurt and depressed . God definitely is my hope this has helped immensely . But does anyone have advice for healing . It does not help when people say I deserve better , or I shouldn’t be sad because no matter what it still hurts . How do I make it not hurt any more ? I even forgave him in my heart but it has not helped with the pain inside . 

Gym Diary

From today until Halloween I will fast.I think it will help me take better control of my depression from the sadness of losing someone.It will also help in my cutting goal.Let’s see how many inches I lose on holloween I’ll update !

Small Things

Monday : 

As I drove to my morning prayer meeting I prayed for one thing , to leave with joy 

I felt exhausted . I had no motivation for the gym or life in general. I knew I was moving into depression and this was an intermittent state I was fighting every day the only thing was saving me was every day prayer . 

Pain was playing over and over in my mind like a tape I can’t escape . The person who placed the tapes in my life can’t fix it they needed there own healing , I knew it had to come from God . Even though I been working on my healing journey sorrow washes over me like a storm that won’t pass . 

As I arrived at my mentors house I put on my smile I was actually glad to see her warm smile . After an hour of prayer she said God told her he wanted to replace my pain with joy ! God is good right . 

I’ll copy and paste the verse God gave me below . I asked her why ? Why can’t it be ok today ? She said God will get me through this , I will learn so many things. 

It’s Tuesday I’m laying in bed writing my audience out there . But in this I want to let all of you know that if you seek God he will not fail you. You have to give everything to him . Trust him , follow him and seek him . 

Man I could write books on how satan has tried to kill and destroy my life . 

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow or next year . I can tell you what my heart wishes . But I just have to trust in God’s will. Whatever is his will he will bring into my life . Trusting part is the hardest . But look how God answers prayers . If you don’t believe me try it yourself . 

Bible > Isaiah > Chapter 61 > Verse 3 ◄ Isaiah 61:3 ►  SUM   PIC   XRF   DEV   STU  Verse  (Click for Chapter) New International Version and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Meaning : Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous Loss 

When the rain falls from the ground 

It’s pounding in your mind 

Keeps you from your path 

Runs you around 

It’s all the whys 

All the answers 

Left locked inside your mind 

The living hell 

Divided stack of cards 

Set on fire thrown in the trash 

A black and white movie 

Subtitles I can’t read 

As I spin in circles 

As I change the channel . 

It’s an ambiguous loss 

It’s an unlit cigaret 

A grave with no body 

Do you get it 

Do you understand 

Yeah I couldn’t either 

I’m on the other side of this fence 

Do you know what the meaning is . 

I’m alive 

Your dead 

It’s half our picture 

With out frames . 

It’s a forever love 

As you walk away 

It’s 

Ambiguous loss .

Contemplated

Contimplated - by Amy Everett 

It’s sun light,  my face changes 

With every moment as it passes through my mind as they passed through your fingers like sand 

As they play like graffiti on the walls of who I am 

Bleeding in the very second of time

Never forgetting always reminding me 

If the way you held me close 

Love me so . 

Let me go . 

And I try to erase it 

But the walls are high 

Paint is bright 

Every where I go 

There’s a sign 

And I’m losing my breath 

Like I’ve been running this whole time 

around every corner 

It’s there 

Like the old latter and it’s painter 

I lay in the sun light 

As our memories 

Passed through your fingers like sand 

But I guess that’s how it goes 

Love in 

Love goes 

Words you tied up in a note 

Never meant 

Until they played out 

Until I’m here alone 

I’m the painter 

Fuck the ladder 

Cuz it was love I gave in these letters 

Now there graffiti 

I can’t seem to paint over 

And over 

And over ..... 

