It Happened First Time

For the first time in my life I had to love someone enough to let them go so they can focus on themselves . Loving someone more than my own needs more than my fears has been difficult 

But that’s real love . Real love is not co dependent it’s letting someone get what they need . The scary part is what if they never come back ? The reeling questions that keep me up at night and crying every day in my car . 

Missing everything comes with that too . I miss you . I think in this terrible journey that has tested my strength and bravery I’ve learned what love could be and love I can give . 

Hopefully giving it to God , you come back to us . I’m working to be the best person I can be . It’s all I can do to keep my mind off you being gone . 

Just know that I love you . 

Last Night

She prayed - 

Jesus bring him back with flowers and a ring so he Marries my mama . She prays that he will be fixed and come home . 

It’s a solitude of hell 

A smile that’s a bold face lie 

Facing the crowd 

I’m no brave face 

Not even good at hiding 

They know I’m not ok . 

There’s anger in my heart 

There’s pain . 

With out you 

I’m lost In this room 

Sullen eyes . 

They say I’m beautiful 

As I hide behind this mask 

What did I do to make him go 

They say he does not deserve you 

I can’t let him go . 

There’s a battle in this storm 

Nothing is alright 

I remember your smile 

That night 

Like an arrow in my heart 

Can’t be removed . 

I walk in the fog 

One step in front of the other 

Blind 

Asking god to guide me . 

Nothing is alright 

They say things get better with time 

I say it’s a lie . 

But what can I do . 

Except fake this smile . 

Just Above The Waves

God ordered me to step out of the boat . The sky is dark and the storm is bigger than I could ever imagine . I’m typically a brave risk taker . But this one had me scared and my heart was here in this boat . God said walk Amy 

I clenched the sides with my dear life 

If I walk I leave behind everything in this boat to God . I have to let go all of my control and trust God with everything . I had all these bags packed you see . Why would I leave all that was dear to me in this boat in this storm ? My heart was ripping in two and I cried like I never have before 

God I can’t let go ?!! He said Amy I command you to walk . But God ! 

The water is deep ! The waves are so high ! What if I lose everything  ?!!! 

I screamed in the midst of the storm but who could hear me ? It was me and God in the darkness . If I walk I have to put all my faith in you God to not sink in these waters . I’ve been through great trials but did he know what he was asking me to do ? 

They were all there in that boat everyone I loved , my hopes my dreams , 

As tears poured down my face . With every ounce of courage I had left I took the first step . 

I’m now in the middle of the ocean here in God’s lap . Gut wrenching pain looking back on my boat . Looking up to God begging him to make it all ok . 

Never have I been on such a hard road before . But now I know I can’t move a step with out God telling me where to go . 

On my 40th birthday I cried so hard on my way to work I almost had to pull over . Have you ever had a moment like this ? 

God bring him back to me I said ! God bring me finances ! God save me . 

I look around here I am in the middle . 

I have to trust God . Then this song came on by Hillsong called Oceans 

How perfect it was . So here we go on this journey . My hand in yours . 

Hillsong - Oceans - 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

The Big 40

One year ago today I was sitting on a beach writing a list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2017. With my love . This was my 39th birthday . I’m now turning 40 I’ve never felt more alone . Not because I’m single but because he’s not here . We accomplished pretty much everything on our list we were pretty good at finding things to do or Crazy new ideas whether they worked out or not . 

One night we drove to the beach we wanted to go to blacks beach . It was late and dark but we were determined to find it . I put it in my navigation which led us to a cliff that over looked the darkness of a world we couldn’t see . Yeah it was down there but it was to dark to get to , so we headed home.

It was nice going home to his place it meant watching one of our Netflix series and cuddling under tons of blankets after we made the room really cold . Or listening to old punk music and talking all night . What ever it was we found a home with in each other . Even when we fought we couldn’t be apart more than a day . It was mad love . I remember one time we got into a fight and I canceled our evening plans , he called me over and over until I agreed to work the argument out . This is why I loved him 

One time we got into a fight for 4 days and it seemed like an eternity of way to long we were apart . Now tomorrow I turn 40. He is not here to write new list for this year . 2018 started out with some tragic losses . And it does not mean that I can’t finish my goals this year . Every year on my birthday I write about the coming year . So I can reflect each year from where I was at to where I went . 

