New me

Re inventing myself . Oh boy oh boy . Something I’m always doing but the past 6 months has been like being dragged by a car at 90 miles an hour . 

I decided to lose the weight I had gained was first step . I wasn’t the best person I could be for myself or my boyfriend . My low self esteem had caused me to be depressed . I wanted to feel sexy and comfterable in my own skin . It was something I needed to do for me . As I set out on my journey my boyfriend set out on his own to better himself mentally and this divided our paths . Losing my true love which I still believe we will be back together later God willing has made me take a hard look at the inside me as well . 

I sought out weekly prayer and counseling . Why did I have so much self hatred . Why couldn’t I face a simple mirror . 

Here I am 45 pounds less , and still going and I am dealing with building myself inside and more importantly giving God control over my circumstances . I have a weird peace in my times of sorrow . 

I believe good things will come I have to . God and myself have come far this year and I will fight to succeed in my goals . 

If you are down I encourage you to keep the faith and take heart . Do not lose hope or love . Things will work out in the end . 

Dear God

Dear God

As I face my day in sadness I know that my hope in you will sustain my bravery . I know in my heart you will restore me and my loves relationship in time . I just know in my heart . You’ve shown me to many things . I know I have to handle things with grace and forgiveness even when I’m angry and confused . And I know right now I am in turmoil as I walk in this desert I have to trust all our lives and hearts with you and as a soldier I am worn and sad and broken hearted . But in you I am strong I have come so far to far to go back now . All I can do is pray that you take care of all of us right now and we all hear your voice and you may lead us through this dark world . I know I will meet my love again and when we do we won’t have to say good bye . In you God love and restoration will bring peace again to a devastating and broken city we called home .

Lord I walk in your strength to try to breathe today and to not cry but to smile in my faith in you that my future is my hope in you . Let us face this day in bravery forgiveness and love . Forgive me for my sadness and worry .

It’s been a Great War .


- Amy

Coma

I have these lucid dreams where I can't move a thing
Thinking of you in my bed
You were my everything
Thoughts of a wedding ring
Now I'm just better off dead (coughs)
I'll do it over again
I didn't want it to end
I watch it blow in the wind
I should've listened to my friends
Did this shit in the past
But I want it to last
You were made outta plastic (fake)
I was tangled up in your drastic ways
Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face
You gave me a heart that was full of mistakes
I gave you my heart and you made heart break - Lucid Dreams

I’m in a coma
No one can wake me
I waited for my prince
In the end he wasn’t so charming

It was just one kiss
As you begged me to wait
You said I was your forever
And now you said I was a mistake

I’m left here I’m not breathing
It’s an entirety
Of a world that was you
And me .

How could you forget
That you cried
And let me go in a letter and a stamp

There’s no words
As I lie here in bed
My mask is off
You say your sorry
As you let me go .

loss

It’s 9:30 pm not like any other night I suppose . It’s my day off and this could be a bench mark . As for goals I’m crushing those . If I look back from this time last year to now I’m a completely different person in a different place . I made it through a Great War . This is no joke . Last year I had no job I lost everything . I had a few months between jobs and I was in a severe depression I had great credit and things were good and then I lost everything . Even my car , my credit . I thought then why God was letting me go through such dark times . I was unhappy so unhappy .

I never gave up I kept going . I kept going through a terrible break up , I kept going through having no money . To now I lost everything . Here I am .

Crushing every goal . I’m thinner then I’ve been in 10 years . I love my new job , and things are going well .Its funny how we build our lives with our partner going through good and bad together , you know it’s going to last forever you build dreams together , then in an instant it’s gone .

I’m in such a fog I can’t see the fact that I’ve climbed Mount Everest I made it to the top and I’m brave . I’m strong and I did it . But I’m alone . With out you it’s not the same . I am left questioning everything . I can’t let go yet it hurts to much . Maybe it’s something I’ll always hold on to I don’t know . All I know is I’m on the mountain. I can’t stop moving forward I have to keep going . If someone does not value who I was to them , I have to keep moving somehow even if I’m crying even if I do it screaming .

Because you can’t control how others feel . You can only control what I can do
I don’t want to be that person I was last year .

