Acceptance

I think the hardest part for me is acceptance. When you know in your heart and mind and soul something is a fact and then your hit in the face with the opposite being true , your in a pause like no this didn’t happen right ? Like your my best friend but you stole all my money or we been married 50 years but been having an affair for 20. It could be anything I suppose . For me it was knowing the person I was definitely going to be with forever . Knowing we loved each other . And it not being this way at all . I don’t need to get into details , those don’t matter on my blog but the point is pain of accepting what was and what is can be a horrible tragedy . The pain of losing what was real vs reality of the monster he really is to me , makes go from sad to extremely angry intermittently. I’m sure this is normal but how do you heal ? I think scars like this you always carry . Mine are bright wounds . Leading me to cry at any moment . I’m in no way ready for someone new . I’m quite comfterable being alone in grieving it’s letting me focus on myself and get where I really need to be .

I really hate when people say oh Amy now you will learn for next time . Fuck that . Oh Amy you just made a huge mistake , oh Amy you just need healing . I knew I made a mistake long ago thing is I trusted this person to fix the mistakes .  But it just got so much worse than I could’ve ever imagined .

I wish I had advice for all you out there who are or was in my shoes and this is what I would’ve told my past self ( never stay with anyone who treats you like shit ) never stay with anyone who treats them selves like trash .

If they don’t love or respect themselves they will ( NEVER ) love you , they are toxic . I did eveything for this person just to ( Love ) me . I cooked for him , I changed my appearance , I stood by him, I was loyal ,I helped him, loved him . But I shouldn’t of had to ( Earn ) his love . I loved him he never tried to earn anything with me . He should’ve just loved me and in the end he left me .

After all that he never valued me or loved me . Or he would’ve done anything to keep me his ( love ) in his life . Instead of easily replacing me for someone else right away . This is not love but again he was toxic .

I believed God would heal and God could’ve but people have to chose God . But if he never loved me then he didn’t love me . My advice to my future self , at some point you will be able to breathe again and not cry every day . At some point you will meet good people you will heal . At some point you will forgive him and yourself . You will survive this even though you will always feel it .

Trust in God he led you to see the truth he promised you a future of hope so stay by his side no one can get away with lying to you or pretending . It’s hard I know . So fucking hard . Maybe one day you will trust again . Don’t ever let anyone destroy you like this ever again .

And if there is anyone out there reading this , never let an evil
Person destroy you either . People take advantage of loving good people we will never know why