Apology

The apology I’ll never get I wish I got every word .

Dear J

What happens when it’s raining inside . 

Who have I become 

It’s the thoughts that run about 

The thoughtless . 

How far are we away from home 

When everyone seems like strangers 

Maybe I can’t sleep with out you 

As I watched you forget me . 

As you lost my hand 

In the crowd . 

As the night becomes day 

I’m alright I say . 

Just one last breath 

My heart will never beat 

The same way . 

It’s half past midnight 

I listen to our song play . 

I’m just another meaningless person 

And you are the ghost that haunts my days 

Someone save me . 

It’s raining on the inside 

Make no mistake 

I’ll make the world believe the sun is shining 

This is my greatest gift 

As I’m dying . 

As you lost my fingers in the crowd 

As night once again becomes day 

I tell myself I’m ok . 

As I drift away 

I drift away 

It’s half past midnight 

Our song plays 

I’m just a meaningless person 

And you are my today 

My yesterday 

My ghost . 

Someone please save me 

It’s raining in here . 

- Amy Everett

Drives

Its the rim of your hat 
On a sunny day 
Imagine your smile 
I never loved anyone more . 
I still cry just thinking of you 

I can’t imagine 
The way you lied to me 
Put me in a coffin
Tucked me away . 
Like nothing ever happened . 

Its unimaginable 
You were the love of my life 
Frozen back in time 
The way we held hands 
Like nothing could ever tear this thing apart . 
I believed that . 

I sit here writing this in a parking lot alone 
Maybe somethings we just don’t understand 

Maybe one day the pain will lessen 

My Life

At 40 my life is so boring because I’m working my ass off to become what I’ve always dreamed of becoming. I don’t get to sit at home and be lazy and not work but that’s never been me. I strive to be my very best all the time. I work 14 hour days I go to the gym on my lunch I walk all day I work hard I’m to tired to go out and any extra time I have is to be with my daughter . There is no white horse to come save me I have to do it myself . Unfortunately I’m single and the one I loved didn’t work out so my blinders are on and I’m focused . I’m pretty blessed though through all the pain every single person around me I’m touched with love and friendship and that is a blessing . I see God working through my hard days I just pray there not always so hard always bad luck. I hurt so much inside but I spend so much time in prayer . I know I’ve come through the desert . I’m tired of friends trying to set me up I know they have good intentions but I’m emotionally just done I’m so heart broken I am just waiting on God for this time of healing and restoration amen .

The world is a cold place . People are aweful for no reason they have no God because God is love . If someone does not treat you with love they are not with God period .

Sometimes with my heart issues I think how long do I even have to live I cherish my daughter every moment .

Gotta love big while we’re here . Ignore the crazy people there not worth it . People are sad and jealous . Pray for them . All we can do is have faith and keep moving forward .

Valentines

Since google is deleting all blog post on April 4th I’ll write until my blog is gone as well as everyone else with a blog . Valentines Day was never anything important to me any year I believe you should always be loving every day . It’s a gimmick we all know this . I think the part I hate is my loving friends with good intentions feel bad I’m single . I’m here to say it’s my choice trust me I need to be healing and it’s really not Gods timing right now. Last Valentines my love now ex love just completed a stint in rehab and he dropped of roses from a near by gas station I’m no snob trust me but I just knew something was wrong . Indeed he was using again and I knew him pretty well let’s just say I spent my Valentines alone in tears . I realize at 40 I made my own mistakes but I also need to heal from them . We don’t know all the time who we are going to love or the issues they will have but now I know what I need to heal in me . I definitely would love to be married and I have a sadness when I see couples shopping every day at work but it’s not my time and I’m very ok with that

I’m waiting on God. So for anyone alone on Valentines chin up .

I’m Not The Only One

I think about him every day. Did he just take advantage of me? He had to of.No one uses and lies to someone to such a degree with no remorse it’s not humanly possible then comes and goes with no conscience it’s almost a level or crazy. I loved the version of this person I thought was real but he sold me some lie . If it was real he would’ve got help but he didn’t . He abused me he knew I loved him more then life he never even apologized . Me a normal loving human can’t rationalize the thought process of a sick person I try every damn day to let it go I have to . I pray to . I think there is a healing process when you go through this process with an addict of such magnitude I never want anyone to come close to my heart ever again . I hide away my pain . I pray constantly . Maybe one day I’ll be in a place to help others but I am blessed to where even in sorrow I’ve found joy in daily things . In time maybe I’ll get Amy back . I think of him we had so many times together maybe those moments were real . Now there dead . But I’m just having faith for my future . Right now I’m just doing things that don’t necessarily use the heart like work hard at my job or my diet . But healing is something people need to take the time to do . Find the anchor in Christ . Not around your neck .

It’s friday night I need to go to the gym . Accomplish more goals !!! And remember I’m not alone

Love ❤️

It’s kind of crazy my blog is being erased I need to find away to update or back up all my stuff the past ten years but thank you to everyone who has followed me and supported me 30k readers. I’m working in San Marcos now I love love it . God has really stuck to his promises and I’m sticking with him healing from a bad break up a lost love and centering my life on Christ and my daughter at this point God tells me bits of where my future is going and then I see it happening but the rest is blind faith . It’s not always easy but God is my father he guides me through this journey let’s see what 2019 has I need rest for sure and Gods love .