Journey (1)

Maybe if I was Alcapone and not Alice I could maybe wear a gun on my sleeve and maybe pretend I don’t have to feel a thing but instead Alice shares her heart to her own devices and it serves her morning under coffee and prayers that maybe he’ll find me here . Jesus tells me to be strong and I suck back the tears on my morning drives and I think I can’t get through this . 

Maybe we can smoke our cigars God and I know you got this - but it does not make today’s pain better so I’ll pretend for a moment that Alice has a gun and we are soldiers .

Just for a moment because maybe we are soldiers and maybe we are brave . 

As we fall effortlessly down the rabbit holes . Scraping our knees all the way down , looking up for your hands to grasp for us once again . 

And we wait ..... God said - girl it’s a journey . So I put on my Al Capone face but I’ll tell you it isn’t working as tears fall . But I’m a soldier said - Alice . 

And she wears her heart on this sleeve 

Even though it’s not ok . 

Jesus tells me it’s going to be alright . 

Stranded

So tonight is awesome . It’s 100 degrees at 9:30 pm stranded in corona with a flat tire no air and a dying phone . Heart rate a solid 100 and I was supposed to go running and watch a movie with Raigan now I may get mugged or something . So awesome . This sucks and it’s hot . Oh my god I hate the summer . And where is my sugar free ice cream .... hopefully someone saves me .

Morning Drive

Every morning I leave for work . I put in punk music and then a heavy sadness and the reminder of him being gone starts to erode my morning . It’s a dark fog I can’t escape . How can I ? He is my love and he’s gone . I drive every morning this way for months now . I listen to music as tears stream down my face . I decided to make it my prayer time . It’s the kind of sadness that can take you down you know what I mean . Such a big loss you can’t stomach it . So I decided to pray . 

On my morning drives sometimes I weep , sometimes I question God , sometimes I beg God and sometimes I tell God I’m giving up . This is my reality . I’m sharing this with you because in my sorrow God has been teaching me something . 

Every time I get to the point where I’m so upset I can’t take it . Like I just can’t anymore . God reminds me of his miracles he can do in my life and what he is doing in my life . He shows me not to give up hope . 

He also tells me to walk in his power . I mean that’s pretty strong . I walk like I’m strong but it’s fake . I’m so sad it’s not even funny and no one knows or understands . Do you know what it’s like to abruptly lose the love of your life ? 

I’m sure I’m not alone . But no one can stop the pain . So here God is telling me to walk in “ His “ power . Wow . 

God is almighty . There is nothing God can’t do . In God’s power I can find joy in my sorrow because God will bring me a future of hope . God will work all this out . He will provide and be there for me and Raigan . 

God has the power to change all our lives . My love could be back in the future if it’s Gods will . These things I don’t know . All I know is I have to trust God in whatever happens . 

I dream about my future now . Dream about what it could be . God Is blessing us in so many ways even though I carry so much sorrow . 

But I’m holding Gods hand through this valley of hell im walking through 

I never thought in my life I could be so broken hearted . Or could have gone through so much . I don’t deserve it , I don’t understand it . But God is working I know this . That’s all I have right now to get me day to day honestly . 

I encourage anyone going through hard times to ask God to speak to you and he will . He will show you the way 

Now if only this terrible weather would go away . Good night everyone . 

Funerals

I fought a war
You drew this map
Told me everything we were fighting for
Blood and bone you said
Well make it baby til the end .

I loved you
I love you

I grabbed your hand
You told me to hold on tight
We made it to the finish line

And then

You let me go .

Mirrors

This blog will take a big turn so bare with me it’s nothing what it seems in the beginning to where I’m going in it’s ending . I’ve had a hard time with the whole you got to love yourself Amy concept . If I told you how bad it was you would never believe how deep self hatred could run . I used to not be able to even walk into a store because I felt I was to ugly . I’m serious . I thought people in the mall looked at me because of my ugliness and every laugh was at my disgust . I would leave immediately and drive off in my car .  As a young girl I started at the gym with trainers thousands of dollars hours and hours at the gym on Friday nights it was never good enough . I started taking laxatives and meth to be better . I was so thin but still I thought I was so fat . I went to have Lipo suction the doctor told me I was crazy I ordered him to do it any way . It runined my body for life it left me with lines on my legs that resemble cellulite because I had no fat it ruined my body . I was only 23 years old . Sadly I almost died in my eating disorders . I realized God had more for me . I stopped what I was doing and just went to the gym . It caused me to gain weight . No drugs no laxatives , my body was in shock .

