Polaroid

Not sure what it means any more 

As the phone lies silent 

I remember basking under blankets 

As you fell asleep on me . 

It was a long lost night 

A Polaroid love . 

Made a great picture 

Until you stepped into the light . 

Now I’m with the shadow 

Crying with all my might . 

I hope it reaches you

Where ever you may be 

There’s a consequence for murdering 

Me . 

Mitten

It’s a lighter shade of black 

That echos on the lake 

That we whispered promise of forever 

On a cold winter day . 

In converse and beanies 

Wouldn’t of wanted anything more . 

Now it’s a sad song 

No more words to say . 

One part 

Broken in two . 

I drive these roads alone . 

Wondering if it could be the same 

You got out of the car 

You walked away . 

Threw it all away 

Like it never happened

That night at the lake 

When we planned forever 

On a cold winter day 

Now it’s just another sad love song

Where one leaves 

One stays 

And there’s nothing to say . 

Another Love Song

It’s a movie still

Bent frame - 

Wondering where the side walk wondered to 

As I lost my way . 

The piano plays in my head 

As I think of us laughing 

That day under blankets 

Little did I know 

It was all 

A 

Lie . 

The soup is cold on the table 

No one is coming home tonight

Mascara runs like old lip stick stains 

You promised you could never live with out . 

I was your hero 

Kept you all together 

As you broke on the inside 

I’m lost in the black snow 

In my white dress 

They said I never belonged there 

There screaming in silent voices 

Like mimes with white faces 

And these floods won’t leave me alone 

I’m never alone . 

Red lip stick 

Stains the collar of 

Your 

Heart . 

I zip up my bags 

Ask where did the side walk part 

Like a cigarette with out a match . 

I remember this smile 

At the end of the hall . 

You grabbed my hands 

Promised it would be alright . 

Now the cuts were from your knife . 

Heavily stitched 

I was the hero . 

The escape . 

No one there 

To save me 

Left to fall

Apart . 

Rather there Than Here

Since I’m at work on a Wednesday at 10:30 am . I’m reminded of all the places I would rather be . I think my favorite places are so simple . Like Barnes and Noble Book Store . When I walk in the smell of books makes my soul happy . Knowing there are thoughts placed carefully on paper surrounding me to be discovered and read for hours 

Plus there’s coffee . 

I wish I owned a book store . The happiness would fill my heart every day

Also the ocean . Standing on the shoreline . The way the ocean air smells and brings a calm to your spirit . The way the sky meets the earth , I could just sit there and pretend it’s my bedroom and never leave . 

I could write poetry in my mind as I watch the waves climb the earth . 

Music . I write through music . Speak with music . Heal through music and love through music . I have an unhealthy obsession with music . With out it my world would be black . 

These are places I would go besides here where I am now at this moment in my boring job alone . 

Wardrobe (1)

Follow me Alice . 

I’ll show you a place where it isn’t broken 

These walls are not painted cracked to the ceiling . 

Follow me Alice . 

He left you here abandoned 

It’s dark . 

The windows are unclear 

And time does not move 

My watch isn’t moving !! 

Alice follow me . 

The roses are dying the sky is grey 

All the rainbows are missing . 

I can’t see . 

My heart is drifting . 

I feel you kissing me 

As you murdered me . 

Alice follow me . 

We are drowning 

Open casket funeral 

The music is playing 

The rain is falling 

We are running through 

Thorned gardens 

My knees are bleeding 

Alice 

Take my hand ! 

Your crying 

No not crying 

Your weeping . 

Your heart 

It’s name is grief 

Don’t slow down now 

There swords are coming 

I can’t imagine how we got here 

We have to find the King . 

Alice 

I’m screaming . 

I’m tired 

I’m tired of running 

Tired of dying 

And all of me is wounded 

The ship 

What happened to the ship ? 

Alice come ! 

We can do this . 

One more try . 

We have to make it . 

End

It’s dotted this line

Where you left your signature ...... 

no more lies . 

Rain sits outside my door 

As I mail you my heart 

You left on the road 

Two stamps 

Time stands still 

As the crowd passes me 

And I’m drowning in the bath 

I resurface drenched in tears 

In the night of hands clenching fingers 

Memory . 

