Asleep

It’s the inside of the clock rusting
As the buttons fall from eyes
I feel like I’m in a nightmare
Alive .

I heard you can’t find angles in hell
Yet I tried to find your hand amoungst the fire
Knowing I couldn’t reach you .

It’s so dark here
Unzip my smile
Outpour pockets full of letters
Lined with I love you forever

As you kiss someone else .
I’m hanging from the tree
You wrote our initials in

And I’m in disbelief .
A twisted picture of you
Never loving me .


Because you can’t find angels in hell
I tried to be your hero
Tried to be your one and only

And there isn’t much I can do
As I deflate
Here in memories

Nothing I can do
But sleep
You haunt me in my dreams
You never thought of me
Never loved me
Please don’t wake me

New Day

It’s 4 am I can’t sleep . Yesterday I went to the gym came home took apart all my furniture cleaned out my entire room and sold it all . I’m pretty impressed I did it all alone . I think I burned a million calories . I’m going to get a new bedroom set hopefully tomorrow for Raigan . I’m so tired and hungry and sore . Me and Raigan are sleeping on the couch not really helping my back . I pray for good sales at work today . Stress has caused me to sell nothing in a week . Not like me at all . God please help me today . I’ll try to get an hours worth of sleep . I pray despite all I been through that today is full of promise and miracles .

Boxing

It’s Tuesday it’s my day off and I’m ready to go to the gym . I feel exhausted . I know it’s stress . I have to push myself through it . Better days will come . People you love will let you down and fail you and even leave you 

This has been very hard on me this year . I don’t even trust myself anymore because the things I believed in the most were a lie . I’m a pretty smart girl been through so much how did I get things so wrong . I’m baffled 

I remember about 5 months ago I told myself even when things were uncertain to keep pushing to my goals and crush them ! Physically , emotionally , financially , and spiritually . Why ? Because no matter how sad I am now or what wrong someone would do to me I refuse to be the victim . So when the pain subsides I will look around and think wow I accomplished all this even in the hardest of times and I’ll be where I need to be when I come out of the sadness . This is exactly what I did I did not give up . 

Did the unthinkable happen ? Yes ? Did I accomplish my goals in spite of it? Yes . What if I let the depression get to me and I did nothing with my goals . And when bad things happened I would be in such a bad place . I would hate my self . 

God saved me from drowning . God saved me from a bad situation from a man who is not capable of loving me 

Am I torn apart because my dreams were ripped away from me . The dream of a loving family , the dream of road trips to the mountains , the dream of someone being “ emotionally available “ and being a Godly leader of my home . 

But he didn’t chose this path . And if I didn’t accomplish my goals I would be like girl where did I go wrong ? 

But instead I’m looking God in the eye knowing I’m doing right . Because this is what he has for me . He brought me out of hell not to go back in the dark place . 

Gods land is made of milk and honey . Not pain , lies and confusion . 

Maybe one day I’ll have this dream . I can’t picture it any more honestly for myself . I’m 40. When your 40 and the one isn’t the one it’s time to hang up the towel , I look forward to new goals and Christmas time and making my own travel arrangements . 

Would it have been better with him yes 

But the dream him . Not the reality . 

I’m better off alone . 

We all deserve love . Nothing less . 

And when you actually work hard to do it for yourself you find value in yourself . Your not going to let some loser abuse you at his will because he feels like it and toss you away as he feels like it ....... 

I mean what ?????? I’m God’s child . I’m loving and have the world to offer 

I don’t belong in the gutter . Neither do you . 

Never stop - 

Amy 

Arrow

I can’t stand on your quick sand 

Your necklace my noose 

You call me your friend 

Trust me he said 

The devil is a sheep to 

I recognize his breath 

My light - shines your path 

As I fall away 

You become a stranger in a black hat 

You never 

Never 

Touched me in the depths of my heart 

You never tried to be there 

You were the ghost I tried to save from drowning as the sun set 

I waited for you in this grave yard 

You never came . 

I had angel wings you said

Then you said I was to blame . 

I hear the ocean now 

I sit here alone . 

I don’t know where you had gone 

The air is black . 

I waited . 

For you to 

Love me . 

You slit my throat instead . 

Like flies around a beautiful fire 

I digress 

My stomach hurts 

You never chose us 

Don’t Lose Heart

I would have lost heart , unless that I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living - Psalm  27:13

Need this verse .  Wait on the Lord . Do not lose heart when things aren’t going well . Don’t lose heart when Satan tries to lie and steel your joy . 

Wait on the Lord . God is always good when things seem like they are all wrong 

God is closer then you think even when he seems far . 

Don’t lose heart when you have sorrow . Gods will is to bring you a hope and a future . 

When the world Rips you apart keep your armor of righteousness against the firey arrows of the enemy . Stand in the power of Christ . 

Don’t lose heart . 

