Why .

You once read the words on these pages
Now you wouldn’t even touch me when I was close to you in bed
You begged me for chances
Then ignored me instead
I don’t know how to make sense of the dead .

I’m left here in my sadness
Confusion instead
Walking away
Never knowing who you really were

You begged me to hold me close to kiss me
But you pushed me away instead
I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes
I feel like screaming
Why would you do such evil to someone who loved you

I sit here lost and confused . Why .

Falls

Someone will find me here
Won’t they ?
Alice in her pretty dress
She’s ready for her next adventure
As she lays in bed
Why do I feel like a mess
The piano plays heavy in the air

I have the power to conquer this
Rabbit says .
And all the boys said she’s beautiful
Except him .
The one she danced with at midnight
She held him one last time
Said her last good bye .

Maybe I’ve wasted so much time
Said the hands on this clock
Today I’m not crying .

I’m just wondering why
Where did I go wrong .
I wrote this story on my own
There’s a road Alice said
Lead to you

A dark hole
Cut my hands
The music stopped playing
It stripped me of my beauty
And I didn’t know where you had gone to

But it wasn’t me
Was it you .

I light candles in my room
I’m alone .

How does the story end Alice
How does it end .

Dear Santa

I’ve been pretty good girl this year. I don’t party I don’t have sex and my list is pretty short .

1.In home gym
2.House on beach
3.Husband who loves God .

Ok . Pretty easy .

Thanks
Santa .

Missed Turn

The rooms are crowded by young and old couples all laughing. They know what each other loves and how they take their coffee it’s not just the beat of the drum of the day it’s because they care. I realize at 40 I don’t have this and I’m alone. I never minded being alone but my life is half over and their is no one who knows how to order for me at a Restaurant or order coffee for me at a Starbucks. It may seem trivial but it’s apart of love and best friends . I’m scared I’ll never have it never know it, I wasted my time and love on men who never paid much attention to me it’s sad - sad indeed . Am I wasted ? Is my heart wasted ? I thought I had an impact the love I gave but I suppose that isn’t true. My life is just Unrequited love never coming back full circle.

I’m 40 half my life is over . I just want to know what love means before I die. To know what it means that someone thinks of me in a special way. God willing I suppose.

Taken Back

You gave it all then took it away
You cut my heart to turn it black
I’m taking it back from you .
Your the devil in saviors robe . - Y.C.


It’s the society we get lost in
Managing direction amongst the crowds
Mindless and empty
You took my cross to bury me .

Guess what Mr grim reaper
All the blood is on your hands
Mixed with the poison
That fills your bones .

You saw me as a siene
Took my hands to let them go

It’s the devil in sheep’s clothes .
How did you do it
With no regret .

Your the black in my sky
You are the night
Make no mistake
It doesn’t matter what lie you feed yourself
As the flies circle .

I can’t believe you led me here
Down your sink hole
And I was heaven
You gave it away

Big Change

As I drove home yesterday I was thinking of the situations I’ve been put through the past few weeks and though it’s taken a toll on me I realized I’ve changed.I know longer am attracted to situations that are not healthy for me. I no longer need to gain someone’s love to receive value. I used to let people treat me badly because I felt I deserved it and I was not good enough. But now I’m treated poorly I know they are not enough. What a break through moment! If someone loves you they would do what it took to not hurt you and love you. Love never fails. If they walk instead well they didn’t love you enough and you deserve better. I’m not wasting another day on anyone who says one thing but there actions say the opposite. I’m 40 I’ve wasted years of my love on people who took me for granted and never gave anything in return. I’ve just basically been used. No one has ever stepped up to love me I’m the one doing all the loving. Also I won’t date anyone with out Gods permission first. I feel stronger and I know what I deserve a true loving partner who cares about me / Amy.

This has been a long hard road full of pain but also growth. I’m proud of who I’ve finally become.

Once

There’s something about death
The way the pain never dies
The way you cry so hard
Your bones hurt
And it hurts so hard
You can’t see around you
Some how I stand here numb

This is my life .
The acceptance of your death
I know you’ve come
And gone

I lie here staring at my ceiling
With nothing left but memories

And I play our song
I don’t know where to go from here
I’m
Alone in this .

