Shattered Sea

Caught a break at the shore 

Heart beats running low 

4 cords broken , and a necklace .... 

The loss of breath in a speechless memory 

Not knowing the time and what I lost 

The last moment you held me 

Caught under a tide 

Where you used to save me 

Circle

Abandoned by faith , I reach across finger tips left in the wind 

I wanted to carry you - 

A landslide of a world crumbles 

If I could have one more day 

When all the minutes are long gone 

Smoke settles I'm left alone 

I won't run 

I wanted to carry you 

Can I bend the wind 

For one more day 

lucky Penny

Cost of a lost penny 

The one you held onto for so long 

Escaping through muted holes in my pocket , 

The rain is pouring out here 

I'm searching through the cold 

My knees bruised and the whole world washes away 

Sifting through the pain 

It's growing dark 

I'm lost 

 

I can't go home til I find it 

No where in sight .....

Awaken (1)

I catch the sun light in a rusted window 

Warm embrace in this cold room 

Always raining inside 

Lying on the ground watching clouds pass by , 

I grasp the warm buttons of your smile 

Wrap it around me like a lost photograph found over and over again 

As the light passes , I beg her hero to come home . But these pictures are black 

And white . 

Waiting by the window 

To catch her sun 

Again 

Diary

I lie in bed , my mind races . I'm flooded with memories of a lost love , I'm flooded with the day's stress . Then I hear a movie playing in the back ground of my thoughts . It's the 1959 sleeping beauty . As the music plays my mind slows back to child hood . The movie is magical in its vintage innocence . All at once my daughter who is napping beside me puts her head on my chest and wraps her arms around my neck . She mutters in her sleep about how she loves me . All at once my mind is blank and stress leaves me ..... 

As the piano suit plays in the back ground . I fall asleep . 

Her Letter

She can't sleep any more , she tries to erase it . She lays on her pillow and it floods her brain , she feels like it's slipping away like an hour glass with no sand ..... 

No end . 

Just lost in her memories of you . 

She knows he won't come back . 

But she has a fire in her heart that won't die . 

She is alright with that . 

But she has no rest .... 

No answer .... 

She just knows , for the first time in her life , what love feels like . 

Your in every song , decision , tear , and smile . 

She can't sleep anymore , 

She knew the last time she looked in his eyes would be the last , 

She stared at him for a while . Breaking into a hundred million peices inside . 

She held it in with a smile ......no one could see it , but you . You knew . 

You knew she truly loved you ...

14th wish

Giving up a hollocaust 

Slitting my wrist to not feel this pain 

It's a tragic war , she whispers in the darkness of where your light used to shine 

She looks down , can't be a friend of time . 

I close brass button jacket

Slip on my glasses and hide behind black ink edges , burning like ashes 

Can you see the flames ? 

Left here alone , no ones to blame 

Soul is a ghost I sent with you 

With puffy red lips 

A heart 

A wish 

Car sales and judgement

Today was a horrible day . I guess people really have a picture in their minds that car salesman are bad people . I sold Audi 's and guess what my store was honest . We would get fired for lying to our customers . My new job its relentless , they are so vicious towards me because they have this idea that I'm bad , because I sold cars ? Let's take this deeper ... Shall we ? First of all fuck you to the people who judge others .  There are bad people in any profession ,  no matter what .  I'm a nice , honest person .

I was told to quit today because I'm a car salesman ... So lesson is - don't judge others . And fuck everyone who does ...

The Truth on Beauty

I've been taught my whole life in order to be loved or accepted I must be super thin , dress a certain way , be a certain way . Being taught that I was enough was never in the daily routine . I grew up with severe eating disorders and social anxiety . I bought into a lie . Thankfully I know now that it is a lie . 

I work out to be healthy and strong and acceptance based on beauty is not my focus but my integrity and my heart . 

I see so many people dying of eating disorders . Is it hard every day for me to believe I'm enough ? Yes . It's haunting .

I'm not saying not to care for yourself or be healthy because these are crucial to a healthy life and mind . 

What I am saying is , you are enough just the way you are in the mirror . I mean if you are not good enough for someone else than are they enough for you ? 

The answer is no . 

Let me tell you a story , years ago I was so weight obsessed I took every drug spent hours in gym every day and almost died . I found myself in a hospital and thought this is not worth my life . It was that day I chose to live . 

Lesson : do not compare your self to others . 

Do not talk negatively to yourself 

Do not find love of self in others . It's in you 

If you have an eating disorder get help . It will kill you . 