After a few years I was able to get back to where I was but after a baby you go back and forth but you get the picture . Now at 40 the self hate is still there . I here it all the time - Amy get confident . I laugh I don’t even know what that means or where to start . God says I’m beautiful I’m his princess but how do I receive that ?

I had a boyfriend who told me I wasn’t pretty enough . It made sense to me because I hated myself I needed to be perfect a model to be loved right ????? Well the lies I told myself said so . But it was dead wrong ! So was he . I look around at couples they aren’t Instagram models and they are crazy for each other . I think about all the loving things I did for my boyfriend he was damn lucky to have me ?!!! So what’s going on ?

Then it hit me . Value . I saw a quote 2 days ago that said love yourself like you want your soul mate to love you . Wow ! Now I get it . I wanted my boyfriend to love me , value me , make me feel beautiful , special , unique . Here I am telling myself I’m ugly , worthless , and invisible .

Boy oh boy . Not really the message of love at all . It’s not how God loves us . Not how my boyfriend should love me either .

Even though I still spend countless hours in the gym , it’s because I want to feel good but I don’t care what people think . Because I have value . I’m a great friend , I was an amazing girlfriend I’m a good mom . Even though I struggle with what I tell myself still and looking at a mirror I’ll remind myself to love me the way I want my soul mate too .

Love me the way God loves me .

I wanted to share .

Love

Me

Checkered Seas (1)

I was swallowed by a checkered sea
No one could save me
It said drink me - Alice .
He kissed me so innocently
As I fell far down the rabbit hole

And consiquently it’s where I lost my direction
Upside down
Into paintings and into ceilings
That’s what love does .
The kind that’s made of things that are real

The rabbit can’t even tell time , you know
His watch is broken
He’s my best friend
He says Alice - time can’t erase it

Erase what , rabbit .
Love - he said .

Alice pauses for a while .
She can’t escape
The ceilings are sidewalks
Windows are sky’s , in a world full of masks
And misunderstanding

Alice drinks her tea
She finds hope behind a glass door
Well make it .
As the rabbit taps his watch

Alice says she must keep moving
Hides her tears in a box
Between words and broken letters

Trying to find her way back to home
And the rabbit asked - do you know where home is
Alice ?
Yes Alice says .

I just lost it .

Reality Check

I wrote a blog on this years ago . Today’s society is beauty obsessed but let’s get real it’s fake . If you follow any big cosmetology plastic surgery every swim suit model , play boy even fitness model is doing fat sucking , fat lasering , face implants , nose jobs , lip implants . So our little girls are upping the bar to look like only what money can’t buy and men are watching porn obsessing over coc addict girls trying to be as thin as possible it’s just not reality . Of course being the best you can be is the best way in a healthy way . I’m a victim to of scociety at best . Surgery , Botox , drugs , eating disorders to be accepted . I’ve almost killed my self to be loved and to simply love myself . Technology is making us naracasist . Lovers of what’s on the outside and so many of these people have no character no depth no love , we need to focus on our own unique beauty . So someone can love you for you not because you look like every other girl on Instagram . And fuck them if they don’t you have so much to offer !!! Let’s not teach our daughters to devalue themselves . They are enough !!!!

Have a great day ! I’m off to work !

