Passes

 I caught my breath 

Standing on this ledge alone 

There’s not much to say 

Except / I am the world 

You can’t try to paint your colors on me 

But I am not your canvas . 

I am the one who walked through the fire 

I survived this . 

You can’t push me over this ledge 

Held together by your paper clips 

I’m needle and thread . 

I count my joy in the sky with every star that is shining . 

I can’t feel the numb of your presence 

Of the blind . 

I am my own canvas 

Yours black and white 

Carlsbad Village Drive and Vince

 This story isn't maybe what you think it might be. Carlsbad Village Drive is my favorite place to go . But that isn’t what this story is about either. Every time I go when I get off the freeway there is the same homeless man at the corner right there by the gas station every day . There is something special about him. First I noticed every morning he does daily exercises I also notice he quite older and dresses every day in his black leather jacket I wonder what in life got him there 

He could be a grandfather , a father , a son. He is a cute man who always wears pink sunglasses and as I drove by him every day I couldn’t take not knowing him or not helping him 

I stopped the other day to help him. My daughter and I brought him food his name is Vince. This story is about Vince

He was so polite and kind . I wish I had the money to give him a home. We stop to see Vince frequently most of the time he won’t take my money because he says I’m a single mom I mean seriously ? Vince you have no home !!! 

If anyone goes to Carlsbad Village gets off the 5 he is always by the gas station in a black leather jacket pink glasses and grey beard . Please help him . I only have so much to give 

Vince is amazing and I’m asking for help. Thank you 

True Miracle

 This isn’t an average story of tales or politics. It’s a story a personal story I need to share in light of what’s been going on and what I’ve come to know. Let me put in my head phones really quick and I will tell you. Last week a young man prayed over my seizures stating God wanted to heal me. Of course I said yes. God has healed many things in my life but this has been the biggest challenge, the scariest and most potential fatal health issue I have. He put his hands on my shoulders he began to pray . As he prayed God spoke to him about my back as well . He commanded my epilepsy to go and my spine to be alined. As he prayed at first I felt nothing but as he prayed I felt this over whelming sadness come from inside I began to cry . From deep within . It was more then the epilepsy God was upon us and those were buried wounds from a tired soldier. 

As he finished praying I looked up at him , his hands were covered in oil . Yep oil . Anointed from God himself. We were in the middle of an empty room . His hands were previously on my jacket . I knew we were anointed . 

If you don’t believe in God I’ve seen it for myself his wonders in so many things and I have a thousand stories. 

But the best is the stories I have from having a personal relationship with him. You can’t have a personal relationship with Jesus and harbor hatred . You can’t have one snd not have compassion for your enemies or the poor and most of all I’ve learned in your walk with Christ you cannot have fear. 

God Is love if you are not love God is not in you . His love cast out fear and hatred . I don’t know where my life is going but my life is in his hands.  People will try to control you or cause you to have fear . They are not walking with God or they would know his great power on your life . 

I just want to say seek God it doesn’t matter how the world is now something bigger is going on. Evil is at work . Be the good in this world . Seek God . He will never fail you . 

The Reason

 I think when you finally love someone in a way you couldn’t explain to someone else. The perfect love in that the relationship it’s self was far from perfect but the love was unconditional. I fought with more then what I ever had. I escaped barely alive. It didn’t work out but I sacrificed everything to make it work. It’s not the come and go love but it was the soul mate kind of love. Where you ultimately give everything of ones self even put all that you are aside for someone else. To love to forgive to die to yourself. 

To even lose them is beside the point. But I’m losing was a death in it’s self to spend time in mourning. It’s all of this is why I’m single. It’s all of this is why I wait on God for healing , for the next step, comes so cautiously. 

I grabbed my fathers hand ( Jesus ) told him I won’t let go and I promised Jesus I would trust him in guidance . You can’t replace a shattered soul with on line dating or just any come and go prospect . 

It’s up to the king of kings now.once you’ve gone through the pain , you learn to give your heart to God for protecting and it’s up to him now who gets it next or maybe it will stay with him but at least I know it’s safe: 

For now we are healing and chasing After Jesus. So even though I wish so much to be married or to have that void filled. I also know what it takes to fill it. So if someone ask why I’m single this is why , it’s up to Jesus . Because that’s where we’re at . Thank you Lord for grabbing my hand when I needed it the most . And being the man I needed and giving an orphan to love , and bringing her love when she had none 

Every Day

 Every Day . 

Did I leave you with the scent of my words 

The kind you can’t wash off your skin 

The ones you can’t un-see 

In this dim world the stars tip there hat 

Am I the light you secretly hold on too - 

Was I the lost weapon hidden under your drawers . 

