Asleep

It’s the inside of the clock rusting
As the buttons fall from eyes
I feel like I’m in a nightmare
Alive .

I heard you can’t find angles in hell
Yet I tried to find your hand amoungst the fire
Knowing I couldn’t reach you .

It’s so dark here
Unzip my smile
Outpour pockets full of letters
Lined with I love you forever

As you kiss someone else .
I’m hanging from the tree
You wrote our initials in

And I’m in disbelief .
A twisted picture of you
Never loving me .


Because you can’t find angels in hell
I tried to be your hero
Tried to be your one and only

And there isn’t much I can do
As I deflate
Here in memories

Nothing I can do
But sleep
You haunt me in my dreams
You never thought of me
Never loved me
Please don’t wake me

New Day

It’s 4 am I can’t sleep . Yesterday I went to the gym came home took apart all my furniture cleaned out my entire room and sold it all . I’m pretty impressed I did it all alone . I think I burned a million calories . I’m going to get a new bedroom set hopefully tomorrow for Raigan . I’m so tired and hungry and sore . Me and Raigan are sleeping on the couch not really helping my back . I pray for good sales at work today . Stress has caused me to sell nothing in a week . Not like me at all . God please help me today . I’ll try to get an hours worth of sleep . I pray despite all I been through that today is full of promise and miracles .

Boxing

It’s Tuesday it’s my day off and I’m ready to go to the gym . I feel exhausted . I know it’s stress . I have to push myself through it . Better days will come . People you love will let you down and fail you and even leave you 

This has been very hard on me this year . I don’t even trust myself anymore because the things I believed in the most were a lie . I’m a pretty smart girl been through so much how did I get things so wrong . I’m baffled 

I remember about 5 months ago I told myself even when things were uncertain to keep pushing to my goals and crush them ! Physically , emotionally , financially , and spiritually . Why ? Because no matter how sad I am now or what wrong someone would do to me I refuse to be the victim . So when the pain subsides I will look around and think wow I accomplished all this even in the hardest of times and I’ll be where I need to be when I come out of the sadness . This is exactly what I did I did not give up . 

Did the unthinkable happen ? Yes ? Did I accomplish my goals in spite of it? Yes . What if I let the depression get to me and I did nothing with my goals . And when bad things happened I would be in such a bad place . I would hate my self . 

God saved me from drowning . God saved me from a bad situation from a man who is not capable of loving me 

Am I torn apart because my dreams were ripped away from me . The dream of a loving family , the dream of road trips to the mountains , the dream of someone being “ emotionally available “ and being a Godly leader of my home . 

But he didn’t chose this path . And if I didn’t accomplish my goals I would be like girl where did I go wrong ? 

But instead I’m looking God in the eye knowing I’m doing right . Because this is what he has for me . He brought me out of hell not to go back in the dark place . 

Gods land is made of milk and honey . Not pain , lies and confusion . 

Maybe one day I’ll have this dream . I can’t picture it any more honestly for myself . I’m 40. When your 40 and the one isn’t the one it’s time to hang up the towel , I look forward to new goals and Christmas time and making my own travel arrangements . 

Would it have been better with him yes 

But the dream him . Not the reality . 

I’m better off alone . 

We all deserve love . Nothing less . 

And when you actually work hard to do it for yourself you find value in yourself . Your not going to let some loser abuse you at his will because he feels like it and toss you away as he feels like it ....... 

I mean what ?????? I’m God’s child . I’m loving and have the world to offer 

I don’t belong in the gutter . Neither do you . 

Never stop - 

Amy 

Arrow

I can’t stand on your quick sand 

Your necklace my noose 

You call me your friend 

Trust me he said 

The devil is a sheep to 

I recognize his breath 

My light - shines your path 

As I fall away 

You become a stranger in a black hat 

You never 

Never 

Touched me in the depths of my heart 

You never tried to be there 

You were the ghost I tried to save from drowning as the sun set 

I waited for you in this grave yard 

You never came . 

I had angel wings you said

Then you said I was to blame . 

I hear the ocean now 

I sit here alone . 

I don’t know where you had gone 

The air is black . 

I waited . 

For you to 

Love me . 

You slit my throat instead . 

Like flies around a beautiful fire 

I digress 

My stomach hurts 

You never chose us 

Don’t Lose Heart

I would have lost heart , unless that I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living - Psalm  27:13

Need this verse .  Wait on the Lord . Do not lose heart when things aren’t going well . Don’t lose heart when Satan tries to lie and steel your joy . 

Wait on the Lord . God is always good when things seem like they are all wrong 

God is closer then you think even when he seems far . 

