Perfect Life Dreams

It’s simple and attainable if I had to pray for it ....  I’m almost there on some it and some I dream of it but here I go ....

Retired in Lake Arrowhead , married on the ocean , getting suprise love letters , being appreciated ,
Living by the ocean , attaining the body I’m working hard for , being closer to Jesus , praying with a husband , candles with him in a bath tub , skinny dipping in the ocean , lunch breaks at a book store , making out at a bon Fire , publishing my book , falling asleep in my future husbands arms , falling asleep in my daughters arms , seeing my son smile , being financially free , laughing in the rain , having someone fight for me , having someone grab my hand , having someone love me when I’m 50 having someone love me when I’m 80 , flowers for no reason , loving me for all of me , watching the sun set , Barnes and nobles , punk music in traffic , my bull dog , my friends , my kids loving Jesus

Dying with my husband , crying at my wedding , falling in love , healing , God . Peace . Someday right ...

Acceptance

I think the hardest part for me is acceptance. When you know in your heart and mind and soul something is a fact and then your hit in the face with the opposite being true , your in a pause like no this didn’t happen right ? Like your my best friend but you stole all my money or we been married 50 years but been having an affair for 20. It could be anything I suppose . For me it was knowing the person I was definitely going to be with forever . Knowing we loved each other . And it not being this way at all . I don’t need to get into details , those don’t matter on my blog but the point is pain of accepting what was and what is can be a horrible tragedy . The pain of losing what was real vs reality of the monster he really is to me , makes go from sad to extremely angry intermittently. I’m sure this is normal but how do you heal ? I think scars like this you always carry . Mine are bright wounds . Leading me to cry at any moment . I’m in no way ready for someone new . I’m quite comfterable being alone in grieving it’s letting me focus on myself and get where I really need to be .

I really hate when people say oh Amy now you will learn for next time . Fuck that . Oh Amy you just made a huge mistake , oh Amy you just need healing . I knew I made a mistake long ago thing is I trusted this person to fix the mistakes .  But it just got so much worse than I could’ve ever imagined .

I wish I had advice for all you out there who are or was in my shoes and this is what I would’ve told my past self ( never stay with anyone who treats you like shit ) never stay with anyone who treats them selves like trash .

If they don’t love or respect themselves they will ( NEVER ) love you , they are toxic . I did eveything for this person just to ( Love ) me . I cooked for him , I changed my appearance , I stood by him, I was loyal ,I helped him, loved him . But I shouldn’t of had to ( Earn ) his love . I loved him he never tried to earn anything with me . He should’ve just loved me and in the end he left me .

After all that he never valued me or loved me . Or he would’ve done anything to keep me his ( love ) in his life . Instead of easily replacing me for someone else right away . This is not love but again he was toxic .

I believed God would heal and God could’ve but people have to chose God . But if he never loved me then he didn’t love me . My advice to my future self , at some point you will be able to breathe again and not cry every day . At some point you will meet good people you will heal . At some point you will forgive him and yourself . You will survive this even though you will always feel it .

Trust in God he led you to see the truth he promised you a future of hope so stay by his side no one can get away with lying to you or pretending . It’s hard I know . So fucking hard . Maybe one day you will trust again . Don’t ever let anyone destroy you like this ever again .

And if there is anyone out there reading this , never let an evil
Person destroy you either . People take advantage of loving good people we will never know why

Home

You told me to leave the light on 

You told me . 

I folded your note 

Left it under my pillow . 

I prayed 

Every 

Night . 

Alone . 

Sometimes , 

I used to dream 

You were next to me 

And every thing was alright . 

And I knew one day 

You would come . 

One day 

You promised you would be home 

You asked me 

To leave the light on . 

Now I walk the streets alone . 

It wasn’t me you chose 

I re read your note 

I couldn’t . 

What did you do

What do I do . 

I left the lights on 

No ones coming home 

As she lies awake alone . 

Sometimes she screams 

Now she hides 

She knows he will never come back inside . 

To the place he begged her to just 

Keep on the lights . 

Now she burns the note 

He left under her pillow 

She burns inside . 

