Love

It’s 5 am on a Sunday I have to get up to go running I haven’t in days I haven’t been feeling well. The topic loneliness. At 40 and being single I know I’m independent the only person I’ve been with is my ex we broke up in late December pretty recent so I have not dated in my healing mode I’ve become quite isolated I like my bubble I like being safe. A safe place where no one can hurt me it suits me for now. I do watch couples and families and I envy there love for each other but I’m just not brave enough not healed enough to venture out yet. I do realize time is passing by so quickly and where do you meet new people any way ? I’m a firm believer in real life connections not online dating I think it will come when it comes . My friends at work tease me and tell me I will die a cat lady this might be so but God has a plan. There is a season for every thing. Love myself first.

Value

Let me tell you a story . A woman walked by at work wearing a t shirt saying - chase this. The shirt in itself caught our attention and my fellow co worker Brian who has become a good friend looked at me and said, Amy that’s what you need to get .” I looked at him in confusion. I said,” get what ?” He said, “ self esteem “ as he walked away. His statement stayed with me as I drove home that night. Was Brian right. Was I sad every day over an ex boyfriend who treated me like garbage because I don’t see my value? Or was It because I truly loved him? I pondered this for hours. And why did I give so much power to people who tore me apart on the daily? If I saw my value would any thing matter. Because I’m worth being loved? 

Brian my friend had a point in the midst of the hustle and bustle of work he saw right through me. I don’t want to be 40 and single and not know what’s it’s like to be worth it and valuable and know it. 

Maybe it’s something I need to work on but thank you Brian for pointing it out. 

On my own

Pain slides past my eyes hidden behind brown flecks behind a masked sun 

There’s a white dress and red lips 

I can’t escape the memories 

Branded in my mind . 

I try to run away 

I try to write . 

But your there next to me every where I go 

Just like yesterday is today 

And I 

Can’t breathe 

I can’t change the pain you caused me 

I can’t change the way you left me 

I can’t change a thing 

So tell me as I sit here alone 

With you 

Our song on repeat 

The same tears falling day after day 

Me wearing the same mask 

And your old sweat shirt 

I can’t feel you 

I can’t smell you any more . 

But fuck 

I’m here in the crowd invisible 

I’m here in the crowd not one damn person sees me here 

But your next to me 

I’m the only one who sees you 

Smiling at me as you fade slowly 

I’m screaming alone in my car . 

Nothing changes 

As the sun rises 

The sun sets . 

I can’t change how you left 

How you didn’t love me the way you said you did 

But most of all I can’t change 

That I loved you the way I said I did . 

So here I am 

In this big fucking crowd alone 

I’m screaming 

I’m invisible 

No one saw me 

But you . 

And your so far away . 

I can’t change 

My white dress 

My brown eyes 

Or you the way your with me . 

So I run 

You didn’t love me 

I run 

You left me . 

I run 

I love you .

Apology

The apology I’ll never get I wish I got every word .

Dear J

What happens when it’s raining inside . 

Who have I become 

It’s the thoughts that run about 

The thoughtless . 

How far are we away from home 

When everyone seems like strangers 

Maybe I can’t sleep with out you 

As I watched you forget me . 

As you lost my hand 

In the crowd . 

As the night becomes day 

I’m alright I say . 

Just one last breath 

My heart will never beat 

The same way . 

It’s half past midnight 

I listen to our song play . 

I’m just another meaningless person 

And you are the ghost that haunts my days 

Someone save me . 

It’s raining on the inside 

Make no mistake 

I’ll make the world believe the sun is shining 

This is my greatest gift 

As I’m dying . 

As you lost my fingers in the crowd 

As night once again becomes day 

I tell myself I’m ok . 

As I drift away 

I drift away 

It’s half past midnight 

Our song plays 

I’m just a meaningless person 

And you are my today 

My yesterday 

My ghost . 

Someone please save me 

It’s raining in here . 

- Amy Everett

Drives

Its the rim of your hat 
On a sunny day 
Imagine your smile 
I never loved anyone more . 
I still cry just thinking of you 

I can’t imagine 
The way you lied to me 
Put me in a coffin
Tucked me away . 
Like nothing ever happened . 

Its unimaginable 
You were the love of my life 
Frozen back in time 
The way we held hands 
Like nothing could ever tear this thing apart . 
I believed that . 