This is the new me . If you don’t love me your loss . Even though it hurts like hell

Speak No Evil - Hear No Evil - See No Evil

Empathy is tricky sometimes isn’t it ? I always try first to see others actions from where they are at personally in there life . When you don’t we miss the big picture . Maybe it does not matter to some people but it’s huge in human connection . If you let me take a moment I’ll explain . It’s currently 10 pm . I just got home from work and I was reminded today of this subject by something that happened - I promised myself I would go running after work so I’ll make it as brief as I can .

Have you ever met someone at work or in a social setting you knew you hated , they just got under your skin in every way ? This happens to me I always tell myself I know they will end up being my closest friend . Why ? Seems crazy right ? Because typically I go out of my way to know this person .

Did you know that when you don’t like someone off the bat for weird unknown reasons it’s typically because they represent the parts you don’t like about yourself ? I went to an amazing life course seminar , Bill Gates sends his very own best too . I learned the people we tend to stay away from are typically the most like us . Interesting right ? I went to college to get my PHD in psychology I find it fascinating , I need to go back and finish .

The biggest part to this is , when it’s vice versa. There’s always that person spreading gossip at work trying to hurt people . Always right ? We want to be mad at them right ? I typically ignore these people , why ? Because this is where empathy comes in . People who spend a lot of time gossiping or hurting other people are typically hurting themselves . Have you ever met a happy secure person who gossips and is negative ???

I’m guessing no . We can’t control others . Why would we want to . But we can control how we view others and how we respond .

So A . We love our enemies - maybe even help them
B. We just stay clear and stay positive .

I’m telling you , this is 100 % true . Don’t take things personally .
Keep your chin up !

- Amy

Collateral Beauty - I get it

Did you see the movie Collateral Beauty ? I did last year and it didn’t make much sense to me until this year . It hit me like a pound of bricks as I was driving one day through Hemet as a short cut to get to a prayer meeting I go to every week , I saw him a man my age quite attractive talking to himself on the side of the rode . He was clearly homeless and on drugs . I thought to myself how sad he is someone’s son , maybe a dad or a husband . Here he is lost . I began to cry .

Collateral Beautyis the ripples we are left with after a great tragedy .We see the very fabric of life instead of drive by it . We feel it . I myself went through some astounding tragedies a big one just the past few months - past year . I realize I slotted every bad thing away like a notecard and now each one pops up I’m left to read them every day .

I know what addiction does to families . I know what pain is and abandonment , I know what it means to invest everything you are and to be taken to hell instead of the dreams you built together .

In the great tragedy we feel every breath we breathe because the pain is so great , there is a bond to eveything around us to heal and to love so we may find healing and love . It’s the worst place to be in this kind of pain is unlike anything you would even wish on an enemy but you view the world differently and you see the beauty in the ashes . To me this is a gift . It takes a special person to love the broken . To see things with out judgement to see beyond the eyes of a lost crowd . You see it with the humility of your own pain .

Maybe I’ll learn to guard my heart better . Not let someone take it and burn it to the ground with absolutely no regard . Maybe I’ll learn to demand respect and take nothing less . Learn to not let someone abuse me like a throw away doll after I gave my world . I’m sure there is a better way .

But there is collateral beauty . We just have to look for it . Reach out to the hurting and to the broken
If your uninspired then inspire someone . If your sad , serve people .

I don’t know what all I needed to say except the love you give to others is the love you keep . Not the other way around .

Becareful who you give your heart too .

Conclusion

I’m cut in half 

Trying to breathe 

Alone in this world 

Where you promised forever 

The pain is hot metal to the skin 

To drowned in our dreams 

And it’s silent 

I try to let it go 

It’s like ripping out my bones 

But I have come to the conclusion 

You didn’t love me 

And I’m branded by wounds 

I walk In the night 

Asking myself how it went wrong 

What I did to make you leave 

It’s ruthless the way my heart hurts 

There is nothing I can do 

You left me here alone . 

I don’t know the truth 

I don’t know what your love meant 

And I’m lost in a crowd for a while 

They tell me not to cry 

But this is my reality 

As the weeks come and go 

And you are no where to be found 

Taking A Break

The big break . 

Right now I’m not in a good place . My life is in a good place but mentally I’m not . I’m learning to give things to God but also I’m realizing this isn’t helping with my pain or answers I don’t have . 

