I’m No Loser - Neither Are You

It’s Wednesday night , I just got home from work . I thought about how to write this blog on my hour long drive home . I came up with nothing . Just a basic idea of the most important thing in my life I need to share . I’m a writer but most importantly I try to be a visionary . One who can change others futures from my past . I’m listening to A Day To Remember . One of the best bands out there . I’m turning 40 on Monday.  There are only 2 certainty’s in life that I know and my life is half over . I’m 40 and single and heart broken . But this has nothing to do with this blog . I still have no clue how to put this together in an elegant way . 

I grew up in a very religious and judge-mental home,Everything was right or wrong . Your either good or bad . 

I realized as a teenager there is a huge grey area . The one my parents never taught me . That was called love and forgiveness . And those 2 things by mercy right all our wrongs . 

As a 10 year old rape victim you learn really quick about the evil world around you . And as a 16 year old you learn to ease the pain through white lines snorted up your nose after school . How else did they think a little girl could live through the fact that her virginity was stolen from her . She was ugly , dirty and unloved . 

Her world was quickly divided and was searching for acceptance . There was no room for right and wrong she just needed love . 

Fast forward to adult years and almost dying of a drug over dose I thank god he saved my life and I quit all of that and turned to God . But the love part was still a bit of smoke and mirrors for me . 

In my journey I learned to love people for who they were . Life was not right or wrong . People needed to be loved . 

No one saved me. Maybe my love could save someone . That didn’t work out either . Because it was never returned and I was hurting . 

It’s funny , I’m 40 on Monday . I lost my love and best friend to addiction 

People say Amy how could you love a loser ? Black and white right . 

I hate these people . I quickly think back to the lost little girl on drugs who was raped , was she a loser ? Am I a loser now ? Did I not deserve love ? 

Nothing enraged me more then when they call him names . Same people have so many sins why are they better? I’m not condoning being with an addict or an abusive person . This is simply about loving people for where they are at . Because if no one loved me when I was using I would be dead right now . I hate judge mental pricks . All of them . What about I hear - I’m not helping homeless people they just want drugs they deserve to be homeless ! 

Oh my gosh . These are broken hearted people . Every one breaks differently . Who is better than anyone else ? It makes my stomach hurt . 

My boyfriend was and is a beautiful person . Even though are paths are diverged . I have no idea what future holds , I’m writing this blog about loving people for who they are . 

Life is not black and white or right and wrong . God came to save the world 

He didn’t say : not you loser ! 

No he said come and let me give you life . He forgave my rapist . He forgave me and he forgives anyone who comes to him and repents and gives there life to him. 

God calls us to love . I’m tired of the fake lives people lead because there so afraid of judgement . The world is so afraid to love . We are all wounded and we all sin . No one is immune from it . So if he is a loser we are all losers. 

The only 2 things I know in life are love unconditionally . Forgive . And be strong Gods hope is real for our future 

Today I cried for so long in my car . My heart is still so broken . It’s ok I loved someone with all my heart and soul 

I never cheated , I was loyal it was real 

And the loss is great . Today I thought and prayed to God and said how God does the pain just go away ? 

I begged god to make the pain stop . 

But it’s real . It’s there . And you manage it through your day . I’m not a God . I have to trust him . It’s hard . Trust him to heal me , him and anyone who reads this . So we never go through this pain again . 

But remember what ever someone is going through - they deserve love . 

Just like you and I do  . Pray it all turns out ok . 

- Amy 

Daily reminder

Daily reminder - 

If they want to talk to you they will 

If they want to see you they will 

If they want to do things with you they will 

If they want to make things work they will . 

Don’t do things one sided it’s not healthy it’s not fair to you . 

Don’t settle

Said I Let you go - but I never did

The pain is heavy

Like the traffic on this Tuesday morning 

You told me to hold on 

You told me to let go 

It’s this place you left me in 

Empty and bleeding 

I’m alone 

Floating here 

I tried to never let you down 

Told you to never look down 

Now we’re frozen in time 

You tell me to let go 

I remember yesterday 

You told me to hold on . 

