date night

It’s half past 8 it’s Friday
Their are no dates
I have a million stories but I
Couldn’t tell you one where I been loved
The way I see those in the crowds
Hands tossed inside fingers smiles latched in circles
I am lost alone with empty promises
My hands lost in my face
There is nothing much I could say
Except that I’m home alone

Writing this story on a Friday night .

No ones ever loved me the way they said they did
No ones ever loved me the way I loved them

So who am I ,
An orphan ?

Maybe as I get lost in the crowd alone
Some one will grab my hand
And not let go
Maybe they will love my smile

But for now I write this letter
From an empty pillow
Wondering why

Addiction

Addiction -

It’s a needle

I’m the hay stack

There’s no arguing that
As I pass us in the hall
Watching us exchange old smiles
Can’t fake the love or old mistakes
Tattoo name sakes on right rib cage
No regrets as I cry alone on my pillow case

I didn’t lose out because we lost interest
But because of addiction
Seems like it was a Demon
Came like a thief
Stole the best of you and me .

So when they say I should be over it
When they say I dodged a bullet
Maybe there will be one part no one gets

That every thing we were will always stay frozen
You see because we didn’t leave because
We didn’t love each other
But we were torn like a broken frame from its picture .

But that’s addiction .

A pain that never stops hurting
A choice we can’t stop choosing .
All I’m asking now is for the healing
For the man who was stolen

From me . - Amy Everett

Loving

What to do when you feel so alone . It’s 9:30 on a Saturday night I’m home alone. Raigan is gone I could be out doing anything but instead I’m writing this. Depression has gotten the best of me for good reason . I’ve been let down and I’m no victim it’s just am I ok enough to be loved ? Why am I so lonely ? Why do the people who claim to love me lie. I think about how this could be my fault I’m
A nice person falling for bad people. So where is my person ? The one I’m meant to be with ?

Am I not pretty ? Not loveable ? I give up

News

Everybody wants til there’s nothin left 

Nothin left of me 

So tell me how I find the part 

Where someone wants to love me . 

It seems like an old revolution 

Where I put my heart in your pocket 

And they do what they want with it 

Tell me it’s my fault 

Walk with my Benifit 

So please explain to me . 

I travel

This world alone 

No one really knowing me 

I’m left alone at night 

You wonder how it gets the best of me 

Or why I keep writing the same thing 

Because no ones ever taken the time to love me . 

Love

It’s 5 am on a Sunday I have to get up to go running I haven’t in days I haven’t been feeling well. The topic loneliness. At 40 and being single I know I’m independent the only person I’ve been with is my ex we broke up in late December pretty recent so I have not dated in my healing mode I’ve become quite isolated I like my bubble I like being safe. A safe place where no one can hurt me it suits me for now. I do watch couples and families and I envy there love for each other but I’m just not brave enough not healed enough to venture out yet. I do realize time is passing by so quickly and where do you meet new people any way ? I’m a firm believer in real life connections not online dating I think it will come when it comes . My friends at work tease me and tell me I will die a cat lady this might be so but God has a plan. There is a season for every thing. Love myself first.

Value

Let me tell you a story . A woman walked by at work wearing a t shirt saying - chase this. The shirt in itself caught our attention and my fellow co worker Brian who has become a good friend looked at me and said, Amy that’s what you need to get .” I looked at him in confusion. I said,” get what ?” He said, “ self esteem “ as he walked away. His statement stayed with me as I drove home that night. Was Brian right. Was I sad every day over an ex boyfriend who treated me like garbage because I don’t see my value? Or was It because I truly loved him? I pondered this for hours. And why did I give so much power to people who tore me apart on the daily? If I saw my value would any thing matter. Because I’m worth being loved? 

Brian my friend had a point in the midst of the hustle and bustle of work he saw right through me. I don’t want to be 40 and single and not know what’s it’s like to be worth it and valuable and know it. 

Maybe it’s something I need to work on but thank you Brian for pointing it out. 

On my own

Pain slides past my eyes hidden behind brown flecks behind a masked sun 

There’s a white dress and red lips 

I can’t escape the memories 

Branded in my mind . 

