The Blog Everyone Should Read

I follow Brittany Furlan . Tommy Lees fiancé . Why you ask ? Because she is pretty kick ass chick who is real and down to earth and not afraid to be herself . Love these kinds of woman . I read her blog today hit me like a ton of bricks because it hit so close to home . How being in a bad situation can cause you to doubt who you are . Because of someone else’s brokenness . People can do a lot of damage to us and we internalize it as we were not enough . But really it’s there issues . Patterns they need to break not breaking us . I went through this same thing or very simular situation and even though the story isn’t 100% the same it’s same patterns and it caused the same damage . The lesson in how things should and shouldn’t be are so night and day . I’m going to copy and paste her blog below it’s a beautiful story . Don’t let anyone make you believe your not enough . Because you should be eveything and more and they should never need anything else .


Here it goes :

Social Media & Dating 

Today I’m going to talk about relationships, and the social media age and how it’s affecting so many relationships. 

I dated a guy before Tommy who was addicted to stalking girls on social media. While he was dating me (and supposedly only me) he messaged tons of other girls on Instagram, using his “status” to try to get them to meet up with him. One time I caught him messaging a girl on Twitter when I activated his old phone. How did I get to that point? (I’ll get there) Was that right? Probably not, but after you’ve been through it so many times (as I had at that point) and you start to get that suspicious feeling, you kind of have to itch the scratch, even if you know it’s gonna hurt. I wish that one time that I checked his stuff, I never found anything, but every time I looked, there was something. It was awful. It made me feel not good enough for anyone, unlovable…it made me feel a sadness within myself that I’ve never felt before. Why wasn’t I enough? It took me a VERY long time to realize that it was his problem, not mine. After talking with other exes of his I found out this was just a pattern. But the damage was done. I became an insecure girl.

Originally posted by remanence-of-love

See, before that relationship I had never been cheated on, never been hurt; never dated someone who would hurt me. So it was such a shock to me to go through this. To become that insecure girl who had to check up on her boyfriend. It all started with me seeing what girls he was following. There were some “Instagram models” but I let that go. I let that go until one day I saw his dms. And saw he was messaging so many of them, blatantly hitting on them. I lost myself. I became this crazy, insecure, broken woman. I didn’t get why he didn’t just dump me? Security I suppose? If there are any guys out there reading this, and you’re doing that shit to a girl right now, just do her a favor and break up with her. No girl needs to deal with that

Now I’m only sharing that because I want to tell you how great my relationship is now, and how most relationships should be in this day and age if they want to survive this social media influenced world. 

So here’s what we do- When I first started dating Tommy, obviously I was worried because he had this “bad boy” reputation. Everyone told me a guy like him would break my heart. So I went into the relationship very cautiously. I was worried about other girls, I was already scathed from my previous relationship and didn’t trust any guy. I would see girls text him, but he was very open about it. He told me straight out in the beginning that he was seeing other people. I understood because we had just met. Then after a week or so he decided he just wanted to see me. I told him everything I had been through before and that I couldn’t go through that again. And then he did something amazing, he took my thumb, and put it on his phone and said, “you can look at my phone whenever you want to. I will never hurt you.” I was like, what? Who is this guy? No guy would ever do this. So for the first few weeks, I saw a bunch of stuff from girls still trying to hang on, and we would laugh about it together. He showed and shared everything with me. And then eventually I just stopped checking. He made me feel so secure, and so safe, and so loved, that there is no need for me to look at anything. And honestly, I think that kind of trust is what will make you survive this social media age. If a guy has nothing to hide, he should have no problem with you looking at his phone whenever. It shouldn’t be a big deal. You should be able to pick up his phone just as you would pick up your phone. It’s just a stupid device. If there’s no secrets between you two then it shouldn’t be a problem. 

Now, as for the issue girls have about their boyfriends, or husbands following a bunch of Instagram models, here’s what I have to say- I don’t think it’s appropriate for a guy to follow a girl or girls he doesn’t know that post a bunch of scantily clad images if he’s in a relationship. It’s just not cool. Because you’re clearly only looking at that page to get your jollies off, and you should be doing that with your significant other. I’m not saying to never look at another beautiful girl again, because that’s not possible, it’s human nature to observe beauty, but you should have respect for the person that you’re dating, and you should be liking them and their posts and not need this outer attraction. Also, if you want to get your jollies off, do it privately with porn or something. There’s no need to hurt people. 

If you’re single guy, do whatever you want, but if you bring someone into your life, and you want to have a relationship with them, respect them. A Girl is like a flower in a field; if you’re going to pick it, then you need to take it home, put it in a vase, water it, admire it and take care of it. You don’t pick a flower out of the field, and then take it home and throw it on the counter to die. 

Homeless

I remembered today I brought him our soup while he was away I wanted him to have a peice of home while he was away . I wanted him to feel all the love I had .  But maybe it wasn’t enough . I don’t know . Maybe he didn’t love me back , I don’t know . If he did wouldn’t he not have a home with out me ?

