Polaroid

Not sure what it means any more 

As the phone lies silent 

I remember basking under blankets 

As you fell asleep on me . 

It was a long lost night 

A Polaroid love . 

Made a great picture 

Until you stepped into the light . 

Now I’m with the shadow 

Crying with all my might . 

I hope it reaches you

Where ever you may be 

There’s a consequence for murdering 

Me . 

Mitten

It’s a lighter shade of black 

That echos on the lake 

That we whispered promise of forever 

On a cold winter day . 

In converse and beanies 

Wouldn’t of wanted anything more . 

Now it’s a sad song 

No more words to say . 

One part 

Broken in two . 

I drive these roads alone . 

Wondering if it could be the same 

You got out of the car 

You walked away . 

Threw it all away 

Like it never happened

That night at the lake 

When we planned forever 

On a cold winter day 

Now it’s just another sad love song

Where one leaves 

One stays 

And there’s nothing to say . 

Another Love Song

It’s a movie still

Bent frame - 

Wondering where the side walk wondered to 

As I lost my way . 

The piano plays in my head 

As I think of us laughing 

That day under blankets 

Little did I know 

It was all 

A 

Lie . 

The soup is cold on the table 

No one is coming home tonight

Mascara runs like old lip stick stains 

You promised you could never live with out . 

I was your hero 

Kept you all together 

As you broke on the inside 

I’m lost in the black snow 

In my white dress 

They said I never belonged there 

There screaming in silent voices 

Like mimes with white faces 

And these floods won’t leave me alone 

I’m never alone . 

Red lip stick 

Stains the collar of 

Your 

Heart . 

I zip up my bags 

Ask where did the side walk part 

Like a cigarette with out a match . 

I remember this smile 

At the end of the hall . 

You grabbed my hands 

Promised it would be alright . 

Now the cuts were from your knife . 

Heavily stitched 

I was the hero . 

The escape . 

No one there 

To save me 

Left to fall

Apart . 

Rather there Than Here

Since I’m at work on a Wednesday at 10:30 am . I’m reminded of all the places I would rather be . I think my favorite places are so simple . Like Barnes and Noble Book Store . When I walk in the smell of books makes my soul happy . Knowing there are thoughts placed carefully on paper surrounding me to be discovered and read for hours 

Plus there’s coffee . 

I wish I owned a book store . The happiness would fill my heart every day

Also the ocean . Standing on the shoreline . The way the ocean air smells and brings a calm to your spirit . The way the sky meets the earth , I could just sit there and pretend it’s my bedroom and never leave . 

I could write poetry in my mind as I watch the waves climb the earth . 

Music . I write through music . Speak with music . Heal through music and love through music . I have an unhealthy obsession with music . With out it my world would be black . 

These are places I would go besides here where I am now at this moment in my boring job alone . 

Wardrobe

Follow me Alice . 

I’ll show you a place where it isn’t broken 

These walls are not painted cracked to the ceiling . 

Follow me Alice . 

He left you here abandoned 

It’s dark . 

The windows are unclear 

And time does not move 

My watch isn’t moving !! 

Alice follow me . 

The roses are dying the sky is grey 

All the rainbows are missing . 

I can’t see . 

My heart is drifting . 

I feel you kissing me 

As you murdered me . 

Alice follow me . 

We are drowning 

Open casket funeral 

The music is playing 

The rain is falling 

We are running through 

Thorned gardens 

My knees are bleeding 

Alice 

Take my hand ! 

Your crying 

No not crying 

Your weeping . 

Your heart 

It’s name is grief 

Don’t slow down now 

There swords are coming 

I can’t imagine how we got here 

We have to find the King . 

Alice 

I’m screaming . 

I’m tired 

I’m tired of running 

Tired of dying 

And all of me is wounded 

The ship 

What happened to the ship ? 

Alice come ! 

We can do this . 

One more try . 

We have to make it . 

End

It’s dotted this line

Where you left your signature ...... 

no more lies . 

Rain sits outside my door 

As I mail you my heart 

You left on the road 

Two stamps 

Time stands still 

As the crowd passes me 

And I’m drowning in the bath 

I resurface drenched in tears 

In the night of hands clenching fingers 

Memory . 

As you held my neck 

Last kiss she said .

Forever you said . 

One bloody suicide 

Went December ..... 

as I stood alone in white . 

As you stood there once again 

And 

Lied . 

It’s a fucked up kiss 

The one that lingers behind . 

The one you Long for late at night . 

You signed the dotted line 

Promised no 

More 

Lies . 

I mailed you my heart 

You left on the road ...... 

I’m hitch hiking my only way home 

I’m drowning now 

Black tears . 

Did you feel the rain 

Did you feel my heart beating between your fingers ? 

Every step of the way 

Murdering 

Me . 

It’s the silence of the ocean we cherish 

As your name is scribed on my ribs 

There is no happy ending in this story 

Because this is a nightmare 

That haunts me at night . 

So here we go ..... 

two stamps 

And it’s Friday . 

Can you feel it now . 

On My Way

My transgressions a crumbling path 

I’m searching for a way to go back 

In time . 

My thumbs up im walking this line 

Time does not exist in the mourning 

Your gone In the sunset . 

