The Magician

It's like I'm drowning at sea
Hoping that you reach for me
I know you're there, but I can't see
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
I'm dying to breathe
And all you do is strangle me
Such a beautiful relief
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
Drunk off tragic endings- Eminem 

It’s a copper wire laying in a bed of water 

It’s my eye lash falling in the winter 

It’s my heart beating in the sewer 

You mock my time served with - you 

Spitting in my face 

As I grab your hand to save you from falling 

You slit my throat as I lean over for a kiss 

Now I pulled the rug 

You thought you were the great magician 

I’m holding these cards 

I throw yours 

Just the joker 

I’m the queen - 

There’s a bed I lay alone in 

But there’s no room 

For murderers 

As my panties lay wet 

Like paint on a wall in church 

I sacrificed for you 

You drove the nail through 

You set me on fire 

You tell me you love me 

As you hang me from the banister 

You think it’s ok 

And every excuse is one last breath 

Leaving 

Old diamonds 

Old dreams 

Shatter in the fire 

You laugh in the darkness 

As you blow away our ashes 

I’ve never seen such a murder scene 

And you say baby ? 

As you disrespect me ? 

So let’s play ring around the rosey

As I laugh at your stupidity 

How can you say you love me 

As I drowned in your sea . 

Painting

There’s something about a picket fence 

I’m always on the wrong side of 

And all the initials you carved on this tree 

Who else’s are carved on your bottles 

As you get lost with out me 

I’m a memory know one seems to hold on to 

Nothing important to do . 

I lay on the grass counting lost peices of sky 

Is everything going to be alright 

No one holding my hand . 

Always alone again 

I gave you paper heart 

Cursive note 

Read I love you 

As it blows 

Away in the wind . 

What’s one more 

One more night 

Forgetting about me . 

As I lie here on the other side of the fence 

Looking in 

Painted picture frames 

I’m never in . 

Sometimes I cry 

Sometimes I drive . 

When am I worth it 

To take my hand

Carve my initials on your heart 

I’ll be the Braille in your soul 

A moment you can’t let go of 

Not tonight 

Not tomorrow 

And I break 

Break this clock 

And all of it’s reminders 

Of you 

Miracle

So last night I was coming home with raigan from riverside Festival of Lights . We were almost home on the back road of Los Alamos road . If you know this road it is dark and windy . As I entered the back road Raigan was sleeping soundly in the back seat .

I checked my rear view mirror and saw what I thought to be a Porsche coming around the corner at about 150 mph

I know cars I love cars I raced cars as a hobby every day . I know what they can and can’t handle . This car passed me so fast I thought they were going to hit me I knew I would die .

They came with In a inch of hitting us . I called 911. I knew this car would not make it with out crashing . As I was speaking to the 911 operator I turned the bend and the vehicle was crashed on the side of the road it’s tail end in the sky and the dash was unseen planted In the earth and I’m pretty sure there were no survivors at this point I was glad I was already on the phone with 911 to get help they came right away .

I’m blessed to be alive . I don’t know what happened to this car I didn’t leave until help arrived . But you never know when something could happen . Thank you for saving us God

Dear Arsonist

The blind are broken 

Setting the world on fire 

Dear arsonist

Watch the ashes fall . 

I trade letters for regret 

Thank the Lord for my salvation 

I see you in my rear view mirror 

Laughing with your matches 

And I can barely breath 

I’m barely breathing 

As I’m escaping 

And there’s a difference 

Between the ones with hearts 

And the ones with none at all 

And there’s a difference 

With the ones with a conscience 

And the ones who pray to the Lord 

And I thank God for my salvation 

As your world is in flames 

And I can’t save you 

As you laugh 

I escape 

I’m barely breathing 

They say 

In the end times man will have no conscience they will steal , kill and destroy . 

Thank you Lord that I am not blind 

I am not lost . 

Thank you for saving me 

Thank you for your grace 

 Dear arsonist 

I leave you behind 

Trading you letters for regret 

So I can breathe again 

Blessings

Your not sure how it started your day but you know how it’s going to go . I leave the house with no money and change in case I need money in my gas tank . I pray to God I’ll make it through the day . My pay checks aren’t quite enough to pay all the bills much less Christmas and I’m relying on God to get me through the month . 