As she watches out the window 

She wonders how could it be . 

It was always you n me . 

Now she bleeds 

It’s winter now

We have to make it through the storm 

I used to dream 

You were next to me 

I always knew you would 

Come home . 

Now I walk the streets alone . 

Ode To The Hiding

It’s Monday morning another day off . I’m so tired . I vowed to take a nap today . 12 hour shifts plus gym plus running plus stress = exahsted . I’m not lazy I just sit here thinking of everything I can be doing . My bulldog needs a bath , gym , pack food prep , it never ends . Just one nap , I deserve one nap . I got approved for my boob job I’m so happy about this if things go my way by Christmas I’ll be at a goal weight I’ve never hit before and have my boobs . I vowed this year will be my year , and it will be ! I’ve had the hardest year one can come by , but I proved to myself I am no victim I’m one bad ass bitch . No foot can hold me down . I’m working on all aspects of my life as well as healing and pouring my love into my self , my Childeren and God .


It’s been hard work , hard deep sorrowful and rewarding work that I know is an ongoing process but I feel good and even on my sad days I have peace . Only because of my relationship with God and trusting him with my future outcome and doing what is right by him .  I have peace . I don’t chase the world I chase God . And I will never be in relationship with anyone who is not the same .

But my focus right now is me healing . Through counseling and mentor ship I’m learning and growing . I’m 40 . I wanted to be married by now . Wake up to a love and have that life , but I need not to put a time line on my future I was told . This is hard . So I just take life day by day focus on my goals and pray . God is good .

I know myself I can’t take a nap ! Maybe I’ll write a poem and do house work . Today is arm day , my arms are not losing inches in 3 months !! Every other body part is . I train eveything the same so I think I may join boxing ?

Any way this is my Monday Diary . Have a great day !

Reality vs Hugs

Today I am tired . I felt like I could feel him , like I could hug him and feel alright again. I wished he would show up this morning as I did weights at the gym and then I realized it can’t be reality . Unfortanetly true love stays , to bad the ones we loved did not . I’m so exahsted today . I can’t wait for my day off tomorrow .

Sometimes Just Sometimes

I’ve been praying every morning on how to forgive someone who did the unthinkable the list is long so long and painful to think of it makes me sick and brings me to a rage . I spend my days praying through this , God showed me something this morning . I told God I can’t forgive this time . I said how God ? How do I forgive a person who betrayed me , lied on so many levels it’s to much to write but this isn’t the point . Every day I’m drowning in pain . I push it down and remember God has a purpose for me and I go through my day and God is saying Amy , forgive. So as I drove to work today thinking of the things I needed to forgive this person for I get so deep and think - nope , no way sorry God . God said , Amy your pain they caused you is just a picture of the pain this person is in .

Wow . Makes sense . Someone has to be in a lot of pain to inflict pain . If I’m in unbearable pain imagine their pain . My anger for a moment turned into
Compassion I felt sad . So even though I’m not there yet I began to pray for the healing of this persons pain . And mine . It’s a start right .

I think it was a good lesson this morning in being able to see where hurting people are or lost or just need healing . I know it’s a long road for me but I learned a lot in my prayer time I wanted to share it with all of you in case your in the same boat .

Fabric

What do you see when you looked in my direction
Blinding
I call you out this evening
It’s a fallacy
As I pull myself from your eyes .

I parked myself beside your heart
Seemed like a war
As I watched the stars .

But maybe you were blind
Now so much time goes by .
Never did you come
By my side .

It was my anthem
Tattoo on my heart
Traced your name
In your regrets .

Like children .
I meant nothin
How did I mean nothin

I raise this white flag .
As I fall
Into peices
Into rage

It’s cold out here
You left us behind .
Your note
Said good bye .

It’s a tragedy
Parked my scars next to yours
Watched the night stars
Into the fabric of who we were .

Washing away all this
As I fade .

It’s a fallacy .
I call you out this evening .

As I pull myself from your eyes .
You never saw
Never saw
Me .

I was the author of this love
As you wrote the ending

And I fall
I rage .
Like sand grasping through
Empty hands .

White flag .
Never did you come
To my side .