As you held my neck 

Last kiss she said .

Forever you said . 

One bloody suicide 

Went December ..... 

as I stood alone in white . 

As you stood there once again 

And 

Lied . 

It’s a fucked up kiss 

The one that lingers behind . 

The one you Long for late at night . 

You signed the dotted line 

Promised no 

More 

Lies . 

I mailed you my heart 

You left on the road ...... 

I’m hitch hiking my only way home 

I’m drowning now 

Black tears . 

Did you feel the rain 

Did you feel my heart beating between your fingers ? 

Every step of the way 

Murdering 

Me . 

It’s the silence of the ocean we cherish 

As your name is scribed on my ribs 

There is no happy ending in this story 

Because this is a nightmare 

That haunts me at night . 

So here we go ..... 

two stamps 

And it’s Friday . 

Can you feel it now . 

On My Way

My transgressions a crumbling path 

I’m searching for a way to go back 

In time . 

My thumbs up im walking this line 

Time does not exist in the mourning 

Your gone In the sunset . 

Left here like an arrow 

Like the one around my neck 

Matching direction 

Now has turned to two 

I lost my mind 

As tears pour down my face 

I hear the music playing 

As I’m left here alone in this rain 

Nothings black and white they say . 

As he lied straight faced. 

Here are my grievances 

As I walk this path alone today . 

The music it 

Fades . 

So what is the purpose of giving yourself away . She said . 

It’s a statement I ask myself every day 

Thumbs up 

It’s a broken road 

I left myself here 

In the rain . 

Hideaway

I walk through a crowded street 

Invisible 

Head down . 

No one sees me 

I’m just a shadow on the wall . 

I’m an orphan . 

Never belonged 

I cried alone 

I don’t want to die 

Unloved 

I’m the buttons on your coat 

I’m the hands that keep you warm 

But yet I walk this room alone 

What’s the point of being lost but not forgotten .

Princess Warrior

Today was an odd day in a good way . I also notice when I copy and paste my blog post my punctuation ends up in a different place , why you ask ? No idea 

Some days the past few weeks I cry myself to sleep . Some days I find my power and my value so I have peace 

Either way I’m in mourning and there is no way around it . When your with someone for a year , and it’s a hard relationship you end up investing all of you thinking it might save all of them 

But all of them does not take into account me . I tattooed his name on my side for the promise of forever I wanted to believe as he got sober and then relapsed and I had enough of the lies and broken promises . 

Here I am left with an investment that left me in the negative . Ultimately it was my fault . I should’ve left the moment I knew . I wanted to believe you loved us enough but it had nothing to do with us at all . 

Today I had a prayer meeting and God spoke to my friend about my healing . 

I needed to know God loved me and the abuse I endured as a kid left me with a distorted version of love and me not loving myself . 

I left feeling better and with some verses to the gym . And oddly enough my dearest friend and pastor was there at the gym . He welcomed me with a warm  hug and a promise to work out together . We known each other since we were kids . He’s a big black guy full of joy he reminds me of Cubba Gooding Jr looks and everything  , this brought a smile to my heart . After today I felt worn with some glimmer of hope and joy 

I know my ex is back in rehab . As a loving human I wish him the best . But he is not what is best for me . 

We will never speak again . All he did was lead me down a dark rabbit hole of lies and pain . 

But today seems a new story of hope 

I’m 39 , and I need my life to be different and amazing . I won’t let anyone in it who is not equally amazing . 

It’s a new journey I suppose . I know it will take time for this mourning to pass 

But love can’t fix everything we all have choices . 

I need to find someone who chooses me 

Because for the first time I’m choosing me too 

Windows

Did you know you were my hero 

A shadow I couldn’t live with out 

Like Peter Pan 

If only you could hold me at night . 

But taught me to fly . 

If I could write you a letter 

It would be the kind you find in the movies 

The one know one believes in . 

Your the stains on my sheets 

From the tears while your gone . 

Your the thief who stole my heart 

The moment I saw you . 