It was our moments I lived for 

The ones you crossed our hearts

Hoped to die 

Now I’m alone 

And your hands are empty of all the sand

Change

As I sit here on my lunch break at Barnes and Noble , I realize my life has settled into a routine and it’s boring and it’s all so self healing I’m ok with that . I eat the same things every day, go to the gym and work, and tend to my daughter. Occasionally I see Malia and Troy not as often as I would like to. As I navigate into my new world , my new job, new body I’m designing a path where I’m alone. It’s not the alone part that gets me, it’s the I always thought we would be together planning Halloween and trip for Thanksgiving.  I’m adapting like a child falls on concrete off there new bike. 

I went to lunch Monday with a very old friend who prayed for me , he said,” heal Amy, one day at a time.”That’s all I can do is have faith one day at a time. 

God reminded me on my drive home last night as I became sad that he was indeed in control. To follow his truth and his light 

To continue my trust in him and to not be afraid. I thought yes, I’m doing my best. 

I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming emotionally. I’ve grown as a person inside and out. I have peace about this. 

It will be alright. 

Victim or Victory

Victim or Victory .

Cheers to this year .

I lost my job , my car , my dignity . Thought about ending my life my depression was so bad I mean could it get any worse then to watch everything you work for as a single mom be taken away . I lost the love of my life my soul mate I am not even sure to what exactly ? The world ? His mind ? Addiction ? To another woman ? I lost my dog . At one point I just couldn’t stop crying . I was so angry I could smash his face through a window , so angry I didn’t want to live any more . I decided you know we always make those stupid resolutions right . I just turned 40. I’ve lost everything I’ll be damned if I go out like this . My kids need me . I held onto God and said here is my heart take me out of this storm . I’m drowning ! No joke .... I’m drowning . The pain , the pain .....

God said let me show you the way - trust me . So I have . I’m learning to forgive the ones who hurt me . I’m learning to walk on water because Jesus my father holds my hands . But I’m doing it . Healing . Last night I felt victory . I am still sad . But victory through Christ in that in suffering I have peace that in all this he is leading me to a future with out harm .

I’ve lost weight , I’m crushing goals . I won’t let 2018 go down in flames I’ll wake up to 2019 better than I ever was before despite my trials despite my hardest year I’ve ever had . Thank you to my friends and mentors for your great love in this time of pain . I love you . And thank you God for my salvation and speaking to me every day.And sending me amazing people that give me strength .

Roof Tops

I can’t fix the shadow 

It trails behind me 

Full of memories 

Playing over and over of  you and me . 

I feel like Peter Pan 

I’m trying to fly 

From the pain . 

It’s a long way down 

From yesterday . 

Maybe you didn’t love me . 

But it won’t change 

How I loved you . 

Now I leave the scene 

Of this accident 

Running down the cold road alone 

But I can’t shake this shadow 

Always by my side .

The Day I Spoke To A Real Angel

It’s Saturday night it’s 8:28 pm listening to NIN Ghost . I need to go running things have been crazy in every way the past few weeks as I was unloading groceries I began to cry . I thought of the last words my ex told me as he went to rehab . Mark my words Amy I’m tattooing your name on my ring finger we’re going to be together forever . I now sit here writing alone.I don’t know how anyone can lie so deeply when it comes to love some days I cant accept the pain of this . As I unloaded my groceries I rembered a woman ten years ago in the grocery store stopped me she said , “ Amy, be picky about the men you pick really picky because you are special . “

She knew my name she was a stranger. I thought about what she said but not enough to keep me away from the next ten years of a few bad guys and I wish she sat me down and mapped and out and said Amy love yourself.Don’t pick men who put you down,don’t pick men who don’t love God maybe I would’ve had some light bulb moment . But at 40 and broken have I finally gotten it as I lie here heart broken.After my ex found someone else? Now that I vow never to date again?Trust me I’m good with this decision . I’ll goadly stick to Gods side like glue and stay put for some healing and now I sit with my daughter and I tell her .....

Girl love yourself . And don’t let anyone abuse you or put you down and now I can send the healthy message. I’m very sad . Sad the one I loved left . Sad I didn’t leave someone who never valued me
Sad he never fillowed through on his promise or I wouldn’t be writing this at all.

