Deconstruct

It’s Thursday it’s my day off . I wish I could tell you what I’m really going through . But no one would understand I walked into the doughnuts  store this morning as I do every morning . Not for  doughnuts but I go for there coffee it’s only a dollar , no line and it’s better than any Starbucks . 

Inside they were playing 500 Miles from the Pretenders . I remembered the movie Benny and June where the song came from and for some reason I felt joy 

Seems so stupid , right a movie I loved brings me joy . I realized at that moment how sad I was , how numb I am . I’m not myself right now , as I stand here for coffee no one can tell . I’m invisible but on this paper I’m transparent as hell . 

I’m like a broken dove who hit the ground . I know I’ll be ok . But I been dragged through the mud I’m processing I’m getting my feet out . 

It’s cold , it’s hard , it’s the shock that I got here in this hole . It’s funny how much pain one person can take and yet hide it with a simple smile , yet they don’t know I cry when I’m alone . 

This is not who I am . These moments don’t define me , nor will they harden me for I know it was not my doing . 

It’s almost like being in the hospital , you know your not feeling well , but it will get better and in time you will be home . 

This is where I’m at . Forcing myself out of the quick sand . Writing is my therapy 

I’m sitting here on my day off , listening to Zack Hemsey imagining how I could change the world . If I could I would heal everyone so everyone would love . 

Last night an old friend text me . I dated him when Austin was a little baby so like 17 years ago . A professional soccer player . We were young . He text me to see how I was . Then he asked if I would drive 2 hours to see him after work ? 

Yeah ok . Let me drive 2 hours so you can use me ? No thanks . Why can’t people care about you with out an agenda . 

Does love always have an agenda too ? 

I’m not a hopeless romantic I promise . 

I’m a realist . But why are people so selfish ? 

Now I’m rambling I have many things to do today . Thanks for listening . 

Cheers to healing .