Another Love Song

It’s a movie still

Bent frame - 

Wondering where the side walk wondered to 

As I lost my way . 

The piano plays in my head 

As I think of us laughing 

That day under blankets 

Little did I know 

It was all 

A 

Lie . 

The soup is cold on the table 

No one is coming home tonight

Mascara runs like old lip stick stains 

You promised you could never live with out . 

I was your hero 

Kept you all together 

As you broke on the inside 

I’m lost in the black snow 

In my white dress 

They said I never belonged there 

There screaming in silent voices 

Like mimes with white faces 

And these floods won’t leave me alone 

I’m never alone . 

Red lip stick 

Stains the collar of 

Your 

Heart . 

I zip up my bags 

Ask where did the side walk part 

Like a cigarette with out a match . 

I remember this smile 

At the end of the hall . 

You grabbed my hands 

Promised it would be alright . 

Now the cuts were from your knife . 

Heavily stitched 

I was the hero . 

The escape . 

No one there 

To save me 

Left to fall

Apart . 

Rather there Than Here

Since I’m at work on a Wednesday at 10:30 am . I’m reminded of all the places I would rather be . I think my favorite places are so simple . Like Barnes and Noble Book Store . When I walk in the smell of books makes my soul happy . Knowing there are thoughts placed carefully on paper surrounding me to be discovered and read for hours 

Plus there’s coffee . 

I wish I owned a book store . The happiness would fill my heart every day

Also the ocean . Standing on the shoreline . The way the ocean air smells and brings a calm to your spirit . The way the sky meets the earth , I could just sit there and pretend it’s my bedroom and never leave . 

I could write poetry in my mind as I watch the waves climb the earth . 

Music . I write through music . Speak with music . Heal through music and love through music . I have an unhealthy obsession with music . With out it my world would be black . 

These are places I would go besides here where I am now at this moment in my boring job alone . 

Wardrobe (1)

Follow me Alice . 

I’ll show you a place where it isn’t broken 

These walls are not painted cracked to the ceiling . 

Follow me Alice . 

He left you here abandoned 

It’s dark . 

The windows are unclear 

And time does not move 

My watch isn’t moving !! 

Alice follow me . 

The roses are dying the sky is grey 

All the rainbows are missing . 

I can’t see . 

My heart is drifting . 

I feel you kissing me 

As you murdered me . 

Alice follow me . 

We are drowning 

Open casket funeral 

The music is playing 

The rain is falling 

We are running through 

Thorned gardens 

My knees are bleeding 

Alice 

Take my hand ! 

Your crying 

No not crying 

Your weeping . 

Your heart 

It’s name is grief 

Don’t slow down now 

There swords are coming 

I can’t imagine how we got here 

We have to find the King . 

Alice 

I’m screaming . 

I’m tired 

I’m tired of running 

Tired of dying 

And all of me is wounded 

The ship 

What happened to the ship ? 

Alice come ! 

We can do this . 

One more try . 

We have to make it . 

End

It’s dotted this line

Where you left your signature ...... 

no more lies . 

Rain sits outside my door 

As I mail you my heart 

You left on the road 

Two stamps 

Time stands still 

As the crowd passes me 

And I’m drowning in the bath 

I resurface drenched in tears 

In the night of hands clenching fingers 

Memory . 

As you held my neck 

Last kiss she said .

Forever you said . 

One bloody suicide 

Went December ..... 

as I stood alone in white . 

As you stood there once again 

And 

Lied . 

It’s a fucked up kiss 

The one that lingers behind . 

The one you Long for late at night . 

You signed the dotted line 

Promised no 

More 

Lies . 

I mailed you my heart 

You left on the road ...... 

I’m hitch hiking my only way home 

I’m drowning now 

Black tears . 

Did you feel the rain 

Did you feel my heart beating between your fingers ? 

Every step of the way 

Murdering 

Me . 

It’s the silence of the ocean we cherish 

As your name is scribed on my ribs 

There is no happy ending in this story 

Because this is a nightmare 

That haunts me at night . 