Tell me how do I win 

A hero in a cape and a mask 

I’ll save you back 

Midnight

It’s 12:46 am I can’t sleep . My English bulldog is snoring and my daughter is nestled up next to me
 I was thinking about love . How cool would it be for someone to actually love me enough to not be
able to sleep . No ones ever said I was up thinking about you last night . That’s sad right ,Isn’t it nice knowing your on someone’s mind . I can’t ever sleep and I’m always tired . I’m sure it’s stress . Maybe one day I can go get a massage . That would be a good day

Deconstruct

It’s Thursday it’s my day off . I wish I could tell you what I’m really going through . But no one would understand I walked into the doughnuts  store this morning as I do every morning . Not for  doughnuts but I go for there coffee it’s only a dollar , no line and it’s better than any Starbucks . 

Inside they were playing 500 Miles from the Pretenders . I remembered the movie Benny and June where the song came from and for some reason I felt joy 

Seems so stupid , right a movie I loved brings me joy . I realized at that moment how sad I was , how numb I am . I’m not myself right now , as I stand here for coffee no one can tell . I’m invisible but on this paper I’m transparent as hell . 

I’m like a broken dove who hit the ground . I know I’ll be ok . But I been dragged through the mud I’m processing I’m getting my feet out . 

It’s cold , it’s hard , it’s the shock that I got here in this hole . It’s funny how much pain one person can take and yet hide it with a simple smile , yet they don’t know I cry when I’m alone . 

This is not who I am . These moments don’t define me , nor will they harden me for I know it was not my doing . 

It’s almost like being in the hospital , you know your not feeling well , but it will get better and in time you will be home . 

This is where I’m at . Forcing myself out of the quick sand . Writing is my therapy 

I’m sitting here on my day off , listening to Zack Hemsey imagining how I could change the world . If I could I would heal everyone so everyone would love . 

Last night an old friend text me . I dated him when Austin was a little baby so like 17 years ago . A professional soccer player . We were young . He text me to see how I was . Then he asked if I would drive 2 hours to see him after work ? 

Yeah ok . Let me drive 2 hours so you can use me ? No thanks . Why can’t people care about you with out an agenda . 

Does love always have an agenda too ? 

I’m not a hopeless romantic I promise . 

I’m a realist . But why are people so selfish ? 

Now I’m rambling I have many things to do today . Thanks for listening . 

Cheers to healing . 

Wreckage

It’s twisted debris on the road way 

Left in the wreckage 

Can’t believe I’m living 

I’m shaking 

I’m crying 

The clouds race above 

Like in the movies 

And you stopped Time 

As I hung up the phone 

I felt you in the ball of my throat 

Excuse me while I clear it quickly 

As I see you evaporate in smoke 

It’s a tragedy 

You chose . 

I was half in 

I was half out 

My seat belt was on . 

It’s some sort of fucked up beautiful suicide . The way love dies . 

It’s beauty and the beast 

The rose always In prisoned behind glass 

It’s a shame I’m writing this letter 

It means you are dead 

I walked away from the wreckage 

You were driving to fast 

Driving 

Under the influence 

We’re all buried there 

Between yellow lines and broken promises . 

Is where we will stay . 

A grave . 

It was your choice as I walk away 

I’m shaking 

I’m crying 

I’m in disbelief 

By : amy Everett 

Exit

Today I close my eyes and imagine driving through a forest on a cool day while Zack Hemsey plays Lost and Found . I’m in a super car a Lamborghini perhaps except I’m in the drivers seat. Will you be my passenger ? I’m on my way to no where and the mountain air brings me a peace I’ve never known before . I see you look at me and I smile 

All the nightmares of yesterday are erased they have no power in this place and here is where all demons die . 

I dream about this drive so many times 

Destination does it really matter . And everything that never loved me is left lost and left behind . 

A broken and shattered memory of what let me go and what I let sit in the dark room buried in the ocean . 

No one can find me here . Making dreams come true that matter and only taking with me , the ones who have loved me back . 

Ferenheight (1)

It’s raining Alice .
The trees bend in sorrow like the lost smiles hiding under winters shadows .