Such a tragedy
I am here
You are there
Now .

Decisions

Today I drove to work , I heard Even Flow by Pearl Jam .  I turned it up and I thought about how angry I was . I thought about how my own reality of my current situation had to settle into acceptance
I was angry as it played out in my mind over and over , as my heart raced my prayer time over I thought how could I pour this into something effective . I knew I could so easily shut down completely forever . I could be that person the person who was so wounded and so angry there was no coming back . You just shut down and become something else . I’ve been that girl before . It led to a hard separation from God and drugs and bad decisions . So as I drove listening to Pearl Jam I decided to put my anger into competition , to get my sad depressed head out of my ass and sell again.
To go harder on my goals , and become even better .

This month I went from number one in sales to dead last . My sadness got the best of me . But not today . I decided this morning God showed me for a reason things and would not take away a good person . I’m not going to let a bad person who hurt me destroy me . I became the person on the Nike commercials and went down to biggest loser . I didn’t belong here for any reason

So today I sold 5 grand on a Wednesday I felt like I was back ! Maybe I’ll never be 100% but all I can do is fight .

Thank you
God .

Holocaust

So many things passing away
It’s the dead of winter
I can’t plant flowers in the snow
It’s a long road
And I’m out of breath
I’m learning to run this thing alone
And sometimes best friends become strangers
To me that’s the strangest thing .

It’s like a guitar pick
And it’s string
Never does it do the wondering

Now it all is a blaze .
So I run these miles
The faster I go
The harder I can forget
That you forgot me

But it’s not working
It’s snowing inside here
Will I get used to the cold
We’re you my sweater ?

I can’t
Find you
Any where
As I watch us on this old movie reel
The way you used to be
But now your a cold stranger
Pretending you never knew
Me .

Do you know what’s it’s like
To carry your face in your hands

As I watch us buried under
And the projector runs into the night
But I can’t feel you
I can’t see you

As the memories play in the falling snow
And I run
This path alone .

Gym Diary

To pull my focus on my biggest goal my Christmas goal of my last 15-20 pounds put me at an all time weight loss that I have never reached before . It’s Tuesday , I just finished my tuna not to exciting , and I’m ready to head to the gym . This morning as I undressed for shower I looked smaller so I decided to measure myself , I lost inch half in one week from every where ! Except my darn arms in which I have not lost in an inch in 3 months I don’t get it . I started intermitten fasting it’s hard , but I’m just doing my best . Today I’m exhausted my bulldog snored all night , but I’ll give my all today at the gym . Need to figure out this arm situation .

Any way have a great Tuesday !

You Are Not Alone

I came home last night to the lions den, as I cried in frustration my sister and my mom coldly yelled at me for being upset about my ex breaking my heart . Sorry I’m upset for being betrayed . There like you should be relieved and happy you found out now it’s just spilled milk . Ummm well let me just not have any feelings trust me I wish I didn’t . Throwing a future away and being betrayed hurts . I get to mourn that . I realize my ex used me like a wash rag , but that in its self hurts too .
It’s hurts so bad it melts through the cracks of my day like wax burning me from the inside out and I’m sure it will leave scars for the rest of life .

It’s not that I don’t see the value in myself , or God’s great power it’s that you lose someone you loved very very much . Don’t people get that ? I don’t care what they get it’s my grieving process .

God is in control not the cold world around me and I feel very alone . Alone in the sense no one gets it , so I’ll stick to praying and journaling .

I been trying to tell myself positive affirmations daily and through the day I read bible verses in the morning and on my lunch and I constantly pray . I know it’s a dark valley I’m in I’m walking through but I’ll come through the other side .

I hate feeling like I’m nothing and that no one gets it . Hi Amy so you went through all this you should be fine !!!’ It’s so messed up I’m not fine . I’m now alienated . It’s aweful .
To all the emotionally unavailable people out there it’s ok I have God and I pray long and hard on my commute to work every day there and back .

I’m not a victim I went through something . It’s like a death . Once you crumple and smash a paper no matter how much you try to straighten it out again it hurts and it will never be the same again .

