Alice Series I (1)

So another try at Alice lines for my sleeve : my series of Alice . Finding Alice under ground takes a lot of digging . Here we go . 

If you ask her 

The gun was pointed north 

Her lips were always red . 

It was never the way you left her 

It was the way you  held her while you slept 

She was lost in your jacket 

The way you fancied her in the sunrise 

It was those moments 

Like when the moon hits the water 

And you remember 

Why 

So old tales , rip apart dresses 

As she now sleeps alone . 

The walls lined with your graffiti 

She once called home . 

If I troubled you 

Would you imagine me there 

Where we used to lie quietly 

Would you dare 

Show me 

Where the flowers grow 

Where we can grow old 

Could you find me here 

Would you say Alice 

With out you 

I’ll never sleep again . 

What Else Am I Doing

In my life my past life , maybe ummmm ... 5 years and back I was in so many relationships that just didn’t work out . I wasn’t sure why ? I wanted to write this blog because I found a sure fire answer . If you follow it you’ll get closer to success . It wasn’t until a little over a year ago my friend Katie showed me a Christian video . A pretty girl talking about how you can’t find a good Christian husband until you become a good Christian wife and when you date - date your husband . Would you settle for such and such if this man was your husband or would you leave ? Wow big realization right ? Or would you date this girl if she was your wife ?

I dated guys who were just cute but had nothing I would want in a long term and end up getting hurt when it didn’t work out . Because I put time and energy into the wrong situation . Would God want you to be with someone selfish ? Or mean or a player or an addict or anyone who didnt put God first?Thats a big no . We settle right . So if you have red flags it’s probably not what god is calling you to God loves us he does not want you to get hurt . So date your husband or date your wife other wise your asking for heart ache . Be wise . Satan wants us to hurt . Be on guard you have value . Pray first god always gives answers ,

So re evaluate . God says no other idols come before him . You can’t serve to masters . If someone says they are serving God but live differently they are lying . God says you will know them by there fruit . There actions !!!!!! Love , kindness , tenderness , joy , forgiveness the list goes on . And your welcome

When

As I walk through the mall searching for sandles for Raigan my mouth is in pain because I had my lips done today . What is it like to be the girl on Instagram I follow ? Will I feel more accepted by the ones I love ? Or did I want acceptance from my only love ? Or do I just want to feel pretty like those girls on the internet and maybe it’s all the above . I learned being pretty may make you feel good but it has nothing to do with love . My beauty whether I have it or it’s lacking can’t make the blind see or save anyone . I can’t make anyone go to heaven or be closer to God or see things . No amount of muscles will change anything . I realized today this is what giving it to God means . It’s outside of all my control . All my love on a silver platter won’t change it . Only God can . And as long as I try I will just get hurt .

So God here’s to you and me letting you guide me into what is right in you .

Tattoos (1)

I have to come up with Alice lines for my Alice and wonderland sleeve so I’m going to write a series of poems this month to draw from need to find some dark inspiring music : cold play isn’t cutting it .... what is dark that really gets you under the soul .. hmmmmm 

Alice don’t lose your head 

It’s the glossy pages of magazines 

You live in . 

It’s the testimony of your switch blade heart that every one managed to want broken . 

You gave your fingers clutching old notes 

Filled with bottles and tears 

Where was every dream 

Where were those stars . 

The night was dressed in black 

She didn’t let them see her cry 

She was stronger than that . 

And you built me a castle made of empty promises and regrets 

As I write these pages on ashes 

You don’t remember her name . 

Alice she was beautiful . 

Not like the rest . 

She won wars 

He was the seine 

Unforeseen 

She was a captain 

Oh Alice . 

A memory in these pages 

No one understands 

She hears the piano playing in the distance . 

He said here is your heart back 

What is left . 

What is left ? 

Of a girl 

Made of roses . 

Stained lips . 

Written in news line 

And spread . 

As you toss the paper 

She wonders has he gone mad . 

She falls 

She isn’t breathing

Who will take her hand 

Oh Alice . 

Don’t worry 

It’s not the end . 

When Alice (1)

Alice has black pools for eyes 

Hiding behind the mask 

Tell her a story she can believe in 

As she passes through the black roses 

She’s the sunrise in your garden 

They said 

But she cry’s alone instead . 

Place your hand in mine 

Don’t be scared 

I know how to get those  dreams 

And make them real she said . 

Go ahead and wish upon a star

She will blow dandelions 

And will he kiss her in return . 

As she falls through the door ways

Alice . 

Dreams are dangerous he said . 

But I will show you how to touch the stars again . 

Listen to the music playing 

As I stitch my heart back in place 

My hands aren’t bleeding . 

He says . 

You’ve got black pools in your eyes girl

And Alice says she’s brave . 

There is no doubt about that 

The cat says time is running out 

I thought that clock was always broken ! 

As I fall through the ceiling 

It makes no sense 

Says Rabbit . 

It will be alright 

Said Alice . 

Standing In The Deep End .

I posted the way a few days ago from my blog and this is part 2. If you have not read it please do . I have time to put some real thought into this I’m off today . I just got home from the gym and I’m playing sounds of rain . A year ago approx . I had a great job in marketing . I quit MOR Futniture and I had fallen a little behind finding a new job . I had to quit gym , and lose a lot of things I loved . But the job treated its employees bad I had to go . I started a new job and was trying to get things back on track I was depressed I gained weight , and was behind on bills . After a few months at my new job I left long story . Once again no job . Things declined fast . I didn’t feel like myself and I lost my car . This was just the beginning of my year .  I fell into a deep depression . I was embarrassed to leave my house . No money for anything . What happened God ? I would pray . Things only got darker . I’m a sink or swim type of girl I been a fighter my whole life but I felt like giving up . On top of that I was in a failing relationship and I was trying my hardest to save that .

God help me !! No answer . I found a job at a mattress store . It paid some bills but things were still bad . In the midst of it me and my boyfriend broke up and I just had enough with life . I mean wouldn’t you ?

I was praying one day in my car as I sat outside my mattress job I told God please get me out of here and to help me I refused to live my life like this any longer I would do whatever God led me to do .