I hope this year is the best year ever . I have a simple list I pray every night I just pray for those things to come to pass soon . I learned in my sorrow to give things to God and this is hard to when your hurting . But only god can fix the broken things . 

I pray this year brings healing and new opportunity with my great new job . I pray my muscles get bigger including my booty . I’m thank ful for my friends they give love and support . 

Maybe on my 41st birthday we can write a new list . I pray these things come to pass but for now I’ll meet tomorrow alone with courage and bravery to a new year . Saying good bye to my 30’s . 

Happy Birthday to me . 

Without You .

They wouldn’t know it to look at me at all , all that I’m hiding inside . Behind my eyes and fading smile deep in the darkest parts of me there is you . 

Like a blanket under a warm tree empty and waiting for a home . 

Like a deep ocean of sorrow now that your gone . 

There’s always the tears waiting at the surface. But they don’t know it . Do you know it . It’s a battle I fight to win every day to get through sun rise and sunset with out you here . 

One step at a time I say . I try to lift at the gym to ease the pain or pray or think about you every night . But your there . Your every where and that’s ok because at least your still with me . In some way . 

But no one knows . I’m a walking dead man with out you . Hiding behind this fading smile . 

Why I’ll Never Stop Loving You

It’s Friday ! Things are like a wave up and down and the only thing I have that is steady is God . He’s like my safety boat in this storm . I’m holding on for dear life friends . 

An old friend ask me yesterday why don’t you give up on love ? Or the love I feel ? At first this irritated me so much . But then again everyone’s perspective is driven from where they are they are at within themselves . 

I’m not out looking for love my heart is not open for that . But I do love someone . For Gods sakes I’m not letting that love go . Why ? Because it’s real . Even though at the present moment we are not together believe me my heart is with him . Maybe he won’t return . That’s in God’s hands but my heart is still with him . 

So back to my friends question . Why don’t you let love go ? Well here is your answer : true love never fails . It’s patient . Love is forgiving it keeps no records of wrongs . Love is unconditional . Perfect love well it isn’t perfect . We go through life it’s hard . Very hard . We don’t know where we will land or what God’s purpose is but that does not make me love less . 

So my friend what love have you let go of ? Or who has let go of you may be the question . I’m here in the mud of life in great loss of a best friend . I don’t love him less in my loss I love him the same . 

I’ve learned love is forgiveness . Love is a choice . I don’t know what the ending is . But what I do know is that I’m brave . My heart is brave . I’m not perfect but my courage to love will never die . 

I’m No Loser - Neither Are You

It’s Wednesday night , I just got home from work . I thought about how to write this blog on my hour long drive home . I came up with nothing . Just a basic idea of the most important thing in my life I need to share . I’m a writer but most importantly I try to be a visionary . One who can change others futures from my past . I’m listening to A Day To Remember . One of the best bands out there . I’m turning 40 on Monday.  There are only 2 certainty’s in life that I know and my life is half over . I’m 40 and single and heart broken . But this has nothing to do with this blog . I still have no clue how to put this together in an elegant way . 

I grew up in a very religious and judge-mental home,Everything was right or wrong . Your either good or bad . 

I realized as a teenager there is a huge grey area . The one my parents never taught me . That was called love and forgiveness . And those 2 things by mercy right all our wrongs . 

As a 10 year old rape victim you learn really quick about the evil world around you . And as a 16 year old you learn to ease the pain through white lines snorted up your nose after school . How else did they think a little girl could live through the fact that her virginity was stolen from her . She was ugly , dirty and unloved . 

Her world was quickly divided and was searching for acceptance . There was no room for right and wrong she just needed love . 

Fast forward to adult years and almost dying of a drug over dose I thank god he saved my life and I quit all of that and turned to God . But the love part was still a bit of smoke and mirrors for me . 

In my journey I learned to love people for who they were . Life was not right or wrong . People needed to be loved . 

