HappYness

 I couldn’t make it up if I tried . I was promised a bonus at the end of February . Now that I get bonuses I can pay my bills just fine , as I waited eagerly for pay day ( you guessed it no bonus ) 

I fought with HR it didn’t make sense , I wondered what was God teaching me. I been barely holding on with my new job. Pushing and pushing bills until bonus time . Pushing my electric bill to now $700. I refused to get scared I just had faith . 

Why God . When will this season be over . Today was the last day of my eviction . No miracles came in , it was just and is me and God . Nothing else could save me at this point . 

This morning as I grabbed my shoes for work I felt something in the bottom of my shoe , I took it off , there it was a dead lizard ! I screamed . I’m guessing my cats thought it was lovely gift they left me . I’m never wearing my shoes again . 

 Did I mention I had no sleep I was up all night due to a seizure and now I was to go to work with a big fat smile on my face because I’m the opening manager . I have to lead with positivity 

As I drove to work I spoke out loud to God asked him why ? 

I do the run down , of biblical promises . It goes something like this …. Dear God , I try every day to honor you and to be thankful . I don’t drink or smoke or have sex . I try not to sin why are you mad at me ?!! 

Honestly I don’t have an answer except I feel alone and now I’m telling God as I lay here in my bed I’m scared . 

Where do we go ? What happens now ? How am I losing everything when I’ve always been the one to give away everything . 

Tonight I made a decision for my daughters sake to make a nice dinner and watch the pursuit of happiness , that movie hits home 

But now I ask what’s next . If you are reading this pray for us . 

What’s my Season

 It’s Friday night at 5:22 p.m. I have a story . I promised I would I’m on my lunch break at work , hopefully this comes out as wise and as insightful as it’s meant too . 

God teaches me something different in every season . This past year I couldn’t understand what he was trying to teach me and honestly it made me lose my faith ….. a little . 

You see me and Jesus are pretty tight . I have many gifts from the bible ( gift of wisdom , discernment ) are my most prominent gifts . So God is always talking to me . But at some point last year he seemed to go silent . I started to wonder if I failed , or if he completely stopped loving me . I was worried even that I had lost my salvation !!!! Where was he ? 

I was very successful at my job , made great money traveled. I prayed every day read my bible .  Life was great until it wasn’t . 

One day I began to lose everything . Little by little . My income, my health , my daughter’s health ( huge accident ) my job I worked so hard for many years . 

All slipping away . I would pray day and night and nothing . I begged and pleaded with God - nothing . 

My entire life had begun to change everything that was plenty became a desert . 

Now here comes the odd part but stay with me . I was driving home praying and crying and there in the sky no joke a huge whale right in front of me . A cloud in a perfect whale almost like it was painted .  So , ok God the story of Jonah ? I thought I’m obedient ? I try to never sin !!! What are you telling me ? 

In my mind I thought I could be mistaken . Was I ? Then a friend reached out to me ( Shannon) days later she told me that my life was like Jonah and the whale she sent me paragraphs . 

I thought ok …. I’m listening . I continued to lose and lose . Eviction notices , not being able to buy food , more hospital visits . What’s the message ?!!! 

I think I got it .  Patience  !  I don’t have any of that therefore I’m not to good with faith sometimes . I had it all . But what happens when it’s gone ? There’s no one to lean on ? Nothing . 

I feel like I’m in a dark room and God has a big light shinning on me . Maybe he never left he was just saying trust me . 

As I write this tears stream down my face . You know last year God told me who my husband is going to be he told me to do nothing . Wait on him . 

Everything about this season has been so hard . The hardest I have ever been through . But I’m here God listening and waiting

Knowing I have to have faith that I will get through this season through the land of milk and honey . 

End Times 2 Timothy

 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of

themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God- 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Read full chapter

3 This know also, that in the last days perilous times-

ail come.

1. For men shall be love of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
2. Without natural

affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,

1. Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
2. Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

Precise

 Window shatters as I wave goodbye. I screamed but I heard nothing . Is helpless and hopeless mean the same things . 

I couldn’t see you . But you heard me , didn’t you . 

Life has left me with so many scars . Unrecognizable 

Fallen stars . 

You kiss me one last time as the phone hangs up 

I don’t want to turn to salt . As I embrace the night air with my finger tips . Never finding you there . 

But I hear you . 

Lost between jacket buttons , and yellow lines . 

It’s clear 

Thin Line

 There isn’t a soul on this earth who knows what I’m going through , or what Raigan is going through. I have to be a happy leader , no matter what cost. 

I wish I could tell everyone so I didn’t feel so alone. But I can’t do that either . All I have is my prayers . 

Bandage (1)

 Critical condition - runs up the spine - memories run down the veins 

Expecting to survive this , just another day . 

It’s just a typical moment spent . 
Why do I feel like this . 

Maybe I thought this was my seine. 

Not the blade . 

They say I’ll be just fine , but it’s about more than tonight . 

Right . 

I’m so full of finger prints with no hand to hold , as I watch the clouded sky . 

Critical condition , they say not to worry I’ll be just fine . 

But it’s about this life - spent . 

Can you see the dust settling . Expecting to survive - another day 

The ocean folds over again telling her story , 

But we both know it’s more than just this . 

When my seine becomes fray . 

But they say - you’ll survive another day .

Entrance

 I’m in a parking lot , it’s dark and I’m listening to Normal The Kid. It’s a shame to walk around a bit heart broken and have to smile at the same time . There’s an audience who will beg for your attention , your love they take away your freedom, only to want your light when they are in a dark place . So their connection becomes toxic . 

I wanted to love you , to save you , but only God can do that the way you need it. My love will never be enough and the love you lack in yourself I can never fill that void 

Here I am alone . Raining on the inside bustling through empty crowds , a secret I hide inside my heart . 

I tried to hold on . But did you know the entire time you were pushing me away ? 

There’s nothing I can do as I stand on this  stage with bags of empty promises . 

I asked God yesterday to empty my pockets to see what was left and I was left with none . 

What’s next I can’t imagine . Always walking this road alone . 

Faith . 

Gutted (1)

 I couldn’t imagine my life with out you 

As I drive each white fence seems to get longer . 

I know you hear me . Sometimes demons get the best of us . 

Love just isn’t enough . 

I see your broken bones . 

I see your black eyes . Now drawn . 

I hear you from amongst the vast sea . Life has a way of drowning us 

Luckily I survived . 

Maybe fingers were meant to let go 

But it doesn't mean the prints fade 

From my face . 

From my picture frames . 

I’m always here inside you 

When you need me . 

I know you can hear me 

Everything will be alright . 

Long Distsnce (1)

 You say the right things at all the right times . 

Opening doors closed long ago 

There’s something in your voice 

Feels like home . 

If I put your initials with mine on the tree outside , will it last or will it fade away , 

Your my Romeo to Juliet in a Bonny and Clyde way - 

I can’t wait to see . 

I can’t wait to see how it goes 

I can’t wait to see 

I can’t wait to see you

You 

And if it’s ever cold outside 

You can’t find your way home 

I promise I’ll be the light on your porch 

I promise to never hurt you 

I promise 

I promise to never disappoint you 

I promise 

I promise I’ll never leave your porch dark . 

I just want to be your home .