He told me to call Jerome’s and I did . I had a job a few weeks later .  I just wanted Gods will to help me what did I need to do . God said lay down eveything to me and trust me . Well I wanted my boyfriend back , I wanted my body back my finances and I wanted whatever God wanted for me .
So I had one list of things I prayed for every day . I told God to lead my life and to bless me where he wanted me to go and I will go . I started praying with my old friend . She told me God will bless me and these hard times would come to an end . I just needed to believe God loved me and that he wanted to bless me.  This was hard . I felt like God never cared .
This is where it became really hard . But I had to give my troubles to him and know that I can walk on water   , go through any hard times with out drowning because he will not let me sink if I gave it to him .  I was trying to save my relationship with my love not Gods it was exhausting and painful . I was spending all my time worrying instead of letting a bigger God fix things knowing he will show up when I need him .

I am now making 5 times  the money I made before . I  am blessed with great friends . I lost over 40 pounds , I have peace when bad things happen because I know God is in control not Amy . I seek God’s will first . If it does not honor God  I’m not apart of it . I’m more calm more at peace have more joy more mercy . When I need answers I pray and God answers you guys every time . If I need sales I pray god sends them . If I need the impossible God makes it possible . If something I want does not come I know it’s not Gods will . I’m ok . God is in control .

You have to give everything to God . Everything you guys . Hurts , decisions , eveything . Without God your on the wrong path .

With God you will live a life of blessings and peace and things will happen . Sometimes if it does not happen right away it could mean not today but in the future keep praying !!!
God does miracles !! He’s done hundreds for me I swear !!!

Love you guys

The Way

I wish I could tell the whole story in this one blog but that is what my book is for I’m writing this to share with everyone . Because , a few months ago I was drowning literally , in no way was I making it . I was not just going through a rough time if I wasn’t in the break room rushing this I might give more detail. But I was at a point in my life where I literally on my 40th birthday May 21 I had to pull my car over because I was crying so hard I threw up . My soul was broken . I cried out to God I told him I was sinking I was drowning in pain . I promise a minute later a song came on the radio called oceans by hillsong . It’s about letting go of it all and trusting God . I didn’t know how to let go because what was causing me pain I loved . How do we let go of something we love ? It could be a person an addiction , could be a painful past you can’t face . Letting go meant giving the pain to God and entrusting him to handle it not me . I had bondage and it was a huge burden of pain . How god how do I leave it in this boat ? He said leave it and walk on this water I won’t let you sink . Holy cow I cried through this every day . I also saw my mentor who prayed over me spoke truth in my life .

Slowly I began to see God do miracles in my life every day  . Big ones and impossible ones . I have to clock in for work but I learned how to have peace and joy through Storms . I learned how to let god guide me and let him fix the rest !

If you have pain do these things . Get prayer read the Bible it’s hard but it will change eveything !
I know God will fix it all and he is

Amen

why this is my last post closing my blog

Sometimes all the love and time you give gets served back to you with a big fuck you . Your not sure how you got here as I stare at my bulldog and wonder why the fuck this happens . But actually this has never happened to me . My exes write me even from years back . Rooting me on . They weren’t the one I never loved them . Excuse my language I might not publish this , but I’m mad maybe not mad but I just feel wasted . God is blessing me . Every prayer like a miracle has been answered I’m not letting tonight make me second guess the path God has been speaking to me about for a year . I’m not crazy it’s not ideas there not in my head . God told me . The enemy tries to hurt me and I’m hurting but there is Gods plan .

Holy cow if I could list the miracles . Sometimes my life is like the three stooges in Spanish and I’m left wondering and scratching my head thinking really ? Did this just happen God ? And why ? I have to follow God’s will . I have to . I have to be a good mom and protect myself as well . God will handle the rest . The Bible says god will perfect what is meant for in our life . So if it’s meant for us God will make it ok . I can’t and don’t have to .

Sometimes things get messed up , but I have to trust God’s will . I’m ending this blog and starting a new one on word press I think it’s called . I’m rewriting my book .

Writing is a healthy way to communicate .im glad I’m loving and giving and say how I feel I’m not crazy or mean or play games . I’m proud of who I am .  It’s how I reach 20k readers on my blog and have met my dearest friends . And anyone who loves me would love thst about me it’s who I am . I’m
A writer . It’s not a crutch or a hobby it’s me .

So this may be the last post on this blog .

Carpe Diem

Identity

It’s 6:30 am . I just got out of the shower . I wish I could tell
You how much I’ve learned from my mentor . I’ve been a Christian my whole life and never had a true example of love . I didn’t know love or what my worth was . I had no idea I was walking with out real faith . I thought I was fine . Until my mentor spoke the truth of the Bible Gods word into my life things I never paid attention to . I began to learn and God began to show me . Loving yourself was loving myself because God loved me no matter what with his love and mercy . I don’t need to be perfect to have peace or joy . I was hurting and it was easy for anyone to make me angry or sad because my foundation was not on God it was on the world and the lies I believed .

I thought my relationship with God was good but it was the opposite . God says he gives us peace passes all understanding . How could I get this ? I had no clue . I had to stop focusing my pain on others and give it to god . I see people who take stuff to feel better about who they are or they get angry , they say there relationship great with god  . God says you know them by there fruit . What’s inside comes to the outside . So are you hurting ? Is there things you can’t let go of ? Trust me I had to do it , it took months of crying and healing . Praying . It’s hard . And forgiving . But no matter what you have to put old ways aside and have a soft heart . You won’t be angry or need anything to feel better . Your identity will be in God . Not in your pain . It’s easy to see it from the outside just like my mentor saw it in me . Find someone to pray for you . God is good . I’m ok because I know he is in control and thank god I no longer need to try to control anything ! God has eveything .

Miracles And Goals

I was going to take a break for 30 days but instead I’m taking a turn . God has blessed me like crazy these past few months so instead I will write of the miracles and how you can get them too ! I’ve had a rough year I had to turn to God 100% that was hard I didn’t know what real love was or how much God loved me . Maybe I didn’t see it or believe it to much bad had happened to me  . Where was God ? I found a Christian mentor and began to get prayer and counsel weekly . She told me god loved me and he had a plan but I didn’t believe it , I wanted to . She kept praying over me and speaking truth in my life it was not til then I realized the lies I was told and believed . She told me god was going to bless me and use me and I was loved.  I began to pray with more faith with every prayer god began to answer showing me he was there . Like big prayers miracles . I would think one might be a coincidence but this has become weekly sometimes daily . I would pray for a certain amount in sales I prayed for 15k and god said , do you not believe in my miracles ? I’m like , ok God let’s see an hour later I did 18k ! It happens a lot . With so many things . You have to seek God first and only God not the ones who hurt us , not the world , just God . God is good . I been so sad and depressed so much bad has happened but God is blessing me left and right saying don’t worry I got you just follow me !