So here we go ..... 

two stamps 

And it’s Friday . 

Can you feel it now . 

On My Way

My transgressions a crumbling path 

I’m searching for a way to go back 

In time . 

My thumbs up im walking this line 

Time does not exist in the mourning 

Your gone In the sunset . 

Left here like an arrow 

Like the one around my neck 

Matching direction 

Now has turned to two 

I lost my mind 

As tears pour down my face 

I hear the music playing 

As I’m left here alone in this rain 

Nothings black and white they say . 

As he lied straight faced. 

Here are my grievances 

As I walk this path alone today . 

The music it 

Fades . 

So what is the purpose of giving yourself away . She said . 

It’s a statement I ask myself every day 

Thumbs up 

It’s a broken road 

I left myself here 

In the rain . 

Hideaway

I walk through a crowded street 

Invisible 

Head down . 

No one sees me 

I’m just a shadow on the wall . 

I’m an orphan . 

Never belonged 

I cried alone 

I don’t want to die 

Unloved 

I’m the buttons on your coat 

I’m the hands that keep you warm 

But yet I walk this room alone 

What’s the point of being lost but not forgotten .

Princess Warrior

Today was an odd day in a good way . I also notice when I copy and paste my blog post my punctuation ends up in a different place , why you ask ? No idea 

Some days the past few weeks I cry myself to sleep . Some days I find my power and my value so I have peace 

Either way I’m in mourning and there is no way around it . When your with someone for a year , and it’s a hard relationship you end up investing all of you thinking it might save all of them 

But all of them does not take into account me . I tattooed his name on my side for the promise of forever I wanted to believe as he got sober and then relapsed and I had enough of the lies and broken promises . 

Here I am left with an investment that left me in the negative . Ultimately it was my fault . I should’ve left the moment I knew . I wanted to believe you loved us enough but it had nothing to do with us at all . 

Today I had a prayer meeting and God spoke to my friend about my healing . 

I needed to know God loved me and the abuse I endured as a kid left me with a distorted version of love and me not loving myself . 

I left feeling better and with some verses to the gym . And oddly enough my dearest friend and pastor was there at the gym . He welcomed me with a warm  hug and a promise to work out together . We known each other since we were kids . He’s a big black guy full of joy he reminds me of Cubba Gooding Jr looks and everything  , this brought a smile to my heart . After today I felt worn with some glimmer of hope and joy 

I know my ex is back in rehab . As a loving human I wish him the best . But he is not what is best for me . 

We will never speak again . All he did was lead me down a dark rabbit hole of lies and pain . 

But today seems a new story of hope 

I’m 39 , and I need my life to be different and amazing . I won’t let anyone in it who is not equally amazing . 

It’s a new journey I suppose . I know it will take time for this mourning to pass 

But love can’t fix everything we all have choices . 

I need to find someone who chooses me 

Because for the first time I’m choosing me too 

Windows

Did you know you were my hero 

A shadow I couldn’t live with out 

Like Peter Pan 

If only you could hold me at night . 

But taught me to fly . 

If I could write you a letter 

It would be the kind you find in the movies 

The one know one believes in . 

Your the stains on my sheets 

From the tears while your gone . 

Your the thief who stole my heart 

The moment I saw you . 

Tell me how do I win 

A hero in a cape and a mask 

I’ll save you back 

Midnight

It’s 12:46 am I can’t sleep . My English bulldog is snoring and my daughter is nestled up next to me
 I was thinking about love . How cool would it be for someone to actually love me enough to not be
able to sleep . No ones ever said I was up thinking about you last night . That’s sad right ,Isn’t it nice knowing your on someone’s mind . I can’t ever sleep and I’m always tired . I’m sure it’s stress . Maybe one day I can go get a massage . That would be a good day

Deconstruct

It’s Thursday it’s my day off . I wish I could tell you what I’m really going through . But no one would understand I walked into the doughnuts  store this morning as I do every morning . Not for  doughnuts but I go for there coffee it’s only a dollar , no line and it’s better than any Starbucks . 