I walk away
As I held you one last time
Pretending you loved me

I wished we danced in the night like we once did
I wish you looked at me like you once did

Now are hands are lost in the distant crowd

I say my last good byes .

Love

I think In the 40 years I’ve been alive the biggest lesson I’ve learned is love is not selfish. The Bible says so. I deserve to be treated for the woman I am. I sacrifice everything when I love someone. I should be shown the same. I think people are selfish when they don’t truly love you or themselves. I know I deserve the level of love I give. Love cost nothing. I would rather be single and love myself then be with someone who is undeserving of my love as they treat me like their  door mat with out any care in the world. It’s crazy to think anyone calls this love. Love never fails right. Unconditional love does not 

I won’t settle for someone with just words and no actions. Who does not love with character of God. 

I’m strong now I’ve been through it all I’m wiser. If you treat me badly or say you love me but have nothing to

Show for it then I’m not wasting my time. 

I would rather be alone then have the person I love make me feel bad about myself. These people are empty. 

I’m not . I’m blessed to know the difference. Love is a bank account if your constantly filling someone’s bank with all your love and they just take until your negative how can you go on ? They need to fill you up back !!!! 

People will use you and lie to you 

Words mean nothing. Actions do. Never settle for something that just isn’t real

Take it from me I know

UnDeR StReEt LighTs

I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl you're taking home- Dancing On My Own . 


It’s half past dawn 
I can’t stop this song 
All around around in my head 
It was you I was dancing with 
Under the empty street lights . 

How did you forget 
As you promised 
I’ll never let you go . 

And I’m here 
Wondering if you see me now 
I waited so long 
To have you back in my arms . 

I lay here alone 
Always alone 
Memories of us fill the night 
I cry . 

Couldn’t you see me 
The one 
Who loved you for so long . 

Maybe the note you left under my pillow 
Is long gone . 
But your the one I dance with every night 
As I wait for you to come - home 

Did you see me 
I fought for you 
Did you see me 
Watching you from the corner . 

As I stand here now 
Under the street lights 
Watching the sun rise . 

I never stopped loving you . 

Stagnate

It’s the bottom of the barrel 

The lights are on 

The dawn whispers as my thoughts linger 

If I could I would go back 

To yesterday 

When you fell

Asleep inside my soul 

In my arms . 

We laughed as the sun set 

Kissed til the stars met 

What I wouldn’t give 

For you to look at me that way again 

As your fingers in the morning we’re still locked with mine . 

Now you lay silent next to me 

I wonder where your mind is 

I just want to meet you there 

I just wanted to meet you 

Right here 

Under the street lights where we left off 

In the cold 

Never letting go . 

Never ever letting go . 

Taming Alice

The wind is blowing the sails 

Alice says we ain’t movin 

And we ain’t home . 

Rust has set in Alice 

Says the cat 

We’ve come so far she said 

To sit here amoungst the shore . 

She covers her bruises well 

They all say she’s beautiful 

But none of that matters now 

All that mattered was that he was home 

But it’s still raining said rabbit . 

Your bandages are a mess . 

The wind is harsh and cold 

As we settle these bets all alone 

And time she laughs . 

I ask God to show me in the distance 

Will we make it . 

I’ve come so far he said . 

All I ever wanted was for him to love me 

The way he loved me before 

There is no calm - on the sea 

I ask the rabbit 

Is there love out there for me . 

Dear 2018

As I listen to Breathe by NF I decided to write 2018 a letter. This year I’ve had the most bad things happen in one year. I’m not playing victim this isn’t what this blog is about but if anyone knows me they know, I’m capable of standing my own ground. The year begun with a new job new boyfriend and I got laid off and I lost everything I worked hard for even my car and my good credit. My boyfriend was there for me but I was a mess a deep depression. I found another job but it was alright.
As we moved through the year to make story’s short I lost my boyfriend I thought I was going to marry he left me for someone else . My dog died the same week, this year I spent in the hospital so many times for my heart thought it was the end having a heart attack.

