Atticts

It’s half past midnight 

The crows circle it’s cold 

You are not here 

You never were here 

It’s like a black and white ad 

A corner conversation 

One talking 

One turned his head 

She was left alone 

But it was all her fault he said . 

It reads clear 

Will you sit with me a while 

Just to hear me breathing 

I used to listen to your heart beating  

As you passed out every night 

As I laid alone 

No love . 

As I am 

Alone now 

It’s all my fault he said . 

I pushed him

Away 

He said . 

The crows come closer 

The piano bends 

Now
Nothing

Is
Said . 

Bank Accounts

It’s like that movie Wanted . Where he sits at his mediocre desk In his mediocre life , where his girlfriend is treating him like shit , his job isn’t what he dreamed about and where he lives is a total nightmare . He became his own worst enemy didn’t he ? When do we forget that we have the power to change our life ? Our thoughts , our attitudes . I made a lot of money and had the best body but I wasn’t that happy then either . It’s all about conquering the internal wars and finding peace within yourself . Only letting people rent space in your life who truly love you and support you . 

Most of all love you first . Or you’ll be the guy In the movie wanted where everyone walks on you , you settle for crap and forget why your here . 

Keep going I say . Keep fighting . And live your life don’t just survive it . 

Breakaway

I was a painting in there story 
The kind every one wanted to touch 
I was the star they hung around there necks 

The one they chased they could never catch 

And to you / I was the peasant . 
A fallen rock on the cement . 

How do I go from color 
To black and white graffiti on your walls 

A smile I’m trying to find yesterday . 

The story I’m writing tells a tale of turning the page . 
A princess tossed in the trash . 

I will dust my self off 
Humiliated on this stage 

Light shines bright 
This story ends 

I’m once alone 
But not your peasant 
But a star 

Goals

It’s Monday , I’m off today it’s 8:54 am . I just laid in bed I need to do laundry and possibly make coffee . There is a lot on my mind . But for some reason through all of this I feel peace in my heart . 

Last night my friend asked for advice on her marriage I had no idea there was anything wrong . For 5 years she said they had not had sex . I spoke to her a while . She told me I should be a psychiatrist . I went to college to be one it made me think I should finish . 

I’m everyone’s stopping point for advice 

But I’m never following my own . 

If I could listen to my own self I wouldn’t put up with an ounce of what I have up until this moment . I would’ve said what were you thinking . You deserve to be treated so much better . Where are you Amy ? 

I’m so excited to find myself again to come out of the preverbal blankets and see that my future can be bright . 

God has a purpose to prosper me not to harm me . Why have I been harming myself ? 

I reminded myself on my walk with Raigan to school how important goal journals are . So I’m going to share it with you . 

Get a journal make a goal for physical 

Financial , spiritual and relationship . A 30 day goal for each one . Write the goal down to complete in 30 days . Every single day write down what you did to accomplish that goal ! 

In 30 days you will have accomplished those goals . You will feel better and be working for something and building dreams ! Do it , you won’t regret it . 

I told a friend of mine to do it , he ended up moving across the country he now works for a nfl football team . You never know where you will end up ! 

Change is powerful . God is powerful . Pray for strength and guidance . Get rid of everything bad in your life . Cling on to what is good . Did you know that the Bible says that Satan is the author of confusion ? 

If something is meant for you it should not be confusing . Gods purpose and his will is not confusing . Do what is right . Pick up your sword . 

  

Sent from my iPhone

It’s Winter

Tori Amos has a new Album it’s not my favorite but I’m streaming the song Russia for some reason it’s bringing peace to me in my clouded sky . 

Today is day 5 of my liquid diet . My life was spiraling out of control on every level . Controlling my diet has put me in a different place . Although I feel mostly hungry - most of the time I’m getting used to that feeling . I think with self control I can make the 30 day destination . I made promises to myself in January I need to stay true to myself 

How did I lose myself ? 

1. Was to be my very best physically 

2. Be my best financially 

3. Be in a healthy relationship 

This year I lost my job and my gym membership . My depression spiraled to a suicidal thought process as I lost everything one by one . 

I was making bad decisions . I was not loving myself . It’s October . I’m bound and determined to finish this year the best shape possible and to not let any one treat me badly and make excuses for it . 

I have no idea when I will leave this world I refuse to fill my life with anyone who hurts me or treats me badly . 

We can turn this thing around October 

I have a voice I found her . We can do this alone . 

Let’s go 

- Agent Orange 

Watches

Hope leaves a trail at the door 

It’s locked light shines from beneath the door . 

I hold my dreams in my pocket 

I wish it could rain today . 

I’m searching for the thief 

He has the key . 

Why did he shatter me . 