It’s like a message in a bottle right . Hopefully someone will read it before it’s to late before they get broken and left .

We deserve only the best .

Pacing

Pain is like a wolf pacing at the back door . No where to go , no relief . It’s just there . With all the disappointments , lost dreams and hopes.You don’t know what to do with it he just paces . Forgiveness calms him for sometime but it’s still present . Maybe in time he will leave maybe he will remain , I don’t know

At What Cost

It all started when I was young . I used to be mad at God I thought I was cursed being born into the wrong family or the wrong city . I always saw people who were so happy . Some people had it worse then me . When I was around 10 I went to my parents friends house to baby sit and ride there horses .
They were like a second family to me . The man of the home decided it was a good idea to take advatange of me in any way a man could . Went on for some years . Until it stopped . I was in a life threatening accident on his horse and in the hospital and he sat by my hospital bed to make sure I wouldn’t tell . Everyone just thought he was worried , this was the beginnings of my child hood .

I was young and thin I grew to be a pretty girl but my parents put me on medicine due to my accident caused me to gain weight and the kids at my private school came to my house and wrote the word pig in my drive way . Things were falling apart inside . I had one friend who knew the truth one and he was 2 years older then me and vowed to keep me safe . My kind parents told the church to keep him away from me because he was 2 years older ! It was beyond evil . He was the only good I had . This act alone changed my destiny . As an outcast and confused I turned to drugs . I had no parents to go to no real friends and I was alone .

Drugs became my source of comfort and my worldly friends were the only love I had . I was in high school . No one cared about me everyone around me was selfish including my family . I was alone

I could write a book on this and I should . Fast forward to 40.  After years of healing counseling picking men who treat me badly due to insecurity , here I am .

I’ve lived 40 years of allowing men to treat me like dirt . Tell me I’m not enough by there actions or by there words . It’s not the tape I’ve just played in my mind it started as a child


My recent ex boyfriend said mark my words I’m going to marry you !!! I love you amy but left me for a 24 year old and I’m wondering how did I ever be with someone who treated me so so bad .

It’s 7:38 pm on a Tuesday and that same guy who claims he loved me wouldnt even get help
To fix himself he actually blamed me . So I have to forgive him and my past and make vows

A. Love myself . Love myself as much as God loved me
B. Don’t let anyone in my life who does not love the lord
C. Once I’m done with self healing no man , no friend no one will be in my life who is toxic or who does not love ME.
D. No more wasting my time . I’m whole and beautiful and valuable .

I been raped and abused and lied to all my life . And it will never happen again .
If someone loves me they will love me .

Lessons are hard learned . Life has been hard and unfair . But no more bad choices .

Tomorrow

I don’t know what my future will bring . I know it’s midnight and I can’t sleep . I miss hearing Tank snore as I write I’m deeply saddened . I took my progress picture I have a 4 pack even more determined for my Christmas goal for a 6 pack . I’m not even happy with my body yet and I’ve come so far . I think about my future to get through these hard times - sad times of loss this year . Dreaming gets me through the hard days and honestly I don’t know how I’m making it . It’s prayer and faith.

I dream of moving and having my house and being able to burn those candles that smell like vanilla frosting . And having beautiful rugs white fluffy ones and having a pretty house .

I think about not now but later having someone actually love me and not leave me or lie . How sad I’ve been through this to just want someone to be nice to me . To hold me at night and to travel with
To eat healthy foods with , lift weights with and pray with . Seems so simple this life right


Here I am alone healing . People say I’ve wasted my beauty my kindness , my love . Maybe I did and people who didn’t care . But maybe God has plans and paths for a reason I don’t know .

All I know is where I’m headed someday . Right now I know healing is right place for me . Not dating . I’m listening to the sounds of rain on my phone . It’s like memories are a thief to my sleep

They wake me in the middle of the night I’m always tired . I need to find a sleep aid .
Any way I will go to try to find rest I need energy for the gym .