Way It Goes

Sometimes we can’t help people . Like I said it’s Gods job . You can’t make evil people good or jealous people secure . One of my exes girlfriends reads my blog 3 times a day for 5 years . It’s crazy I never looked at her stuff once ? Why because I don’t care . These people have issues that aren’t your own . My boyfriend who I stood by his side loving him as he was an addict left me after promising to get better for our future and was with a 24 year old ! Told me it’s my fault I was bad for him . It’s in every day things with people . They put your issues on others to avoid there own issues . God is not author of confusion ! The Bible says . God says you know them by there fruit . And it’s hard not to take things personally right ? When you invest in people love people but there issues are your fault ? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone . I’m a good loving person who would hurt no one

I’ll just keep following God and trusting him to guide my path . You can’t save the lost only God Can and it’s not my fault they sin . I didn’t create there issues . Don’t let people blame you for there crazy short comings . Just keep being you and do what’s right . God says to cling on to what is good and get rid of the rest .

Alice

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire Cat In a tree , which road do I take , asked Alice . Where do you want to go ? He asked . I don’t know said Alice . Then it does not matter said the cat .



So many lessons in one quote . Who are you ? What do you stand for ? What value do you have in yourself ? With out goals or strong footing of who you are , you will end up any where in life with nearly any one . If you stand for nothing then you stand for nothing and stand against nothing .

Weak minded people taking no control over there lives . Excepting anything  . I’ll tell you these are not my kind of people . I’m strong in my integrity I set goals and have standards . Some people have no standards no character , why ? Because they stand for nothing  . No honor in this . We only live once . People just float around hurting others because they have no direction in life . They just don’t care . With out clearly knowing who you are you’ll end up any where with anyone . Find your direction be different then anyone else , have character .

Good night

The Miracles

Today I weighed myself I’m only 5 pounds away from a goal weight that seemed almost impossible to hit . Now I can make new goals and believe in myself 100% that I can do it . Today I celebrate my own strength and the strength God has given me these past months . Through very hard and tragic circumstances I never thought I would make it out of , God took my hand and showed me it’s not my strength that will get me through it , it’s his strength 

I was a drowning girl with no hope 

I put my hope in my boyfriend at the time and in my own strength to save him and us . So when anything went wrong I went under ( drowning in pain) 

I put my hope in Jesus found a Christian mentor who spoke truth in my life I never even knew . This alone with Gods healing changed my heart and my thoughts . It’s God’s purpose I seek him every day for answers . Not the world . I seek him to change me and others not myself . So many burdens . I left at the cross . It took praying 10 times a day , reading my word , coaching by my mentor and reading the Bible . I still have healing to do but my path is on a rock not quicksand . I’ll only be with someone if they are on a rock not quicksand either 

There strength and truth comes from God . God speaks to me every day . My path will never waiver . I’m sure about myself and my identity in God 

I’ll stay single and with God as he teaches me . I urge everyone to let go let God and seek him with all your heart . I learned so much and god has done in such a short time . I used to cry begging god for help now I cry thanking him for saving me !!! 

Thank you God . It’s real and it’s the answer . My health is better my job my over all mind set . When things come that are hard I give it to Christ to handle he shows me what to do where to go . Consult with God he will lead you to a future of hope and purpose and love . 

The Only Thing I Know

When something does not go right , could be anything really . I mean I know how this feels I spent months facing a lot of pain . I was thinking today at work how was I so wrong . How do you get wrong that the love of your life never loved you ? This makes me second guess everything I think I know for sure . Things when they fall the only real advice I have to give the only thing that worked for me was be a better you every day . Whatever this is . Go get help if you need it or get close to god or be a better friend or a better parent . No matter what it is don’t give up . I know I wanted to . And maybe it would be easier to give up at this moment but what would that cure or solve ? Nothing . Don’t be self destructive either . Just follow your purpose one foot in front of the other take it day by day . At least even if your sad your still accomplishing things . When your accomplishing things it’s hard not to feel proud of your accomplishments ! Pretty soon you’ll be your own hero . Making you stronger and better . So keep moving keep going never quit . One morning you’ll
Wake up and realize your better than the bad situation you were in

You can do it ! I’m living proof .

Morning Run

Going running before the gym listening to Dont Care by Galantis . I’m writing as I warm up
As my week progressed to be more like a bad movie that Vince Vaughn may star in I believe I’m not processing until last night I really lost it in my car . When you lose your dreams it’s haunting I’m 40
I’m not 24. I built my life around a person I thought we had it figured out . So what do you do when they don’t have the same dream ? I don’t have the answer . This week has been a little nuts . All I can do is push myself forward like I’ve been and just give it to God . When it hurts I say God take it and fix it . I do it 50 times a day but it’s all I can do . Walk in Gods power . God says in the Bible to
Cling on to what is good and get rid of the rest . Follow gods word let him guide me . Don’t lose your integrity or character . Forgive Me God for I am so angry and hurt . I pray I can one day forgive

Trama

It’s crazy to me that I cried every day for 8 months over my love because I believed in us with all my heart and soul to find out in one evening he never cared or loved me my mind can’t process it
How did I get it so wrong ? Today I wake up a new day and try to erase this aweful person from
My memory . What he had done is so painful . I will try to walk upright and believe and hope in whatever future God has for me . I didn’t deserve this and I can’t make it better . They say your healed when you can tell your story with out crying . I’m not sure how to get to that point but I will move forward like a warrior . Maybe we get mountains to show others they can be moved . To help others . But right now no one has loved me at all it’s my job to love myself and heal
And to find joy in the path God guides me in . Here we go another chapter . Let’s get through this the year is almost over let’s make it count !

