The Magician

It's like I'm drowning at sea
Hoping that you reach for me
I know you're there, but I can't see
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
I'm dying to breathe
And all you do is strangle me
Such a beautiful relief
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
Drunk off tragic endings- Eminem 

It’s a copper wire laying in a bed of water 

It’s my eye lash falling in the winter 

It’s my heart beating in the sewer 

You mock my time served with - you 

Spitting in my face 

As I grab your hand to save you from falling 

You slit my throat as I lean over for a kiss 

Now I pulled the rug 

You thought you were the great magician 

I’m holding these cards 

I throw yours 

Just the joker 

I’m the queen - 

There’s a bed I lay alone in 

But there’s no room 

For murderers 

As my panties lay wet 

Like paint on a wall in church 

I sacrificed for you 

You drove the nail through 

You set me on fire 

You tell me you love me 

As you hang me from the banister 

You think it’s ok 

And every excuse is one last breath 

Leaving 

Old diamonds 

Old dreams 

Shatter in the fire 

You laugh in the darkness 

As you blow away our ashes 

I’ve never seen such a murder scene 

And you say baby ? 

As you disrespect me ? 

So let’s play ring around the rosey

As I laugh at your stupidity 

How can you say you love me 

As I drowned in your sea . 

Painting

There’s something about a picket fence 

I’m always on the wrong side of 

And all the initials you carved on this tree 

Who else’s are carved on your bottles 

As you get lost with out me 

I’m a memory know one seems to hold on to 

Nothing important to do . 

I lay on the grass counting lost peices of sky 

Is everything going to be alright 

No one holding my hand . 

Always alone again 

I gave you paper heart 

Cursive note 

Read I love you 

As it blows 

Away in the wind . 

What’s one more 

One more night 

Forgetting about me . 

As I lie here on the other side of the fence 

Looking in 

Painted picture frames 

I’m never in . 

Sometimes I cry 

Sometimes I drive . 

When am I worth it 

To take my hand

Carve my initials on your heart 

I’ll be the Braille in your soul 

A moment you can’t let go of 

Not tonight 

Not tomorrow 

And I break 

Break this clock 

And all of it’s reminders 

Of you 

Miracle

So last night I was coming home with raigan from riverside Festival of Lights . We were almost home on the back road of Los Alamos road . If you know this road it is dark and windy . As I entered the back road Raigan was sleeping soundly in the back seat .

I checked my rear view mirror and saw what I thought to be a Porsche coming around the corner at about 150 mph

I know cars I love cars I raced cars as a hobby every day . I know what they can and can’t handle . This car passed me so fast I thought they were going to hit me I knew I would die .

They came with In a inch of hitting us . I called 911. I knew this car would not make it with out crashing . As I was speaking to the 911 operator I turned the bend and the vehicle was crashed on the side of the road it’s tail end in the sky and the dash was unseen planted In the earth and I’m pretty sure there were no survivors at this point I was glad I was already on the phone with 911 to get help they came right away .

I’m blessed to be alive . I don’t know what happened to this car I didn’t leave until help arrived . But you never know when something could happen . Thank you for saving us God

Dear Arsonist

The blind are broken 

Setting the world on fire 

Dear arsonist

Watch the ashes fall . 

I trade letters for regret 

Thank the Lord for my salvation 

I see you in my rear view mirror 

Laughing with your matches 

And I can barely breath 

I’m barely breathing 

As I’m escaping 

And there’s a difference 

Between the ones with hearts 

And the ones with none at all 

And there’s a difference 

With the ones with a conscience 

And the ones who pray to the Lord 

And I thank God for my salvation 

As your world is in flames 

And I can’t save you 

As you laugh 

I escape 

I’m barely breathing 

They say 

In the end times man will have no conscience they will steal , kill and destroy . 

Thank you Lord that I am not blind 

I am not lost . 

Thank you for saving me 

Thank you for your grace 

 Dear arsonist 

I leave you behind 

Trading you letters for regret 

So I can breathe again 

Blessings

Your not sure how it started your day but you know how it’s going to go . I leave the house with no money and change in case I need money in my gas tank . I pray to God I’ll make it through the day . My pay checks aren’t quite enough to pay all the bills much less Christmas and I’m relying on God to get me through the month . 