Good night

CaUsE

Cause -

I’m a broken mess 

I’m a strong safe no one can get in 

I’m unreplacable 

Unstoppable 

If I bend for you 

And I’m breaking 

If you turn on me 

I won’t look back once I leave 

Watch the rain falling between us 

You knew what was in me 

You chose what you did to me 

We all have choices . 

I spent my last dime 

I spent my life . 

You had me whole 

You were my cause 

You turned on me 

Like a lock in an old door 

That was not mine 

And if you wanted 

To try to break in 

After I gave you all I had 

The house is empty now 

You took everything and ran 

I’m a brigade 

You had to have what was mine 

Where was the give back 

Where were you when I was bent ?! 

Now I’m a memory 

The rain falls 

Between us . 

It’s the life you chose 

I’m delicate 

And I am metal 

Watching me now from your window 

As I see you in my rear view mirror 

Tell me 

When 

You loved me . 

You were my cause 

My destiny . 

You came in 

The thief 

Took all that you wanted from me 

I’m not empty 

No 

You never loved me .

Erased

Remnants remain like stains on a chalk board 

Hanging on an open wall 

Having conversations with me 

About how you broke me to pieces 

Then buried me . 

Sometimes scars leave rings 

Like brands 

We try to erase them 

Like the winter rain 

Always coming and going 

But you are always here with me 

Like smoke staining old air 

Suffocating my lungs 

It’s a deep regret 

The way you tied up my heart 

Took it hostage . 

I’ll never forget the way 

You never cared . 

I may be a soldier 

Maybe you can’t see it in my eyes 

Maybe you can 

But it will 

Always be there 

Perfect Is

Today is a dark day . As I mentioned . In my path of good health I try hard not to cheat for the most part 90% of the time I’m great at this I suffer and have gone the extra mile to keep in mind that food is for fuel not for pleasure . Not for emotional reasons . Today my dog is dead it’s been pretty hard I drank a protein shake I’ve felt sick all day and now I’m eating a bear claw at Penera Bread . Will it solve my problems ? No . I’m a sad human today . I probably am now at my day for calories but I don’t care today , this morning I was a half inch down on my waste and tomorrow I’ll try again . But today food is emotional . And sometimes we are human . And it’s ok . No ones perfect .

What Can I Say On A Day Like Today

Today didn’t start out like any other , this morning I had to be up early to get Tank ready to meet his new family . In all honesty we didn’t want Tank to go our amazing love puppy . But September brought an unexpected turn of events , a break up which led to deep depression which led to a loss in sales which led to no income . I didn’t try to be sad I showed a happy face at work but I suppose I was not myself . Because my sales were always in the top 2 or 3 at most and I dropped to dead last, ouch ( proof love hurts ) as I tried to get my head back in the game my finances were falling apart . We decided to sell Tank . I figured also in moving we couldn’t bring Tank so it was best any way .

We met the new loving family , they called 3 hours later to tell me he was dead . You heard right . My healthy happy perfect dog dead in one car ride . I think I died inside today . I used the money to pay my bills and now I have to return there money at least half . But how did this happen ? It’s crazy . The day didn’t begin there everything happened today I don’t want to write about although it could or should make for a great story , but since I spent the day crying my eyes out I just can’t process my day . Raigan wanted to go to the pumpkin patch I took her . I watched her smile for a bit today it felt morbid in a way . All these rides in the middle of a chaotic world that makes no sense at all ....

As we stood there amongst the crowd and lights and the smell of pop corn I never felt so much sadness or felt so alone . For the first time in my life I felt more sadness then I think I could bear my year I was determined to end with a bang with my goals was a tragic loss . My dog was dead , my boyfriend was gone , and here we were .

Maybe I will finish my goals , maybe it will be ok . All I know is right now it’s not ok . And there is nothing in the world right now that can fix any of it .