I’m 40. I wanted this to last and be forever . I don’t want to hear you’ll find love again . I hate hearing that . Why can’t we have the things we put all our love and effort to . It’s just not fair and people are not well , and we can say be more careful but this is life and we love who we love .

So now I put all my energy into my kids my goals and God . I know I’ll make it . But this is the hardest part . And to anyone else in great pain you are not alone . 3 am can’t sleep .

When It’s Time

Today I mailed his stuff back . In all honesty I could’ve thrown it away the way he threw us away . But my sweet Raigan said , “ mom do the right thing .” Even though she was upset to kids are more forgiving so I did it . I drove to the mail center in tears and mailed it . Larry an addict who I work with who is married but is so nice to me said / All he did was prove he cares about no one .

I think what deeply hurts me is throwing away all the promises and our future . But that person is gone . He is a facade of what I once knew a cold mask . All I know is it’s in God’s hands and I don’t know now how to heal . I’ve battled so many things in my life I’ve over come even rape . But not a thing like this .

I think no matter what I’ll carry this for the very rest of my life . It makes me sad . But there is nothing I can do about it . I’m just blessed it didn’t harden me or make me bitter I just became sad and shocked . It’s an evil world out there all we can do is pray for those who hurt us and pray God heals us all .

Today I ate banana cake as I cried . Today as I let him go I determined that it was ok .

Standing Still

Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn- 

The only way I can explain this blog and the pain I am going through and what special moment happened tonight . 

I was at work tonight , first off right now I’m listening to Hozier , Shrike play it while you read this it makes it all make better sense . So if you read my last blog you knew I ended up in tears at work feeling alone and tired and sad . Tonight something shifted . My friend was upset about her ex who is an active addict who keeps showing up at her door like a crazy person telling her he loves her and tells her to fuck off at the same time as she’s telling me this story , I’m thinking of how I just lost a loved one to the crazy world of addiction and all it entails . People are just not well . She’s telling me how she’s telling him she loved him but it’s no good . 

Then as I’m talking to her I look behind me I see my friend ( my guy friend ) crying . The same guy who told me I was a pussy last month for missing my ex and crying every day 
The same guy who never shows emotions , this model gorgeous guy in tears , I said what’s wrong ? He said I’m getting a divorce . I said don’t be a pussy . Then I said this advice does not work does it ? He said no . I said I have no answers . I just know I’m time we will feel better . He said something profound - he said but it will never be the same . All three of us stood together in a circle at work . Crying . I knew this was real love . People who hurt us were selfish . We loved them we knew life would not be the same with out them , but they found other people , took us for granted , when we fought wars for them . I realized pain has no prejudice on its victims we are all good looking good people . Caught up with selfish uncaring people all we wanted was for them to love us back . 

And he says but Amy it will never be the same . Breaks my heart . Because these people never gave us a second thought in hurting us and leaving while our lives are destroyed 

As we all stood there I realized at least we were not alone and we had each other 
Maybe the pain will last forever . I don’t know . All I know is I’m not alone in it 

For My Fire

I asked God to document it

All the times I was on my face on the floor 

Every tear that fell for you 

I asked God to take the pain 

And to write it down 

All the sleepless nights I waited 

For you to come home . 

I asked him to take the pain 

Because you didn’t care . 

With all the love I ever gave you 

You never loved at all . 

As I fought a war . 

You said to believe 

Believe in us 

As you were laying in someone else’s arms . 

I scream alone in my car now 

And I ask God to help me forget it . 

How I can lose my life 

And how he can forsake it . 

God can you document it 

As it gives me torment 

As I feel lost . 

Maybe this is a passing moment 

But I’m here now 

With empty arms 

And a hearts that’s broken . 

The Life I Prayed For

You had your thorns
You had your love
I cut my hands to get to the middle
Of what I knew you had .