Be you be beautiful . Don't let anyone silence you . Be empowered . 

Thank you 

Amy 

Post - tragic

There's a single smile set aside in time only meant for you , 

As I move to the train I see it coming 

I board and wave good bye . 

There is nothing I can do 

Love isn't enough to save the world 

I was looking to save yours 

I battled the war , not alone but apart 

And the station is empty 

So she boards alone 

Winter

The cold stains her fingers as she holds what's left of her heart
Sleeping under the stars captured in a necklace dangling in the snow

What she has left of wishes is fading in the cold winter
As she patches the broken mirror together she sees his reflection ....

Yet she can't reach him .

The Crown

Blue stains the walls of her eyes 

Never leaving imprinted iris , a blooming heart photographing fingerprints on fragile soul stitched together 

Like shadows and untouched puzzles never knowing the picture only loving the color and the time spent together building kolidiscopes and sky scrapers 

May I write a fairy tale , where you rescue me ? 

The man in the puzzle is you and the girl you ask for is me , and you find that missing peice on the floor , 

And there you are looking back at me .

A dear diary

It's Friday night , there are two days left to leaving Audi . It's very emotional . For reasons that I'm saying good bye to much more than my job . I cried all the way home tonight . I don't do very many "dear diaries ". 

Transition - means : you see friends rise and you see friends fall . Also I feel him near me , I wish he would just write , but that's another story . 

There has been tremendous love and pain this year . The most extreme of both and so here I am alone on Friday night writing to all of you . I have made huge changes and I'm proud of myself . I don't feel them yet , but I've made them . I feel the hard part of change , but I know soon the reward will soon come . I have to be positive . Thank you to all my loved ones the ones who are here and proved to stand by my side ... Until next time 

Amy 

Comings and Goings

History goes black 
ink spilled in elementary notes and unused grammar of I love you , destined for hearts asleep on pillows that could never imagine the tears that fall for you , 

On lined notebook scribbles , waiting at the store , empty inbox, filled to the brim is four chambers of your smile and everything I could give , 

Of your beauty , the beauty of your flaws, your home was in me , if I captured a moment , I would take one last picture to hold your smile again . 

There's no other love . as this pen runs dry 

Love Song

I'll never get used to losing you

The Wake

I play  in the snow , keys stained by broken souls fallen on black and white porcelain ashes , foot steps crowd an empty dream as I wipe rusted drawn eyes 

It's left here in print with no proof of existence as the snow falls my brass buttons freeze , pink lips open in disbelief 

In the memory of this funeral procession

Of the final moment when I stood eye to eye  in front of you searching every moment 

To find one to grasp your heart so you would stay 

But you looked into my eyes

Then you looked away 

Compromise

There's a cost to sitting out the war

Nothing gained , losing everything with out ever holding on 

Regret echos the empty drive and the smell of  rotting defeat as the glass sits empty 

For another night left to rusted chairs sitting in a cold bar 

Speaking so clearly , and it's to late 

Waisted gains 

To return tomorrow knowing you will come home wanting 

Letting Go

It's that corner in the day , you live

I sit with you still , where I used to hold your hand 

Now I'm grasping your fingers 

Letting go is all of me , I'm screaming and begging for your ghost not to go 

A shadow of what remains , a vision that steals my soul , 

With you it was  real , I have to stop looking in your direction . Your not coming around and I know , 

The tears fall , as many as the miles you rest your head away and I can't , I sit here in the corner of the day , searching for your eyes , to tell me it will be all right 

Down to hands and fingers  , I look down and cry . 

The Passing

Grace takes my hand , another dawn follows me in her sleep 

Still he is not here and the days remain hollow 

The light stands still at the end of the tunnel and all I have is fate and faith 

And a little girls dreams I hold onto with notes crumpled and old . 

I keep them in a safe box beneath my lungs locked away . Waiting for eternity's hoping for his return 

Maybe another day

Negative space compiles over Picasso's best canvas torn down in a rage 

I converge to the road I drive aimless 

There's your eyes I center my gravity 

Nothing is everything lost now in broken days 

I wait at the door and nothing 

Faith sleeps with her mask on and I'm pounding down her door . Is anyone listening ?

I carry you in my smile , in the song and in every peice I give away and hold on to 

I can't seem to move . I can't seem to breathe you see . 

You are the lungs I used under the ocean 

The heart I used to find joy 

There is nothing apart from my day with out you 

As I let go I hold on , as I wait a little longer