Dear stalker

Dear Tony crespo

You are a stranger I had to call the police because you were harassing and stalking me I see that you check my blog obsessively . I can see eveything . The fact you check it all night long 16 times is crazy . I don’t know you I never did but you need to leave me alone .

Anthems

Its 6:45 pm its Valentines . I’m at work alone it’s quiet . I hate this holiday for so many reasons one of them being , why not show this amount of love every day ? Two it’s alwats been cursed for me .

I spent my Valentines 3 years ago with someone I grew up with a Christian guy who proclaimed he had so much love to give me . As I drove to his house for our date after my 15 hour shift I found him so wasted he passed out ten min later . Never to be heard from again . Not even an apology . I mean who can we trust these days ? Last year I received an expensive bouquet of roses by someone who had money to spend because money didn’t matter not because I mattered . This year I’m alone because I was told I mattered but there was never an action to show that he cared at all . In fact he did eveything opposite and broke every promise . 

I can’t play the blame game . I mean why am I picking bad people ? Why am I doing all the caring while they do the taking ? One sided relationships are damaging and toxic 

I deserve to be someone’s queen , not the after thought . Maybe I should listen to my own motto I wrote years ago . I need to pick up my value in gold where they see me as pennies I need to let them go and run ! Who do they think they are.  ? Narcissism at its finest . I’m a pretty damn good catch 

Someone will realize it . But first the person I need to fall in love with is myself . And not let losers like these walk on me and make me cry . I’m not an option I’m a priority . 

Here is my anthem I wrote long ago words to live by : 

I am just a writer .... waiting for you.. to give me a reason to write.

Carpe Diem.... Life Is A Stage .. What is your part.. Live without regret..Live loudly..Wish Big...Always accept an invitation.. Always follow your dreams.. Always love like you've never been hurt before.. Always hold onto your Aces..Dance like you drank a little too much..Never let any one tell you who you are.. Always be who you are.. Never let any one yell at you and tell you it's all your fault ... We are here to be loved not misused , abused , or taken for granted.. Never forget to Pray because God never forgets you... I love Italian Food and I love to live dangerously.. I love scary movies and I want to go back packing ... My dream is to see castles in England and to find my prince who can give his heart whole heartedly... I love to write poetry , The ocean is my sanity , I love to smile.. I love my friends they're always there to catch me when I fall .. or when I've been pushed around.. I love my son Austin he is my hero.. My light at the end of every tunnel.. God is my passion he leads me through every dark night.. and every scary battle.. And here I am now.. Loving you ... Loving life for all that it has to give me.. Good and bad.. tears and smiles.. Nights of loneliness and some full of love... Lets all do this ride together.... Here we go... No Regrets..

My life is not lived in black and white , I don't regret that . People can judge me before they ever know me , I don't regret that either , that's their regret . I have my mistakes you have yours , we have our friends that chose to walk the path and not leave our sides , that's called family . I have family who does not walk with me , that's called strangers . I care about the people who won't need to write out the speech at my funeral , they'll speak it by heart - that's brotherhood ..... 

I like old Skool music and simple words that hold all their meanings because words mean everything . That's the only thing I take very seriously , other wise I hate rules and propaganda and any walls that try to hold me .... 

I hate circumstance and honour comes before my needs . That's just who I am . My kids saved my life as well as Jesus , they are the macaroni to my cheese - 

Shoot me if I love with my whole heart I just don't love every body - 

But I love the needy and I encompass empathy I hate hypocrisy . 

I love fun and sarcasm and challenges 

I'm smarter than I let on I just let you talk to much .

If you left me , you didn't know me and I'm probably better off - 

This concludes my story if you didn't know I love tori Amos and I write in historical codes in my poetry . If you can figure out Anastasia you may be smarter than me - 

- Agent Orange

Black Petals (1)

They say the rabbits watch is cracked
I been listening to his direction all along
He says Alice , don't cry .
It's the rain you know in your sky that rust all the knobs on your heart
And I am alone she says
As she waits on the storm
Am I the only one I asked the rabbit ? As I watch the roses wither in winter or did he know black is my favorite color .

I left notes along the path
You never read them
Just buried them in the snow
It's kind of like a heart attack
As I wait in my jacket invisible
He says your just a peasant
He never saw her crown
The rabbit mourns
I'm lost in the hallways -
I am found .