You promised to be better
I got better too
I saw our future together
The one we dreamt of in two

Instead you made us one
Chose another way
Split our souls apart
On another journey
It’s a shame
The lost

I was meant to be with you
You were meant to be with me
Now I sit in this old tattoo shop
Listening to old songs we live in
The beautiful memories
When you loved me
When getting better was a possibility

Now it’s a dream
Far behind us
You took the fork in the road

Never looked back

Because Christmas

Monday morning 9 am and I’m laying on my new bed and my new bedding I bought.It’s my day off and I’m exahsted. So mentally exahsted and physically exahsted I broke down in tears in the middle of work yesterday . They began to stream down my face as I told myself to stop - I said Amy your ok - Amy don’t be a pussy - Amy get a hold of yourself ! I’m used to always consistently being a top salesman the past few weeks I been subpar . My mental state is a mess . I’m better then this . I was hanging on a thread last night when my customer after an hour of helping them grabbed another sales associate they worked with prior.So now we had to split the sale . My mental state for needing sales my frustration and being tired just completely said it’s enough Amy . My eyes began to water . Me making money and doing well is my pride and my source of income . I had so many things falling apart at once it was like a perfect storm . I just looked up in my mind I prayed God help me .

I love my job . I love it so much but last night I couldn’t wait to get into my daughters arms and just go to bed . So here I am today drinking coffee and need to get ready for the gym.My body is sore and tired but I have to go .

I make notes to myself in my calander on my phone in the future that say : you did it Amy I know you did ! You hit your goals good job !!! I know you worked hard ! I know your feeling better .

My biggest note is on Christmas morning.Christmas being my favorite holiday ! I love the cold weather the smell of Christmas trees . But this year will mark the end of the roughest year yet . But I want to know I made it in every goal I ever had that I finished this year in spite of loss I gained myself and all my dreams . I’m closer to God then ever .

Christmas morning calander note :

Amy you did it ! You accomplished your goals ! Your healing and you worked hard I’m proud of you! You were brave this year and got through a war and came out better !!!
Today you can rest and have a cheat  meal lol

Love me .

Don’t ever give up .

Invisible

This so hits home right now - by : Hunter Hayes

Crowded hallways are the loneliest places
For outcasts and rebels
Or anyone who just dares to be different
And you've been trying for so long
To find out where your place is
But in their narrow minds
There's no room for anyone who dares to do something different
Oh, but listen for a minute

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Those words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
Oh, invisible

So your confidence is quiet
To them quiet looks like weakness
But you don't have to fight it
'Cause you're strong enough to win without a war
Every heart has a rhythm
Let yours beat out so loudly
That everyone can hear it
Yeah, I promise you don't need to hide it anymore
Oh, and never be afraid of doing something different
Dare to be something more

Trust the one
Who's been where you are wishing all it was
Was sticks and stones
Yeah, the words cut deep but they don't mean you're all alone
And you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more of this life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible

These labels that they give you
just 'cause they don't understand
If you look past this moment
You'll see you've got a friend
Waving a flag for who you are
And all you're gonna do
Yeah, so here's to you
And here's to anyone who's ever felt invisible

Yeah, and you're not invisible
Hear me out,
There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now
And someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible
It'll be invisible

Songwriters: Caitlin Rose Baker / James Peter Mangohig / Philip Eric Norman

Threads

It’s 8:30 on a Friday night I’m off early because I’m in the top 3 of eveything in the store . I’m going to the gym . I try to survive my day and as I walk out the door I’m crying it’s called grieving . I ask myself why ? He never grieved me . That’s what breaks my heart makes me sick inside and logically makes no sense . You can’t love someone so deeply and not care and leave them and just forget them
I tell people the story they are speechless . To the normal world it’s cruel and senseless . I don’t know how to shake it off besides to tell myself this person never really cared . Get a hold of yourself Amy this is your reality . It seems like a bad movie a fucked up movie . But I remembered a similar time when someone put me through a horrible time like this it was my divorce. He was bipolar . People with personality disorders people who are lost with out God with out direction just hurt you . Because who with morals causes pain to those who love them ? And those they love ?

Satan is the author of confusion the Bible says . All I know is God does not want a life of someone harming me over and over with no conscience . So here I am grieving my future what I thought it was going to be and I thought he truly loved me . I watch couples they don’t appreciate each other . He always told me our love was special we never got sick of each other we were  meant to be together forever . But in an instant he was gone and jumped into something with someone else ? Wasted no time . It’s so fucked who could process how someone could do it .

