Love

God calls us to be Christ like, God is love imagine if we treated everyone with love. It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep because I’m so angry at the way a certain person has treated me in such disregard but yet they claim they love me. But there words do not match there actions. God states exactly what love is and who we should be in Christ. This person obviously is lying and is out for personal gain. So what is one to do? We are called to love no matter what but definitely walk away. The Bible if you read it will help you weed out the counterfeit people in your life but most importantly it teaches us how to not be counterfeit to others . To give love to love others more then ourselves. To seek God first not man or money or anything else . Today is Gods birthday so let’s give love today and also love yourself by not letting the counterfeit break who you are in the Lord . You are valuable and worthy

Amen

Un noticed

It’s almost 2020 and this morning I found my goals from last year for 2019, I text them to myself I never realized it. I accomplished almost every single one the funny thing is I don’t feel like it the year has been rough like sand paper and hard and heavy but at the same time I’ve moved forward and I’ve worked hard and I’ve done a lot of healing. It’s me and Raigan together and a lot of Jesus so here we are 2020. I have a trainer I been working out twice a day although I missed 10 days to this flu but I’ll start back Monday. I have so much faith now and I’m so close to my kids. Now it’s up to God where we go next.

I would love just 2 things I pray for but I have to really thank god for saving me through the worst hardest times of my life . I’m so glad I have my daughter to love, I don’t know what 2020 will bring but I do know I have a new strength and an unshakeable faith in God. No one can take that away

Hospital

It started a week ago. I noticed my heart wasn’t recovering after my runs as usual, my heart wasn’t feeling well I wasn’t sleeping, My heart hadn’t been giving me to bad of issues like this in a while, What was going on I thought. I started drinking more water, today I wasn’t feeling good still I only ran half my normal time. I took my heart medicine to keep my heart rate stable, this always does the trick, things have been stressful this week I’m close to getting In the million dollar club at work and I’m relying on a busy Black Friday weekend to get me there. I had to sell my 800 dollar Tiffany ring to a man online for a 100 bucks to pay bills things have been hard so getting sales will get us back on top. When I sold the ring I was Leary I sent it with proof of signature to avoid scam. The man still claimed the ring was not there this was yesterday. Then tonight my daughter called crying homesick she’s on vacation in Colorado with her dad. Her dad text me that he saw what was really going on? Like that made sense she’s a sad homesick girl. He’s harassing me because she wants to be home:

More stress. As the stress piles on this was the first thanksgiving with out Jerry. My ex. Even though I did the very best thing having him out of my life you know it’s still hard.

So here we are 1 am I wake up to severe chest pain and a heart rate of 158. Am I going to die I thought. Why are people so evil I thought as I waited for the ambulance. I do the right thing every day but that will never stop bad from happening right.

Then as I waited I honestly thought I might die my chest hurt so bad I remembered God told me last week in prayer to not be afraid that he was with me, as the ambulance arrived they checked my heart found something wrong I forget the term it was pouring rain they rushed to me to the hospital and gave me medicine,

As I sat in the hospital the doctor asked do you have stress? How could I answer that? I’m like nah just regular stress. They saw my heart issues but it was not a heart attack thank God because I need to work Black Friday in 4 hours.

So here I am writing this blog. Thankful to be alive. And to say love each other today life is rough.

2019

It’s 11 pm. I just got home and I want to go running but it’s very cold outside.Ive become an introvert in my healing phase I’m ok with that. I’m definitely not an introvert. I’ve just come out of the hardest 2 years of my life. My focus is God, work , my kids and my job. In recreating a new me I’ve realized I crave authenticity. I hate bullshit talk that’s shallow and means nothing, I’d rather be at the gym with my head phones on or with my daughter. My list of friends are quite small but I can count on them and they are my family. Sadly my own brother and sister never call to see how I am. My brother never has once in the entirety of his life. I’m learning at 41 what love means.  I’m transparent we live once I hate politics it breeds fake people I either like someone or I don’t it’s pretty simple. I appreciate the kind people at my job sales is a harsh environment but it should be more dynamic.

I like my job, I love my boss he’s a cool person and outside of all this im lost. What’s next for me at 41. I’m single and alone. Will I ever find someone? I don’t date. Where will my future go.ive lived through great trauma. Now I want to make real memories.