I sit here writing this in a parking lot alone 
Maybe somethings we just don’t understand 

Maybe one day the pain will lessen 

My Life

At 40 my life is so boring because I’m working my ass off to become what I’ve always dreamed of becoming. I don’t get to sit at home and be lazy and not work but that’s never been me. I strive to be my very best all the time. I work 14 hour days I go to the gym on my lunch I walk all day I work hard I’m to tired to go out and any extra time I have is to be with my daughter . There is no white horse to come save me I have to do it myself . Unfortunately I’m single and the one I loved didn’t work out so my blinders are on and I’m focused . I’m pretty blessed though through all the pain every single person around me I’m touched with love and friendship and that is a blessing . I see God working through my hard days I just pray there not always so hard always bad luck. I hurt so much inside but I spend so much time in prayer . I know I’ve come through the desert . I’m tired of friends trying to set me up I know they have good intentions but I’m emotionally just done I’m so heart broken I am just waiting on God for this time of healing and restoration amen .

The world is a cold place . People are aweful for no reason they have no God because God is love . If someone does not treat you with love they are not with God period .

Sometimes with my heart issues I think how long do I even have to live I cherish my daughter every moment .

Gotta love big while we’re here . Ignore the crazy people there not worth it . People are sad and jealous . Pray for them . All we can do is have faith and keep moving forward .

Valentines

Since google is deleting all blog post on April 4th I’ll write until my blog is gone as well as everyone else with a blog . Valentines Day was never anything important to me any year I believe you should always be loving every day . It’s a gimmick we all know this . I think the part I hate is my loving friends with good intentions feel bad I’m single . I’m here to say it’s my choice trust me I need to be healing and it’s really not Gods timing right now. Last Valentines my love now ex love just completed a stint in rehab and he dropped of roses from a near by gas station I’m no snob trust me but I just knew something was wrong . Indeed he was using again and I knew him pretty well let’s just say I spent my Valentines alone in tears . I realize at 40 I made my own mistakes but I also need to heal from them . We don’t know all the time who we are going to love or the issues they will have but now I know what I need to heal in me . I definitely would love to be married and I have a sadness when I see couples shopping every day at work but it’s not my time and I’m very ok with that

I’m waiting on God. So for anyone alone on Valentines chin up .

I’m Not The Only One

I think about him every day. Did he just take advantage of me? He had to of.No one uses and lies to someone to such a degree with no remorse it’s not humanly possible then comes and goes with no conscience it’s almost a level or crazy. I loved the version of this person I thought was real but he sold me some lie . If it was real he would’ve got help but he didn’t . He abused me he knew I loved him more then life he never even apologized . Me a normal loving human can’t rationalize the thought process of a sick person I try every damn day to let it go I have to . I pray to . I think there is a healing process when you go through this process with an addict of such magnitude I never want anyone to come close to my heart ever again . I hide away my pain . I pray constantly . Maybe one day I’ll be in a place to help others but I am blessed to where even in sorrow I’ve found joy in daily things . In time maybe I’ll get Amy back . I think of him we had so many times together maybe those moments were real . Now there dead . But I’m just having faith for my future . Right now I’m just doing things that don’t necessarily use the heart like work hard at my job or my diet . But healing is something people need to take the time to do . Find the anchor in Christ . Not around your neck .

It’s friday night I need to go to the gym . Accomplish more goals !!! And remember I’m not alone

Love ❤️

It’s kind of crazy my blog is being erased I need to find away to update or back up all my stuff the past ten years but thank you to everyone who has followed me and supported me 30k readers. I’m working in San Marcos now I love love it . God has really stuck to his promises and I’m sticking with him healing from a bad break up a lost love and centering my life on Christ and my daughter at this point God tells me bits of where my future is going and then I see it happening but the rest is blind faith . It’s not always easy but God is my father he guides me through this journey let’s see what 2019 has I need rest for sure and Gods love .

Never Has

I’m left in the center 

Yellow lines mis understood and cut in the middle 

Grabbed my hand never let me go 

Playing on our radio 

As the tears streamed down your face 

Never had a love so strong he said as we drove into a night I never thought would end 

And I let you past my walls 

Farther then anyone . 

And my god your smile the way you looked back at me 

I knew I was in love . 

I knew you would never let go of me 

The way we fought 

To hold on . 

Then there was the day that letter had come 

You said good bye 

The day I found out you found someone else . 

