Why .

You once read the words on these pages
Now you wouldn’t even touch me when I was close to you in bed
You begged me for chances
Then ignored me instead
I don’t know how to make sense of the dead .

I’m left here in my sadness
Confusion instead
Walking away
Never knowing who you really were

You begged me to hold me close to kiss me
But you pushed me away instead
I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes
I feel like screaming
Why would you do such evil to someone who loved you

I sit here lost and confused . Why .

Falls (1)

Someone will find me here
Won’t they ?
Alice in her pretty dress
She’s ready for her next adventure
As she lays in bed
Why do I feel like a mess
The piano plays heavy in the air

I have the power to conquer this
Rabbit says .
And all the boys said she’s beautiful
Except him .
The one she danced with at midnight
She held him one last time
Said her last good bye .

Maybe I’ve wasted so much time
Said the hands on this clock
Today I’m not crying .

I’m just wondering why
Where did I go wrong .
I wrote this story on my own
There’s a road Alice said
Lead to you

A dark hole
Cut my hands
The music stopped playing
It stripped me of my beauty
And I didn’t know where you had gone to

But it wasn’t me
Was it you .

I light candles in my room
I’m alone .

How does the story end Alice
How does it end .

Dear Santa

I’ve been pretty good girl this year. I don’t party I don’t have sex and my list is pretty short .

1.In home gym
2.House on beach
3.Husband who loves God .

Ok . Pretty easy .

Thanks
Santa .

Missed Turn

The rooms are crowded by young and old couples all laughing. They know what each other loves and how they take their coffee it’s not just the beat of the drum of the day it’s because they care. I realize at 40 I don’t have this and I’m alone. I never minded being alone but my life is half over and their is no one who knows how to order for me at a Restaurant or order coffee for me at a Starbucks. It may seem trivial but it’s apart of love and best friends . I’m scared I’ll never have it never know it, I wasted my time and love on men who never paid much attention to me it’s sad - sad indeed . Am I wasted ? Is my heart wasted ? I thought I had an impact the love I gave but I suppose that isn’t true. My life is just Unrequited love never coming back full circle.

I’m 40 half my life is over . I just want to know what love means before I die. To know what it means that someone thinks of me in a special way. God willing I suppose.

Taken Back

You gave it all then took it away
You cut my heart to turn it black
I’m taking it back from you .
Your the devil in saviors robe . - Y.C.


It’s the society we get lost in
Managing direction amongst the crowds
Mindless and empty
You took my cross to bury me .

Guess what Mr grim reaper
All the blood is on your hands
Mixed with the poison
That fills your bones .

You saw me as a siene
Took my hands to let them go

It’s the devil in sheep’s clothes .
How did you do it
With no regret .

Your the black in my sky
You are the night
Make no mistake
It doesn’t matter what lie you feed yourself
As the flies circle .

I can’t believe you led me here
Down your sink hole
And I was heaven
You gave it away

Big Change

As I drove home yesterday I was thinking of the situations I’ve been put through the past few weeks and though it’s taken a toll on me I realized I’ve changed.I know longer am attracted to situations that are not healthy for me. I no longer need to gain someone’s love to receive value. I used to let people treat me badly because I felt I deserved it and I was not good enough. But now I’m treated poorly I know they are not enough. What a break through moment! If someone loves you they would do what it took to not hurt you and love you. Love never fails. If they walk instead well they didn’t love you enough and you deserve better. I’m not wasting another day on anyone who says one thing but there actions say the opposite. I’m 40 I’ve wasted years of my love on people who took me for granted and never gave anything in return. I’ve just basically been used. No one has ever stepped up to love me I’m the one doing all the loving. Also I won’t date anyone with out Gods permission first. I feel stronger and I know what I deserve a true loving partner who cares about me / Amy.

This has been a long hard road full of pain but also growth. I’m proud of who I’ve finally become.

Once

There’s something about death
The way the pain never dies
The way you cry so hard
Your bones hurt
And it hurts so hard
You can’t see around you
Some how I stand here numb

This is my life .
The acceptance of your death
I know you’ve come
And gone

I lie here staring at my ceiling
With nothing left but memories

And I play our song
I don’t know where to go from here
I’m
Alone in this .