I make it to work and a friend is waiting there for me with a Christmas envelope and mind you I didn’t have food that day or the day before or gas money and I open the envelope to find she blessed me with 80 dollars how does that happen on a Sunday , when you have nothing to make it to pay day . God is good and so is my friend . Thank you friend . She has no idea the blessing you brought this week to my life . 

So Thursday comes along I been driving to Rancho Cucamonga every day for work so that money was gone fast and on my way home Thursday night my gas was on zero and my ex husband told me to stop by that night to get some money early for raigan he would be out of town 

What is the timing on that ? Thank you 

God . 

I sat at work this week with no customers and a man called he was a stranger and told me he loved the lord and the lord told him I was a compassionate person I needed to help people and I was wasting my time at my job . He was right I did have a passion for people . 

God works and this week it’s been every single day . I want to send a message to everyone not to give up hope he hears you , he sees you . And thank you to my friends who have helped I love you !! 

Death Row

The committee calls treason 

Do you understand the charges 

You sowed the noose around your neck 

As I held your hand . 

You whisper dying words 

I love you 

But I don’t understand . 

The jury has no mercy 

Your  always asking for just one more chance . 

Tell me with my lips as I kiss you 

You stab me in the heart 

And I reckon you knew exactly what you were doing at the time . 

Now the funeral plays on 

And you cry ? 

You like to watch me die 

In your crown of glory 

You hide 

Made of ashes 

Slitting the wrist of time . 

What is it you want from the dead 

To kill her once again ? 

Look what you’ve done they said 

Blood falls from her mouth 

Look what you’ve done they said 

You laugh 

It’s Just The Truth

I never believed in true love . Until I fell in love then I was shown that true love does not exist . 

It’s just a lie we sell ourself until we are used , lied to , and left alone . 

Love is not real . Between two people 

Life advice

 When someone hurts you so bad you want them to make it better , You want them to make it all makes sense to make all the pain go away, but the truth is the person who put the hole in your boat for it to sink cannot fix it. If they are the ones who hurt you you can’t expect them to make it better, you have to move on and find a way to heal repair your own boat, and never let them touch your ship again. For if they made you drowned once they will certainly make you drowned again

Aeros

Cupid’s bow lies broken 

In the snow . 

I’ll set him on fire 

A nightmare fairytale with out a 

White picket fence . 

What a scene . I buttoned up yesterday 

Like an old winter coat that was worn 

I was left cold . 

I can’t imagine writing such a story 

The deck of cards dealt 

I was betrayed 

You said I was a caterpillar 

What’s it like to kill a butterfly ? 

Lost now in this sand storm 

No water 

And I beg the heavens for me to forget 

Yesterday . 

I stitch up all your words in black marker 

I sing my self to sleep 

You died 

In me . 

I have the wounds to prove it still 

There isn’t a badge for bravery 

Only the bare ness of regret . 

You said your afraid of heights 

As you hang me from your bare hands 

Laughing at the noose around my neck 

I just needed a hero . 

Now I’m left dead . 

But you will never feel that 

Here is my letter 

As I rip apart this arrow 

And cry in silence  

The Funeral

It’s that moment when everything you had runs like a vein to your heart , a strong dose of fatal poison as you lie there in shock . Every memory as it passes each beat you watch burn behind sollen eyes . There is not one thing you can do about this kind of death 

It’s like a bullet to the brain . There isn’t anything you can do to change this . Your frozen there in time . Feeling sick in the pit of your stomach . 

In some empty abandon grave you sit forgotten like yesterday’s trash . 

The worst part is , you know with out a doubt that’s where you will remain . 

The person who was saving you all along was digging my grave . 

I can’t breathe . I can’t escape . What is the lesson in this murder scene 

As they wrap up the tape ? 

To always trust in your gut feeling . It never lies . 

Disaster

It was the conversation over coffee 

Going back and forth over news paper spread 

Black smudges on white intentions 

Rainy day . 

I ask about tomorrow 

This time there is 

No reply . 

The type writer is nervous 

And bends In the sun rise 

I take one last drink 

Before the day starts and ends 

All at the same time . 

So I ask you again . 

No answer. 

The silence is clear 

My mind sits as a heavy crowd in a New York subway 

Yet I seem calm . 

