Empty Streets

Boxing off the fireworks
Cancel my parade
The street is empty tonight, tonight
Everything is quiet now
The city holds its breath for me
Their spirit has died, it died

Running my whole life to reach this place
And just when I arrive, the moment fades out
Will you let me?

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
And you don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I don't need an answer
But if you rewrote the past
You think you'd just leave me out, leave me out?
Or will you spin your head around in every crowded room
To see if I can be found, be found?

Every single plan you will forget
So do what makes you happy
No regrets now

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I remember when you asked me how far 
that I could throw this love I found
Then I heard you say you'd wait around

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away
And this is goodbye, goodbye
This is goodbye, goodbye

The street is empty tonight
The street is empty tonight

Letter To The Devil

The devil pats me on the head 
I tell him to go fuck himself 
Not this time will he win 
They say I have a dark side
As he paints me black 

I  am black roses 
On a rainy morning 
Fuck these circumstances 
My sword is bigger 
Then the grave you tried to burry me in 
So laugh all you want 
I spit in the devils face 
Love is sacrifice 

God is grace 
In this miracle morning 
I will rise from the dead 

With the new promise of a better tomorrow 
Love is sacrifice 

Devil kills 
But not us 
Not us 

I Can Only Imagine .

It’s 10:41 I’m in bed it’s a Wednesday . Raigans about to leave for 2 weeks on a trip and I’m writing before I go to bed . I’m writing this because I know other people in my shoes and I found some answers I wanted to share . Maybe just maybe I can help someone out there in a world where we feel all alone where no one understands . I am lucky to have some close friends who have been through this sort of thing before but I still feel alone so maybe I can help you out there looking for answers .

Here it goes . Bear with me I’m not good with written thoughts they usually sound better in my head
This year has been riddled with pain and confusion . Honestly just the word pain does not describe it
It’s like being dragged by a car in razor blades and alcohol type of pain and the worst part is it never gets better . I’ve never known this kind of pain and I’ve been through it all . This post is how to cope and what literally saved my life so please follow me to the end .

Losing someone is hard but that’s not the hardest part . Losing someone to there own pain is what’s hard . Because you can’t help them , and there pain tears them away from you . It’s a real cluster fuck pardon my language . So you have 2 things going on . You want to help them in there pain your feeling it to . They might not know it but you love them so it’s natural . And B. You are dealing with losing them from something that is out of your control . Man this is deep . I spent 4 months losing weight , dying my hair , changing my face I went to drastic lengths to be beautiful to be perfect . To give the right love but guess what I still lost him and I lost big . I was in such a world of pain I messaged my friend and he was worried he’s never seen me so devastated . He said , Amy don’t lose it ! I thought , I am I really am . Then I remembered something .

I prayed out loud in the car that morning that God would be my anchor , that his power would reign in my life and that he needed to take control . Like for real . Here God take this broken heart . I’m losing it . God told me to watch the movie I can only imagine . I been meaning to but I was to fragile but I told God I would after work .

So here it goes . The movie a true story of a man who’s life changed by the miracle of God . I won’t ruin it but everyone should see it . In the movie he asked god to be his anchor weird right . Things happened in this movie so similar to my life and it taught me something powerful .

In my sorrow I was doubting Gods power . His power to do miracles . In my life in his life in anyone life  . God’s hands are on it he is working and it’s so hard to remember this in times of confusion and sadness .

God keeps talking to me about miracles , faith and trusting in him over and over again . God has my attention ! I was drowning you guys . Drowning in my sorrow because I was looking at the problems and the pain . But I just needed to look up . Our God is bigger . I can’t doubt this . Am I crying still ?

Yes . Because I miss him and I love him . I don’t care it’s ok to hold on to that but the difference is my eyes are on God . I prayed today I asked God if he was in the small details of our day .

Then guess what happened ? ! My friend Zach Striplin a world championship fighter wrote me a training program for my goals . I had to pay 75 bucks . I didn’t know how I would pay it . I didn’t get paid til two more weeks . But I won 100 dollars today in a contest at work ! God is good .