I Love

It’s 1 am . I was woken up I’m quite upset I have gym early , I decided to write about the things I love .Since I don’t really matter to anyone I’ll write about what matters to me : 

I love tiramisu cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and fresh sushi I also love punk music because it’s music for the soul it’s genuine like me 

I also believe in no regrets . I love the lord he def watches over me closely 

I love my kids . I love how my daughter wakes me in the middle of the night to

Say she loves me . I love the hope we have in God helps me to face every new day . I love road trips and traveling 

Most of all I love old book stores and the smell of coffee in winter . I love winter and cold weather . I love the ocean it’s my peace but I love lake arrowhead to it’s romantic . 

I wish someone had loved me for all these things I am a writer I love being a free thinker . I love that I’m wise when I need to be . I love I’m a hard worker and a good mother . 

I love flowers , I wish I had new ones every day . I love interesting people and I love my friends . They are there for me.  I love running and excersise I love cars . I love that I’m strong and free willed. I love that God has set me apart . I love tattoos and museums and art . I love the smell of garlic and butter in a loving home .i love accomplishing goals . 

This is me . No one has noticed because I’ve given all my heart and gotten none in return . 

I love I have the choice to make a difference . 

Traveling Light

Now that I’m alone sitting at Barnes and Nobles , I’m just a girl and her pen 

I feel like it’s sad I’m 40. I’ve never had forever love . I thought I did but the other person didn’t feel it so what do you do with disappointment . Maybe I’m meant to travel the world alone . 

I can’t imagine my life any other way now . I’m 40 I had my future planned it fell through I’m broken and exhausted

What does a girl like me do ? Keep crushing goals ? Keep putting one foot in front of the other until I’m ok ? 

But when will it be ok ? Do I accept it adjust to it ? Adapt ? Finding joy with out your partner who you wanted to share your life with is a big adjustment 

But maybe I’ll find my footing on my own . 40 never really been loved 

Such a tragedy .  

The List

Recently I got my heart ripped to shreds by one person . My heart is to big and to trusting as people play games with my heart . It’s appalling to me I’m a good person . I feel like I’ll never date again . You think you found the one and they are evil to you ? So I have a list for anyone who is dating of how to be more careful .


A. Loves the lord and walks the walk

This right here should weed out most bad seeds or give you a better shot

B. For me maturity . Speaks for its self

C. Intelligence . I’m very smart pretty successful . I need you to keep me on my toes spiritually and intellectually .

D. Fashion - neat and tidy good dressing is important

E. Puts your needs first !!!! Yeah .

This is a good start

Above My Head

It was my spirit you cracked to its bones . 

Knowing I lived our memories alone 

Blood drying on the bed we used to lie in . Surrounded by yellow tape 

And you forgot 

That I kept you from drowning 

As I kissed you . 

But you cracked me to the bone 

Like ashes I threw your notes 

Every letter tells a story of forever 

As you let me go 

You let me go . 

When you should’ve been fighting 

For me . 

It’s all I had 

It was everything I gave 

To you 

I died losing you 

And you laughed in the sunrise 

To you no loss 

As my gains turn into broken 

Picture frames . 

And you come along 

And I can’t believe 

You let us go . 

And I burn 

In the ocean 

Over the sunrise . 

And I smile 

I’m free 

From the fog of you 

Never loving me 

I gave it all 

Gave you everything

And you threw it away 

Knowing I lived these memories alone 

Takes all the breath from me 

And I can’t breathe 

I always kept you from drowning . 

Alone in my sea . 

 

Tragic

He’s gone now but I’m alive
Take my hand he said .

Princesses don’t walk in quick sand
And I don’t belong in the gutter
How did you find yourself there .

I’m a buried treasure
Lost under the sea

How did you think
I’m a captain of this sea .

Why would you think it’s alright
My red puffy lips
Straight suits they’ll never understand

It’s alright
I’m the lost words you can’t find
I’m standing tall on my sail boat

Yes I am
Why would you think
I would let myself
In the trash ?

Oh man you must be
Shaken .

Don’t you know who I am
Kissed you with puffy red lips .

Along the ocean .
You said take my hand
But boy I don’t belong in the gutter
My heart is big and so is my time .

Now your gone
I’m still alive
I won’t let this sink my ship

And I’ll be fine .
You never loved me
I’ll be fine
You never saw me
I’ll be fine

I’m still alive

The Enemy

It’s Tuesdsy , God has been blessing me like crazy because I gave my life to him and follow him . I follow God every day . The only person I account to is God . God tells me everything and shows me everything . If someone has bad character and low morals God shows me . I’m a strong single parent who has taken care of two kids basically by myself . I pretty much have them full time .  It’s funny when your walking with God and your a morally good person people try to tear you down . Tell you your on the wrong path or a bad example ? It’s amazing to me . People try to tear you down or control you and it’s the enemy . God has been blessing me with miracle after miracle and given joy to me and everyone around me . To wear my best friend told me I had a direct channel from God . So how bad of a person am I ? I’m on the right path not because I’m perfect but because I’m following Jesus . People want you to follow there ideas of you but the only person I listen to is Jesus . When your finally doing good Satan will tear you down . I have integrity and morals . I’ve needed a man to feel complete . If I love someone I love them with integrity and character . So if someone wants to attack me tell me I’m a bad person for getting tattoos or losing weight they can kiss off !

