Bruises

What would I have to do
For you to see me
If I stood in front of the sun ?

If you pulled out from in front of your mirror
Burned some old pages In your library
That collect dust
Collect sadness and stories of anger

I'm not the librarian
With wire rimmed lense
Filing away this -

And all of this
Drowns me

I'm no victim
You have to meet me on the shore
But darling you ain't walking on water

So let's start this again
These books are over due -

I'm not a librarian
I'm a lover
I'm a fighter

What does it take for you to see me
I'm not you
I'm not her
I'm not yesterday

I don't know what love is

Could you
Write me the story

Give an orphan a home

Cuz you ain't
Walking on water

I'm here on the shore
With our fire

Do you love her ?

As she stands in front of the sun
Screaming your name

Lights On

Tell me a hundred secrets that make you the path I climb on
Push me out this door
I'll come back through your window

I'm not sure about the beginnings
But I know I'll erase - this ending
What are endings for -

All these whispers in the dark
Can I hold your fingers
Steady off the ledge

Can I hold your wrist
Broken from the fall

I'm just time
Inside this clock
Ticking quietly inside your heart

Did you need me here
Do you want me here

I'm looking for a hero
The kind that watches for me - through this window

Can't let me go
Won't let me go

It's how the song goes
It's how we go .

I'm leaving the lights on
And I don't know about the beginnings

But the ends I'm erasing
Like old shoe laces
Old songs on the radio

If you push me
I'll climb back in

If you push me
I'll climb back in

To find your here
Give me your hands

- Amy Everett

The Real Fight

It's 9 a.m. I'm at work , it's hard to concentrate today . Worst of all I can't find my head phones so my life is falling apart . ( not entirely ) I have been lost the past few days . Yesterday I broke down and cried in my car . I wasn't sure why , then it hit me . Like some realization from the sky hit my heart and there it was . For 3 months I have felt numb and confused . When we people let you down the ones you trusted the most , I learned to except it and move on . I didn't realize it was causing me to be callused . Maybe I let it go , yes . But the disappointment harbors fear . I couldn't feel much of anything . I have a new person in my life giving me tons of love , and I could see it like looking out a window . But I can't feel it . How do I take it in ? When your lost in everything that has destroyed you

How do I shake it ? I asked myself for months . I wanted to give up , not on him , but myself . What does someone do with pain ? I wanted to hand my heart over to him , in my hand and say please take it ! Just take it ! But would he break it even farther to the nothing that had been left on the ground ?

Someone else can't fix that . Yesterday I sat in my car and it hit me . I began to grieve all the beliefs that led me there to that moment . It's a journey isn't it ? Fighting to not be numb . I remember a time I fought to not feel at all . But I want to feel everything he has to give me , not the pain that paralyzes me from giving my heart again.

I need to brave I told myself . Give myself the chance to live . I've been an orphan to love . And it's time I found a home .

My home in you

Agent Orange

Perfect

Yesterday's ashes fall from the sky over head
A shadow looms over my path
Like a broken forest fragmented into stained glass
The crows wait on their branches

I'm just one girl
Who will make it

There's a heart broken
Around my neck

Grasping at the other half

What is it to live a dying day
The finish line in my hands

I'm stronger than the wolves who wait in the dark

I'm just a girl
Dark eyes , funny lips

Even though there's darkness
I'm the light

A small frame in the alley
Holding the keys
The dreams I never let go of

There's a broken heart around my neck
I'm grasping at the other half

Tell me what all this means
My converse are tired
But I'm never weak

I'm almost done
As the ash settles on lashes
Over spent all the miles -

They don't want me to see the beauty
Of what was always

Inside me .

Apastrophe (1)

The siren plays her music in the crowd
Like the last song for the day
The devil takes her hand
All hands on fate

She holds an Ace
Lipstick left on white spaces
Losing bets

It was all we had left she said
The raven waits in haste
Typing letters with no stamps
Who could've saved her , he says .

The sky begins to rust my pockets
Notes turn to ashes
Eyes become darkness .

Let it go , she says .
Shot glass empty

I wake up
Alice is listening to the doors opening
Doors closing

Where will she go next
As the devil whispers

Love is not dead
He said

So I decided to remove my mask -

Today's Relationships

So here I am , it's been a very long time since I've written a blog post .The Used is playing Poetic Justice. I'm laying in bed , I haven't slept in a week . My throat is killing me . This month has been such a roller coaster I think I'm just throwing myself in and out of things and I'm so lost at everything I once knew has become not . So where do we begin . I think when it comes to relationships , even though every one is different , I'm not guessing any more . So this is my advice to all of you . If they don't tell you how they feel , assume they don't feel it . I used to think actions meant more than words, my second part of advice is you better get both .  When someone wants something there isn't an excuse of why they can't get it or won't . When you want something you will do whatever it takes to get it and furthermore not lose it .  If your dating someone and their chasing other girls , how serious are they about getting to know you ? If someone loves you but isn't there for you , what good is that love . I've had it with cowards I'll tell you this . Do not settle . If your chasing something that's not chasing you , then walk away .