Or the the night you begged me back 

But then you wouldn’t even kiss me good night 

Never would I imagine such a night mare 

Cuz ‘ baby I let you in farther then anyone ever got 

They say I never deserved This 

Maybe that’s true 

But what is a girl to do 

As I stand here alone dancing under the full moon where you left me here 

As our song plays 

Never let me go 

Now it’s a reminder 

That you only loved yourself 

And I can’t breathe any more 

And the memory of your smile 

Staring back at me 

And baby I loved you like I loved no one else 

My heart it no longer beats the same . 

I’m left in the center

Yellow lines under the full moon light 

Never had a love like this you said . 

As I stand here alone . 

Trying to forgive you 

Trying to forgive you 

For hurting me like no one ever has . 

Like no one ever has . 

Depression

It’s the cold temperature in the room
Hanging heads capture lost hearts
There is a war
It’s the acceptance of pain
Nothing will ever reach me again
I try to light a fire .

But the storm is washing me away
I’m here alone
Fighting my way out of this darkness
The small flicker of light
Digresses .....

Intermittent the room I’m sinking in
Like a boat lost at sea.
The way you salvaged me
Heart beating .

I’m broken buttons on a rare jacket
You left on your chair

It’s always cold in here
Has anyone met dispear

I’m in her prison
Begging for light .

Doing The Right Thing

It’s been a month since it all happened and still last night I had this awful nightmare. I used to hold on to the love I had knowing in the end we would be together now I’m left with this pain I can’t shake or make sense of . How do I do it I have no idea . My sister said I would feel fine if I knew my worth that’s not true I know my worth it does not discount that the person you loved hurts you in just about every way imaginable and walks away with a care. The people left in the wreckage with the big loving hearts just wanted love seems simple right . But maybe I chose someone who couldn’t love not even himself . I gave more then I ever had to make it work . I lay here now with a much new changing life I created through great strength and determination and a lot of faith in the Lord. I’m going run a marathon, I’m changing stores as of Monday and I’m moving hopefully soon but I know this is God’s plan . That’s the only thing I do know is that gods plan and purpose happen and if he wanted God to and me he would’ve sought help together .

Here I am alone . Figuring out how to heal . Praying a lot trying to find some kind of peace and joy
I have no desire to be with any man . None . Maybe I’m depressed maybe I know my focus needs to be on God and healing . Amen

Enough

It’s pretty serious you know the topic of enough. I’ll start here not sure how this will end so bear with me. It all adds up and ends up to equal nothing right . I have to say something because it’s wisdom no one ever told me years ago I never listened to or maybe never quite understood. I went to life course seminars , counseling and prayed a lot, this  but still it didn’t sink in . It took taking drugs , and eating disorders - being abused over and over and trading my worth for scars and still I didn’t get it. That I was enough . I sit here in jeans I wore when I was 24 there to big I lost so much weight but it’s not enough I strive to lose more . When my relationship didn’t work with my ex who was an addict I thought it was because I was not enough . When things don’t work out is it that we are not enough?

I’ve wasted years trying to prove to wrong people I’m enough . Have you ? Have you almost literally killed yourself proving to this empty world that you indeed are enough ? The world tells you these lies let me tell you Satan wants to rob you wait not rob you kill you,yes the Bible says kill. If it wasn’t for God’s grace I would be dead . Even so dead inside - do you feel dead on the inside ? Empty ? Because your chasing things of the world because you don’t feel like you are enough?

It’s a lie . God died for us saved us by his grace so we could have a hope and a future and the same God who made the heavens and the earth made you and the same God who made you stands before you and defeats all evil


Not only are you enough but you have power . I wanted to send a message of hope . If I can find hope in this dark world so can you . If God can change my life he can change yours .

Wins ❤️

Overall our society has become more selfish and self centered instead of more selfless and other centered . In whole we should always think win - win right that’s pretty obvious. But let’s take it step deeper what if we truly esteemed our relationships before ourselves ? Wouldn’t that be a concept ? To drop all your needs and give your lover there needs and vice versa. Did you know true love does not die ? So explain divorce ? Breakups ? And heart ache ? Selfishness is the core and the malnourishment of needs causes disconnection but love does not die . There is no such thing as falling out of love . God says so love unconditionally .