Inside they were playing 500 Miles from the Pretenders . I remembered the movie Benny and June where the song came from and for some reason I felt joy 

Seems so stupid , right a movie I loved brings me joy . I realized at that moment how sad I was , how numb I am . I’m not myself right now , as I stand here for coffee no one can tell . I’m invisible but on this paper I’m transparent as hell . 

I’m like a broken dove who hit the ground . I know I’ll be ok . But I been dragged through the mud I’m processing I’m getting my feet out . 

It’s cold , it’s hard , it’s the shock that I got here in this hole . It’s funny how much pain one person can take and yet hide it with a simple smile , yet they don’t know I cry when I’m alone . 

This is not who I am . These moments don’t define me , nor will they harden me for I know it was not my doing . 

It’s almost like being in the hospital , you know your not feeling well , but it will get better and in time you will be home . 

This is where I’m at . Forcing myself out of the quick sand . Writing is my therapy 

I’m sitting here on my day off , listening to Zack Hemsey imagining how I could change the world . If I could I would heal everyone so everyone would love . 

Last night an old friend text me . I dated him when Austin was a little baby so like 17 years ago . A professional soccer player . We were young . He text me to see how I was . Then he asked if I would drive 2 hours to see him after work ? 

Yeah ok . Let me drive 2 hours so you can use me ? No thanks . Why can’t people care about you with out an agenda . 

Does love always have an agenda too ? 

I’m not a hopeless romantic I promise . 

I’m a realist . But why are people so selfish ? 

Now I’m rambling I have many things to do today . Thanks for listening . 

Cheers to healing . 

Wreckage

It’s twisted debris on the road way 

Left in the wreckage 

Can’t believe I’m living 

I’m shaking 

I’m crying 

The clouds race above 

Like in the movies 

And you stopped Time 

As I hung up the phone 

I felt you in the ball of my throat 

Excuse me while I clear it quickly 

As I see you evaporate in smoke 

It’s a tragedy 

You chose . 

I was half in 

I was half out 

My seat belt was on . 

It’s some sort of fucked up beautiful suicide . The way love dies . 

It’s beauty and the beast 

The rose always In prisoned behind glass 

It’s a shame I’m writing this letter 

It means you are dead 

I walked away from the wreckage 

You were driving to fast 

Driving 

Under the influence 

We’re all buried there 

Between yellow lines and broken promises . 

Is where we will stay . 

A grave . 

It was your choice as I walk away 

I’m shaking 

I’m crying 

I’m in disbelief 

By : amy Everett 

Exit

Today I close my eyes and imagine driving through a forest on a cool day while Zack Hemsey plays Lost and Found . I’m in a super car a Lamborghini perhaps except I’m in the drivers seat. Will you be my passenger ? I’m on my way to no where and the mountain air brings me a peace I’ve never known before . I see you look at me and I smile 

All the nightmares of yesterday are erased they have no power in this place and here is where all demons die . 

I dream about this drive so many times 

Destination does it really matter . And everything that never loved me is left lost and left behind . 

A broken and shattered memory of what let me go and what I let sit in the dark room buried in the ocean . 

No one can find me here . Making dreams come true that matter and only taking with me , the ones who have loved me back . 

Ferenheight (1)

It’s raining Alice .
The trees bend in sorrow like the lost smiles hiding under winters shadows .

I hold a hundred notes written in pen
Return to sender addressed to him
He couldn’t see it .

Alice drops face first
In April’s funeral .
I sit here screaming and I’ve lost my voice
He just couldn’t see me .

There’s just no use Alice .
God holds my tears in a casket
Under pillows and dark nights

I’ve made oceans
As I lie alone
Still an orphan to love .

I carved our initials in wood
You carved our initials in pen .

I traded my worth for scars
Only to be stranded and alone .

Alice where is it now we go .
I ask God for forgiveness
Should’ve cautioned all of this
With all the bruises and hand prints
He left on my eyes .