I’m a homeless girl I know that .

saviors

It’s 11:22 pm and sometimes I come to the ledge where I’m really not ok and god pulls me back but I find myself on this ledge a lot . It really sucks

News

It’s Saturday morning about 11 am I’m sitting in my car about to go to work . It’s so hot I hate this weather . I’m looking for a new place in vista I figure this is getting me closer to the beach .

I’m writing today about God’s blessings even in times of great destruction and when you feel like your walking through a great valley God I know for me he is teaching me to trust him .

All his promises he is doing in my life . I’m making 5 times the amount of money at my new job
I am blessed with great support of friends right now . My health is doing good I’m at the gym every day . But other things still I have some deep sorrows . I spend time alone praying to God for the things I know will come and isn’t here yet . God wants me to trust him right now with my life and he’s teaching me to do that by providing me every day with new blessings . So I can have peace with trusting him with the big stuff . I know this is a process it’s hstd it’s painful and I weep a lot but in the nightmare I have this strange peace because god is proving over and over again that he is here

I just have to have faith . Now I must get out of my car in the heat blahhhhh I hate hot .
Any way hope you all have a great day .

Don’t forget this is one of my favorite verses I’ll share with you .
God will give back what the locust have eaten . That is incredible ! What destruction has Satan done in your life . God will restore it !’ Amen !!’

Empty Streets

Boxing off the fireworks
Cancel my parade
The street is empty tonight, tonight
Everything is quiet now
The city holds its breath for me
Their spirit has died, it died

Running my whole life to reach this place
And just when I arrive, the moment fades out
Will you let me?

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
And you don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I don't need an answer
But if you rewrote the past
You think you'd just leave me out, leave me out?
Or will you spin your head around in every crowded room
To see if I can be found, be found?

Every single plan you will forget
So do what makes you happy
No regrets now

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away

I remember when you asked me how far 
that I could throw this love I found
Then I heard you say you'd wait around

Stop time
Your hand in mine
Bring me closer as it all gets ripped away
And I say goodbye to the clearest eyes
You don’t want me with you
But I won't be far away
And this is goodbye, goodbye
This is goodbye, goodbye

The street is empty tonight
The street is empty tonight

Letter To The Devil

The devil pats me on the head 
I tell him to go fuck himself 
Not this time will he win 
They say I have a dark side
As he paints me black 

I  am black roses 
On a rainy morning 
Fuck these circumstances 
My sword is bigger 
Then the grave you tried to burry me in 
So laugh all you want 
I spit in the devils face 
Love is sacrifice 

God is grace 
In this miracle morning 
I will rise from the dead 

With the new promise of a better tomorrow 
Love is sacrifice 

Devil kills 
But not us 
Not us 

I Can Only Imagine .

It’s 10:41 I’m in bed it’s a Wednesday . Raigans about to leave for 2 weeks on a trip and I’m writing before I go to bed . I’m writing this because I know other people in my shoes and I found some answers I wanted to share . Maybe just maybe I can help someone out there in a world where we feel all alone where no one understands . I am lucky to have some close friends who have been through this sort of thing before but I still feel alone so maybe I can help you out there looking for answers .

Here it goes . Bear with me I’m not good with written thoughts they usually sound better in my head
This year has been riddled with pain and confusion . Honestly just the word pain does not describe it
It’s like being dragged by a car in razor blades and alcohol type of pain and the worst part is it never gets better . I’ve never known this kind of pain and I’ve been through it all . This post is how to cope and what literally saved my life so please follow me to the end .

Losing someone is hard but that’s not the hardest part . Losing someone to there own pain is what’s hard . Because you can’t help them , and there pain tears them away from you . It’s a real cluster fuck pardon my language . So you have 2 things going on . You want to help them in there pain your feeling it to . They might not know it but you love them so it’s natural . And B. You are dealing with losing them from something that is out of your control . Man this is deep . I spent 4 months losing weight , dying my hair , changing my face I went to drastic lengths to be beautiful to be perfect . To give the right love but guess what I still lost him and I lost big . I was in such a world of pain I messaged my friend and he was worried he’s never seen me so devastated . He said , Amy don’t lose it ! I thought , I am I really am . Then I remembered something .

I prayed out loud in the car that morning that God would be my anchor , that his power would reign in my life and that he needed to take control . Like for real . Here God take this broken heart . I’m losing it . God told me to watch the movie I can only imagine . I been meaning to but I was to fragile but I told God I would after work .

So here it goes . The movie a true story of a man who’s life changed by the miracle of God . I won’t ruin it but everyone should see it . In the movie he asked god to be his anchor weird right . Things happened in this movie so similar to my life and it taught me something powerful .

In my sorrow I was doubting Gods power . His power to do miracles . In my life in his life in anyone life  . God’s hands are on it he is working and it’s so hard to remember this in times of confusion and sadness .

