True (1)

It’s the grave we bury our heads in
As we pledge allegiance to whatever the crowd says
Am I enough
Was I ever enough to stand here
If I ever was the one to scream in the dark
I would say an indecision
Is no decision at all

It’s a violent love
The kind you don’t heal from
You stay somewhere
In the center of time .

I begin to get the feeling I’m a ghost
As I burn old letters but that’s not enough is it
I have a cape to
So why can’t I fly away from here

I sit in imagination
I thrive here
A place for the broken
But I’m healing here

It’s reckless
As the black touches my lips
As my dreams lie silent

I know you hear me
Screaming

But you are stuck in the night
Some say it happens only once

That’s why I’m here
It’s a violent love
The kind you can’t come back from

42 .

Well last year I prayed that I would become so close to Jesus that nothing could shake my faith . I wanted to strip sin away ( even though no one was sinless  obviously ) I knew following him with all my heart and trying not to sin was the only way to be as close to him as possible and learning his word and seeking him so I did. I want to do what it takes no distractions . I have not dated I don’t go out , and I don’t regret how I’ve spent the past year .

I will spend 42 in quarantine my birthday is in a few weeks . I’m also waiting on a call to see if I have cancer . I called today they didn’t have results yet . She said she would call if something was wrong
The office called tonight after hours at 7 pm I missed it some how and no message

It’s at this point no worry arose with in and at this point I realized God brought me here to this unshakable faith . I’m not afraid I have Jesus and Jesus saved me through death a hundred times he saved me from losing the love of my life and healed me from heart break he healed me from so many things I feel like a bionic woman so here we are almost 42.

I can’t die . I need to get married and know what it feels like for someone to actually love me and I know I’m called to do missionary work and I’m not done being a mom .

God has made me David and this world is Goliath .

I decided this year to rent a cabin for my birthday in big bear since the past few years my birthday has been pretty disappointing and ... I’ll invite my son and my sister.

A good relax is what I need right now . But over all I just need to keep my health going . Cheers to another year !

Boy Scouts Honor

I carry my badge it’s all I got 

Somewhere lost in the grave is you : 

A death that I can’t forget as you escape yourself like a magician 

I used to blame myself for your transgression . I carried them on my shoulders : 

But you run the streets at night with your suitcases of pain 

Wondering if anyone notices . 

I escaped your death penalty . 

But I can’t escape you . 

But you are no longer there . 

It’s true sin steals your soul away if you trade it . 

I’m alone now . Only one person can save you any way . 

White Horses

I see you in the smoke I know I can’t save you
I tried and I nearly burned in your fire .
God came on his white horse to rescue me
You wanted to be
Left behind .

I know your in the house it’s burning
I see you
As the past darkens I sit on this white horse
I am free .

It’s not to late for you .
To chose life .
I pray for you in the distance .

As I’m life flighted out of the darkness
He was there standing next to me in the fire .

I know what it’s like to be consumed in pain
I know what it’s like to be saved

Just one way .

Love

God calls us to be Christ like, God is love imagine if we treated everyone with love. It’s 3 am and I can’t sleep because I’m so angry at the way a certain person has treated me in such disregard but yet they claim they love me. But there words do not match there actions. God states exactly what love is and who we should be in Christ. This person obviously is lying and is out for personal gain. So what is one to do? We are called to love no matter what but definitely walk away. The Bible if you read it will help you weed out the counterfeit people in your life but most importantly it teaches us how to not be counterfeit to others . To give love to love others more then ourselves. To seek God first not man or money or anything else . Today is Gods birthday so let’s give love today and also love yourself by not letting the counterfeit break who you are in the Lord . You are valuable and worthy

Amen

Un noticed

It’s almost 2020 and this morning I found my goals from last year for 2019, I text them to myself I never realized it. I accomplished almost every single one the funny thing is I don’t feel like it the year has been rough like sand paper and hard and heavy but at the same time I’ve moved forward and I’ve worked hard and I’ve done a lot of healing. It’s me and Raigan together and a lot of Jesus so here we are 2020. I have a trainer I been working out twice a day although I missed 10 days to this flu but I’ll start back Monday. I have so much faith now and I’m so close to my kids. Now it’s up to God where we go next.