I hold a hundred notes written in pen
Return to sender addressed to him
He couldn’t see it .

Alice drops face first
In April’s funeral .
I sit here screaming and I’ve lost my voice
He just couldn’t see me .

There’s just no use Alice .
God holds my tears in a casket
Under pillows and dark nights

I’ve made oceans
As I lie alone
Still an orphan to love .

I carved our initials in wood
You carved our initials in pen .

I traded my worth for scars
Only to be stranded and alone .

Alice where is it now we go .
I ask God for forgiveness
Should’ve cautioned all of this
With all the bruises and hand prints
He left on my eyes .

I’ll give you my star I wished on every night
I think she broke some how
Fell from this sky .

Alice make me strong again
Oh my dear you were all along .

At The Edge

What do you do when you find your self at a bridge you can’t find your way across .  A deep sadness that won’t quit and can’t be fixed . What do you do when your sitting at a funeral , there is nothing you can do to bring life ? 

I see another road . I just need to sit in this place for a while . I thought this was the way . 

I know now I was wrong . I traveled so far to get to this bridge , fought the unthinkable and barely survived the journey . All to figure out it’s not my path? ? 

I close my eyes and pretend it’s raining as my heart races . I’m lost in this jungle 

And 

I’m alone . 

I pray the hardest I’ve ever prayed . I ask why God ? I can only trust him and go the other way . 

I don’t understand wasting steps wasting love or time . If you invest everything  you have into something how does it simply not give back ? 

All I know now is pain . I’m an orphan to love . My knees are raw and bloody . 

I’m tired and filthy . And most of all I’m lost and alone . 

I’m brave yes . I risked everything yes . 

For what ? 

I’ll sit here at the edge of the world and watch this broken bridge that led to my future . 

I need rest . Wouldn’t it be nice to be loved . God show me your love let me feel your love . Heal me so I may continue on . 

Dear stalker

Dear Tony crespo

You are a stranger I had to call the police because you were harassing and stalking me I see that you check my blog obsessively . I can see eveything . The fact you check it all night long 16 times is crazy . I don’t know you I never did but you need to leave me alone .

Anthems

Its 6:45 pm its Valentines . I’m at work alone it’s quiet . I hate this holiday for so many reasons one of them being , why not show this amount of love every day ? Two it’s alwats been cursed for me .

I spent my Valentines 3 years ago with someone I grew up with a Christian guy who proclaimed he had so much love to give me . As I drove to his house for our date after my 15 hour shift I found him so wasted he passed out ten min later . Never to be heard from again . Not even an apology . I mean who can we trust these days ? Last year I received an expensive bouquet of roses by someone who had money to spend because money didn’t matter not because I mattered . This year I’m alone because I was told I mattered but there was never an action to show that he cared at all . In fact he did eveything opposite and broke every promise . 

I can’t play the blame game . I mean why am I picking bad people ? Why am I doing all the caring while they do the taking ? One sided relationships are damaging and toxic 

I deserve to be someone’s queen , not the after thought . Maybe I should listen to my own motto I wrote years ago . I need to pick up my value in gold where they see me as pennies I need to let them go and run ! Who do they think they are.  ? Narcissism at its finest . I’m a pretty damn good catch 

Someone will realize it . But first the person I need to fall in love with is myself . And not let losers like these walk on me and make me cry . I’m not an option I’m a priority . 

Here is my anthem I wrote long ago words to live by : 

I am just a writer .... waiting for you.. to give me a reason to write.

Carpe Diem.... Life Is A Stage .. What is your part.. Live without regret..Live loudly..Wish Big...Always accept an invitation.. Always follow your dreams.. Always love like you've never been hurt before.. Always hold onto your Aces..Dance like you drank a little too much..Never let any one tell you who you are.. Always be who you are.. Never let any one yell at you and tell you it's all your fault ... We are here to be loved not misused , abused , or taken for granted.. Never forget to Pray because God never forgets you... I love Italian Food and I love to live dangerously.. I love scary movies and I want to go back packing ... My dream is to see castles in England and to find my prince who can give his heart whole heartedly... I love to write poetry , The ocean is my sanity , I love to smile.. I love my friends they're always there to catch me when I fall .. or when I've been pushed around.. I love my son Austin he is my hero.. My light at the end of every tunnel.. God is my passion he leads me through every dark night.. and every scary battle.. And here I am now.. Loving you ... Loving life for all that it has to give me.. Good and bad.. tears and smiles.. Nights of loneliness and some full of love... Lets all do this ride together.... Here we go... No Regrets..