I know I need to find joy in God because he is in control . This is the part I need to work on . Even though people go with no answers and we’re left confused and hurting , I have to trust in God’s plan . I’m not doing very good at this I’m still crying every day . 

Maybe when you love someone that’s normal . It’s normal just to simply love 

Either way I’m taking a break from writing and social media for a while . 

To try to find my way out of this dark grieving hole . Find any light . 

When it’s to Rough

It’s Saturday . I just got home from work and it’s 10 pm no call today no letter . With each passing day it only gets harder . The only saving grace I have is putting my trust in God for the outcome . If I didn’t have this in God I would be such a mess I don’t think I could work . Taking it day by day seems like I’m just learning to breathe each day . Today at work I broke my tooth on wall art . I was told by a supervisor I shouldn’t tell my goals it may offend people . I said I shouldn’t be hungry to sell to want more ? I’m a single mom . He said you don’t look humble . What does striving to do your job have to do with humility ? Best part is I’m the most humble person on earth . Do they know I turn in change just to buy food because I have to get ahead . I have no cash . If I don’t work hard I don’t survive .   Man the haters . Not to mention every time I sell something I give God the glory never myself . As you can see today was frustrating . None of it has to do with Gods blessings they can’t stop his will for my life . Good thing I inspire myself .


I see couples come in all day , it ruins my day . I just miss him so much it kills me inside and I imagine I have to accept this pain . I can’t change it all I can do is pray and trust in God

I’m home alone it’s late and my mouth hurts . No one can make me give up . It’s just like my diet everyone gives me a hard time for eating healthy .

Doesn’t anyone have goals ? Man nothing can stop me .
I might just might cry myself to sleep tonight missing him so much but I know we’re both in Gods hands right now .

Chin up Amy .

Your doing great !

- Me

It Happened First Time

For the first time in my life I had to love someone enough to let them go so they can focus on themselves . Loving someone more than my own needs more than my fears has been difficult 

But that’s real love . Real love is not co dependent it’s letting someone get what they need . The scary part is what if they never come back ? The reeling questions that keep me up at night and crying every day in my car . 

Missing everything comes with that too . I miss you . I think in this terrible journey that has tested my strength and bravery I’ve learned what love could be and love I can give . 

Hopefully giving it to God , you come back to us . I’m working to be the best person I can be . It’s all I can do to keep my mind off you being gone . 

Just know that I love you . 

Last Night

She prayed - 

Jesus bring him back with flowers and a ring so he Marries my mama . She prays that he will be fixed and come home . 

It’s a solitude of hell 

A smile that’s a bold face lie 

Facing the crowd 

I’m no brave face 

Not even good at hiding 

They know I’m not ok . 

There’s anger in my heart 

There’s pain . 

With out you 

I’m lost In this room 

Sullen eyes . 

They say I’m beautiful 

As I hide behind this mask 

What did I do to make him go 

They say he does not deserve you 

I can’t let him go . 

There’s a battle in this storm 

Nothing is alright 

I remember your smile 

That night 

Like an arrow in my heart 

Can’t be removed . 

I walk in the fog 

One step in front of the other 

Blind 

Asking god to guide me . 

Nothing is alright 

They say things get better with time 

I say it’s a lie . 

But what can I do . 

Except fake this smile . 

Just Above The Waves

God ordered me to step out of the boat . The sky is dark and the storm is bigger than I could ever imagine . I’m typically a brave risk taker . But this one had me scared and my heart was here in this boat . God said walk Amy 

I clenched the sides with my dear life 

If I walk I leave behind everything in this boat to God . I have to let go all of my control and trust God with everything . I had all these bags packed you see . Why would I leave all that was dear to me in this boat in this storm ? My heart was ripping in two and I cried like I never have before 

God I can’t let go ?!! He said Amy I command you to walk . But God ! 

The water is deep ! The waves are so high ! What if I lose everything  ?!!! 

I screamed in the midst of the storm but who could hear me ? It was me and God in the darkness . If I walk I have to put all my faith in you God to not sink in these waters . I’ve been through great trials but did he know what he was asking me to do ? 

They were all there in that boat everyone I loved , my hopes my dreams , 

As tears poured down my face . With every ounce of courage I had left I took the first step . 