I try to run away 

I try to write . 

But your there next to me every where I go 

Just like yesterday is today 

And I 

Can’t breathe 

I can’t change the pain you caused me 

I can’t change the way you left me 

I can’t change a thing 

So tell me as I sit here alone 

With you 

Our song on repeat 

The same tears falling day after day 

Me wearing the same mask 

And your old sweat shirt 

I can’t feel you 

I can’t smell you any more . 

But fuck 

I’m here in the crowd invisible 

I’m here in the crowd not one damn person sees me here 

But your next to me 

I’m the only one who sees you 

Smiling at me as you fade slowly 

I’m screaming alone in my car . 

Nothing changes 

As the sun rises 

The sun sets . 

I can’t change how you left 

How you didn’t love me the way you said you did 

But most of all I can’t change 

That I loved you the way I said I did . 

So here I am 

In this big fucking crowd alone 

I’m screaming 

I’m invisible 

No one saw me 

But you . 

And your so far away . 

I can’t change 

My white dress 

My brown eyes 

Or you the way your with me . 

So I run 

You didn’t love me 

I run 

You left me . 

I run 

I love you .

Apology

The apology I’ll never get I wish I got every word .

Dear J

What happens when it’s raining inside . 

Who have I become 

It’s the thoughts that run about 

The thoughtless . 

How far are we away from home 

When everyone seems like strangers 

Maybe I can’t sleep with out you 

As I watched you forget me . 

As you lost my hand 

In the crowd . 

As the night becomes day 

I’m alright I say . 

Just one last breath 

My heart will never beat 

The same way . 

It’s half past midnight 

I listen to our song play . 

I’m just another meaningless person 

And you are the ghost that haunts my days 

Someone save me . 

It’s raining on the inside 

Make no mistake 

I’ll make the world believe the sun is shining 

This is my greatest gift 

As I’m dying . 

As you lost my fingers in the crowd 

As night once again becomes day 

I tell myself I’m ok . 

As I drift away 

I drift away 

It’s half past midnight 

Our song plays 

I’m just a meaningless person 

And you are my today 

My yesterday 

My ghost . 

Someone please save me 

It’s raining in here . 

- Amy Everett

Drives

Its the rim of your hat 
On a sunny day 
Imagine your smile 
I never loved anyone more . 
I still cry just thinking of you 

I can’t imagine 
The way you lied to me 
Put me in a coffin
Tucked me away . 
Like nothing ever happened . 

Its unimaginable 
You were the love of my life 
Frozen back in time 
The way we held hands 
Like nothing could ever tear this thing apart . 
I believed that . 

I sit here writing this in a parking lot alone 
Maybe somethings we just don’t understand 

Maybe one day the pain will lessen 

My Life

At 40 my life is so boring because I’m working my ass off to become what I’ve always dreamed of becoming. I don’t get to sit at home and be lazy and not work but that’s never been me. I strive to be my very best all the time. I work 14 hour days I go to the gym on my lunch I walk all day I work hard I’m to tired to go out and any extra time I have is to be with my daughter . There is no white horse to come save me I have to do it myself . Unfortunately I’m single and the one I loved didn’t work out so my blinders are on and I’m focused . I’m pretty blessed though through all the pain every single person around me I’m touched with love and friendship and that is a blessing . I see God working through my hard days I just pray there not always so hard always bad luck. I hurt so much inside but I spend so much time in prayer . I know I’ve come through the desert . I’m tired of friends trying to set me up I know they have good intentions but I’m emotionally just done I’m so heart broken I am just waiting on God for this time of healing and restoration amen .

The world is a cold place . People are aweful for no reason they have no God because God is love . If someone does not treat you with love they are not with God period .

Sometimes with my heart issues I think how long do I even have to live I cherish my daughter every moment .

Gotta love big while we’re here . Ignore the crazy people there not worth it . People are sad and jealous . Pray for them . All we can do is have faith and keep moving forward .