God keeps talking to me about miracles , faith and trusting in him over and over again . God has my attention ! I was drowning you guys . Drowning in my sorrow because I was looking at the problems and the pain . But I just needed to look up . Our God is bigger . I can’t doubt this . Am I crying still ?

Yes . Because I miss him and I love him . I don’t care it’s ok to hold on to that but the difference is my eyes are on God . I prayed today I asked God if he was in the small details of our day .

Then guess what happened ? ! My friend Zach Striplin a world championship fighter wrote me a training program for my goals . I had to pay 75 bucks . I didn’t know how I would pay it . I didn’t get paid til two more weeks . But I won 100 dollars today in a contest at work ! God is good .

I also lost 4.5 inches in 10 days keep the goals going ! So when things are hard and you feel like the waves are above your head seek God . In any way you can . Prayer , mentor , bible , Christian movies like I did . God speaks just listen .

2 weeks ago I prayed for a miracle . I needed 15k in one day to beat top writer in our store . It was the last day of the month and it was dead . God said Amy do you not believe I’m doing miracles in your life ? I said ok God I believe . I got back from lunch and sold 15k this is no joke !!!!

God is telling me over and over right now he is here working . So in this terrible storm even though I cry and it hurts , I have peace . God told me he will restore all that has been lost .

So here is to what God has next . Are you ready ?

Under The Pillow (1)

Alice composed a letter
Seems to be written in ashes
As the cold winds blow .
She can’t find the note he left
Under her pillow .

It’s going to be alright it said .
And Alice searches for it .
don’t be scared I’ll be back- he said .
Don’t worry your precious head girl

And I’m taken back
I know it’s some where Alice said .
How can it be gone
How can he be gone .

I search every room
So she drowns in this ocean
The cat says I told you so
As he finishes his cigar

Alice places her head between her hands
She falls like an old mop on the floor
How can this be
She said .
As no one answers

Time

It’s 6 am on a Saturday I have to get up for work. Raigan is asleep next me , the dog is snoring and I wish I didn’t have to go today . I’m laying here thinking about time . I’m thinking about how I have 4 minutes to rest . Everything in life is bound by time . Just like love . People will say Amy there are so many fish in the sea why do you make yourself beautiful but go home every day and cry . It’s easy answer because of time . What makes love unique is the memories we shared with someone they are ours and we can’t have them with someone else . Why would I want someone else . That’s how I know I deeply loved. This person . Another thing about time is we can have a million memories but they can scar you for life in one moment one action by breaking your heart . By just not caring about you like you did for them . Even though they said they did . So what takes a life time of love can take a moment to cause the worst heart break .

I’m 40. I thought I knew who my soul mate was so much I’d bet my life on it . But in reality they would’ve respected and cared for me enough not to cause so much pain over and over and over .

Yes I may cry every day . I don’t know what time will do now . But god is in control .

New me

Re inventing myself . Oh boy oh boy . Something I’m always doing but the past 6 months has been like being dragged by a car at 90 miles an hour . 

I decided to lose the weight I had gained was first step . I wasn’t the best person I could be for myself or my boyfriend . My low self esteem had caused me to be depressed . I wanted to feel sexy and comfterable in my own skin . It was something I needed to do for me . As I set out on my journey my boyfriend set out on his own to better himself mentally and this divided our paths . Losing my true love which I still believe we will be back together later God willing has made me take a hard look at the inside me as well . 

I sought out weekly prayer and counseling . Why did I have so much self hatred . Why couldn’t I face a simple mirror . 

Here I am 45 pounds less , and still going and I am dealing with building myself inside and more importantly giving God control over my circumstances . I have a weird peace in my times of sorrow . 

I believe good things will come I have to . God and myself have come far this year and I will fight to succeed in my goals . 

If you are down I encourage you to keep the faith and take heart . Do not lose hope or love . Things will work out in the end . 

Dear God

Dear God

As I face my day in sadness I know that my hope in you will sustain my bravery . I know in my heart you will restore me and my loves relationship in time . I just know in my heart . You’ve shown me to many things . I know I have to handle things with grace and forgiveness even when I’m angry and confused . And I know right now I am in turmoil as I walk in this desert I have to trust all our lives and hearts with you and as a soldier I am worn and sad and broken hearted . But in you I am strong I have come so far to far to go back now . All I can do is pray that you take care of all of us right now and we all hear your voice and you may lead us through this dark world . I know I will meet my love again and when we do we won’t have to say good bye . In you God love and restoration will bring peace again to a devastating and broken city we called home .

Lord I walk in your strength to try to breathe today and to not cry but to smile in my faith in you that my future is my hope in you . Let us face this day in bravery forgiveness and love . Forgive me for my sadness and worry .

It’s been a Great War .