I’m stronger then I ever have been. More focused more determined. What will 2020 be like.

Rise

Rise 

If I’m the lesson what is there left to learn 

Of ashes burning and miles of grave stones 

I hold my hand across my heart 

On every promise broken 

As I feel the wind on my face 

I look to today to create everything 

That’s been destroyed 

I stand in the ocean 

Couldn’t you 

Didn’t you 

Know . 

I haven’t given up yet 

Even when I lost it all 

Got nothin left but my sword 

It’s a new day 

Have faith he says . 

You stand in the fire but you are not alone 

Our enemy has spoken 

But we will gain back what was stolen 

We will rise like the wings of eagles 

So here we are making a new day 

Out of ashes . 

So who are you to say we can’t win 

As we rise again . -Amy Everett

Faith

If we have faith then God will bless us. I have faith God will bless me in my job and my finances I have faith God will find favor with my management team even though people lie, cheat and steal. I have faith God will send me a husband one day even though right now he’s calling me to be single I have faith I’ll get to be married in a forest I have faith he will love Jesus he will have to be very special . Only God can bring this person, I have faith in waiting on my blessings I have faith in my healing . I have faith in God handling my enemies and my ex and his healing. I have faith so I may live in freedom .

I have faith that soon me and Raigan can live on our own. I have faith for strength to hit my goals in the gym and at work .

I pray for new joy .

Burdens

Things are getting better, not really in the physical world just my internal one. But isn’t that what’s important. Ever since God spoke to us at David’s Tent , My mind has found peace. My hope was wrapped up in my ex, I lived my life thinking and praying he would get better and come back I was paralyzed in it. My hope was in a human one that wasn’t even loving me back, I learned my hope needed to be in God. God is not a rollercoaster of destruction he is a rock of love always teaching me to have faith. I had to let everything go and focus my eyes on God. Now I’m beginning to find joy in the present moment learning to not be numb to daily freedoms of just holding my daughters hand,

God is filling the emptiness because he’s in control not me, I can’t change my world but I can trust God with it. The burdens weren’t meant to be mine,

Isn’t It Crazy

November .

This year has come to an end fast with bad luck, heart break like no other 2019 has been a growth year and a big learning curve. If I had advice for my younger self it would be not to waste time on anyone who didn’t make you important. Don’t waste time with people you invest your all in and they throw it away quickly. Also believe in yourself when your doing your best that’s when people will put you down or tear you apart ( don’t give up ) Its 4 am I can’t sleep. God has healed me this year in places I didn’t know were so broken. I also learned people some people are crazy, or they will hurt the innocent you, just move on even if they blame you ignore them. It’s not you there are plenty of people who just are nuts. Keep your head held high even when people judge you and it’s baseless. Keep moving forward.

You know who you are. Life is a cold place but God is there to rescue. To fight for you. Don’t lose heart.

David’s Tent - God Came

I want to tell you about David’s Tent so maybe if you read this you will go. They started in the UK as a few people on a mission to get people to Christ . It’s 72 hours of worship that’s grown to thousands
God was calling me to go with Raigan . I thought maybe I could be used their for his purpose I wasn’t sure but I had to be obedient.

The past few months have been rough at work in July I had one of my best months yet but the months that followed were my worst . Here I was one of the top salesman looking at how to sign up at food banks , I wondered how God let us fall so far. It’s never been like this. No food for days, can’t pay my phone my car I begged God why?Where was he?We were alone .

Not to mention my ex boyfriend who I been religiously praying for who is an addict that God may heal him ( I sincerely ) believed with all my heart this would happen , I got a message from him Sunday night that answered my confusion once and for all.This person is not with God I need to let him go.

He hurt me over and over all I did was love,pray and wait . I got paid Thursday morning with not enough money to pay my bills I bought the tickets to David’s Tent. I knew we needed more of Jesus so we went.Me and Raigan in tow.

As we arrived it was so pretty in Del Mar about a thousand people worshiping Jesus was awesome to see my 8 year old daughter worshiping  God just melted my heart . As we sang I wondered what and why God called us here .

Raigan began to grow tired,it was late she wanted to go home but I knew we couldn’t leave yet
One of our favorite songs came on ( what a beautiful name ) Raigan asked if we could go up front to sing. I was so glad I didn’t want to go I was waiting on God I knew something was to happen .