Don’t lose heart when you have sorrow . Gods will is to bring you a hope and a future . 

When the world Rips you apart keep your armor of righteousness against the firey arrows of the enemy . Stand in the power of Christ . 

Don’t lose heart . 

Way It Goes

Sometimes we can’t help people . Like I said it’s Gods job . You can’t make evil people good or jealous people secure . One of my exes girlfriends reads my blog 3 times a day for 5 years . It’s crazy I never looked at her stuff once ? Why because I don’t care . These people have issues that aren’t your own . My boyfriend who I stood by his side loving him as he was an addict left me after promising to get better for our future and was with a 24 year old ! Told me it’s my fault I was bad for him . It’s in every day things with people . They put your issues on others to avoid there own issues . God is not author of confusion ! The Bible says . God says you know them by there fruit . And it’s hard not to take things personally right ? When you invest in people love people but there issues are your fault ? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone . I’m a good loving person who would hurt no one

I’ll just keep following God and trusting him to guide my path . You can’t save the lost only God Can and it’s not my fault they sin . I didn’t create there issues . Don’t let people blame you for there crazy short comings . Just keep being you and do what’s right . God says to cling on to what is good and get rid of the rest .

Alice

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire Cat In a tree , which road do I take , asked Alice . Where do you want to go ? He asked . I don’t know said Alice . Then it does not matter said the cat .



So many lessons in one quote . Who are you ? What do you stand for ? What value do you have in yourself ? With out goals or strong footing of who you are , you will end up any where in life with nearly any one . If you stand for nothing then you stand for nothing and stand against nothing .

Weak minded people taking no control over there lives . Excepting anything  . I’ll tell you these are not my kind of people . I’m strong in my integrity I set goals and have standards . Some people have no standards no character , why ? Because they stand for nothing  . No honor in this . We only live once . People just float around hurting others because they have no direction in life . They just don’t care . With out clearly knowing who you are you’ll end up any where with anyone . Find your direction be different then anyone else , have character .

Good night

The Miracles

Today I weighed myself I’m only 5 pounds away from a goal weight that seemed almost impossible to hit . Now I can make new goals and believe in myself 100% that I can do it . Today I celebrate my own strength and the strength God has given me these past months . Through very hard and tragic circumstances I never thought I would make it out of , God took my hand and showed me it’s not my strength that will get me through it , it’s his strength 

I was a drowning girl with no hope 

I put my hope in my boyfriend at the time and in my own strength to save him and us . So when anything went wrong I went under ( drowning in pain) 

I put my hope in Jesus found a Christian mentor who spoke truth in my life I never even knew . This alone with Gods healing changed my heart and my thoughts . It’s God’s purpose I seek him every day for answers . Not the world . I seek him to change me and others not myself . So many burdens . I left at the cross . It took praying 10 times a day , reading my word , coaching by my mentor and reading the Bible . I still have healing to do but my path is on a rock not quicksand . I’ll only be with someone if they are on a rock not quicksand either 

There strength and truth comes from God . God speaks to me every day . My path will never waiver . I’m sure about myself and my identity in God 

I’ll stay single and with God as he teaches me . I urge everyone to let go let God and seek him with all your heart . I learned so much and god has done in such a short time . I used to cry begging god for help now I cry thanking him for saving me !!! 

Thank you God . It’s real and it’s the answer . My health is better my job my over all mind set . When things come that are hard I give it to Christ to handle he shows me what to do where to go . Consult with God he will lead you to a future of hope and purpose and love . 

The Only Thing I Know

When something does not go right , could be anything really . I mean I know how this feels I spent months facing a lot of pain . I was thinking today at work how was I so wrong . How do you get wrong that the love of your life never loved you ? This makes me second guess everything I think I know for sure . Things when they fall the only real advice I have to give the only thing that worked for me was be a better you every day . Whatever this is . Go get help if you need it or get close to god or be a better friend or a better parent . No matter what it is don’t give up . I know I wanted to . And maybe it would be easier to give up at this moment but what would that cure or solve ? Nothing . Don’t be self destructive either . Just follow your purpose one foot in front of the other take it day by day . At least even if your sad your still accomplishing things . When your accomplishing things it’s hard not to feel proud of your accomplishments ! Pretty soon you’ll be your own hero . Making you stronger and better . So keep moving keep going never quit . One morning you’ll
Wake up and realize your better than the bad situation you were in

You can do it ! I’m living proof .