- Amy

Coma

I have these lucid dreams where I can't move a thing
Thinking of you in my bed
You were my everything
Thoughts of a wedding ring
Now I'm just better off dead (coughs)
I'll do it over again
I didn't want it to end
I watch it blow in the wind
I should've listened to my friends
Did this shit in the past
But I want it to last
You were made outta plastic (fake)
I was tangled up in your drastic ways
Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face
You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes
I gave you my heart and you made heart break - Lucid Dreams

I’m in a coma
No one can wake me
I waited for my prince
In the end he wasn’t so charming

It was just one kiss
As you begged me to wait
You said I was your forever
And now you said I was a mistake

I’m left here I’m not breathing
It’s an entirety
Of a world that was you
And me .

How could you forget
That you cried
And let me go in a letter and a stamp

There’s no words
As I lie here in bed
My mask is off
You say your sorry
As you let me go .

loss

It’s 9:30 pm not like any other night I suppose . It’s my day off and this could be a bench mark . As for goals I’m crushing those . If I look back from this time last year to now I’m a completely different person in a different place . I made it through a Great War . This is no joke . Last year I had no job I lost everything . I had a few months between jobs and I was in a severe depression I had great credit and things were good and then I lost everything . Even my car , my credit . I thought then why God was letting me go through such dark times . I was unhappy so unhappy .

I never gave up I kept going . I kept going through a terrible break up , I kept going through having no money . To now I lost everything . Here I am .

Crushing every goal . I’m thinner then I’ve been in 10 years . I love my new job , and things are going well .Its funny how we build our lives with our partner going through good and bad together , you know it’s going to last forever you build dreams together , then in an instant it’s gone .

I’m in such a fog I can’t see the fact that I’ve climbed Mount Everest I made it to the top and I’m brave . I’m strong and I did it . But I’m alone . With out you it’s not the same . I am left questioning everything . I can’t let go yet it hurts to much . Maybe it’s something I’ll always hold on to I don’t know . All I know is I’m on the mountain. I can’t stop moving forward I have to keep going . If someone does not value who I was to them , I have to keep moving somehow even if I’m crying even if I do it screaming .

Because you can’t control how others feel . You can only control what I can do
I don’t want to be that person I was last year .

This is the new me . If you don’t love me your loss . Even though it hurts like hell

Speak No Evil - Hear No Evil - See No Evil

Empathy is tricky sometimes isn’t it ? I always try first to see others actions from where they are at personally in there life . When you don’t we miss the big picture . Maybe it does not matter to some people but it’s huge in human connection . If you let me take a moment I’ll explain . It’s currently 10 pm . I just got home from work and I was reminded today of this subject by something that happened - I promised myself I would go running after work so I’ll make it as brief as I can .

Have you ever met someone at work or in a social setting you knew you hated , they just got under your skin in every way ? This happens to me I always tell myself I know they will end up being my closest friend . Why ? Seems crazy right ? Because typically I go out of my way to know this person .

Did you know that when you don’t like someone off the bat for weird unknown reasons it’s typically because they represent the parts you don’t like about yourself ? I went to an amazing life course seminar , Bill Gates sends his very own best too . I learned the people we tend to stay away from are typically the most like us . Interesting right ? I went to college to get my PHD in psychology I find it fascinating , I need to go back and finish .

The biggest part to this is , when it’s vice versa. There’s always that person spreading gossip at work trying to hurt people . Always right ? We want to be mad at them right ? I typically ignore these people , why ? Because this is where empathy comes in . People who spend a lot of time gossiping or hurting other people are typically hurting themselves . Have you ever met a happy secure person who gossips and is negative ???

I’m guessing no . We can’t control others . Why would we want to . But we can control how we view others and how we respond .

So A . We love our enemies - maybe even help them
B. We just stay clear and stay positive .

I’m telling you , this is 100 % true . Don’t take things personally .
Keep your chin up !

- Amy

Collateral Beauty - I get it

Did you see the movie Collateral Beauty ? I did last year and it didn’t make much sense to me until this year . It hit me like a pound of bricks as I was driving one day through Hemet as a short cut to get to a prayer meeting I go to every week , I saw him a man my age quite attractive talking to himself on the side of the rode . He was clearly homeless and on drugs . I thought to myself how sad he is someone’s son , maybe a dad or a husband . Here he is lost . I began to cry .

Collateral Beautyis the ripples we are left with after a great tragedy .We see the very fabric of life instead of drive by it . We feel it . I myself went through some astounding tragedies a big one just the past few months - past year . I realize I slotted every bad thing away like a notecard and now each one pops up I’m left to read them every day .

I know what addiction does to families . I know what pain is and abandonment , I know what it means to invest everything you are and to be taken to hell instead of the dreams you built together .

In the great tragedy we feel every breath we breathe because the pain is so great , there is a bond to eveything around us to heal and to love so we may find healing and love . It’s the worst place to be in this kind of pain is unlike anything you would even wish on an enemy but you view the world differently and you see the beauty in the ashes . To me this is a gift . It takes a special person to love the broken . To see things with out judgement to see beyond the eyes of a lost crowd . You see it with the humility of your own pain .