I’m just a librarian 

Reading books 

And I’m exhausted

When will any one read mine 

When will I matter 

The rabbit tells me it’s time 

Time to go 

 

U Turns

It’s Saturday morning , I wake up abruptly with a splitting migraine . I feel like I had a night out of drinking whisky and the reality is I was up all night having seizures . I fear that my life will also end abruptly , with my seizures and my heart issues . I face my days not taking them for granted and not wasting any precious moment . 

I left this morning for work , when I stopped to get Advil for my head ache I had this urge to drive back home to hug my daughter . I wasn’t sure if she needed it or if I needed it , all I know is I needed to turn around and see her once more . 

I like to get to work early , make sure my paper work and my day is very organized . I knew I’m going back I would just make it in time . 

I turned around drove 20 min back ran in the house and gave her the biggest hug . I love my daughter . I knew she was surprised and happy . But it made my heart happy too . 

I guess we never know what could happen right . Why not turn around or take the extra time to love our loved ones . 

It made my whole day . 

In Recent Events

In recent events of this planet , it seems we just can't make a difference . In the world or the ones around us . But that is not true . We can't give up hope . 

What is your legacy , your mark you want to leave in this world . At your funeral if you died today would they say what you wanted them too ? 

Or is there a different speech you hoped for . Of lost dreams and hopes you let go of . Maybe your already in your grave and stuck . Is being dead in this world as bad as being dead in the after world? 

I think so . 

What is stopping you from really living ? 

We don't know what our last day will be here on earth . How can I or you make a difference ? 

Do your loved ones know they are loved? 

Did you forgive your enemies ? Where does the change begin ? 

That's up to you isn't it ? 

And everyone's mark is different . That's what makes us unique and special . 

Don't forget who you are . 

Cracked

I privately wrapped your heart in my bones
Where were you when I kept you warm
I sank you under white cotton panties
Divided you amongst everything inside my soul
Placed you willingly like a deck of cards
Sat like a king as you laughed at the tears in my eyes

I'm not a beggar in the streets
I held my hand it was the queen

I used to watch you sleep
My heart asking
You
To
Love me .

In return for holding your peices together as they cut me .
I write these stories , because you sit in bed and read
But do you feel the absence
Of
Me .

I lay here now in puddles
Who will hold the peices of me ?

As you sink steady in a bottle
My panties empty
With my fingers
A memory of you and me

Breathing as one
In every moment
In the bed
In the car

I can't erase
Like markers on white board

I'm not a beggar .

You hold the cards now
Spilled on your floor .


When you were awake
I watched you sleeping

You never noticed

I was dreaming

Of you
loving

Me .

One Side Of The Bed

" Quiet places no body knows"

I capture the light of your candle
Protect the fire from her wind
It's cold out .

Here's my sweater and the stain of my lips on your cheek
I pass by like a ghost
I remember that time
That time we laughed at midnight

I spun you a paper clip
Cut out my heart posted it to your computer
With a note
Did you ever read it ?

I left my converse on purpose
So you would ask me back again .

There's a telescope love
Hanging from your lips
As we talk in the morning
You ask me to stay .

I capture your candle
There's a storm outside
Protecting your fire
As it burns my fingers
You remind me that it's cold
It's cold inside .

And I offer you a blanket
And you smile .
And my heart is beating
In origami  notes un finished
Never written .

The stain of my kiss left on old cups
As our song plays on the radio

Saved on Polaroids
In empty drawers
Left with blisters .

Brush Fire

I'm listening to Gohst 36 by NIN , some how fitting for the day that's grey and not just because of the clouds . I feel like I'm coming out of the darkest alley , alluminating it's large clouds and I have barely escaped her . I catch my breath for a moment , I see the brightness of the future beyond the road . I just have to get there . I'm tired , my armor the last thing standing . What does it feel like to lose at war ? He says to me , no it's just begun my dear . Have you ever just wanted a boring life ?

Typically that statement would be like scratches on the chalk board , but I envision we all feel this way in battles . Have you ?  War teaches us who we are . Doesn't it ? I see it , seems so close . The place where there is no pain , and time she mocks me . But I'm still going . Still fighting . So can you

Intersection

It's that kind of pain , it can't be changed or made better . The kind you can't fix or stop . You know the kind that is so bad you can't cry or speak . That pain , the kind when someone you love hurts you they don't love you the way you loved them . What do you do with that pain that kills you in the pit of your stomach ? Your heart can't escape it . Everything you once knew destroyed . No going back . Your in a car accident watching over your own dead body alone in the intersection , no one there but yourself . That's where I'm at . That kind of love . That kind of pain .

The Way It Goes

I walked into the store this morning with my head down to the ground . Have you ever had that feeling ? Where you just lost all your dignity ? I began to silently laugh at myself , I mean what else could I do . It was either commit suicide or laugh . I mean this in all seriousness . 