I earned the right to be happy . So kiss my booty . This is new me 2018 I’m proud of who I am how far I’ve come . And all the stalkers and news reporters that like to gossip
About me , well I feel sorry for you . That I take up any part of your day is pathetic . Put that energy into yourself . Go to the gym find your happiness . Because only miserable people try to tear others down .


Good luck to you 🖤

Curve Ball

Sometimes life throws you a strong fast curve ball , hits you right in the face . It shatters you takes you by surprise but no matter what it can’t be taken back or fixed . We wonder if we can ever heal from it . We wonder what we ever did to deserve it . There’s never an answer . We did our best gave our hearts and here it came anyway . Life isn’t fair . Maybe the endless love I believe in really just does not exist for me after all . I’m 40 and alone and because of the curve ball I’m going to stay this way . 

You can’t do much when your face is bleeding anyway . And all the love I gave was tossed away . 

It’s shocking being shattered . All I can do now is pray I turn out ok . 

Forgive - To Be Free

I’m listening to the Used On My Own . It’s my day off I’m laying in bed . I wanted to talk about forgiveness true forgiveness . It’s hard forgiving someone with no conscience  . You think how can they not care about your heart or how it feels or how could they lie or let you down in such a big way . All your love and thoughts and feelings never mattered . It’s a lot of pain . You really hate this person because you loved them so much . You ask how can any one do so much evil against you ? 

God says in the end times man will have no conscience of right or wrong . 

If someone is walking with God and has a relationship with him , how can they hurt you ? Well it’s easy they don’t , of course everyone makes mistakes as Christians , but if we love God and are walking with him , you have Gods love compassion and truth 

Satan comes to destroy us . And the enemy will hurt you . Using people to hurt you in any way . We have to see the enemy for what he is doing to the persons life and ours , we have to pray for there path and pray we can forgive but move on. These people who don’t care about your well being are not for you . We are not meant to give love and be treated so wrong . 

We deserve it back . Forgiveness I need to work on today . But I pray God heals the great creator of pain that was left in the wake . 

This is a new journey . Don’t let Satan destroy you . 

Today

I am anointed said my mentor who prayed for me . God has anointed you she said . No more violence within your borders . Sounded awesome what did it mean ? In laments terms it means Gods got my back . So much so people at my work claim I have a direct channel to God . Well I hope so . I pray for answers God gets them to me . If someone is shady I don’t have to worry God shows me . If I need sales God sends them . Whatever it is God is there . Thank you God ! This week has been the hardest but I’m standing because I know I’m anointed . Things did not go my way this week God is saying Amy go this way instead . I need to know my worth and my value and know God has a life of special for me ! Not of pain . Thank you God for being my savior !

The Game

Sitting at Barnes and Noble on my lunch has become quite a great thing to clear my head if you are in sales you will know what I mean . Sales is like horse races to me . You keep your side blinders on so you can only see ahead to your finish line even though the people next to you in the race will try to do anything to take you down when your winning . It’s easy to lose focus . But you have to keep going if you weren’t winning you wouldn’t be there target . Don’t engage . The more they focus on trying to bring me down the more they are not focusing on there job and that makes me stronger . Also through God I am anointed . And no weapon formed against me shall prosper so whom shall I fear ?  No one . No one can stop Gods will . So if your having a hard time with anything keep your eyes on the finish line don’t lose focus and remember you will
Win .

Oxygen

It’s a crowded room where I’m lost in suffocating alone amoungst a thousand hands 

No one to grasp 

No one looking for my fingers 

As I am falling in the dark 

Trembling and afraid 

There was no use they said 

As I scream so loud 

No one looks my way 

Invisible 

Not one watching . 

No ones watching . 

As we march the same way 

I used to think I mattered 

As the rain fell and eyes shuttered 

Maybe I lived in these memories alone 

And what did I know 

I’m here alone 

I’m whispering in the dark 

No one is watching 

No one here to grasp 

My hands . 

If I drowned 

Would they remember I lived 

As I fade into the back ground 

She is invisible 

Living in these memories alone 

In my head 

Maybe I’m dead 

Nothing I can do to be alive again 

As I put my hand on your chest 

I sit on the ground

As the crowd surrounds me still 

I’m screaming 

Not one hears me 

I fear I’m

All alone 

Alice Series 2 Closer

Thank you NIN - music inspiration 



A dream in a painting 

Lost in a suicide 

Tell me about your dreams 

As they fade into ashes 

I will brand my name into your  veins 

As I lose myself 

And wake in you . 