The ink runs dry . 

And realize 

I been talking 

To myself . 

Lamps

Alice puts her head phones on 

Counts snow flakes one by one 

It’s never winter yet it’s always winter here 

I’m under the bed in the dark 

Lost in all these thoughts 

What do you think about my brass button coat 

Hanging on your door . 

As I cry alone on your bedroom floor . 

Do you see me there tonight 

Every tear a stain on your pillow 

So you can’t forget 

Maybe just maybe you will feel the way 

You bruised my face . 

Hiding under covers . 

I love you can’t fix black and blue decisions 

I thought it was possible 

Love . 

I thought you meant it 

But what did you mean 

As I lay here alone . 

My jacket still on your door 

I’m left full of regret 

What can I do 

As you live in these words 

As you throw away this book . 

Stand Still

It’s 2 pm I’m sitting at my work on a Saturday. I would give just about anything to be at the beach . I’m hearing some kind of awful music on the radio and today isn’t the best day ever . I have some sound advice for my audience that took my whole life to take . 

It’s simple really . So many people play games In relationships , who wins - who loses . When do I call ? How Can I make them jealous ? You guys are all wrong . 

Be real . Be yourself and honor and love and respect yourself first . Never set aside your dignity or self esteem for anyone . It’s that simple . Find a relationship that is equal give and take 

Equal love . There is no such thing in anything else or it’s just fake . Guard your heart only give it away to someone who keeps it as safe as they keep there own . Do not risk your emotional safety 

Any of us could die in this next moment 

Don’t waste your life on anyone or anything that hurts you , devalues you 

Write your list of things you need in someone and don’t settle . Love yourself first . If you have kids remember they watch you as an example 

Would you want your daughter to marry the man you are dating ? If not , why are you ? Would you want your son to marry a woman like the one you are dating ? 

If not , why are you ! Life is short . You have value . Would you throw your pearls to swine ? The Bible it’s self tells us not to . 

Be yourself , find someone who is genuine and honest . 

Have a happy Saturday ! 

No Apology

I’m sorry if i didn’t meet your expectations of the perfect girl 

Didn’t you know the best part of me is how imperfect i can be . 

I’m a glasses girl with funny shaped lips 

And a big imagination 

I live in stories and who could pull me out 

Who could read between her lines and love her there 

Waiting in an ocean . 

Black eyes white panties waiting to escape 

Rip me into your beating heart 

Show me the darkest secrets where i can love . 

But didn’t you know I’m the girl in converse and a dress . 

You say , your not so pretty any more 

You say , you didn’t love me enough 

You never loved me whole 

I’m a cake that brings warm memories 

I’m a memory you never had before 

I’m a drop of rain you hold in the palm of your hand never to escape . 

Here i am alone writing stories . 

Who will understand me 

Have the strength to love me 

As i file them away 

I dream of winter 

And now you can’t take the best part of me . 

Like coated cotton candy 

And antique stores 

You’ll never find that flavor 

No one knows my name 

Tales Of A Librarian

I’m 39 and I see them every where , the post of couples and the guys putting there girl friends as there wcw . I’m over here knowing I’m to late . It’s to late for me . I won’t have a wedding , a proposal or even the ring . I’ve come to terms with this today . Maybe I’ll be a cat lady and live alone in Canada . Or drink coffee in Washington book stores alone as I watch the rain pour . I’ve accepted my single life fate . I guess I always wanted to know what it was like to have someone love me more than them self 

But I know God’s love for me . Right now that is enough . 

2017 Round About

It’s November 2nd I’m sitting at Richies Diner with Raigan it’s early 9 am . This past 7 months have been hard . Almost exactly 7 months ago I posted very important goals I refuse to let 2017 to go out unnoticed . I will remain single I’m happy to remain single . I need to refocus on my heath, my God , my daughter and my finances . 

I’m emotionally burnt and I feel like I’m in ashes . I could blame someone for doing this to me but the truth is I allowed it . I need to Recenter . Why would I allow anyone to bring me to such a point when I’m valuable ? 

I need these last months of this year to really read my Bible , pray and figure out why 

This is where I’m at . Have you been in this place ? Of such pain ? Have you been dragged to your very own personal hell ? 