Maybe I’ll learn to guard my heart better . Not let someone take it and burn it to the ground with absolutely no regard . Maybe I’ll learn to demand respect and take nothing less . Learn to not let someone abuse me like a throw away doll after I gave my world . I’m sure there is a better way .

But there is collateral beauty . We just have to look for it . Reach out to the hurting and to the broken
If your uninspired then inspire someone . If your sad , serve people .

I don’t know what all I needed to say except the love you give to others is the love you keep . Not the other way around .

Becareful who you give your heart too .

Conclusion

I’m cut in half 

Trying to breathe 

Alone in this world 

Where you promised forever 

The pain is hot metal to the skin 

To drowned in our dreams 

And it’s silent 

I try to let it go 

It’s like ripping out my bones 

But I have come to the conclusion 

You didn’t love me 

And I’m branded by wounds 

I walk In the night 

Asking myself how it went wrong 

What I did to make you leave 

It’s ruthless the way my heart hurts 

There is nothing I can do 

You left me here alone . 

I don’t know the truth 

I don’t know what your love meant 

And I’m lost in a crowd for a while 

They tell me not to cry 

But this is my reality 

As the weeks come and go 

And you are no where to be found 

Taking A Break

The big break . 

Right now I’m not in a good place . My life is in a good place but mentally I’m not . I’m learning to give things to God but also I’m realizing this isn’t helping with my pain or answers I don’t have . 

I know I need to find joy in God because he is in control . This is the part I need to work on . Even though people go with no answers and we’re left confused and hurting , I have to trust in God’s plan . I’m not doing very good at this I’m still crying every day . 

Maybe when you love someone that’s normal . It’s normal just to simply love 

Either way I’m taking a break from writing and social media for a while . 

To try to find my way out of this dark grieving hole . Find any light . 

When it’s to Rough

It’s Saturday . I just got home from work and it’s 10 pm no call today no letter . With each passing day it only gets harder . The only saving grace I have is putting my trust in God for the outcome . If I didn’t have this in God I would be such a mess I don’t think I could work . Taking it day by day seems like I’m just learning to breathe each day . Today at work I broke my tooth on wall art . I was told by a supervisor I shouldn’t tell my goals it may offend people . I said I shouldn’t be hungry to sell to want more ? I’m a single mom . He said you don’t look humble . What does striving to do your job have to do with humility ? Best part is I’m the most humble person on earth . Do they know I turn in change just to buy food because I have to get ahead . I have no cash . If I don’t work hard I don’t survive .   Man the haters . Not to mention every time I sell something I give God the glory never myself . As you can see today was frustrating . None of it has to do with Gods blessings they can’t stop his will for my life . Good thing I inspire myself .


I see couples come in all day , it ruins my day . I just miss him so much it kills me inside and I imagine I have to accept this pain . I can’t change it all I can do is pray and trust in God

I’m home alone it’s late and my mouth hurts . No one can make me give up . It’s just like my diet everyone gives me a hard time for eating healthy .

Doesn’t anyone have goals ? Man nothing can stop me .
I might just might cry myself to sleep tonight missing him so much but I know we’re both in Gods hands right now .

Chin up Amy .

Your doing great !

- Me

It Happened First Time

For the first time in my life I had to love someone enough to let them go so they can focus on themselves . Loving someone more than my own needs more than my fears has been difficult 

But that’s real love . Real love is not co dependent it’s letting someone get what they need . The scary part is what if they never come back ? The reeling questions that keep me up at night and crying every day in my car . 

Missing everything comes with that too . I miss you . I think in this terrible journey that has tested my strength and bravery I’ve learned what love could be and love I can give . 

Hopefully giving it to God , you come back to us . I’m working to be the best person I can be . It’s all I can do to keep my mind off you being gone . 

Just know that I love you . 

Last Night

She prayed - 

Jesus bring him back with flowers and a ring so he Marries my mama . She prays that he will be fixed and come home . 

It’s a solitude of hell 

A smile that’s a bold face lie 

Facing the crowd 

I’m no brave face 

Not even good at hiding 

They know I’m not ok . 

There’s anger in my heart 

There’s pain . 

With out you 

I’m lost In this room 

Sullen eyes . 

They say I’m beautiful 

As I hide behind this mask 

What did I do to make him go 

They say he does not deserve you 

I can’t let him go . 

There’s a battle in this storm 

Nothing is alright 

I remember your smile 

That night 

Like an arrow in my heart 

Can’t be removed . 

I walk in the fog 

One step in front of the other 

Blind 

Asking god to guide me . 

Nothing is alright 

They say things get better with time 

I say it’s a lie . 

But what can I do . 

Except fake this smile . 