I also lost 4.5 inches in 10 days keep the goals going ! So when things are hard and you feel like the waves are above your head seek God . In any way you can . Prayer , mentor , bible , Christian movies like I did . God speaks just listen .

2 weeks ago I prayed for a miracle . I needed 15k in one day to beat top writer in our store . It was the last day of the month and it was dead . God said Amy do you not believe I’m doing miracles in your life ? I said ok God I believe . I got back from lunch and sold 15k this is no joke !!!!

God is telling me over and over right now he is here working . So in this terrible storm even though I cry and it hurts , I have peace . God told me he will restore all that has been lost .

So here is to what God has next . Are you ready ?

Under The Pillow

Alice composed a letter
Seems to be written in ashes
As the cold winds blow .
She can’t find the note he left
Under her pillow .

It’s going to be alright it said .
And Alice searches for it .
don’t be scared I’ll be back- he said .
Don’t worry your precious head girl

And I’m taken back
I know it’s some where Alice said .
How can it be gone
How can he be gone .

I search every room
So she drowns in this ocean
The cat says I told you so
As he finishes his cigar

Alice places her head between her hands
She falls like an old mop on the floor
How can this be
She said .
As no one answers

Time

It’s 6 am on a Saturday I have to get up for work. Raigan is asleep next me , the dog is snoring and I wish I didn’t have to go today . I’m laying here thinking about time . I’m thinking about how I have 4 minutes to rest . Everything in life is bound by time . Just like love . People will say Amy there are so many fish in the sea why do you make yourself beautiful but go home every day and cry . It’s easy answer because of time . What makes love unique is the memories we shared with someone they are ours and we can’t have them with someone else . Why would I want someone else . That’s how I know I deeply loved. This person . Another thing about time is we can have a million memories but they can scar you for life in one moment one action by breaking your heart . By just not caring about you like you did for them . Even though they said they did . So what takes a life time of love can take a moment to cause the worst heart break .

I’m 40. I thought I knew who my soul mate was so much I’d bet my life on it . But in reality they would’ve respected and cared for me enough not to cause so much pain over and over and over .

Yes I may cry every day . I don’t know what time will do now . But god is in control .

New me

Re inventing myself . Oh boy oh boy . Something I’m always doing but the past 6 months has been like being dragged by a car at 90 miles an hour . 

I decided to lose the weight I had gained was first step . I wasn’t the best person I could be for myself or my boyfriend . My low self esteem had caused me to be depressed . I wanted to feel sexy and comfterable in my own skin . It was something I needed to do for me . As I set out on my journey my boyfriend set out on his own to better himself mentally and this divided our paths . Losing my true love which I still believe we will be back together later God willing has made me take a hard look at the inside me as well . 

I sought out weekly prayer and counseling . Why did I have so much self hatred . Why couldn’t I face a simple mirror . 

Here I am 45 pounds less , and still going and I am dealing with building myself inside and more importantly giving God control over my circumstances . I have a weird peace in my times of sorrow . 

I believe good things will come I have to . God and myself have come far this year and I will fight to succeed in my goals . 

If you are down I encourage you to keep the faith and take heart . Do not lose hope or love . Things will work out in the end . 

Dear God

Dear God

As I face my day in sadness I know that my hope in you will sustain my bravery . I know in my heart you will restore me and my loves relationship in time . I just know in my heart . You’ve shown me to many things . I know I have to handle things with grace and forgiveness even when I’m angry and confused . And I know right now I am in turmoil as I walk in this desert I have to trust all our lives and hearts with you and as a soldier I am worn and sad and broken hearted . But in you I am strong I have come so far to far to go back now . All I can do is pray that you take care of all of us right now and we all hear your voice and you may lead us through this dark world . I know I will meet my love again and when we do we won’t have to say good bye . In you God love and restoration will bring peace again to a devastating and broken city we called home .

Lord I walk in your strength to try to breathe today and to not cry but to smile in my faith in you that my future is my hope in you . Let us face this day in bravery forgiveness and love . Forgive me for my sadness and worry .

It’s been a Great War .