I walk away
As I held you one last time
Pretending you loved me

I wished we danced in the night like we once did
I wish you looked at me like you once did

Now are hands are lost in the distant crowd

I say my last good byes .

Love

I think In the 40 years I’ve been alive the biggest lesson I’ve learned is love is not selfish. The Bible says so. I deserve to be treated for the woman I am. I sacrifice everything when I love someone. I should be shown the same. I think people are selfish when they don’t truly love you or themselves. I know I deserve the level of love I give. Love cost nothing. I would rather be single and love myself then be with someone who is undeserving of my love as they treat me like their  door mat with out any care in the world. It’s crazy to think anyone calls this love. Love never fails right. Unconditional love does not 

I won’t settle for someone with just words and no actions. Who does not love with character of God. 

I’m strong now I’ve been through it all I’m wiser. If you treat me badly or say you love me but have nothing to

Show for it then I’m not wasting my time. 

I would rather be alone then have the person I love make me feel bad about myself. These people are empty. 

I’m not . I’m blessed to know the difference. Love is a bank account if your constantly filling someone’s bank with all your love and they just take until your negative how can you go on ? They need to fill you up back !!!! 

People will use you and lie to you 

Words mean nothing. Actions do. Never settle for something that just isn’t real

Take it from me I know

UnDeR StReEt LighTs

I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl you're taking home- Dancing On My Own . 


It’s half past dawn 
I can’t stop this song 
All around around in my head 
It was you I was dancing with 
Under the empty street lights . 

How did you forget 
As you promised 
I’ll never let you go . 

And I’m here 
Wondering if you see me now 
I waited so long 
To have you back in my arms . 

I lay here alone 
Always alone 
Memories of us fill the night 
I cry . 

Couldn’t you see me 
The one 
Who loved you for so long . 

Maybe the note you left under my pillow 
Is long gone . 
But your the one I dance with every night 
As I wait for you to come - home 

Did you see me 
I fought for you 
Did you see me 
Watching you from the corner . 

As I stand here now 
Under the street lights 
Watching the sun rise . 

I never stopped loving you . 

Stagnate

It’s the bottom of the barrel 

The lights are on 

The dawn whispers as my thoughts linger 

If I could I would go back 

To yesterday 

When you fell

Asleep inside my soul 

In my arms . 

We laughed as the sun set 

Kissed til the stars met 

What I wouldn’t give 

For you to look at me that way again 

As your fingers in the morning we’re still locked with mine . 

Now you lay silent next to me 

I wonder where your mind is 

I just want to meet you there 

I just wanted to meet you 

Right here 

Under the street lights where we left off 

In the cold 

Never letting go . 

Never ever letting go . 

Taming Alice (1)

The wind is blowing the sails 

Alice says we ain’t movin 

And we ain’t home . 

Rust has set in Alice 

Says the cat 

We’ve come so far she said 

To sit here amoungst the shore . 

She covers her bruises well 

They all say she’s beautiful 

But none of that matters now 

All that mattered was that he was home 

But it’s still raining said rabbit . 

Your bandages are a mess . 

The wind is harsh and cold 

As we settle these bets all alone 

And time she laughs . 

I ask God to show me in the distance 

Will we make it . 

I’ve come so far he said . 

All I ever wanted was for him to love me 

The way he loved me before 

There is no calm - on the sea 

I ask the rabbit 

Is there love out there for me . 

Dear 2018

As I listen to Breathe by NF I decided to write 2018 a letter. This year I’ve had the most bad things happen in one year. I’m not playing victim this isn’t what this blog is about but if anyone knows me they know, I’m capable of standing my own ground. The year begun with a new job new boyfriend and I got laid off and I lost everything I worked hard for even my car and my good credit. My boyfriend was there for me but I was a mess a deep depression. I found another job but it was alright.
As we moved through the year to make story’s short I lost my boyfriend I thought I was going to marry he left me for someone else . My dog died the same week, this year I spent in the hospital so many times for my heart thought it was the end having a heart attack.

My friend died of an over dose not one of them but three . And I hired a trainer he pretended to be 28 he was only 22. I tried to wonder can anything go right ? Months have gone by there’s not a day that’s gone by I have not cried. People wonder why I don’t go out and date or party I wonder how I even smile .