I been praying now more than ever . We have to make every day count , don’t ever waste your love on any one who throws it on the floor . 

Atticts

It’s half past midnight 

The crows circle it’s cold 

You are not here 

You never were here 

It’s like a black and white ad 

A corner conversation 

One talking 

One turned his head 

She was left alone 

But it was all her fault he said . 

It reads clear 

Will you sit with me a while 

Just to hear me breathing 

I used to listen to your heart beating  

As you passed out every night 

As I laid alone 

No love . 

As I am 

Alone now 

It’s all my fault he said . 

I pushed him

Away 

He said . 

The crows come closer 

The piano bends 

Now
Nothing

Is
Said . 

Bank Accounts

It’s like that movie Wanted . Where he sits at his mediocre desk In his mediocre life , where his girlfriend is treating him like shit , his job isn’t what he dreamed about and where he lives is a total nightmare . He became his own worst enemy didn’t he ? When do we forget that we have the power to change our life ? Our thoughts , our attitudes . I made a lot of money and had the best body but I wasn’t that happy then either . It’s all about conquering the internal wars and finding peace within yourself . Only letting people rent space in your life who truly love you and support you . 

Most of all love you first . Or you’ll be the guy In the movie wanted where everyone walks on you , you settle for crap and forget why your here . 

Keep going I say . Keep fighting . And live your life don’t just survive it . 

Breakaway

I was a painting in there story 
The kind every one wanted to touch 
I was the star they hung around there necks 

The one they chased they could never catch 

And to you / I was the peasant . 
A fallen rock on the cement . 

How do I go from color 
To black and white graffiti on your walls 

A smile I’m trying to find yesterday . 

The story I’m writing tells a tale of turning the page . 
A princess tossed in the trash . 

I will dust my self off 
Humiliated on this stage 

Light shines bright 
This story ends 

I’m once alone 
But not your peasant 
But a star 

Goals

It’s Monday , I’m off today it’s 8:54 am . I just laid in bed I need to do laundry and possibly make coffee . There is a lot on my mind . But for some reason through all of this I feel peace in my heart . 

Last night my friend asked for advice on her marriage I had no idea there was anything wrong . For 5 years she said they had not had sex . I spoke to her a while . She told me I should be a psychiatrist . I went to college to be one it made me think I should finish . 

I’m everyone’s stopping point for advice 

But I’m never following my own . 

If I could listen to my own self I wouldn’t put up with an ounce of what I have up until this moment . I would’ve said what were you thinking . You deserve to be treated so much better . Where are you Amy ? 

I’m so excited to find myself again to come out of the preverbal blankets and see that my future can be bright . 

God has a purpose to prosper me not to harm me . Why have I been harming myself ? 

I reminded myself on my walk with Raigan to school how important goal journals are . So I’m going to share it with you . 

Get a journal make a goal for physical 

Financial , spiritual and relationship . A 30 day goal for each one . Write the goal down to complete in 30 days . Every single day write down what you did to accomplish that goal ! 

In 30 days you will have accomplished those goals . You will feel better and be working for something and building dreams ! Do it , you won’t regret it . 

I told a friend of mine to do it , he ended up moving across the country he now works for a nfl football team . You never know where you will end up ! 

Change is powerful . God is powerful . Pray for strength and guidance . Get rid of everything bad in your life . Cling on to what is good . Did you know that the Bible says that Satan is the author of confusion ? 

If something is meant for you it should not be confusing . Gods purpose and his will is not confusing . Do what is right . Pick up your sword . 

  

Sent from my iPhone

It’s Winter

Tori Amos has a new Album it’s not my favorite but I’m streaming the song Russia for some reason it’s bringing peace to me in my clouded sky . 

Today is day 5 of my liquid diet . My life was spiraling out of control on every level . Controlling my diet has put me in a different place . Although I feel mostly hungry - most of the time I’m getting used to that feeling . I think with self control I can make the 30 day destination . I made promises to myself in January I need to stay true to myself 

How did I lose myself ? 

1. Was to be my very best physically 

2. Be my best financially 

3. Be in a healthy relationship 

This year I lost my job and my gym membership . My depression spiraled to a suicidal thought process as I lost everything one by one . 

I was making bad decisions . I was not loving myself . It’s October . I’m bound and determined to finish this year the best shape possible and to not let any one treat me badly and make excuses for it . 