Just Above The Waves

God ordered me to step out of the boat . The sky is dark and the storm is bigger than I could ever imagine . I’m typically a brave risk taker . But this one had me scared and my heart was here in this boat . God said walk Amy 

I clenched the sides with my dear life 

If I walk I leave behind everything in this boat to God . I have to let go all of my control and trust God with everything . I had all these bags packed you see . Why would I leave all that was dear to me in this boat in this storm ? My heart was ripping in two and I cried like I never have before 

God I can’t let go ?!! He said Amy I command you to walk . But God ! 

The water is deep ! The waves are so high ! What if I lose everything  ?!!! 

I screamed in the midst of the storm but who could hear me ? It was me and God in the darkness . If I walk I have to put all my faith in you God to not sink in these waters . I’ve been through great trials but did he know what he was asking me to do ? 

They were all there in that boat everyone I loved , my hopes my dreams , 

As tears poured down my face . With every ounce of courage I had left I took the first step . 

I’m now in the middle of the ocean here in God’s lap . Gut wrenching pain looking back on my boat . Looking up to God begging him to make it all ok . 

Never have I been on such a hard road before . But now I know I can’t move a step with out God telling me where to go . 

On my 40th birthday I cried so hard on my way to work I almost had to pull over . Have you ever had a moment like this ? 

God bring him back to me I said ! God bring me finances ! God save me . 

I look around here I am in the middle . 

I have to trust God . Then this song came on by Hillsong called Oceans 

How perfect it was . So here we go on this journey . My hand in yours . 

Hillsong - Oceans - 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

The Big 40

One year ago today I was sitting on a beach writing a list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2017. With my love . This was my 39th birthday . I’m now turning 40 I’ve never felt more alone . Not because I’m single but because he’s not here . We accomplished pretty much everything on our list we were pretty good at finding things to do or Crazy new ideas whether they worked out or not . 

One night we drove to the beach we wanted to go to blacks beach . It was late and dark but we were determined to find it . I put it in my navigation which led us to a cliff that over looked the darkness of a world we couldn’t see . Yeah it was down there but it was to dark to get to , so we headed home.

It was nice going home to his place it meant watching one of our Netflix series and cuddling under tons of blankets after we made the room really cold . Or listening to old punk music and talking all night . What ever it was we found a home with in each other . Even when we fought we couldn’t be apart more than a day . It was mad love . I remember one time we got into a fight and I canceled our evening plans , he called me over and over until I agreed to work the argument out . This is why I loved him 

One time we got into a fight for 4 days and it seemed like an eternity of way to long we were apart . Now tomorrow I turn 40. He is not here to write new list for this year . 2018 started out with some tragic losses . And it does not mean that I can’t finish my goals this year . Every year on my birthday I write about the coming year . So I can reflect each year from where I was at to where I went . 

I hope this year is the best year ever . I have a simple list I pray every night I just pray for those things to come to pass soon . I learned in my sorrow to give things to God and this is hard to when your hurting . But only god can fix the broken things . 

I pray this year brings healing and new opportunity with my great new job . I pray my muscles get bigger including my booty . I’m thank ful for my friends they give love and support . 

Maybe on my 41st birthday we can write a new list . I pray these things come to pass but for now I’ll meet tomorrow alone with courage and bravery to a new year . Saying good bye to my 30’s . 

Happy Birthday to me . 

Without You .

They wouldn’t know it to look at me at all , all that I’m hiding inside . Behind my eyes and fading smile deep in the darkest parts of me there is you . 

Like a blanket under a warm tree empty and waiting for a home . 

Like a deep ocean of sorrow now that your gone . 

There’s always the tears waiting at the surface. But they don’t know it . Do you know it . It’s a battle I fight to win every day to get through sun rise and sunset with out you here . 

One step at a time I say . I try to lift at the gym to ease the pain or pray or think about you every night . But your there . Your every where and that’s ok because at least your still with me . In some way . 

But no one knows . I’m a walking dead man with out you . Hiding behind this fading smile . 

Why I’ll Never Stop Loving You

It’s Friday ! Things are like a wave up and down and the only thing I have that is steady is God . He’s like my safety boat in this storm . I’m holding on for dear life friends . 

An old friend ask me yesterday why don’t you give up on love ? Or the love I feel ? At first this irritated me so much . But then again everyone’s perspective is driven from where they are they are at within themselves . 

I’m not out looking for love my heart is not open for that . But I do love someone . For Gods sakes I’m not letting that love go . Why ? Because it’s real . Even though at the present moment we are not together believe me my heart is with him . Maybe he won’t return . That’s in God’s hands but my heart is still with him . 

So back to my friends question . Why don’t you let love go ? Well here is your answer : true love never fails . It’s patient . Love is forgiving it keeps no records of wrongs . Love is unconditional . Perfect love well it isn’t perfect . We go through life it’s hard . Very hard . We don’t know where we will land or what God’s purpose is but that does not make me love less . 

