At What Cost

It all started when I was young . I used to be mad at God I thought I was cursed being born into the wrong family or the wrong city . I always saw people who were so happy . Some people had it worse then me . When I was around 10 I went to my parents friends house to baby sit and ride there horses .
They were like a second family to me . The man of the home decided it was a good idea to take advatange of me in any way a man could . Went on for some years . Until it stopped . I was in a life threatening accident on his horse and in the hospital and he sat by my hospital bed to make sure I wouldn’t tell . Everyone just thought he was worried , this was the beginnings of my child hood .

I was young and thin I grew to be a pretty girl but my parents put me on medicine due to my accident caused me to gain weight and the kids at my private school came to my house and wrote the word pig in my drive way . Things were falling apart inside . I had one friend who knew the truth one and he was 2 years older then me and vowed to keep me safe . My kind parents told the church to keep him away from me because he was 2 years older ! It was beyond evil . He was the only good I had . This act alone changed my destiny . As an outcast and confused I turned to drugs . I had no parents to go to no real friends and I was alone .

Drugs became my source of comfort and my worldly friends were the only love I had . I was in high school . No one cared about me everyone around me was selfish including my family . I was alone

I could write a book on this and I should . Fast forward to 40.  After years of healing counseling picking men who treat me badly due to insecurity , here I am .

I’ve lived 40 years of allowing men to treat me like dirt . Tell me I’m not enough by there actions or by there words . It’s not the tape I’ve just played in my mind it started as a child


My recent ex boyfriend said mark my words I’m going to marry you !!! I love you amy but left me for a 24 year old and I’m wondering how did I ever be with someone who treated me so so bad .

It’s 7:38 pm on a Tuesday and that same guy who claims he loved me wouldnt even get help
To fix himself he actually blamed me . So I have to forgive him and my past and make vows

A. Love myself . Love myself as much as God loved me
B. Don’t let anyone in my life who does not love the lord
C. Once I’m done with self healing no man , no friend no one will be in my life who is toxic or who does not love ME.
D. No more wasting my time . I’m whole and beautiful and valuable .

I been raped and abused and lied to all my life . And it will never happen again .
If someone loves me they will love me .

Lessons are hard learned . Life has been hard and unfair . But no more bad choices .