I have no idea when I will leave this world I refuse to fill my life with anyone who hurts me or treats me badly . 

We can turn this thing around October 

I have a voice I found her . We can do this alone . 

Let’s go 

- Agent Orange 

Watches

Hope leaves a trail at the door 

It’s locked light shines from beneath the door . 

I hold my dreams in my pocket 

I wish it could rain today . 

I’m searching for the thief 

He has the key . 

Why did he shatter me . 

I’m just a librarian 

Reading books 

And I’m exhausted

When will any one read mine 

When will I matter 

The rabbit tells me it’s time 

Time to go 

 

U Turns

It’s Saturday morning , I wake up abruptly with a splitting migraine . I feel like I had a night out of drinking whisky and the reality is I was up all night having seizures . I fear that my life will also end abruptly , with my seizures and my heart issues . I face my days not taking them for granted and not wasting any precious moment . 

I left this morning for work , when I stopped to get Advil for my head ache I had this urge to drive back home to hug my daughter . I wasn’t sure if she needed it or if I needed it , all I know is I needed to turn around and see her once more . 

I like to get to work early , make sure my paper work and my day is very organized . I knew I’m going back I would just make it in time . 

I turned around drove 20 min back ran in the house and gave her the biggest hug . I love my daughter . I knew she was surprised and happy . But it made my heart happy too . 

I guess we never know what could happen right . Why not turn around or take the extra time to love our loved ones . 

It made my whole day . 

In Recent Events

In recent events of this planet , it seems we just can't make a difference . In the world or the ones around us . But that is not true . We can't give up hope . 

What is your legacy , your mark you want to leave in this world . At your funeral if you died today would they say what you wanted them too ? 

Or is there a different speech you hoped for . Of lost dreams and hopes you let go of . Maybe your already in your grave and stuck . Is being dead in this world as bad as being dead in the after world? 

I think so . 

What is stopping you from really living ? 

We don't know what our last day will be here on earth . How can I or you make a difference ? 

Do your loved ones know they are loved? 

Did you forgive your enemies ? Where does the change begin ? 

That's up to you isn't it ? 

And everyone's mark is different . That's what makes us unique and special . 

Don't forget who you are . 

Cracked

I privately wrapped your heart in my bones
Where were you when I kept you warm
I sank you under white cotton panties
Divided you amongst everything inside my soul
Placed you willingly like a deck of cards
Sat like a king as you laughed at the tears in my eyes

I'm not a beggar in the streets
I held my hand it was the queen

I used to watch you sleep
My heart asking
You
To
Love me .

In return for holding your peices together as they cut me .
I write these stories , because you sit in bed and read
But do you feel the absence
Of
Me .

I lay here now in puddles
Who will hold the peices of me ?

As you sink steady in a bottle
My panties empty
With my fingers
A memory of you and me

Breathing as one
In every moment
In the bed
In the car

I can't erase
Like markers on white board

I'm not a beggar .

You hold the cards now
Spilled on your floor .


When you were awake
I watched you sleeping

You never noticed

I was dreaming

Of you
loving

Me .

One Side Of The Bed

" Quiet places no body knows"

I capture the light of your candle
Protect the fire from her wind
It's cold out .

Here's my sweater and the stain of my lips on your cheek
I pass by like a ghost
I remember that time
That time we laughed at midnight

I spun you a paper clip
Cut out my heart posted it to your computer
With a note
Did you ever read it ?

I left my converse on purpose
So you would ask me back again .

There's a telescope love
Hanging from your lips
As we talk in the morning
You ask me to stay .

I capture your candle
There's a storm outside
Protecting your fire
As it burns my fingers
You remind me that it's cold
It's cold inside .

And I offer you a blanket
And you smile .
And my heart is beating
In origami  notes un finished
Never written .

The stain of my kiss left on old cups
As our song plays on the radio

Saved on Polaroids
In empty drawers
Left with blisters .

Brush Fire

I'm listening to Gohst 36 by NIN , some how fitting for the day that's grey and not just because of the clouds . I feel like I'm coming out of the darkest alley , alluminating it's large clouds and I have barely escaped her . I catch my breath for a moment , I see the brightness of the future beyond the road . I just have to get there . I'm tired , my armor the last thing standing . What does it feel like to lose at war ? He says to me , no it's just begun my dear . Have you ever just wanted a boring life ?