Lighter Notes

This week I found myself coming down with a cold . At first I fought through it , I went to the gym tired and sick even though I was sick and tired - and tired and sick . I spend every moment counting calories and measuring my body I couldn’t miss gym time . Then it hit me like a ton of bricks I was dearthly ill and I missed the gym . The week before I was going twice a day . Now I missed I ran my body down I’m sure . 12 hour shifts and the gym and no nutrients my body said eff you Amy ! I called in sick to work after being up all night sicker then I’ve ever been and rushed to 24 hour urgent care . I couldn’t afford Raigan to get sick or miss any more gym or work ! For God’s sakes I’m gaining weight by the minute and losing money here ! Lol . The doctor said I may have pneumonia and he would write me out of work for 5 days ! I said please don’t do he wrote me out for 2 and I still went to work today . Barely making it but I’m a soldier and I sold 5k. Yesterday was surreal I spent the whole day sleeping and eating carbs it was like a day of heaven . I felt so guilty but I measured myself this morning I lost half inch off my waste I guess because I’m so sick . But hey one day of sleeping and eating a casadilla won’t kill anyone but it felt good . Today I feel better .

Tomorrow is my gym day I probably shouldn’t go . But I might . But what I learned is maybe just maybe it’s ok to not be so hard on yourself once in a while and taking a break is ok .

It’s late I just got home from work . I need to rest . But at least I burned 2500 calories at work today so it’s not a total loss . Sad I had to get sick to slow down . But next week we will be back on track again !!!

My advice is - take a break even if it’s for a day we all deserve it !

The Blog Everyone Should Read

I follow Brittany Furlan . Tommy Lees fiancé . Why you ask ? Because she is pretty kick ass chick who is real and down to earth and not afraid to be herself . Love these kinds of woman . I read her blog today hit me like a ton of bricks because it hit so close to home . How being in a bad situation can cause you to doubt who you are . Because of someone else’s brokenness . People can do a lot of damage to us and we internalize it as we were not enough . But really it’s there issues . Patterns they need to break not breaking us . I went through this same thing or very simular situation and even though the story isn’t 100% the same it’s same patterns and it caused the same damage . The lesson in how things should and shouldn’t be are so night and day . I’m going to copy and paste her blog below it’s a beautiful story . Don’t let anyone make you believe your not enough . Because you should be eveything and more and they should never need anything else .


Here it goes :

Social Media & Dating 

Today I’m going to talk about relationships, and the social media age and how it’s affecting so many relationships. 

I dated a guy before Tommy who was addicted to stalking girls on social media. While he was dating me (and supposedly only me) he messaged tons of other girls on Instagram, using his “status” to try to get them to meet up with him. One time I caught him messaging a girl on Twitter when I activated his old phone. How did I get to that point? (I’ll get there) Was that right? Probably not, but after you’ve been through it so many times (as I had at that point) and you start to get that suspicious feeling, you kind of have to itch the scratch, even if you know it’s gonna hurt. I wish that one time that I checked his stuff, I never found anything, but every time I looked, there was something. It was awful. It made me feel not good enough for anyone, unlovable…it made me feel a sadness within myself that I’ve never felt before. Why wasn’t I enough? It took me a VERY long time to realize that it was his problem, not mine. After talking with other exes of his I found out this was just a pattern. But the damage was done. I became an insecure girl.

Originally posted by remanence-of-love

See, before that relationship I had never been cheated on, never been hurt; never dated someone who would hurt me. So it was such a shock to me to go through this. To become that insecure girl who had to check up on her boyfriend. It all started with me seeing what girls he was following. There were some “Instagram models” but I let that go. I let that go until one day I saw his dms. And saw he was messaging so many of them, blatantly hitting on them. I lost myself. I became this crazy, insecure, broken woman. I didn’t get why he didn’t just dump me? Security I suppose? If there are any guys out there reading this, and you’re doing that shit to a girl right now, just do her a favor and break up with her. No girl needs to deal with that

Now I’m only sharing that because I want to tell you how great my relationship is now, and how most relationships should be in this day and age if they want to survive this social media influenced world. 

