I Can Only Imagine .

It’s 10:41 I’m in bed it’s a Wednesday . Raigans about to leave for 2 weeks on a trip and I’m writing before I go to bed . I’m writing this because I know other people in my shoes and I found some answers I wanted to share . Maybe just maybe I can help someone out there in a world where we feel all alone where no one understands . I am lucky to have some close friends who have been through this sort of thing before but I still feel alone so maybe I can help you out there looking for answers .

Here it goes . Bear with me I’m not good with written thoughts they usually sound better in my head
This year has been riddled with pain and confusion . Honestly just the word pain does not describe it
It’s like being dragged by a car in razor blades and alcohol type of pain and the worst part is it never gets better . I’ve never known this kind of pain and I’ve been through it all . This post is how to cope and what literally saved my life so please follow me to the end .

Losing someone is hard but that’s not the hardest part . Losing someone to there own pain is what’s hard . Because you can’t help them , and there pain tears them away from you . It’s a real cluster fuck pardon my language . So you have 2 things going on . You want to help them in there pain your feeling it to . They might not know it but you love them so it’s natural . And B. You are dealing with losing them from something that is out of your control . Man this is deep . I spent 4 months losing weight , dying my hair , changing my face I went to drastic lengths to be beautiful to be perfect . To give the right love but guess what I still lost him and I lost big . I was in such a world of pain I messaged my friend and he was worried he’s never seen me so devastated . He said , Amy don’t lose it ! I thought , I am I really am . Then I remembered something .

I prayed out loud in the car that morning that God would be my anchor , that his power would reign in my life and that he needed to take control . Like for real . Here God take this broken heart . I’m losing it . God told me to watch the movie I can only imagine . I been meaning to but I was to fragile but I told God I would after work .

So here it goes . The movie a true story of a man who’s life changed by the miracle of God . I won’t ruin it but everyone should see it . In the movie he asked god to be his anchor weird right . Things happened in this movie so similar to my life and it taught me something powerful .

In my sorrow I was doubting Gods power . His power to do miracles . In my life in his life in anyone life  . God’s hands are on it he is working and it’s so hard to remember this in times of confusion and sadness .

God keeps talking to me about miracles , faith and trusting in him over and over again . God has my attention ! I was drowning you guys . Drowning in my sorrow because I was looking at the problems and the pain . But I just needed to look up . Our God is bigger . I can’t doubt this . Am I crying still ?

Yes . Because I miss him and I love him . I don’t care it’s ok to hold on to that but the difference is my eyes are on God . I prayed today I asked God if he was in the small details of our day .

Then guess what happened ? ! My friend Zach Striplin a world championship fighter wrote me a training program for my goals . I had to pay 75 bucks . I didn’t know how I would pay it . I didn’t get paid til two more weeks . But I won 100 dollars today in a contest at work ! God is good .

I also lost 4.5 inches in 10 days keep the goals going ! So when things are hard and you feel like the waves are above your head seek God . In any way you can . Prayer , mentor , bible , Christian movies like I did . God speaks just listen .

2 weeks ago I prayed for a miracle . I needed 15k in one day to beat top writer in our store . It was the last day of the month and it was dead . God said Amy do you not believe I’m doing miracles in your life ? I said ok God I believe . I got back from lunch and sold 15k this is no joke !!!!

God is telling me over and over right now he is here working . So in this terrible storm even though I cry and it hurts , I have peace . God told me he will restore all that has been lost .

So here is to what God has next . Are you ready ?