It’s crazy to me that I cried every day for 8 months over my love because I believed in us with all my heart and soul to find out in one evening he never cared or loved me my mind can’t process it
How did I get it so wrong ? Today I wake up a new day and try to erase this aweful person from
My memory . What he had done is so painful . I will try to walk upright and believe and hope in whatever future God has for me . I didn’t deserve this and I can’t make it better . They say your healed when you can tell your story with out crying . I’m not sure how to get to that point but I will move forward like a warrior . Maybe we get mountains to show others they can be moved . To help others . But right now no one has loved me at all it’s my job to love myself and heal
And to find joy in the path God guides me in . Here we go another chapter . Let’s get through this the year is almost over let’s make it count !
It’s 1 am . I was woken up I’m quite upset I have gym early , I decided to write about the things I love .Since I don’t really matter to anyone I’ll write about what matters to me :
I love tiramisu cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory and fresh sushi I also love punk music because it’s music for the soul it’s genuine like me
I also believe in no regrets . I love the lord he def watches over me closely
I love my kids . I love how my daughter wakes me in the middle of the night to
Say she loves me . I love the hope we have in God helps me to face every new day . I love road trips and traveling
Most of all I love old book stores and the smell of coffee in winter . I love winter and cold weather . I love the ocean it’s my peace but I love lake arrowhead to it’s romantic .
I wish someone had loved me for all these things I am a writer I love being a free thinker . I love that I’m wise when I need to be . I love I’m a hard worker and a good mother .
I love flowers , I wish I had new ones every day . I love interesting people and I love my friends . They are there for me. I love running and excersise I love cars . I love that I’m strong and free willed. I love that God has set me apart . I love tattoos and museums and art . I love the smell of garlic and butter in a loving home .i love accomplishing goals .
This is me . No one has noticed because I’ve given all my heart and gotten none in return .
Now that I’m alone sitting at Barnes and Nobles , I’m just a girl and her pen
I feel like it’s sad I’m 40. I’ve never had forever love . I thought I did but the other person didn’t feel it so what do you do with disappointment . Maybe I’m meant to travel the world alone .
I can’t imagine my life any other way now . I’m 40 I had my future planned it fell through I’m broken and exhausted
What does a girl like me do ? Keep crushing goals ? Keep putting one foot in front of the other until I’m ok ?
But when will it be ok ? Do I accept it adjust to it ? Adapt ? Finding joy with out your partner who you wanted to share your life with is a big adjustment
But maybe I’ll find my footing on my own . 40 never really been loved
Recently I got my heart ripped to shreds by one person . My heart is to big and to trusting as people play games with my heart . It’s appalling to me I’m a good person . I feel like I’ll never date again . You think you found the one and they are evil to you ? So I have a list for anyone who is dating of how to be more careful .
A. Loves the lord and walks the walk
This right here should weed out most bad seeds or give you a better shot
B. For me maturity . Speaks for its self
C. Intelligence . I’m very smart pretty successful . I need you to keep me on my toes spiritually and intellectually .
D. Fashion - neat and tidy good dressing is important
It’s Tuesdsy , God has been blessing me like crazy because I gave my life to him and follow him . I follow God every day . The only person I account to is God . God tells me everything and shows me everything . If someone has bad character and low morals God shows me . I’m a strong single parent who has taken care of two kids basically by myself . I pretty much have them full time . It’s funny when your walking with God and your a morally good person people try to tear you down . Tell you your on the wrong path or a bad example ? It’s amazing to me . People try to tear you down or control you and it’s the enemy . God has been blessing me with miracle after miracle and given joy to me and everyone around me . To wear my best friend told me I had a direct channel from God . So how bad of a person am I ? I’m on the right path not because I’m perfect but because I’m following Jesus . People want you to follow there ideas of you but the only person I listen to is Jesus . When your finally doing good Satan will tear you down . I have integrity and morals . I’ve needed a man to feel complete . If I love someone I love them with integrity and character . So if someone wants to attack me tell me I’m a bad person for getting tattoos or losing weight they can kiss off !
I earned the right to be happy . So kiss my booty . This is new me 2018 I’m proud of who I am how far I’ve come . And all the stalkers and news reporters that like to gossip
About me , well I feel sorry for you . That I take up any part of your day is pathetic . Put that energy into yourself . Go to the gym find your happiness . Because only miserable people try to tear others down .
Sometimes life throws you a strong fast curve ball , hits you right in the face . It shatters you takes you by surprise but no matter what it can’t be taken back or fixed . We wonder if we can ever heal from it . We wonder what we ever did to deserve it . There’s never an answer . We did our best gave our hearts and here it came anyway . Life isn’t fair . Maybe the endless love I believe in really just does not exist for me after all . I’m 40 and alone and because of the curve ball I’m going to stay this way .
