Night

I see the night sky staring me down 

Like I’m the sunset stealing her thunder 

And I wonder 

If I pass through your thoughts when it’s midnight and you can’t sleep 

And if this was love is this a question I should be wondering as I wake from a nightmare of you leaving 

Me . 

There’s an IV and it’s leaking on the floor 

I watch the blood empty I lay here alone 

As they walk the halls 

Would it help to scream 

Would it help run free 

Would it help if you noticed 

Me . 

It’s a hemorrhage of mascara 

From an iris as the crows circle the crowded sky . 

They say there there it’s alright 

And I’m running dry . 

And the phones been disconnected 

You say it’s alright . 

I fight this mask you wear 

I’ll rip it to shreds to see your fears 

It begins to rain 

There’s a hole in my stomach 

She passes away 

And all the chaos 

Melts like old newspaper ads 

No one wants to hear . 

I’m invisible in here 

If love was a pillow 

Would she be black 

Like the night 

I can’t sleep . 

Save 

Me. 

Death Bed

The holes are vast like a net 

Water falling never catching 

Like the pain 

It seethes in red like fire 

Burning forest and it’s victims 

As I stand here naked 

I am invisible 

Withering away 

Do you know this pain ? 

Can’t be erased by one lined 

Apology . 

No regrets no harm done he says 

As I rock myself to sleep in a silent room 

I erase the vomit filled memories 

They cut me like small razors 

Filling each hole with alcohol 

And I scream in silence 

No ambulance can carry me to my healing 

And I’m sorry I didn’t want to bother you with all of this . 

I just wanted you to see with your own eyes 

What I feel below the surface 

And how can you look at me in the face and say absolutely nothing of all of this 

You laugh tell me I’m trippin

How can I think you don’t love me ? 

And the tide pulls me farther under neath 

And you look at me with a blank stare 

And as long as I’m brave and I tell you it’s alright , your ok . Your ok to use me 

And you call this love ? 

Do you hear me 

Do you hear me 

As I’m sinking 

Do you see me standing here naked and bleeding 

Knifes in my back 

And you hand me a one line apology 

And you see me 

And say nothing 

As they drive me to my own funeral 

You smile and say everything is alright 

As I wither away 

You say I love you 

Bench Mark

I’m in a weird place . I feel like I should document it for so many reasons . I feel like I know for a fact I found my one true love . I know it deep inside , but it’s so broken I don’t know how to connect the dots to us being together forever . It’s like finding a road you been looking for and your on the path and suddenly the road is missing . You can’t see the other side but you know it’s there and you are so confused of why it’s gone . I’m sitting here at the edge of this world dangling my feet with you
Do I turn back on the road I was so sure of ? Was I wrong ? Did I take the wrong turn ? I need a sign God . I need God to guide me . Where do I go from here ? I need you to show me .

Type Ropes

It’s 9:36 am . I have anxiety so bad I can’t sleep . Wounds seething at night praying to be healed . I find my heart racing and I clutch my chest will I live ? 

I’ve found I’ve been through much more than I can bear this year . I want to be strong not vulnerable . I’m scared never been so scared . I feel like I’m walking on a high rise on a windy day . All day all night . It never subsides . Depression seems to be alarming my daughter catches me off guard ask me if I’m ok . 

I try to pray and read verses . Let God be in control . I’m usually good at this but not today or yesterday . 

I can’t shake it . I can’t breathe . 

I can’t escape it . 

Letter to You

It’s been a while hasn’t it . It’s friday night 6:30 pm . And I’m listening to Boxer - Mistaken For Steangers . I feel a deep drepression coursing through my veins like a poison rotting away at my joy
The weird thing is , I realize this is Love in its rare form . My boyfriend is away for a few weeks , and I miss him deeply . I don’t think I’ve eaten more than a meal in a week . I guess when someone you love is gone you realize some things . You realize who you don’t love and you realize how vulnerable you are that fear consumes you that you could lose them , he could forget me . Maybe this does not sound rational but our relationship has not been conventional . And I’m swallowing coal . Praying it’s gods will that we will survive any storm .

Maybe he fears the same things . Maybe he does not . I will not know for a while but what I do know is that it’s friday night . I’m writing all of you as you are all out partying and laughing and I’m in bed missing him . I’m hoping he’s missing me . And love this thing ain’t easy . But we can’t chose who we love but we chose to continue to love .

And I chose him . Maybe I’ll try to sleep these days away or find joy in my daughters smile or in prayer , or the fresh air . I mean I am alive and I have come to conclusions and some I have not .

The question now is how long can I go with out eating . How do I make the stress not kill me

- Agent Orange