- Amy

Coma

I have these lucid dreams where I can't move a thing
Thinking of you in my bed
You were my everything
Thoughts of a wedding ring
Now I'm just better off dead (coughs)
I'll do it over again
I didn't want it to end
I watch it blow in the wind
I should've listened to my friends
Did this shit in the past
But I want it to last
You were made outta plastic (fake)
I was tangled up in your drastic ways
Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face
You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes
I gave you my heart and you made heart break - Lucid Dreams

I’m in a coma
No one can wake me
I waited for my prince
In the end he wasn’t so charming

It was just one kiss
As you begged me to wait
You said I was your forever
And now you said I was a mistake

I’m left here I’m not breathing
It’s an entirety
Of a world that was you
And me .

How could you forget
That you cried
And let me go in a letter and a stamp

There’s no words
As I lie here in bed
My mask is off
You say your sorry
As you let me go .

loss

It’s 9:30 pm not like any other night I suppose . It’s my day off and this could be a bench mark . As for goals I’m crushing those . If I look back from this time last year to now I’m a completely different person in a different place . I made it through a Great War . This is no joke . Last year I had no job I lost everything . I had a few months between jobs and I was in a severe depression I had great credit and things were good and then I lost everything . Even my car , my credit . I thought then why God was letting me go through such dark times . I was unhappy so unhappy .

I never gave up I kept going . I kept going through a terrible break up , I kept going through having no money . To now I lost everything . Here I am .

Crushing every goal . I’m thinner then I’ve been in 10 years . I love my new job , and things are going well .Its funny how we build our lives with our partner going through good and bad together , you know it’s going to last forever you build dreams together , then in an instant it’s gone .

I’m in such a fog I can’t see the fact that I’ve climbed Mount Everest I made it to the top and I’m brave . I’m strong and I did it . But I’m alone . With out you it’s not the same . I am left questioning everything . I can’t let go yet it hurts to much . Maybe it’s something I’ll always hold on to I don’t know . All I know is I’m on the mountain. I can’t stop moving forward I have to keep going . If someone does not value who I was to them , I have to keep moving somehow even if I’m crying even if I do it screaming .

Because you can’t control how others feel . You can only control what I can do
I don’t want to be that person I was last year .

This is the new me . If you don’t love me your loss . Even though it hurts like hell

Speak No Evil - Hear No Evil - See No Evil

Empathy is tricky sometimes isn’t it ? I always try first to see others actions from where they are at personally in there life . When you don’t we miss the big picture . Maybe it does not matter to some people but it’s huge in human connection . If you let me take a moment I’ll explain . It’s currently 10 pm . I just got home from work and I was reminded today of this subject by something that happened - I promised myself I would go running after work so I’ll make it as brief as I can .

Have you ever met someone at work or in a social setting you knew you hated , they just got under your skin in every way ? This happens to me I always tell myself I know they will end up being my closest friend . Why ? Seems crazy right ? Because typically I go out of my way to know this person .

Did you know that when you don’t like someone off the bat for weird unknown reasons it’s typically because they represent the parts you don’t like about yourself ? I went to an amazing life course seminar , Bill Gates sends his very own best too . I learned the people we tend to stay away from are typically the most like us . Interesting right ? I went to college to get my PHD in psychology I find it fascinating , I need to go back and finish .

The biggest part to this is , when it’s vice versa. There’s always that person spreading gossip at work trying to hurt people . Always right ? We want to be mad at them right ? I typically ignore these people , why ? Because this is where empathy comes in . People who spend a lot of time gossiping or hurting other people are typically hurting themselves . Have you ever met a happy secure person who gossips and is negative ???

I’m guessing no . We can’t control others . Why would we want to . But we can control how we view others and how we respond .

So A . We love our enemies - maybe even help them
B. We just stay clear and stay positive .

I’m telling you , this is 100 % true . Don’t take things personally .
Keep your chin up !

- Amy

Collateral Beauty - I get it

Did you see the movie Collateral Beauty ? I did last year and it didn’t make much sense to me until this year . It hit me like a pound of bricks as I was driving one day through Hemet as a short cut to get to a prayer meeting I go to every week , I saw him a man my age quite attractive talking to himself on the side of the rode . He was clearly homeless and on drugs . I thought to myself how sad he is someone’s son , maybe a dad or a husband . Here he is lost . I began to cry .

