Never Has

I’m left in the center 

Yellow lines mis understood and cut in the middle 

Grabbed my hand never let me go 

Playing on our radio 

As the tears streamed down your face 

Never had a love so strong he said as we drove into a night I never thought would end 

And I let you past my walls 

Farther then anyone . 

And my god your smile the way you looked back at me 

I knew I was in love . 

I knew you would never let go of me 

The way we fought 

To hold on . 

Then there was the day that letter had come 

You said good bye 

The day I found out you found someone else . 

Or the the night you begged me back 

But then you wouldn’t even kiss me good night 

Never would I imagine such a night mare 

Cuz ‘ baby I let you in farther then anyone ever got 

They say I never deserved This 

Maybe that’s true 

But what is a girl to do 

As I stand here alone dancing under the full moon where you left me here 

As our song plays 

Never let me go 

Now it’s a reminder 

That you only loved yourself 

And I can’t breathe any more 

And the memory of your smile 

Staring back at me 

And baby I loved you like I loved no one else 

My heart it no longer beats the same . 

I’m left in the center

Yellow lines under the full moon light 

Never had a love like this you said . 

As I stand here alone . 

Trying to forgive you 

Trying to forgive you 

For hurting me like no one ever has . 

Like no one ever has . 

Depression

It’s the cold temperature in the room
Hanging heads capture lost hearts
There is a war
It’s the acceptance of pain
Nothing will ever reach me again
I try to light a fire .

But the storm is washing me away
I’m here alone
Fighting my way out of this darkness
The small flicker of light
Digresses .....

Intermittent the room I’m sinking in
Like a boat lost at sea.
The way you salvaged me
Heart beating .

I’m broken buttons on a rare jacket
You left on your chair

It’s always cold in here
Has anyone met dispear

I’m in her prison
Begging for light .

Doing The Right Thing

It’s been a month since it all happened and still last night I had this awful nightmare. I used to hold on to the love I had knowing in the end we would be together now I’m left with this pain I can’t shake or make sense of . How do I do it I have no idea . My sister said I would feel fine if I knew my worth that’s not true I know my worth it does not discount that the person you loved hurts you in just about every way imaginable and walks away with a care. The people left in the wreckage with the big loving hearts just wanted love seems simple right . But maybe I chose someone who couldn’t love not even himself . I gave more then I ever had to make it work . I lay here now with a much new changing life I created through great strength and determination and a lot of faith in the Lord. I’m going run a marathon, I’m changing stores as of Monday and I’m moving hopefully soon but I know this is God’s plan . That’s the only thing I do know is that gods plan and purpose happen and if he wanted God to and me he would’ve sought help together .

Here I am alone . Figuring out how to heal . Praying a lot trying to find some kind of peace and joy
I have no desire to be with any man . None . Maybe I’m depressed maybe I know my focus needs to be on God and healing . Amen

Enough

It’s pretty serious you know the topic of enough. I’ll start here not sure how this will end so bear with me. It all adds up and ends up to equal nothing right . I have to say something because it’s wisdom no one ever told me years ago I never listened to or maybe never quite understood. I went to life course seminars , counseling and prayed a lot, this  but still it didn’t sink in . It took taking drugs , and eating disorders - being abused over and over and trading my worth for scars and still I didn’t get it. That I was enough . I sit here in jeans I wore when I was 24 there to big I lost so much weight but it’s not enough I strive to lose more . When my relationship didn’t work with my ex who was an addict I thought it was because I was not enough . When things don’t work out is it that we are not enough?

I’ve wasted years trying to prove to wrong people I’m enough . Have you ? Have you almost literally killed yourself proving to this empty world that you indeed are enough ? The world tells you these lies let me tell you Satan wants to rob you wait not rob you kill you,yes the Bible says kill. If it wasn’t for God’s grace I would be dead . Even so dead inside - do you feel dead on the inside ? Empty ? Because your chasing things of the world because you don’t feel like you are enough?