I laughed at the fact I had no money because I've had no job for 3 months . How I survived this long I don't know . I laughed because I have no food but I had 4 dollars on my food stamp card to buy eggs this morning . I laughed because I have not been able to get my hair done and it was a mess piled on top of my head , and what a sight was I to the crowd in the store . I laughed because I was wearing a pretty dress but my legs were orange and white stripped from the attempt to tan myself with cheap lotion because I can no longer afford to go tan . I was a joke . 

As I put my head down further I actually began to laugh out loud . Maybe like a crazy person . As I thought of how my phones been shut off . 

As I made my way to the eggs as quietly as I could to not cause any attention to my self I went to pick them up and they fell to the ground breaking all over the store . Yes , I laughed again . What do all these people think of me ? Is she crazy or homeless ? 

As I walked the walk of shame to the cash register I thought well things could always be worse right . 

Tried to count my blessings on my drive home .

Skeleton orchestra

This worlds nothing more than a magic show , though tragic at times and encased in woe , it all works out , of this truth I know . - Zack Hemsey

A calloused drum set in scars 

Amid the winter under your chest 

So close to the fingers that search 

In her sunlight . 

He drops his head . 

There's a war , she marches 

Nothing gained in the winning . 

He walks out to the ocean 

Hoping to drowned 

But he stopped breathing long ago 

We're alive in an arrow 

Walking aimless 

Guided by the pain 

It's cold in here . 

As I pass through you . 

My heart stops in the hall way . 

No oxygen 

I try to let the light in 

The side walk leads to you 

Also leads to me 

Grab my hand 

A calloused drum set in scars 

Under perfect chest 

So close to fingers grabbing under 

Bone 

Close to my ears 

Wanting you to come home

Check Please

There's always that point right in life when things are so bad and the decline makes everything dark and foggy . It's that unexpected moment when everything in you that fights for love , for life and it has no return that you just check out . Have you ever been there ? In life where you lose everything ?
There isn't anyone there when it happens . It's like suicide , you are alone and you just check out .

They say karma comes back to us . I don't believe that , evil people have it all and the loving people can also have nothing . I always made goals and beat them . My trainers and bosses call me a fighter .

I do my best to live with integrity and to love others . Here I am checking out . This is my moment .
In life there is only so much pain one person can take and enough loss that they can't take it anymore

It's the time when you see no one , it's the time when all you live on is strength because all your glory is gone .


I've never been in such a low place but in this place I see God clear , now I just need him to save me
From this very dark place . Where only he can reach me .

Life

What good is it to have a voice when he doesn't hear you
Or care
Time to use your voice
Some place else

Where your appreciated and never mistreated . Life is to short to settle .

Films

Living life in subtitles black and white
Flipping through pages of these bed sheets
Wondering about time .
Regrets are like un painted fences
Waiting on the wrong houses to become right

I sit on the porches - alone watching the sun rise

It's like an un written book
As you steal my pages and autograph your name so it's not forgotten .

So now I'm flipping magazines .
I'm homeless in this street

I hear our song playing on the radio today
Means something different when you couldn't find those words to say .

As he turned his back on me
He says do you love me ?

Subtitles become something
I just don't want to read .

I'm walking home tonight .

Broken Bottles

Sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most treat us with the most disregard
And all that's promised is brushed under a rug and forgotten
Sometimes we put everything into something and we become a door mat
And the one we trusted the most turns there back on us .

Sometimes we learn the hard way that we wernt loved we were lied to
And everything we have meant nothing
And nothing was seen because they can't see past themselves

Maybe we knew it all along but we didn't listen to ourselves
We thought love could save someone or change someone

But the love has to come from within them selves .

So they throw you away like yesterday's trash .

Learning another lesson . But just remember when someone wants you to be there  doormat . Just say nah

- Amy

Homes

I knew it from the beginning 

From across the room 

I held steady 

You held the door for me 

Told me you were bad for me .... 

Beginnings don't turn into endings 

Not like this 

I can't believe in open doors closing 

As we stood in the cracks 

Whispering 

I love you ...... 

I feel you across the room 

Even when you are not here 

Disbelief drowns my tears 

Maybe I'll stay in this locket 

Forever - 

Maybe 

The crows fly over to pick up what's left of the wounded 

All these letters remain unfinished . 

Maybe I'm the only one broken in this 

Yet I remain here 

In the cracks of the door way 

Listening to wind funnel through 

Rapture

I am aching inside silk panties
wet in your bedroom hidden in pictures
Kiss me in the morning , Let me run away in you .


Your smile creases my heart
as you rest on my lips
I am lost in you .


Between the words that get lost
under cotton and innocence
you kiss me.

Tomorrow I'll be a memory on your fingers
touching me
deep
inside

I'll make you believe  you're the King
Of hearts.

Breathe in me new life
handcuff me to your eyes.
Chasing you in the dark

Make me blind
Finding places in me
I never knew survived

I am the candle in your hallway
I want to find your secrets
tucked away in the dark.

Im aching for you
As you bury deep inside of me

Under my bones

Kiss me in the morning
I want to run away in you