I’m now in the middle of the ocean here in God’s lap . Gut wrenching pain looking back on my boat . Looking up to God begging him to make it all ok . 

Never have I been on such a hard road before . But now I know I can’t move a step with out God telling me where to go . 

On my 40th birthday I cried so hard on my way to work I almost had to pull over . Have you ever had a moment like this ? 

God bring him back to me I said ! God bring me finances ! God save me . 

I look around here I am in the middle . 

I have to trust God . Then this song came on by Hillsong called Oceans 

How perfect it was . So here we go on this journey . My hand in yours . 

Hillsong - Oceans - 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

The Big 40

One year ago today I was sitting on a beach writing a list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2017. With my love . This was my 39th birthday . I’m now turning 40 I’ve never felt more alone . Not because I’m single but because he’s not here . We accomplished pretty much everything on our list we were pretty good at finding things to do or Crazy new ideas whether they worked out or not . 

One night we drove to the beach we wanted to go to blacks beach . It was late and dark but we were determined to find it . I put it in my navigation which led us to a cliff that over looked the darkness of a world we couldn’t see . Yeah it was down there but it was to dark to get to , so we headed home.

It was nice going home to his place it meant watching one of our Netflix series and cuddling under tons of blankets after we made the room really cold . Or listening to old punk music and talking all night . What ever it was we found a home with in each other . Even when we fought we couldn’t be apart more than a day . It was mad love . I remember one time we got into a fight and I canceled our evening plans , he called me over and over until I agreed to work the argument out . This is why I loved him 

One time we got into a fight for 4 days and it seemed like an eternity of way to long we were apart . Now tomorrow I turn 40. He is not here to write new list for this year . 2018 started out with some tragic losses . And it does not mean that I can’t finish my goals this year . Every year on my birthday I write about the coming year . So I can reflect each year from where I was at to where I went . 

I hope this year is the best year ever . I have a simple list I pray every night I just pray for those things to come to pass soon . I learned in my sorrow to give things to God and this is hard to when your hurting . But only god can fix the broken things . 

I pray this year brings healing and new opportunity with my great new job . I pray my muscles get bigger including my booty . I’m thank ful for my friends they give love and support . 

Maybe on my 41st birthday we can write a new list . I pray these things come to pass but for now I’ll meet tomorrow alone with courage and bravery to a new year . Saying good bye to my 30’s . 

Happy Birthday to me . 

Without You .

They wouldn’t know it to look at me at all , all that I’m hiding inside . Behind my eyes and fading smile deep in the darkest parts of me there is you . 

Like a blanket under a warm tree empty and waiting for a home . 

Like a deep ocean of sorrow now that your gone . 

There’s always the tears waiting at the surface. But they don’t know it . Do you know it . It’s a battle I fight to win every day to get through sun rise and sunset with out you here . 

One step at a time I say . I try to lift at the gym to ease the pain or pray or think about you every night . But your there . Your every where and that’s ok because at least your still with me . In some way . 

But no one knows . I’m a walking dead man with out you . Hiding behind this fading smile . 

Why I’ll Never Stop Loving You

It’s Friday ! Things are like a wave up and down and the only thing I have that is steady is God . He’s like my safety boat in this storm . I’m holding on for dear life friends . 

An old friend ask me yesterday why don’t you give up on love ? Or the love I feel ? At first this irritated me so much . But then again everyone’s perspective is driven from where they are they are at within themselves . 

I’m not out looking for love my heart is not open for that . But I do love someone . For Gods sakes I’m not letting that love go . Why ? Because it’s real . Even though at the present moment we are not together believe me my heart is with him . Maybe he won’t return . That’s in God’s hands but my heart is still with him . 

So back to my friends question . Why don’t you let love go ? Well here is your answer : true love never fails . It’s patient . Love is forgiving it keeps no records of wrongs . Love is unconditional . Perfect love well it isn’t perfect . We go through life it’s hard . Very hard . We don’t know where we will land or what God’s purpose is but that does not make me love less . 

So my friend what love have you let go of ? Or who has let go of you may be the question . I’m here in the mud of life in great loss of a best friend . I don’t love him less in my loss I love him the same . 