So what are the symptoms of disconnection? Think about it. What is your win - win today . I’m single today and will stay this way until God ordains a special someone who understands Gods character . No one is perfect but it’s the try.Right?So how can you win today .

it’s just a list

It’s Wednesday it’s raining and I’m on my lunch. Where would I rather be you ask. In Paris and in love laughing and traveling not in this parking lot so maybe I’ll put it on my bucket list . I once made a bucket list I did everything on it except go to England it was my number 1 thing . I was so impressed I finished my bucket list I wondered if I might die soon but I’m still here but there are things I’ve never had. A. Have someone love me B. Be proposed to. I’m 40 it seems like I’ve lost out on those things for good . I can’t say I’m ok with it . But there isn’t snyhing I can do about it either so maybe I’ll fly myself to Paris and England and by myself a ring . Ah eff it right. At least I love myself enough to not be with a loser asshole . So here I am in a parking lot on my lunch writing bucket list in the rain . So in the mean time I can’t give on myself because you guys will see me make it come true . Right now I’m going to drink some tea instead . Chow

The Next Mark

Maybe as we move forward and evolve the ones who stay the same stay behind us . We try to drag them with us because we love them we scream we cry we’re a bloody mess but in the end they are choosing to sit still . As we move forward we see the darkness close around them can’t they see it?

I think moving forward is hard not that I’m a victim but it’s acceptance. Acceptance to give up a dream I fought so hard for and believed in and lost . You know what I mean . We were so close.

I don’t know how to deal with the pain yet and that’s ok but what I do know is I’m pouring myself into other dreams right now to keep myself moving and staying focused on moving forward . I’ve learned this works for me . I’m fixing my credit , changing locations , my body is changing every day

 and next week I start with the best trainers around to really take myself to the whole next level. Sure these are outside things but I know my insides are different because I’m no longer settling to be treated poorly like before . I’m working every day to be closer to God trying hard not to sin. Trying to figure out what God wants and how to heal . This is where I’m at today. I’m sure 2019 will be about total healing process , moving , total over haul on my credit and I’ll be all I need for myself . When this happens I’ll be closer to more answers I won’t be as sad I hope . In this time of loss . I’m very aware of my feelings and where I am at . I just have to be patient in this process . I’ve matured as a woman and do not have room for bull shit . Just hard work of healing and working super hard on my goals . My head is down and I will persevere you know why ? Because I always do . I’m a great woman a strong woman .

Invisible

I sit in Barnes and Noble every day I notice no one does anyone notice me or care if I’m dead or alive

Sunrise

Although you are in the wake of your healing
You give everything and have not been loved back
Someone will love you Amy
Who deserves your love .

News Line

As 2019 approaches so does change like a tornado. Like devastation that cleared out all that I once knew and the only thing standing is the clear path God has set before me. If I didn’t take 2018 to just heal and get to know Jesus better I would be a lost boat at sea with no direction and no peace. But things are different now everything has changed and with God as my anchor I’m fine . I still feel pain and sorrow and anger but I also have peace and hope this is where the difference lies. Because I know whatever life brings I need to do Gods will and be upright and stay close to him and he will lead me down his path . For instance my boyfriend the love of my life my heart we tried to work it out he definitely was not walking on God’s path he did not have Gods peace in his life or we would be together. Instead there was dishonesty, and who knows what broke us apart . Even though I was devastated I know God has a bigger purpose for me . This is where peace comes from . I decided to follow my dream of living in San Diego I put in for a transfer after being sad and alone on Christmas Day . I thought God has a purpose for me my life is not finished . Be brave Amy . So I’m going to San Diego .

My best friend was demoted and transferred out of my store she was my rock the only person who understood my break up the one who has been here for me . Another devastation but God has a plan again peace in faith . Satan tried to take us down over and over . But God takes care of his people .

It’s about not believing Satan’s lies and being a victor not a victim ! Amen. I now read my bible on my lunch you can’t get rid of old lies with out putting in new truths . All I want is to be close to
God . I found this picture of Raigan . It reminds me of how fast time flies !!! Joy comes from the Lord we have to seek him to have it to have hope .

Amen

Here

It’s an old telegram 

Ink is smudged I’m not sure if there’s a stamp 

Your mouth 

Your mouth is poison

I’m not sure what happened between today 

And when we danced in the street . 

You once told me you loved me only yesterday I was the girl you dreamed of 

And today I lie here alone staring at the night sky on our old street where you promised to never say good bye. 

I say I love you 

But I don’t know you any more 

As I let you go 

As you said good bye . 

I couldn’t write the words if I wanted to 

I always thought I could 

About how you said 

You would never let me go 

As you pushed me out of sight 

Maybe 

Your mouth is poison . 

And I couldn’t write the story if I wanted to 

Remember the nights you couldn’t 

Fall asleep with out me . 