Valentines

Since google is deleting all blog post on April 4th I’ll write until my blog is gone as well as everyone else with a blog . Valentines Day was never anything important to me any year I believe you should always be loving every day . It’s a gimmick we all know this . I think the part I hate is my loving friends with good intentions feel bad I’m single . I’m here to say it’s my choice trust me I need to be healing and it’s really not Gods timing right now. Last Valentines my love now ex love just completed a stint in rehab and he dropped of roses from a near by gas station I’m no snob trust me but I just knew something was wrong . Indeed he was using again and I knew him pretty well let’s just say I spent my Valentines alone in tears . I realize at 40 I made my own mistakes but I also need to heal from them . We don’t know all the time who we are going to love or the issues they will have but now I know what I need to heal in me . I definitely would love to be married and I have a sadness when I see couples shopping every day at work but it’s not my time and I’m very ok with that

I’m waiting on God. So for anyone alone on Valentines chin up .

I’m Not The Only One

I think about him every day. Did he just take advantage of me? He had to of.No one uses and lies to someone to such a degree with no remorse it’s not humanly possible then comes and goes with no conscience it’s almost a level or crazy. I loved the version of this person I thought was real but he sold me some lie . If it was real he would’ve got help but he didn’t . He abused me he knew I loved him more then life he never even apologized . Me a normal loving human can’t rationalize the thought process of a sick person I try every damn day to let it go I have to . I pray to . I think there is a healing process when you go through this process with an addict of such magnitude I never want anyone to come close to my heart ever again . I hide away my pain . I pray constantly . Maybe one day I’ll be in a place to help others but I am blessed to where even in sorrow I’ve found joy in daily things . In time maybe I’ll get Amy back . I think of him we had so many times together maybe those moments were real . Now there dead . But I’m just having faith for my future . Right now I’m just doing things that don’t necessarily use the heart like work hard at my job or my diet . But healing is something people need to take the time to do . Find the anchor in Christ . Not around your neck .

It’s friday night I need to go to the gym . Accomplish more goals !!! And remember I’m not alone

Love ❤️

It’s kind of crazy my blog is being erased I need to find away to update or back up all my stuff the past ten years but thank you to everyone who has followed me and supported me 30k readers. I’m working in San Marcos now I love love it . God has really stuck to his promises and I’m sticking with him healing from a bad break up a lost love and centering my life on Christ and my daughter at this point God tells me bits of where my future is going and then I see it happening but the rest is blind faith . It’s not always easy but God is my father he guides me through this journey let’s see what 2019 has I need rest for sure and Gods love .

Never Has

I’m left in the center 

Yellow lines mis understood and cut in the middle 

Grabbed my hand never let me go 

Playing on our radio 

As the tears streamed down your face 

Never had a love so strong he said as we drove into a night I never thought would end 

And I let you past my walls 

Farther then anyone . 

And my god your smile the way you looked back at me 

I knew I was in love . 

I knew you would never let go of me 

The way we fought 

To hold on . 

Then there was the day that letter had come 

You said good bye 

The day I found out you found someone else . 

Or the the night you begged me back 

But then you wouldn’t even kiss me good night 

Never would I imagine such a night mare 

Cuz ‘ baby I let you in farther then anyone ever got 

They say I never deserved This 

Maybe that’s true 

But what is a girl to do 

As I stand here alone dancing under the full moon where you left me here 

As our song plays 

Never let me go 

Now it’s a reminder 

That you only loved yourself 

And I can’t breathe any more 

And the memory of your smile 

Staring back at me 

And baby I loved you like I loved no one else 

My heart it no longer beats the same . 

I’m left in the center

Yellow lines under the full moon light 

Never had a love like this you said . 

As I stand here alone . 

Trying to forgive you 

Trying to forgive you 

For hurting me like no one ever has . 

Like no one ever has . 

Depression

It’s the cold temperature in the room
Hanging heads capture lost hearts
There is a war
It’s the acceptance of pain
Nothing will ever reach me again
I try to light a fire .

But the storm is washing me away
I’m here alone
Fighting my way out of this darkness
The small flicker of light
Digresses .....

Intermittent the room I’m sinking in
Like a boat lost at sea.
The way you salvaged me
Heart beating .