I’ll give you my star I wished on every night
I think she broke some how
Fell from this sky .

Alice make me strong again
Oh my dear you were all along .

At The Edge

What do you do when you find your self at a bridge you can’t find your way across .  A deep sadness that won’t quit and can’t be fixed . What do you do when your sitting at a funeral , there is nothing you can do to bring life ? 

I see another road . I just need to sit in this place for a while . I thought this was the way . 

I know now I was wrong . I traveled so far to get to this bridge , fought the unthinkable and barely survived the journey . All to figure out it’s not my path? ? 

I close my eyes and pretend it’s raining as my heart races . I’m lost in this jungle 

And 

I’m alone . 

I pray the hardest I’ve ever prayed . I ask why God ? I can only trust him and go the other way . 

I don’t understand wasting steps wasting love or time . If you invest everything  you have into something how does it simply not give back ? 

All I know now is pain . I’m an orphan to love . My knees are raw and bloody . 

I’m tired and filthy . And most of all I’m lost and alone . 

I’m brave yes . I risked everything yes . 

For what ? 

I’ll sit here at the edge of the world and watch this broken bridge that led to my future . 

I need rest . Wouldn’t it be nice to be loved . God show me your love let me feel your love . Heal me so I may continue on . 

Dear stalker

Dear Tony crespo

You are a stranger I had to call the police because you were harassing and stalking me I see that you check my blog obsessively . I can see eveything . The fact you check it all night long 16 times is crazy . I don’t know you I never did but you need to leave me alone .

Anthems

Its 6:45 pm its Valentines . I’m at work alone it’s quiet . I hate this holiday for so many reasons one of them being , why not show this amount of love every day ? Two it’s alwats been cursed for me .

I spent my Valentines 3 years ago with someone I grew up with a Christian guy who proclaimed he had so much love to give me . As I drove to his house for our date after my 15 hour shift I found him so wasted he passed out ten min later . Never to be heard from again . Not even an apology . I mean who can we trust these days ? Last year I received an expensive bouquet of roses by someone who had money to spend because money didn’t matter not because I mattered . This year I’m alone because I was told I mattered but there was never an action to show that he cared at all . In fact he did eveything opposite and broke every promise . 

I can’t play the blame game . I mean why am I picking bad people ? Why am I doing all the caring while they do the taking ? One sided relationships are damaging and toxic 

I deserve to be someone’s queen , not the after thought . Maybe I should listen to my own motto I wrote years ago . I need to pick up my value in gold where they see me as pennies I need to let them go and run ! Who do they think they are.  ? Narcissism at its finest . I’m a pretty damn good catch 

Someone will realize it . But first the person I need to fall in love with is myself . And not let losers like these walk on me and make me cry . I’m not an option I’m a priority . 

Here is my anthem I wrote long ago words to live by : 

I am just a writer .... waiting for you.. to give me a reason to write.

Carpe Diem.... Life Is A Stage .. What is your part.. Live without regret..Live loudly..Wish Big...Always accept an invitation.. Always follow your dreams.. Always love like you've never been hurt before.. Always hold onto your Aces..Dance like you drank a little too much..Never let any one tell you who you are.. Always be who you are.. Never let any one yell at you and tell you it's all your fault ... We are here to be loved not misused , abused , or taken for granted.. Never forget to Pray because God never forgets you... I love Italian Food and I love to live dangerously.. I love scary movies and I want to go back packing ... My dream is to see castles in England and to find my prince who can give his heart whole heartedly... I love to write poetry , The ocean is my sanity , I love to smile.. I love my friends they're always there to catch me when I fall .. or when I've been pushed around.. I love my son Austin he is my hero.. My light at the end of every tunnel.. God is my passion he leads me through every dark night.. and every scary battle.. And here I am now.. Loving you ... Loving life for all that it has to give me.. Good and bad.. tears and smiles.. Nights of loneliness and some full of love... Lets all do this ride together.... Here we go... No Regrets..