Morning Run

Going running before the gym listening to Dont Care by Galantis . I’m writing as I warm up
As my week progressed to be more like a bad movie that Vince Vaughn may star in I believe I’m not processing until last night I really lost it in my car . When you lose your dreams it’s haunting I’m 40
I’m not 24. I built my life around a person I thought we had it figured out . So what do you do when they don’t have the same dream ? I don’t have the answer . This week has been a little nuts . All I can do is push myself forward like I’ve been and just give it to God . When it hurts I say God take it and fix it . I do it 50 times a day but it’s all I can do . Walk in Gods power . God says in the Bible to
Cling on to what is good and get rid of the rest . Follow gods word let him guide me . Don’t lose your integrity or character . Forgive Me God for I am so angry and hurt . I pray I can one day forgive

Trama

It’s crazy to me that I cried every day for 8 months over my love because I believed in us with all my heart and soul to find out in one evening he never cared or loved me my mind can’t process it
How did I get it so wrong ? Today I wake up a new day and try to erase this aweful person from
My memory . What he had done is so painful . I will try to walk upright and believe and hope in whatever future God has for me . I didn’t deserve this and I can’t make it better . They say your healed when you can tell your story with out crying . I’m not sure how to get to that point but I will move forward like a warrior . Maybe we get mountains to show others they can be moved . To help others . But right now no one has loved me at all it’s my job to love myself and heal
And to find joy in the path God guides me in . Here we go another chapter . Let’s get through this the year is almost over let’s make it count !

I Love

It’s 1 am . I was woken up I’m quite upset I have gym early , I decided to write about the things I love .Since I don’t really matter to anyone I’ll write about what matters to me : 

I love tiramisu cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and fresh sushi I also love punk music because it’s music for the soul it’s genuine like me 

I also believe in no regrets . I love the lord he def watches over me closely 

I love my kids . I love how my daughter wakes me in the middle of the night to

Say she loves me . I love the hope we have in God helps me to face every new day . I love road trips and traveling 

Most of all I love old book stores and the smell of coffee in winter . I love winter and cold weather . I love the ocean it’s my peace but I love lake arrowhead to it’s romantic . 

I wish someone had loved me for all these things I am a writer I love being a free thinker . I love that I’m wise when I need to be . I love I’m a hard worker and a good mother . 

I love flowers , I wish I had new ones every day . I love interesting people and I love my friends . They are there for me.  I love running and excersise I love cars . I love that I’m strong and free willed. I love that God has set me apart . I love tattoos and museums and art . I love the smell of garlic and butter in a loving home .i love accomplishing goals . 

This is me . No one has noticed because I’ve given all my heart and gotten none in return . 

I love I have the choice to make a difference . 

Traveling Light

Now that I’m alone sitting at Barnes and Nobles , I’m just a girl and her pen 

I feel like it’s sad I’m 40. I’ve never had forever love . I thought I did but the other person didn’t feel it so what do you do with disappointment . Maybe I’m meant to travel the world alone . 

I can’t imagine my life any other way now . I’m 40 I had my future planned it fell through I’m broken and exhausted

What does a girl like me do ? Keep crushing goals ? Keep putting one foot in front of the other until I’m ok ? 

But when will it be ok ? Do I accept it adjust to it ? Adapt ? Finding joy with out your partner who you wanted to share your life with is a big adjustment 

But maybe I’ll find my footing on my own . 40 never really been loved 

Such a tragedy .  

The List

Recently I got my heart ripped to shreds by one person . My heart is to big and to trusting as people play games with my heart . It’s appalling to me I’m a good person . I feel like I’ll never date again . You think you found the one and they are evil to you ? So I have a list for anyone who is dating of how to be more careful .


A. Loves the lord and walks the walk

This right here should weed out most bad seeds or give you a better shot

B. For me maturity . Speaks for its self

C. Intelligence . I’m very smart pretty successful . I need you to keep me on my toes spiritually and intellectually .

D. Fashion - neat and tidy good dressing is important

E. Puts your needs first !!!! Yeah .

This is a good start

Above My Head

It was my spirit you cracked to its bones . 

Knowing I lived our memories alone 

Blood drying on the bed we used to lie in . Surrounded by yellow tape 

And you forgot 

That I kept you from drowning 

As I kissed you . 

But you cracked me to the bone 

Like ashes I threw your notes 

Every letter tells a story of forever 

As you let me go 

You let me go . 

When you should’ve been fighting 

For me . 

It’s all I had 

It was everything I gave 

To you 

I died losing you 

And you laughed in the sunrise 

To you no loss 

As my gains turn into broken 

Picture frames . 

And you come along 

And I can’t believe 

You let us go . 

And I burn 

In the ocean 

Over the sunrise . 

And I smile 

I’m free 

From the fog of you 

Never loving me 

I gave it all 

Gave you everything

And you threw it away 

Knowing I lived these memories alone 

Takes all the breath from me 

And I can’t breathe 

I always kept you from drowning . 