I would love just 2 things I pray for but I have to really thank god for saving me through the worst hardest times of my life . I’m so glad I have my daughter to love, I don’t know what 2020 will bring but I do know I have a new strength and an unshakeable faith in God. No one can take that away

Hospital

It started a week ago. I noticed my heart wasn’t recovering after my runs as usual, my heart wasn’t feeling well I wasn’t sleeping, My heart hadn’t been giving me to bad of issues like this in a while, What was going on I thought. I started drinking more water, today I wasn’t feeling good still I only ran half my normal time. I took my heart medicine to keep my heart rate stable, this always does the trick, things have been stressful this week I’m close to getting In the million dollar club at work and I’m relying on a busy Black Friday weekend to get me there. I had to sell my 800 dollar Tiffany ring to a man online for a 100 bucks to pay bills things have been hard so getting sales will get us back on top. When I sold the ring I was Leary I sent it with proof of signature to avoid scam. The man still claimed the ring was not there this was yesterday. Then tonight my daughter called crying homesick she’s on vacation in Colorado with her dad. Her dad text me that he saw what was really going on? Like that made sense she’s a sad homesick girl. He’s harassing me because she wants to be home:

More stress. As the stress piles on this was the first thanksgiving with out Jerry. My ex. Even though I did the very best thing having him out of my life you know it’s still hard.

So here we are 1 am I wake up to severe chest pain and a heart rate of 158. Am I going to die I thought. Why are people so evil I thought as I waited for the ambulance. I do the right thing every day but that will never stop bad from happening right.

Then as I waited I honestly thought I might die my chest hurt so bad I remembered God told me last week in prayer to not be afraid that he was with me, as the ambulance arrived they checked my heart found something wrong I forget the term it was pouring rain they rushed to me to the hospital and gave me medicine,

As I sat in the hospital the doctor asked do you have stress? How could I answer that? I’m like nah just regular stress. They saw my heart issues but it was not a heart attack thank God because I need to work Black Friday in 4 hours.

So here I am writing this blog. Thankful to be alive. And to say love each other today life is rough.

2019

It’s 11 pm. I just got home and I want to go running but it’s very cold outside.Ive become an introvert in my healing phase I’m ok with that. I’m definitely not an introvert. I’ve just come out of the hardest 2 years of my life. My focus is God, work , my kids and my job. In recreating a new me I’ve realized I crave authenticity. I hate bullshit talk that’s shallow and means nothing, I’d rather be at the gym with my head phones on or with my daughter. My list of friends are quite small but I can count on them and they are my family. Sadly my own brother and sister never call to see how I am. My brother never has once in the entirety of his life. I’m learning at 41 what love means.  I’m transparent we live once I hate politics it breeds fake people I either like someone or I don’t it’s pretty simple. I appreciate the kind people at my job sales is a harsh environment but it should be more dynamic.

I like my job, I love my boss he’s a cool person and outside of all this im lost. What’s next for me at 41. I’m single and alone. Will I ever find someone? I don’t date. Where will my future go.ive lived through great trauma. Now I want to make real memories.

I’m stronger then I ever have been. More focused more determined. What will 2020 be like.

Rise

Rise 

If I’m the lesson what is there left to learn 

Of ashes burning and miles of grave stones 

I hold my hand across my heart 

On every promise broken 

As I feel the wind on my face 

I look to today to create everything 

That’s been destroyed 

I stand in the ocean 

Couldn’t you 

Didn’t you 

Know . 

I haven’t given up yet 

Even when I lost it all 

Got nothin left but my sword 

It’s a new day 

Have faith he says . 

You stand in the fire but you are not alone 

Our enemy has spoken 

But we will gain back what was stolen 

We will rise like the wings of eagles 

So here we are making a new day 

Out of ashes . 

So who are you to say we can’t win 

As we rise again . -Amy Everett

Faith

If we have faith then God will bless us. I have faith God will bless me in my job and my finances I have faith God will find favor with my management team even though people lie, cheat and steal. I have faith God will send me a husband one day even though right now he’s calling me to be single I have faith I’ll get to be married in a forest I have faith he will love Jesus he will have to be very special . Only God can bring this person, I have faith in waiting on my blessings I have faith in my healing . I have faith in God handling my enemies and my ex and his healing. I have faith so I may live in freedom .

I have faith that soon me and Raigan can live on our own. I have faith for strength to hit my goals in the gym and at work .

I pray for new joy .