If your in a hard place find a mentor in church get prayer weekly.  Read your bible and pray and listen
God answers ! I’m going to write about miracles and Gods good grace . If you need help
Ask ! I want you to know God’s love to.

When God Speaks

I was a great girlfriend . I wondered what I did wrong . I spent months trying to be as beautiful as possible for when he was better , I wanted him to be proud of me as I was proud of him . I thought of us like Carey Heart and Pink . The pretty couple who got through it all because of love . How on earth does someone fight for you so hard and then leave in a moment . I guess it happens all the time right . Husbands leave there wives , these things happen I guess . I never thought it would ever happen to us . As I climbed in my car on my lunch I heard our song he gave me Never let go . Fuck me . Today I sold 12k amazing when I felt like I been punched in the soul . I can’t be a victim anymore not that I was . It’s just I been waiting for him . Loyal to my love all this time because he asked me a million times to not let go . I believe in true love . I know it was real maybe it’s buried in his anger and confusion . God was right only God can reach him not me . I can love him with every ounce but it’s not my love he needs right now . 

The song shattered I listen to god said we reject his love when we’re broken . I rejected gods love without even knowing it because I was broken . My ex rejects mine to . That’s ok . I was there but I can’t wait anymore .  He let me go . It’s now in gods hands and actually always has been . 

God told me not to worry . I’ll work on forgiveness . Give this pain to god . As I cried in the car today I realized I needed to give this to god too . 

In pain and forgiveness we walk forward in Gods army . 

The Impossible

I lived the past year believing in one thing a love . To find out it was not real . I don’t have words who would ? I don’t think this kind of thing is logical . So all I can do is nothing . Take a long long break from writing and human existence it’s self . How will I ever trust anyone . I’m not even dating nor will I ever . But this ruins my faith in man kind . I learned to love for real from this person then I learned it was not real ? I can’t even think of a lesson I can learn from this . Except it’s his issues because no one in life loves and then does not so deeply . Love is a choice . If we chose to love someone because of the value and love they give it’s not just gone . Something is very wrong and something is a lie . My counselor told me tonight Satan is the author of confusion. . Not the lord . If god was involved we wouldn’t of had such a weird conversation .

So what do I do ? Nothing . Keep praying and moving forward . God is in control of my life every time I pray God shows up . Last night I cried and begged God for an answer on this situation I loved my ex so much I couldn’t take it any more .

God gave me my answer on a silver platter . I just keep thinking of the amazing movie I can only imagine and how it taught me that God can do any miracles .

What a life changer . But my life is in God’s hands . I deserve to be loved the way I love and be valued for all the love I have to give . God is so good in these storms . And nothing makes sense right now and I’m broken and I’m barely walking . But one foot in front of the other and pray for miracles and the will to forgive those who are lost and hurt us .

So I’m leaving my blog for 30 days to focus on healing .

Funny Those Things Those Secret’s

I’m at Barnes and Nobles on my lunch . I came to clear my head . Book stores have a way with me . Today I was told I was hot by my co workers , funny how those words go in one ear and out the other and how we only believe the lies we tell ourselves because according to my head I’m just one invisible girl facing the world alone . I mean my boyfriend even left me with no explanation my love my life does pain get worse than this and I follow the cord deep to the pit of my stomach . Where I find my self worth and I feel sick . How does anyone betray someone on this level? My friend messaged me this morning an old friend who asked me if I was vain I was laughing inside as I mentioned the cord in my head here we go . Vain ? I struggle with my self esteem and just looking in a mirror and blaming my self and my looks for being dumped . As the status quo goes even if this isn’t true I seek refuge in loving myself to rid these negative thoughts it’s called learning to love myself not vanity this guy is an idiot . My journey to self love has made me strong and healthy . I’m sure if my love ever came back he would be healing with an apology and answers . If he does not then it’s not Gods will either way my journey is not about vanity it’s about loving me . And that will make me more loving strong and more happy .

It’s funny I think of his insult . As my friend Cindy at work told me men stare at me I would never notice because I’m not vain and it’s not the attention I’m looking for .

If your on a journey of self love don’t let anyone bring you down keep going
God reminded me today in my prayer time that I walk in his power and love ! Who can hurt me ?
No one . Follow his will and his purpose will happen for good !

What it’s like to walk on water

If you follow my blog then you will know these past months have been the storm of my life and I knew I was to drowned and there was no doubt about that ! I was alone and there was no one to save me . Then God called me out and said trust me . I pretty much couldn’t it was hard but I had no choice my boat was sinking and he was offering a life vest so here we are . I’ve been documenting the miracles sense . These aren’t no regular miracles these are God miracles and he is showing me is here and in control of my life . I can say I didn’t think I would make it and some days I still don’t then God comes through and he wows me . Yesterday morning I prayed in my car as I always do , I pray every day for my ex boyfriend that he is ok , and I pray for my kids and work . I prayed to God that I needed 14k to make my next paycheck a decent one . I only had 3 days to do so . It’s been very dead at work . I went to work by 5 pm I had in 5 grand not bad but not good . Then I had 2 ladies come in and there sale totaled 14k ! Amen !!! I made it ! Gods will !

It’s amazing right . This was no coincidence. God said Amy walk in my power and don’t forget my promises . God heals and God is good and mighty . You just have to listen and seek him first . I didn’t think God loved me . But I was wrong .

I know God will do anything for me . I know more miracles will come in his time . So when I’m sad I just pray because I know God hears me . How cool is that .

Sometimes 1 + 1 don’t = 2

It’s 10:10 pm I just got home from work I’m listening to a country song I hate country but it reminds me of my ex . It’s called Simple so I’ll put it on repeat while I type . I started a running regimen 7 days a week . I’m pretending I’m training for a marathon . It gets me out there and it’s helping my heart rate get lower . It makes me feel good too . Stronger in a way . Today I was told I was going to be put in the management program and I made a bonus for such high sales only 2 people in 8 years ever made it . I was so happy at first I hugged my manager and screamed praise Jesus ! He laughed and told me great job . My life is so blessed yet I’m laying in bed so sad . I miss you . My heart hurts and breaks every day .   The senseless crime of you leaving me . Our love was so big and in my heart it still is .

My life God is blessing like Crazy . But I’m here crying . It sucks so bad . I was trying to think of harder times but I can’t think of anyone I cried for , for so long . There’s a hole in my chest .