I make it to work and a friend is waiting there for me with a Christmas envelope and mind you I didn’t have food that day or the day before or gas money and I open the envelope to find she blessed me with 80 dollars how does that happen on a Sunday , when you have nothing to make it to pay day . God is good and so is my friend . Thank you friend . She has no idea the blessing you brought this week to my life . 

So Thursday comes along I been driving to Rancho Cucamonga every day for work so that money was gone fast and on my way home Thursday night my gas was on zero and my ex husband told me to stop by that night to get some money early for raigan he would be out of town 

What is the timing on that ? Thank you 

God . 

I sat at work this week with no customers and a man called he was a stranger and told me he loved the lord and the lord told him I was a compassionate person I needed to help people and I was wasting my time at my job . He was right I did have a passion for people . 

God works and this week it’s been every single day . I want to send a message to everyone not to give up hope he hears you , he sees you . And thank you to my friends who have helped I love you !! 

Death Row

The committee calls treason 

Do you understand the charges 

You sowed the noose around your neck 

As I held your hand . 

You whisper dying words 

I love you 

But I don’t understand . 

The jury has no mercy 

Your  always asking for just one more chance . 

Tell me with my lips as I kiss you 

You stab me in the heart 

And I reckon you knew exactly what you were doing at the time . 

Now the funeral plays on 

And you cry ? 

You like to watch me die 

In your crown of glory 

You hide 

Made of ashes 

Slitting the wrist of time . 

What is it you want from the dead 

To kill her once again ? 

Look what you’ve done they said 

Blood falls from her mouth 

Look what you’ve done they said 

You laugh 

It’s Just The Truth

I never believed in true love . Until I fell in love then I was shown that true love does not exist . 

It’s just a lie we sell ourself until we are used , lied to , and left alone . 

Love is not real . Between two people 

Life advice

 When someone hurts you so bad you want them to make it better , You want them to make it all makes sense to make all the pain go away, but the truth is the person who put the hole in your boat for it to sink cannot fix it. If they are the ones who hurt you you can’t expect them to make it better, you have to move on and find a way to heal repair your own boat, and never let them touch your ship again. For if they made you drowned once they will certainly make you drowned again

Aeros (1)

Cupid’s bow lies broken 

In the snow . 

I’ll set him on fire 

A nightmare fairytale with out a 

White picket fence . 

What a scene . I buttoned up yesterday 

Like an old winter coat that was worn 

I was left cold . 

I can’t imagine writing such a story 

The deck of cards dealt 

I was betrayed 

You said I was a caterpillar 

What’s it like to kill a butterfly ? 

Lost now in this sand storm 

No water 

And I beg the heavens for me to forget 

Yesterday . 

I stitch up all your words in black marker 

I sing my self to sleep 

You died 

In me . 

I have the wounds to prove it still 

There isn’t a badge for bravery 

Only the bare ness of regret . 

You said your afraid of heights 

As you hang me from your bare hands 

Laughing at the noose around my neck 

I just needed a hero . 

Now I’m left dead . 

But you will never feel that 

Here is my letter 

As I rip apart this arrow 

And cry in silence  

The Funeral

It’s that moment when everything you had runs like a vein to your heart , a strong dose of fatal poison as you lie there in shock . Every memory as it passes each beat you watch burn behind sollen eyes . There is not one thing you can do about this kind of death 

It’s like a bullet to the brain . There isn’t anything you can do to change this . Your frozen there in time . Feeling sick in the pit of your stomach . 

In some empty abandon grave you sit forgotten like yesterday’s trash . 

The worst part is , you know with out a doubt that’s where you will remain . 

The person who was saving you all along was digging my grave . 

I can’t breathe . I can’t escape . What is the lesson in this murder scene 

As they wrap up the tape ? 

To always trust in your gut feeling . It never lies . 

Disaster

It was the conversation over coffee 

Going back and forth over news paper spread 

Black smudges on white intentions 

Rainy day . 