I decided though I wouldn’t go out like this I’m no victim. My little girl looks up to me. She can’t see me give up and so many times I just didn’t want to live anymore I couldnt go on.

I decided I’m a warrior I was going to be the best yet . 2018 had me drowning but not dead. I got a new great job. Changed my body and my mind . I’m letting God heal me. They can say my life is boring but I’ll go into 2019 with God’s power and peace.

I’ll forgive all those who hurt me. Work through my grieving, never ever give up because there’s a hope in 2019. There may be the pain and dissapointment of yesterday but with God I have the hope in tomorrow no matter how much goes wrong .

So as we end this year I’ll go out fighting, crushing every goal I ever started . Nothing can stop me

The Way It Goes -2019

I sit here outside of work I’m always early. This month I should do a 100k maybe my best month yet I’m on track to do all I want to do as far as my goals but if I’m being honest I’m so hard on myself I feel really fat still even though I’ve literally lost half a foot in inches alone off my waist in 5 months. I still feel like I’m no where close. But that’s just me. I’ve hit every goal I set out I keep pushing harder and I’m tired. I need a vacation or a break. I think I’m just still sad. I think no
Matter what I just need to trust in God’s plan for me no matter what it is. I need to learn it’s going to be alright . I’m still grieving . It’s a process. I’m doing good other wise . I’m smart I’ve become wise and staying the course has been good for me. I plan on doing this through the holidays staying single and still focused on my goals . Revisit for 2019 will be moving . That’s next on the list .

Rivers Edge

Something broke that day in ways I never thought I could break 

The story seems to be getting stale like old bread they said 

But it’s the poison I ingested 

I watched the arms of the clock 

Pause for a moment 

At the time I found we became disconnected 

I visit this memory where we are still kissing 

To pretend the nightmares never happened . 

It’s like layers of blankets 

Us. 

Never to be uncovered or forgotten 

Someone tries to touch it 

Uncover it 

Its an open wound and I still cry for it 

Try to make sense of it . 

I’m alone you see

In this world 

I been lost since you left home 

I been left searching 

I always thought you would be lost with out me 

I’m a mess 

I don’t care who does not understand that 

I pray wherever you are 

You feel it . 

My friends they want me to be happy 

But I’m happy remembering you smiling at me . 

That memory fades as I’m left here clutching . 

I pray for God to heal me . 

As I try to sleep . 

If Everything Came True

If I had my way . Although I know I have to wait to see Gods plans but if I had my way this is what I dream every day . But you never know God could have a better life or maybe just a whole different life planned so it really does not matter what Amy wants but I still hope for it so here it goes

I wish I had Paige Hathaway’s body. I work hard but she literally works out 2 hours a day I need money to have my job to train all day. So next goal is more money. Secondly I dream of writing the rest of the day at the book store at sea port village this takes money too . So far I need a lot more money. Thirdly I wish I lived near the ocean I just need more money. Fourthly I wish my ex boyfriend was in the process of changing his life and at any moment he will show up changed and we will live happily ever after. That takes a miracle . So far we need lots of money and God,

Fifth goal long romantic road trips to the mountains listening to punk rock music not country
Yes I’m the coolest and one day of my ex does not return I pray he realizes he’s an idiot. And I find MR right someday and we will go to the mountains and I will look some what like Paige Hathaway and hopefully I’m not to old and I will cry thanking God for answering my prayer

As for now I’m laying in bed working on my body and my money wondering how to make this real

The Contents of Lack

The words ring loud as my son tells me mom you just love shitty people as he hangs up the phone. It’s Saturday morning I’m an hour early for work so I’m writing what I’ve been thinking all week. It’s not about loving shitty people. I watched a video a few nights ago about being attracted to situations that are in lack. So you are dating this hot guy and it’s great and all the sudden they are lacking in attention or they are emotionally abusive or whatever the case is you should leave the situation immediately because nothing about this person or situation should be attractive to you. You stay with lack. You long for it to change thru say they love you, but love is not lack or longing. 