My life is not lived in black and white , I don't regret that . People can judge me before they ever know me , I don't regret that either , that's their regret . I have my mistakes you have yours , we have our friends that chose to walk the path and not leave our sides , that's called family . I have family who does not walk with me , that's called strangers . I care about the people who won't need to write out the speech at my funeral , they'll speak it by heart - that's brotherhood ..... 

I like old Skool music and simple words that hold all their meanings because words mean everything . That's the only thing I take very seriously , other wise I hate rules and propaganda and any walls that try to hold me .... 

I hate circumstance and honour comes before my needs . That's just who I am . My kids saved my life as well as Jesus , they are the macaroni to my cheese - 

Shoot me if I love with my whole heart I just don't love every body - 

But I love the needy and I encompass empathy I hate hypocrisy . 

I love fun and sarcasm and challenges 

I'm smarter than I let on I just let you talk to much .

If you left me , you didn't know me and I'm probably better off - 

This concludes my story if you didn't know I love tori Amos and I write in historical codes in my poetry . If you can figure out Anastasia you may be smarter than me - 

- Agent Orange

Black Petals (1)

They say the rabbits watch is cracked
I been listening to his direction all along
He says Alice , don't cry .
It's the rain you know in your sky that rust all the knobs on your heart
And I am alone she says
As she waits on the storm
Am I the only one I asked the rabbit ? As I watch the roses wither in winter or did he know black is my favorite color .

I left notes along the path
You never read them
Just buried them in the snow
It's kind of like a heart attack
As I wait in my jacket invisible
He says your just a peasant
He never saw her crown
The rabbit mourns
I'm lost in the hallways -
I am found .

I no longer write for you
As you hide behind your mask .
It's half past 9 now
And my trail of I love you s are long lost and forgotten like yesterday's trash .

Alice your a beautiful mess
Red lip stick
Don't worry the rabbit says
Your beautiful like the sunset

Dating Your Husband

I wanted to share some advice my friend Katie shared with me over a year ago . It never made sense to me until it clicked 

She showed me this bible study on dating your husband . I wasn’t sure what that meant . What was Katie trying to tell me . As I watched this lady do her sermon it made sense but still even though I watched it a year ago I didn’t listen to the advice of this Sermon so I’m sharing it with you today . 

God wants us to treat ourselves to his standard . We are Gods temple . God says to find a husband who loves you like God loves the church . 

First we need to look how God loves the church . Unconditional love . Not just unconditional but sacrificial . What is sacrificial love ? When someone puts your needs first ? When they sacrifice there needs for yours ? 

Tell me what does your husband look like ? He loves you , makes you feel safe 

He has morals , he isn’t looking for other woman behind your back , he makes you feel loved , he loves the Lord . 

He is honest right . The list goes on . 

But what we find is that we are dating people who fall short , way short of the husband list . If this is the case your not serious about finding the man God has in store for you . 

Your just dating boys . 

And getting a lot of heart ache In return 

Date your husband ladies ! 

Or your just looking for pain . Ask yourself is the man your dating treating you as your future husband would ? 

Does he value you ? Honor you ? Sacrifice for you ? 

Or are you left feeling hurt and confused constantly . 

The Bible says Satan is author of confusion . If your with the man God sent for you , would you be confused ? 

Would this man let you be confused ? 

No . 

Be single . Pray and make God your first love then when the right time comes 

Your “ husband “ will come . 

I should’ve listened long ago now I’m left with so much pain . It’s my fault . 

I deleted all my social media to focus on God I’m doing nothing with out his words guiding me . 

Jeremiah 29:11 

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord to prosper you not “ to harm “ 

You . 

Get it Gods promise is for us not to be harmed . 

Thank you 

Agent Orange 

Rules to live by

Today’s weather reminds me of Catalina island weather , cold and cloudy but no rain . Something about today’s clouds takes me back to this place . 

It’s Saturday at 3:42 pm . I’m at work and I’m freezing . My phone is at 12% but I wanted to give some sound advice 

Advice no one should break . Always chose people who will take care of your heart as carefully as you take care of there’s . 