So here’s what we do- When I first started dating Tommy, obviously I was worried because he had this “bad boy” reputation. Everyone told me a guy like him would break my heart. So I went into the relationship very cautiously. I was worried about other girls, I was already scathed from my previous relationship and didn’t trust any guy. I would see girls text him, but he was very open about it. He told me straight out in the beginning that he was seeing other people. I understood because we had just met. Then after a week or so he decided he just wanted to see me. I told him everything I had been through before and that I couldn’t go through that again. And then he did something amazing, he took my thumb, and put it on his phone and said, “you can look at my phone whenever you want to. I will never hurt you.” I was like, what? Who is this guy? No guy would ever do this. So for the first few weeks, I saw a bunch of stuff from girls still trying to hang on, and we would laugh about it together. He showed and shared everything with me. And then eventually I just stopped checking. He made me feel so secure, and so safe, and so loved, that there is no need for me to look at anything. And honestly, I think that kind of trust is what will make you survive this social media age. If a guy has nothing to hide, he should have no problem with you looking at his phone whenever. It shouldn’t be a big deal. You should be able to pick up his phone just as you would pick up your phone. It’s just a stupid device. If there’s no secrets between you two then it shouldn’t be a problem. 

Now, as for the issue girls have about their boyfriends, or husbands following a bunch of Instagram models, here’s what I have to say- I don’t think it’s appropriate for a guy to follow a girl or girls he doesn’t know that post a bunch of scantily clad images if he’s in a relationship. It’s just not cool. Because you’re clearly only looking at that page to get your jollies off, and you should be doing that with your significant other. I’m not saying to never look at another beautiful girl again, because that’s not possible, it’s human nature to observe beauty, but you should have respect for the person that you’re dating, and you should be liking them and their posts and not need this outer attraction. Also, if you want to get your jollies off, do it privately with porn or something. There’s no need to hurt people. 

If you’re single guy, do whatever you want, but if you bring someone into your life, and you want to have a relationship with them, respect them. A Girl is like a flower in a field; if you’re going to pick it, then you need to take it home, put it in a vase, water it, admire it and take care of it. You don’t pick a flower out of the field, and then take it home and throw it on the counter to die. 

Homeless

I remembered today I brought him our soup while he was away I wanted him to have a peice of home while he was away . I wanted him to feel all the love I had .  But maybe it wasn’t enough . I don’t know . Maybe he didn’t love me back , I don’t know . If he did wouldn’t he not have a home with out me ?

I’m a homeless girl I know that .

saviors

It’s 11:22 pm and sometimes I come to the ledge where I’m really not ok and god pulls me back but I find myself on this ledge a lot . It really sucks

News

It’s Saturday morning about 11 am I’m sitting in my car about to go to work . It’s so hot I hate this weather . I’m looking for a new place in vista I figure this is getting me closer to the beach .

I’m writing today about God’s blessings even in times of great destruction and when you feel like your walking through a great valley God I know for me he is teaching me to trust him .

All his promises he is doing in my life . I’m making 5 times the amount of money at my new job
I am blessed with great support of friends right now . My health is doing good I’m at the gym every day . But other things still I have some deep sorrows . I spend time alone praying to God for the things I know will come and isn’t here yet . God wants me to trust him right now with my life and he’s teaching me to do that by providing me every day with new blessings . So I can have peace with trusting him with the big stuff . I know this is a process it’s hstd it’s painful and I weep a lot but in the nightmare I have this strange peace because god is proving over and over again that he is here

I just have to have faith . Now I must get out of my car in the heat blahhhhh I hate hot .
Any way hope you all have a great day .

Don’t forget this is one of my favorite verses I’ll share with you .
God will give back what the locust have eaten . That is incredible ! What destruction has Satan done in your life . God will restore it !’ Amen !!’

Empty Streets

Boxing off the fireworks
Cancel my parade
The street is empty tonight, tonight
Everything is quiet now
The city holds its breath for me
Their spirit has died, it died

Running my whole life to reach this place
And just when I arrive, the moment fades out
Will you let me?

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
And you don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I don't need an answer
But if you rewrote the past
You think you'd just leave me out, leave me out?
Or will you spin your head around in every crowded room
To see if I can be found, be found?