It’s an old telegram 

Written to a stranger 

As I lay here under the night sky 

Listening as the cars pass by 

Remember how you kissed me good night 

How did you leave me here 

To become a stranger 

Alone at our funeral . 

Maybe your mouth is poison 

Maybe I’ll always be here 

Right here 

Under the street lights 

Where you left me

Straight Jacket

I’m lost and forgotten
Invisible little girl in the corner
You had something better to do

I’m just a shelf
A dusty shelf
I’m just an old song
You pass by
I was something you hung up and took down
When you felt like .

Used
Alone .

I gave you all
You pushed me away

I sit here in the dark
You always come to steal from me
Then you go
Promising me
Promising me
You won’t
It’s different now
It’s duffernt now !!!!!!!

Trust me you say
Trust me !!!!!

I let you in .
Then you go .

Why .

You once read the words on these pages
Now you wouldn’t even touch me when I was close to you in bed
You begged me for chances
Then ignored me instead
I don’t know how to make sense of the dead .

I’m left here in my sadness
Confusion instead
Walking away
Never knowing who you really were

You begged me to hold me close to kiss me
But you pushed me away instead
I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes
I feel like screaming
Why would you do such evil to someone who loved you

I sit here lost and confused . Why .

Falls (1)

Someone will find me here
Won’t they ?
Alice in her pretty dress
She’s ready for her next adventure
As she lays in bed
Why do I feel like a mess
The piano plays heavy in the air

I have the power to conquer this
Rabbit says .
And all the boys said she’s beautiful
Except him .
The one she danced with at midnight
She held him one last time
Said her last good bye .

Maybe I’ve wasted so much time
Said the hands on this clock
Today I’m not crying .

I’m just wondering why
Where did I go wrong .
I wrote this story on my own
There’s a road Alice said
Lead to you

A dark hole
Cut my hands
The music stopped playing
It stripped me of my beauty
And I didn’t know where you had gone to

But it wasn’t me
Was it you .

I light candles in my room
I’m alone .

How does the story end Alice
How does it end .

Dear Santa

I’ve been pretty good girl this year. I don’t party I don’t have sex and my list is pretty short .

1.In home gym
2.House on beach
3.Husband who loves God .

Ok . Pretty easy .

Thanks
Santa .

Missed Turn

The rooms are crowded by young and old couples all laughing. They know what each other loves and how they take their coffee it’s not just the beat of the drum of the day it’s because they care. I realize at 40 I don’t have this and I’m alone. I never minded being alone but my life is half over and their is no one who knows how to order for me at a Restaurant or order coffee for me at a Starbucks. It may seem trivial but it’s apart of love and best friends . I’m scared I’ll never have it never know it, I wasted my time and love on men who never paid much attention to me it’s sad - sad indeed . Am I wasted ? Is my heart wasted ? I thought I had an impact the love I gave but I suppose that isn’t true. My life is just Unrequited love never coming back full circle.

I’m 40 half my life is over . I just want to know what love means before I die. To know what it means that someone thinks of me in a special way. God willing I suppose.

Taken Back

You gave it all then took it away
You cut my heart to turn it black
I’m taking it back from you .
Your the devil in saviors robe . - Y.C.


It’s the society we get lost in
Managing direction amongst the crowds
Mindless and empty
You took my cross to bury me .

Guess what Mr grim reaper
All the blood is on your hands
Mixed with the poison
That fills your bones .

You saw me as a siene
Took my hands to let them go

It’s the devil in sheep’s clothes .
How did you do it
With no regret .

Your the black in my sky
You are the night
Make no mistake
It doesn’t matter what lie you feed yourself
As the flies circle .

I can’t believe you led me here
Down your sink hole
And I was heaven
You gave it away

Big Change

As I drove home yesterday I was thinking of the situations I’ve been put through the past few weeks and though it’s taken a toll on me I realized I’ve changed.I know longer am attracted to situations that are not healthy for me. I no longer need to gain someone’s love to receive value. I used to let people treat me badly because I felt I deserved it and I was not good enough. But now I’m treated poorly I know they are not enough. What a break through moment! If someone loves you they would do what it took to not hurt you and love you. Love never fails. If they walk instead well they didn’t love you enough and you deserve better. I’m not wasting another day on anyone who says one thing but there actions say the opposite. I’m 40 I’ve wasted years of my love on people who took me for granted and never gave anything in return. I’ve just basically been used. No one has ever stepped up to love me I’m the one doing all the loving. Also I won’t date anyone with out Gods permission first. I feel stronger and I know what I deserve a true loving partner who cares about me / Amy.