Collateral Beautyis the ripples we are left with after a great tragedy .We see the very fabric of life instead of drive by it . We feel it . I myself went through some astounding tragedies a big one just the past few months - past year . I realize I slotted every bad thing away like a notecard and now each one pops up I’m left to read them every day .

I know what addiction does to families . I know what pain is and abandonment , I know what it means to invest everything you are and to be taken to hell instead of the dreams you built together .

In the great tragedy we feel every breath we breathe because the pain is so great , there is a bond to eveything around us to heal and to love so we may find healing and love . It’s the worst place to be in this kind of pain is unlike anything you would even wish on an enemy but you view the world differently and you see the beauty in the ashes . To me this is a gift . It takes a special person to love the broken . To see things with out judgement to see beyond the eyes of a lost crowd . You see it with the humility of your own pain .

Maybe I’ll learn to guard my heart better . Not let someone take it and burn it to the ground with absolutely no regard . Maybe I’ll learn to demand respect and take nothing less . Learn to not let someone abuse me like a throw away doll after I gave my world . I’m sure there is a better way .

But there is collateral beauty . We just have to look for it . Reach out to the hurting and to the broken
If your uninspired then inspire someone . If your sad , serve people .

I don’t know what all I needed to say except the love you give to others is the love you keep . Not the other way around .

Becareful who you give your heart too .

Conclusion

I’m cut in half 

Trying to breathe 

Alone in this world 

Where you promised forever 

The pain is hot metal to the skin 

To drowned in our dreams 

And it’s silent 

I try to let it go 

It’s like ripping out my bones 

But I have come to the conclusion 

You didn’t love me 

And I’m branded by wounds 

I walk In the night 

Asking myself how it went wrong 

What I did to make you leave 

It’s ruthless the way my heart hurts 

There is nothing I can do 

You left me here alone . 

I don’t know the truth 

I don’t know what your love meant 

And I’m lost in a crowd for a while 

They tell me not to cry 

But this is my reality 

As the weeks come and go 

And you are no where to be found 

Taking A Break

The big break . 

Right now I’m not in a good place . My life is in a good place but mentally I’m not . I’m learning to give things to God but also I’m realizing this isn’t helping with my pain or answers I don’t have . 

I know I need to find joy in God because he is in control . This is the part I need to work on . Even though people go with no answers and we’re left confused and hurting , I have to trust in God’s plan . I’m not doing very good at this I’m still crying every day . 

Maybe when you love someone that’s normal . It’s normal just to simply love 

Either way I’m taking a break from writing and social media for a while . 

To try to find my way out of this dark grieving hole . Find any light . 

When it’s to Rough

It’s Saturday . I just got home from work and it’s 10 pm no call today no letter . With each passing day it only gets harder . The only saving grace I have is putting my trust in God for the outcome . If I didn’t have this in God I would be such a mess I don’t think I could work . Taking it day by day seems like I’m just learning to breathe each day . Today at work I broke my tooth on wall art . I was told by a supervisor I shouldn’t tell my goals it may offend people . I said I shouldn’t be hungry to sell to want more ? I’m a single mom . He said you don’t look humble . What does striving to do your job have to do with humility ? Best part is I’m the most humble person on earth . Do they know I turn in change just to buy food because I have to get ahead . I have no cash . If I don’t work hard I don’t survive .   Man the haters . Not to mention every time I sell something I give God the glory never myself . As you can see today was frustrating . None of it has to do with Gods blessings they can’t stop his will for my life . Good thing I inspire myself .


I see couples come in all day , it ruins my day . I just miss him so much it kills me inside and I imagine I have to accept this pain . I can’t change it all I can do is pray and trust in God

I’m home alone it’s late and my mouth hurts . No one can make me give up . It’s just like my diet everyone gives me a hard time for eating healthy .

Doesn’t anyone have goals ? Man nothing can stop me .
I might just might cry myself to sleep tonight missing him so much but I know we’re both in Gods hands right now .

Chin up Amy .

Your doing great !

- Me