Love is heavy in the air 

Like yesterday 

I can’t find tomorrow 

With out you here 

How did we get here 

Hands letting go in the crowd 

Seems senseless 

Cupid’s arrow 

Lost in my lungs 

With your name on it 

And I hold you here 

Tears run like rain 

Heavy in my throat 

As I say your name 

And I say I let you go 

But I never did 

Letter to him

I have this dream every night that you are here . And you love me . And it’s so real the way you lay next to me and hold my hands like before . Like it was meant to be . And I lie there and smile 

As you kiss my cheek I know there is no where else I would rather be . 

Then as the sun comes up I wake and realize I’m alone . 

Cheers

It’s just a book of pages 

Smudged with fingers and trampled in your blood 

It’s my legence to you 

In these letters , you toss on the ground . 

I walk with my sword you take for granted . 

I can’t tell 

I can’t tell 

If you loved me . 

And I sit against the wind 

An army at my back 

I call your name 

I scream . 

No reply’s left 

Nothing’s gained 

What can I do I’m bound to your yesterday 

I’m bound to your future 

You set it on fire 

Say good bye 

I pledge my legence to you 

All these letters bound 

You can’t hear me 

How did you turn your back on me 

We were in it together . 

If only he loved me back 

But I couldn’t tell 

As he devoted his final good bye 

To the last page of this book 

And it goes for miles . 

I gave my life for you 

I gave my heart for you . 

So here’s to justice 

I hope your happy with yourself 

And when I’m falling 

Your not there 

And when your falling I’m not there 

But it’s what you chose . 

I pledge my legence to myself . 

As you hold your own hands . 

I mean it’s just a book 

Full of pages 

Smudged in tears . 

Dear Diary for 40

May 12 2018. 

Dear Diary . 

It’s 7 pm on a Saturday . I just got home from work . I decided today to do a benchmark journal for where I will be one year from now . And where I am since one year ago exactly . 

Joy filled my heart today , as I drove to work I realized last year at this time I had no job . I was depressed and hated myself . None of my goals were getting accomplished not one . This was not like me at all . I had lost every single thing I worked hard for and was in a dark place and ashamed . 

This year I’m in a great job and it might take time but my finances will get back on track , I’m getting my body back , my faith and trust in God are in the right place , my love life I think is getting healthier or is on a healthy path . We’re both getting healthy hopefully we find each other again as a whole . This part has been hardest for me . But once again god is in control of our lives . All I can do is pray for what belongs in my life will be in my life .  I feel better inside and out like I’m getting back to myself and better . I’m turning 40 this month and boy has the past year been hard but I’m not going down with out a fight . 

I’ll look my best this year . Make the most this year . And love unconditionally this year . I pray by 2019 I’ll actually be able to say everything turned out alright . In my times of sadness God has brought me amazing friends to support me . God is good in times of sadness . This is my bench mark of complete health emotional and physical . And to keep it going and to stay strong . 

Even when it’s really hard . Boy we’ve come so far and that in its self is a blessing . 

Tonight -

It’s 11 pm on a Thursday night . Today was an ordinary day . My days off typically consist of gym , tan , laundry and spend my evenings with Raigan . 

These past few weeks have been extremely stressful . So stressful I hide in work to try to feel better . But tonight my chest pains hurt more then ever and they are on the right side of my back below my shoulder blade . 

Worst I’ve ever felt . As I’m laying here in pain contemplating the hospital I took 2 aspirin . I figure if I die I die . 

Lately God has shown me he is taking the wheel of my life . So I shouldn’t worry about these stressful things in my life . But sometimes things are hard and it comes through to our bodies like our hearts . 

I’m laying in bed I’m tired . I have to be up early in the morning . I have a lot on my mind . My chest is in so much pain 

I’m going to try to pray for a while . Pray things turn out ok . Ok today and for tomorrow . I’ve had gains and great losses lately . I just need a break . 