My friend died of an over dose not one of them but three . And I hired a trainer he pretended to be 28 he was only 22. I tried to wonder can anything go right ? Months have gone by there’s not a day that’s gone by I have not cried. People wonder why I don’t go out and date or party I wonder how I even smile .

I decided though I wouldn’t go out like this I’m no victim. My little girl looks up to me. She can’t see me give up and so many times I just didn’t want to live anymore I couldnt go on.

I decided I’m a warrior I was going to be the best yet . 2018 had me drowning but not dead. I got a new great job. Changed my body and my mind . I’m letting God heal me. They can say my life is boring but I’ll go into 2019 with God’s power and peace.

I’ll forgive all those who hurt me. Work through my grieving, never ever give up because there’s a hope in 2019. There may be the pain and dissapointment of yesterday but with God I have the hope in tomorrow no matter how much goes wrong .

So as we end this year I’ll go out fighting, crushing every goal I ever started . Nothing can stop me

The Way It Goes -2019

I sit here outside of work I’m always early. This month I should do a 100k maybe my best month yet I’m on track to do all I want to do as far as my goals but if I’m being honest I’m so hard on myself I feel really fat still even though I’ve literally lost half a foot in inches alone off my waist in 5 months. I still feel like I’m no where close. But that’s just me. I’ve hit every goal I set out I keep pushing harder and I’m tired. I need a vacation or a break. I think I’m just still sad. I think no
Matter what I just need to trust in God’s plan for me no matter what it is. I need to learn it’s going to be alright . I’m still grieving . It’s a process. I’m doing good other wise . I’m smart I’ve become wise and staying the course has been good for me. I plan on doing this through the holidays staying single and still focused on my goals . Revisit for 2019 will be moving . That’s next on the list .

Rivers Edge

Something broke that day in ways I never thought I could break 

The story seems to be getting stale like old bread they said 

But it’s the poison I ingested 

I watched the arms of the clock 

Pause for a moment 

At the time I found we became disconnected 

I visit this memory where we are still kissing 

To pretend the nightmares never happened . 

It’s like layers of blankets 

Us. 

Never to be uncovered or forgotten 

Someone tries to touch it 

Uncover it 

Its an open wound and I still cry for it 

Try to make sense of it . 

I’m alone you see

In this world 

I been lost since you left home 

I been left searching 

I always thought you would be lost with out me 

I’m a mess 

I don’t care who does not understand that 

I pray wherever you are 

You feel it . 

My friends they want me to be happy 

But I’m happy remembering you smiling at me . 

That memory fades as I’m left here clutching . 

I pray for God to heal me . 

As I try to sleep . 

If Everything Came True

If I had my way . Although I know I have to wait to see Gods plans but if I had my way this is what I dream every day . But you never know God could have a better life or maybe just a whole different life planned so it really does not matter what Amy wants but I still hope for it so here it goes

I wish I had Paige Hathaway’s body. I work hard but she literally works out 2 hours a day I need money to have my job to train all day. So next goal is more money. Secondly I dream of writing the rest of the day at the book store at sea port village this takes money too . So far I need a lot more money. Thirdly I wish I lived near the ocean I just need more money. Fourthly I wish my ex boyfriend was in the process of changing his life and at any moment he will show up changed and we will live happily ever after. That takes a miracle . So far we need lots of money and God,

Fifth goal long romantic road trips to the mountains listening to punk rock music not country
Yes I’m the coolest and one day of my ex does not return I pray he realizes he’s an idiot. And I find MR right someday and we will go to the mountains and I will look some what like Paige Hathaway and hopefully I’m not to old and I will cry thanking God for answering my prayer

As for now I’m laying in bed working on my body and my money wondering how to make this real

The Contents of Lack

The words ring loud as my son tells me mom you just love shitty people as he hangs up the phone. It’s Saturday morning I’m an hour early for work so I’m writing what I’ve been thinking all week. It’s not about loving shitty people. I watched a video a few nights ago about being attracted to situations that are in lack. So you are dating this hot guy and it’s great and all the sudden they are lacking in attention or they are emotionally abusive or whatever the case is you should leave the situation immediately because nothing about this person or situation should be attractive to you. You stay with lack. You long for it to change thru say they love you, but love is not lack or longing. 

