Some days the past few weeks I cry myself to sleep . Some days I find my power and my value so I have peace
Either way I’m in mourning and there is no way around it . When your with someone for a year , and it’s a hard relationship you end up investing all of you thinking it might save all of them
But all of them does not take into account me . I tattooed his name on my side for the promise of forever I wanted to believe as he got sober and then relapsed and I had enough of the lies and broken promises .
Here I am left with an investment that left me in the negative . Ultimately it was my fault . I should’ve left the moment I knew . I wanted to believe you loved us enough but it had nothing to do with us at all .
Today I had a prayer meeting and God spoke to my friend about my healing .
I needed to know God loved me and the abuse I endured as a kid left me with a distorted version of love and me not loving myself .
I left feeling better and with some verses to the gym . And oddly enough my dearest friend and pastor was there at the gym . He welcomed me with a warm hug and a promise to work out together . We known each other since we were kids . He’s a big black guy full of joy he reminds me of Cubba Gooding Jr looks and everything , this brought a smile to my heart . After today I felt worn with some glimmer of hope and joy
I know my ex is back in rehab . As a loving human I wish him the best . But he is not what is best for me .
We will never speak again . All he did was lead me down a dark rabbit hole of lies and pain .
But today seems a new story of hope
I’m 39 , and I need my life to be different and amazing . I won’t let anyone in it who is not equally amazing .
It’s a new journey I suppose . I know it will take time for this mourning to pass
But love can’t fix everything we all have choices .
I need to find someone who chooses me
Because for the first time I’m choosing me too
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