Life is short .

Agent Orange

The Way To Run

There's a light I chase 

Some where beyond this song 

Half past fates secrets 

I hear them alone in the dark

Chase me after dark 

I'll save you from the winter 

Hold me close don't let me fall 

I'll chase away your anger 

Better now than ever 

Standing in the middle of this war

Never ever leaving this place - 

My hand is holding out 

Holding out for yours

I'm running through the forest 

No direction 

But I know you'll save me

I'm here 

To save you from the disregard of every yesterday - 

I hide in your safe . 

Like this perfect holiday . 

All I ever wanted you to know 

Is your my favorite song 

My favorite t shirt the one I always wore 

The one you never throw away 

Tattered and stained 

We are

My hand is out 

Waiting for yours . 

Chase me 

There is no winter here 

Hold me close 

I'll exchange sadness for joy 

Your my favorite song 

My favorite day 

I knew it 

All 

Along . 

Never thrown away . 

Sent from my iPhone

Bridge

I'm writing now on the sky 

Where I used to place all my dreams and bet on fate 

Now I'm tracing in the clouds ...... 

Under my arm I've always carried this note 

I thought maybe you wouldn't come 

And I knew you would 

So I left it in my pocket every word growing old 

Never losing it's meaning 

Every day I laid awake broken 

While you were away 

Nothing's ever the same 

As I carve  you out of my day 

Fall asleep to memories at night 

Now I see you here 

Right across the room 

I'm handing you this note 

I held on to for so long 

And I died with out 

I was lost with out 

Roaming around in the crowds 

I'm writing in this sky

Where I used to dream 

I carved out today 

I knew in every moment I lost 

I knew in every moment I died 

That you would find me here 

You would find me here 

Now I'm safe 

Now I'm hand tied 

It's ok 

It's ok 

Old letters 

Still have meaning 

Just like yesterday

Where All The Boys Went

It's Saturday I'm listening to The Brand New . I haven't written on Agent Orange in a while . It's 8:30 pm . I'm documenting this Saturday night to tell you I thought I had all the answers , maybe I do , maybe I'm not listening . 

This is how I see it , if someone see's your value , they won't risk losing you in their life . Is it that simple ? Is their a grey area ? To me at 38 I don't care about the grey area , I will tell you why , 

Because I know my value , I give 100% maybe I'm not perfect . I'm not . But what I do know is if I see value in you , you will get my 100% and boy that doesn't come easy to give . 

So if you want to be a coward , lost , confused , or whatever else my old collection of black and white cards of horrible friends , lost boyfriends who never wanted to show up and be something different , then here is the door . Because I gave you my all . 

If you want my all , then give me what I'm worth . Because being taken for granted is not on a goal list , not on my dream card , and neither is sitting here writing this . 

Someday I'll get what I'm looking for , maybe some one can step up to the plate , because they know , I do the same 

Catastrophe (1)

What is it to love a girl
Dressed in candy compromise
Holding my dress up
Can they see my face
Amoungst the crowd
Invisible  to him left like a broken
Child .

They said Anastasia was really a princess
As I look for the trains tracks
If I could get lost
I would get lost in you -

If I showed you my pages
Would you read them
Like your favorite ice cream
Sticky hands

Washes her away
What is it to love a girl
If I presented my funny shaped lips
If gave you paper cut heart

Lived life never knowing
What it's like
To be loved
By you

Crossing Fingers

I'm chalkboard half erased on this wall
It's me or them
It's you or this game of
Hopscotch and I'm never the win

Cross my fingers
Watch the ocean dress in the morning
I send you a note
Will you check maybe .

Is this the question
As I leave these sentences
One kiss under this tree
Carved out letters for you and me

My converse are always untied
My words are a mess
My lips puffy and red .

Here is my hand .

I'm not quick sand
I watch the fate undress in the evening
Will you kiss me good night

And I'll pass you a note
Say good bye

Half erased chalk
On your drive way
Unread letters , take my hand

It's all I ever heard
It's all I ever wanted

It's midnight now
I'm alone in my bed

Singing you this song
As you sit in your room
Can you hear it

Will (1)

Alice places her key behind the painting
Her fingers are torn
A split iris falls like rain as he passes through thoughts
Like a door way , haunted
Lost in a nightmare
Her heart beats in locket
Half to you
Half to me

Fate puts her dress on
I am the funeral now
Winter sets in .