This has been a long hard road full of pain but also growth. I’m proud of who I’ve finally become.

Once

There’s something about death
The way the pain never dies
The way you cry so hard
Your bones hurt
And it hurts so hard
You can’t see around you
Some how I stand here numb

This is my life .
The acceptance of your death
I know you’ve come
And gone

I lie here staring at my ceiling
With nothing left but memories

And I play our song
I don’t know where to go from here
I’m
Alone in this .

I walk away
As I held you one last time
Pretending you loved me

I wished we danced in the night like we once did
I wish you looked at me like you once did

Now are hands are lost in the distant crowd

I say my last good byes .

Love

I think In the 40 years I’ve been alive the biggest lesson I’ve learned is love is not selfish. The Bible says so. I deserve to be treated for the woman I am. I sacrifice everything when I love someone. I should be shown the same. I think people are selfish when they don’t truly love you or themselves. I know I deserve the level of love I give. Love cost nothing. I would rather be single and love myself then be with someone who is undeserving of my love as they treat me like their  door mat with out any care in the world. It’s crazy to think anyone calls this love. Love never fails right. Unconditional love does not 

I won’t settle for someone with just words and no actions. Who does not love with character of God. 

I’m strong now I’ve been through it all I’m wiser. If you treat me badly or say you love me but have nothing to

Show for it then I’m not wasting my time. 

I would rather be alone then have the person I love make me feel bad about myself. These people are empty. 

I’m not . I’m blessed to know the difference. Love is a bank account if your constantly filling someone’s bank with all your love and they just take until your negative how can you go on ? They need to fill you up back !!!! 

People will use you and lie to you 

Words mean nothing. Actions do. Never settle for something that just isn’t real

Take it from me I know

UnDeR StReEt LighTs

I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl you're taking home- Dancing On My Own . 


It’s half past dawn 
I can’t stop this song 
All around around in my head 
It was you I was dancing with 
Under the empty street lights . 

How did you forget 
As you promised 
I’ll never let you go . 

And I’m here 
Wondering if you see me now 
I waited so long 
To have you back in my arms . 

I lay here alone 
Always alone 
Memories of us fill the night 
I cry . 

Couldn’t you see me 
The one 
Who loved you for so long . 

Maybe the note you left under my pillow 
Is long gone . 
But your the one I dance with every night 
As I wait for you to come - home 

Did you see me 
I fought for you 
Did you see me 
Watching you from the corner . 

As I stand here now 
Under the street lights 
Watching the sun rise . 

I never stopped loving you . 

Stagnate

It’s the bottom of the barrel 

The lights are on 

The dawn whispers as my thoughts linger 

If I could I would go back 

To yesterday 

When you fell

Asleep inside my soul 

In my arms . 

We laughed as the sun set 

Kissed til the stars met 

What I wouldn’t give 

For you to look at me that way again 

As your fingers in the morning we’re still locked with mine . 

Now you lay silent next to me 

I wonder where your mind is 

I just want to meet you there 

I just wanted to meet you 

Right here 

Under the street lights where we left off 

In the cold 

Never letting go . 

Never ever letting go . 

Taming Alice (1)

The wind is blowing the sails 

Alice says we ain’t movin 

And we ain’t home . 

Rust has set in Alice 

Says the cat 

We’ve come so far she said 

To sit here amoungst the shore . 

She covers her bruises well 

They all say she’s beautiful 

But none of that matters now 

All that mattered was that he was home 

But it’s still raining said rabbit . 

Your bandages are a mess . 

The wind is harsh and cold 

As we settle these bets all alone 

And time she laughs . 

I ask God to show me in the distance 

Will we make it . 

I’ve come so far he said . 

All I ever wanted was for him to love me 

The way he loved me before 

There is no calm - on the sea 

I ask the rabbit 

Is there love out there for me . 

Dear 2018

As I listen to Breathe by NF I decided to write 2018 a letter. This year I’ve had the most bad things happen in one year. I’m not playing victim this isn’t what this blog is about but if anyone knows me they know, I’m capable of standing my own ground. The year begun with a new job new boyfriend and I got laid off and I lost everything I worked hard for even my car and my good credit. My boyfriend was there for me but I was a mess a deep depression. I found another job but it was alright.
As we moved through the year to make story’s short I lost my boyfriend I thought I was going to marry he left me for someone else . My dog died the same week, this year I spent in the hospital so many times for my heart thought it was the end having a heart attack.