I escape with lacerations - 

I escape on the mend . 

One thing is for sure 

I can’t let you forget 

Because every day remains the same 

Here you are on my ribs I see your name 

It’s the truth in blood 

Coursing through your veins 

Impossible to dis / spell 

When souls that are one 

Never - can be two. 

It’s the kind of pain you enjoy 

It’s the pain you hold on too 

Because it’s the only way 

I can’t lose 

You . 

-Amy Everett

Tree House ( List )

 Tree House 

It’s not the same as the razor takes to the sky 

And I zip up the waves say good night 

Place all my memories inside 

I drive . 

Where do I go 

Where you are not behind me 

Where do I go 

Where you are not inside me 

I see you here 

I see you there 

I write you these stupid letters 

And they go no where . 

I’m black I’m white . 

You’re  a burst of light 

Maybe there will be nothing I can never do 

But here you are 

The life in my eyes 

The blood in my heart 

The bones in my hands 

It hurts 

But what can I do 

It’s smoke in the air 

Evaporating 

As my pain sinks into my skin like a hot knife melting over and over again 

But I would do it again just to see your smile . 

My list is a blank page . 

I sit in this tree alone . 

You know I carved our names 

You know you are my home . 

-Amy Everett

Fall

 Well well a new year comes upon us. I’m hoping that all this virus stuff ends after the election I hate how it’s ruining everything. I am an adventurer I love taking my daughter here and there and every where. Farmers markets, museums, hiking

it seems like we have been in this twilight zone all year. Last year seemed like we were all on the up and up all to crash down. We’re in slow motion and kids need to be in school. A study shows children being home causes emotional issues even addictions. I myself gained ten pounds not moving as much as I used to. So here we are. I’m ordering a set on Amazon for only 99 dollars make a cool little gym at the park could be fun . 

Trying to pick up old drams again and put on happy faces for 2021. I going to start a contest prep in 2 weeks that won’t be easy but I need it mentally. It will push me in the right direction. I’ve started school to get my certificate in nutrition and personal training, also nutrition for addicts and marathon running . I want to be diverse in my knowledge. I want to help others win. I love people . I’ve always been in sales to help others but I know I’m meant for more. No one can hold me back in the corporate world when I can own my own business. I’m about to go into some hard training but around March I’ll be a new improved version of myself. 

Still no dating. I want so badly to be married. I been alone for years now. But this is in Gods hands . All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and I feel very alone in my journey but I have to keep pushing. I love woman and I love supporting woman and I think this is going to give me an opportunity to help others. 

Cheers to the rest of 2020  

Virus

 What this virus has meant for me. I obviously know it’s a scam and honestly I’ve worked 14 hour days for so long I never had time off to be with my daughter. This was almost a blessing at first the shut down. But now as unemployment stops paying and time stands still things are beginning to get dark. I’m two months behind on my car and I’m now resorting to bread and water for food. How did it get this bad? 

I can’t afford to drive to the gym or tan much less buy food and In all this I’ve learned there are no resources. I got denied for food stamps, so where do single moms go? I have applied for a thousand jobs and have gotten none I even applied for jobs I’m over qualified for and can get nothing. So where does this leave us having faith in God? 

That’s all I have is God. We need a miracle. I think Newsome is an evil man who shuts everything down and gives nothing to the people who have lost everything. What is in store for this country? 

Today is Friday I don’t know where our food will come from or what will happen next and I’m sure it’s the same for millions of others. So we just pray. 

Eviction

 I couldn’t recall not loving you 

The way I tell this story so many times 

Like the oceans hands ever changing but the map always remains the same 

My eyes turn grey over the years 

Watching the sunset alone 

Hoping you will return home . 

Your the letter left in the mail 

The answer I’m waiting to come 

Home . 

The days grow long 

I never give up . 

It’s a new dawn . 

I sit here on the ledge of the unknown 

Counting the night as she hides the stars 

So I might not wish any more . 

Love does not die . 

Love does not forget 

I have not forgotten you . - Amy Everett

How To Date

 Last year I was going to start a business for men on how to date and how to get any girl they wish. Due to work I never finished my online project so here are tips that will work 100% of the time. 

1. Put forth effort. Find out what she likes and do those things

It shows you are interested in who she really is as a person. Woman get hit on all the time for sex. ALL the live long day but what man takes the effort to listen, do research and act. 

Also - putting in effort does not mean we want your money exc we just want to know like hey I’m special and your serious. 

2.Never ever talk about sex. Until you’ve completed number 1 so good she is begging to give it to you. If you do number 1 above you won’t have to ask . 