So how do we process it ? How do we forgive God ? How do we let go of the pain that is so deep I can’t move ? Maybe a lot of prayer ?

I’m off to the gym now . Going to make my goals . I am strong .

Logic

It’s 9:20 . Today I was off . I finally went to 3 days off what a blessing ! I get to be with my daughter and ..... train more and .... make money . Thank you Jesus . I worked my ass off to get where I am today with the added blessing of carefully making sure I let God guide me in my path .

This blog is kind of an over look an over see if you will . I remember when I was 8 I thought where will I be when I’m old , married ? Have a house ? I also remember at 21 going to school full time making 100k a year on my own raising my son by myself .

But here I am by myself . Life serves us some pretty harsh disappointments . What I do know is I love the mountains . What I do know is I’m proud of what I can accomplish even when I feel like I can’t move I move mountains any way . I love that before I thought I wasn’t ever good enough but the reality is the world is full of beautiful woman every where and someone will love me because I have something they love that those woman don’t offer . I feel strong . I feel so connected with God he shows me exactly what others intentions are even when it breaks my heart because God knows what I deserve , a man who loves him . Thank you Lord . And I’m glad even in these hard times that even though I don’t understand I don’t have to I know God is in control .

I love the ocean and I love going to Barnes and Noble on my lunch break . And today I prayed with Raigan in my car , she asked if my ex boyfriend would ever come back and it’s sad to me when the world lets us down and I told her that but I told her God won’t and there is power in that , Amen

So we prayed right there I parked in the street to our God for our future and Raigan said she kept her fingers crossed so God will listen , I told her darlin don’t worry he listens you can believe that .

So here we are at 40 . Sitting in my room listening to my bulldog snore . My heart it hurts in an emotional sense . But we are doing well right . My 8 year old self I can say I’m not where I thought I would be but I’m going where God has called me and there really is no other place we should be . I signed up to volenteer at a homeless shelter .

May God bless and heal this little family we need it . Our hearts our weary lord

But we are your children . May you guide our path . You are the lamp unto our feet
And that you have been.

Good night .

Counterfeit

I’ve already seen the bottom , I’ll be ready when the devil is near .

Counterfeit . Did you know at the bank tellers are trained to know counterfeit money by studying the real money not the fake . Pretty interesting right ? In life I learned this lesson hard I wish I learned it fast but I would rather know it later then never . Wolves come in sheeps clothing . They have too . The enemy comes to seek to kill and destroy the Bible says . It does not say to give you a hard time it says to kill . If someone is coming to kill you wouldn’t you want to learn how so you can protect yourself ? Even better if God can save you wouldn’t you want to know this too ? Mind blown .

People make mistakes even Christians , but a person in a relationship with God you will know them by there fruit God says . They will keep God’s commandments and seek him first . We have to guard ourselves the enemy will come in every way to rip us apart .


How do we know you ask ? By reading Gods word by knowing the truth we know what the lies are .
People where mask and there is no hiding from the truth the darkness cannot live in the light .
And when it comes to evil and it comes your way you’ll know how to handle it .

God says to cling on to what is good and get rid of the rest . Satan is the author of confusion .
Seek God first he will give you the answers . Everything else will fall away . Trust me if it’s meant to be it will be in Gods timing and Gods will . Trust in him . Even when it hurts or when it’s hard sacrifice it all to God and you will see the darkness you were standing in .

Winter

My feelings have been intermittent like a patch of storms . Some days I’m numb this has caused me not to sell anything in 2 weeks . I’ve been number 1 for 5 months . Even though I was a mess before I guess having uncertainty was better then having certainty of the truth I have to now wear as some shameful badge on my heart , not as a victim no , just as disappointment . I realize grieving is ok and normal but I have to focus on my goals to be able to find my way through these days . I know winter will bring relief it’s my favorite time of year . I’ll be at my ultimate goals and so much this year will be accomplished that I never thought or dreamed of . Thank you Lord . I don’t know God’s plans but even in my pain I have to trust he knows what he’s doing in my life . My plastic surgeon said he can fix the botch job on my legs and do my boobs this is a blessing . I love my job and my kids are ok so I need to keep going . Keep trusting in Gods bigger picture . For the first time I’m completely reliant on him . I gave him everything even my heart . So let’s try to make the most of these blessings . And get through these torid months alone . And try to conquer the small things one by one .