There’s a cold dawn 

As I live in your sunrise 

It’s the old museum 

Where your painting hangs 

I keep you in the safe 

Tucked away 

Locked with fridged cold fingers 

With out thinking 

I know . 

As I’m lost between worlds 

Time echos back like a razor 

To you 

Nothing I can do 

Just find me 

Nothing I can see 

Just see me 

Nothing I can feel 

Just touch me 

If I can live 

I’ll die with out you 

In a world full of regrets 

You’ll regret losing 

This part of me 

That will ignite you 

I’m the light in your dark hallway

The star in your midnight sky 

The path when your asleep 

On these rainy days 

I scream 

No one hears me 

No one fucking gets it 

But you 

You hear me 

And I hate you 

And I love you 

I can’t ever erase 

I can’t ever erase 

You .  

You are tattooed beneath the surface of my skin . 

Alice Series I

So another try at Alice lines for my sleeve : my series of Alice . Finding Alice under ground takes a lot of digging . Here we go . 

If you ask her 

The gun was pointed north 

Her lips were always red . 

It was never the way you left her 

It was the way you  held her while you slept 

She was lost in your jacket 

The way you fancied her in the sunrise 

It was those moments 

Like when the moon hits the water 

And you remember 

Why 

So old tales , rip apart dresses 

As she now sleeps alone . 

The walls lined with your graffiti 

She once called home . 

If I troubled you 

Would you imagine me there 

Where we used to lie quietly 

Would you dare 

Show me 

Where the flowers grow 

Where we can grow old 

Could you find me here 

Would you say Alice 

With out you 

I’ll never sleep again . 

What Else Am I Doing

In my life my past life , maybe ummmm ... 5 years and back I was in so many relationships that just didn’t work out . I wasn’t sure why ? I wanted to write this blog because I found a sure fire answer . If you follow it you’ll get closer to success . It wasn’t until a little over a year ago my friend Katie showed me a Christian video . A pretty girl talking about how you can’t find a good Christian husband until you become a good Christian wife and when you date - date your husband . Would you settle for such and such if this man was your husband or would you leave ? Wow big realization right ? Or would you date this girl if she was your wife ?

I dated guys who were just cute but had nothing I would want in a long term and end up getting hurt when it didn’t work out . Because I put time and energy into the wrong situation . Would God want you to be with someone selfish ? Or mean or a player or an addict or anyone who didnt put God first?Thats a big no . We settle right . So if you have red flags it’s probably not what god is calling you to God loves us he does not want you to get hurt . So date your husband or date your wife other wise your asking for heart ache . Be wise . Satan wants us to hurt . Be on guard you have value . Pray first god always gives answers ,

So re evaluate . God says no other idols come before him . You can’t serve to masters . If someone says they are serving God but live differently they are lying . God says you will know them by there fruit . There actions !!!!!! Love , kindness , tenderness , joy , forgiveness the list goes on . And your welcome

When

As I walk through the mall searching for sandles for Raigan my mouth is in pain because I had my lips done today . What is it like to be the girl on Instagram I follow ? Will I feel more accepted by the ones I love ? Or did I want acceptance from my only love ? Or do I just want to feel pretty like those girls on the internet and maybe it’s all the above . I learned being pretty may make you feel good but it has nothing to do with love . My beauty whether I have it or it’s lacking can’t make the blind see or save anyone . I can’t make anyone go to heaven or be closer to God or see things . No amount of muscles will change anything . I realized today this is what giving it to God means . It’s outside of all my control . All my love on a silver platter won’t change it . Only God can . And as long as I try I will just get hurt .

So God here’s to you and me letting you guide me into what is right in you .

Tattoos

I have to come up with Alice lines for my Alice and wonderland sleeve so I’m going to write a series of poems this month to draw from need to find some dark inspiring music : cold play isn’t cutting it .... what is dark that really gets you under the soul .. hmmmmm 

Alice don’t lose your head 

It’s the glossy pages of magazines 

You live in . 

It’s the testimony of your switch blade heart that every one managed to want broken . 

You gave your fingers clutching old notes 

Filled with bottles and tears 

Where was every dream 

Where were those stars . 

The night was dressed in black 

She didn’t let them see her cry 

She was stronger than that . 

And you built me a castle made of empty promises and regrets 

As I write these pages on ashes 

You don’t remember her name . 

Alice she was beautiful . 

Not like the rest . 

She won wars 

He was the seine 

Unforeseen 

She was a captain 

Oh Alice . 

A memory in these pages 

No one understands 

She hears the piano playing in the distance . 

He said here is your heart back 

What is left . 

What is left ? 

Of a girl 

Made of roses . 

Stained lips . 

Written in news line 

And spread . 

As you toss the paper 

She wonders has he gone mad . 

She falls 

She isn’t breathing

Who will take her hand 

Oh Alice . 

Don’t worry 

It’s not the end . 

When Alice

Alice has black pools for eyes 

Hiding behind the mask 

Tell her a story she can believe in 

As she passes through the black roses 

She’s the sunrise in your garden 

They said 

But she cry’s alone instead . 

Place your hand in mine 

Don’t be scared 

I know how to get those  dreams 

And make them real she said . 