If you put them first , and your just an option , lose them . If you listen to them do whatever it takes to bring them love but when your hurting they don’t care or they put you down this is emotionally unavailable person who will hurt you leave them . 

If you are constantly giving and they are taking for emotions for everything and it’s one sided leave . 

No your value , there is power in that . Take your beauty and all the love you have to offer and only give it to people who cherish you value you make you a priority love your heart never settle . 

If I could I would write this in blood and never doubt yourself . You know when someone isn’t treating you right . 

Walk away . They don’t love you or you would feel safe , not confused , not abused or hurting . This is not love friends . So love yourself . 

Surface Streets

It’s below the surface like an anchor 

Crying under the sea 

Like a dark alley begging for sun light

I’m fine on the outside . 

It’s the power of a smile when it’s raining inside 

You couldn’t ever know 

As it waits in the shadows 

I’m a tree carved with old initials 

Washed away by worn shoe laces and miles . 

I can barely make the message out

As the rainbow reflects new time 

And the hour glass moves her hands 

To applaud me for making all this last 

She said we’re still here 

Let’s make the most of this . 

I can’t look back . 

It’s a disease of the heart 

Blood runs blue . 

Don’t forget that . 

Night

I see the night sky staring me down 

Like I’m the sunset stealing her thunder 

And I wonder 

If I pass through your thoughts when it’s midnight and you can’t sleep 

And if this was love is this a question I should be wondering as I wake from a nightmare of you leaving 

Me . 

There’s an IV and it’s leaking on the floor 

I watch the blood empty I lay here alone 

As they walk the halls 

Would it help to scream 

Would it help run free 

Would it help if you noticed 

Me . 

It’s a hemorrhage of mascara 

From an iris as the crows circle the crowded sky . 

They say there there it’s alright 

And I’m running dry . 

And the phones been disconnected 

You say it’s alright . 

I fight this mask you wear 

I’ll rip it to shreds to see your fears 

It begins to rain 

There’s a hole in my stomach 

She passes away 

And all the chaos 

Melts like old newspaper ads 

No one wants to hear . 

I’m invisible in here 

If love was a pillow 

Would she be black 

Like the night 

I can’t sleep . 

Save 

Me. 

Death Bed (1)

The holes are vast like a net 

Water falling never catching 

Like the pain 

It seethes in red like fire 

Burning forest and it’s victims 

As I stand here naked 

I am invisible 

Withering away 

Do you know this pain ? 

Can’t be erased by one lined 

Apology . 

No regrets no harm done he says 

As I rock myself to sleep in a silent room 

I erase the vomit filled memories 

They cut me like small razors 

Filling each hole with alcohol 

And I scream in silence 

No ambulance can carry me to my healing 

And I’m sorry I didn’t want to bother you with all of this . 

I just wanted you to see with your own eyes 

What I feel below the surface 

And how can you look at me in the face and say absolutely nothing of all of this 

You laugh tell me I’m trippin

How can I think you don’t love me ? 

And the tide pulls me farther under neath 

And you look at me with a blank stare 

And as long as I’m brave and I tell you it’s alright , your ok . Your ok to use me 

And you call this love ? 

Do you hear me 

Do you hear me 

As I’m sinking 

Do you see me standing here naked and bleeding 

Knifes in my back 

And you hand me a one line apology 

And you see me 

And say nothing 

As they drive me to my own funeral 

You smile and say everything is alright 

As I wither away 

You say I love you 

Bench Mark

I’m in a weird place . I feel like I should document it for so many reasons . I feel like I know for a fact I found my one true love . I know it deep inside , but it’s so broken I don’t know how to connect the dots to us being together forever . It’s like finding a road you been looking for and your on the path and suddenly the road is missing . You can’t see the other side but you know it’s there and you are so confused of why it’s gone . I’m sitting here at the edge of this world dangling my feet with you
Do I turn back on the road I was so sure of ? Was I wrong ? Did I take the wrong turn ? I need a sign God . I need God to guide me . Where do I go from here ? I need you to show me .