And a break I will not get . If I could just get an extra thousand dollars catch up on my bills or no the answers of what’s really in some peoples hearts . But I didn’t win the lottery and I’m no mind reader . So I pray I survive tonight . To fight hard . To be free of burdens . God bless me and my family 

Good night . 

Lake Side

I know where the car is parked I know where the cupboards are - Tori Amos 

It’s the last breath in my sail 

Traveling in circles 

Waiting for you . 

There’s a cloud in my eyes 

And I’m pointed West . 

Tell me 

Where to go next . 

But it’s clear 

My anchor is here 

With you . 

I’ll send you a message in a bottle 

Written and transcribed 

I love you . 

I’m not sure how I ended up here 

Stranded . 

My lungs broken 

Taking in time like razor blades 

Never knowing if you will find me here 

Puffy red lips 

Iris set for the sunrise 

You are the sunset . 

I’m a mighty sailor 

They said 

I’m brave 

They said 

She’s beautiful 

They said . 

It’s getting cold out here 

Radio is lost 

And I’m banking on Jesus to get us through the storm . 

And the coast is clear 

With my sunglasses on 

I wait for 

You . 

Stamps

Tattooed in the hearts of men 

Through post cards and broad strokes of letters 

I thought of you today like at any moment 

You cross the miles through my restless mind . 

I’m here in this desert alone . 

No one to call my home . 

No messages and it’s clear 

How I sink my lips on coffee cups 

And unsaid words 

And my heart is sold 

The sign is old 

Can you meet me here ? 

As I walk this road . 

I can’t see in the storm 

In glass cages 

Blindfolded . 

Hallways

It was the last glance in the hallway 

The one where you caught me mid moonlight . As lungs crashing lungs 

Torn apart by circumstance as you fell asleep in my arms . 

Nightmares live here under my sheets 

It’s the way we walked the streets 

I can’t bear and grin it much longer 

As we wrote this story 

All I can do now is scream 

What is meant to be 

It’s like cane and able blood on the walls - 

Fingers hanging by my side 

Left alone to survive 

With out you here . 

It was that night in the hall 

Where I died in your arms 

Now I’m here 

Your so far . 

Left in the crowd alone . 

I can’t find you . 

I can’t find you . 

Walking On Water

It’s Monday morning , I been thinking this whole week about this blog topic .

I really need to share this with you . 

Recently very recently about a month ago I found myself driving in my car , tears streaming down my face wondering how was I going to make it another day . There was not an ounce of light in the dark world I was in and nothing could make it better . I knew there were others out there like me but who were they . Hiding behind false smiles in large crowds . That was me as well . I realized this is how suicide happens . Your so alone in a world where you been betrayed and with held from all love . Your a walking dead person . 

No one knew I held my sadness in . No one knew what I had gone through . This war. This Great War . I was deposited back into life by the gutter of this world . I knew I didn’t deserve that . 

So here I am today . I’ll tell you the answer to finding the light to whatever war you are in . Waking through fire or sinking in sand I found the answer . 

As I looked ahead at my sorrow and prayed for help I knew I just needed to look to God . But it was not taking the pain away . I was still drowning . I begged God , how ? 

First he said look at me . 

It didn’t make sense at first . Because I thought I was . But my focus was on the storm and how it was destroying me . 

I turned my focus to God for him to have the storm and I simply walked away from it . 

Burdens I’m not intended to bear . God is now driving this car . What’s intended for me will be Gods purpose and faith and trust walk in . 

Next this is a big one . Forgiveness - 

This concept was hard for me . To see people from Gods eyes not ours . So I had to forgive . Wow it’s getting easier already . 

Next - love . Love covers a multitude of sins right ? Love . With Gods love . Not yours . 