As we sang our hearts out to God a few more songs were played and Raigan was ready to leave.
As we made our way out of the crowd 2 girls followed us and said Jesus had a word for Raigan . I thought yes!This was it!She kneeled in front of Raigan : I don’t remember the word exactly how it was said but she told Raigan she was made to be a leader she was brave and had courage and God was going to use her to fight with him and she was to be by his side to help people come to Christ and the adventure was starting now . She was going to start hearing his voice and she felt left out at school they told her not to feel that way because God made her apart and a leader for a reason and God dances with her in the fields . She was a warrior and God has gone before her to fight her battles and to not be afraid and God will bless her dreams .

Then she told me that she knew I was in mourning ( my ex ) and that God knew I have had disappointment after disappointment since I was a child but I have forged my own way through with Christ and when I look back thousands will follow because of my testimony and my example has made raigan the leader in Christ she is and will be . She said God is going to fill my emptiness with joy and I’ll be able to dance over my disappointments and all my prayers God will answer with a yes

Me and raigan were both crying our eyes out.
They said my testimony was so powerful . I thank God for being on time for us . God is so good everything happens for a reason . If your struggling God hears you . Just pray have faith . They told Raigan to write her word in a journal she did and carried to school it is the cutest thing .

 Now I pray for business at work pray God will bless us in this time . Thank you for reading

Listen up

Bad things happen in life that destroy you 

People you gave your life and heart to will break you in ways you will never recover from 

You will be put in situations you never thought you would survive . 

Here I am in the storm . 

A big f&@$ storm 

I’m not the victim 

I’m bigger then this . 

All though I may have 

Broke . 

All though I may be in a dark place 

I know I’m a survivor . 

And all they are - are giants we are David’s 

Our help comes from God . 

Results

Road is covered in fog 

My hands bound to memories 

The kind that survived the war . 

No one is listening 

They make up there own memoirs 

About me . 

I tell you to your face with mine red 

Lips displaced 

I’m a survivor not a victim 

I’m not second best . 

We don’t have rules here 

But as the sun grows tired 

I’m reminded of just who I am . 

Why can’t you see it for yourself 

I said . 

The crowd ( jokers ) 

I rest my hand on my chin . 

King me please she said . 

No one listens again 

As I stand here alone . 

I’m ok with that 

Prayer List

Every day I have the same things I pray for . It’s an easy list most things have not come to pass maybe it’s in Gods timing or maybe God is saying no . I’ve learned in my prayers to leave them at just that. And cast all my cares upon God . So this is my new practice. Like will he come home and get better or will I get my own home ? Can me and Raigan find our way to San Diego ?

I leave my prayer list to him . But I used to worry about those prayers not coming true now I just pray and trust God will handle things as he sees best . This has made room for a little peace and joy instead of inner term oil. But what is this waiting period for . Healing ? Surrender ?

I don’t know what the bigger picture is , but things have changed so drastically in a year God has completely changed my entire heart like I have a whole new one

I’m not ashamed of 2019 was an immense year of growth , learning and healing. 2020 is coming I want to be a wife and a have a home . If that happens it will be a miracle because I’m called to be alone right now and be still . So here I am God giving you my all . Xoxo

Fossils

I don’t want to stay here 

I move forward in quicksand 

I’m tired and it’s hot outside 

Do you ever find yourself here 

I try to detach . Then your there 

In the parking lot , in the crowd 

In traffic . 

I see you in the window as I walk at night 

I feel like leaving but no matter what 

I’m there 

And so are you . 

Am I capable of ever not loving 

You . 

I live with this ghost 

It’s like the arrow of Cupid 

Took his last turn so here I am 

His last student 

Failing . As I sit here alone in the rain . 

Fuck this . 

There are no answers are there . 

I’m not even quite sure maybe I’m peter 

Peter Pan . 

I’m not capable of loving again . 

I wish I could be addicted to something 

Else besides 

Missing 

You . 

I lay here quietly 

Letting it all take me 

Watching the clock 

Wondering . 

How it got this way . 

Bucket List

Before I die I must accomplish


1. Getting married in Yosemite
2. Actually getting proposed to for first time
3.having house by ocean
4. Retiring in a forest
5. Going to England
6. Being super successful at a business
7. Doing mission trips

This is the most important things to do before I die .