No one saved me. Maybe my love could save someone . That didn’t work out either . Because it was never returned and I was hurting . 

It’s funny , I’m 40 on Monday . I lost my love and best friend to addiction 

People say Amy how could you love a loser ? Black and white right . 

I hate these people . I quickly think back to the lost little girl on drugs who was raped , was she a loser ? Am I a loser now ? Did I not deserve love ? 

Nothing enraged me more then when they call him names . Same people have so many sins why are they better? I’m not condoning being with an addict or an abusive person . This is simply about loving people for where they are at . Because if no one loved me when I was using I would be dead right now . I hate judge mental pricks . All of them . What about I hear - I’m not helping homeless people they just want drugs they deserve to be homeless ! 

Oh my gosh . These are broken hearted people . Every one breaks differently . Who is better than anyone else ? It makes my stomach hurt . 

My boyfriend was and is a beautiful person . Even though are paths are diverged . I have no idea what future holds , I’m writing this blog about loving people for who they are . 

Life is not black and white or right and wrong . God came to save the world 

He didn’t say : not you loser ! 

No he said come and let me give you life . He forgave my rapist . He forgave me and he forgives anyone who comes to him and repents and gives there life to him. 

God calls us to love . I’m tired of the fake lives people lead because there so afraid of judgement . The world is so afraid to love . We are all wounded and we all sin . No one is immune from it . So if he is a loser we are all losers. 

The only 2 things I know in life are love unconditionally . Forgive . And be strong Gods hope is real for our future 

Today I cried for so long in my car . My heart is still so broken . It’s ok I loved someone with all my heart and soul 

I never cheated , I was loyal it was real 

And the loss is great . Today I thought and prayed to God and said how God does the pain just go away ? 

I begged god to make the pain stop . 

But it’s real . It’s there . And you manage it through your day . I’m not a God . I have to trust him . It’s hard . Trust him to heal me , him and anyone who reads this . So we never go through this pain again . 

But remember what ever someone is going through - they deserve love . 

Just like you and I do  . Pray it all turns out ok . 

- Amy 

Daily reminder

Daily reminder - 

If they want to talk to you they will 

If they want to see you they will 

If they want to do things with you they will 

If they want to make things work they will . 

Don’t do things one sided it’s not healthy it’s not fair to you . 

Don’t settle

Said I Let you go - but I never did

The pain is heavy

Like the traffic on this Tuesday morning 

You told me to hold on 

You told me to let go 

It’s this place you left me in 

Empty and bleeding 

I’m alone 

Floating here 

I tried to never let you down 

Told you to never look down 

Now we’re frozen in time 

You tell me to let go 

I remember yesterday 

You told me to hold on . 

Love is heavy in the air 

Like yesterday 

I can’t find tomorrow 

With out you here 

How did we get here 

Hands letting go in the crowd 

Seems senseless 

Cupid’s arrow 

Lost in my lungs 

With your name on it 

And I hold you here 

Tears run like rain 

Heavy in my throat 

As I say your name 

And I say I let you go 

But I never did 

Letter to him

I have this dream every night that you are here . And you love me . And it’s so real the way you lay next to me and hold my hands like before . Like it was meant to be . And I lie there and smile 

As you kiss my cheek I know there is no where else I would rather be . 

Then as the sun comes up I wake and realize I’m alone . 

Cheers

It’s just a book of pages 

Smudged with fingers and trampled in your blood 

It’s my legence to you 

In these letters , you toss on the ground . 

I walk with my sword you take for granted . 

I can’t tell 

I can’t tell 

If you loved me . 

And I sit against the wind 

An army at my back 

I call your name 

I scream . 

No reply’s left 

Nothing’s gained 

What can I do I’m bound to your yesterday 

I’m bound to your future 

You set it on fire 

Say good bye 

I pledge my legence to you 

All these letters bound 

You can’t hear me 

How did you turn your back on me 

We were in it together . 

If only he loved me back 

But I couldn’t tell 

As he devoted his final good bye 

To the last page of this book 

And it goes for miles . 

I gave my life for you 

I gave my heart for you . 