I ask about tomorrow 

This time there is 

No reply . 

The type writer is nervous 

And bends In the sun rise 

I take one last drink 

Before the day starts and ends 

All at the same time . 

So I ask you again . 

No answer. 

The silence is clear 

My mind sits as a heavy crowd in a New York subway 

Yet I seem calm . 

The ink runs dry . 

And realize 

I been talking 

To myself . 

Lamps (1)

Alice puts her head phones on 

Counts snow flakes one by one 

It’s never winter yet it’s always winter here 

I’m under the bed in the dark 

Lost in all these thoughts 

What do you think about my brass button coat 

Hanging on your door . 

As I cry alone on your bedroom floor . 

Do you see me there tonight 

Every tear a stain on your pillow 

So you can’t forget 

Maybe just maybe you will feel the way 

You bruised my face . 

Hiding under covers . 

I love you can’t fix black and blue decisions 

I thought it was possible 

Love . 

I thought you meant it 

But what did you mean 

As I lay here alone . 

My jacket still on your door 

I’m left full of regret 

What can I do 

As you live in these words 

As you throw away this book . 

Stand Still

It’s 2 pm I’m sitting at my work on a Saturday. I would give just about anything to be at the beach . I’m hearing some kind of awful music on the radio and today isn’t the best day ever . I have some sound advice for my audience that took my whole life to take . 

It’s simple really . So many people play games In relationships , who wins - who loses . When do I call ? How Can I make them jealous ? You guys are all wrong . 

Be real . Be yourself and honor and love and respect yourself first . Never set aside your dignity or self esteem for anyone . It’s that simple . Find a relationship that is equal give and take 

Equal love . There is no such thing in anything else or it’s just fake . Guard your heart only give it away to someone who keeps it as safe as they keep there own . Do not risk your emotional safety 

Any of us could die in this next moment 

Don’t waste your life on anyone or anything that hurts you , devalues you 

Write your list of things you need in someone and don’t settle . Love yourself first . If you have kids remember they watch you as an example 

Would you want your daughter to marry the man you are dating ? If not , why are you ? Would you want your son to marry a woman like the one you are dating ? 

If not , why are you ! Life is short . You have value . Would you throw your pearls to swine ? The Bible it’s self tells us not to . 

Be yourself , find someone who is genuine and honest . 

Have a happy Saturday ! 

No Apology (1)

I’m sorry if i didn’t meet your expectations of the perfect girl 

Didn’t you know the best part of me is how imperfect i can be . 

I’m a glasses girl with funny shaped lips 

And a big imagination 

I live in stories and who could pull me out 

Who could read between her lines and love her there 

Waiting in an ocean . 

Black eyes white panties waiting to escape 

Rip me into your beating heart 

Show me the darkest secrets where i can love . 

But didn’t you know I’m the girl in converse and a dress . 

You say , your not so pretty any more 

You say , you didn’t love me enough 

You never loved me whole 

I’m a cake that brings warm memories 

I’m a memory you never had before 

I’m a drop of rain you hold in the palm of your hand never to escape . 

Here i am alone writing stories . 

Who will understand me 

Have the strength to love me 

As i file them away 

I dream of winter 

And now you can’t take the best part of me . 

Like coated cotton candy 

And antique stores 

You’ll never find that flavor 

No one knows my name 

Tales Of A Librarian

I’m 39 and I see them every where , the post of couples and the guys putting there girl friends as there wcw . I’m over here knowing I’m to late . It’s to late for me . I won’t have a wedding , a proposal or even the ring . I’ve come to terms with this today . Maybe I’ll be a cat lady and live alone in Canada . Or drink coffee in Washington book stores alone as I watch the rain pour . I’ve accepted my single life fate . I guess I always wanted to know what it was like to have someone love me more than them self 

But I know God’s love for me . Right now that is enough . 

2017 Round About

It’s November 2nd I’m sitting at Richies Diner with Raigan it’s early 9 am . This past 7 months have been hard . Almost exactly 7 months ago I posted very important goals I refuse to let 2017 to go out unnoticed . I will remain single I’m happy to remain single . I need to refocus on my heath, my God , my daughter and my finances . 