I’ve learned love is forgiveness . Love is a choice . I don’t know what the ending is . But what I do know is that I’m brave . My heart is brave . I’m not perfect but my courage to love will never die . 

I’m No Loser - Neither Are You

It’s Wednesday night , I just got home from work . I thought about how to write this blog on my hour long drive home . I came up with nothing . Just a basic idea of the most important thing in my life I need to share . I’m a writer but most importantly I try to be a visionary . One who can change others futures from my past . I’m listening to A Day To Remember . One of the best bands out there . I’m turning 40 on Monday.  There are only 2 certainty’s in life that I know and my life is half over . I’m 40 and single and heart broken . But this has nothing to do with this blog . I still have no clue how to put this together in an elegant way . 

I grew up in a very religious and judge-mental home,Everything was right or wrong . Your either good or bad . 

I realized as a teenager there is a huge grey area . The one my parents never taught me . That was called love and forgiveness . And those 2 things by mercy right all our wrongs . 

As a 10 year old rape victim you learn really quick about the evil world around you . And as a 16 year old you learn to ease the pain through white lines snorted up your nose after school . How else did they think a little girl could live through the fact that her virginity was stolen from her . She was ugly , dirty and unloved . 

Her world was quickly divided and was searching for acceptance . There was no room for right and wrong she just needed love . 

Fast forward to adult years and almost dying of a drug over dose I thank god he saved my life and I quit all of that and turned to God . But the love part was still a bit of smoke and mirrors for me . 

In my journey I learned to love people for who they were . Life was not right or wrong . People needed to be loved . 

No one saved me. Maybe my love could save someone . That didn’t work out either . Because it was never returned and I was hurting . 

It’s funny , I’m 40 on Monday . I lost my love and best friend to addiction 

People say Amy how could you love a loser ? Black and white right . 

I hate these people . I quickly think back to the lost little girl on drugs who was raped , was she a loser ? Am I a loser now ? Did I not deserve love ? 

Nothing enraged me more then when they call him names . Same people have so many sins why are they better? I’m not condoning being with an addict or an abusive person . This is simply about loving people for where they are at . Because if no one loved me when I was using I would be dead right now . I hate judge mental pricks . All of them . What about I hear - I’m not helping homeless people they just want drugs they deserve to be homeless ! 

Oh my gosh . These are broken hearted people . Every one breaks differently . Who is better than anyone else ? It makes my stomach hurt . 

My boyfriend was and is a beautiful person . Even though are paths are diverged . I have no idea what future holds , I’m writing this blog about loving people for who they are . 

Life is not black and white or right and wrong . God came to save the world 

He didn’t say : not you loser ! 

No he said come and let me give you life . He forgave my rapist . He forgave me and he forgives anyone who comes to him and repents and gives there life to him. 

God calls us to love . I’m tired of the fake lives people lead because there so afraid of judgement . The world is so afraid to love . We are all wounded and we all sin . No one is immune from it . So if he is a loser we are all losers. 

The only 2 things I know in life are love unconditionally . Forgive . And be strong Gods hope is real for our future 

Today I cried for so long in my car . My heart is still so broken . It’s ok I loved someone with all my heart and soul 

I never cheated , I was loyal it was real 

And the loss is great . Today I thought and prayed to God and said how God does the pain just go away ? 

I begged god to make the pain stop . 

But it’s real . It’s there . And you manage it through your day . I’m not a God . I have to trust him . It’s hard . Trust him to heal me , him and anyone who reads this . So we never go through this pain again . 

But remember what ever someone is going through - they deserve love . 

Just like you and I do  . Pray it all turns out ok . 

- Amy 

Daily reminder

Daily reminder - 

If they want to talk to you they will 

If they want to see you they will 

If they want to do things with you they will 

If they want to make things work they will . 

Don’t do things one sided it’s not healthy it’s not fair to you . 

Don’t settle

Said I Let you go - but I never did

The pain is heavy

Like the traffic on this Tuesday morning 

You told me to hold on 

You told me to let go 

It’s this place you left me in 

Empty and bleeding 

I’m alone 

Floating here 

I tried to never let you down 

Told you to never look down 

Now we’re frozen in time 

You tell me to let go 

I remember yesterday 

You told me to hold on . 