The Blessing

I realize that the closer we get to God the more the enemy ( Satan ) will come after us. I noticed as I get closer to God closer to my blessings the armies have come in strides. I let it get me down last month . People stealing sales , no sales , it’s been rough not to mention all the other bad stuff has been crazy . The luck is so bad it’s become a known thing like wide spread . The enemy is out . It’s funny you know I’ve been through it , but I’ve never been closer to God then I am now . God called me to help save thousands my mentor said . How I asked God . This has been my focus . I remembered praying for my ex a year ago and God told me he needed to heal him and I needed God to let him do that he also told me to be prepared to be a missionary . A year later my mentor gave me the same word from God in prayer . She said thousands of people . I’m going to David’s Tent in Del Mar October 10. It’s 3 days of worship and it’s supposed to be a miracle time of healing I’m so there to let God use me !!! Let’s go Jesus . Gods power is big I think we forget about that . It’s so important to stay reading the Bible . This month I been reading Psalms. With the enemy coming against me and raigan it’s a great book in the Bible to read . God told me in my car a few days ago not to worry anymore I’ve been full of worry . I believe God has this . For the first time I believe he’s got this all of it . My broken heart , my job , my finances , my friends , family , loved ones . God is big Amen !

I’m 41 I told God I just want to settle down please . But God has called me to do his work right now
But I pray I don’t die alone . Here is me focusing on Jesus

Fini

I sit here on the edge of this canvas 

Most days it feels like a knife 

Cut through the wrist 

As I find my smile 

In the hope of tomorrow 

When will tomorrow come . 

It’s like that familiar song 

We play over and over 

I dream of the day as I contemplate

Suicide dreams 

As the crowd stares right through me . 

I can’t give up 

I can’t give in . 

Where does that leave me 

This is my life 

With one impression 

I’ve failed as I lie here alone counting 

Memories in the ceiling . 

So tell me as I cast my penny in the well 

Maybe there is one wish left for me 

As I turn the lights off 

And pray he comes home   

Shattering

I’m not sure 

I’m not sure . 

How can we be 

Only God knows . 

So I’m shattered 

And put together at the same time . 

Constantly moving forward 

But staying here at the same time can you blame me for staying 

Never had a love like this 

Can you blame me for leaving 

Never had pain like this 

Catch me here in this moment 

Your all that I search for 

Can’t try to forget you 

It’s impossible 

So I live with you right here under my heart 

Under my eyes 

I see you here . 

Can you blame me 

Do you see me too 

In the crowd . 

Holding you . 

I’m lost here in the future 

Sitting in the past 

Shattered 

Good Graces

Got nothing left to hold on to 

I suspect if I ended my time here 

Would anyone notice . 

I hand my heart on cards 

I am the ace . 

Please hold my hand 

They step away . 

It’s not really ever my turn is it 

The jokers love to have there way 

It’s not very funny 

As I stand here in pain . 

I’m invisible 

No beauty 

No one notices me 

Dying . 

It’s a shame really . 

What was it all for . 

I gave it away 

In return for nothing 

My hands are empty 

I never gave up 

I was the fighter they said . 

But really now I’ve got nothing left 

I can’t always be 

My own hero 

In my stories . 

If I was gone 

Would you be at my funeral . 

Would you listen then 

Would you look back and have regrets . 

Of all the time I spent giving 

When you gave nothing back . 

I’m not sure if this is how it’s supposed to go 

But I know how feeling invisible goes . 

And these lines are well spent . 

Pills

This is the price I pay 

For giving everything to

Someone who threw it all

Away 

I can’t write you a love letter 

It gets washed away with narcotic thoughts 

You couldn’t see the time I lost loving you 

Losing you 

Your stuck in your mirror 

I’m here paying the price 

But it’s the price I pay 

Of a lost life 

Dreams gone 

I scream alone 

No one hears m here 

Not even you 

Your thoughts erased by narcotic suicide 

As I pray 

I never deserved to lose you

You never deserved to lose your self 

Maybe one day you’ll leave the poison behind 

And you’ll realize 

But it’s the price I pay 

As I sit here alone 

Blueberry Pancakes

Maybe I wasn’t in the right place at the right time 

Alice said . 