You can’t do much when your face is bleeding anyway . And all the love I gave was tossed away .
It’s shocking being shattered . All I can do now is pray I turn out ok .
I’m listening to the Used On My Own . It’s my day off I’m laying in bed . I wanted to talk about forgiveness true forgiveness . It’s hard forgiving someone with no conscience . You think how can they not care about your heart or how it feels or how could they lie or let you down in such a big way . All your love and thoughts and feelings never mattered . It’s a lot of pain . You really hate this person because you loved them so much . You ask how can any one do so much evil against you ?
God says in the end times man will have no conscience of right or wrong .
If someone is walking with God and has a relationship with him , how can they hurt you ? Well it’s easy they don’t , of course everyone makes mistakes as Christians , but if we love God and are walking with him , you have Gods love compassion and truth
Satan comes to destroy us . And the enemy will hurt you . Using people to hurt you in any way . We have to see the enemy for what he is doing to the persons life and ours , we have to pray for there path and pray we can forgive but move on. These people who don’t care about your well being are not for you . We are not meant to give love and be treated so wrong .
We deserve it back . Forgiveness I need to work on today . But I pray God heals the great creator of pain that was left in the wake .
This is a new journey . Don’t let Satan destroy you .
I am anointed said my mentor who prayed for me . God has anointed you she said . No more violence within your borders . Sounded awesome what did it mean ? In laments terms it means Gods got my back . So much so people at my work claim I have a direct channel to God . Well I hope so . I pray for answers God gets them to me . If someone is shady I don’t have to worry God shows me . If I need sales God sends them . Whatever it is God is there . Thank you God ! This week has been the hardest but I’m standing because I know I’m anointed . Things did not go my way this week God is saying Amy go this way instead . I need to know my worth and my value and know God has a life of special for me ! Not of pain . Thank you God for being my savior !
Sitting at Barnes and Noble on my lunch has become quite a great thing to clear my head if you are in sales you will know what I mean . Sales is like horse races to me . You keep your side blinders on so you can only see ahead to your finish line even though the people next to you in the race will try to do anything to take you down when your winning . It’s easy to lose focus . But you have to keep going if you weren’t winning you wouldn’t be there target . Don’t engage . The more they focus on trying to bring me down the more they are not focusing on there job and that makes me stronger . Also through God I am anointed . And no weapon formed against me shall prosper so whom shall I fear ? No one . No one can stop Gods will . So if your having a hard time with anything keep your eyes on the finish line don’t lose focus and remember you will
Win .
In my life my past life , maybe ummmm ... 5 years and back I was in so many relationships that just didn’t work out . I wasn’t sure why ? I wanted to write this blog because I found a sure fire answer . If you follow it you’ll get closer to success . It wasn’t until a little over a year ago my friend Katie showed me a Christian video . A pretty girl talking about how you can’t find a good Christian husband until you become a good Christian wife and when you date - date your husband . Would you settle for such and such if this man was your husband or would you leave ? Wow big realization right ? Or would you date this girl if she was your wife ?
I dated guys who were just cute but had nothing I would want in a long term and end up getting hurt when it didn’t work out . Because I put time and energy into the wrong situation . Would God want you to be with someone selfish ? Or mean or a player or an addict or anyone who didnt put God first?Thats a big no . We settle right . So if you have red flags it’s probably not what god is calling you to God loves us he does not want you to get hurt . So date your husband or date your wife other wise your asking for heart ache . Be wise . Satan wants us to hurt . Be on guard you have value . Pray first god always gives answers ,
So re evaluate . God says no other idols come before him . You can’t serve to masters . If someone says they are serving God but live differently they are lying . God says you will know them by there fruit . There actions !!!!!! Love , kindness , tenderness , joy , forgiveness the list goes on . And your welcome
As I walk through the mall searching for sandles for Raigan my mouth is in pain because I had my lips done today . What is it like to be the girl on Instagram I follow ? Will I feel more accepted by the ones I love ? Or did I want acceptance from my only love ? Or do I just want to feel pretty like those girls on the internet and maybe it’s all the above . I learned being pretty may make you feel good but it has nothing to do with love . My beauty whether I have it or it’s lacking can’t make the blind see or save anyone . I can’t make anyone go to heaven or be closer to God or see things . No amount of muscles will change anything . I realized today this is what giving it to God means . It’s outside of all my control . All my love on a silver platter won’t change it . Only God can . And as long as I try I will just get hurt .
So God here’s to you and me letting you guide me into what is right in you .
I have to come up with Alice lines for my Alice and wonderland sleeve so I’m going to write a series of poems this month to draw from need to find some dark inspiring music : cold play isn’t cutting it .... what is dark that really gets you under the soul .. hmmmmm
Alice don’t lose your head
It’s the glossy pages of magazines
You live in .
