It’s Wednesday night , I just got home from work . I thought about how to write this blog on my hour long drive home . I came up with nothing . Just a basic idea of the most important thing in my life I need to share . I’m a writer but most importantly I try to be a visionary . One who can change others futures from my past . I’m listening to A Day To Remember . One of the best bands out there . I’m turning 40 on Monday. There are only 2 certainty’s in life that I know and my life is half over . I’m 40 and single and heart broken . But this has nothing to do with this blog . I still have no clue how to put this together in an elegant way .
I grew up in a very religious and judge-mental home,Everything was right or wrong . Your either good or bad .
I realized as a teenager there is a huge grey area . The one my parents never taught me . That was called love and forgiveness . And those 2 things by mercy right all our wrongs .
As a 10 year old rape victim you learn really quick about the evil world around you . And as a 16 year old you learn to ease the pain through white lines snorted up your nose after school . How else did they think a little girl could live through the fact that her virginity was stolen from her . She was ugly , dirty and unloved .
Her world was quickly divided and was searching for acceptance . There was no room for right and wrong she just needed love .
Fast forward to adult years and almost dying of a drug over dose I thank god he saved my life and I quit all of that and turned to God . But the love part was still a bit of smoke and mirrors for me .
In my journey I learned to love people for who they were . Life was not right or wrong . People needed to be loved .
No one saved me. Maybe my love could save someone . That didn’t work out either . Because it was never returned and I was hurting .
It’s funny , I’m 40 on Monday . I lost my love and best friend to addiction
People say Amy how could you love a loser ? Black and white right .
I hate these people . I quickly think back to the lost little girl on drugs who was raped , was she a loser ? Am I a loser now ? Did I not deserve love ?
Nothing enraged me more then when they call him names . Same people have so many sins why are they better? I’m not condoning being with an addict or an abusive person . This is simply about loving people for where they are at . Because if no one loved me when I was using I would be dead right now . I hate judge mental pricks . All of them . What about I hear - I’m not helping homeless people they just want drugs they deserve to be homeless !
Oh my gosh . These are broken hearted people . Every one breaks differently . Who is better than anyone else ? It makes my stomach hurt .
My boyfriend was and is a beautiful person . Even though are paths are diverged . I have no idea what future holds , I’m writing this blog about loving people for who they are .
Life is not black and white or right and wrong . God came to save the world
He didn’t say : not you loser !
No he said come and let me give you life . He forgave my rapist . He forgave me and he forgives anyone who comes to him and repents and gives there life to him.
God calls us to love . I’m tired of the fake lives people lead because there so afraid of judgement . The world is so afraid to love . We are all wounded and we all sin . No one is immune from it . So if he is a loser we are all losers.
The only 2 things I know in life are love unconditionally . Forgive . And be strong Gods hope is real for our future
Today I cried for so long in my car . My heart is still so broken . It’s ok I loved someone with all my heart and soul
I never cheated , I was loyal it was real
And the loss is great . Today I thought and prayed to God and said how God does the pain just go away ?
I begged god to make the pain stop .
But it’s real . It’s there . And you manage it through your day . I’m not a God . I have to trust him . It’s hard . Trust him to heal me , him and anyone who reads this . So we never go through this pain again .
But remember what ever someone is going through - they deserve love .
Just like you and I do . Pray it all turns out ok .
- Amy
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