What is it in me that is attracted to the situation of lack. I stayed in lack. I loved someone and still do in lack. But I will never be in a situation again in lack. Be it him or anyone I realize now what love means and it’s healthy and what healthy is I’m no longer wanting lack. Crowd please applaud. I thought I lacked in beauty in everything I didn’t see my own value. So I let myself become a door mat. 

Who could respect this? I’m one to be respected because I’m not lack? My friend told me I could chew someone up and spit them out.I loved that! Because I’m no longer lack. I do believe God can change lives and paths I would be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t pray this for my ex every day. But today and In my future I’m not lack. 

I’m writing this to encourage you to not desire lack. I’m not dating because I need to heal all the wounds that caused me to be in lack. I don’t care what people think God has me in a holding place of healing. 

It’s more important to heal and become whole and to learn my value then to ever fall into lack again. I hope this may of helped anyone out there!!!!!! 

Love is appreciation , truth , loyalty , honor , not lack . 

Remember this . You shouldn’t have to long for someone to be those things that’s lack. We are valuable and deserve love. 

No One

If I win the war why am I silent 

If I made it why are there stitches in my chest 

If I’m the beloved why is my gun empty 

I’m lost in the desert 

We are the only ones left 

Aren’t we ? 

I’m the one aren’t I ? 

They say I’m tangled 

As I run away from your accident 

It’s like I’m fine leaving the scene of this crime 

They ask if I’m alright 

I think I’m in shock 

As they report it on the news tonight 

Yeah it’s that kind of story 

Right ? 

I couldn’t  explain it if I tried . 

I’m like the tomb raider in this ordinary life 

No one could ever know what it was like 

The strife . 

It’s like the twisted metal of the wreckage is my life 

But hold on I’ll brush off my knees 

Wash off the tears 

Hide the make up smeared across my face 

Because I’m just fine ...... 

You say you get it 

No one gets it . 

I’m a different breed 

I’m branded . 

I’ve been in a different story 

The kind you see in those movies . 

I try to live this normal life 

But then the memories hit me . 

I’m a modern day super hero

My nights aren’t coffee and tea 

My gun is empty 

I’m healing 

You almost destroyed me . 

Not Entirely Sure

In this day in age I’m really feeling good about hibernation mode and healing let me tell you being in safety mode is ok . I’m healing from someone who lied to me and trust me the world out there is full of really bad people I’m telling everyone to be guarded and it’s perfectly ok to do so . God said Amy don’t date . I’m listening intently why ? Because when you don’t listen you fall into the wrong hands. Trust me. I’m healing I’m in the right place right now . I don’t know what God’s plan is but I’m not listening to anyone but God and I’m being patient .

God says to cling on to what is good and to get rid of the rest . I had a friend tell me lying does not define a person . He is no longer my friend. Always look at the fruit of people’s actions and cut them accordingly and live by Gods will and he will bless you

Asleep

Im taking my last breath 

They say some dreams aren’t meant to last 

I can’t stitch all these wounds 

As I collect the tears as I’m alone in this room 

They say love last forever 

Then why did you say good bye in that letter 

I beg to differ . 

Because now there’s nothing left to decipher 

If you want to know the truth 

I’m left in this prison 

Of the pain you left me in . 

I scream alone 

No one sees me crying . 

I’m dying 

What does the last breath sound like 

The last letter signed 

Here’s a stamp 

Thank you for your time 

As we watched the sun rise 

Did you forget how you fell asleep on me every night . 

Now I’m left with your name on my side . 

They say dreams are meant to last

Left with the Braille of your lost finger prints 

This is my letter to you 

As I close my eyes 

One last time 

I can never stitch the wounds 

Left behind 

What does the last breath sound like 

As we lose our hands in the crowd . 

