Hallways

It was the last glance in the hallway 

The one where you caught me mid moonlight . As lungs crashing lungs 

Torn apart by circumstance as you fell asleep in my arms . 

Nightmares live here under my sheets 

It’s the way we walked the streets 

I can’t bear and grin it much longer 

As we wrote this story 

All I can do now is scream 

What is meant to be 

It’s like cane and able blood on the walls - 

Fingers hanging by my side 

Left alone to survive 

With out you here . 

It was that night in the hall 

Where I died in your arms 

Now I’m here 

Your so far . 

Left in the crowd alone . 

I can’t find you . 

I can’t find you . 

Walking On Water

It’s Monday morning , I been thinking this whole week about this blog topic .

I really need to share this with you . 

Recently very recently about a month ago I found myself driving in my car , tears streaming down my face wondering how was I going to make it another day . There was not an ounce of light in the dark world I was in and nothing could make it better . I knew there were others out there like me but who were they . Hiding behind false smiles in large crowds . That was me as well . I realized this is how suicide happens . Your so alone in a world where you been betrayed and with held from all love . Your a walking dead person . 

No one knew I held my sadness in . No one knew what I had gone through . This war. This Great War . I was deposited back into life by the gutter of this world . I knew I didn’t deserve that . 

So here I am today . I’ll tell you the answer to finding the light to whatever war you are in . Waking through fire or sinking in sand I found the answer . 

As I looked ahead at my sorrow and prayed for help I knew I just needed to look to God . But it was not taking the pain away . I was still drowning . I begged God , how ? 

First he said look at me . 

It didn’t make sense at first . Because I thought I was . But my focus was on the storm and how it was destroying me . 

I turned my focus to God for him to have the storm and I simply walked away from it . 

Burdens I’m not intended to bear . God is now driving this car . What’s intended for me will be Gods purpose and faith and trust walk in . 

Next this is a big one . Forgiveness - 

This concept was hard for me . To see people from Gods eyes not ours . So I had to forgive . Wow it’s getting easier already . 

Next - love . Love covers a multitude of sins right ? Love . With Gods love . Not yours . 

Do I still cry in my car , sure . But it’s grief . And I’m ok . There’s a peace in the storm . My boat is no longer sinking 

And I’m in God’s command . 

Dismembered

It’s the missing step in the marching band 

It’s the train wrecked 

Pick up the pieces any way screaming

Even if the music is bending 

There’s a ghost it follows me 

I’m just the leader falling into this hole 

Save me now 

But you are the shadow . 

I put on my cape 

Walk through the snow 

I refuse to die here 

In your cold 

It’s a silent war 

Darkening my eyes in this hallway 

Where there is no light anymore 

It’s sudden I know 

The way life ends 

Holding on to empty picture frames 

Is what we did best . 

You made a mess 

You made a mess of me . 

I put my cape on 

False smiles 

Handed by strangers 

And I can’t 

As the band plays on 

Pick up the wreckage as I scream 

I refuse to die 

Here 

Condemnation

With every breath we die - Breaking Benjamin 

It’s the anchor tied to your wrist carrying you to the darkest shadows of the sea . 

Where agony lives . And the waves above you carry light . 

To tired to fight 

To tired to drowned . 

It’s a wasteland 

Beating down hopes door 

Begging for someone to be home 

I’m screaming under street lights 

Floating ashore 

Heart barely beating under sheets of glass . 

Lost compass . 

Sometimes the storm 

Washes us to new places 

Sometimes the storm 

Reminds us 

We are an army 

We have our swords 

We were not forgotten 

As I search for you on the shore . 

Barely breathing 

He said . 

Barely living 

He said . 

I found your letter in the bottle 

Carry it in my pocket 

Along with this necklace . 

I haven’t drowned yet . 

As they ready for my funeral 

The dawn breaks 

Anchor lost beneath 

The ocean . 

The List

I can’t shake the pain I’m in . I pray I read but no matter what it’s there . I try to read bible verses . So I tried to make a list of things that make me happy . I’m not sure if this will help at all but maybe thinking of happy things could help . What helps you when you are dying inside ? 

Here’s my list of happy things 

1. God 

2. Ocean 

3. Loving friends

4. Kids 

5. Bookstores 

6. Sea port village 

7. Hugs 

8. Reading 

9. Music 

10. My salvation 

11. Health 

12. The fact I feel pain I’m not numb 

Homeless

I’m troubled and tied to everything 

We were lost some where in the sunset 

Aching in the sunrise . 

What happens when you lose home 

And it’s only raining inside . 

What happens when your smile fades 

Into the past 

Where I can’t reach it . 

My heart and my brain 

Like David and Goliath 

So far I’m the stone running away . 

Embrace me today . 

As we lost yesterday . 

And now I have no home . 

Did you remember that night 

Sitting in the sand creating memories to last . 

And I’m wading through the storm 

Lost . In letters and nightmares pinned on chalk boards 

Listed one by one 

Selling forgiveness until I can’t cry anymore 

And I see your name in the mirror 

I am the stone aren’t I . 

In this war . 

And I needed you here . 

Remember that night 

When you grabbed my fingers 

Said you were never letting me go . 

Letters come in the mail . 

No ones home . 

I sing this song 

Can you hear it when your alone in your bed . 

Can you feel the absence of me . 

I walk the streets now homeless 

The numbers now faded 

My heart - my brain 

Like David and Goliath 

And I’m the stone 

Running from the pain . 

I can’t make it alright 

Selling forgiveness 

Because I can’t reach you . 

Can you hear me 

Screaming 

As I sing you this song . 

We were lost somewhere in the sunrise

Aching in the sunset . 

Marksman

I’m the mark and the marksman 

I’m the storm and the victim . 

I’m the leader and I’m falling . 

Into your transgression . 

There’s a light seeping through 

This darkness 

I feel the harness unchained 

And reminisced 

As I drowned and find new life 

In the mourning I search for answers 

Mascara covers my face 

My heart beats under wet fingers 

Clutching onto yesterday 

And setting it on fire . 

It’s the drive 

It’s the night under the stars 

It’s the gun to my head 

It’s the trigger you pulled 

It’s the notes left under my blankets 

It’s the power I’m taking back . 

Some Serious Stuff

It’s weird you know how we all try to be so perfect yet we are linked together in special friendships due to imperfections . We are human . It’s ok. I’ve found myself in the deepest pain I could ever imagine . Giving everything to someone then they betray you like you meant nothing at all . Like everything you ever did was for nothing   I feel sick inside . You know the movie collateral beauty that movie makes sense  through this event I’ve connected with people on deep levels and have new found friends who are there for me . Thank you for that . To try to be perfect for an abusuve individual and then have them toss you aside is heartless . It’s not the abuse or the person right it’s the fact you hold up hope to there false promises , for them to not care in the end is devastating . It’s like investing a million dollars and losing it all .

I love the fabric of life and how when I don’t want to go on living my connections through loved ones have become the veins that pump blood into a broken heart . I also thank God for saving me from this situation . I want to be brave in my present brokenness and say you are beautiful imperfect . And don’t settle for anyone who abuses you . It’s just broken my heart to dust

I promise I’m telling the truth . They don’t deserve you .