Do I still cry in my car , sure . But it’s grief . And I’m ok . There’s a peace in the storm . My boat is no longer sinking 

And I’m in God’s command . 

Dismembered

It’s the missing step in the marching band 

It’s the train wrecked 

Pick up the pieces any way screaming

Even if the music is bending 

There’s a ghost it follows me 

I’m just the leader falling into this hole 

Save me now 

But you are the shadow . 

I put on my cape 

Walk through the snow 

I refuse to die here 

In your cold 

It’s a silent war 

Darkening my eyes in this hallway 

Where there is no light anymore 

It’s sudden I know 

The way life ends 

Holding on to empty picture frames 

Is what we did best . 

You made a mess 

You made a mess of me . 

I put my cape on 

False smiles 

Handed by strangers 

And I can’t 

As the band plays on 

Pick up the wreckage as I scream 

I refuse to die 

Here 

Condemnation

With every breath we die - Breaking Benjamin 

It’s the anchor tied to your wrist carrying you to the darkest shadows of the sea . 

Where agony lives . And the waves above you carry light . 

To tired to fight 

To tired to drowned . 

It’s a wasteland 

Beating down hopes door 

Begging for someone to be home 

I’m screaming under street lights 

Floating ashore 

Heart barely beating under sheets of glass . 

Lost compass . 

Sometimes the storm 

Washes us to new places 

Sometimes the storm 

Reminds us 

We are an army 

We have our swords 

We were not forgotten 

As I search for you on the shore . 

Barely breathing 

He said . 

Barely living 

He said . 

I found your letter in the bottle 

Carry it in my pocket 

Along with this necklace . 

I haven’t drowned yet . 

As they ready for my funeral 

The dawn breaks 

Anchor lost beneath 

The ocean . 

The List

I can’t shake the pain I’m in . I pray I read but no matter what it’s there . I try to read bible verses . So I tried to make a list of things that make me happy . I’m not sure if this will help at all but maybe thinking of happy things could help . What helps you when you are dying inside ? 

Here’s my list of happy things 

1. God 

2. Ocean 

3. Loving friends

4. Kids 

5. Bookstores 

6. Sea port village 

7. Hugs 

8. Reading 

9. Music 

10. My salvation 

11. Health 

12. The fact I feel pain I’m not numb 

Homeless

I’m troubled and tied to everything 

We were lost some where in the sunset 

Aching in the sunrise . 

What happens when you lose home 

And it’s only raining inside . 

What happens when your smile fades 

Into the past 

Where I can’t reach it . 

My heart and my brain 

Like David and Goliath 

So far I’m the stone running away . 

Embrace me today . 

As we lost yesterday . 

And now I have no home . 

Did you remember that night 

Sitting in the sand creating memories to last . 

And I’m wading through the storm 

Lost . In letters and nightmares pinned on chalk boards 

Listed one by one 

Selling forgiveness until I can’t cry anymore 

And I see your name in the mirror 

I am the stone aren’t I . 

In this war . 

And I needed you here . 

Remember that night 

When you grabbed my fingers 

Said you were never letting me go . 

Letters come in the mail . 

No ones home . 

I sing this song 

Can you hear it when your alone in your bed . 

Can you feel the absence of me . 

I walk the streets now homeless 

The numbers now faded 

My heart - my brain 

Like David and Goliath 

And I’m the stone 

Running from the pain . 

I can’t make it alright 

Selling forgiveness 

Because I can’t reach you . 

Can you hear me 

Screaming 

As I sing you this song . 

We were lost somewhere in the sunrise

Aching in the sunset . 

Marksman

I’m the mark and the marksman 

I’m the storm and the victim . 

I’m the leader and I’m falling . 

Into your transgression . 

There’s a light seeping through 

This darkness 

I feel the harness unchained 

And reminisced 

As I drowned and find new life 

In the mourning I search for answers 

Mascara covers my face 

My heart beats under wet fingers 

Clutching onto yesterday 

And setting it on fire . 