It’s a lie . God died for us saved us by his grace so we could have a hope and a future and the same God who made the heavens and the earth made you and the same God who made you stands before you and defeats all evil


Not only are you enough but you have power . I wanted to send a message of hope . If I can find hope in this dark world so can you . If God can change my life he can change yours .

Wins ❤️

Overall our society has become more selfish and self centered instead of more selfless and other centered . In whole we should always think win - win right that’s pretty obvious. But let’s take it step deeper what if we truly esteemed our relationships before ourselves ? Wouldn’t that be a concept ? To drop all your needs and give your lover there needs and vice versa. Did you know true love does not die ? So explain divorce ? Breakups ? And heart ache ? Selfishness is the core and the malnourishment of needs causes disconnection but love does not die . There is no such thing as falling out of love . God says so love unconditionally .

So what are the symptoms of disconnection? Think about it. What is your win - win today . I’m single today and will stay this way until God ordains a special someone who understands Gods character . No one is perfect but it’s the try.Right?So how can you win today .

it’s just a list

It’s Wednesday it’s raining and I’m on my lunch. Where would I rather be you ask. In Paris and in love laughing and traveling not in this parking lot so maybe I’ll put it on my bucket list . I once made a bucket list I did everything on it except go to England it was my number 1 thing . I was so impressed I finished my bucket list I wondered if I might die soon but I’m still here but there are things I’ve never had. A. Have someone love me B. Be proposed to. I’m 40 it seems like I’ve lost out on those things for good . I can’t say I’m ok with it . But there isn’t snyhing I can do about it either so maybe I’ll fly myself to Paris and England and by myself a ring . Ah eff it right. At least I love myself enough to not be with a loser asshole . So here I am in a parking lot on my lunch writing bucket list in the rain . So in the mean time I can’t give on myself because you guys will see me make it come true . Right now I’m going to drink some tea instead . Chow

The Next Mark

Maybe as we move forward and evolve the ones who stay the same stay behind us . We try to drag them with us because we love them we scream we cry we’re a bloody mess but in the end they are choosing to sit still . As we move forward we see the darkness close around them can’t they see it?

I think moving forward is hard not that I’m a victim but it’s acceptance. Acceptance to give up a dream I fought so hard for and believed in and lost . You know what I mean . We were so close.

I don’t know how to deal with the pain yet and that’s ok but what I do know is I’m pouring myself into other dreams right now to keep myself moving and staying focused on moving forward . I’ve learned this works for me . I’m fixing my credit , changing locations , my body is changing every day

 and next week I start with the best trainers around to really take myself to the whole next level. Sure these are outside things but I know my insides are different because I’m no longer settling to be treated poorly like before . I’m working every day to be closer to God trying hard not to sin. Trying to figure out what God wants and how to heal . This is where I’m at today. I’m sure 2019 will be about total healing process , moving , total over haul on my credit and I’ll be all I need for myself . When this happens I’ll be closer to more answers I won’t be as sad I hope . In this time of loss . I’m very aware of my feelings and where I am at . I just have to be patient in this process . I’ve matured as a woman and do not have room for bull shit . Just hard work of healing and working super hard on my goals . My head is down and I will persevere you know why ? Because I always do . I’m a great woman a strong woman .

Invisible

I sit in Barnes and Noble every day I notice no one does anyone notice me or care if I’m dead or alive

Sunrise

Although you are in the wake of your healing
You give everything and have not been loved back
Someone will love you Amy
Who deserves your love .

News Line

As 2019 approaches so does change like a tornado. Like devastation that cleared out all that I once knew and the only thing standing is the clear path God has set before me. If I didn’t take 2018 to just heal and get to know Jesus better I would be a lost boat at sea with no direction and no peace. But things are different now everything has changed and with God as my anchor I’m fine . I still feel pain and sorrow and anger but I also have peace and hope this is where the difference lies. Because I know whatever life brings I need to do Gods will and be upright and stay close to him and he will lead me down his path . For instance my boyfriend the love of my life my heart we tried to work it out he definitely was not walking on God’s path he did not have Gods peace in his life or we would be together. Instead there was dishonesty, and who knows what broke us apart . Even though I was devastated I know God has a bigger purpose for me . This is where peace comes from . I decided to follow my dream of living in San Diego I put in for a transfer after being sad and alone on Christmas Day . I thought God has a purpose for me my life is not finished . Be brave Amy . So I’m going to San Diego .