Go ahead and wish upon a star

She will blow dandelions 

And will he kiss her in return . 

As she falls through the door ways

Alice . 

Dreams are dangerous he said . 

But I will show you how to touch the stars again . 

Listen to the music playing 

As I stitch my heart back in place 

My hands aren’t bleeding . 

He says . 

You’ve got black pools in your eyes girl

And Alice says she’s brave . 

There is no doubt about that 

The cat says time is running out 

I thought that clock was always broken ! 

As I fall through the ceiling 

It makes no sense 

Says Rabbit . 

It will be alright 

Said Alice . 

Standing In The Deep End .

I posted the way a few days ago from my blog and this is part 2. If you have not read it please do . I have time to put some real thought into this I’m off today . I just got home from the gym and I’m playing sounds of rain . A year ago approx . I had a great job in marketing . I quit MOR Futniture and I had fallen a little behind finding a new job . I had to quit gym , and lose a lot of things I loved . But the job treated its employees bad I had to go . I started a new job and was trying to get things back on track I was depressed I gained weight , and was behind on bills . After a few months at my new job I left long story . Once again no job . Things declined fast . I didn’t feel like myself and I lost my car . This was just the beginning of my year .  I fell into a deep depression . I was embarrassed to leave my house . No money for anything . What happened God ? I would pray . Things only got darker . I’m a sink or swim type of girl I been a fighter my whole life but I felt like giving up . On top of that I was in a failing relationship and I was trying my hardest to save that .

God help me !! No answer . I found a job at a mattress store . It paid some bills but things were still bad . In the midst of it me and my boyfriend broke up and I just had enough with life . I mean wouldn’t you ?

I was praying one day in my car as I sat outside my mattress job I told God please get me out of here and to help me I refused to live my life like this any longer I would do whatever God led me to do .

He told me to call Jerome’s and I did . I had a job a few weeks later .  I just wanted Gods will to help me what did I need to do . God said lay down eveything to me and trust me . Well I wanted my boyfriend back , I wanted my body back my finances and I wanted whatever God wanted for me .
So I had one list of things I prayed for every day . I told God to lead my life and to bless me where he wanted me to go and I will go . I started praying with my old friend . She told me God will bless me and these hard times would come to an end . I just needed to believe God loved me and that he wanted to bless me.  This was hard . I felt like God never cared .
This is where it became really hard . But I had to give my troubles to him and know that I can walk on water   , go through any hard times with out drowning because he will not let me sink if I gave it to him .  I was trying to save my relationship with my love not Gods it was exhausting and painful . I was spending all my time worrying instead of letting a bigger God fix things knowing he will show up when I need him .

I am now making 5 times  the money I made before . I  am blessed with great friends . I lost over 40 pounds , I have peace when bad things happen because I know God is in control not Amy . I seek God’s will first . If it does not honor God  I’m not apart of it . I’m more calm more at peace have more joy more mercy . When I need answers I pray and God answers you guys every time . If I need sales I pray god sends them . If I need the impossible God makes it possible . If something I want does not come I know it’s not Gods will . I’m ok . God is in control .

You have to give everything to God . Everything you guys . Hurts , decisions , eveything . Without God your on the wrong path .

With God you will live a life of blessings and peace and things will happen . Sometimes if it does not happen right away it could mean not today but in the future keep praying !!!
God does miracles !! He’s done hundreds for me I swear !!!

Love you guys

The Way

I wish I could tell the whole story in this one blog but that is what my book is for I’m writing this to share with everyone . Because , a few months ago I was drowning literally , in no way was I making it . I was not just going through a rough time if I wasn’t in the break room rushing this I might give more detail. But I was at a point in my life where I literally on my 40th birthday May 21 I had to pull my car over because I was crying so hard I threw up . My soul was broken . I cried out to God I told him I was sinking I was drowning in pain . I promise a minute later a song came on the radio called oceans by hillsong . It’s about letting go of it all and trusting God . I didn’t know how to let go because what was causing me pain I loved . How do we let go of something we love ? It could be a person an addiction , could be a painful past you can’t face . Letting go meant giving the pain to God and entrusting him to handle it not me . I had bondage and it was a huge burden of pain . How god how do I leave it in this boat ? He said leave it and walk on this water I won’t let you sink . Holy cow I cried through this every day . I also saw my mentor who prayed over me spoke truth in my life .

Slowly I began to see God do miracles in my life every day  . Big ones and impossible ones . I have to clock in for work but I learned how to have peace and joy through Storms . I learned how to let god guide me and let him fix the rest !

If you have pain do these things . Get prayer read the Bible it’s hard but it will change eveything !
I know God will fix it all and he is

Amen

why this is my last post closing my blog

Sometimes all the love and time you give gets served back to you with a big fuck you . Your not sure how you got here as I stare at my bulldog and wonder why the fuck this happens . But actually this has never happened to me . My exes write me even from years back . Rooting me on . They weren’t the one I never loved them . Excuse my language I might not publish this , but I’m mad maybe not mad but I just feel wasted . God is blessing me . Every prayer like a miracle has been answered I’m not letting tonight make me second guess the path God has been speaking to me about for a year . I’m not crazy it’s not ideas there not in my head . God told me . The enemy tries to hurt me and I’m hurting but there is Gods plan .