As she has more bruises left 

She can’t seem to count them 

She can’t seem to keep track . 

Maybe if i could’ve saved him 

I would’ve saved myself . 

But where is my hero 

Thought Alice . 

Why didn’t anyone ever catch her from falling 

They never thought of that 

Isn’t that sad said the rabbit . 

As the joker says it’s awkward in this room 

And it’s getting hot 

I can’t sit still but only for a moment 

I must chase these dreams . 

No one is here chasing after me . 

Dear Alice. 

Puts on a brave face 

Sits on the type writer 

Crossing the I’s dotting the T’s of course 

And maybe he will come just in time 

Maybe time is over . 

As the clock rewinds I think it’s broken 

Alice where do we go from here 

Path

it’s 5:30 am on a Saturday . I need to go running I need to find a second job I need I need I need the stress can be over whelming . I just been praying . Seems I’m always working especially for my little girl but I can never get a head . I need a vacation . I remember when me and my ex boyfriend Jerry we used to talk about buying land in the mountains and retiring there one day . It made me cry on the way home thinking about it . How that dream is gone . It made my heart full to have those dreams. What I would give to live in the mountains on a lake when I’m old . I’m learning to live in the joy of the moment . Every moment as my friend Malia says . To trust in God’s good purpose for my future and try to focus on right now is where I’ll find joy and find the blessings in that .

Amen .

What I Thought I Knew

It’s 9:48 pm it’s Thursday I just got in to town stopped to get a frozen yogurt I’m alone this weekend as I am most weekends. My life is consumed with work and gym . I thought I would be married by now or driving home into the arms of the love of my life but instead I’ll go home to run . It’s not that I hate my life it’s just not what I expected . For some reason I know I’m where I’m supposed to be but I feel restless . I never was the girl who needed attention or love I’m independent . But I’m ready to settle down but God’s saying not yet ? Why ? I’m 41 I’m not getting younger .

I remember clearly at 8 years old sitting on the toilet wondering how cool my life would be at 30. But here I am at 41 with much to report but yet I still go home to an empty house . It just ain’t right .

I’m to old for this . Is being alone my destiny ?

The Heart

I sat there you know 

Trying to find the answer to bring you home . 

I gave you every single thing I had 

Until I became nothing . 

Yet you said I was the selfish one . 

I forgave you a hundred times 

Maybe when you’re  in the dark your blind 

I couldn’t keep doing this 

I will always write these lines . 

Nothing changes . 

I’m praying for a sign 

But nothing . 

I deserve a better life . 

I lay in my bed alone 

Night after night 

Days upon days pass by . 

I’ve changed everything

In my life 

Except for your side of the bed 

And I ..... 

Gave every thing I had . 

We all have choices 

You chose everything else instead 

When It’s Hard

Before marriage was the last thing on my mind I was happy the way things were. Now I long to be settled down to be content . I been alone so long. I’m not lonely per say I just want the end part of my life . I’ve road the hard roads the roads no one should have to battle I been through things you would only see on terrible movies or the nightly news , I deserve the ring I never got , the wedding I never got , the proposal I never got . Or someone actually loving me what a concept more then themselves.

I pick selfish people . Now it’s my turn for the first time to be selfish and say I deserve this. I lived to make everyone happy to be used and destroyed and left here with deep wounds. I don’t regret the relationship it’s made with God and how he himself saved my life but I’m ready now .

But now it’s his purpose . I can’t move with out Gods will for me . What does God want for my life now? What is the next step ? I need help God in this time for you to fill my heart with love for you to take care of me and Raigan in everything we don’t have .

Please make this year a year of blessings and joy I’m so tired Lord give me rest . And bless those who have harmed us . Save those who are lost .

Ropes

Ropes . 

If I’m the cause why am I alone 

The train station is empty 

It’s half past the time and I’m left here 

I’m wearing your sweat shirt 

Time is paused as life keeps pushing forward . 

I’m stuck here in the shade of this good bye 

It’s raining under these eyes 

Black is the day 

Black is the night . 