Harsh Reality

Now he’s gone . He threw our love away it’s 5:51 am I have to get up for work . He seems so far away now . Far from the life we chose together that he left behind for something empty . I’m not sure why what we had I thought was rare and beautiful . He’s a stranger now . The man I loved disappeared some how along the way . I remember standing along the lake and the ocean dreaming of our future . I feel like he passed away . And all that we had just is gone . Now I’m here left to start over again is the harsh reality . Very harsh reality . Let’s do this one day at a time

Subtitles Anyway

You must let the colors violate the blackness - Tori Amos . 

Smudged lips on paper napkin 

Sinks in on empty evening 

As the crowds pass by like a black and white movie with sub titles 

Like some kind of a picture I never belonged in 

Always saving someone’s life 

No one ever changing mine 

As I walk past 6 and 12 

My brown eyes are laced in black mascara and so is my face 

No passer by notices 

As I’m invisible and I’m late 

Late for everything  I missed 

While I was wasting time . 

So I throw away my watch 

And fake a smile . 

I’m not sure how this movie ends 

I’m pretty sure I give up

As I laugh how stupid it all is 

Your such a pretty girl they say . 

Oh fuck it . 

It’s just the way it goes I guess . 

Hands Tied

My Hands Are Tied : 

Was I just a lucky penny -

You tossed along an ocean wave 

Forgotten and washed away 

I brought you to this place 

I loved you through these spaces 

I grabbed your fingers 

You screamed never let me go 

As tears streamed down my face 

I said babe I’m scared 

You said I’m scared too 

Never let us go 

As the ship you set it sailing -

As you waved your last good bye . 

You turned your back as I tried 

I tried 

To reach my arms to you 

In the fog . 

I said remember 

When you said to never let go 

Was I just your just your lucky penny 

You spent when , there was nothing left 

You tossed in our ocean 

Watched  the waves carry me out  

Did you remember I kept my promises 

Did you remember I treated you the best I could ....?!!! 

Did you remember I lent you my hand 

As I held on 

But you did what you wanted you did what you wanted to do 

You wore me down 

You set this boat on fire . 

You let me go . 

I thought you would change your life 

I thought you would never let us go 

Your promises are all we had . 

Did you remember ? 

But it’s your mind 

It’s all in your mind 

To do what you want to do to me . 

I see who you are . 

Your promises 

Your promises 

Are all played out . 

I was just your lucky penny 

You found me 

I brought you here 

I got you this far 

We had a purpose 

You tossed me away in our ocean 

I grabbed your fingers 

You screamed never let me go . 

As the tears streamed down my face 

As they do now . 

I treated you the best I could . 

Last Words

It’s Sunday I feel mentally exahsted . Even though with God I know my future has a hope and purpose sometimes I still get sad . I’m independent I don’t need to date or have a boyfriend it’s just how I am . I would rather wait for the perfect person then any person but this is not my dilemma . The thing that worries me is half my life is over and I’ve never been proposed to never had a wedding or a honey moon and I’ve never had anyone truly love me . I’ve given myself to selfish people who walk on me and left me like I meant nothing after they promised the world . If I took a look in the mirror and asked myself how I wasted so many years and Gaines if I valued myself I wouodnt of stayed in one sided relationships . Me giving them taking . Them blaming me for there problems . I’m 40 and alone . I’m afraid to die with no one loving me at all . No one grabbing my neck and kissing my forehead for no reason or no one to make decisions with , no one to fight and make up with and no one taking the time to get to know who I am . I’m tired of people saying , well you have your kids because that’s just not the same .

This isn’t about needing to be with anyone it’s just about never being loved
I felt this years ago . I feel it now . I’m alone . It’s not the loneliness that bothers me it’s that no one knows me and no one loves me for it .