3.when you compliment her do not make it sexual until you have reached number 2. But still follow this rule always. Use emotional compliments ! Woman are not men. For example man you have a nice laugh, you have a beautiful smile or you are pretty or you seem like a strong woman . 

4.If a girl feels like you are serious she will stop her day to talk to you or see you. If she does not you did not complete acts 1-3. And you need to go through these again 

5. If you can careless about this don’t waste a woman’s time or your own because someone else will come and do these steps and she won’t talk to you anymore. Also if you don’t care go find a one night stand at a bar with no morals 

So their you go you are welcome 

Ropes -Repost (1)

 Ropes . 

If I’m the cause why am I alone 

The train station is empty 

It’s half past the time and I’m left here 

I’m wearing your sweat shirt 

Time is paused as life keeps pushing forward . 

I’m stuck here in the shade of this good bye 

It’s raining under these eyes 

Black is the day 

Black is the night . 

I wasn’t born to live this way 

I deserve to have someone by my side 

I’m here alone writing these rhymes 

I dream of another kind of life 

I won’t stand here paralyzed 

Not for long 

You get my drift 

I bought my ticket 

Not sure when the next train is comin 

You had so many chances 

I don’t deserve a life like this 

I know you know this 

I know as you read this 

We all make our choices 

One pill 

One bottle 

And I 

Packed my bags 

It’s way past the time between where I will go and where I been . 

Maybe we can love and let go . 

Maybe you can fight a little harder 

But I shouldn’t be the one writing this 

It’s all on the table 

Every morning I pray over and over 

I’m paused as life pushes us forward 

But I bought my ticket 

Time is a ticking 

Isn’t it 

As hearts are breaking 

I deserve more then this 

-Amy Everett

Center Of The World

 It’s Thursday night, as I listen to Taylor Swifts new song Exile it fits me and I put it on repeat as I struggle to write this blog. I watched the movie I think it’s called I can only imagine. Forgive my mistakes and errors tonight in punctuations and such. Any way this movie gave me hope my ex would find Jesus and be healed and come back all better just like the movie. I thought if I prayed every moment had faith , it would happen. 

I been single for over a year and he never came back. I’m writing this blog about Gods plan. It’s much bigger than my ex. In his passing( not in death ) but my life. I learned that God has a plan , even though I was clutching my very own plan for dear life I realized I was not God( obviously ) I’m no healer.  So here we are learning. Learning is more then faith in our own plans it’s having faith in Gods plan. Super scary. 

This means new job maybe or new whatever it is for you it could just mean healing and that’s what it meant for me. 

Also trusting my Lord with my life and most importantly my heart. Now my prayers are different. They go something like please just show me the way. 

I still pray for my ex every day for him to find Jesus but I also pray for Gods will. In this I’ve been healed from so much pain. 

Well Wishes

What I thought would happen is that God would create a miraculous healing and I would be getting married in Yosemite and my life would be great . As I come back to reality I’ve been alone and single forever since you left and now I’m married to God. I’ve learned to wait on him. What are Gods plans? I’ve decided to live every day to the fullest whatever it was God gave me that day. Whether it’s demanding respect from people or just loving my daughter I decided to show up in life. I’m not sure at 42 where I’m going . I wish I had a house a husband but I’m here. Me and Raigan she is my life . Maybe God will bless me with Yosemite someday but for now he’s blessed me with a beautiful daughter to go on adventures with and pray with and give my whole heart too . 

 

Minuscule (1)

Minuscule 

It’s a leaky pen 

Right . 

In your pocket . 

The white one in the closet . 

That’s the moment 

That keeps bleeding as you search 

The sky line and our eyes never quite meet 

I know you sit on roof tops 

I’m glad your alive 

But it’s like leaving a window open 

Feeling the wind on my face 

Never let go 

Never think I can 

I can be the latter 

And meet you half there 

With all these questions hanging in the air 

But I know there’s nothing I can do 

I know I can no longer reach you 

As I trace your name on my ribs 

I won’t regret loving you 

I wouldn’t of known love with out you . 

I can’t even say it with out crying 

I can’t think of it with out dying . 

You were my compass 

I’m now lost . 

But I would’ve rather had a part of you 

Then nothing at all . - Amy Everett

Black Bath (1)

Black Bath 

Im a tale tell sign of things to come 

As I throw the dice somethings come up 

But never quite happening 

My world is ever black and white . 

Are you the ghost 

Or the puzzle . As I kiss your scars and all the mistakes I made , if you shot me you would see I was the gun all along . 

Why can’t they see 

I am everything with out you 

And I’m everything I don’t pretend to be 

It’s just one wish in the acid rain 

As it eats me away 

Do you see me here ? 

Do you hear me . 

I didn’t think so 

Every night I go to bed alone . 