It’s the drive 

It’s the night under the stars 

It’s the gun to my head 

It’s the trigger you pulled 

It’s the notes left under my blankets 

It’s the power I’m taking back . 

Some Serious Stuff

It’s weird you know how we all try to be so perfect yet we are linked together in special friendships due to imperfections . We are human . It’s ok. I’ve found myself in the deepest pain I could ever imagine . Giving everything to someone then they betray you like you meant nothing at all . Like everything you ever did was for nothing   I feel sick inside . You know the movie collateral beauty that movie makes sense  through this event I’ve connected with people on deep levels and have new found friends who are there for me . Thank you for that . To try to be perfect for an abusuve individual and then have them toss you aside is heartless . It’s not the abuse or the person right it’s the fact you hold up hope to there false promises , for them to not care in the end is devastating . It’s like investing a million dollars and losing it all .

I love the fabric of life and how when I don’t want to go on living my connections through loved ones have become the veins that pump blood into a broken heart . I also thank God for saving me from this situation . I want to be brave in my present brokenness and say you are beautiful imperfect . And don’t settle for anyone who abuses you . It’s just broken my heart to dust

I promise I’m telling the truth . They don’t deserve you .

Polaroid

Not sure what it means any more 

As the phone lies silent 

I remember basking under blankets 

As you fell asleep on me . 

It was a long lost night 

A Polaroid love . 

Made a great picture 

Until you stepped into the light . 

Now I’m with the shadow 

Crying with all my might . 

I hope it reaches you

Where ever you may be 

There’s a consequence for murdering 

Me . 

Mitten

It’s a lighter shade of black 

That echos on the lake 

That we whispered promise of forever 

On a cold winter day . 

In converse and beanies 

Wouldn’t of wanted anything more . 

Now it’s a sad song 

No more words to say . 

One part 

Broken in two . 

I drive these roads alone . 

Wondering if it could be the same 

You got out of the car 

You walked away . 

Threw it all away 

Like it never happened

That night at the lake 

When we planned forever 

On a cold winter day 

Now it’s just another sad love song

Where one leaves 

One stays 

And there’s nothing to say . 

Another Love Song

It’s a movie still

Bent frame - 

Wondering where the side walk wondered to 

As I lost my way . 

The piano plays in my head 

As I think of us laughing 

That day under blankets 

Little did I know 

It was all 

A 

Lie . 

The soup is cold on the table 

No one is coming home tonight

Mascara runs like old lip stick stains 

You promised you could never live with out . 

I was your hero 

Kept you all together 

As you broke on the inside 

I’m lost in the black snow 

In my white dress 

They said I never belonged there 

There screaming in silent voices 

Like mimes with white faces 

And these floods won’t leave me alone 

I’m never alone . 

Red lip stick 

Stains the collar of 

Your 

Heart . 

I zip up my bags 

Ask where did the side walk part 

Like a cigarette with out a match . 

I remember this smile 

At the end of the hall . 

You grabbed my hands 

Promised it would be alright . 

Now the cuts were from your knife . 

Heavily stitched 

I was the hero . 

The escape . 

No one there 

To save me 

Left to fall

Apart . 

Rather there Than Here

Since I’m at work on a Wednesday at 10:30 am . I’m reminded of all the places I would rather be . I think my favorite places are so simple . Like Barnes and Noble Book Store . When I walk in the smell of books makes my soul happy . Knowing there are thoughts placed carefully on paper surrounding me to be discovered and read for hours 

Plus there’s coffee . 

I wish I owned a book store . The happiness would fill my heart every day

Also the ocean . Standing on the shoreline . The way the ocean air smells and brings a calm to your spirit . The way the sky meets the earth , I could just sit there and pretend it’s my bedroom and never leave . 

I could write poetry in my mind as I watch the waves climb the earth . 

Music . I write through music . Speak with music . Heal through music and love through music . I have an unhealthy obsession with music . With out it my world would be black . 