You can't save her
She's invisible
The rain is falling
They walk by

The clock her hands are dirty
I see you
In my reflection
I see you in this song

A composer with nothing left
An empty audience

Dear Alice
Can you find your way back
Will he be waiting at the bottom ?

Connect

You sit under my pillow
Kiss me good night
Smeared on your memory
Erased by the morning .

Tell me where do I linger
On your lips in the evening
I'm the tomorrow
I'm yesterday .

More than white panties
More than warm embrace

I'm the wolf in the corner
I'm the girl in the shadow
I'm the heart in your fingers

Listen to the music as it plays ....
I'm the black widow
I'm the angel

Love me
Leave me
Either way

I'm not a game

Tell u ride

It's cold outside 

But warm inside your inbox 

Where one last message beats 

To the sound of the song playing 

On the winter air 

Maybe just maybe 

You won't find your pencil or your pen 

But the message still stands 

 Initials carved in old trees
Held together by its roots
And the courage
To hold on to dreams 

Maybe At All

Maybe if I was there where you were
You would've seen that I could've been the star in a dark sky
There's an ambition in the way light enters a dark room
And a fear of figuring out what went wrong
So the chills that run down your spine are better spent in your room alone
I'm better in the sky
Where I'm warm
Tell me friend , how did I fall from your ceiling broken and white
The one you draw dreams from
I wanted to be part of the clouds
That hang on your ceiling fan

But the story goes and goes again
As the chill runs down your spine
You would rather feel alone in your bed ....

Twin Flames

If I could tell the story I have 

Locked up in my safe 

Behind the painting over my fireplace 

I'd sit you down 

Eye to eye - tell you how I felt him 

From the inside the moment I layed my eyes on him 

I couldn't explain in it in detail 

All I could tell you is I knew him 

With out ever speaking a word 

With out ever saying our first hello

I fell in his soul / sounds crazy I know 

But there I stood as time as we knew it 

Stood still 

I knew in an instant he was mine forever 

I just had to have faith 

Because faith herself told me / his soul was telling me so 

And they begun a conversation from across a room 

I could barely sit still I didn't even know your name I knew I loved you / more than I ever loved before - 

That's the feeling I had the day I met him 

Mad (1)

Alice seems fitting
As she feels misplaced
Amoungst the daisies and the fences
She looks at the window panes
Seems nothing is left

Alice tell me the story
About how mad this love is
That far beyond time
It still exist

There could be an answer
He's looking through my window
I saw him yesterday
Sitting down below

I beg him in
Without speaking

Tell the devil
I'm here , and his lines
Run under my fingertips

So Alice
I wait at the door
The moon is hanging
By half nails and consequence

Tell me about this love
The kind you find under petals
Like the lost rain that  lingers in
The morning

And I will tell you
I remember the leaving
And the very first day I met you

Still

I saw you there in the snow
It's been half past 12
For a while , and it's cold

Do you know how the blizzard
Feels

I heard this song about a dirt road
Saw a stranger in my dreams
You knew the Braille on the wall
You carry a copy in your wallet

I sit outside
I waited .

You left it on the ground
Didn't you
The key to every note
To the piano

You begged me to play
Now sits at this funeral today

It was .
As the numbers fall
Bear no meaning
No rest
Contemplated death

I see you in the snow
But did you know
What my blizzard was like
As I sit missing hands
Missing piano   And key

The cross road came
I took the path that left you behind

You sit
In winter

Lost

Hurricanes

I wait between grey pages nothing's the same
No ones really here , I'm alone in the eye of the winds
No one reaching back for her hand

I run across oceans searching
No hope no faith no glory
Dress torn ripped
Sword fallen
You ask , have you given up yet ?

My eyes are black
My chest empty
No heart left beating ......

I rise above the storm
But will you rise with me
As the waves are as high as the eye can see

I stand here alone
The answer is bleak , hollow , void
Black smudges this paper grey
As I write
Not this storm
Will take her away

What's Real

I'm listening to the song vengance . I feel like I have something important to share I hope I do not lose my train of thought . I hope I don't lose you in it .
We are made up of energy , an electrical current just like an outlet if you will and the plug . Once two people are connected there is an energy coursing through . You can't stop it . It's something you feel all the time . You need two parts for it to be whole . People wonder about their twin flame or soul mate I will tell you , anyone who is not flowing with your energy is not your twin or soul mate , there in it for some other reason . It's so simple . There's no questions . It just happens . They don't want it to stop . I see so many articles , how to get him to love me ? How to get him to call ? If your reading those then move on !! Energy is real . It's another persons music only you can hear .

Also if your chasing emotion your probably dealing with an emotionally unavailable person
Just move on . Never chase after an emotion .

It's not about dating or friendship - trust me -

Agent Orange