It’s the testimony of your switch blade heart that every one managed to want broken .
You gave your fingers clutching old notes
Filled with bottles and tears
Where was every dream
Where were those stars .
The night was dressed in black
She didn’t let them see her cry
She was stronger than that .
And you built me a castle made of empty promises and regrets
I posted the way a few days ago from my blog and this is part 2. If you have not read it please do . I have time to put some real thought into this I’m off today . I just got home from the gym and I’m playing sounds of rain . A year ago approx . I had a great job in marketing . I quit MOR Futniture and I had fallen a little behind finding a new job . I had to quit gym , and lose a lot of things I loved . But the job treated its employees bad I had to go . I started a new job and was trying to get things back on track I was depressed I gained weight , and was behind on bills . After a few months at my new job I left long story . Once again no job . Things declined fast . I didn’t feel like myself and I lost my car . This was just the beginning of my year . I fell into a deep depression . I was embarrassed to leave my house . No money for anything . What happened God ? I would pray . Things only got darker . I’m a sink or swim type of girl I been a fighter my whole life but I felt like giving up . On top of that I was in a failing relationship and I was trying my hardest to save that .
God help me !! No answer . I found a job at a mattress store . It paid some bills but things were still bad . In the midst of it me and my boyfriend broke up and I just had enough with life . I mean wouldn’t you ?
I was praying one day in my car as I sat outside my mattress job I told God please get me out of here and to help me I refused to live my life like this any longer I would do whatever God led me to do .
He told me to call Jerome’s and I did . I had a job a few weeks later . I just wanted Gods will to help me what did I need to do . God said lay down eveything to me and trust me . Well I wanted my boyfriend back , I wanted my body back my finances and I wanted whatever God wanted for me .
So I had one list of things I prayed for every day . I told God to lead my life and to bless me where he wanted me to go and I will go . I started praying with my old friend . She told me God will bless me and these hard times would come to an end . I just needed to believe God loved me and that he wanted to bless me. This was hard . I felt like God never cared .
This is where it became really hard . But I had to give my troubles to him and know that I can walk on water , go through any hard times with out drowning because he will not let me sink if I gave it to him . I was trying to save my relationship with my love not Gods it was exhausting and painful . I was spending all my time worrying instead of letting a bigger God fix things knowing he will show up when I need him .
I am now making 5 times the money I made before . I am blessed with great friends . I lost over 40 pounds , I have peace when bad things happen because I know God is in control not Amy . I seek God’s will first . If it does not honor God I’m not apart of it . I’m more calm more at peace have more joy more mercy . When I need answers I pray and God answers you guys every time . If I need sales I pray god sends them . If I need the impossible God makes it possible . If something I want does not come I know it’s not Gods will . I’m ok . God is in control .
You have to give everything to God . Everything you guys . Hurts , decisions , eveything . Without God your on the wrong path .
With God you will live a life of blessings and peace and things will happen . Sometimes if it does not happen right away it could mean not today but in the future keep praying !!!
God does miracles !! He’s done hundreds for me I swear !!!
I wish I could tell the whole story in this one blog but that is what my book is for I’m writing this to share with everyone . Because , a few months ago I was drowning literally , in no way was I making it . I was not just going through a rough time if I wasn’t in the break room rushing this I might give more detail. But I was at a point in my life where I literally on my 40th birthday May 21 I had to pull my car over because I was crying so hard I threw up . My soul was broken . I cried out to God I told him I was sinking I was drowning in pain . I promise a minute later a song came on the radio called oceans by hillsong . It’s about letting go of it all and trusting God . I didn’t know how to let go because what was causing me pain I loved . How do we let go of something we love ? It could be a person an addiction , could be a painful past you can’t face . Letting go meant giving the pain to God and entrusting him to handle it not me . I had bondage and it was a huge burden of pain . How god how do I leave it in this boat ? He said leave it and walk on this water I won’t let you sink . Holy cow I cried through this every day . I also saw my mentor who prayed over me spoke truth in my life .
Slowly I began to see God do miracles in my life every day . Big ones and impossible ones . I have to clock in for work but I learned how to have peace and joy through Storms . I learned how to let god guide me and let him fix the rest !
If you have pain do these things . Get prayer read the Bible it’s hard but it will change eveything !
I know God will fix it all and he is
Sometimes all the love and time you give gets served back to you with a big fuck you . Your not sure how you got here as I stare at my bulldog and wonder why the fuck this happens . But actually this has never happened to me . My exes write me even from years back . Rooting me on . They weren’t the one I never loved them . Excuse my language I might not publish this , but I’m mad maybe not mad but I just feel wasted . God is blessing me . Every prayer like a miracle has been answered I’m not letting tonight make me second guess the path God has been speaking to me about for a year . I’m not crazy it’s not ideas there not in my head . God told me . The enemy tries to hurt me and I’m hurting but there is Gods plan .