I’m here alone with no one to tell my good news . I wish you were here to tell .
I’m on this journey alone . I drove home and prayed thanking God for my blessings

I have to get up early for the gym . Not sure what the end of my life will look like all I know is today
And now I’ll fall asleep listening to this song .

Goodnight

Journey (1)

Maybe if I was Alcapone and not Alice I could maybe wear a gun on my sleeve and maybe pretend I don’t have to feel a thing but instead Alice shares her heart to her own devices and it serves her morning under coffee and prayers that maybe he’ll find me here . Jesus tells me to be strong and I suck back the tears on my morning drives and I think I can’t get through this . 

Maybe we can smoke our cigars God and I know you got this - but it does not make today’s pain better so I’ll pretend for a moment that Alice has a gun and we are soldiers .

Just for a moment because maybe we are soldiers and maybe we are brave . 

As we fall effortlessly down the rabbit holes . Scraping our knees all the way down , looking up for your hands to grasp for us once again . 

And we wait ..... God said - girl it’s a journey . So I put on my Al Capone face but I’ll tell you it isn’t working as tears fall . But I’m a soldier said - Alice . 

And she wears her heart on this sleeve 

Even though it’s not ok . 

Jesus tells me it’s going to be alright . 

Stranded

So tonight is awesome . It’s 100 degrees at 9:30 pm stranded in corona with a flat tire no air and a dying phone . Heart rate a solid 100 and I was supposed to go running and watch a movie with Raigan now I may get mugged or something . So awesome . This sucks and it’s hot . Oh my god I hate the summer . And where is my sugar free ice cream .... hopefully someone saves me .

Morning Drive

Every morning I leave for work . I put in punk music and then a heavy sadness and the reminder of him being gone starts to erode my morning . It’s a dark fog I can’t escape . How can I ? He is my love and he’s gone . I drive every morning this way for months now . I listen to music as tears stream down my face . I decided to make it my prayer time . It’s the kind of sadness that can take you down you know what I mean . Such a big loss you can’t stomach it . So I decided to pray . 

On my morning drives sometimes I weep , sometimes I question God , sometimes I beg God and sometimes I tell God I’m giving up . This is my reality . I’m sharing this with you because in my sorrow God has been teaching me something . 

Every time I get to the point where I’m so upset I can’t take it . Like I just can’t anymore . God reminds me of his miracles he can do in my life and what he is doing in my life . He shows me not to give up hope . 

He also tells me to walk in his power . I mean that’s pretty strong . I walk like I’m strong but it’s fake . I’m so sad it’s not even funny and no one knows or understands . Do you know what it’s like to abruptly lose the love of your life ? 

I’m sure I’m not alone . But no one can stop the pain . So here God is telling me to walk in “ His “ power . Wow . 

God is almighty . There is nothing God can’t do . In God’s power I can find joy in my sorrow because God will bring me a future of hope . God will work all this out . He will provide and be there for me and Raigan . 

God has the power to change all our lives . My love could be back in the future if it’s Gods will . These things I don’t know . All I know is I have to trust God in whatever happens . 

I dream about my future now . Dream about what it could be . God Is blessing us in so many ways even though I carry so much sorrow . 

But I’m holding Gods hand through this valley of hell im walking through 

I never thought in my life I could be so broken hearted . Or could have gone through so much . I don’t deserve it , I don’t understand it . But God is working I know this . That’s all I have right now to get me day to day honestly . 

I encourage anyone going through hard times to ask God to speak to you and he will . He will show you the way 

Now if only this terrible weather would go away . Good night everyone . 

Funerals

I fought a war
You drew this map
Told me everything we were fighting for
Blood and bone you said
Well make it baby til the end .

I loved you
I love you

I grabbed your hand
You told me to hold on tight
We made it to the finish line

And then

You let me go .

Mirrors

This blog will take a big turn so bare with me it’s nothing what it seems in the beginning to where I’m going in it’s ending . I’ve had a hard time with the whole you got to love yourself Amy concept . If I told you how bad it was you would never believe how deep self hatred could run . I used to not be able to even walk into a store because I felt I was to ugly . I’m serious . I thought people in the mall looked at me because of my ugliness and every laugh was at my disgust . I would leave immediately and drive off in my car .  As a young girl I started at the gym with trainers thousands of dollars hours and hours at the gym on Friday nights it was never good enough . I started taking laxatives and meth to be better . I was so thin but still I thought I was so fat . I went to have Lipo suction the doctor told me I was crazy I ordered him to do it any way . It runined my body for life it left me with lines on my legs that resemble cellulite because I had no fat it ruined my body . I was only 23 years old . Sadly I almost died in my eating disorders . I realized God had more for me . I stopped what I was doing and just went to the gym . It caused me to gain weight . No drugs no laxatives , my body was in shock .

After a few years I was able to get back to where I was but after a baby you go back and forth but you get the picture . Now at 40 the self hate is still there . I here it all the time - Amy get confident . I laugh I don’t even know what that means or where to start . God says I’m beautiful I’m his princess but how do I receive that ?

I had a boyfriend who told me I wasn’t pretty enough . It made sense to me because I hated myself I needed to be perfect a model to be loved right ????? Well the lies I told myself said so . But it was dead wrong ! So was he . I look around at couples they aren’t Instagram models and they are crazy for each other . I think about all the loving things I did for my boyfriend he was damn lucky to have me ?!!! So what’s going on ?

Then it hit me . Value . I saw a quote 2 days ago that said love yourself like you want your soul mate to love you . Wow ! Now I get it . I wanted my boyfriend to love me , value me , make me feel beautiful , special , unique . Here I am telling myself I’m ugly , worthless , and invisible .

Boy oh boy . Not really the message of love at all . It’s not how God loves us . Not how my boyfriend should love me either .

Even though I still spend countless hours in the gym , it’s because I want to feel good but I don’t care what people think . Because I have value . I’m a great friend , I was an amazing girlfriend I’m a good mom . Even though I struggle with what I tell myself still and looking at a mirror I’ll remind myself to love me the way I want my soul mate too .

Love me the way God loves me .

I wanted to share .

Love

Me

Checkered Seas (1)

I was swallowed by a checkered sea
No one could save me
It said drink me - Alice .
He kissed me so innocently
As I fell far down the rabbit hole

And consiquently it’s where I lost my direction
Upside down
Into paintings and into ceilings
That’s what love does .
The kind that’s made of things that are real

The rabbit can’t even tell time , you know
His watch is broken
He’s my best friend
He says Alice - time can’t erase it

Erase what , rabbit .
Love - he said .