Holy cow if I could list the miracles . Sometimes my life is like the three stooges in Spanish and I’m left wondering and scratching my head thinking really ? Did this just happen God ? And why ? I have to follow God’s will . I have to . I have to be a good mom and protect myself as well . God will handle the rest . The Bible says god will perfect what is meant for in our life . So if it’s meant for us God will make it ok . I can’t and don’t have to .

Sometimes things get messed up , but I have to trust God’s will . I’m ending this blog and starting a new one on word press I think it’s called . I’m rewriting my book .

Writing is a healthy way to communicate .im glad I’m loving and giving and say how I feel I’m not crazy or mean or play games . I’m proud of who I am .  It’s how I reach 20k readers on my blog and have met my dearest friends . And anyone who loves me would love thst about me it’s who I am . I’m
A writer . It’s not a crutch or a hobby it’s me .

So this may be the last post on this blog .

Carpe Diem

Identity

It’s 6:30 am . I just got out of the shower . I wish I could tell
You how much I’ve learned from my mentor . I’ve been a Christian my whole life and never had a true example of love . I didn’t know love or what my worth was . I had no idea I was walking with out real faith . I thought I was fine . Until my mentor spoke the truth of the Bible Gods word into my life things I never paid attention to . I began to learn and God began to show me . Loving yourself was loving myself because God loved me no matter what with his love and mercy . I don’t need to be perfect to have peace or joy . I was hurting and it was easy for anyone to make me angry or sad because my foundation was not on God it was on the world and the lies I believed .

I thought my relationship with God was good but it was the opposite . God says he gives us peace passes all understanding . How could I get this ? I had no clue . I had to stop focusing my pain on others and give it to god . I see people who take stuff to feel better about who they are or they get angry , they say there relationship great with god  . God says you know them by there fruit . What’s inside comes to the outside . So are you hurting ? Is there things you can’t let go of ? Trust me I had to do it , it took months of crying and healing . Praying . It’s hard . And forgiving . But no matter what you have to put old ways aside and have a soft heart . You won’t be angry or need anything to feel better . Your identity will be in God . Not in your pain . It’s easy to see it from the outside just like my mentor saw it in me . Find someone to pray for you . God is good . I’m ok because I know he is in control and thank god I no longer need to try to control anything ! God has eveything .

Miracles And Goals

I was going to take a break for 30 days but instead I’m taking a turn . God has blessed me like crazy these past few months so instead I will write of the miracles and how you can get them too ! I’ve had a rough year I had to turn to God 100% that was hard I didn’t know what real love was or how much God loved me . Maybe I didn’t see it or believe it to much bad had happened to me  . Where was God ? I found a Christian mentor and began to get prayer and counsel weekly . She told me god loved me and he had a plan but I didn’t believe it , I wanted to . She kept praying over me and speaking truth in my life it was not til then I realized the lies I was told and believed . She told me god was going to bless me and use me and I was loved.  I began to pray with more faith with every prayer god began to answer showing me he was there . Like big prayers miracles . I would think one might be a coincidence but this has become weekly sometimes daily . I would pray for a certain amount in sales I prayed for 15k and god said , do you not believe in my miracles ? I’m like , ok God let’s see an hour later I did 18k ! It happens a lot . With so many things . You have to seek God first and only God not the ones who hurt us , not the world , just God . God is good . I been so sad and depressed so much bad has happened but God is blessing me left and right saying don’t worry I got you just follow me !

If your in a hard place find a mentor in church get prayer weekly.  Read your bible and pray and listen
God answers ! I’m going to write about miracles and Gods good grace . If you need help
Ask ! I want you to know God’s love to.

When God Speaks

I was a great girlfriend . I wondered what I did wrong . I spent months trying to be as beautiful as possible for when he was better , I wanted him to be proud of me as I was proud of him . I thought of us like Carey Heart and Pink . The pretty couple who got through it all because of love . How on earth does someone fight for you so hard and then leave in a moment . I guess it happens all the time right . Husbands leave there wives , these things happen I guess . I never thought it would ever happen to us . As I climbed in my car on my lunch I heard our song he gave me Never let go . Fuck me . Today I sold 12k amazing when I felt like I been punched in the soul . I can’t be a victim anymore not that I was . It’s just I been waiting for him . Loyal to my love all this time because he asked me a million times to not let go . I believe in true love . I know it was real maybe it’s buried in his anger and confusion . God was right only God can reach him not me . I can love him with every ounce but it’s not my love he needs right now . 

The song shattered I listen to god said we reject his love when we’re broken . I rejected gods love without even knowing it because I was broken . My ex rejects mine to . That’s ok . I was there but I can’t wait anymore .  He let me go . It’s now in gods hands and actually always has been . 

God told me not to worry . I’ll work on forgiveness . Give this pain to god . As I cried in the car today I realized I needed to give this to god too . 

In pain and forgiveness we walk forward in Gods army . 