I’m broken buttons on a rare jacket
You left on your chair

It’s always cold in here
Has anyone met dispear

I’m in her prison
Begging for light .

Doing The Right Thing

It’s been a month since it all happened and still last night I had this awful nightmare. I used to hold on to the love I had knowing in the end we would be together now I’m left with this pain I can’t shake or make sense of . How do I do it I have no idea . My sister said I would feel fine if I knew my worth that’s not true I know my worth it does not discount that the person you loved hurts you in just about every way imaginable and walks away with a care. The people left in the wreckage with the big loving hearts just wanted love seems simple right . But maybe I chose someone who couldn’t love not even himself . I gave more then I ever had to make it work . I lay here now with a much new changing life I created through great strength and determination and a lot of faith in the Lord. I’m going run a marathon, I’m changing stores as of Monday and I’m moving hopefully soon but I know this is God’s plan . That’s the only thing I do know is that gods plan and purpose happen and if he wanted God to and me he would’ve sought help together .

Here I am alone . Figuring out how to heal . Praying a lot trying to find some kind of peace and joy
I have no desire to be with any man . None . Maybe I’m depressed maybe I know my focus needs to be on God and healing . Amen

Enough

It’s pretty serious you know the topic of enough. I’ll start here not sure how this will end so bear with me. It all adds up and ends up to equal nothing right . I have to say something because it’s wisdom no one ever told me years ago I never listened to or maybe never quite understood. I went to life course seminars , counseling and prayed a lot, this  but still it didn’t sink in . It took taking drugs , and eating disorders - being abused over and over and trading my worth for scars and still I didn’t get it. That I was enough . I sit here in jeans I wore when I was 24 there to big I lost so much weight but it’s not enough I strive to lose more . When my relationship didn’t work with my ex who was an addict I thought it was because I was not enough . When things don’t work out is it that we are not enough?

I’ve wasted years trying to prove to wrong people I’m enough . Have you ? Have you almost literally killed yourself proving to this empty world that you indeed are enough ? The world tells you these lies let me tell you Satan wants to rob you wait not rob you kill you,yes the Bible says kill. If it wasn’t for God’s grace I would be dead . Even so dead inside - do you feel dead on the inside ? Empty ? Because your chasing things of the world because you don’t feel like you are enough?

It’s a lie . God died for us saved us by his grace so we could have a hope and a future and the same God who made the heavens and the earth made you and the same God who made you stands before you and defeats all evil


Not only are you enough but you have power . I wanted to send a message of hope . If I can find hope in this dark world so can you . If God can change my life he can change yours .

Wins ❤️

Overall our society has become more selfish and self centered instead of more selfless and other centered . In whole we should always think win - win right that’s pretty obvious. But let’s take it step deeper what if we truly esteemed our relationships before ourselves ? Wouldn’t that be a concept ? To drop all your needs and give your lover there needs and vice versa. Did you know true love does not die ? So explain divorce ? Breakups ? And heart ache ? Selfishness is the core and the malnourishment of needs causes disconnection but love does not die . There is no such thing as falling out of love . God says so love unconditionally .

So what are the symptoms of disconnection? Think about it. What is your win - win today . I’m single today and will stay this way until God ordains a special someone who understands Gods character . No one is perfect but it’s the try.Right?So how can you win today .

it’s just a list

It’s Wednesday it’s raining and I’m on my lunch. Where would I rather be you ask. In Paris and in love laughing and traveling not in this parking lot so maybe I’ll put it on my bucket list . I once made a bucket list I did everything on it except go to England it was my number 1 thing . I was so impressed I finished my bucket list I wondered if I might die soon but I’m still here but there are things I’ve never had. A. Have someone love me B. Be proposed to. I’m 40 it seems like I’ve lost out on those things for good . I can’t say I’m ok with it . But there isn’t snyhing I can do about it either so maybe I’ll fly myself to Paris and England and by myself a ring . Ah eff it right. At least I love myself enough to not be with a loser asshole . So here I am in a parking lot on my lunch writing bucket list in the rain . So in the mean time I can’t give on myself because you guys will see me make it come true . Right now I’m going to drink some tea instead . Chow