These are places I would go besides here where I am now at this moment in my boring job alone . 

Wardrobe (1)

Follow me Alice . 

I’ll show you a place where it isn’t broken 

These walls are not painted cracked to the ceiling . 

Follow me Alice . 

He left you here abandoned 

It’s dark . 

The windows are unclear 

And time does not move 

My watch isn’t moving !! 

Alice follow me . 

The roses are dying the sky is grey 

All the rainbows are missing . 

I can’t see . 

My heart is drifting . 

I feel you kissing me 

As you murdered me . 

Alice follow me . 

We are drowning 

Open casket funeral 

The music is playing 

The rain is falling 

We are running through 

Thorned gardens 

My knees are bleeding 

Alice 

Take my hand ! 

Your crying 

No not crying 

Your weeping . 

Your heart 

It’s name is grief 

Don’t slow down now 

There swords are coming 

I can’t imagine how we got here 

We have to find the King . 

Alice 

I’m screaming . 

I’m tired 

I’m tired of running 

Tired of dying 

And all of me is wounded 

The ship 

What happened to the ship ? 

Alice come ! 

We can do this . 

One more try . 

We have to make it . 

End

It’s dotted this line

Where you left your signature ...... 

no more lies . 

Rain sits outside my door 

As I mail you my heart 

You left on the road 

Two stamps 

Time stands still 

As the crowd passes me 

And I’m drowning in the bath 

I resurface drenched in tears 

In the night of hands clenching fingers 

Memory . 

As you held my neck 

Last kiss she said .

Forever you said . 

One bloody suicide 

Went December ..... 

as I stood alone in white . 

As you stood there once again 

And 

Lied . 

It’s a fucked up kiss 

The one that lingers behind . 

The one you Long for late at night . 

You signed the dotted line 

Promised no 

More 

Lies . 

I mailed you my heart 

You left on the road ...... 

I’m hitch hiking my only way home 

I’m drowning now 

Black tears . 

Did you feel the rain 

Did you feel my heart beating between your fingers ? 

Every step of the way 

Murdering 

Me . 

It’s the silence of the ocean we cherish 

As your name is scribed on my ribs 

There is no happy ending in this story 

Because this is a nightmare 

That haunts me at night . 

So here we go ..... 

two stamps 

And it’s Friday . 

Can you feel it now . 

On My Way

My transgressions a crumbling path 

I’m searching for a way to go back 

In time . 

My thumbs up im walking this line 

Time does not exist in the mourning 

Your gone In the sunset . 

Left here like an arrow 

Like the one around my neck 

Matching direction 

Now has turned to two 

I lost my mind 

As tears pour down my face 

I hear the music playing 

As I’m left here alone in this rain 

Nothings black and white they say . 

As he lied straight faced. 

Here are my grievances 

As I walk this path alone today . 

The music it 

Fades . 

So what is the purpose of giving yourself away . She said . 

It’s a statement I ask myself every day 

Thumbs up 

It’s a broken road 

I left myself here 

In the rain . 

Hideaway

I walk through a crowded street 

Invisible 

Head down . 

No one sees me 

I’m just a shadow on the wall . 

I’m an orphan . 

Never belonged 

I cried alone 

I don’t want to die 

Unloved 

I’m the buttons on your coat 

I’m the hands that keep you warm 

But yet I walk this room alone 

What’s the point of being lost but not forgotten .

Princess Warrior

Today was an odd day in a good way . I also notice when I copy and paste my blog post my punctuation ends up in a different place , why you ask ? No idea 

Some days the past few weeks I cry myself to sleep . Some days I find my power and my value so I have peace 

Either way I’m in mourning and there is no way around it . When your with someone for a year , and it’s a hard relationship you end up investing all of you thinking it might save all of them 

But all of them does not take into account me . I tattooed his name on my side for the promise of forever I wanted to believe as he got sober and then relapsed and I had enough of the lies and broken promises . 