Holy cow if I could list the miracles . Sometimes my life is like the three stooges in Spanish and I’m left wondering and scratching my head thinking really ? Did this just happen God ? And why ? I have to follow God’s will . I have to . I have to be a good mom and protect myself as well . God will handle the rest . The Bible says god will perfect what is meant for in our life . So if it’s meant for us God will make it ok . I can’t and don’t have to .
Sometimes things get messed up , but I have to trust God’s will . I’m ending this blog and starting a new one on word press I think it’s called . I’m rewriting my book .
Writing is a healthy way to communicate .im glad I’m loving and giving and say how I feel I’m not crazy or mean or play games . I’m proud of who I am . It’s how I reach 20k readers on my blog and have met my dearest friends . And anyone who loves me would love thst about me it’s who I am . I’m
A writer . It’s not a crutch or a hobby it’s me .
It’s 6:30 am . I just got out of the shower . I wish I could tell
You how much I’ve learned from my mentor . I’ve been a Christian my whole life and never had a true example of love . I didn’t know love or what my worth was . I had no idea I was walking with out real faith . I thought I was fine . Until my mentor spoke the truth of the Bible Gods word into my life things I never paid attention to . I began to learn and God began to show me . Loving yourself was loving myself because God loved me no matter what with his love and mercy . I don’t need to be perfect to have peace or joy . I was hurting and it was easy for anyone to make me angry or sad because my foundation was not on God it was on the world and the lies I believed .
I thought my relationship with God was good but it was the opposite . God says he gives us peace passes all understanding . How could I get this ? I had no clue . I had to stop focusing my pain on others and give it to god . I see people who take stuff to feel better about who they are or they get angry , they say there relationship great with god . God says you know them by there fruit . What’s inside comes to the outside . So are you hurting ? Is there things you can’t let go of ? Trust me I had to do it , it took months of crying and healing . Praying . It’s hard . And forgiving . But no matter what you have to put old ways aside and have a soft heart . You won’t be angry or need anything to feel better . Your identity will be in God . Not in your pain . It’s easy to see it from the outside just like my mentor saw it in me . Find someone to pray for you . God is good . I’m ok because I know he is in control and thank god I no longer need to try to control anything ! God has eveything .
I was going to take a break for 30 days but instead I’m taking a turn . God has blessed me like crazy these past few months so instead I will write of the miracles and how you can get them too ! I’ve had a rough year I had to turn to God 100% that was hard I didn’t know what real love was or how much God loved me . Maybe I didn’t see it or believe it to much bad had happened to me . Where was God ? I found a Christian mentor and began to get prayer and counsel weekly . She told me god loved me and he had a plan but I didn’t believe it , I wanted to . She kept praying over me and speaking truth in my life it was not til then I realized the lies I was told and believed . She told me god was going to bless me and use me and I was loved. I began to pray with more faith with every prayer god began to answer showing me he was there . Like big prayers miracles . I would think one might be a coincidence but this has become weekly sometimes daily . I would pray for a certain amount in sales I prayed for 15k and god said , do you not believe in my miracles ? I’m like , ok God let’s see an hour later I did 18k ! It happens a lot . With so many things . You have to seek God first and only God not the ones who hurt us , not the world , just God . God is good . I been so sad and depressed so much bad has happened but God is blessing me left and right saying don’t worry I got you just follow me !
If your in a hard place find a mentor in church get prayer weekly. Read your bible and pray and listen
God answers ! I’m going to write about miracles and Gods good grace . If you need help
Ask ! I want you to know God’s love to.
I was a great girlfriend . I wondered what I did wrong . I spent months trying to be as beautiful as possible for when he was better , I wanted him to be proud of me as I was proud of him . I thought of us like Carey Heart and Pink . The pretty couple who got through it all because of love . How on earth does someone fight for you so hard and then leave in a moment . I guess it happens all the time right . Husbands leave there wives , these things happen I guess . I never thought it would ever happen to us . As I climbed in my car on my lunch I heard our song he gave me Never let go . Fuck me . Today I sold 12k amazing when I felt like I been punched in the soul . I can’t be a victim anymore not that I was . It’s just I been waiting for him . Loyal to my love all this time because he asked me a million times to not let go . I believe in true love . I know it was real maybe it’s buried in his anger and confusion . God was right only God can reach him not me . I can love him with every ounce but it’s not my love he needs right now .
The song shattered I listen to god said we reject his love when we’re broken . I rejected gods love without even knowing it because I was broken . My ex rejects mine to . That’s ok . I was there but I can’t wait anymore . He let me go . It’s now in gods hands and actually always has been .
