Fossils

I don’t want to stay here 

I move forward in quicksand 

I’m tired and it’s hot outside 

Do you ever find yourself here 

I try to detach . Then your there 

In the parking lot , in the crowd 

In traffic . 

I see you in the window as I walk at night 

I feel like leaving but no matter what 

I’m there 

And so are you . 

Am I capable of ever not loving 

You . 

I live with this ghost 

It’s like the arrow of Cupid 

Took his last turn so here I am 

His last student 

Failing . As I sit here alone in the rain . 

Fuck this . 

There are no answers are there . 

I’m not even quite sure maybe I’m peter 

Peter Pan . 

I’m not capable of loving again . 

I wish I could be addicted to something 

Else besides 

Missing 

You . 

I lay here quietly 

Letting it all take me 

Watching the clock 

Wondering . 

How it got this way . 

Bucket List

Before I die I must accomplish


1. Getting married in Yosemite
2. Actually getting proposed to for first time
3.having house by ocean
4. Retiring in a forest
5. Going to England
6. Being super successful at a business
7. Doing mission trips

This is the most important things to do before I die .

The Blessing

I realize that the closer we get to God the more the enemy ( Satan ) will come after us. I noticed as I get closer to God closer to my blessings the armies have come in strides. I let it get me down last month . People stealing sales , no sales , it’s been rough not to mention all the other bad stuff has been crazy . The luck is so bad it’s become a known thing like wide spread . The enemy is out . It’s funny you know I’ve been through it , but I’ve never been closer to God then I am now . God called me to help save thousands my mentor said . How I asked God . This has been my focus . I remembered praying for my ex a year ago and God told me he needed to heal him and I needed God to let him do that he also told me to be prepared to be a missionary . A year later my mentor gave me the same word from God in prayer . She said thousands of people . I’m going to David’s Tent in Del Mar October 10. It’s 3 days of worship and it’s supposed to be a miracle time of healing I’m so there to let God use me !!! Let’s go Jesus . Gods power is big I think we forget about that . It’s so important to stay reading the Bible . This month I been reading Psalms. With the enemy coming against me and raigan it’s a great book in the Bible to read . God told me in my car a few days ago not to worry anymore I’ve been full of worry . I believe God has this . For the first time I believe he’s got this all of it . My broken heart , my job , my finances , my friends , family , loved ones . God is big Amen !

I’m 41 I told God I just want to settle down please . But God has called me to do his work right now
But I pray I don’t die alone . Here is me focusing on Jesus

Fini

I sit here on the edge of this canvas 

Most days it feels like a knife 

Cut through the wrist 

As I find my smile 

In the hope of tomorrow 

When will tomorrow come . 

It’s like that familiar song 

We play over and over 

I dream of the day as I contemplate

Suicide dreams 

As the crowd stares right through me . 

I can’t give up 

I can’t give in . 

Where does that leave me 

This is my life 

With one impression 

I’ve failed as I lie here alone counting 

Memories in the ceiling . 

So tell me as I cast my penny in the well 

Maybe there is one wish left for me 

As I turn the lights off 

And pray he comes home   

Shattering

I’m not sure 

I’m not sure . 

How can we be 

Only God knows . 

So I’m shattered 

And put together at the same time . 

Constantly moving forward 

But staying here at the same time can you blame me for staying 

Never had a love like this 

Can you blame me for leaving 

Never had pain like this 

Catch me here in this moment 

Your all that I search for 

Can’t try to forget you 

It’s impossible 

So I live with you right here under my heart 

Under my eyes 

I see you here . 

Can you blame me 

Do you see me too 

In the crowd . 

Holding you . 

I’m lost here in the future 

Sitting in the past 

Shattered 

Good Graces

Got nothing left to hold on to 

I suspect if I ended my time here 

Would anyone notice . 

I hand my heart on cards 

I am the ace . 

Please hold my hand 

They step away . 

It’s not really ever my turn is it 

The jokers love to have there way 

It’s not very funny 

As I stand here in pain . 

I’m invisible 

No beauty 

No one notices me 

Dying . 

It’s a shame really . 

What was it all for . 

I gave it away 

In return for nothing 

My hands are empty 

I never gave up 

I was the fighter they said . 

But really now I’ve got nothing left 

I can’t always be 

My own hero 

In my stories . 

If I was gone 

Would you be at my funeral . 

Would you listen then 

Would you look back and have regrets . 

Of all the time I spent giving 

When you gave nothing back . 

I’m not sure if this is how it’s supposed to go 

But I know how feeling invisible goes . 

And these lines are well spent . 

Pills (1)

This is the price I pay 

For giving everything to

Someone who threw it all

Away 

I can’t write you a love letter 

It gets washed away with narcotic thoughts 

You couldn’t see the time I lost loving you 

Losing you 

Your stuck in your mirror 

I’m here paying the price 

But it’s the price I pay 

Of a lost life 

Dreams gone 

I scream alone 

No one hears m here 

Not even you 

Your thoughts erased by narcotic suicide 

As I pray 

I never deserved to lose you

You never deserved to lose your self 

Maybe one day you’ll leave the poison behind 

And you’ll realize 

But it’s the price I pay 

As I sit here alone 

Blueberry Pancakes (1)

Maybe I wasn’t in the right place at the right time 

Alice said . 