Here I am left with an investment that left me in the negative . Ultimately it was my fault . I should’ve left the moment I knew . I wanted to believe you loved us enough but it had nothing to do with us at all . 

Today I had a prayer meeting and God spoke to my friend about my healing . 

I needed to know God loved me and the abuse I endured as a kid left me with a distorted version of love and me not loving myself . 

I left feeling better and with some verses to the gym . And oddly enough my dearest friend and pastor was there at the gym . He welcomed me with a warm  hug and a promise to work out together . We known each other since we were kids . He’s a big black guy full of joy he reminds me of Cubba Gooding Jr looks and everything  , this brought a smile to my heart . After today I felt worn with some glimmer of hope and joy 

I know my ex is back in rehab . As a loving human I wish him the best . But he is not what is best for me . 

We will never speak again . All he did was lead me down a dark rabbit hole of lies and pain . 

But today seems a new story of hope 

I’m 39 , and I need my life to be different and amazing . I won’t let anyone in it who is not equally amazing . 

It’s a new journey I suppose . I know it will take time for this mourning to pass 

But love can’t fix everything we all have choices . 

I need to find someone who chooses me 

Because for the first time I’m choosing me too 

Windows

Did you know you were my hero 

A shadow I couldn’t live with out 

Like Peter Pan 

If only you could hold me at night . 

But taught me to fly . 

If I could write you a letter 

It would be the kind you find in the movies 

The one know one believes in . 

Your the stains on my sheets 

From the tears while your gone . 

Your the thief who stole my heart 

The moment I saw you . 

Tell me how do I win 

A hero in a cape and a mask 

I’ll save you back 

Midnight

It’s 12:46 am I can’t sleep . My English bulldog is snoring and my daughter is nestled up next to me
 I was thinking about love . How cool would it be for someone to actually love me enough to not be
able to sleep . No ones ever said I was up thinking about you last night . That’s sad right ,Isn’t it nice knowing your on someone’s mind . I can’t ever sleep and I’m always tired . I’m sure it’s stress . Maybe one day I can go get a massage . That would be a good day

Deconstruct

It’s Thursday it’s my day off . I wish I could tell you what I’m really going through . But no one would understand I walked into the doughnuts  store this morning as I do every morning . Not for  doughnuts but I go for there coffee it’s only a dollar , no line and it’s better than any Starbucks . 

Inside they were playing 500 Miles from the Pretenders . I remembered the movie Benny and June where the song came from and for some reason I felt joy 

Seems so stupid , right a movie I loved brings me joy . I realized at that moment how sad I was , how numb I am . I’m not myself right now , as I stand here for coffee no one can tell . I’m invisible but on this paper I’m transparent as hell . 

I’m like a broken dove who hit the ground . I know I’ll be ok . But I been dragged through the mud I’m processing I’m getting my feet out . 

It’s cold , it’s hard , it’s the shock that I got here in this hole . It’s funny how much pain one person can take and yet hide it with a simple smile , yet they don’t know I cry when I’m alone . 

This is not who I am . These moments don’t define me , nor will they harden me for I know it was not my doing . 

It’s almost like being in the hospital , you know your not feeling well , but it will get better and in time you will be home . 

This is where I’m at . Forcing myself out of the quick sand . Writing is my therapy 

I’m sitting here on my day off , listening to Zack Hemsey imagining how I could change the world . If I could I would heal everyone so everyone would love . 

Last night an old friend text me . I dated him when Austin was a little baby so like 17 years ago . A professional soccer player . We were young . He text me to see how I was . Then he asked if I would drive 2 hours to see him after work ? 

Yeah ok . Let me drive 2 hours so you can use me ? No thanks . Why can’t people care about you with out an agenda . 

Does love always have an agenda too ? 

I’m not a hopeless romantic I promise . 

I’m a realist . But why are people so selfish ? 

Now I’m rambling I have many things to do today . Thanks for listening . 

Cheers to healing .