- Amy Everett

42 and Single

I know how I got here, it’s been a long road. I invested my all in people that took it no where, sucked who I was dry left me for dead. I been single for well  about 2 years that’s my choice I wanted to . 

Now that my healing is coming to a close I’m missing something. I feel it inside . Apart of me I never cared about before . I haven’t been looking for anyone I hate ( hate ) when people say when your not looking it comes because I’m not a looker and I’m here alone . I never get hit on ever I’m certainly not going to date online. I begin to wonder am I all wrong for every guy ? 

I search any room I’m in I go un noticed. I’m usually fine that but as time now passes I’m wondering will I always be invisible? Is it just not yet my time ? I’ve never been a dater per say I’m to old to waste my time . 

I’m old fashioned I guess I think when it’s here it will come.  But I just don’t think anyone’s coming . I wanted to be married by 42. But my focus is still the same gym, God, daughter , but there is no one outside of that. 

All I can do is pray . That someone will see me . 

Someday right . 

The Big Clock

It’s about 7 am it’s Friday . I’m tired of the virus , the riots and all the craziness outside my window. It’s changed my world this year but not for the worst so far but for the better 

I try to stay positive in these times. Try to look at the glass half full seems cliche but it’s true. It’s 2020 I’m 42. I haven’t dated in almost 2 years because of a really bad break up but what this time has given me is time to reflect and time with my daughter . I was working morning noon and night , commuting hours on the freeway, managing stress from work bullies and the stress to perform on top of that I had no time to heal to see where I was at . 

I’ve come full circle . I wonder if I’m ready to date . In my mind I’m fine by myself . I couldn’t bear the heart ache again but then I think what would I be looking for . Then I think about him . I realize I haven’t let him go . I’m ok with healing process . 

All I know is I’m just fine with living in the moment and being a mom and trying to find a job I love where I can actually inspire people not just sell people on who I am and what I’m selling to make a living , I want to make a difference . This is my time . I feel like things need to happen I’m at the final destination of where it needs to fall into place and I’ve done my fare share of falling. 

I urge everyone to look within today instead of the news or outside chaos. Be your best authentic self or create it ! 

Medford (1)

There is no one else for me 

You were it 

We made a promise to each other 

You didn’t hold up your end of the bargain 

But I did 

You see 

I never loved anyone else 

Never gave to anyone else 

It’s always been you 

I think it was hard for you to get better 

I prayed every day 

Even when you never said sorry 

For repeatedly slapping me in the face 

All I can think is you never meant to hurt me 

Even though you did 

Maybe that’s why your gone 

I don’t know . 

All I know is I pray every day for God to provide 

For what’s best for me and raigan 

It does not have to be a man 

Just food clothes and a job 

I pray your ok 

I look you up sometimes like an angle secretly praying for you 

Hopefully the prayers help 

Forever yours 

Amy 

Not A Note .

Last year at this exact time I had a six pack and I was dreaming of marrying my ex boyfriend. An ex that was not there for me and my point is last year I was where I wanted to be physically but not mentally. I was in a dark place it took anything to make me cry , bullies took advantage of it. I was at my very best and at my very worst  all at the same time.I was fragile and so broken .

I wanted to be better and different but I didn’t know how. It’s not that I’m not a survivor or strong I just was so heart broken I was not surviving it was not from one man it was a hundred past hurts of old friends or family or all of it hitting me at once . It was taking the time to find self love and value and knowing I was enough.

I got the flu in December I was sick for a few months missed gym time . Then this now here I am , I lost my six pack and I’m trying to get it back but mentally I’m better .

So where would I rather be ? A six pack and broken or better and ten pounds heavier . I’m trying to find the balance it’s taken some time , some time alone . I see people partying and families but it’s taken a lot of healing for me and prayer to learn and to grow . I’m coming back better and stronger then I was last year . I’m attaching my picture from last year . Hopefully I’ll have the best Christmas ever and right back where I was and smiling on the inside !

True (1)

It’s the grave we bury our heads in
As we pledge allegiance to whatever the crowd says
Am I enough
Was I ever enough to stand here
If I ever was the one to scream in the dark
I would say an indecision
Is no decision at all

It’s a violent love
The kind you don’t heal from
You stay somewhere
In the center of time .

I begin to get the feeling I’m a ghost
As I burn old letters but that’s not enough is it
I have a cape to
So why can’t I fly away from here

I sit in imagination
I thrive here
A place for the broken
But I’m healing here

It’s reckless
As the black touches my lips
As my dreams lie silent

I know you hear me
Screaming

But you are stuck in the night
Some say it happens only once

That’s why I’m here
It’s a violent love
The kind you can’t come back from