Typically that statement would be like scratches on the chalk board , but I envision we all feel this way in battles . Have you ?  War teaches us who we are . Doesn't it ? I see it , seems so close . The place where there is no pain , and time she mocks me . But I'm still going . Still fighting . So can you

Intersection

It's that kind of pain , it can't be changed or made better . The kind you can't fix or stop . You know the kind that is so bad you can't cry or speak . That pain , the kind when someone you love hurts you they don't love you the way you loved them . What do you do with that pain that kills you in the pit of your stomach ? Your heart can't escape it . Everything you once knew destroyed . No going back . Your in a car accident watching over your own dead body alone in the intersection , no one there but yourself . That's where I'm at . That kind of love . That kind of pain .

The Way It Goes

I walked into the store this morning with my head down to the ground . Have you ever had that feeling ? Where you just lost all your dignity ? I began to silently laugh at myself , I mean what else could I do . It was either commit suicide or laugh . I mean this in all seriousness . 

I laughed at the fact I had no money because I've had no job for 3 months . How I survived this long I don't know . I laughed because I have no food but I had 4 dollars on my food stamp card to buy eggs this morning . I laughed because I have not been able to get my hair done and it was a mess piled on top of my head , and what a sight was I to the crowd in the store . I laughed because I was wearing a pretty dress but my legs were orange and white stripped from the attempt to tan myself with cheap lotion because I can no longer afford to go tan . I was a joke . 

As I put my head down further I actually began to laugh out loud . Maybe like a crazy person . As I thought of how my phones been shut off . 

As I made my way to the eggs as quietly as I could to not cause any attention to my self I went to pick them up and they fell to the ground breaking all over the store . Yes , I laughed again . What do all these people think of me ? Is she crazy or homeless ? 

As I walked the walk of shame to the cash register I thought well things could always be worse right . 

Tried to count my blessings on my drive home .

Skeleton orchestra

This worlds nothing more than a magic show , though tragic at times and encased in woe , it all works out , of this truth I know . - Zack Hemsey

A calloused drum set in scars 

Amid the winter under your chest 

So close to the fingers that search 

In her sunlight . 

He drops his head . 

There's a war , she marches 

Nothing gained in the winning . 

He walks out to the ocean 

Hoping to drowned 

But he stopped breathing long ago 

We're alive in an arrow 

Walking aimless 

Guided by the pain 

It's cold in here . 

As I pass through you . 

My heart stops in the hall way . 

No oxygen 

I try to let the light in 

The side walk leads to you 

Also leads to me 

Grab my hand 

A calloused drum set in scars 

Under perfect chest 

So close to fingers grabbing under 

Bone 

Close to my ears 

Wanting you to come home

Check Please

There's always that point right in life when things are so bad and the decline makes everything dark and foggy . It's that unexpected moment when everything in you that fights for love , for life and it has no return that you just check out . Have you ever been there ? In life where you lose everything ?
There isn't anyone there when it happens . It's like suicide , you are alone and you just check out .

They say karma comes back to us . I don't believe that , evil people have it all and the loving people can also have nothing . I always made goals and beat them . My trainers and bosses call me a fighter .

I do my best to live with integrity and to love others . Here I am checking out . This is my moment .
In life there is only so much pain one person can take and enough loss that they can't take it anymore

It's the time when you see no one , it's the time when all you live on is strength because all your glory is gone .


I've never been in such a low place but in this place I see God clear , now I just need him to save me
From this very dark place . Where only he can reach me .

Life

What good is it to have a voice when he doesn't hear you
Or care
Time to use your voice
Some place else

Where your appreciated and never mistreated . Life is to short to settle .

Films

Living life in subtitles black and white
Flipping through pages of these bed sheets
Wondering about time .
Regrets are like un painted fences
Waiting on the wrong houses to become right

I sit on the porches - alone watching the sun rise

It's like an un written book
As you steal my pages and autograph your name so it's not forgotten .

So now I'm flipping magazines .
I'm homeless in this street

I hear our song playing on the radio today
Means something different when you couldn't find those words to say .

As he turned his back on me
He says do you love me ?