Burdens

Things are getting better, not really in the physical world just my internal one. But isn’t that what’s important. Ever since God spoke to us at David’s Tent , My mind has found peace. My hope was wrapped up in my ex, I lived my life thinking and praying he would get better and come back I was paralyzed in it. My hope was in a human one that wasn’t even loving me back, I learned my hope needed to be in God. God is not a rollercoaster of destruction he is a rock of love always teaching me to have faith. I had to let everything go and focus my eyes on God. Now I’m beginning to find joy in the present moment learning to not be numb to daily freedoms of just holding my daughters hand,

God is filling the emptiness because he’s in control not me, I can’t change my world but I can trust God with it. The burdens weren’t meant to be mine,

Isn’t It Crazy

November .

This year has come to an end fast with bad luck, heart break like no other 2019 has been a growth year and a big learning curve. If I had advice for my younger self it would be not to waste time on anyone who didn’t make you important. Don’t waste time with people you invest your all in and they throw it away quickly. Also believe in yourself when your doing your best that’s when people will put you down or tear you apart ( don’t give up ) Its 4 am I can’t sleep. God has healed me this year in places I didn’t know were so broken. I also learned people some people are crazy, or they will hurt the innocent you, just move on even if they blame you ignore them. It’s not you there are plenty of people who just are nuts. Keep your head held high even when people judge you and it’s baseless. Keep moving forward.

You know who you are. Life is a cold place but God is there to rescue. To fight for you. Don’t lose heart.

David’s Tent - God Came

I want to tell you about David’s Tent so maybe if you read this you will go. They started in the UK as a few people on a mission to get people to Christ . It’s 72 hours of worship that’s grown to thousands
God was calling me to go with Raigan . I thought maybe I could be used their for his purpose I wasn’t sure but I had to be obedient.

The past few months have been rough at work in July I had one of my best months yet but the months that followed were my worst . Here I was one of the top salesman looking at how to sign up at food banks , I wondered how God let us fall so far. It’s never been like this. No food for days, can’t pay my phone my car I begged God why?Where was he?We were alone .

Not to mention my ex boyfriend who I been religiously praying for who is an addict that God may heal him ( I sincerely ) believed with all my heart this would happen , I got a message from him Sunday night that answered my confusion once and for all.This person is not with God I need to let him go.

He hurt me over and over all I did was love,pray and wait . I got paid Thursday morning with not enough money to pay my bills I bought the tickets to David’s Tent. I knew we needed more of Jesus so we went.Me and Raigan in tow.

As we arrived it was so pretty in Del Mar about a thousand people worshiping Jesus was awesome to see my 8 year old daughter worshiping  God just melted my heart . As we sang I wondered what and why God called us here .

Raigan began to grow tired,it was late she wanted to go home but I knew we couldn’t leave yet
One of our favorite songs came on ( what a beautiful name ) Raigan asked if we could go up front to sing. I was so glad I didn’t want to go I was waiting on God I knew something was to happen .

As we sang our hearts out to God a few more songs were played and Raigan was ready to leave.
As we made our way out of the crowd 2 girls followed us and said Jesus had a word for Raigan . I thought yes!This was it!She kneeled in front of Raigan : I don’t remember the word exactly how it was said but she told Raigan she was made to be a leader she was brave and had courage and God was going to use her to fight with him and she was to be by his side to help people come to Christ and the adventure was starting now . She was going to start hearing his voice and she felt left out at school they told her not to feel that way because God made her apart and a leader for a reason and God dances with her in the fields . She was a warrior and God has gone before her to fight her battles and to not be afraid and God will bless her dreams .

Then she told me that she knew I was in mourning ( my ex ) and that God knew I have had disappointment after disappointment since I was a child but I have forged my own way through with Christ and when I look back thousands will follow because of my testimony and my example has made raigan the leader in Christ she is and will be . She said God is going to fill my emptiness with joy and I’ll be able to dance over my disappointments and all my prayers God will answer with a yes

Me and raigan were both crying our eyes out.
They said my testimony was so powerful . I thank God for being on time for us . God is so good everything happens for a reason . If your struggling God hears you . Just pray have faith . They told Raigan to write her word in a journal she did and carried to school it is the cutest thing .

 Now I pray for business at work pray God will bless us in this time . Thank you for reading

Listen up

Bad things happen in life that destroy you 

People you gave your life and heart to will break you in ways you will never recover from 

You will be put in situations you never thought you would survive . 

Here I am in the storm . 

A big f&@$ storm 

I’m not the victim 

I’m bigger then this . 

All though I may have 

Broke . 

All though I may be in a dark place 

I know I’m a survivor . 

And all they are - are giants we are David’s 

Our help comes from God . 

Results

Road is covered in fog 

My hands bound to memories 

The kind that survived the war . 