Love is heavy in the air 

Like yesterday 

I can’t find tomorrow 

With out you here 

How did we get here 

Hands letting go in the crowd 

Seems senseless 

Cupid’s arrow 

Lost in my lungs 

With your name on it 

And I hold you here 

Tears run like rain 

Heavy in my throat 

As I say your name 

And I say I let you go 

But I never did 

Letter to him

I have this dream every night that you are here . And you love me . And it’s so real the way you lay next to me and hold my hands like before . Like it was meant to be . And I lie there and smile 

As you kiss my cheek I know there is no where else I would rather be . 

Then as the sun comes up I wake and realize I’m alone . 

Cheers

It’s just a book of pages 

Smudged with fingers and trampled in your blood 

It’s my legence to you 

In these letters , you toss on the ground . 

I walk with my sword you take for granted . 

I can’t tell 

I can’t tell 

If you loved me . 

And I sit against the wind 

An army at my back 

I call your name 

I scream . 

No reply’s left 

Nothing’s gained 

What can I do I’m bound to your yesterday 

I’m bound to your future 

You set it on fire 

Say good bye 

I pledge my legence to you 

All these letters bound 

You can’t hear me 

How did you turn your back on me 

We were in it together . 

If only he loved me back 

But I couldn’t tell 

As he devoted his final good bye 

To the last page of this book 

And it goes for miles . 

I gave my life for you 

I gave my heart for you . 

So here’s to justice 

I hope your happy with yourself 

And when I’m falling 

Your not there 

And when your falling I’m not there 

But it’s what you chose . 

I pledge my legence to myself . 

As you hold your own hands . 

I mean it’s just a book 

Full of pages 

Smudged in tears . 

Dear Diary for 40

May 12 2018. 

Dear Diary . 

It’s 7 pm on a Saturday . I just got home from work . I decided today to do a benchmark journal for where I will be one year from now . And where I am since one year ago exactly . 

Joy filled my heart today , as I drove to work I realized last year at this time I had no job . I was depressed and hated myself . None of my goals were getting accomplished not one . This was not like me at all . I had lost every single thing I worked hard for and was in a dark place and ashamed . 

This year I’m in a great job and it might take time but my finances will get back on track , I’m getting my body back , my faith and trust in God are in the right place , my love life I think is getting healthier or is on a healthy path . We’re both getting healthy hopefully we find each other again as a whole . This part has been hardest for me . But once again god is in control of our lives . All I can do is pray for what belongs in my life will be in my life .  I feel better inside and out like I’m getting back to myself and better . I’m turning 40 this month and boy has the past year been hard but I’m not going down with out a fight . 

I’ll look my best this year . Make the most this year . And love unconditionally this year . I pray by 2019 I’ll actually be able to say everything turned out alright . In my times of sadness God has brought me amazing friends to support me . God is good in times of sadness . This is my bench mark of complete health emotional and physical . And to keep it going and to stay strong . 

Even when it’s really hard . Boy we’ve come so far and that in its self is a blessing . 

Tonight -

It’s 11 pm on a Thursday night . Today was an ordinary day . My days off typically consist of gym , tan , laundry and spend my evenings with Raigan . 

These past few weeks have been extremely stressful . So stressful I hide in work to try to feel better . But tonight my chest pains hurt more then ever and they are on the right side of my back below my shoulder blade . 

Worst I’ve ever felt . As I’m laying here in pain contemplating the hospital I took 2 aspirin . I figure if I die I die . 

Lately God has shown me he is taking the wheel of my life . So I shouldn’t worry about these stressful things in my life . But sometimes things are hard and it comes through to our bodies like our hearts . 

I’m laying in bed I’m tired . I have to be up early in the morning . I have a lot on my mind . My chest is in so much pain 

I’m going to try to pray for a while . Pray things turn out ok . Ok today and for tomorrow . I’ve had gains and great losses lately . I just need a break . 

And a break I will not get . If I could just get an extra thousand dollars catch up on my bills or no the answers of what’s really in some peoples hearts . But I didn’t win the lottery and I’m no mind reader . So I pray I survive tonight . To fight hard . To be free of burdens . God bless me and my family 

Good night . 

Lake Side

I know where the car is parked I know where the cupboards are - Tori Amos 

It’s the last breath in my sail 

Traveling in circles 

Waiting for you . 