God told me not to worry . I’ll work on forgiveness . Give this pain to god . As I cried in the car today I realized I needed to give this to god too .
In pain and forgiveness we walk forward in Gods army .
I lived the past year believing in one thing a love . To find out it was not real . I don’t have words who would ? I don’t think this kind of thing is logical . So all I can do is nothing . Take a long long break from writing and human existence it’s self . How will I ever trust anyone . I’m not even dating nor will I ever . But this ruins my faith in man kind . I learned to love for real from this person then I learned it was not real ? I can’t even think of a lesson I can learn from this . Except it’s his issues because no one in life loves and then does not so deeply . Love is a choice . If we chose to love someone because of the value and love they give it’s not just gone . Something is very wrong and something is a lie . My counselor told me tonight Satan is the author of confusion. . Not the lord . If god was involved we wouldn’t of had such a weird conversation .
So what do I do ? Nothing . Keep praying and moving forward . God is in control of my life every time I pray God shows up . Last night I cried and begged God for an answer on this situation I loved my ex so much I couldn’t take it any more .
God gave me my answer on a silver platter . I just keep thinking of the amazing movie I can only imagine and how it taught me that God can do any miracles .
What a life changer . But my life is in God’s hands . I deserve to be loved the way I love and be valued for all the love I have to give . God is so good in these storms . And nothing makes sense right now and I’m broken and I’m barely walking . But one foot in front of the other and pray for miracles and the will to forgive those who are lost and hurt us .
So I’m leaving my blog for 30 days to focus on healing .
I’m at Barnes and Nobles on my lunch . I came to clear my head . Book stores have a way with me . Today I was told I was hot by my co workers , funny how those words go in one ear and out the other and how we only believe the lies we tell ourselves because according to my head I’m just one invisible girl facing the world alone . I mean my boyfriend even left me with no explanation my love my life does pain get worse than this and I follow the cord deep to the pit of my stomach . Where I find my self worth and I feel sick . How does anyone betray someone on this level? My friend messaged me this morning an old friend who asked me if I was vain I was laughing inside as I mentioned the cord in my head here we go . Vain ? I struggle with my self esteem and just looking in a mirror and blaming my self and my looks for being dumped . As the status quo goes even if this isn’t true I seek refuge in loving myself to rid these negative thoughts it’s called learning to love myself not vanity this guy is an idiot . My journey to self love has made me strong and healthy . I’m sure if my love ever came back he would be healing with an apology and answers . If he does not then it’s not Gods will either way my journey is not about vanity it’s about loving me . And that will make me more loving strong and more happy .
It’s funny I think of his insult . As my friend Cindy at work told me men stare at me I would never notice because I’m not vain and it’s not the attention I’m looking for .
If your on a journey of self love don’t let anyone bring you down keep going
God reminded me today in my prayer time that I walk in his power and love ! Who can hurt me ?
No one . Follow his will and his purpose will happen for good !
If you follow my blog then you will know these past months have been the storm of my life and I knew I was to drowned and there was no doubt about that ! I was alone and there was no one to save me . Then God called me out and said trust me . I pretty much couldn’t it was hard but I had no choice my boat was sinking and he was offering a life vest so here we are . I’ve been documenting the miracles sense . These aren’t no regular miracles these are God miracles and he is showing me is here and in control of my life . I can say I didn’t think I would make it and some days I still don’t then God comes through and he wows me . Yesterday morning I prayed in my car as I always do , I pray every day for my ex boyfriend that he is ok , and I pray for my kids and work . I prayed to God that I needed 14k to make my next paycheck a decent one . I only had 3 days to do so . It’s been very dead at work . I went to work by 5 pm I had in 5 grand not bad but not good . Then I had 2 ladies come in and there sale totaled 14k ! Amen !!! I made it ! Gods will !
It’s amazing right . This was no coincidence. God said Amy walk in my power and don’t forget my promises . God heals and God is good and mighty . You just have to listen and seek him first . I didn’t think God loved me . But I was wrong .
I know God will do anything for me . I know more miracles will come in his time . So when I’m sad I just pray because I know God hears me . How cool is that .
It’s 10:10 pm I just got home from work I’m listening to a country song I hate country but it reminds me of my ex . It’s called Simple so I’ll put it on repeat while I type . I started a running regimen 7 days a week . I’m pretending I’m training for a marathon . It gets me out there and it’s helping my heart rate get lower . It makes me feel good too . Stronger in a way . Today I was told I was going to be put in the management program and I made a bonus for such high sales only 2 people in 8 years ever made it . I was so happy at first I hugged my manager and screamed praise Jesus ! He laughed and told me great job . My life is so blessed yet I’m laying in bed so sad . I miss you . My heart hurts and breaks every day . The senseless crime of you leaving me . Our love was so big and in my heart it still is .