My life is not lived in black and white , I don't regret that . People can judge me before they ever know me , I don't regret that either , that's their regret . I have my mistakes you have yours , we have our friends that chose to walk the path and not leave our sides , that's called family . I have family who does not walk with me , that's called strangers . I care about the people who won't need to write out the speech at my funeral , they'll speak it by heart - that's brotherhood ..... 

I like old Skool music and simple words that hold all their meanings because words mean everything . That's the only thing I take very seriously , other wise I hate rules and propaganda and any walls that try to hold me .... 

I hate circumstance and honour comes before my needs . That's just who I am . My kids saved my life as well as Jesus , they are the macaroni to my cheese - 

Shoot me if I love with my whole heart I just don't love every body - 

But I love the needy and I encompass empathy I hate hypocrisy . 

I love fun and sarcasm and challenges 

I'm smarter than I let on I just let you talk to much .

If you left me , you didn't know me and I'm probably better off - 

This concludes my story if you didn't know I love tori Amos and I write in historical codes in my poetry . If you can figure out Anastasia you may be smarter than me - 

- Agent Orange

Black Petals (1)

They say the rabbits watch is cracked
I been listening to his direction all along
He says Alice , don't cry .
It's the rain you know in your sky that rust all the knobs on your heart
And I am alone she says
As she waits on the storm
Am I the only one I asked the rabbit ? As I watch the roses wither in winter or did he know black is my favorite color .

I left notes along the path
You never read them
Just buried them in the snow
It's kind of like a heart attack
As I wait in my jacket invisible
He says your just a peasant
He never saw her crown
The rabbit mourns
I'm lost in the hallways -
I am found .

I no longer write for you
As you hide behind your mask .
It's half past 9 now
And my trail of I love you s are long lost and forgotten like yesterday's trash .

Alice your a beautiful mess
Red lip stick
Don't worry the rabbit says
Your beautiful like the sunset

Dating Your Husband

I wanted to share some advice my friend Katie shared with me over a year ago . It never made sense to me until it clicked 

She showed me this bible study on dating your husband . I wasn’t sure what that meant . What was Katie trying to tell me . As I watched this lady do her sermon it made sense but still even though I watched it a year ago I didn’t listen to the advice of this Sermon so I’m sharing it with you today . 

God wants us to treat ourselves to his standard . We are Gods temple . God says to find a husband who loves you like God loves the church . 

First we need to look how God loves the church . Unconditional love . Not just unconditional but sacrificial . What is sacrificial love ? When someone puts your needs first ? When they sacrifice there needs for yours ? 

Tell me what does your husband look like ? He loves you , makes you feel safe 

He has morals , he isn’t looking for other woman behind your back , he makes you feel loved , he loves the Lord . 

He is honest right . The list goes on . 

But what we find is that we are dating people who fall short , way short of the husband list . If this is the case your not serious about finding the man God has in store for you . 

Your just dating boys . 

And getting a lot of heart ache In return 

Date your husband ladies ! 

Or your just looking for pain . Ask yourself is the man your dating treating you as your future husband would ? 

Does he value you ? Honor you ? Sacrifice for you ? 

Or are you left feeling hurt and confused constantly . 

The Bible says Satan is author of confusion . If your with the man God sent for you , would you be confused ? 

Would this man let you be confused ? 

No . 

Be single . Pray and make God your first love then when the right time comes 

Your “ husband “ will come . 

I should’ve listened long ago now I’m left with so much pain . It’s my fault . 

I deleted all my social media to focus on God I’m doing nothing with out his words guiding me . 

Jeremiah 29:11 

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord to prosper you not “ to harm “ 

You . 

Get it Gods promise is for us not to be harmed . 

Thank you 

Agent Orange