There’s a cloud in my eyes 

And I’m pointed West . 

Tell me 

Where to go next . 

But it’s clear 

My anchor is here 

With you . 

I’ll send you a message in a bottle 

Written and transcribed 

I love you . 

I’m not sure how I ended up here 

Stranded . 

My lungs broken 

Taking in time like razor blades 

Never knowing if you will find me here 

Puffy red lips 

Iris set for the sunrise 

You are the sunset . 

I’m a mighty sailor 

They said 

I’m brave 

They said 

She’s beautiful 

They said . 

It’s getting cold out here 

Radio is lost 

And I’m banking on Jesus to get us through the storm . 

And the coast is clear 

With my sunglasses on 

I wait for 

You . 

Stamps

Tattooed in the hearts of men 

Through post cards and broad strokes of letters 

I thought of you today like at any moment 

You cross the miles through my restless mind . 

I’m here in this desert alone . 

No one to call my home . 

No messages and it’s clear 

How I sink my lips on coffee cups 

And unsaid words 

And my heart is sold 

The sign is old 

Can you meet me here ? 

As I walk this road . 

I can’t see in the storm 

In glass cages 

Blindfolded . 

Hallways

It was the last glance in the hallway 

The one where you caught me mid moonlight . As lungs crashing lungs 

Torn apart by circumstance as you fell asleep in my arms . 

Nightmares live here under my sheets 

It’s the way we walked the streets 

I can’t bear and grin it much longer 

As we wrote this story 

All I can do now is scream 

What is meant to be 

It’s like cane and able blood on the walls - 

Fingers hanging by my side 

Left alone to survive 

With out you here . 

It was that night in the hall 

Where I died in your arms 

Now I’m here 

Your so far . 

Left in the crowd alone . 

I can’t find you . 

I can’t find you . 

Walking On Water

It’s Monday morning , I been thinking this whole week about this blog topic .

I really need to share this with you . 

Recently very recently about a month ago I found myself driving in my car , tears streaming down my face wondering how was I going to make it another day . There was not an ounce of light in the dark world I was in and nothing could make it better . I knew there were others out there like me but who were they . Hiding behind false smiles in large crowds . That was me as well . I realized this is how suicide happens . Your so alone in a world where you been betrayed and with held from all love . Your a walking dead person . 

No one knew I held my sadness in . No one knew what I had gone through . This war. This Great War . I was deposited back into life by the gutter of this world . I knew I didn’t deserve that . 

So here I am today . I’ll tell you the answer to finding the light to whatever war you are in . Waking through fire or sinking in sand I found the answer . 

As I looked ahead at my sorrow and prayed for help I knew I just needed to look to God . But it was not taking the pain away . I was still drowning . I begged God , how ? 

First he said look at me . 

It didn’t make sense at first . Because I thought I was . But my focus was on the storm and how it was destroying me . 

I turned my focus to God for him to have the storm and I simply walked away from it . 

Burdens I’m not intended to bear . God is now driving this car . What’s intended for me will be Gods purpose and faith and trust walk in . 

Next this is a big one . Forgiveness - 

This concept was hard for me . To see people from Gods eyes not ours . So I had to forgive . Wow it’s getting easier already . 

Next - love . Love covers a multitude of sins right ? Love . With Gods love . Not yours . 

Do I still cry in my car , sure . But it’s grief . And I’m ok . There’s a peace in the storm . My boat is no longer sinking 

And I’m in God’s command . 

Dismembered

It’s the missing step in the marching band 

It’s the train wrecked 

Pick up the pieces any way screaming

Even if the music is bending 

There’s a ghost it follows me 

I’m just the leader falling into this hole 

Save me now 

But you are the shadow . 

I put on my cape 

Walk through the snow 

I refuse to die here 

In your cold 

It’s a silent war 

Darkening my eyes in this hallway 

Where there is no light anymore 

It’s sudden I know 

The way life ends 

Holding on to empty picture frames 

Is what we did best . 

You made a mess 

You made a mess of me . 

I put my cape on 

False smiles 

Handed by strangers 

And I can’t 

As the band plays on 

Pick up the wreckage as I scream 

I refuse to die 

Here 

Condemnation

With every breath we die - Breaking Benjamin 

It’s the anchor tied to your wrist carrying you to the darkest shadows of the sea . 