Alice pauses for a while .
She can’t escape
The ceilings are sidewalks
Windows are sky’s , in a world full of masks
And misunderstanding

Alice drinks her tea
She finds hope behind a glass door
Well make it .
As the rabbit taps his watch

Alice says she must keep moving
Hides her tears in a box
Between words and broken letters

Trying to find her way back to home
And the rabbit asked - do you know where home is
Alice ?
Yes Alice says .

I just lost it .

Reality Check

I wrote a blog on this years ago . Today’s society is beauty obsessed but let’s get real it’s fake . If you follow any big cosmetology plastic surgery every swim suit model , play boy even fitness model is doing fat sucking , fat lasering , face implants , nose jobs , lip implants . So our little girls are upping the bar to look like only what money can’t buy and men are watching porn obsessing over coc addict girls trying to be as thin as possible it’s just not reality . Of course being the best you can be is the best way in a healthy way . I’m a victim to of scociety at best . Surgery , Botox , drugs , eating disorders to be accepted . I’ve almost killed my self to be loved and to simply love myself . Technology is making us naracasist . Lovers of what’s on the outside and so many of these people have no character no depth no love , we need to focus on our own unique beauty . So someone can love you for you not because you look like every other girl on Instagram . And fuck them if they don’t you have so much to offer !!! Let’s not teach our daughters to devalue themselves . They are enough !!!!

Have a great day ! I’m off to work !

Lighter Notes

This week I found myself coming down with a cold . At first I fought through it , I went to the gym tired and sick even though I was sick and tired - and tired and sick . I spend every moment counting calories and measuring my body I couldn’t miss gym time . Then it hit me like a ton of bricks I was dearthly ill and I missed the gym . The week before I was going twice a day . Now I missed I ran my body down I’m sure . 12 hour shifts and the gym and no nutrients my body said eff you Amy ! I called in sick to work after being up all night sicker then I’ve ever been and rushed to 24 hour urgent care . I couldn’t afford Raigan to get sick or miss any more gym or work ! For God’s sakes I’m gaining weight by the minute and losing money here ! Lol . The doctor said I may have pneumonia and he would write me out of work for 5 days ! I said please don’t do he wrote me out for 2 and I still went to work today . Barely making it but I’m a soldier and I sold 5k. Yesterday was surreal I spent the whole day sleeping and eating carbs it was like a day of heaven . I felt so guilty but I measured myself this morning I lost half inch off my waste I guess because I’m so sick . But hey one day of sleeping and eating a casadilla won’t kill anyone but it felt good . Today I feel better .

Tomorrow is my gym day I probably shouldn’t go . But I might . But what I learned is maybe just maybe it’s ok to not be so hard on yourself once in a while and taking a break is ok .

It’s late I just got home from work . I need to rest . But at least I burned 2500 calories at work today so it’s not a total loss . Sad I had to get sick to slow down . But next week we will be back on track again !!!

My advice is - take a break even if it’s for a day we all deserve it !

The Blog Everyone Should Read

I follow Brittany Furlan . Tommy Lees fiancé . Why you ask ? Because she is pretty kick ass chick who is real and down to earth and not afraid to be herself . Love these kinds of woman . I read her blog today hit me like a ton of bricks because it hit so close to home . How being in a bad situation can cause you to doubt who you are . Because of someone else’s brokenness . People can do a lot of damage to us and we internalize it as we were not enough . But really it’s there issues . Patterns they need to break not breaking us . I went through this same thing or very simular situation and even though the story isn’t 100% the same it’s same patterns and it caused the same damage . The lesson in how things should and shouldn’t be are so night and day . I’m going to copy and paste her blog below it’s a beautiful story . Don’t let anyone make you believe your not enough . Because you should be eveything and more and they should never need anything else .


Here it goes :

Social Media & Dating 

Today I’m going to talk about relationships, and the social media age and how it’s affecting so many relationships. 

I dated a guy before Tommy who was addicted to stalking girls on social media. While he was dating me (and supposedly only me) he messaged tons of other girls on Instagram, using his “status” to try to get them to meet up with him. One time I caught him messaging a girl on Twitter when I activated his old phone. How did I get to that point? (I’ll get there) Was that right? Probably not, but after you’ve been through it so many times (as I had at that point) and you start to get that suspicious feeling, you kind of have to itch the scratch, even if you know it’s gonna hurt. I wish that one time that I checked his stuff, I never found anything, but every time I looked, there was something. It was awful. It made me feel not good enough for anyone, unlovable…it made me feel a sadness within myself that I’ve never felt before. Why wasn’t I enough? It took me a VERY long time to realize that it was his problem, not mine. After talking with other exes of his I found out this was just a pattern. But the damage was done. I became an insecure girl.

Originally posted by remanence-of-love

See, before that relationship I had never been cheated on, never been hurt; never dated someone who would hurt me. So it was such a shock to me to go through this. To become that insecure girl who had to check up on her boyfriend. It all started with me seeing what girls he was following. There were some “Instagram models” but I let that go. I let that go until one day I saw his dms. And saw he was messaging so many of them, blatantly hitting on them. I lost myself. I became this crazy, insecure, broken woman. I didn’t get why he didn’t just dump me? Security I suppose? If there are any guys out there reading this, and you’re doing that shit to a girl right now, just do her a favor and break up with her. No girl needs to deal with that

Now I’m only sharing that because I want to tell you how great my relationship is now, and how most relationships should be in this day and age if they want to survive this social media influenced world. 

So here’s what we do- When I first started dating Tommy, obviously I was worried because he had this “bad boy” reputation. Everyone told me a guy like him would break my heart. So I went into the relationship very cautiously. I was worried about other girls, I was already scathed from my previous relationship and didn’t trust any guy. I would see girls text him, but he was very open about it. He told me straight out in the beginning that he was seeing other people. I understood because we had just met. Then after a week or so he decided he just wanted to see me. I told him everything I had been through before and that I couldn’t go through that again. And then he did something amazing, he took my thumb, and put it on his phone and said, “you can look at my phone whenever you want to. I will never hurt you.” I was like, what? Who is this guy? No guy would ever do this. So for the first few weeks, I saw a bunch of stuff from girls still trying to hang on, and we would laugh about it together. He showed and shared everything with me. And then eventually I just stopped checking. He made me feel so secure, and so safe, and so loved, that there is no need for me to look at anything. And honestly, I think that kind of trust is what will make you survive this social media age. If a guy has nothing to hide, he should have no problem with you looking at his phone whenever. It shouldn’t be a big deal. You should be able to pick up his phone just as you would pick up your phone. It’s just a stupid device. If there’s no secrets between you two then it shouldn’t be a problem. 