What is it in me that is attracted to the situation of lack. I stayed in lack. I loved someone and still do in lack. But I will never be in a situation again in lack. Be it him or anyone I realize now what love means and it’s healthy and what healthy is I’m no longer wanting lack. Crowd please applaud. I thought I lacked in beauty in everything I didn’t see my own value. So I let myself become a door mat. 

Who could respect this? I’m one to be respected because I’m not lack? My friend told me I could chew someone up and spit them out.I loved that! Because I’m no longer lack. I do believe God can change lives and paths I would be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t pray this for my ex every day. But today and In my future I’m not lack. 

I’m writing this to encourage you to not desire lack. I’m not dating because I need to heal all the wounds that caused me to be in lack. I don’t care what people think God has me in a holding place of healing. 

It’s more important to heal and become whole and to learn my value then to ever fall into lack again. I hope this may of helped anyone out there!!!!!! 

Love is appreciation , truth , loyalty , honor , not lack . 

Remember this . You shouldn’t have to long for someone to be those things that’s lack. We are valuable and deserve love. 

No One

If I win the war why am I silent 

If I made it why are there stitches in my chest 

If I’m the beloved why is my gun empty 

I’m lost in the desert 

We are the only ones left 

Aren’t we ? 

I’m the one aren’t I ? 

They say I’m tangled 

As I run away from your accident 

It’s like I’m fine leaving the scene of this crime 

They ask if I’m alright 

I think I’m in shock 

As they report it on the news tonight 

Yeah it’s that kind of story 

Right ? 

I couldn’t  explain it if I tried . 

I’m like the tomb raider in this ordinary life 

No one could ever know what it was like 

The strife . 

It’s like the twisted metal of the wreckage is my life 

But hold on I’ll brush off my knees 

Wash off the tears 

Hide the make up smeared across my face 

Because I’m just fine ...... 

You say you get it 

No one gets it . 

I’m a different breed 

I’m branded . 

I’ve been in a different story 

The kind you see in those movies . 

I try to live this normal life 

But then the memories hit me . 

I’m a modern day super hero

My nights aren’t coffee and tea 

My gun is empty 

I’m healing 

You almost destroyed me . 

Not Entirely Sure

In this day in age I’m really feeling good about hibernation mode and healing let me tell you being in safety mode is ok . I’m healing from someone who lied to me and trust me the world out there is full of really bad people I’m telling everyone to be guarded and it’s perfectly ok to do so . God said Amy don’t date . I’m listening intently why ? Because when you don’t listen you fall into the wrong hands. Trust me. I’m healing I’m in the right place right now . I don’t know what God’s plan is but I’m not listening to anyone but God and I’m being patient .

God says to cling on to what is good and to get rid of the rest . I had a friend tell me lying does not define a person . He is no longer my friend. Always look at the fruit of people’s actions and cut them accordingly and live by Gods will and he will bless you

Asleep

Im taking my last breath 

They say some dreams aren’t meant to last 

I can’t stitch all these wounds 

As I collect the tears as I’m alone in this room 

They say love last forever 

Then why did you say good bye in that letter 

I beg to differ . 

Because now there’s nothing left to decipher 

If you want to know the truth 

I’m left in this prison 

Of the pain you left me in . 

I scream alone 

No one sees me crying . 

I’m dying 

What does the last breath sound like 

The last letter signed 

Here’s a stamp 

Thank you for your time 

As we watched the sun rise 

Did you forget how you fell asleep on me every night . 

Now I’m left with your name on my side . 

They say dreams are meant to last

Left with the Braille of your lost finger prints 

This is my letter to you 

As I close my eyes 

One last time 

I can never stitch the wounds 

Left behind 

What does the last breath sound like 

As we lose our hands in the crowd . 

The Big Switch

As I get closer to my goal I decided to start a Instagram solely to my fit journey. My friend told me over time it’s a good way to build followers and get paid sponsers as a woman. I’m
Working on building a net work to help others on their journey. I want to grow and heal as a community. Please follow my fit blog and my Instagram AmyEverettfit. I recently hired a trainer to help me get to my goal 10-12 % body fat . I just can’t lift that heavy on my own. I’m proud of how far I’ve come , proud of where I’m going. I know this journey has been nothing but emotional and hard and it will continue to be . I’m sad at my losses this year so I’m fighting for what I can control that is a better me. The best me I can be . And let God handle the rest .