I wasn’t born to live this way 

I deserve to have someone by my side 

I’m here alone writing these rhymes 

I dream of another kind of life 

I won’t stand here paralyzed 

Not for long 

You get my drift 

I bought my ticket 

Not sure when the next train is comin 

You had so many chances 

I don’t deserve a life like this 

I know you know this 

I know as you read this 

We all make our choices 

One pill 

One bottle 

And I 

Packed my bags 

It’s way past the time between where I will go and where I been . 

Maybe we can love and let go . 

Maybe you can fight a little harder 

But I shouldn’t be the one writing this 

It’s all on the table 

Every morning I pray over and over 

I’m paused as life pushes us forward 

But I bought my ticket 

Time is a ticking 

Isn’t it 

As hearts are breaking 

I deserve more then this 

-Amy Everett

waiting’

When is it time to let go. Is everything we do a waste or do we plant seeds. I’m 41 I want to
Settle down and my soul mate is an addict who has not yet recovered. How do I move on? I know I may wait forever for someone who doesn’t even love them self much less love me. I have separated myself in hopes for answers from God himself and pray for what Is meant whatever that is. And to heal a broken heart that my ex never even saw or appreciated because addicts are selfish and put themselves first . I love him but he has made a choice not to be better for himself or me. If my dream is to be married I’m not getting any younger I need to heal from this .

I’m not dating at all just waiting on God

Hope In

I say hope is a catapillar 

Waiting to be something. 

But yet I throw so many years 

Praying for things to change 

Gave you all

Cried every day 

But you spit in my face ? 

Sometimes the world tells us lies on both shoulders 

Why are you willing to listen 

I gave you it all 

Now I’m numb from the heart down 

Just trying to

Survive with you gone 

But you would rather do nothin 

 I say hope is a catapillar 

Waiting for her wings to open 

But I’m dying from your poison 

You would rather sit and do nothing 

I’m

Sitting

Here 

Waitin 

And when I find you 

You spit in my face 

As my arms are open . 

What was it all for . 

The world lies to us on both shoulders 

But you chose to

Accept it . 

I gave you everything

In return for your self hatred . 

I am the falling star 

You never caught it . 

I’m falling 

You can’t pay attention  

Direction

Direction

This is the time
When you think the light is shining
But yet it’s dark
And I’m all alone
But it’s the time
When I will push myself beyond the blurred lines .
How far can I go
Emotionally
How far can we get God it’s just you
And me .
How far can we take it running in the gym
Where can we push this physically
I’m not going to sleep on me

Maybe as I gather my bridges
As I write these lines
I don’t need anyone to condone this
Because I’m here to push this

To see where I can take it
Walk the path less taken
Heal this heart that’s been broken

Here I am God it’s me and it’s you
No ones pointing any fingers

We reap what we are sowin.

So let’s grasp this .
And change direction . - Amy Everett

Arrested

I remember the music we shared 

As you folded your laundry years ago 

I remember the lazy days we spent under the covers with nothin else to do 

But us me n you . 

You want to remember the bruises time left on our pillows leaving our beds wet 

But what I remember is the years of your fingerprints left on my skin

The kind you can’t remove when wet . 

Layers of time 

Painted on my soul 

Framed soul mate . 

It tells a tale 

From then 

To now . 

I remember watching you sleep 

I remember you saying good bye . 

I remember never letting you go . 

There’s a hallway in my eyes 

The world I see is you and me . 

It’s all I see . 

Never complete . 

I’ll sit here in this circle we call home

Waiting for the lights to come on . 

Sitting on this door step . 

Well well

Mark 11:24

For whatever you ask for in prayer you shall receive .


Well God will grant our prayers if we don’t have unforgiveness in our hearts and we have no sin so I have to ask for forgiveness seek him with all my heart and ask for things in his will . So my prayer life has gotten very very serious . So I been writing my prayers out . And on top of this it’s been holding me accountable to love my enemies, to forgive wrong doers and to be a good doer myself God is love and I have to reflect who God is . This means in my prayer time checking myself in order to ask for my own needs . This is where I’m at .