The Big Switch

As I get closer to my goal I decided to start a Instagram solely to my fit journey. My friend told me over time it’s a good way to build followers and get paid sponsers as a woman. I’m
Working on building a net work to help others on their journey. I want to grow and heal as a community. Please follow my fit blog and my Instagram AmyEverettfit. I recently hired a trainer to help me get to my goal 10-12 % body fat . I just can’t lift that heavy on my own. I’m proud of how far I’ve come , proud of where I’m going. I know this journey has been nothing but emotional and hard and it will continue to be . I’m sad at my losses this year so I’m fighting for what I can control that is a better me. The best me I can be . And let God handle the rest .

Misery Loves Company

I’m writing this blog to make people aware of judgement. The other night I was leaving work my boss let me leave 15 min early to carve a pumpkin with Raigan. As I gathered my things all the guys teased me about having a date with a bad boy body builder. I mean there was 6 of them going in and on. As I thought about leaving with no reasonable explanation I decided to speak up. I was disappointed in there view of me. I said first of all I’m dating no one. I have no urge to date I’m following only Gods plan for me right now it’s healing , secondly every day I don’t party or hook up with guys and I spend my lunch reading my bible so I asked them with all this why do you think I’m out for one night stand bad boys ? I said I’m looking for a godly man when I ever date . They laughed harder ! I began to get upset . My boss said it’s my tattoos they give me a bad girl look and this made me mad . Is this how people see me ? Just because I have tattoos ? They can’t see who I am ?

This made me sad . Any way my point is get to know people before you judge who they are .

Denomination

Dust off the ashes 

My eyes are black . 

You put your poison in the veins of my neck . 

You killed me 

And walked away . 

I’m a black widow 

.......

My heart is in pieces in this web 

Your the last drop of heroine 

I’m dead in your arms as you sing me to sleep darling 

You whisper you love me 

As I turn grey . 

I saw the snake 

Fuck you 

Love is not pain . 

You erased me like an old tape 

And I’m

Stuck on rewind I can’t play . 

So tell me why you think it’s nice 

To destroy my life ? 

Tell me how you can justify 

Beating me to the ground 

Kissing me good bye 

I’m a black widow 

Dust the ashes off 

I gave you 

I gave you 

Everything . 

You left me with nothing 

Your the knife 

I’m the wrist . 

Now I’m here 

Grasping on you never cared . 

Its the death of me 

The life of you . 

My eyes are black 

Tears scream in the dead of night . 

Drowning

I’m struggling with the loss of my ex boyfriend and I’m just being real because I need help . The man I loved the most hurt me the most and betrayed me the most . More than I could ever imagine someone hurting someone . This isn’t about him , but it’s about how do I not feel sad and hurt and depressed . God definitely is my hope this has helped immensely . But does anyone have advice for healing . It does not help when people say I deserve better , or I shouldn’t be sad because no matter what it still hurts . How do I make it not hurt any more ? I even forgave him in my heart but it has not helped with the pain inside . 

Gym Diary

From today until Halloween I will fast.I think it will help me take better control of my depression from the sadness of losing someone.It will also help in my cutting goal.Let’s see how many inches I lose on holloween I’ll update !

Small Things

Monday : 

As I drove to my morning prayer meeting I prayed for one thing , to leave with joy 

I felt exhausted . I had no motivation for the gym or life in general. I knew I was moving into depression and this was an intermittent state I was fighting every day the only thing was saving me was every day prayer . 

Pain was playing over and over in my mind like a tape I can’t escape . The person who placed the tapes in my life can’t fix it they needed there own healing , I knew it had to come from God . Even though I been working on my healing journey sorrow washes over me like a storm that won’t pass . 

As I arrived at my mentors house I put on my smile I was actually glad to see her warm smile . After an hour of prayer she said God told her he wanted to replace my pain with joy ! God is good right . 

I’ll copy and paste the verse God gave me below . I asked her why ? Why can’t it be ok today ? She said God will get me through this , I will learn so many things. 