As she has more bruises left 

She can’t seem to count them 

She can’t seem to keep track . 

Maybe if i could’ve saved him 

I would’ve saved myself . 

But where is my hero 

Thought Alice . 

Why didn’t anyone ever catch her from falling 

They never thought of that 

Isn’t that sad said the rabbit . 

As the joker says it’s awkward in this room 

And it’s getting hot 

I can’t sit still but only for a moment 

I must chase these dreams . 

No one is here chasing after me . 

Dear Alice. 

Puts on a brave face 

Sits on the type writer 

Crossing the I’s dotting the T’s of course 

And maybe he will come just in time 

Maybe time is over . 

As the clock rewinds I think it’s broken 

Alice where do we go from here 

Path

it’s 5:30 am on a Saturday . I need to go running I need to find a second job I need I need I need the stress can be over whelming . I just been praying . Seems I’m always working especially for my little girl but I can never get a head . I need a vacation . I remember when me and my ex boyfriend Jerry we used to talk about buying land in the mountains and retiring there one day . It made me cry on the way home thinking about it . How that dream is gone . It made my heart full to have those dreams. What I would give to live in the mountains on a lake when I’m old . I’m learning to live in the joy of the moment . Every moment as my friend Malia says . To trust in God’s good purpose for my future and try to focus on right now is where I’ll find joy and find the blessings in that .

Amen .

What I Thought I Knew

It’s 9:48 pm it’s Thursday I just got in to town stopped to get a frozen yogurt I’m alone this weekend as I am most weekends. My life is consumed with work and gym . I thought I would be married by now or driving home into the arms of the love of my life but instead I’ll go home to run . It’s not that I hate my life it’s just not what I expected . For some reason I know I’m where I’m supposed to be but I feel restless . I never was the girl who needed attention or love I’m independent . But I’m ready to settle down but God’s saying not yet ? Why ? I’m 41 I’m not getting younger .

I remember clearly at 8 years old sitting on the toilet wondering how cool my life would be at 30. But here I am at 41 with much to report but yet I still go home to an empty house . It just ain’t right .

I’m to old for this . Is being alone my destiny ?

The Heart

I sat there you know 

Trying to find the answer to bring you home . 

I gave you every single thing I had 

Until I became nothing . 

Yet you said I was the selfish one . 

I forgave you a hundred times 

Maybe when you’re  in the dark your blind 

I couldn’t keep doing this 

I will always write these lines . 

Nothing changes . 

I’m praying for a sign 

But nothing . 

I deserve a better life . 

I lay in my bed alone 

Night after night 

Days upon days pass by . 

I’ve changed everything

In my life 

Except for your side of the bed 

And I ..... 

Gave every thing I had . 

We all have choices 

You chose everything else instead 

When It’s Hard

Before marriage was the last thing on my mind I was happy the way things were. Now I long to be settled down to be content . I been alone so long. I’m not lonely per say I just want the end part of my life . I’ve road the hard roads the roads no one should have to battle I been through things you would only see on terrible movies or the nightly news , I deserve the ring I never got , the wedding I never got , the proposal I never got . Or someone actually loving me what a concept more then themselves.

I pick selfish people . Now it’s my turn for the first time to be selfish and say I deserve this. I lived to make everyone happy to be used and destroyed and left here with deep wounds. I don’t regret the relationship it’s made with God and how he himself saved my life but I’m ready now .

But now it’s his purpose . I can’t move with out Gods will for me . What does God want for my life now? What is the next step ? I need help God in this time for you to fill my heart with love for you to take care of me and Raigan in everything we don’t have .

Please make this year a year of blessings and joy I’m so tired Lord give me rest . And bless those who have harmed us . Save those who are lost .

Ropes

Ropes . 

If I’m the cause why am I alone 

The train station is empty 

It’s half past the time and I’m left here 

I’m wearing your sweat shirt 

Time is paused as life keeps pushing forward . 

I’m stuck here in the shade of this good bye 

It’s raining under these eyes 

Black is the day 

Black is the night . 

I wasn’t born to live this way 

I deserve to have someone by my side 

I’m here alone writing these rhymes 

I dream of another kind of life 

I won’t stand here paralyzed 

Not for long 

You get my drift 

I bought my ticket 

Not sure when the next train is comin 

You had so many chances 

I don’t deserve a life like this 

I know you know this 

I know as you read this 

We all make our choices 

One pill 

One bottle 

And I 

Packed my bags 

It’s way past the time between where I will go and where I been . 

Maybe we can love and let go . 