So my friend what love have you let go of ? Or who has let go of you may be the question . I’m here in the mud of life in great loss of a best friend . I don’t love him less in my loss I love him the same . 

I’ve learned love is forgiveness . Love is a choice . I don’t know what the ending is . But what I do know is that I’m brave . My heart is brave . I’m not perfect but my courage to love will never die . 

I’m No Loser - Neither Are You

It’s Wednesday night , I just got home from work . I thought about how to write this blog on my hour long drive home . I came up with nothing . Just a basic idea of the most important thing in my life I need to share . I’m a writer but most importantly I try to be a visionary . One who can change others futures from my past . I’m listening to A Day To Remember . One of the best bands out there . I’m turning 40 on Monday.  There are only 2 certainty’s in life that I know and my life is half over . I’m 40 and single and heart broken . But this has nothing to do with this blog . I still have no clue how to put this together in an elegant way . 

I grew up in a very religious and judge-mental home,Everything was right or wrong . Your either good or bad . 

I realized as a teenager there is a huge grey area . The one my parents never taught me . That was called love and forgiveness . And those 2 things by mercy right all our wrongs . 

As a 10 year old rape victim you learn really quick about the evil world around you . And as a 16 year old you learn to ease the pain through white lines snorted up your nose after school . How else did they think a little girl could live through the fact that her virginity was stolen from her . She was ugly , dirty and unloved . 

Her world was quickly divided and was searching for acceptance . There was no room for right and wrong she just needed love . 

Fast forward to adult years and almost dying of a drug over dose I thank god he saved my life and I quit all of that and turned to God . But the love part was still a bit of smoke and mirrors for me . 

In my journey I learned to love people for who they were . Life was not right or wrong . People needed to be loved . 

No one saved me. Maybe my love could save someone . That didn’t work out either . Because it was never returned and I was hurting . 

It’s funny , I’m 40 on Monday . I lost my love and best friend to addiction 

People say Amy how could you love a loser ? Black and white right . 

I hate these people . I quickly think back to the lost little girl on drugs who was raped , was she a loser ? Am I a loser now ? Did I not deserve love ? 

Nothing enraged me more then when they call him names . Same people have so many sins why are they better? I’m not condoning being with an addict or an abusive person . This is simply about loving people for where they are at . Because if no one loved me when I was using I would be dead right now . I hate judge mental pricks . All of them . What about I hear - I’m not helping homeless people they just want drugs they deserve to be homeless ! 

Oh my gosh . These are broken hearted people . Every one breaks differently . Who is better than anyone else ? It makes my stomach hurt . 

My boyfriend was and is a beautiful person . Even though are paths are diverged . I have no idea what future holds , I’m writing this blog about loving people for who they are . 

Life is not black and white or right and wrong . God came to save the world 

He didn’t say : not you loser ! 

No he said come and let me give you life . He forgave my rapist . He forgave me and he forgives anyone who comes to him and repents and gives there life to him. 

God calls us to love . I’m tired of the fake lives people lead because there so afraid of judgement . The world is so afraid to love . We are all wounded and we all sin . No one is immune from it . So if he is a loser we are all losers. 

The only 2 things I know in life are love unconditionally . Forgive . And be strong Gods hope is real for our future 

Today I cried for so long in my car . My heart is still so broken . It’s ok I loved someone with all my heart and soul 

I never cheated , I was loyal it was real 

And the loss is great . Today I thought and prayed to God and said how God does the pain just go away ? 

I begged god to make the pain stop . 

But it’s real . It’s there . And you manage it through your day . I’m not a God . I have to trust him . It’s hard . Trust him to heal me , him and anyone who reads this . So we never go through this pain again . 

But remember what ever someone is going through - they deserve love . 

Just like you and I do  . Pray it all turns out ok . 

- Amy 

Daily reminder

Daily reminder - 

If they want to talk to you they will 

If they want to see you they will 

If they want to do things with you they will 

If they want to make things work they will . 

Don’t do things one sided it’s not healthy it’s not fair to you . 

Don’t settle

Said I Let you go - but I never did

The pain is heavy

Like the traffic on this Tuesday morning 

You told me to hold on 

You told me to let go 

It’s this place you left me in 

Empty and bleeding 

I’m alone 

Floating here 

I tried to never let you down 

Told you to never look down 

Now we’re frozen in time 

You tell me to let go 

I remember yesterday 

You told me to hold on . 

Love is heavy in the air 

Like yesterday 

I can’t find tomorrow 

With out you here 

How did we get here 

Hands letting go in the crowd 

Seems senseless 

Cupid’s arrow 

Lost in my lungs 

With your name on it 

And I hold you here 

Tears run like rain 

Heavy in my throat 

As I say your name 

And I say I let you go 

But I never did 

Letter to him

I have this dream every night that you are here . And you love me . And it’s so real the way you lay next to me and hold my hands like before . Like it was meant to be . And I lie there and smile 

As you kiss my cheek I know there is no where else I would rather be . 