It’s Tuesday I’m laying in bed writing my audience out there . But in this I want to let all of you know that if you seek God he will not fail you. You have to give everything to him . Trust him , follow him and seek him . 

Man I could write books on how satan has tried to kill and destroy my life . 

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow or next year . I can tell you what my heart wishes . But I just have to trust in God’s will. Whatever is his will he will bring into my life . Trusting part is the hardest . But look how God answers prayers . If you don’t believe me try it yourself . 

Bible > Isaiah > Chapter 61 > Verse 3 ◄ Isaiah 61:3 ►  SUM   PIC   XRF   DEV   STU  Verse  (Click for Chapter) New International Version and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Meaning : Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous Loss 

When the rain falls from the ground 

It’s pounding in your mind 

Keeps you from your path 

Runs you around 

It’s all the whys 

All the answers 

Left locked inside your mind 

The living hell 

Divided stack of cards 

Set on fire thrown in the trash 

A black and white movie 

Subtitles I can’t read 

As I spin in circles 

As I change the channel . 

It’s an ambiguous loss 

It’s an unlit cigaret 

A grave with no body 

Do you get it 

Do you understand 

Yeah I couldn’t either 

I’m on the other side of this fence 

Do you know what the meaning is . 

I’m alive 

Your dead 

It’s half our picture 

With out frames . 

It’s a forever love 

As you walk away 

It’s 

Ambiguous loss .

Contemplated

Contimplated - by Amy Everett 

It’s sun light,  my face changes 

With every moment as it passes through my mind as they passed through your fingers like sand 

As they play like graffiti on the walls of who I am 

Bleeding in the very second of time

Never forgetting always reminding me 

If the way you held me close 

Love me so . 

Let me go . 

And I try to erase it 

But the walls are high 

Paint is bright 

Every where I go 

There’s a sign 

And I’m losing my breath 

Like I’ve been running this whole time 

around every corner 

It’s there 

Like the old latter and it’s painter 

I lay in the sun light 

As our memories 

Passed through your fingers like sand 

But I guess that’s how it goes 

Love in 

Love goes 

Words you tied up in a note 

Never meant 

Until they played out 

Until I’m here alone 

I’m the painter 

Fuck the ladder 

Cuz it was love I gave in these letters 

Now there graffiti 

I can’t seem to paint over 

And over 

And over ..... 

It was our moments I lived for 

The ones you crossed our hearts

Hoped to die 

Now I’m alone 

And your hands are empty of all the sand

Change

As I sit here on my lunch break at Barnes and Noble , I realize my life has settled into a routine and it’s boring and it’s all so self healing I’m ok with that . I eat the same things every day, go to the gym and work, and tend to my daughter. Occasionally I see Malia and Troy not as often as I would like to. As I navigate into my new world , my new job, new body I’m designing a path where I’m alone. It’s not the alone part that gets me, it’s the I always thought we would be together planning Halloween and trip for Thanksgiving.  I’m adapting like a child falls on concrete off there new bike. 

I went to lunch Monday with a very old friend who prayed for me , he said,” heal Amy, one day at a time.”That’s all I can do is have faith one day at a time. 

God reminded me on my drive home last night as I became sad that he was indeed in control. To follow his truth and his light 

To continue my trust in him and to not be afraid. I thought yes, I’m doing my best. 

I’m proud of the woman I’m becoming emotionally. I’ve grown as a person inside and out. I have peace about this. 

It will be alright. 

Victim or Victory

Victim or Victory .

Cheers to this year .

I lost my job , my car , my dignity . Thought about ending my life my depression was so bad I mean could it get any worse then to watch everything you work for as a single mom be taken away . I lost the love of my life my soul mate I am not even sure to what exactly ? The world ? His mind ? Addiction ? To another woman ? I lost my dog . At one point I just couldn’t stop crying . I was so angry I could smash his face through a window , so angry I didn’t want to live any more . I decided you know we always make those stupid resolutions right . I just turned 40. I’ve lost everything I’ll be damned if I go out like this . My kids need me . I held onto God and said here is my heart take me out of this storm . I’m drowning ! No joke .... I’m drowning . The pain , the pain .....