I’m emotionally burnt and I feel like I’m in ashes . I could blame someone for doing this to me but the truth is I allowed it . I need to Recenter . Why would I allow anyone to bring me to such a point when I’m valuable ? 

I need these last months of this year to really read my Bible , pray and figure out why 

This is where I’m at . Have you been in this place ? Of such pain ? Have you been dragged to your very own personal hell ? 

I been praying now more than ever . We have to make every day count , don’t ever waste your love on any one who throws it on the floor . 

Atticts

It’s half past midnight 

The crows circle it’s cold 

You are not here 

You never were here 

It’s like a black and white ad 

A corner conversation 

One talking 

One turned his head 

She was left alone 

But it was all her fault he said . 

It reads clear 

Will you sit with me a while 

Just to hear me breathing 

I used to listen to your heart beating  

As you passed out every night 

As I laid alone 

No love . 

As I am 

Alone now 

It’s all my fault he said . 

I pushed him

Away 

He said . 

The crows come closer 

The piano bends 

Now
Nothing

Is
Said . 

Bank Accounts

It’s like that movie Wanted . Where he sits at his mediocre desk In his mediocre life , where his girlfriend is treating him like shit , his job isn’t what he dreamed about and where he lives is a total nightmare . He became his own worst enemy didn’t he ? When do we forget that we have the power to change our life ? Our thoughts , our attitudes . I made a lot of money and had the best body but I wasn’t that happy then either . It’s all about conquering the internal wars and finding peace within yourself . Only letting people rent space in your life who truly love you and support you . 

Most of all love you first . Or you’ll be the guy In the movie wanted where everyone walks on you , you settle for crap and forget why your here . 

Keep going I say . Keep fighting . And live your life don’t just survive it . 

Breakaway

I was a painting in there story 
The kind every one wanted to touch 
I was the star they hung around there necks 

The one they chased they could never catch 

And to you / I was the peasant . 
A fallen rock on the cement . 

How do I go from color 
To black and white graffiti on your walls 

A smile I’m trying to find yesterday . 

The story I’m writing tells a tale of turning the page . 
A princess tossed in the trash . 

I will dust my self off 
Humiliated on this stage 

Light shines bright 
This story ends 

I’m once alone 
But not your peasant 
But a star 

Goals

It’s Monday , I’m off today it’s 8:54 am . I just laid in bed I need to do laundry and possibly make coffee . There is a lot on my mind . But for some reason through all of this I feel peace in my heart . 

Last night my friend asked for advice on her marriage I had no idea there was anything wrong . For 5 years she said they had not had sex . I spoke to her a while . She told me I should be a psychiatrist . I went to college to be one it made me think I should finish . 

I’m everyone’s stopping point for advice 

But I’m never following my own . 

If I could listen to my own self I wouldn’t put up with an ounce of what I have up until this moment . I would’ve said what were you thinking . You deserve to be treated so much better . Where are you Amy ? 

I’m so excited to find myself again to come out of the preverbal blankets and see that my future can be bright . 

God has a purpose to prosper me not to harm me . Why have I been harming myself ? 

I reminded myself on my walk with Raigan to school how important goal journals are . So I’m going to share it with you . 

Get a journal make a goal for physical 

Financial , spiritual and relationship . A 30 day goal for each one . Write the goal down to complete in 30 days . Every single day write down what you did to accomplish that goal ! 

In 30 days you will have accomplished those goals . You will feel better and be working for something and building dreams ! Do it , you won’t regret it . 

I told a friend of mine to do it , he ended up moving across the country he now works for a nfl football team . You never know where you will end up ! 

Change is powerful . God is powerful . Pray for strength and guidance . Get rid of everything bad in your life . Cling on to what is good . Did you know that the Bible says that Satan is the author of confusion ? 

If something is meant for you it should not be confusing . Gods purpose and his will is not confusing . Do what is right . Pick up your sword . 

  

Sent from my iPhone