So here’s to justice 

I hope your happy with yourself 

And when I’m falling 

Your not there 

And when your falling I’m not there 

But it’s what you chose . 

I pledge my legence to myself . 

As you hold your own hands . 

I mean it’s just a book 

Full of pages 

Smudged in tears . 

Dear Diary for 40

May 12 2018. 

Dear Diary . 

It’s 7 pm on a Saturday . I just got home from work . I decided today to do a benchmark journal for where I will be one year from now . And where I am since one year ago exactly . 

Joy filled my heart today , as I drove to work I realized last year at this time I had no job . I was depressed and hated myself . None of my goals were getting accomplished not one . This was not like me at all . I had lost every single thing I worked hard for and was in a dark place and ashamed . 

This year I’m in a great job and it might take time but my finances will get back on track , I’m getting my body back , my faith and trust in God are in the right place , my love life I think is getting healthier or is on a healthy path . We’re both getting healthy hopefully we find each other again as a whole . This part has been hardest for me . But once again god is in control of our lives . All I can do is pray for what belongs in my life will be in my life .  I feel better inside and out like I’m getting back to myself and better . I’m turning 40 this month and boy has the past year been hard but I’m not going down with out a fight . 

I’ll look my best this year . Make the most this year . And love unconditionally this year . I pray by 2019 I’ll actually be able to say everything turned out alright . In my times of sadness God has brought me amazing friends to support me . God is good in times of sadness . This is my bench mark of complete health emotional and physical . And to keep it going and to stay strong . 

Even when it’s really hard . Boy we’ve come so far and that in its self is a blessing . 

Tonight -

It’s 11 pm on a Thursday night . Today was an ordinary day . My days off typically consist of gym , tan , laundry and spend my evenings with Raigan . 

These past few weeks have been extremely stressful . So stressful I hide in work to try to feel better . But tonight my chest pains hurt more then ever and they are on the right side of my back below my shoulder blade . 

Worst I’ve ever felt . As I’m laying here in pain contemplating the hospital I took 2 aspirin . I figure if I die I die . 

Lately God has shown me he is taking the wheel of my life . So I shouldn’t worry about these stressful things in my life . But sometimes things are hard and it comes through to our bodies like our hearts . 

I’m laying in bed I’m tired . I have to be up early in the morning . I have a lot on my mind . My chest is in so much pain 

I’m going to try to pray for a while . Pray things turn out ok . Ok today and for tomorrow . I’ve had gains and great losses lately . I just need a break . 

And a break I will not get . If I could just get an extra thousand dollars catch up on my bills or no the answers of what’s really in some peoples hearts . But I didn’t win the lottery and I’m no mind reader . So I pray I survive tonight . To fight hard . To be free of burdens . God bless me and my family 

Good night . 

Lake Side

I know where the car is parked I know where the cupboards are - Tori Amos 

It’s the last breath in my sail 

Traveling in circles 

Waiting for you . 

There’s a cloud in my eyes 

And I’m pointed West . 

Tell me 

Where to go next . 

But it’s clear 

My anchor is here 

With you . 

I’ll send you a message in a bottle 

Written and transcribed 

I love you . 

I’m not sure how I ended up here 

Stranded . 

My lungs broken 

Taking in time like razor blades 

Never knowing if you will find me here 

Puffy red lips 

Iris set for the sunrise 

You are the sunset . 

I’m a mighty sailor 

They said 

I’m brave 

They said 

She’s beautiful 

They said . 

It’s getting cold out here 

Radio is lost 

And I’m banking on Jesus to get us through the storm . 

And the coast is clear 

With my sunglasses on 

I wait for 

You . 

Stamps

Tattooed in the hearts of men 

Through post cards and broad strokes of letters 

I thought of you today like at any moment 

You cross the miles through my restless mind . 

I’m here in this desert alone . 

No one to call my home . 

No messages and it’s clear 

How I sink my lips on coffee cups 

And unsaid words 

And my heart is sold 

The sign is old 

Can you meet me here ? 

As I walk this road . 

I can’t see in the storm 

In glass cages 

Blindfolded .