Every single plan you will forget
So do what makes you happy
No regrets now

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I remember when you asked me how far 
that I could throw this love I found
Then I heard you say you'd wait around

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away
And this is goodbye, goodbye
This is goodbye, goodbye

The street is empty tonight
The street is empty tonight

Letter To The Devil

The devil pats me on the head 
I tell him to go fuck himself 
Not this time will he win 
They say I have a dark side
As he paints me black 

I  am black roses 
On a rainy morning 
Fuck these circumstances 
My sword is bigger 
Then the grave you tried to burry me in 
So laugh all you want 
I spit in the devils face 
Love is sacrifice 

God is grace 
In this miracle morning 
I will rise from the dead 

With the new promise of a better tomorrow 
Love is sacrifice 

Devil kills 
But not us 
Not us 

I Can Only Imagine .

It’s 10:41 I’m in bed it’s a Wednesday . Raigans about to leave for 2 weeks on a trip and I’m writing before I go to bed . I’m writing this because I know other people in my shoes and I found some answers I wanted to share . Maybe just maybe I can help someone out there in a world where we feel all alone where no one understands . I am lucky to have some close friends who have been through this sort of thing before but I still feel alone so maybe I can help you out there looking for answers .

Here it goes . Bear with me I’m not good with written thoughts they usually sound better in my head
This year has been riddled with pain and confusion . Honestly just the word pain does not describe it
It’s like being dragged by a car in razor blades and alcohol type of pain and the worst part is it never gets better . I’ve never known this kind of pain and I’ve been through it all . This post is how to cope and what literally saved my life so please follow me to the end .

Losing someone is hard but that’s not the hardest part . Losing someone to there own pain is what’s hard . Because you can’t help them , and there pain tears them away from you . It’s a real cluster fuck pardon my language . So you have 2 things going on . You want to help them in there pain your feeling it to . They might not know it but you love them so it’s natural . And B. You are dealing with losing them from something that is out of your control . Man this is deep . I spent 4 months losing weight , dying my hair , changing my face I went to drastic lengths to be beautiful to be perfect . To give the right love but guess what I still lost him and I lost big . I was in such a world of pain I messaged my friend and he was worried he’s never seen me so devastated . He said , Amy don’t lose it ! I thought , I am I really am . Then I remembered something .

I prayed out loud in the car that morning that God would be my anchor , that his power would reign in my life and that he needed to take control . Like for real . Here God take this broken heart . I’m losing it . God told me to watch the movie I can only imagine . I been meaning to but I was to fragile but I told God I would after work .

So here it goes . The movie a true story of a man who’s life changed by the miracle of God . I won’t ruin it but everyone should see it . In the movie he asked god to be his anchor weird right . Things happened in this movie so similar to my life and it taught me something powerful .

In my sorrow I was doubting Gods power . His power to do miracles . In my life in his life in anyone life  . God’s hands are on it he is working and it’s so hard to remember this in times of confusion and sadness .

God keeps talking to me about miracles , faith and trusting in him over and over again . God has my attention ! I was drowning you guys . Drowning in my sorrow because I was looking at the problems and the pain . But I just needed to look up . Our God is bigger . I can’t doubt this . Am I crying still ?

Yes . Because I miss him and I love him . I don’t care it’s ok to hold on to that but the difference is my eyes are on God . I prayed today I asked God if he was in the small details of our day .

Then guess what happened ? ! My friend Zach Striplin a world championship fighter wrote me a training program for my goals . I had to pay 75 bucks . I didn’t know how I would pay it . I didn’t get paid til two more weeks . But I won 100 dollars today in a contest at work ! God is good .

I also lost 4.5 inches in 10 days keep the goals going ! So when things are hard and you feel like the waves are above your head seek God . In any way you can . Prayer , mentor , bible , Christian movies like I did . God speaks just listen .

2 weeks ago I prayed for a miracle . I needed 15k in one day to beat top writer in our store . It was the last day of the month and it was dead . God said Amy do you not believe I’m doing miracles in your life ? I said ok God I believe . I got back from lunch and sold 15k this is no joke !!!!

God is telling me over and over right now he is here working . So in this terrible storm even though I cry and it hurts , I have peace . God told me he will restore all that has been lost .

So here is to what God has next . Are you ready ?

Under The Pillow (1)

Alice composed a letter
Seems to be written in ashes
As the cold winds blow .
She can’t find the note he left
Under her pillow .