My best friend was demoted and transferred out of my store she was my rock the only person who understood my break up the one who has been here for me . Another devastation but God has a plan again peace in faith . Satan tried to take us down over and over . But God takes care of his people .

It’s about not believing Satan’s lies and being a victor not a victim ! Amen. I now read my bible on my lunch you can’t get rid of old lies with out putting in new truths . All I want is to be close to
God . I found this picture of Raigan . It reminds me of how fast time flies !!! Joy comes from the Lord we have to seek him to have it to have hope .

Amen

Here

It’s an old telegram 

Ink is smudged I’m not sure if there’s a stamp 

Your mouth 

Your mouth is poison

I’m not sure what happened between today 

And when we danced in the street . 

You once told me you loved me only yesterday I was the girl you dreamed of 

And today I lie here alone staring at the night sky on our old street where you promised to never say good bye. 

I say I love you 

But I don’t know you any more 

As I let you go 

As you said good bye . 

I couldn’t write the words if I wanted to 

I always thought I could 

About how you said 

You would never let me go 

As you pushed me out of sight 

Maybe 

Your mouth is poison . 

And I couldn’t write the story if I wanted to 

Remember the nights you couldn’t 

Fall asleep with out me . 

It’s an old telegram 

Written to a stranger 

As I lay here under the night sky 

Listening as the cars pass by 

Remember how you kissed me good night 

How did you leave me here 

To become a stranger 

Alone at our funeral . 

Maybe your mouth is poison 

Maybe I’ll always be here 

Right here 

Under the street lights 

Where you left me

Straight Jacket

I’m lost and forgotten
Invisible little girl in the corner
You had something better to do

I’m just a shelf
A dusty shelf
I’m just an old song
You pass by
I was something you hung up and took down
When you felt like .

Used
Alone .

I gave you all
You pushed me away

I sit here in the dark
You always come to steal from me
Then you go
Promising me
Promising me
You won’t
It’s different now
It’s duffernt now !!!!!!!

Trust me you say
Trust me !!!!!

I let you in .
Then you go .

Why .

You once read the words on these pages
Now you wouldn’t even touch me when I was close to you in bed
You begged me for chances
Then ignored me instead
I don’t know how to make sense of the dead .

I’m left here in my sadness
Confusion instead
Walking away
Never knowing who you really were

You begged me to hold me close to kiss me
But you pushed me away instead
I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes
I feel like screaming
Why would you do such evil to someone who loved you

I sit here lost and confused . Why .

Falls (1)

Someone will find me here
Won’t they ?
Alice in her pretty dress
She’s ready for her next adventure
As she lays in bed
Why do I feel like a mess
The piano plays heavy in the air

I have the power to conquer this
Rabbit says .
And all the boys said she’s beautiful
Except him .
The one she danced with at midnight
She held him one last time
Said her last good bye .

Maybe I’ve wasted so much time
Said the hands on this clock
Today I’m not crying .

I’m just wondering why
Where did I go wrong .
I wrote this story on my own
There’s a road Alice said
Lead to you

A dark hole
Cut my hands
The music stopped playing
It stripped me of my beauty
And I didn’t know where you had gone to

But it wasn’t me
Was it you .

I light candles in my room
I’m alone .

How does the story end Alice
How does it end .

Dear Santa

I’ve been pretty good girl this year. I don’t party I don’t have sex and my list is pretty short .

1.In home gym
2.House on beach
3.Husband who loves God .

Ok . Pretty easy .

Thanks
Santa .