God said let me show you the way - trust me . So I have . I’m learning to forgive the ones who hurt me . I’m learning to walk on water because Jesus my father holds my hands . But I’m doing it . Healing . Last night I felt victory . I am still sad . But victory through Christ in that in suffering I have peace that in all this he is leading me to a future with out harm .

I’ve lost weight , I’m crushing goals . I won’t let 2018 go down in flames I’ll wake up to 2019 better than I ever was before despite my trials despite my hardest year I’ve ever had . Thank you to my friends and mentors for your great love in this time of pain . I love you . And thank you God for my salvation and speaking to me every day.And sending me amazing people that give me strength .

Roof Tops

I can’t fix the shadow 

It trails behind me 

Full of memories 

Playing over and over of  you and me . 

I feel like Peter Pan 

I’m trying to fly 

From the pain . 

It’s a long way down 

From yesterday . 

Maybe you didn’t love me . 

But it won’t change 

How I loved you . 

Now I leave the scene 

Of this accident 

Running down the cold road alone 

But I can’t shake this shadow 

Always by my side .

The Day I Spoke To A Real Angel

It’s Saturday night it’s 8:28 pm listening to NIN Ghost . I need to go running things have been crazy in every way the past few weeks as I was unloading groceries I began to cry . I thought of the last words my ex told me as he went to rehab . Mark my words Amy I’m tattooing your name on my ring finger we’re going to be together forever . I now sit here writing alone.I don’t know how anyone can lie so deeply when it comes to love some days I cant accept the pain of this . As I unloaded my groceries I rembered a woman ten years ago in the grocery store stopped me she said , “ Amy, be picky about the men you pick really picky because you are special . “

She knew my name she was a stranger. I thought about what she said but not enough to keep me away from the next ten years of a few bad guys and I wish she sat me down and mapped and out and said Amy love yourself.Don’t pick men who put you down,don’t pick men who don’t love God maybe I would’ve had some light bulb moment . But at 40 and broken have I finally gotten it as I lie here heart broken.After my ex found someone else? Now that I vow never to date again?Trust me I’m good with this decision . I’ll goadly stick to Gods side like glue and stay put for some healing and now I sit with my daughter and I tell her .....

Girl love yourself . And don’t let anyone abuse you or put you down and now I can send the healthy message. I’m very sad . Sad the one I loved left . Sad I didn’t leave someone who never valued me
Sad he never fillowed through on his promise or I wouldn’t be writing this at all.

It’s like a message in a bottle right . Hopefully someone will read it before it’s to late before they get broken and left .

We deserve only the best .

Pacing

Pain is like a wolf pacing at the back door . No where to go , no relief . It’s just there . With all the disappointments , lost dreams and hopes.You don’t know what to do with it he just paces . Forgiveness calms him for sometime but it’s still present . Maybe in time he will leave maybe he will remain , I don’t know

At What Cost

It all started when I was young . I used to be mad at God I thought I was cursed being born into the wrong family or the wrong city . I always saw people who were so happy . Some people had it worse then me . When I was around 10 I went to my parents friends house to baby sit and ride there horses .
They were like a second family to me . The man of the home decided it was a good idea to take advatange of me in any way a man could . Went on for some years . Until it stopped . I was in a life threatening accident on his horse and in the hospital and he sat by my hospital bed to make sure I wouldn’t tell . Everyone just thought he was worried , this was the beginnings of my child hood .

I was young and thin I grew to be a pretty girl but my parents put me on medicine due to my accident caused me to gain weight and the kids at my private school came to my house and wrote the word pig in my drive way . Things were falling apart inside . I had one friend who knew the truth one and he was 2 years older then me and vowed to keep me safe . My kind parents told the church to keep him away from me because he was 2 years older ! It was beyond evil . He was the only good I had . This act alone changed my destiny . As an outcast and confused I turned to drugs . I had no parents to go to no real friends and I was alone .