It’s going to be alright it said .
And Alice searches for it .
don’t be scared I’ll be back- he said .
Don’t worry your precious head girl

And I’m taken back
I know it’s some where Alice said .
How can it be gone
How can he be gone .

I search every room
So she drowns in this ocean
The cat says I told you so
As he finishes his cigar

Alice places her head between her hands
She falls like an old mop on the floor
How can this be
She said .
As no one answers

Time

It’s 6 am on a Saturday I have to get up for work. Raigan is asleep next me , the dog is snoring and I wish I didn’t have to go today . I’m laying here thinking about time . I’m thinking about how I have 4 minutes to rest . Everything in life is bound by time . Just like love . People will say Amy there are so many fish in the sea why do you make yourself beautiful but go home every day and cry . It’s easy answer because of time . What makes love unique is the memories we shared with someone they are ours and we can’t have them with someone else . Why would I want someone else . That’s how I know I deeply loved. This person . Another thing about time is we can have a million memories but they can scar you for life in one moment one action by breaking your heart . By just not caring about you like you did for them . Even though they said they did . So what takes a life time of love can take a moment to cause the worst heart break .

I’m 40. I thought I knew who my soul mate was so much I’d bet my life on it . But in reality they would’ve respected and cared for me enough not to cause so much pain over and over and over .

Yes I may cry every day . I don’t know what time will do now . But god is in control .

New me

Re inventing myself . Oh boy oh boy . Something I’m always doing but the past 6 months has been like being dragged by a car at 90 miles an hour . 

I decided to lose the weight I had gained was first step . I wasn’t the best person I could be for myself or my boyfriend . My low self esteem had caused me to be depressed . I wanted to feel sexy and comfterable in my own skin . It was something I needed to do for me . As I set out on my journey my boyfriend set out on his own to better himself mentally and this divided our paths . Losing my true love which I still believe we will be back together later God willing has made me take a hard look at the inside me as well . 

I sought out weekly prayer and counseling . Why did I have so much self hatred . Why couldn’t I face a simple mirror . 

Here I am 45 pounds less , and still going and I am dealing with building myself inside and more importantly giving God control over my circumstances . I have a weird peace in my times of sorrow . 

I believe good things will come I have to . God and myself have come far this year and I will fight to succeed in my goals . 

If you are down I encourage you to keep the faith and take heart . Do not lose hope or love . Things will work out in the end . 

Dear God

Dear God

As I face my day in sadness I know that my hope in you will sustain my bravery . I know in my heart you will restore me and my loves relationship in time . I just know in my heart . You’ve shown me to many things . I know I have to handle things with grace and forgiveness even when I’m angry and confused . And I know right now I am in turmoil as I walk in this desert I have to trust all our lives and hearts with you and as a soldier I am worn and sad and broken hearted . But in you I am strong I have come so far to far to go back now . All I can do is pray that you take care of all of us right now and we all hear your voice and you may lead us through this dark world . I know I will meet my love again and when we do we won’t have to say good bye . In you God love and restoration will bring peace again to a devastating and broken city we called home .

Lord I walk in your strength to try to breathe today and to not cry but to smile in my faith in you that my future is my hope in you . Let us face this day in bravery forgiveness and love . Forgive me for my sadness and worry .

It’s been a Great War .


- Amy

Coma

I have these lucid dreams where I can't move a thing
Thinking of you in my bed
You were my everything
Thoughts of a wedding ring
Now I'm just better off dead (coughs)
I'll do it over again
I didn't want it to end
I watch it blow in the wind
I should've listened to my friends
Did this shit in the past
But I want it to last
You were made outta plastic (fake)
I was tangled up in your drastic ways
Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face
You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes
I gave you my heart and you made heart break - Lucid Dreams

I’m in a coma
No one can wake me
I waited for my prince
In the end he wasn’t so charming

It was just one kiss
As you begged me to wait
You said I was your forever
And now you said I was a mistake

I’m left here I’m not breathing
It’s an entirety
Of a world that was you
And me .

How could you forget
That you cried
And let me go in a letter and a stamp

There’s no words
As I lie here in bed
My mask is off
You say your sorry
As you let me go .