Hospital

It started a week ago. I noticed my heart wasn’t recovering after my runs as usual, my heart wasn’t feeling well I wasn’t sleeping, My heart hadn’t been giving me to bad of issues like this in a while, What was going on I thought. I started drinking more water, today I wasn’t feeling good still I only ran half my normal time. I took my heart medicine to keep my heart rate stable, this always does the trick, things have been stressful this week I’m close to getting In the million dollar club at work and I’m relying on a busy Black Friday weekend to get me there. I had to sell my 800 dollar Tiffany ring to a man online for a 100 bucks to pay bills things have been hard so getting sales will get us back on top. When I sold the ring I was Leary I sent it with proof of signature to avoid scam. The man still claimed the ring was not there this was yesterday. Then tonight my daughter called crying homesick she’s on vacation in Colorado with her dad. Her dad text me that he saw what was really going on? Like that made sense she’s a sad homesick girl. He’s harassing me because she wants to be home:

More stress. As the stress piles on this was the first thanksgiving with out Jerry. My ex. Even though I did the very best thing having him out of my life you know it’s still hard.

So here we are 1 am I wake up to severe chest pain and a heart rate of 158. Am I going to die I thought. Why are people so evil I thought as I waited for the ambulance. I do the right thing every day but that will never stop bad from happening right.

Then as I waited I honestly thought I might die my chest hurt so bad I remembered God told me last week in prayer to not be afraid that he was with me, as the ambulance arrived they checked my heart found something wrong I forget the term it was pouring rain they rushed to me to the hospital and gave me medicine,

As I sat in the hospital the doctor asked do you have stress? How could I answer that? I’m like nah just regular stress. They saw my heart issues but it was not a heart attack thank God because I need to work Black Friday in 4 hours.

So here I am writing this blog. Thankful to be alive. And to say love each other today life is rough.

2019

It’s 11 pm. I just got home and I want to go running but it’s very cold outside.Ive become an introvert in my healing phase I’m ok with that. I’m definitely not an introvert. I’ve just come out of the hardest 2 years of my life. My focus is God, work , my kids and my job. In recreating a new me I’ve realized I crave authenticity. I hate bullshit talk that’s shallow and means nothing, I’d rather be at the gym with my head phones on or with my daughter. My list of friends are quite small but I can count on them and they are my family. Sadly my own brother and sister never call to see how I am. My brother never has once in the entirety of his life. I’m learning at 41 what love means.  I’m transparent we live once I hate politics it breeds fake people I either like someone or I don’t it’s pretty simple. I appreciate the kind people at my job sales is a harsh environment but it should be more dynamic.

I like my job, I love my boss he’s a cool person and outside of all this im lost. What’s next for me at 41. I’m single and alone. Will I ever find someone? I don’t date. Where will my future go.ive lived through great trauma. Now I want to make real memories.

I’m stronger then I ever have been. More focused more determined. What will 2020 be like.

Rise

Rise 

If I’m the lesson what is there left to learn 

Of ashes burning and miles of grave stones 

I hold my hand across my heart 

On every promise broken 

As I feel the wind on my face 

I look to today to create everything 

That’s been destroyed 

I stand in the ocean 

Couldn’t you 

Didn’t you 

Know . 

I haven’t given up yet 

Even when I lost it all 

Got nothin left but my sword 

It’s a new day 

Have faith he says . 

You stand in the fire but you are not alone 

Our enemy has spoken 

But we will gain back what was stolen 

We will rise like the wings of eagles 

So here we are making a new day 

Out of ashes . 

So who are you to say we can’t win 

As we rise again . -Amy Everett

Faith

If we have faith then God will bless us. I have faith God will bless me in my job and my finances I have faith God will find favor with my management team even though people lie, cheat and steal. I have faith God will send me a husband one day even though right now he’s calling me to be single I have faith I’ll get to be married in a forest I have faith he will love Jesus he will have to be very special . Only God can bring this person, I have faith in waiting on my blessings I have faith in my healing . I have faith in God handling my enemies and my ex and his healing. I have faith so I may live in freedom .

I have faith that soon me and Raigan can live on our own. I have faith for strength to hit my goals in the gym and at work .

I pray for new joy .

Burdens

Things are getting better, not really in the physical world just my internal one. But isn’t that what’s important. Ever since God spoke to us at David’s Tent , My mind has found peace. My hope was wrapped up in my ex, I lived my life thinking and praying he would get better and come back I was paralyzed in it. My hope was in a human one that wasn’t even loving me back, I learned my hope needed to be in God. God is not a rollercoaster of destruction he is a rock of love always teaching me to have faith. I had to let everything go and focus my eyes on God. Now I’m beginning to find joy in the present moment learning to not be numb to daily freedoms of just holding my daughters hand,

God is filling the emptiness because he’s in control not me, I can’t change my world but I can trust God with it. The burdens weren’t meant to be mine,

Isn’t It Crazy

November .

This year has come to an end fast with bad luck, heart break like no other 2019 has been a growth year and a big learning curve. If I had advice for my younger self it would be not to waste time on anyone who didn’t make you important. Don’t waste time with people you invest your all in and they throw it away quickly. Also believe in yourself when your doing your best that’s when people will put you down or tear you apart ( don’t give up ) Its 4 am I can’t sleep. God has healed me this year in places I didn’t know were so broken. I also learned people some people are crazy, or they will hurt the innocent you, just move on even if they blame you ignore them. It’s not you there are plenty of people who just are nuts. Keep your head held high even when people judge you and it’s baseless. Keep moving forward.

You know who you are. Life is a cold place but God is there to rescue. To fight for you. Don’t lose heart.