Maybe you can fight a little harder 

But I shouldn’t be the one writing this 

It’s all on the table 

Every morning I pray over and over 

I’m paused as life pushes us forward 

But I bought my ticket 

Time is a ticking 

Isn’t it 

As hearts are breaking 

I deserve more then this 

-Amy Everett

waiting’

When is it time to let go. Is everything we do a waste or do we plant seeds. I’m 41 I want to
Settle down and my soul mate is an addict who has not yet recovered. How do I move on? I know I may wait forever for someone who doesn’t even love them self much less love me. I have separated myself in hopes for answers from God himself and pray for what Is meant whatever that is. And to heal a broken heart that my ex never even saw or appreciated because addicts are selfish and put themselves first . I love him but he has made a choice not to be better for himself or me. If my dream is to be married I’m not getting any younger I need to heal from this .

I’m not dating at all just waiting on God

Hope In

I say hope is a catapillar 

Waiting to be something. 

But yet I throw so many years 

Praying for things to change 

Gave you all

Cried every day 

But you spit in my face ? 

Sometimes the world tells us lies on both shoulders 

Why are you willing to listen 

I gave you it all 

Now I’m numb from the heart down 

Just trying to

Survive with you gone 

But you would rather do nothin 

 I say hope is a catapillar 

Waiting for her wings to open 

But I’m dying from your poison 

You would rather sit and do nothing 

I’m

Sitting

Here 

Waitin 

And when I find you 

You spit in my face 

As my arms are open . 

What was it all for . 

The world lies to us on both shoulders 

But you chose to

Accept it . 

I gave you everything

In return for your self hatred . 

I am the falling star 

You never caught it . 

I’m falling 

You can’t pay attention  

Direction

Direction

This is the time
When you think the light is shining
But yet it’s dark
And I’m all alone
But it’s the time
When I will push myself beyond the blurred lines .
How far can I go
Emotionally
How far can we get God it’s just you
And me .
How far can we take it running in the gym
Where can we push this physically
I’m not going to sleep on me

Maybe as I gather my bridges
As I write these lines
I don’t need anyone to condone this
Because I’m here to push this

To see where I can take it
Walk the path less taken
Heal this heart that’s been broken

Here I am God it’s me and it’s you
No ones pointing any fingers

We reap what we are sowin.

So let’s grasp this .
And change direction . - Amy Everett

Arrested

I remember the music we shared 

As you folded your laundry years ago 

I remember the lazy days we spent under the covers with nothin else to do 

But us me n you . 

You want to remember the bruises time left on our pillows leaving our beds wet 

But what I remember is the years of your fingerprints left on my skin

The kind you can’t remove when wet . 

Layers of time 

Painted on my soul 

Framed soul mate . 

It tells a tale 

From then 

To now . 

I remember watching you sleep 

I remember you saying good bye . 

I remember never letting you go . 

There’s a hallway in my eyes 

The world I see is you and me . 

It’s all I see . 

Never complete . 

I’ll sit here in this circle we call home

Waiting for the lights to come on . 

Sitting on this door step . 

Well well

Mark 11:24

For whatever you ask for in prayer you shall receive .


Well God will grant our prayers if we don’t have unforgiveness in our hearts and we have no sin so I have to ask for forgiveness seek him with all my heart and ask for things in his will . So my prayer life has gotten very very serious . So I been writing my prayers out . And on top of this it’s been holding me accountable to love my enemies, to forgive wrong doers and to be a good doer myself God is love and I have to reflect who God is . This means in my prayer time checking myself in order to ask for my own needs . This is where I’m at .

Hope

Letting go : 

Do we ever really let go of our soul mate? I think life can be tragic and maybe God is teaching us and maybe all we have is faith and I’m emotionally drained from letting go of the love of my life but is it letting go or just a pause in time . I know he isn’t on the path to be ready for a relationship and maybe he will someday but maybe he won’t only God has those answers . What I do know is that I can’t control it I can’t save it . All I can do is pray and keep my eyes focused up on Christ not ahead or behind me . It’s ok to love it’s ok to let go if it’s not healthy . But never give up hope 

Love and Losses

Life is messy so is love why can’t it be black and white? Why can’t we just have the one we love the one we fight for ? When you have them , they seem to slip through our fingers like sand and there’s nothing we can do . Nothing happens on accident . God has his permission on the bad and the good . But what is bad ? And if we have a teachable spirit we are more grounded but it still leaves me sad . 

I can ask why all day but I can’t change a thing. All I can do is pray for my loved one and have faith in my future that God knows best in everything even his timing . 

When I’m left wondering why I’m also left thanking God for a lesson in faith and salvation. I am Job he said . Job lost it all and in faith gained it back . I have to hope in God and keep going and honestly I’m emotionally exhausted . God renew my spirit . I’m a nice person . I try to give my whole heart I would give anything but sometimes love isn’t enough I can’t save anyone only God can . 

I pray for continual healing and a calm spirit . To remain in love with my God and see things for what they are . 

It’s not easy no . I cry I do . But I’m strong in my identity in Christ this is the difference