My life God is blessing like Crazy . But I’m here crying . It sucks so bad . I was trying to think of harder times but I can’t think of anyone I cried for , for so long . There’s a hole in my chest .
I’m here alone with no one to tell my good news . I wish you were here to tell .
I’m on this journey alone . I drove home and prayed thanking God for my blessings
I have to get up early for the gym . Not sure what the end of my life will look like all I know is today
And now I’ll fall asleep listening to this song .
Maybe if I was Alcapone and not Alice I could maybe wear a gun on my sleeve and maybe pretend I don’t have to feel a thing but instead Alice shares her heart to her own devices and it serves her morning under coffee and prayers that maybe he’ll find me here . Jesus tells me to be strong and I suck back the tears on my morning drives and I think I can’t get through this .
Maybe we can smoke our cigars God and I know you got this - but it does not make today’s pain better so I’ll pretend for a moment that Alice has a gun and we are soldiers .
Just for a moment because maybe we are soldiers and maybe we are brave .
As we fall effortlessly down the rabbit holes . Scraping our knees all the way down , looking up for your hands to grasp for us once again .
And we wait ..... God said - girl it’s a journey . So I put on my Al Capone face but I’ll tell you it isn’t working as tears fall . But I’m a soldier said - Alice .
So tonight is awesome . It’s 100 degrees at 9:30 pm stranded in corona with a flat tire no air and a dying phone . Heart rate a solid 100 and I was supposed to go running and watch a movie with Raigan now I may get mugged or something . So awesome . This sucks and it’s hot . Oh my god I hate the summer . And where is my sugar free ice cream .... hopefully someone saves me .
Every morning I leave for work . I put in punk music and then a heavy sadness and the reminder of him being gone starts to erode my morning . It’s a dark fog I can’t escape . How can I ? He is my love and he’s gone . I drive every morning this way for months now . I listen to music as tears stream down my face . I decided to make it my prayer time . It’s the kind of sadness that can take you down you know what I mean . Such a big loss you can’t stomach it . So I decided to pray .
On my morning drives sometimes I weep , sometimes I question God , sometimes I beg God and sometimes I tell God I’m giving up . This is my reality . I’m sharing this with you because in my sorrow God has been teaching me something .
Every time I get to the point where I’m so upset I can’t take it . Like I just can’t anymore . God reminds me of his miracles he can do in my life and what he is doing in my life . He shows me not to give up hope .
He also tells me to walk in his power . I mean that’s pretty strong . I walk like I’m strong but it’s fake . I’m so sad it’s not even funny and no one knows or understands . Do you know what it’s like to abruptly lose the love of your life ?
I’m sure I’m not alone . But no one can stop the pain . So here God is telling me to walk in “ His “ power . Wow .
God is almighty . There is nothing God can’t do . In God’s power I can find joy in my sorrow because God will bring me a future of hope . God will work all this out . He will provide and be there for me and Raigan .
God has the power to change all our lives . My love could be back in the future if it’s Gods will . These things I don’t know . All I know is I have to trust God in whatever happens .
I dream about my future now . Dream about what it could be . God Is blessing us in so many ways even though I carry so much sorrow .
But I’m holding Gods hand through this valley of hell im walking through
I never thought in my life I could be so broken hearted . Or could have gone through so much . I don’t deserve it , I don’t understand it . But God is working I know this . That’s all I have right now to get me day to day honestly .
I encourage anyone going through hard times to ask God to speak to you and he will . He will show you the way
Now if only this terrible weather would go away . Good night everyone .
This blog will take a big turn so bare with me it’s nothing what it seems in the beginning to where I’m going in it’s ending . I’ve had a hard time with the whole you got to love yourself Amy concept . If I told you how bad it was you would never believe how deep self hatred could run . I used to not be able to even walk into a store because I felt I was to ugly . I’m serious . I thought people in the mall looked at me because of my ugliness and every laugh was at my disgust . I would leave immediately and drive off in my car . As a young girl I started at the gym with trainers thousands of dollars hours and hours at the gym on Friday nights it was never good enough . I started taking laxatives and meth to be better . I was so thin but still I thought I was so fat . I went to have Lipo suction the doctor told me I was crazy I ordered him to do it any way . It runined my body for life it left me with lines on my legs that resemble cellulite because I had no fat it ruined my body . I was only 23 years old . Sadly I almost died in my eating disorders . I realized God had more for me . I stopped what I was doing and just went to the gym . It caused me to gain weight . No drugs no laxatives , my body was in shock .
After a few years I was able to get back to where I was but after a baby you go back and forth but you get the picture . Now at 40 the self hate is still there . I here it all the time - Amy get confident . I laugh I don’t even know what that means or where to start . God says I’m beautiful I’m his princess but how do I receive that ?