Drugs became my source of comfort and my worldly friends were the only love I had . I was in high school . No one cared about me everyone around me was selfish including my family . I was alone

I could write a book on this and I should . Fast forward to 40.  After years of healing counseling picking men who treat me badly due to insecurity , here I am .

I’ve lived 40 years of allowing men to treat me like dirt . Tell me I’m not enough by there actions or by there words . It’s not the tape I’ve just played in my mind it started as a child


My recent ex boyfriend said mark my words I’m going to marry you !!! I love you amy but left me for a 24 year old and I’m wondering how did I ever be with someone who treated me so so bad .

It’s 7:38 pm on a Tuesday and that same guy who claims he loved me wouldnt even get help
To fix himself he actually blamed me . So I have to forgive him and my past and make vows

A. Love myself . Love myself as much as God loved me
B. Don’t let anyone in my life who does not love the lord
C. Once I’m done with self healing no man , no friend no one will be in my life who is toxic or who does not love ME.
D. No more wasting my time . I’m whole and beautiful and valuable .

I been raped and abused and lied to all my life . And it will never happen again .
If someone loves me they will love me .

Lessons are hard learned . Life has been hard and unfair . But no more bad choices .

Tomorrow

I don’t know what my future will bring . I know it’s midnight and I can’t sleep . I miss hearing Tank snore as I write I’m deeply saddened . I took my progress picture I have a 4 pack even more determined for my Christmas goal for a 6 pack . I’m not even happy with my body yet and I’ve come so far . I think about my future to get through these hard times - sad times of loss this year . Dreaming gets me through the hard days and honestly I don’t know how I’m making it . It’s prayer and faith.

I dream of moving and having my house and being able to burn those candles that smell like vanilla frosting . And having beautiful rugs white fluffy ones and having a pretty house .

I think about not now but later having someone actually love me and not leave me or lie . How sad I’ve been through this to just want someone to be nice to me . To hold me at night and to travel with
To eat healthy foods with , lift weights with and pray with . Seems so simple this life right


Here I am alone healing . People say I’ve wasted my beauty my kindness , my love . Maybe I did and people who didn’t care . But maybe God has plans and paths for a reason I don’t know .

All I know is where I’m headed someday . Right now I know healing is right place for me . Not dating . I’m listening to the sounds of rain on my phone . It’s like memories are a thief to my sleep

They wake me in the middle of the night I’m always tired . I need to find a sleep aid .
Any way I will go to try to find rest I need energy for the gym .

Good night

CaUsE

Cause -

I’m a broken mess 

I’m a strong safe no one can get in 

I’m unreplacable 

Unstoppable 

If I bend for you 

And I’m breaking 

If you turn on me 

I won’t look back once I leave 

Watch the rain falling between us 

You knew what was in me 

You chose what you did to me 

We all have choices . 

I spent my last dime 

I spent my life . 

You had me whole 

You were my cause 

You turned on me 

Like a lock in an old door 

That was not mine 

And if you wanted 

To try to break in 

After I gave you all I had 

The house is empty now 

You took everything and ran 

I’m a brigade 

You had to have what was mine 

Where was the give back 

Where were you when I was bent ?! 

Now I’m a memory 

The rain falls 

Between us . 

It’s the life you chose 

I’m delicate 

And I am metal 

Watching me now from your window 

As I see you in my rear view mirror 

Tell me 

When 

You loved me . 

You were my cause 

My destiny . 

You came in 

The thief 

Took all that you wanted from me 

I’m not empty 

No 

You never loved me .

Erased

Remnants remain like stains on a chalk board 

Hanging on an open wall 

Having conversations with me 

About how you broke me to pieces 

Then buried me . 

Sometimes scars leave rings 

Like brands 

We try to erase them 

Like the winter rain 

Always coming and going 

But you are always here with me 

Like smoke staining old air 

Suffocating my lungs 

It’s a deep regret 

The way you tied up my heart 

Took it hostage . 

I’ll never forget the way 

You never cared . 

I may be a soldier 

Maybe you can’t see it in my eyes 

Maybe you can 

But it will 

Always be there