Type Ropes

It’s 9:36 am . I have anxiety so bad I can’t sleep . Wounds seething at night praying to be healed . I find my heart racing and I clutch my chest will I live ? 

I’ve found I’ve been through much more than I can bear this year . I want to be strong not vulnerable . I’m scared never been so scared . I feel like I’m walking on a high rise on a windy day . All day all night . It never subsides . Depression seems to be alarming my daughter catches me off guard ask me if I’m ok . 

I try to pray and read verses . Let God be in control . I’m usually good at this but not today or yesterday . 

I can’t shake it . I can’t breathe . 

I can’t escape it . 

Letter to You

It’s been a while hasn’t it . It’s friday night 6:30 pm . And I’m listening to Boxer - Mistaken For Steangers . I feel a deep drepression coursing through my veins like a poison rotting away at my joy
The weird thing is , I realize this is Love in its rare form . My boyfriend is away for a few weeks , and I miss him deeply . I don’t think I’ve eaten more than a meal in a week . I guess when someone you love is gone you realize some things . You realize who you don’t love and you realize how vulnerable you are that fear consumes you that you could lose them , he could forget me . Maybe this does not sound rational but our relationship has not been conventional . And I’m swallowing coal . Praying it’s gods will that we will survive any storm .

Maybe he fears the same things . Maybe he does not . I will not know for a while but what I do know is that it’s friday night . I’m writing all of you as you are all out partying and laughing and I’m in bed missing him . I’m hoping he’s missing me . And love this thing ain’t easy . But we can’t chose who we love but we chose to continue to love .

And I chose him . Maybe I’ll try to sleep these days away or find joy in my daughters smile or in prayer , or the fresh air . I mean I am alive and I have come to conclusions and some I have not .

The question now is how long can I go with out eating . How do I make the stress not kill me

- Agent Orange

The Magician

It's like I'm drowning at sea
Hoping that you reach for me
I know you're there, but I can't see
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
I'm dying to breathe
And all you do is strangle me
Such a beautiful relief
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
Drunk off tragic endings- Eminem 

It’s a copper wire laying in a bed of water 

It’s my eye lash falling in the winter 

It’s my heart beating in the sewer 

You mock my time served with - you 

Spitting in my face 

As I grab your hand to save you from falling 

You slit my throat as I lean over for a kiss 

Now I pulled the rug 

You thought you were the great magician 

I’m holding these cards 

I throw yours 

Just the joker 

I’m the queen - 

There’s a bed I lay alone in 

But there’s no room 

For murderers 

As my panties lay wet 

Like paint on a wall in church 

I sacrificed for you 

You drove the nail through 

You set me on fire 

You tell me you love me 

As you hang me from the banister 

You think it’s ok 

And every excuse is one last breath 

Leaving 

Old diamonds 

Old dreams 

Shatter in the fire 

You laugh in the darkness 

As you blow away our ashes 

I’ve never seen such a murder scene 

And you say baby ? 

As you disrespect me ? 

So let’s play ring around the rosey

As I laugh at your stupidity 

How can you say you love me 

As I drowned in your sea . 

Painting

There’s something about a picket fence 

I’m always on the wrong side of 

And all the initials you carved on this tree 

Who else’s are carved on your bottles 

As you get lost with out me 

I’m a memory know one seems to hold on to 

Nothing important to do . 

I lay on the grass counting lost peices of sky 

Is everything going to be alright 

No one holding my hand . 

Always alone again 

I gave you paper heart 

Cursive note 

Read I love you 

As it blows 

Away in the wind . 

What’s one more 

One more night 

Forgetting about me . 

As I lie here on the other side of the fence 

Looking in 

Painted picture frames 

I’m never in . 

Sometimes I cry 

Sometimes I drive . 

