Mirrors

This blog will take a big turn so bare with me it’s nothing what it seems in the beginning to where I’m going in it’s ending . I’ve had a hard time with the whole you got to love yourself Amy concept . If I told you how bad it was you would never believe how deep self hatred could run . I used to not be able to even walk into a store because I felt I was to ugly . I’m serious . I thought people in the mall looked at me because of my ugliness and every laugh was at my disgust . I would leave immediately and drive off in my car .  As a young girl I started at the gym with trainers thousands of dollars hours and hours at the gym on Friday nights it was never good enough . I started taking laxatives and meth to be better . I was so thin but still I thought I was so fat . I went to have Lipo suction the doctor told me I was crazy I ordered him to do it any way . It runined my body for life it left me with lines on my legs that resemble cellulite because I had no fat it ruined my body . I was only 23 years old . Sadly I almost died in my eating disorders . I realized God had more for me . I stopped what I was doing and just went to the gym . It caused me to gain weight . No drugs no laxatives , my body was in shock .

After a few years I was able to get back to where I was but after a baby you go back and forth but you get the picture . Now at 40 the self hate is still there . I here it all the time - Amy get confident . I laugh I don’t even know what that means or where to start . God says I’m beautiful I’m his princess but how do I receive that ?

I had a boyfriend who told me I wasn’t pretty enough . It made sense to me because I hated myself I needed to be perfect a model to be loved right ????? Well the lies I told myself said so . But it was dead wrong ! So was he . I look around at couples they aren’t Instagram models and they are crazy for each other . I think about all the loving things I did for my boyfriend he was damn lucky to have me ?!!! So what’s going on ?

Then it hit me . Value . I saw a quote 2 days ago that said love yourself like you want your soul mate to love you . Wow ! Now I get it . I wanted my boyfriend to love me , value me , make me feel beautiful , special , unique . Here I am telling myself I’m ugly , worthless , and invisible .

Boy oh boy . Not really the message of love at all . It’s not how God loves us . Not how my boyfriend should love me either .

Even though I still spend countless hours in the gym , it’s because I want to feel good but I don’t care what people think . Because I have value . I’m a great friend , I was an amazing girlfriend I’m a good mom . Even though I struggle with what I tell myself still and looking at a mirror I’ll remind myself to love me the way I want my soul mate too .

Love me the way God loves me .

I wanted to share .

Love

Me