Alone in my sea . 

 

Tragic

He’s gone now but I’m alive
Take my hand he said .

Princesses don’t walk in quick sand
And I don’t belong in the gutter
How did you find yourself there .

I’m a buried treasure
Lost under the sea

How did you think
I’m a captain of this sea .

Why would you think it’s alright
My red puffy lips
Straight suits they’ll never understand

It’s alright
I’m the lost words you can’t find
I’m standing tall on my sail boat

Yes I am
Why would you think
I would let myself
In the trash ?

Oh man you must be
Shaken .

Don’t you know who I am
Kissed you with puffy red lips .

Along the ocean .
You said take my hand
But boy I don’t belong in the gutter
My heart is big and so is my time .

Now your gone
I’m still alive
I won’t let this sink my ship

And I’ll be fine .
You never loved me
I’ll be fine
You never saw me
I’ll be fine

I’m still alive

The Enemy

It’s Tuesdsy , God has been blessing me like crazy because I gave my life to him and follow him . I follow God every day . The only person I account to is God . God tells me everything and shows me everything . If someone has bad character and low morals God shows me . I’m a strong single parent who has taken care of two kids basically by myself . I pretty much have them full time .  It’s funny when your walking with God and your a morally good person people try to tear you down . Tell you your on the wrong path or a bad example ? It’s amazing to me . People try to tear you down or control you and it’s the enemy . God has been blessing me with miracle after miracle and given joy to me and everyone around me . To wear my best friend told me I had a direct channel from God . So how bad of a person am I ? I’m on the right path not because I’m perfect but because I’m following Jesus . People want you to follow there ideas of you but the only person I listen to is Jesus . When your finally doing good Satan will tear you down . I have integrity and morals . I’ve needed a man to feel complete . If I love someone I love them with integrity and character . So if someone wants to attack me tell me I’m a bad person for getting tattoos or losing weight they can kiss off !

I earned the right to be happy . So kiss my booty . This is new me 2018 I’m proud of who I am how far I’ve come . And all the stalkers and news reporters that like to gossip
About me , well I feel sorry for you . That I take up any part of your day is pathetic . Put that energy into yourself . Go to the gym find your happiness . Because only miserable people try to tear others down .


Good luck to you 🖤

Curve Ball

Sometimes life throws you a strong fast curve ball , hits you right in the face . It shatters you takes you by surprise but no matter what it can’t be taken back or fixed . We wonder if we can ever heal from it . We wonder what we ever did to deserve it . There’s never an answer . We did our best gave our hearts and here it came anyway . Life isn’t fair . Maybe the endless love I believe in really just does not exist for me after all . I’m 40 and alone and because of the curve ball I’m going to stay this way . 

You can’t do much when your face is bleeding anyway . And all the love I gave was tossed away . 

It’s shocking being shattered . All I can do now is pray I turn out ok . 

Forgive - To Be Free

I’m listening to the Used On My Own . It’s my day off I’m laying in bed . I wanted to talk about forgiveness true forgiveness . It’s hard forgiving someone with no conscience  . You think how can they not care about your heart or how it feels or how could they lie or let you down in such a big way . All your love and thoughts and feelings never mattered . It’s a lot of pain . You really hate this person because you loved them so much . You ask how can any one do so much evil against you ? 

God says in the end times man will have no conscience of right or wrong . 

If someone is walking with God and has a relationship with him , how can they hurt you ? Well it’s easy they don’t , of course everyone makes mistakes as Christians , but if we love God and are walking with him , you have Gods love compassion and truth 

Satan comes to destroy us . And the enemy will hurt you . Using people to hurt you in any way . We have to see the enemy for what he is doing to the persons life and ours , we have to pray for there path and pray we can forgive but move on. These people who don’t care about your well being are not for you . We are not meant to give love and be treated so wrong . 

We deserve it back . Forgiveness I need to work on today . But I pray God heals the great creator of pain that was left in the wake . 

This is a new journey . Don’t let Satan destroy you . 

Today

I am anointed said my mentor who prayed for me . God has anointed you she said . No more violence within your borders . Sounded awesome what did it mean ? In laments terms it means Gods got my back . So much so people at my work claim I have a direct channel to God . Well I hope so . I pray for answers God gets them to me . If someone is shady I don’t have to worry God shows me . If I need sales God sends them . Whatever it is God is there . Thank you God ! This week has been the hardest but I’m standing because I know I’m anointed . Things did not go my way this week God is saying Amy go this way instead . I need to know my worth and my value and know God has a life of special for me ! Not of pain . Thank you God for being my savior !