I had a boyfriend who told me I wasn’t pretty enough . It made sense to me because I hated myself I needed to be perfect a model to be loved right ????? Well the lies I told myself said so . But it was dead wrong ! So was he . I look around at couples they aren’t Instagram models and they are crazy for each other . I think about all the loving things I did for my boyfriend he was damn lucky to have me ?!!! So what’s going on ?
Then it hit me . Value . I saw a quote 2 days ago that said love yourself like you want your soul mate to love you . Wow ! Now I get it . I wanted my boyfriend to love me , value me , make me feel beautiful , special , unique . Here I am telling myself I’m ugly , worthless , and invisible .
Boy oh boy . Not really the message of love at all . It’s not how God loves us . Not how my boyfriend should love me either .
Even though I still spend countless hours in the gym , it’s because I want to feel good but I don’t care what people think . Because I have value . I’m a great friend , I was an amazing girlfriend I’m a good mom . Even though I struggle with what I tell myself still and looking at a mirror I’ll remind myself to love me the way I want my soul mate too .
I was swallowed by a checkered sea
No one could save me
It said drink me - Alice .
He kissed me so innocently
As I fell far down the rabbit hole
And consiquently it’s where I lost my direction
Upside down
Into paintings and into ceilings
That’s what love does .
The kind that’s made of things that are real
The rabbit can’t even tell time , you know
His watch is broken
He’s my best friend
He says Alice - time can’t erase it
Erase what , rabbit .
Love - he said .
Alice pauses for a while .
She can’t escape
The ceilings are sidewalks
Windows are sky’s , in a world full of masks
And misunderstanding
Alice drinks her tea
She finds hope behind a glass door
Well make it .
As the rabbit taps his watch
Alice says she must keep moving
Hides her tears in a box
Between words and broken letters
Trying to find her way back to home
And the rabbit asked - do you know where home is
Alice ?
Yes Alice says .
I wrote a blog on this years ago . Today’s society is beauty obsessed but let’s get real it’s fake . If you follow any big cosmetology plastic surgery every swim suit model , play boy even fitness model is doing fat sucking , fat lasering , face implants , nose jobs , lip implants . So our little girls are upping the bar to look like only what money can’t buy and men are watching porn obsessing over coc addict girls trying to be as thin as possible it’s just not reality . Of course being the best you can be is the best way in a healthy way . I’m a victim to of scociety at best . Surgery , Botox , drugs , eating disorders to be accepted . I’ve almost killed my self to be loved and to simply love myself . Technology is making us naracasist . Lovers of what’s on the outside and so many of these people have no character no depth no love , we need to focus on our own unique beauty . So someone can love you for you not because you look like every other girl on Instagram . And fuck them if they don’t you have so much to offer !!! Let’s not teach our daughters to devalue themselves . They are enough !!!!
This week I found myself coming down with a cold . At first I fought through it , I went to the gym tired and sick even though I was sick and tired - and tired and sick . I spend every moment counting calories and measuring my body I couldn’t miss gym time . Then it hit me like a ton of bricks I was dearthly ill and I missed the gym . The week before I was going twice a day . Now I missed I ran my body down I’m sure . 12 hour shifts and the gym and no nutrients my body said eff you Amy ! I called in sick to work after being up all night sicker then I’ve ever been and rushed to 24 hour urgent care . I couldn’t afford Raigan to get sick or miss any more gym or work ! For God’s sakes I’m gaining weight by the minute and losing money here ! Lol . The doctor said I may have pneumonia and he would write me out of work for 5 days ! I said please don’t do he wrote me out for 2 and I still went to work today . Barely making it but I’m a soldier and I sold 5k. Yesterday was surreal I spent the whole day sleeping and eating carbs it was like a day of heaven . I felt so guilty but I measured myself this morning I lost half inch off my waste I guess because I’m so sick . But hey one day of sleeping and eating a casadilla won’t kill anyone but it felt good . Today I feel better .
Tomorrow is my gym day I probably shouldn’t go . But I might . But what I learned is maybe just maybe it’s ok to not be so hard on yourself once in a while and taking a break is ok .
It’s late I just got home from work . I need to rest . But at least I burned 2500 calories at work today so it’s not a total loss . Sad I had to get sick to slow down . But next week we will be back on track again !!!
My advice is - take a break even if it’s for a day we all deserve it !
Today I’m going to talk about relationships, and the social media age and how it’s affecting so many relationships.