Hope

Letting go : 

Do we ever really let go of our soul mate? I think life can be tragic and maybe God is teaching us and maybe all we have is faith and I’m emotionally drained from letting go of the love of my life but is it letting go or just a pause in time . I know he isn’t on the path to be ready for a relationship and maybe he will someday but maybe he won’t only God has those answers . What I do know is that I can’t control it I can’t save it . All I can do is pray and keep my eyes focused up on Christ not ahead or behind me . It’s ok to love it’s ok to let go if it’s not healthy . But never give up hope 

Love and Losses

Life is messy so is love why can’t it be black and white? Why can’t we just have the one we love the one we fight for ? When you have them , they seem to slip through our fingers like sand and there’s nothing we can do . Nothing happens on accident . God has his permission on the bad and the good . But what is bad ? And if we have a teachable spirit we are more grounded but it still leaves me sad . 

I can ask why all day but I can’t change a thing. All I can do is pray for my loved one and have faith in my future that God knows best in everything even his timing . 

When I’m left wondering why I’m also left thanking God for a lesson in faith and salvation. I am Job he said . Job lost it all and in faith gained it back . I have to hope in God and keep going and honestly I’m emotionally exhausted . God renew my spirit . I’m a nice person . I try to give my whole heart I would give anything but sometimes love isn’t enough I can’t save anyone only God can . 

I pray for continual healing and a calm spirit . To remain in love with my God and see things for what they are . 

It’s not easy no . I cry I do . But I’m strong in my identity in Christ this is the difference 

Destiny

Destiny -

It’s an empty vessel 

Full of direction 

Tell me your story 

I wear mine on these patches made of old stamps and letters never quite returned 

So here I am 

With hope 

It’s all I really got 

No one understands . 

Love is an empty bottle 

But figure this 

I may be an orphan 

But I’m not weak 

I may not have a home 

But I won’t lose 

Not this time . 

I always loved the rain 

He said . 

I can’t think of this 

As I look for light houses . 

- Amy Everett

tonight

Things that made sense no longer make sense at all . I know God wants to heal my heart so I’m just letting him. There is so much pain inside I’m ready to heal but I know it’s so fragile for me. I feel alone . No one is who they say they are . People have agendas not for you just for themselves. I sit here nothing is going right I’m just looking up at God asking why . I trust no one now . Does everyone lie to gain whatever their need is? Can anyone truly love? Or love me? I’m thinking the answer is no

How Love Goes

The most profound statement I ever heard in my entire life has been : The love you give is the love you keep.

If you want to know why your marriage or relationship isn’t working then invest in your partner. Not for your sake but for theirs. I never knew what love was until I decided to invest in someone. It’s so simple . If the only love you kept was what you gave what would you give? Because what we take with us is what we invest in the other person . That’s why selfish people don’t care. So invest and your love will grow . That’s why love is unconditional.

The Cure

It’s the breaking away of time 

In fragments . 

I find myself in the corner . 

Wondering how love like butterfly’s 

Never returns home . 

It’s some kind of destorted window pane 

Shards of color that cuts the iris 

Until we can’t see clearly 

We are left alone wondering 

Why . 

You left with all the pieces of me 

I’m left with the price . 

Here’s the change he said 

And spit on me . 

You see I’m not much 

But I give 

So here is this heart and my puffy red lips 

He laughs and says what is a man to do with this ? 

Don’t worry he just can’t see you

She said . 

New beginnings

Yesterday was a rough day I lost a friend who I thought was a best friend , I lost someone who I thought was close to me . My car died but the luck never changes . I’m moving finally I’m
Hoping this is a blessing . Where is my life going ?

date night

It’s half past 8 it’s Friday
Their are no dates
I have a million stories but I
Couldn’t tell you one where I been loved
The way I see those in the crowds
Hands tossed inside fingers smiles latched in circles
I am lost alone with empty promises
My hands lost in my face
There is nothing much I could say
Except that I’m home alone

Writing this story on a Friday night .

No ones ever loved me the way they said they did
No ones ever loved me the way I loved them

So who am I ,
An orphan ?

Maybe as I get lost in the crowd alone
Some one will grab my hand
And not let go
Maybe they will love my smile

But for now I write this letter
From an empty pillow
Wondering why

Addiction

Addiction -

It’s a needle

I’m the hay stack

There’s no arguing that
As I pass us in the hall
Watching us exchange old smiles
Can’t fake the love or old mistakes
Tattoo name sakes on right rib cage
No regrets as I cry alone on my pillow case

I didn’t lose out because we lost interest
But because of addiction
Seems like it was a Demon
Came like a thief
Stole the best of you and me .