Now, as for the issue girls have about their boyfriends, or husbands following a bunch of Instagram models, here’s what I have to say- I don’t think it’s appropriate for a guy to follow a girl or girls he doesn’t know that post a bunch of scantily clad images if he’s in a relationship. It’s just not cool. Because you’re clearly only looking at that page to get your jollies off, and you should be doing that with your significant other. I’m not saying to never look at another beautiful girl again, because that’s not possible, it’s human nature to observe beauty, but you should have respect for the person that you’re dating, and you should be liking them and their posts and not need this outer attraction. Also, if you want to get your jollies off, do it privately with porn or something. There’s no need to hurt people. 

If you’re single guy, do whatever you want, but if you bring someone into your life, and you want to have a relationship with them, respect them. A Girl is like a flower in a field; if you’re going to pick it, then you need to take it home, put it in a vase, water it, admire it and take care of it. You don’t pick a flower out of the field, and then take it home and throw it on the counter to die. 

Homeless

I remembered today I brought him our soup while he was away I wanted him to have a peice of home while he was away . I wanted him to feel all the love I had .  But maybe it wasn’t enough . I don’t know . Maybe he didn’t love me back , I don’t know . If he did wouldn’t he not have a home with out me ?

I’m a homeless girl I know that .

saviors

It’s 11:22 pm and sometimes I come to the ledge where I’m really not ok and god pulls me back but I find myself on this ledge a lot . It really sucks

News

It’s Saturday morning about 11 am I’m sitting in my car about to go to work . It’s so hot I hate this weather . I’m looking for a new place in vista I figure this is getting me closer to the beach .

I’m writing today about God’s blessings even in times of great destruction and when you feel like your walking through a great valley God I know for me he is teaching me to trust him .

All his promises he is doing in my life . I’m making 5 times the amount of money at my new job
I am blessed with great support of friends right now . My health is doing good I’m at the gym every day . But other things still I have some deep sorrows . I spend time alone praying to God for the things I know will come and isn’t here yet . God wants me to trust him right now with my life and he’s teaching me to do that by providing me every day with new blessings . So I can have peace with trusting him with the big stuff . I know this is a process it’s hstd it’s painful and I weep a lot but in the nightmare I have this strange peace because god is proving over and over again that he is here

I just have to have faith . Now I must get out of my car in the heat blahhhhh I hate hot .
Any way hope you all have a great day .

Don’t forget this is one of my favorite verses I’ll share with you .
God will give back what the locust have eaten . That is incredible ! What destruction has Satan done in your life . God will restore it !’ Amen !!’

Empty Streets

Boxing off the fireworks
Cancel my parade
The street is empty tonight, tonight
Everything is quiet now
The city holds its breath for me
Their spirit has died, it died

Running my whole life to reach this place
And just when I arrive, the moment fades out
Will you let me?

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
And you don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I don't need an answer
But if you rewrote the past
You think you'd just leave me out, leave me out?
Or will you spin your head around in every crowded room
To see if I can be found, be found?

Every single plan you will forget
So do what makes you happy
No regrets now

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I remember when you asked me how far 
that I could throw this love I found
Then I heard you say you'd wait around

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away
And this is goodbye, goodbye
This is goodbye, goodbye

The street is empty tonight
The street is empty tonight

Letter To The Devil

The devil pats me on the head 
I tell him to go fuck himself 
Not this time will he win 
They say I have a dark side
As he paints me black 

I  am black roses 
On a rainy morning 
Fuck these circumstances 
My sword is bigger 
Then the grave you tried to burry me in 
So laugh all you want 
I spit in the devils face 
Love is sacrifice 

God is grace 
In this miracle morning 
I will rise from the dead 

With the new promise of a better tomorrow 
Love is sacrifice 

Devil kills 
But not us 
Not us 

I Can Only Imagine .

It’s 10:41 I’m in bed it’s a Wednesday . Raigans about to leave for 2 weeks on a trip and I’m writing before I go to bed . I’m writing this because I know other people in my shoes and I found some answers I wanted to share . Maybe just maybe I can help someone out there in a world where we feel all alone where no one understands . I am lucky to have some close friends who have been through this sort of thing before but I still feel alone so maybe I can help you out there looking for answers .

Here it goes . Bear with me I’m not good with written thoughts they usually sound better in my head
This year has been riddled with pain and confusion . Honestly just the word pain does not describe it
It’s like being dragged by a car in razor blades and alcohol type of pain and the worst part is it never gets better . I’ve never known this kind of pain and I’ve been through it all . This post is how to cope and what literally saved my life so please follow me to the end .

Losing someone is hard but that’s not the hardest part . Losing someone to there own pain is what’s hard . Because you can’t help them , and there pain tears them away from you . It’s a real cluster fuck pardon my language . So you have 2 things going on . You want to help them in there pain your feeling it to . They might not know it but you love them so it’s natural . And B. You are dealing with losing them from something that is out of your control . Man this is deep . I spent 4 months losing weight , dying my hair , changing my face I went to drastic lengths to be beautiful to be perfect . To give the right love but guess what I still lost him and I lost big . I was in such a world of pain I messaged my friend and he was worried he’s never seen me so devastated . He said , Amy don’t lose it ! I thought , I am I really am . Then I remembered something .

I prayed out loud in the car that morning that God would be my anchor , that his power would reign in my life and that he needed to take control . Like for real . Here God take this broken heart . I’m losing it . God told me to watch the movie I can only imagine . I been meaning to but I was to fragile but I told God I would after work .

So here it goes . The movie a true story of a man who’s life changed by the miracle of God . I won’t ruin it but everyone should see it . In the movie he asked god to be his anchor weird right . Things happened in this movie so similar to my life and it taught me something powerful .

In my sorrow I was doubting Gods power . His power to do miracles . In my life in his life in anyone life  . God’s hands are on it he is working and it’s so hard to remember this in times of confusion and sadness .