Subtitles become something
I just don't want to read .

I'm walking home tonight .

Broken Bottles

Sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most treat us with the most disregard
And all that's promised is brushed under a rug and forgotten
Sometimes we put everything into something and we become a door mat
And the one we trusted the most turns there back on us .

Sometimes we learn the hard way that we wernt loved we were lied to
And everything we have meant nothing
And nothing was seen because they can't see past themselves

Maybe we knew it all along but we didn't listen to ourselves
We thought love could save someone or change someone

But the love has to come from within them selves .

So they throw you away like yesterday's trash .

Learning another lesson . But just remember when someone wants you to be there  doormat . Just say nah

- Amy

Homes

I knew it from the beginning 

From across the room 

I held steady 

You held the door for me 

Told me you were bad for me .... 

Beginnings don't turn into endings 

Not like this 

I can't believe in open doors closing 

As we stood in the cracks 

Whispering 

I love you ...... 

I feel you across the room 

Even when you are not here 

Disbelief drowns my tears 

Maybe I'll stay in this locket 

Forever - 

Maybe 

The crows fly over to pick up what's left of the wounded 

All these letters remain unfinished . 

Maybe I'm the only one broken in this 

Yet I remain here 

In the cracks of the door way 

Listening to wind funnel through 

Rapture

I am aching inside silk panties
wet in your bedroom hidden in pictures
Kiss me in the morning , Let me run away in you .


Your smile creases my heart
as you rest on my lips
I am lost in you .


Between the words that get lost
under cotton and innocence
you kiss me.

Tomorrow I'll be a memory on your fingers
touching me
deep
inside

I'll make you believe  you're the King
Of hearts.

Breathe in me new life
handcuff me to your eyes.
Chasing you in the dark

Make me blind
Finding places in me
I never knew survived

I am the candle in your hallway
I want to find your secrets
tucked away in the dark.

Im aching for you
As you bury deep inside of me

Under my bones

Kiss me in the morning
I want to run away in you

Shoe Strings

Indecision is decision she said. Muted heart burnt sand.
Help me to find my voice again, I'm standing in the hall
record plays our song. I have no idea what to say,
except that you helped me find my voice again.

Ripped from windows
like a violin on a rainy day
Feel you under this skin

The ocean giving obituaries
Finding peace in your hands

Did you understand
As I etch our names in this old tree
kissing me on the cheek.

I just want to believe
that you don't want to leave

So here is my love letter to you
This time
there is no ends.

Bruises

What would I have to do
For you to see me
If I stood in front of the sun ?

If you pulled out from in front of your mirror
Burned some old pages In your library
That collect dust
Collect sadness and stories of anger

I'm not the librarian
With wire rimmed lense
Filing away this -

And all of this
Drowns me

I'm no victim
You have to meet me on the shore
But darling you ain't walking on water

So let's start this again
These books are over due -

I'm not a librarian
I'm a lover
I'm a fighter

What does it take for you to see me
I'm not you
I'm not her
I'm not yesterday

I don't know what love is

Could you
Write me the story

Give an orphan a home

Cuz you ain't
Walking on water

I'm here on the shore
With our fire

Do you love her ?

As she stands in front of the sun
Screaming your name

Lights On

Tell me a hundred secrets that make you the path I climb on
Push me out this door
I'll come back through your window

I'm not sure about the beginnings
But I know I'll erase - this ending
What are endings for -

All these whispers in the dark
Can I hold your fingers
Steady off the ledge

Can I hold your wrist
Broken from the fall

I'm just time
Inside this clock
Ticking quietly inside your heart

Did you need me here
Do you want me here

I'm looking for a hero
The kind that watches for me - through this window

Can't let me go
Won't let me go

It's how the song goes
It's how we go .