Left here like an arrow 

Like the one around my neck 

Matching direction 

Now has turned to two 

I lost my mind 

As tears pour down my face 

I hear the music playing 

As I’m left here alone in this rain 

Nothings black and white they say . 

As he lied straight faced. 

Here are my grievances 

As I walk this path alone today . 

The music it 

Fades . 

So what is the purpose of giving yourself away . She said . 

It’s a statement I ask myself every day 

Thumbs up 

It’s a broken road 

I left myself here 

In the rain . 

Hideaway

I walk through a crowded street 

Invisible 

Head down . 

No one sees me 

I’m just a shadow on the wall . 

I’m an orphan . 

Never belonged 

I cried alone 

I don’t want to die 

Unloved 

I’m the buttons on your coat 

I’m the hands that keep you warm 

But yet I walk this room alone 

What’s the point of being lost but not forgotten .

Princess Warrior

Today was an odd day in a good way . I also notice when I copy and paste my blog post my punctuation ends up in a different place , why you ask ? No idea 

Some days the past few weeks I cry myself to sleep . Some days I find my power and my value so I have peace 

Either way I’m in mourning and there is no way around it . When your with someone for a year , and it’s a hard relationship you end up investing all of you thinking it might save all of them 

But all of them does not take into account me . I tattooed his name on my side for the promise of forever I wanted to believe as he got sober and then relapsed and I had enough of the lies and broken promises . 

Here I am left with an investment that left me in the negative . Ultimately it was my fault . I should’ve left the moment I knew . I wanted to believe you loved us enough but it had nothing to do with us at all . 

Today I had a prayer meeting and God spoke to my friend about my healing . 

I needed to know God loved me and the abuse I endured as a kid left me with a distorted version of love and me not loving myself . 

I left feeling better and with some verses to the gym . And oddly enough my dearest friend and pastor was there at the gym . He welcomed me with a warm  hug and a promise to work out together . We known each other since we were kids . He’s a big black guy full of joy he reminds me of Cubba Gooding Jr looks and everything  , this brought a smile to my heart . After today I felt worn with some glimmer of hope and joy 

I know my ex is back in rehab . As a loving human I wish him the best . But he is not what is best for me . 

We will never speak again . All he did was lead me down a dark rabbit hole of lies and pain . 

But today seems a new story of hope 

I’m 39 , and I need my life to be different and amazing . I won’t let anyone in it who is not equally amazing . 

It’s a new journey I suppose . I know it will take time for this mourning to pass 

But love can’t fix everything we all have choices . 

I need to find someone who chooses me 

Because for the first time I’m choosing me too 

Windows

Did you know you were my hero 

A shadow I couldn’t live with out 

Like Peter Pan 

If only you could hold me at night . 

But taught me to fly . 

If I could write you a letter 

It would be the kind you find in the movies 

The one know one believes in . 

Your the stains on my sheets 

From the tears while your gone . 

Your the thief who stole my heart 

The moment I saw you . 

Tell me how do I win 

A hero in a cape and a mask 

I’ll save you back 

Midnight

It’s 12:46 am I can’t sleep . My English bulldog is snoring and my daughter is nestled up next to me
 I was thinking about love . How cool would it be for someone to actually love me enough to not be
able to sleep . No ones ever said I was up thinking about you last night . That’s sad right ,Isn’t it nice knowing your on someone’s mind . I can’t ever sleep and I’m always tired . I’m sure it’s stress . Maybe one day I can go get a massage . That would be a good day

Deconstruct

It’s Thursday it’s my day off . I wish I could tell you what I’m really going through . But no one would understand I walked into the doughnuts  store this morning as I do every morning . Not for  doughnuts but I go for there coffee it’s only a dollar , no line and it’s better than any Starbucks . 

Inside they were playing 500 Miles from the Pretenders . I remembered the movie Benny and June where the song came from and for some reason I felt joy 

Seems so stupid , right a movie I loved brings me joy . I realized at that moment how sad I was , how numb I am . I’m not myself right now , as I stand here for coffee no one can tell . I’m invisible but on this paper I’m transparent as hell . 

I’m like a broken dove who hit the ground . I know I’ll be ok . But I been dragged through the mud I’m processing I’m getting my feet out . 

It’s cold , it’s hard , it’s the shock that I got here in this hole . It’s funny how much pain one person can take and yet hide it with a simple smile , yet they don’t know I cry when I’m alone . 

This is not who I am . These moments don’t define me , nor will they harden me for I know it was not my doing . 

It’s almost like being in the hospital , you know your not feeling well , but it will get better and in time you will be home . 

This is where I’m at . Forcing myself out of the quick sand . Writing is my therapy 

I’m sitting here on my day off , listening to Zack Hemsey imagining how I could change the world . If I could I would heal everyone so everyone would love . 

Last night an old friend text me . I dated him when Austin was a little baby so like 17 years ago . A professional soccer player . We were young . He text me to see how I was . Then he asked if I would drive 2 hours to see him after work ? 

Yeah ok . Let me drive 2 hours so you can use me ? No thanks . Why can’t people care about you with out an agenda . 

Does love always have an agenda too ? 

I’m not a hopeless romantic I promise . 

I’m a realist . But why are people so selfish ? 

Now I’m rambling I have many things to do today . Thanks for listening . 

Cheers to healing .