I no longer write for you
As you hide behind your mask .
It's half past 9 now
And my trail of I love you s are long lost and forgotten like yesterday's trash .

Alice your a beautiful mess
Red lip stick
Don't worry the rabbit says
Your beautiful like the sunset

Dating Your Husband

I wanted to share some advice my friend Katie shared with me over a year ago . It never made sense to me until it clicked 

She showed me this bible study on dating your husband . I wasn’t sure what that meant . What was Katie trying to tell me . As I watched this lady do her sermon it made sense but still even though I watched it a year ago I didn’t listen to the advice of this Sermon so I’m sharing it with you today . 

God wants us to treat ourselves to his standard . We are Gods temple . God says to find a husband who loves you like God loves the church . 

First we need to look how God loves the church . Unconditional love . Not just unconditional but sacrificial . What is sacrificial love ? When someone puts your needs first ? When they sacrifice there needs for yours ? 

Tell me what does your husband look like ? He loves you , makes you feel safe 

He has morals , he isn’t looking for other woman behind your back , he makes you feel loved , he loves the Lord . 

He is honest right . The list goes on . 

But what we find is that we are dating people who fall short , way short of the husband list . If this is the case your not serious about finding the man God has in store for you . 

Your just dating boys . 

And getting a lot of heart ache In return 

Date your husband ladies ! 

Or your just looking for pain . Ask yourself is the man your dating treating you as your future husband would ? 

Does he value you ? Honor you ? Sacrifice for you ? 

Or are you left feeling hurt and confused constantly . 

The Bible says Satan is author of confusion . If your with the man God sent for you , would you be confused ? 

Would this man let you be confused ? 

No . 

Be single . Pray and make God your first love then when the right time comes 

Your “ husband “ will come . 

I should’ve listened long ago now I’m left with so much pain . It’s my fault . 

I deleted all my social media to focus on God I’m doing nothing with out his words guiding me . 

Jeremiah 29:11 

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord to prosper you not “ to harm “ 

You . 

Get it Gods promise is for us not to be harmed . 

Thank you 

Agent Orange 

Rules to live by

Today’s weather reminds me of Catalina island weather , cold and cloudy but no rain . Something about today’s clouds takes me back to this place . 

It’s Saturday at 3:42 pm . I’m at work and I’m freezing . My phone is at 12% but I wanted to give some sound advice 

Advice no one should break . Always chose people who will take care of your heart as carefully as you take care of there’s . 

If you put them first , and your just an option , lose them . If you listen to them do whatever it takes to bring them love but when your hurting they don’t care or they put you down this is emotionally unavailable person who will hurt you leave them . 

If you are constantly giving and they are taking for emotions for everything and it’s one sided leave . 

No your value , there is power in that . Take your beauty and all the love you have to offer and only give it to people who cherish you value you make you a priority love your heart never settle . 

If I could I would write this in blood and never doubt yourself . You know when someone isn’t treating you right . 

Walk away . They don’t love you or you would feel safe , not confused , not abused or hurting . This is not love friends . So love yourself . 

Surface Streets

It’s below the surface like an anchor 

Crying under the sea 

Like a dark alley begging for sun light

I’m fine on the outside . 

It’s the power of a smile when it’s raining inside 

You couldn’t ever know 

As it waits in the shadows 

I’m a tree carved with old initials 

Washed away by worn shoe laces and miles . 

I can barely make the message out

As the rainbow reflects new time 

And the hour glass moves her hands 

To applaud me for making all this last 

She said we’re still here 

Let’s make the most of this . 

I can’t look back . 

It’s a disease of the heart 

Blood runs blue . 

Don’t forget that . 

Night

I see the night sky staring me down 

Like I’m the sunset stealing her thunder 

And I wonder 

If I pass through your thoughts when it’s midnight and you can’t sleep 

And if this was love is this a question I should be wondering as I wake from a nightmare of you leaving 

Me . 

There’s an IV and it’s leaking on the floor 

I watch the blood empty I lay here alone 

As they walk the halls 

Would it help to scream 

Would it help run free 

Would it help if you noticed 

Me . 

It’s a hemorrhage of mascara 

From an iris as the crows circle the crowded sky . 