My friend died of an over dose not one of them but three . And I hired a trainer he pretended to be 28 he was only 22. I tried to wonder can anything go right ? Months have gone by there’s not a day that’s gone by I have not cried. People wonder why I don’t go out and date or party I wonder how I even smile .

I decided though I wouldn’t go out like this I’m no victim. My little girl looks up to me. She can’t see me give up and so many times I just didn’t want to live anymore I couldnt go on.

I decided I’m a warrior I was going to be the best yet . 2018 had me drowning but not dead. I got a new great job. Changed my body and my mind . I’m letting God heal me. They can say my life is boring but I’ll go into 2019 with God’s power and peace.

I’ll forgive all those who hurt me. Work through my grieving, never ever give up because there’s a hope in 2019. There may be the pain and dissapointment of yesterday but with God I have the hope in tomorrow no matter how much goes wrong .

So as we end this year I’ll go out fighting, crushing every goal I ever started . Nothing can stop me

The Way It Goes -2019

I sit here outside of work I’m always early. This month I should do a 100k maybe my best month yet I’m on track to do all I want to do as far as my goals but if I’m being honest I’m so hard on myself I feel really fat still even though I’ve literally lost half a foot in inches alone off my waist in 5 months. I still feel like I’m no where close. But that’s just me. I’ve hit every goal I set out I keep pushing harder and I’m tired. I need a vacation or a break. I think I’m just still sad. I think no
Matter what I just need to trust in God’s plan for me no matter what it is. I need to learn it’s going to be alright . I’m still grieving . It’s a process. I’m doing good other wise . I’m smart I’ve become wise and staying the course has been good for me. I plan on doing this through the holidays staying single and still focused on my goals . Revisit for 2019 will be moving . That’s next on the list .

Rivers Edge

Something broke that day in ways I never thought I could break 

The story seems to be getting stale like old bread they said 

But it’s the poison I ingested 

I watched the arms of the clock 

Pause for a moment 

At the time I found we became disconnected 

I visit this memory where we are still kissing 

To pretend the nightmares never happened . 

It’s like layers of blankets 

Us. 

Never to be uncovered or forgotten 

Someone tries to touch it 

Uncover it 

Its an open wound and I still cry for it 

Try to make sense of it . 

I’m alone you see

In this world 

I been lost since you left home 

I been left searching 

I always thought you would be lost with out me 

I’m a mess 

I don’t care who does not understand that 

I pray wherever you are 

You feel it . 

My friends they want me to be happy 

But I’m happy remembering you smiling at me . 

That memory fades as I’m left here clutching . 

I pray for God to heal me . 

As I try to sleep . 

If Everything Came True

If I had my way . Although I know I have to wait to see Gods plans but if I had my way this is what I dream every day . But you never know God could have a better life or maybe just a whole different life planned so it really does not matter what Amy wants but I still hope for it so here it goes

I wish I had Paige Hathaway’s body. I work hard but she literally works out 2 hours a day I need money to have my job to train all day. So next goal is more money. Secondly I dream of writing the rest of the day at the book store at sea port village this takes money too . So far I need a lot more money. Thirdly I wish I lived near the ocean I just need more money. Fourthly I wish my ex boyfriend was in the process of changing his life and at any moment he will show up changed and we will live happily ever after. That takes a miracle . So far we need lots of money and God,

Fifth goal long romantic road trips to the mountains listening to punk rock music not country
Yes I’m the coolest and one day of my ex does not return I pray he realizes he’s an idiot. And I find MR right someday and we will go to the mountains and I will look some what like Paige Hathaway and hopefully I’m not to old and I will cry thanking God for answering my prayer

As for now I’m laying in bed working on my body and my money wondering how to make this real

The Contents of Lack

The words ring loud as my son tells me mom you just love shitty people as he hangs up the phone. It’s Saturday morning I’m an hour early for work so I’m writing what I’ve been thinking all week. It’s not about loving shitty people. I watched a video a few nights ago about being attracted to situations that are in lack. So you are dating this hot guy and it’s great and all the sudden they are lacking in attention or they are emotionally abusive or whatever the case is you should leave the situation immediately because nothing about this person or situation should be attractive to you. You stay with lack. You long for it to change thru say they love you, but love is not lack or longing. 