Where agony lives . And the waves above you carry light . 

To tired to fight 

To tired to drowned . 

It’s a wasteland 

Beating down hopes door 

Begging for someone to be home 

I’m screaming under street lights 

Floating ashore 

Heart barely beating under sheets of glass . 

Lost compass . 

Sometimes the storm 

Washes us to new places 

Sometimes the storm 

Reminds us 

We are an army 

We have our swords 

We were not forgotten 

As I search for you on the shore . 

Barely breathing 

He said . 

Barely living 

He said . 

I found your letter in the bottle 

Carry it in my pocket 

Along with this necklace . 

I haven’t drowned yet . 

As they ready for my funeral 

The dawn breaks 

Anchor lost beneath 

The ocean . 

The List

I can’t shake the pain I’m in . I pray I read but no matter what it’s there . I try to read bible verses . So I tried to make a list of things that make me happy . I’m not sure if this will help at all but maybe thinking of happy things could help . What helps you when you are dying inside ? 

Here’s my list of happy things 

1. God 

2. Ocean 

3. Loving friends

4. Kids 

5. Bookstores 

6. Sea port village 

7. Hugs 

8. Reading 

9. Music 

10. My salvation 

11. Health 

12. The fact I feel pain I’m not numb 

Homeless

I’m troubled and tied to everything 

We were lost some where in the sunset 

Aching in the sunrise . 

What happens when you lose home 

And it’s only raining inside . 

What happens when your smile fades 

Into the past 

Where I can’t reach it . 

My heart and my brain 

Like David and Goliath 

So far I’m the stone running away . 

Embrace me today . 

As we lost yesterday . 

And now I have no home . 

Did you remember that night 

Sitting in the sand creating memories to last . 

And I’m wading through the storm 

Lost . In letters and nightmares pinned on chalk boards 

Listed one by one 

Selling forgiveness until I can’t cry anymore 

And I see your name in the mirror 

I am the stone aren’t I . 

In this war . 

And I needed you here . 

Remember that night 

When you grabbed my fingers 

Said you were never letting me go . 

Letters come in the mail . 

No ones home . 

I sing this song 

Can you hear it when your alone in your bed . 

Can you feel the absence of me . 

I walk the streets now homeless 

The numbers now faded 

My heart - my brain 

Like David and Goliath 

And I’m the stone 

Running from the pain . 

I can’t make it alright 

Selling forgiveness 

Because I can’t reach you . 

Can you hear me 

Screaming 

As I sing you this song . 

We were lost somewhere in the sunrise

Aching in the sunset . 

Marksman

I’m the mark and the marksman 

I’m the storm and the victim . 

I’m the leader and I’m falling . 

Into your transgression . 

There’s a light seeping through 

This darkness 

I feel the harness unchained 

And reminisced 

As I drowned and find new life 

In the mourning I search for answers 

Mascara covers my face 

My heart beats under wet fingers 

Clutching onto yesterday 

And setting it on fire . 

It’s the drive 

It’s the night under the stars 

It’s the gun to my head 

It’s the trigger you pulled 

It’s the notes left under my blankets 

It’s the power I’m taking back . 

Some Serious Stuff

It’s weird you know how we all try to be so perfect yet we are linked together in special friendships due to imperfections . We are human . It’s ok. I’ve found myself in the deepest pain I could ever imagine . Giving everything to someone then they betray you like you meant nothing at all . Like everything you ever did was for nothing   I feel sick inside . You know the movie collateral beauty that movie makes sense  through this event I’ve connected with people on deep levels and have new found friends who are there for me . Thank you for that . To try to be perfect for an abusuve individual and then have them toss you aside is heartless . It’s not the abuse or the person right it’s the fact you hold up hope to there false promises , for them to not care in the end is devastating . It’s like investing a million dollars and losing it all .

I love the fabric of life and how when I don’t want to go on living my connections through loved ones have become the veins that pump blood into a broken heart . I also thank God for saving me from this situation . I want to be brave in my present brokenness and say you are beautiful imperfect . And don’t settle for anyone who abuses you . It’s just broken my heart to dust

I promise I’m telling the truth . They don’t deserve you .