Then as the sun comes up I wake and realize I’m alone . 

Cheers

It’s just a book of pages 

Smudged with fingers and trampled in your blood 

It’s my legence to you 

In these letters , you toss on the ground . 

I walk with my sword you take for granted . 

I can’t tell 

I can’t tell 

If you loved me . 

And I sit against the wind 

An army at my back 

I call your name 

I scream . 

No reply’s left 

Nothing’s gained 

What can I do I’m bound to your yesterday 

I’m bound to your future 

You set it on fire 

Say good bye 

I pledge my legence to you 

All these letters bound 

You can’t hear me 

How did you turn your back on me 

We were in it together . 

If only he loved me back 

But I couldn’t tell 

As he devoted his final good bye 

To the last page of this book 

And it goes for miles . 

I gave my life for you 

I gave my heart for you . 

So here’s to justice 

I hope your happy with yourself 

And when I’m falling 

Your not there 

And when your falling I’m not there 

But it’s what you chose . 

I pledge my legence to myself . 

As you hold your own hands . 

I mean it’s just a book 

Full of pages 

Smudged in tears . 

Dear Diary for 40

May 12 2018. 

Dear Diary . 

It’s 7 pm on a Saturday . I just got home from work . I decided today to do a benchmark journal for where I will be one year from now . And where I am since one year ago exactly . 

Joy filled my heart today , as I drove to work I realized last year at this time I had no job . I was depressed and hated myself . None of my goals were getting accomplished not one . This was not like me at all . I had lost every single thing I worked hard for and was in a dark place and ashamed . 

This year I’m in a great job and it might take time but my finances will get back on track , I’m getting my body back , my faith and trust in God are in the right place , my love life I think is getting healthier or is on a healthy path . We’re both getting healthy hopefully we find each other again as a whole . This part has been hardest for me . But once again god is in control of our lives . All I can do is pray for what belongs in my life will be in my life .  I feel better inside and out like I’m getting back to myself and better . I’m turning 40 this month and boy has the past year been hard but I’m not going down with out a fight . 

I’ll look my best this year . Make the most this year . And love unconditionally this year . I pray by 2019 I’ll actually be able to say everything turned out alright . In my times of sadness God has brought me amazing friends to support me . God is good in times of sadness . This is my bench mark of complete health emotional and physical . And to keep it going and to stay strong . 

Even when it’s really hard . Boy we’ve come so far and that in its self is a blessing . 

Tonight -

It’s 11 pm on a Thursday night . Today was an ordinary day . My days off typically consist of gym , tan , laundry and spend my evenings with Raigan . 

These past few weeks have been extremely stressful . So stressful I hide in work to try to feel better . But tonight my chest pains hurt more then ever and they are on the right side of my back below my shoulder blade . 

Worst I’ve ever felt . As I’m laying here in pain contemplating the hospital I took 2 aspirin . I figure if I die I die . 

Lately God has shown me he is taking the wheel of my life . So I shouldn’t worry about these stressful things in my life . But sometimes things are hard and it comes through to our bodies like our hearts . 

I’m laying in bed I’m tired . I have to be up early in the morning . I have a lot on my mind . My chest is in so much pain 

I’m going to try to pray for a while . Pray things turn out ok . Ok today and for tomorrow . I’ve had gains and great losses lately . I just need a break . 

And a break I will not get . If I could just get an extra thousand dollars catch up on my bills or no the answers of what’s really in some peoples hearts . But I didn’t win the lottery and I’m no mind reader . So I pray I survive tonight . To fight hard . To be free of burdens . God bless me and my family 

Good night . 

Lake Side

I know where the car is parked I know where the cupboards are - Tori Amos 

It’s the last breath in my sail 

Traveling in circles 

Waiting for you . 

There’s a cloud in my eyes 

And I’m pointed West . 

Tell me 

Where to go next . 

But it’s clear 

My anchor is here 

With you . 

I’ll send you a message in a bottle 

Written and transcribed 

I love you . 

I’m not sure how I ended up here 

Stranded . 

My lungs broken 

Taking in time like razor blades 

Never knowing if you will find me here 

Puffy red lips 

Iris set for the sunrise 

You are the sunset . 

I’m a mighty sailor 

They said 

I’m brave 

They said 

She’s beautiful 

They said . 

It’s getting cold out here 

Radio is lost 

And I’m banking on Jesus to get us through the storm . 

And the coast is clear 

With my sunglasses on 

I wait for 

You . 

Stamps

Tattooed in the hearts of men 

Through post cards and broad strokes of letters 

I thought of you today like at any moment 

You cross the miles through my restless mind . 

I’m here in this desert alone . 

No one to call my home . 

No messages and it’s clear 

How I sink my lips on coffee cups 

And unsaid words 

And my heart is sold 

The sign is old 

Can you meet me here ? 

As I walk this road . 

I can’t see in the storm 

In glass cages 

Blindfolded .