No one is listening 

They make up there own memoirs 

About me . 

I tell you to your face with mine red 

Lips displaced 

I’m a survivor not a victim 

I’m not second best . 

We don’t have rules here 

But as the sun grows tired 

I’m reminded of just who I am . 

Why can’t you see it for yourself 

I said . 

The crowd ( jokers ) 

I rest my hand on my chin . 

King me please she said . 

No one listens again 

As I stand here alone . 

I’m ok with that 

Prayer List

Every day I have the same things I pray for . It’s an easy list most things have not come to pass maybe it’s in Gods timing or maybe God is saying no . I’ve learned in my prayers to leave them at just that. And cast all my cares upon God . So this is my new practice. Like will he come home and get better or will I get my own home ? Can me and Raigan find our way to San Diego ?

I leave my prayer list to him . But I used to worry about those prayers not coming true now I just pray and trust God will handle things as he sees best . This has made room for a little peace and joy instead of inner term oil. But what is this waiting period for . Healing ? Surrender ?

I don’t know what the bigger picture is , but things have changed so drastically in a year God has completely changed my entire heart like I have a whole new one

I’m not ashamed of 2019 was an immense year of growth , learning and healing. 2020 is coming I want to be a wife and a have a home . If that happens it will be a miracle because I’m called to be alone right now and be still . So here I am God giving you my all . Xoxo

Fossils

I don’t want to stay here 

I move forward in quicksand 

I’m tired and it’s hot outside 

Do you ever find yourself here 

I try to detach . Then your there 

In the parking lot , in the crowd 

In traffic . 

I see you in the window as I walk at night 

I feel like leaving but no matter what 

I’m there 

And so are you . 

Am I capable of ever not loving 

You . 

I live with this ghost 

It’s like the arrow of Cupid 

Took his last turn so here I am 

His last student 

Failing . As I sit here alone in the rain . 

Fuck this . 

There are no answers are there . 

I’m not even quite sure maybe I’m peter 

Peter Pan . 

I’m not capable of loving again . 

I wish I could be addicted to something 

Else besides 

Missing 

You . 

I lay here quietly 

Letting it all take me 

Watching the clock 

Wondering . 

How it got this way . 

Bucket List

Before I die I must accomplish


1. Getting married in Yosemite
2. Actually getting proposed to for first time
3.having house by ocean
4. Retiring in a forest
5. Going to England
6. Being super successful at a business
7. Doing mission trips

This is the most important things to do before I die .

The Blessing

I realize that the closer we get to God the more the enemy ( Satan ) will come after us. I noticed as I get closer to God closer to my blessings the armies have come in strides. I let it get me down last month . People stealing sales , no sales , it’s been rough not to mention all the other bad stuff has been crazy . The luck is so bad it’s become a known thing like wide spread . The enemy is out . It’s funny you know I’ve been through it , but I’ve never been closer to God then I am now . God called me to help save thousands my mentor said . How I asked God . This has been my focus . I remembered praying for my ex a year ago and God told me he needed to heal him and I needed God to let him do that he also told me to be prepared to be a missionary . A year later my mentor gave me the same word from God in prayer . She said thousands of people . I’m going to David’s Tent in Del Mar October 10. It’s 3 days of worship and it’s supposed to be a miracle time of healing I’m so there to let God use me !!! Let’s go Jesus . Gods power is big I think we forget about that . It’s so important to stay reading the Bible . This month I been reading Psalms. With the enemy coming against me and raigan it’s a great book in the Bible to read . God told me in my car a few days ago not to worry anymore I’ve been full of worry . I believe God has this . For the first time I believe he’s got this all of it . My broken heart , my job , my finances , my friends , family , loved ones . God is big Amen !

I’m 41 I told God I just want to settle down please . But God has called me to do his work right now
But I pray I don’t die alone . Here is me focusing on Jesus

Fini

I sit here on the edge of this canvas 

Most days it feels like a knife 

Cut through the wrist 

As I find my smile 

In the hope of tomorrow 

When will tomorrow come . 

It’s like that familiar song 

We play over and over 

I dream of the day as I contemplate

Suicide dreams 

As the crowd stares right through me . 

I can’t give up 

I can’t give in . 

Where does that leave me 

This is my life 

With one impression 

I’ve failed as I lie here alone counting 

Memories in the ceiling . 

So tell me as I cast my penny in the well 

Maybe there is one wish left for me 

As I turn the lights off 

And pray he comes home