I'm leaving the lights on
And I don't know about the beginnings

But the ends I'm erasing
Like old shoe laces
Old songs on the radio

If you push me
I'll climb back in

If you push me
I'll climb back in

To find your here
Give me your hands

- Amy Everett

The Real Fight

It's 9 a.m. I'm at work , it's hard to concentrate today . Worst of all I can't find my head phones so my life is falling apart . ( not entirely ) I have been lost the past few days . Yesterday I broke down and cried in my car . I wasn't sure why , then it hit me . Like some realization from the sky hit my heart and there it was . For 3 months I have felt numb and confused . When we people let you down the ones you trusted the most , I learned to except it and move on . I didn't realize it was causing me to be callused . Maybe I let it go , yes . But the disappointment harbors fear . I couldn't feel much of anything . I have a new person in my life giving me tons of love , and I could see it like looking out a window . But I can't feel it . How do I take it in ? When your lost in everything that has destroyed you

How do I shake it ? I asked myself for months . I wanted to give up , not on him , but myself . What does someone do with pain ? I wanted to hand my heart over to him , in my hand and say please take it ! Just take it ! But would he break it even farther to the nothing that had been left on the ground ?

Someone else can't fix that . Yesterday I sat in my car and it hit me . I began to grieve all the beliefs that led me there to that moment . It's a journey isn't it ? Fighting to not be numb . I remember a time I fought to not feel at all . But I want to feel everything he has to give me , not the pain that paralyzes me from giving my heart again.

I need to brave I told myself . Give myself the chance to live . I've been an orphan to love . And it's time I found a home .

My home in you

Agent Orange

Perfect

Yesterday's ashes fall from the sky over head
A shadow looms over my path
Like a broken forest fragmented into stained glass
The crows wait on their branches

I'm just one girl
Who will make it

There's a heart broken
Around my neck

Grasping at the other half

What is it to live a dying day
The finish line in my hands

I'm stronger than the wolves who wait in the dark

I'm just a girl
Dark eyes , funny lips

Even though there's darkness
I'm the light

A small frame in the alley
Holding the keys
The dreams I never let go of

There's a broken heart around my neck
I'm grasping at the other half

Tell me what all this means
My converse are tired
But I'm never weak

I'm almost done
As the ash settles on lashes
Over spent all the miles -

They don't want me to see the beauty
Of what was always

Inside me .

Apastrophe

The siren plays her music in the crowd
Like the last song for the day
The devil takes her hand
All hands on fate

She holds an Ace
Lipstick left on white spaces
Losing bets

It was all we had left she said
The raven waits in haste
Typing letters with no stamps
Who could've saved her , he says .

The sky begins to rust my pockets
Notes turn to ashes
Eyes become darkness .

Let it go , she says .
Shot glass empty

I wake up
Alice is listening to the doors opening
Doors closing

Where will she go next
As the devil whispers

Love is not dead
He said

So I decided to remove my mask -

Today's Relationships

So here I am , it's been a very long time since I've written a blog post .The Used is playing Poetic Justice. I'm laying in bed , I haven't slept in a week . My throat is killing me . This month has been such a roller coaster I think I'm just throwing myself in and out of things and I'm so lost at everything I once knew has become not . So where do we begin . I think when it comes to relationships , even though every one is different , I'm not guessing any more . So this is my advice to all of you . If they don't tell you how they feel , assume they don't feel it . I used to think actions meant more than words, my second part of advice is you better get both .  When someone wants something there isn't an excuse of why they can't get it or won't . When you want something you will do whatever it takes to get it and furthermore not lose it .  If your dating someone and their chasing other girls , how serious are they about getting to know you ? If someone loves you but isn't there for you , what good is that love . I've had it with cowards I'll tell you this . Do not settle . If your chasing something that's not chasing you , then walk away .

Life is short .

Agent Orange

The Way To Run

There's a light I chase 

Some where beyond this song 

Half past fates secrets 

I hear them alone in the dark

Chase me after dark 

I'll save you from the winter 

Hold me close don't let me fall 

I'll chase away your anger 

Better now than ever 

Standing in the middle of this war

Never ever leaving this place - 

My hand is holding out 

Holding out for yours

I'm running through the forest 

No direction 

But I know you'll save me

I'm here 

To save you from the disregard of every yesterday - 

I hide in your safe . 

Like this perfect holiday . 

All I ever wanted you to know 

Is your my favorite song 

My favorite t shirt the one I always wore 

The one you never throw away 

Tattered and stained 

We are

My hand is out 

Waiting for yours . 

Chase me 

There is no winter here 

Hold me close 

I'll exchange sadness for joy 

Your my favorite song 

My favorite day 

I knew it 

All 

Along . 

Never thrown away . 

Sent from my iPhone