When am I worth it 

To take my hand

Carve my initials on your heart 

I’ll be the Braille in your soul 

A moment you can’t let go of 

Not tonight 

Not tomorrow 

And I break 

Break this clock 

And all of it’s reminders 

Of you 

Miracle

So last night I was coming home with raigan from riverside Festival of Lights . We were almost home on the back road of Los Alamos road . If you know this road it is dark and windy . As I entered the back road Raigan was sleeping soundly in the back seat .

I checked my rear view mirror and saw what I thought to be a Porsche coming around the corner at about 150 mph

I know cars I love cars I raced cars as a hobby every day . I know what they can and can’t handle . This car passed me so fast I thought they were going to hit me I knew I would die .

They came with In a inch of hitting us . I called 911. I knew this car would not make it with out crashing . As I was speaking to the 911 operator I turned the bend and the vehicle was crashed on the side of the road it’s tail end in the sky and the dash was unseen planted In the earth and I’m pretty sure there were no survivors at this point I was glad I was already on the phone with 911 to get help they came right away .

I’m blessed to be alive . I don’t know what happened to this car I didn’t leave until help arrived . But you never know when something could happen . Thank you for saving us God

Dear Arsonist

The blind are broken 

Setting the world on fire 

Dear arsonist

Watch the ashes fall . 

I trade letters for regret 

Thank the Lord for my salvation 

I see you in my rear view mirror 

Laughing with your matches 

And I can barely breath 

I’m barely breathing 

As I’m escaping 

And there’s a difference 

Between the ones with hearts 

And the ones with none at all 

And there’s a difference 

With the ones with a conscience 

And the ones who pray to the Lord 

And I thank God for my salvation 

As your world is in flames 

And I can’t save you 

As you laugh 

I escape 

I’m barely breathing 

They say 

In the end times man will have no conscience they will steal , kill and destroy . 

Thank you Lord that I am not blind 

I am not lost . 

Thank you for saving me 

Thank you for your grace 

 Dear arsonist 

I leave you behind 

Trading you letters for regret 

So I can breathe again 

Blessings

Your not sure how it started your day but you know how it’s going to go . I leave the house with no money and change in case I need money in my gas tank . I pray to God I’ll make it through the day . My pay checks aren’t quite enough to pay all the bills much less Christmas and I’m relying on God to get me through the month . 

I make it to work and a friend is waiting there for me with a Christmas envelope and mind you I didn’t have food that day or the day before or gas money and I open the envelope to find she blessed me with 80 dollars how does that happen on a Sunday , when you have nothing to make it to pay day . God is good and so is my friend . Thank you friend . She has no idea the blessing you brought this week to my life . 

So Thursday comes along I been driving to Rancho Cucamonga every day for work so that money was gone fast and on my way home Thursday night my gas was on zero and my ex husband told me to stop by that night to get some money early for raigan he would be out of town 

What is the timing on that ? Thank you 

God . 

I sat at work this week with no customers and a man called he was a stranger and told me he loved the lord and the lord told him I was a compassionate person I needed to help people and I was wasting my time at my job . He was right I did have a passion for people . 

God works and this week it’s been every single day . I want to send a message to everyone not to give up hope he hears you , he sees you . And thank you to my friends who have helped I love you !! 

Death Row

The committee calls treason 

Do you understand the charges 

You sowed the noose around your neck 

As I held your hand . 

You whisper dying words 

I love you 

But I don’t understand . 

The jury has no mercy 

Your  always asking for just one more chance . 

Tell me with my lips as I kiss you 

You stab me in the heart 

And I reckon you knew exactly what you were doing at the time . 

Now the funeral plays on 

And you cry ? 

You like to watch me die 

In your crown of glory 

You hide 

Made of ashes 

Slitting the wrist of time . 

What is it you want from the dead 

To kill her once again ? 

Look what you’ve done they said 

Blood falls from her mouth 

Look what you’ve done they said 

You laugh 

It’s Just The Truth

I never believed in true love . Until I fell in love then I was shown that true love does not exist . 

It’s just a lie we sell ourself until we are used , lied to , and left alone . 

Love is not real . Between two people