What is it in me that is attracted to the situation of lack. I stayed in lack. I loved someone and still do in lack. But I will never be in a situation again in lack. Be it him or anyone I realize now what love means and it’s healthy and what healthy is I’m no longer wanting lack. Crowd please applaud. I thought I lacked in beauty in everything I didn’t see my own value. So I let myself become a door mat. 

Who could respect this? I’m one to be respected because I’m not lack? My friend told me I could chew someone up and spit them out.I loved that! Because I’m no longer lack. I do believe God can change lives and paths I would be lying if I didn’t say I didn’t pray this for my ex every day. But today and In my future I’m not lack. 

I’m writing this to encourage you to not desire lack. I’m not dating because I need to heal all the wounds that caused me to be in lack. I don’t care what people think God has me in a holding place of healing. 

It’s more important to heal and become whole and to learn my value then to ever fall into lack again. I hope this may of helped anyone out there!!!!!! 

Love is appreciation , truth , loyalty , honor , not lack . 

Remember this . You shouldn’t have to long for someone to be those things that’s lack. We are valuable and deserve love. 

No One

If I win the war why am I silent 

If I made it why are there stitches in my chest 

If I’m the beloved why is my gun empty 

I’m lost in the desert 

We are the only ones left 

Aren’t we ? 

I’m the one aren’t I ? 

They say I’m tangled 

As I run away from your accident 

It’s like I’m fine leaving the scene of this crime 

They ask if I’m alright 

I think I’m in shock 

As they report it on the news tonight 

Yeah it’s that kind of story 

Right ? 

I couldn’t  explain it if I tried . 

I’m like the tomb raider in this ordinary life 

No one could ever know what it was like 

The strife . 

It’s like the twisted metal of the wreckage is my life 

But hold on I’ll brush off my knees 

Wash off the tears 

Hide the make up smeared across my face 

Because I’m just fine ...... 

You say you get it 

No one gets it . 

I’m a different breed 

I’m branded . 

I’ve been in a different story 

The kind you see in those movies . 

I try to live this normal life 

But then the memories hit me . 

I’m a modern day super hero

My nights aren’t coffee and tea 

My gun is empty 

I’m healing 

You almost destroyed me . 

Not Entirely Sure

In this day in age I’m really feeling good about hibernation mode and healing let me tell you being in safety mode is ok . I’m healing from someone who lied to me and trust me the world out there is full of really bad people I’m telling everyone to be guarded and it’s perfectly ok to do so . God said Amy don’t date . I’m listening intently why ? Because when you don’t listen you fall into the wrong hands. Trust me. I’m healing I’m in the right place right now . I don’t know what God’s plan is but I’m not listening to anyone but God and I’m being patient .

God says to cling on to what is good and to get rid of the rest . I had a friend tell me lying does not define a person . He is no longer my friend. Always look at the fruit of people’s actions and cut them accordingly and live by Gods will and he will bless you

Asleep

Im taking my last breath 

They say some dreams aren’t meant to last 

I can’t stitch all these wounds 

As I collect the tears as I’m alone in this room 

They say love last forever 

Then why did you say good bye in that letter 

I beg to differ . 

Because now there’s nothing left to decipher 

If you want to know the truth 

I’m left in this prison 

Of the pain you left me in . 

I scream alone 

No one sees me crying . 

I’m dying 

What does the last breath sound like 

The last letter signed 

Here’s a stamp 

Thank you for your time 

As we watched the sun rise 

Did you forget how you fell asleep on me every night . 

Now I’m left with your name on my side . 

They say dreams are meant to last

Left with the Braille of your lost finger prints 

This is my letter to you 

As I close my eyes 

One last time 

I can never stitch the wounds 

Left behind 

What does the last breath sound like 

As we lose our hands in the crowd . 

The Big Switch

As I get closer to my goal I decided to start a Instagram solely to my fit journey. My friend told me over time it’s a good way to build followers and get paid sponsers as a woman. I’m
Working on building a net work to help others on their journey. I want to grow and heal as a community. Please follow my fit blog and my Instagram AmyEverettfit. I recently hired a trainer to help me get to my goal 10-12 % body fat . I just can’t lift that heavy on my own. I’m proud of how far I’ve come , proud of where I’m going. I know this journey has been nothing but emotional and hard and it will continue to be . I’m sad at my losses this year so I’m fighting for what I can control that is a better me. The best me I can be . And let God handle the rest .