I dated a guy before Tommy who was addicted to stalking girls on social media. While he was dating me (and supposedly only me) he messaged tons of other girls on Instagram, using his “status” to try to get them to meet up with him. One time I caught him messaging a girl on Twitter when I activated his old phone. How did I get to that point? (I’ll get there) Was that right? Probably not, but after you’ve been through it so many times (as I had at that point) and you start to get that suspicious feeling, you kind of have to itch the scratch, even if you know it’s gonna hurt. I wish that one time that I checked his stuff, I never found anything, but every time I looked, there was something. It was awful. It made me feel not good enough for anyone, unlovable…it made me feel a sadness within myself that I’ve never felt before. Why wasn’t I enough? It took me a VERY long time to realize that it was his problem, not mine. After talking with other exes of his I found out this was just a pattern. But the damage was done. I became an insecure girl.
See, before that relationship I had never been cheated on, never been hurt; never dated someone who would hurt me. So it was such a shock to me to go through this. To become that insecure girl who had to check up on her boyfriend. It all started with me seeing what girls he was following. There were some “Instagram models” but I let that go. I let that go until one day I saw his dms. And saw he was messaging so many of them, blatantly hitting on them. I lost myself. I became this crazy, insecure, broken woman. I didn’t get why he didn’t just dump me? Security I suppose? If there are any guys out there reading this, and you’re doing that shit to a girl right now, just do her a favor and break up with her. No girl needs to deal with that
Now I’m only sharing that because I want to tell you how great my relationship is now, and how most relationships should be in this day and age if they want to survive this social media influenced world.
So here’s what we do- When I first started dating Tommy, obviously I was worried because he had this “bad boy” reputation. Everyone told me a guy like him would break my heart. So I went into the relationship very cautiously. I was worried about other girls, I was already scathed from my previous relationship and didn’t trust any guy. I would see girls text him, but he was very open about it. He told me straight out in the beginning that he was seeing other people. I understood because we had just met. Then after a week or so he decided he just wanted to see me. I told him everything I had been through before and that I couldn’t go through that again. And then he did something amazing, he took my thumb, and put it on his phone and said, “you can look at my phone whenever you want to. I will never hurt you.” I was like, what? Who is this guy? No guy would ever do this. So for the first few weeks, I saw a bunch of stuff from girls still trying to hang on, and we would laugh about it together. He showed and shared everything with me. And then eventually I just stopped checking. He made me feel so secure, and so safe, and so loved, that there is no need for me to look at anything. And honestly, I think that kind of trust is what will make you survive this social media age. If a guy has nothing to hide, he should have no problem with you looking at his phone whenever. It shouldn’t be a big deal. You should be able to pick up his phone just as you would pick up your phone. It’s just a stupid device. If there’s no secrets between you two then it shouldn’t be a problem.
Now, as for the issue girls have about their boyfriends, or husbands following a bunch of Instagram models, here’s what I have to say- I don’t think it’s appropriate for a guy to follow a girl or girls he doesn’t know that post a bunch of scantily clad images if he’s in a relationship. It’s just not cool. Because you’re clearly only looking at that page to get your jollies off, and you should be doing that with your significant other. I’m not saying to never look at another beautiful girl again, because that’s not possible, it’s human nature to observe beauty, but you should have respect for the person that you’re dating, and you should be liking them and their posts and not need this outer attraction. Also, if you want to get your jollies off, do it privately with porn or something. There’s no need to hurt people.
If you’re single guy, do whatever you want, but if you bring someone into your life, and you want to have a relationship with them, respect them. A Girl is like a flower in a field; if you’re going to pick it, then you need to take it home, put it in a vase, water it, admire it and take care of it. You don’t pick a flower out of the field, and then take it home and throw it on the counter to die.
I remembered today I brought him our soup while he was away I wanted him to have a peice of home while he was away . I wanted him to feel all the love I had . But maybe it wasn’t enough . I don’t know . Maybe he didn’t love me back , I don’t know . If he did wouldn’t he not have a home with out me ?
It’s Saturday morning about 11 am I’m sitting in my car about to go to work . It’s so hot I hate this weather . I’m looking for a new place in vista I figure this is getting me closer to the beach .
I’m writing today about God’s blessings even in times of great destruction and when you feel like your walking through a great valley God I know for me he is teaching me to trust him .
All his promises he is doing in my life . I’m making 5 times the amount of money at my new job
I am blessed with great support of friends right now . My health is doing good I’m at the gym every day . But other things still I have some deep sorrows . I spend time alone praying to God for the things I know will come and isn’t here yet . God wants me to trust him right now with my life and he’s teaching me to do that by providing me every day with new blessings . So I can have peace with trusting him with the big stuff . I know this is a process it’s hstd it’s painful and I weep a lot but in the nightmare I have this strange peace because god is proving over and over again that he is here
I just have to have faith . Now I must get out of my car in the heat blahhhhh I hate hot .
Any way hope you all have a great day .
Don’t forget this is one of my favorite verses I’ll share with you .
God will give back what the locust have eaten . That is incredible ! What destruction has Satan done in your life . God will restore it !’ Amen !!’