So when they say I should be over it
When they say I dodged a bullet
Maybe there will be one part no one gets

That every thing we were will always stay frozen
You see because we didn’t leave because
We didn’t love each other
But we were torn like a broken frame from its picture .

But that’s addiction .

A pain that never stops hurting
A choice we can’t stop choosing .
All I’m asking now is for the healing
For the man who was stolen

From me . - Amy Everett

Loving

What to do when you feel so alone . It’s 9:30 on a Saturday night I’m home alone. Raigan is gone I could be out doing anything but instead I’m writing this. Depression has gotten the best of me for good reason . I’ve been let down and I’m no victim it’s just am I ok enough to be loved ? Why am I so lonely ? Why do the people who claim to love me lie. I think about how this could be my fault I’m
A nice person falling for bad people. So where is my person ? The one I’m meant to be with ?

Am I not pretty ? Not loveable ? I give up

News

Everybody wants til there’s nothin left 

Nothin left of me 

So tell me how I find the part 

Where someone wants to love me . 

It seems like an old revolution 

Where I put my heart in your pocket 

And they do what they want with it 

Tell me it’s my fault 

Walk with my Benifit 

So please explain to me . 

I travel

This world alone 

No one really knowing me 

I’m left alone at night 

You wonder how it gets the best of me 

Or why I keep writing the same thing 

Because no ones ever taken the time to love me . 

Love

It’s 5 am on a Sunday I have to get up to go running I haven’t in days I haven’t been feeling well. The topic loneliness. At 40 and being single I know I’m independent the only person I’ve been with is my ex we broke up in late December pretty recent so I have not dated in my healing mode I’ve become quite isolated I like my bubble I like being safe. A safe place where no one can hurt me it suits me for now. I do watch couples and families and I envy there love for each other but I’m just not brave enough not healed enough to venture out yet. I do realize time is passing by so quickly and where do you meet new people any way ? I’m a firm believer in real life connections not online dating I think it will come when it comes . My friends at work tease me and tell me I will die a cat lady this might be so but God has a plan. There is a season for every thing. Love myself first.

Value

Let me tell you a story . A woman walked by at work wearing a t shirt saying - chase this. The shirt in itself caught our attention and my fellow co worker Brian who has become a good friend looked at me and said, Amy that’s what you need to get .” I looked at him in confusion. I said,” get what ?” He said, “ self esteem “ as he walked away. His statement stayed with me as I drove home that night. Was Brian right. Was I sad every day over an ex boyfriend who treated me like garbage because I don’t see my value? Or was It because I truly loved him? I pondered this for hours. And why did I give so much power to people who tore me apart on the daily? If I saw my value would any thing matter. Because I’m worth being loved? 

Brian my friend had a point in the midst of the hustle and bustle of work he saw right through me. I don’t want to be 40 and single and not know what’s it’s like to be worth it and valuable and know it. 

Maybe it’s something I need to work on but thank you Brian for pointing it out. 

On my own

Pain slides past my eyes hidden behind brown flecks behind a masked sun 

There’s a white dress and red lips 

I can’t escape the memories 

Branded in my mind . 

I try to run away 

I try to write . 

But your there next to me every where I go 

Just like yesterday is today 

And I 

Can’t breathe 

I can’t change the pain you caused me 

I can’t change the way you left me 

I can’t change a thing 

So tell me as I sit here alone 

With you 

Our song on repeat 

The same tears falling day after day 

Me wearing the same mask 

And your old sweat shirt 

I can’t feel you 

I can’t smell you any more . 

But fuck 

I’m here in the crowd invisible 

I’m here in the crowd not one damn person sees me here 

But your next to me 

I’m the only one who sees you 

Smiling at me as you fade slowly 

I’m screaming alone in my car . 

Nothing changes 

As the sun rises 

The sun sets . 

I can’t change how you left 

How you didn’t love me the way you said you did 

But most of all I can’t change 

That I loved you the way I said I did . 

So here I am 

In this big fucking crowd alone 

I’m screaming 

I’m invisible 

No one saw me 

But you . 

And your so far away . 

I can’t change 

My white dress 

My brown eyes 

Or you the way your with me . 

So I run 

You didn’t love me 

I run 

You left me . 

I run 

I love you .