The Impossible

I lived the past year believing in one thing a love . To find out it was not real . I don’t have words who would ? I don’t think this kind of thing is logical . So all I can do is nothing . Take a long long break from writing and human existence it’s self . How will I ever trust anyone . I’m not even dating nor will I ever . But this ruins my faith in man kind . I learned to love for real from this person then I learned it was not real ? I can’t even think of a lesson I can learn from this . Except it’s his issues because no one in life loves and then does not so deeply . Love is a choice . If we chose to love someone because of the value and love they give it’s not just gone . Something is very wrong and something is a lie . My counselor told me tonight Satan is the author of confusion. . Not the lord . If god was involved we wouldn’t of had such a weird conversation .

So what do I do ? Nothing . Keep praying and moving forward . God is in control of my life every time I pray God shows up . Last night I cried and begged God for an answer on this situation I loved my ex so much I couldn’t take it any more .

God gave me my answer on a silver platter . I just keep thinking of the amazing movie I can only imagine and how it taught me that God can do any miracles .

What a life changer . But my life is in God’s hands . I deserve to be loved the way I love and be valued for all the love I have to give . God is so good in these storms . And nothing makes sense right now and I’m broken and I’m barely walking . But one foot in front of the other and pray for miracles and the will to forgive those who are lost and hurt us .

So I’m leaving my blog for 30 days to focus on healing .

Funny Those Things Those Secret’s

I’m at Barnes and Nobles on my lunch . I came to clear my head . Book stores have a way with me . Today I was told I was hot by my co workers , funny how those words go in one ear and out the other and how we only believe the lies we tell ourselves because according to my head I’m just one invisible girl facing the world alone . I mean my boyfriend even left me with no explanation my love my life does pain get worse than this and I follow the cord deep to the pit of my stomach . Where I find my self worth and I feel sick . How does anyone betray someone on this level? My friend messaged me this morning an old friend who asked me if I was vain I was laughing inside as I mentioned the cord in my head here we go . Vain ? I struggle with my self esteem and just looking in a mirror and blaming my self and my looks for being dumped . As the status quo goes even if this isn’t true I seek refuge in loving myself to rid these negative thoughts it’s called learning to love myself not vanity this guy is an idiot . My journey to self love has made me strong and healthy . I’m sure if my love ever came back he would be healing with an apology and answers . If he does not then it’s not Gods will either way my journey is not about vanity it’s about loving me . And that will make me more loving strong and more happy .

It’s funny I think of his insult . As my friend Cindy at work told me men stare at me I would never notice because I’m not vain and it’s not the attention I’m looking for .

If your on a journey of self love don’t let anyone bring you down keep going
God reminded me today in my prayer time that I walk in his power and love ! Who can hurt me ?
No one . Follow his will and his purpose will happen for good !

What it’s like to walk on water

If you follow my blog then you will know these past months have been the storm of my life and I knew I was to drowned and there was no doubt about that ! I was alone and there was no one to save me . Then God called me out and said trust me . I pretty much couldn’t it was hard but I had no choice my boat was sinking and he was offering a life vest so here we are . I’ve been documenting the miracles sense . These aren’t no regular miracles these are God miracles and he is showing me is here and in control of my life . I can say I didn’t think I would make it and some days I still don’t then God comes through and he wows me . Yesterday morning I prayed in my car as I always do , I pray every day for my ex boyfriend that he is ok , and I pray for my kids and work . I prayed to God that I needed 14k to make my next paycheck a decent one . I only had 3 days to do so . It’s been very dead at work . I went to work by 5 pm I had in 5 grand not bad but not good . Then I had 2 ladies come in and there sale totaled 14k ! Amen !!! I made it ! Gods will !

It’s amazing right . This was no coincidence. God said Amy walk in my power and don’t forget my promises . God heals and God is good and mighty . You just have to listen and seek him first . I didn’t think God loved me . But I was wrong .

I know God will do anything for me . I know more miracles will come in his time . So when I’m sad I just pray because I know God hears me . How cool is that .

Sometimes 1 + 1 don’t = 2

It’s 10:10 pm I just got home from work I’m listening to a country song I hate country but it reminds me of my ex . It’s called Simple so I’ll put it on repeat while I type . I started a running regimen 7 days a week . I’m pretending I’m training for a marathon . It gets me out there and it’s helping my heart rate get lower . It makes me feel good too . Stronger in a way . Today I was told I was going to be put in the management program and I made a bonus for such high sales only 2 people in 8 years ever made it . I was so happy at first I hugged my manager and screamed praise Jesus ! He laughed and told me great job . My life is so blessed yet I’m laying in bed so sad . I miss you . My heart hurts and breaks every day .   The senseless crime of you leaving me . Our love was so big and in my heart it still is .

My life God is blessing like Crazy . But I’m here crying . It sucks so bad . I was trying to think of harder times but I can’t think of anyone I cried for , for so long . There’s a hole in my chest .

I’m here alone with no one to tell my good news . I wish you were here to tell .
I’m on this journey alone . I drove home and prayed thanking God for my blessings

I have to get up early for the gym . Not sure what the end of my life will look like all I know is today
And now I’ll fall asleep listening to this song .

Goodnight