God keeps talking to me about miracles , faith and trusting in him over and over again . God has my attention ! I was drowning you guys . Drowning in my sorrow because I was looking at the problems and the pain . But I just needed to look up . Our God is bigger . I can’t doubt this . Am I crying still ?

Yes . Because I miss him and I love him . I don’t care it’s ok to hold on to that but the difference is my eyes are on God . I prayed today I asked God if he was in the small details of our day .

Then guess what happened ? ! My friend Zach Striplin a world championship fighter wrote me a training program for my goals . I had to pay 75 bucks . I didn’t know how I would pay it . I didn’t get paid til two more weeks . But I won 100 dollars today in a contest at work ! God is good .

I also lost 4.5 inches in 10 days keep the goals going ! So when things are hard and you feel like the waves are above your head seek God . In any way you can . Prayer , mentor , bible , Christian movies like I did . God speaks just listen .

2 weeks ago I prayed for a miracle . I needed 15k in one day to beat top writer in our store . It was the last day of the month and it was dead . God said Amy do you not believe I’m doing miracles in your life ? I said ok God I believe . I got back from lunch and sold 15k this is no joke !!!!

God is telling me over and over right now he is here working . So in this terrible storm even though I cry and it hurts , I have peace . God told me he will restore all that has been lost .

So here is to what God has next . Are you ready ?

Under The Pillow (1)

Alice composed a letter
Seems to be written in ashes
As the cold winds blow .
She can’t find the note he left
Under her pillow .

It’s going to be alright it said .
And Alice searches for it .
don’t be scared I’ll be back- he said .
Don’t worry your precious head girl

And I’m taken back
I know it’s some where Alice said .
How can it be gone
How can he be gone .

I search every room
So she drowns in this ocean
The cat says I told you so
As he finishes his cigar

Alice places her head between her hands
She falls like an old mop on the floor
How can this be
She said .
As no one answers

Time

It’s 6 am on a Saturday I have to get up for work. Raigan is asleep next me , the dog is snoring and I wish I didn’t have to go today . I’m laying here thinking about time . I’m thinking about how I have 4 minutes to rest . Everything in life is bound by time . Just like love . People will say Amy there are so many fish in the sea why do you make yourself beautiful but go home every day and cry . It’s easy answer because of time . What makes love unique is the memories we shared with someone they are ours and we can’t have them with someone else . Why would I want someone else . That’s how I know I deeply loved. This person . Another thing about time is we can have a million memories but they can scar you for life in one moment one action by breaking your heart . By just not caring about you like you did for them . Even though they said they did . So what takes a life time of love can take a moment to cause the worst heart break .

I’m 40. I thought I knew who my soul mate was so much I’d bet my life on it . But in reality they would’ve respected and cared for me enough not to cause so much pain over and over and over .

Yes I may cry every day . I don’t know what time will do now . But god is in control .

New me

Re inventing myself . Oh boy oh boy . Something I’m always doing but the past 6 months has been like being dragged by a car at 90 miles an hour . 

I decided to lose the weight I had gained was first step . I wasn’t the best person I could be for myself or my boyfriend . My low self esteem had caused me to be depressed . I wanted to feel sexy and comfterable in my own skin . It was something I needed to do for me . As I set out on my journey my boyfriend set out on his own to better himself mentally and this divided our paths . Losing my true love which I still believe we will be back together later God willing has made me take a hard look at the inside me as well . 

I sought out weekly prayer and counseling . Why did I have so much self hatred . Why couldn’t I face a simple mirror . 

Here I am 45 pounds less , and still going and I am dealing with building myself inside and more importantly giving God control over my circumstances . I have a weird peace in my times of sorrow . 

I believe good things will come I have to . God and myself have come far this year and I will fight to succeed in my goals . 

If you are down I encourage you to keep the faith and take heart . Do not lose hope or love . Things will work out in the end . 

Dear God

Dear God

As I face my day in sadness I know that my hope in you will sustain my bravery . I know in my heart you will restore me and my loves relationship in time . I just know in my heart . You’ve shown me to many things . I know I have to handle things with grace and forgiveness even when I’m angry and confused . And I know right now I am in turmoil as I walk in this desert I have to trust all our lives and hearts with you and as a soldier I am worn and sad and broken hearted . But in you I am strong I have come so far to far to go back now . All I can do is pray that you take care of all of us right now and we all hear your voice and you may lead us through this dark world . I know I will meet my love again and when we do we won’t have to say good bye . In you God love and restoration will bring peace again to a devastating and broken city we called home .

Lord I walk in your strength to try to breathe today and to not cry but to smile in my faith in you that my future is my hope in you . Let us face this day in bravery forgiveness and love . Forgive me for my sadness and worry .

It’s been a Great War .


- Amy

Coma

I have these lucid dreams where I can't move a thing
Thinking of you in my bed
You were my everything
Thoughts of a wedding ring
Now I'm just better off dead (coughs)
I'll do it over again
I didn't want it to end
I watch it blow in the wind
I should've listened to my friends
Did this shit in the past
But I want it to last
You were made outta plastic (fake)
I was tangled up in your drastic ways
Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face
You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes
I gave you my heart and you made heart break - Lucid Dreams

I’m in a coma
No one can wake me
I waited for my prince
In the end he wasn’t so charming

It was just one kiss
As you begged me to wait
You said I was your forever
And now you said I was a mistake

I’m left here I’m not breathing
It’s an entirety
Of a world that was you
And me .

How could you forget
That you cried
And let me go in a letter and a stamp

There’s no words
As I lie here in bed
My mask is off
You say your sorry
As you let me go .

loss

It’s 9:30 pm not like any other night I suppose . It’s my day off and this could be a bench mark . As for goals I’m crushing those . If I look back from this time last year to now I’m a completely different person in a different place . I made it through a Great War . This is no joke . Last year I had no job I lost everything . I had a few months between jobs and I was in a severe depression I had great credit and things were good and then I lost everything . Even my car , my credit . I thought then why God was letting me go through such dark times . I was unhappy so unhappy .

I never gave up I kept going . I kept going through a terrible break up , I kept going through having no money . To now I lost everything . Here I am .

Crushing every goal . I’m thinner then I’ve been in 10 years . I love my new job , and things are going well .Its funny how we build our lives with our partner going through good and bad together , you know it’s going to last forever you build dreams together , then in an instant it’s gone .