Missed Turn

The rooms are crowded by young and old couples all laughing. They know what each other loves and how they take their coffee it’s not just the beat of the drum of the day it’s because they care. I realize at 40 I don’t have this and I’m alone. I never minded being alone but my life is half over and their is no one who knows how to order for me at a Restaurant or order coffee for me at a Starbucks. It may seem trivial but it’s apart of love and best friends . I’m scared I’ll never have it never know it, I wasted my time and love on men who never paid much attention to me it’s sad - sad indeed . Am I wasted ? Is my heart wasted ? I thought I had an impact the love I gave but I suppose that isn’t true. My life is just Unrequited love never coming back full circle.

I’m 40 half my life is over . I just want to know what love means before I die. To know what it means that someone thinks of me in a special way. God willing I suppose.

Taken Back

You gave it all then took it away
You cut my heart to turn it black
I’m taking it back from you .
Your the devil in saviors robe . - Y.C.


It’s the society we get lost in
Managing direction amongst the crowds
Mindless and empty
You took my cross to bury me .

Guess what Mr grim reaper
All the blood is on your hands
Mixed with the poison
That fills your bones .

You saw me as a siene
Took my hands to let them go

It’s the devil in sheep’s clothes .
How did you do it
With no regret .

Your the black in my sky
You are the night
Make no mistake
It doesn’t matter what lie you feed yourself
As the flies circle .

I can’t believe you led me here
Down your sink hole
And I was heaven
You gave it away

Big Change

As I drove home yesterday I was thinking of the situations I’ve been put through the past few weeks and though it’s taken a toll on me I realized I’ve changed.I know longer am attracted to situations that are not healthy for me. I no longer need to gain someone’s love to receive value. I used to let people treat me badly because I felt I deserved it and I was not good enough. But now I’m treated poorly I know they are not enough. What a break through moment! If someone loves you they would do what it took to not hurt you and love you. Love never fails. If they walk instead well they didn’t love you enough and you deserve better. I’m not wasting another day on anyone who says one thing but there actions say the opposite. I’m 40 I’ve wasted years of my love on people who took me for granted and never gave anything in return. I’ve just basically been used. No one has ever stepped up to love me I’m the one doing all the loving. Also I won’t date anyone with out Gods permission first. I feel stronger and I know what I deserve a true loving partner who cares about me / Amy.

This has been a long hard road full of pain but also growth. I’m proud of who I’ve finally become.

Once

There’s something about death
The way the pain never dies
The way you cry so hard
Your bones hurt
And it hurts so hard
You can’t see around you
Some how I stand here numb

This is my life .
The acceptance of your death
I know you’ve come
And gone

I lie here staring at my ceiling
With nothing left but memories

And I play our song
I don’t know where to go from here
I’m
Alone in this .

I walk away
As I held you one last time
Pretending you loved me

I wished we danced in the night like we once did
I wish you looked at me like you once did

Now are hands are lost in the distant crowd

I say my last good byes .

Love

I think In the 40 years I’ve been alive the biggest lesson I’ve learned is love is not selfish. The Bible says so. I deserve to be treated for the woman I am. I sacrifice everything when I love someone. I should be shown the same. I think people are selfish when they don’t truly love you or themselves. I know I deserve the level of love I give. Love cost nothing. I would rather be single and love myself then be with someone who is undeserving of my love as they treat me like their  door mat with out any care in the world. It’s crazy to think anyone calls this love. Love never fails right. Unconditional love does not 

I won’t settle for someone with just words and no actions. Who does not love with character of God. 

I’m strong now I’ve been through it all I’m wiser. If you treat me badly or say you love me but have nothing to

Show for it then I’m not wasting my time. 

I would rather be alone then have the person I love make me feel bad about myself. These people are empty. 

I’m not . I’m blessed to know the difference. Love is a bank account if your constantly filling someone’s bank with all your love and they just take until your negative how can you go on ? They need to fill you up back !!!! 

People will use you and lie to you 

Words mean nothing. Actions do. Never settle for something that just isn’t real

Take it from me I know