I’m in such a fog I can’t see the fact that I’ve climbed Mount Everest I made it to the top and I’m brave . I’m strong and I did it . But I’m alone . With out you it’s not the same . I am left questioning everything . I can’t let go yet it hurts to much . Maybe it’s something I’ll always hold on to I don’t know . All I know is I’m on the mountain. I can’t stop moving forward I have to keep going . If someone does not value who I was to them , I have to keep moving somehow even if I’m crying even if I do it screaming .

Because you can’t control how others feel . You can only control what I can do
I don’t want to be that person I was last year .

This is the new me . If you don’t love me your loss . Even though it hurts like hell

Speak No Evil - Hear No Evil - See No Evil

Empathy is tricky sometimes isn’t it ? I always try first to see others actions from where they are at personally in there life . When you don’t we miss the big picture . Maybe it does not matter to some people but it’s huge in human connection . If you let me take a moment I’ll explain . It’s currently 10 pm . I just got home from work and I was reminded today of this subject by something that happened - I promised myself I would go running after work so I’ll make it as brief as I can .

Have you ever met someone at work or in a social setting you knew you hated , they just got under your skin in every way ? This happens to me I always tell myself I know they will end up being my closest friend . Why ? Seems crazy right ? Because typically I go out of my way to know this person .

Did you know that when you don’t like someone off the bat for weird unknown reasons it’s typically because they represent the parts you don’t like about yourself ? I went to an amazing life course seminar , Bill Gates sends his very own best too . I learned the people we tend to stay away from are typically the most like us . Interesting right ? I went to college to get my PHD in psychology I find it fascinating , I need to go back and finish .

The biggest part to this is , when it’s vice versa. There’s always that person spreading gossip at work trying to hurt people . Always right ? We want to be mad at them right ? I typically ignore these people , why ? Because this is where empathy comes in . People who spend a lot of time gossiping or hurting other people are typically hurting themselves . Have you ever met a happy secure person who gossips and is negative ???

I’m guessing no . We can’t control others . Why would we want to . But we can control how we view others and how we respond .

So A . We love our enemies - maybe even help them
B. We just stay clear and stay positive .

I’m telling you , this is 100 % true . Don’t take things personally .
Keep your chin up !

- Amy

Collateral Beauty - I get it

Did you see the movie Collateral Beauty ? I did last year and it didn’t make much sense to me until this year . It hit me like a pound of bricks as I was driving one day through Hemet as a short cut to get to a prayer meeting I go to every week , I saw him a man my age quite attractive talking to himself on the side of the rode . He was clearly homeless and on drugs . I thought to myself how sad he is someone’s son , maybe a dad or a husband . Here he is lost . I began to cry .

Collateral Beautyis the ripples we are left with after a great tragedy .We see the very fabric of life instead of drive by it . We feel it . I myself went through some astounding tragedies a big one just the past few months - past year . I realize I slotted every bad thing away like a notecard and now each one pops up I’m left to read them every day .

I know what addiction does to families . I know what pain is and abandonment , I know what it means to invest everything you are and to be taken to hell instead of the dreams you built together .

In the great tragedy we feel every breath we breathe because the pain is so great , there is a bond to eveything around us to heal and to love so we may find healing and love . It’s the worst place to be in this kind of pain is unlike anything you would even wish on an enemy but you view the world differently and you see the beauty in the ashes . To me this is a gift . It takes a special person to love the broken . To see things with out judgement to see beyond the eyes of a lost crowd . You see it with the humility of your own pain .

Maybe I’ll learn to guard my heart better . Not let someone take it and burn it to the ground with absolutely no regard . Maybe I’ll learn to demand respect and take nothing less . Learn to not let someone abuse me like a throw away doll after I gave my world . I’m sure there is a better way .

But there is collateral beauty . We just have to look for it . Reach out to the hurting and to the broken
If your uninspired then inspire someone . If your sad , serve people .

I don’t know what all I needed to say except the love you give to others is the love you keep . Not the other way around .

Becareful who you give your heart too .

Conclusion

I’m cut in half 

Trying to breathe 

Alone in this world 

Where you promised forever 

The pain is hot metal to the skin 

To drowned in our dreams 

And it’s silent 

I try to let it go 

It’s like ripping out my bones 

But I have come to the conclusion 

You didn’t love me 

And I’m branded by wounds 

I walk In the night 

Asking myself how it went wrong 

What I did to make you leave 

It’s ruthless the way my heart hurts 

There is nothing I can do 

You left me here alone . 

I don’t know the truth 

I don’t know what your love meant 

And I’m lost in a crowd for a while 

They tell me not to cry 

But this is my reality 

As the weeks come and go 

And you are no where to be found 

Taking A Break

The big break . 

Right now I’m not in a good place . My life is in a good place but mentally I’m not . I’m learning to give things to God but also I’m realizing this isn’t helping with my pain or answers I don’t have . 

I know I need to find joy in God because he is in control . This is the part I need to work on . Even though people go with no answers and we’re left confused and hurting , I have to trust in God’s plan . I’m not doing very good at this I’m still crying every day . 

Maybe when you love someone that’s normal . It’s normal just to simply love 

Either way I’m taking a break from writing and social media for a while . 

To try to find my way out of this dark grieving hole . Find any light . 

When it’s to Rough

It’s Saturday . I just got home from work and it’s 10 pm no call today no letter . With each passing day it only gets harder . The only saving grace I have is putting my trust in God for the outcome . If I didn’t have this in God I would be such a mess I don’t think I could work . Taking it day by day seems like I’m just learning to breathe each day . Today at work I broke my tooth on wall art . I was told by a supervisor I shouldn’t tell my goals it may offend people . I said I shouldn’t be hungry to sell to want more ? I’m a single mom . He said you don’t look humble . What does striving to do your job have to do with humility ? Best part is I’m the most humble person on earth . Do they know I turn in change just to buy food because I have to get ahead . I have no cash . If I don’t work hard I don’t survive .   Man the haters . Not to mention every time I sell something I give God the glory never myself . As you can see today was frustrating . None of it has to do with Gods blessings they can’t stop his will for my life . Good thing I inspire myself .


I see couples come in all day , it ruins my day . I just miss him so much it kills me inside and I imagine I have to accept this pain . I can’t change it all I can do is pray and trust in God

I’m home alone it’s late and my mouth hurts . No one can make me give up . It’s just like my diet everyone gives me a hard time for eating healthy .

Doesn’t anyone have goals ? Man nothing can stop me .
I might just might cry myself to sleep tonight missing him so much but I know we’re both in Gods hands right now .

Chin up Amy .

Your doing great !

- Me