They say there there it’s alright 

And I’m running dry . 

And the phones been disconnected 

You say it’s alright . 

I fight this mask you wear 

I’ll rip it to shreds to see your fears 

It begins to rain 

There’s a hole in my stomach 

She passes away 

And all the chaos 

Melts like old newspaper ads 

No one wants to hear . 

I’m invisible in here 

If love was a pillow 

Would she be black 

Like the night 

I can’t sleep . 

Save 

Me. 

Death Bed (1)

The holes are vast like a net 

Water falling never catching 

Like the pain 

It seethes in red like fire 

Burning forest and it’s victims 

As I stand here naked 

I am invisible 

Withering away 

Do you know this pain ? 

Can’t be erased by one lined 

Apology . 

No regrets no harm done he says 

As I rock myself to sleep in a silent room 

I erase the vomit filled memories 

They cut me like small razors 

Filling each hole with alcohol 

And I scream in silence 

No ambulance can carry me to my healing 

And I’m sorry I didn’t want to bother you with all of this . 

I just wanted you to see with your own eyes 

What I feel below the surface 

And how can you look at me in the face and say absolutely nothing of all of this 

You laugh tell me I’m trippin

How can I think you don’t love me ? 

And the tide pulls me farther under neath 

And you look at me with a blank stare 

And as long as I’m brave and I tell you it’s alright , your ok . Your ok to use me 

And you call this love ? 

Do you hear me 

Do you hear me 

As I’m sinking 

Do you see me standing here naked and bleeding 

Knifes in my back 

And you hand me a one line apology 

And you see me 

And say nothing 

As they drive me to my own funeral 

You smile and say everything is alright 

As I wither away 

You say I love you 

Bench Mark

I’m in a weird place . I feel like I should document it for so many reasons . I feel like I know for a fact I found my one true love . I know it deep inside , but it’s so broken I don’t know how to connect the dots to us being together forever . It’s like finding a road you been looking for and your on the path and suddenly the road is missing . You can’t see the other side but you know it’s there and you are so confused of why it’s gone . I’m sitting here at the edge of this world dangling my feet with you
Do I turn back on the road I was so sure of ? Was I wrong ? Did I take the wrong turn ? I need a sign God . I need God to guide me . Where do I go from here ? I need you to show me .

Type Ropes

It’s 9:36 am . I have anxiety so bad I can’t sleep . Wounds seething at night praying to be healed . I find my heart racing and I clutch my chest will I live ? 

I’ve found I’ve been through much more than I can bear this year . I want to be strong not vulnerable . I’m scared never been so scared . I feel like I’m walking on a high rise on a windy day . All day all night . It never subsides . Depression seems to be alarming my daughter catches me off guard ask me if I’m ok . 

I try to pray and read verses . Let God be in control . I’m usually good at this but not today or yesterday . 

I can’t shake it . I can’t breathe . 

I can’t escape it . 

Letter to You

It’s been a while hasn’t it . It’s friday night 6:30 pm . And I’m listening to Boxer - Mistaken For Steangers . I feel a deep drepression coursing through my veins like a poison rotting away at my joy
The weird thing is , I realize this is Love in its rare form . My boyfriend is away for a few weeks , and I miss him deeply . I don’t think I’ve eaten more than a meal in a week . I guess when someone you love is gone you realize some things . You realize who you don’t love and you realize how vulnerable you are that fear consumes you that you could lose them , he could forget me . Maybe this does not sound rational but our relationship has not been conventional . And I’m swallowing coal . Praying it’s gods will that we will survive any storm .

Maybe he fears the same things . Maybe he does not . I will not know for a while but what I do know is that it’s friday night . I’m writing all of you as you are all out partying and laughing and I’m in bed missing him . I’m hoping he’s missing me . And love this thing ain’t easy . But we can’t chose who we love but we chose to continue to love .

And I chose him . Maybe I’ll try to sleep these days away or find joy in my daughters smile or in prayer , or the fresh air . I mean I am alive and I have come to conclusions and some I have not .

The question now is how long can I go with out eating . How do I make the stress not kill me

- Agent Orange

The Magician

It's like I'm drowning at sea
Hoping that you reach for me
I know you're there, but I can't see
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
I'm dying to breathe
And all you do is strangle me
Such a beautiful relief
'Cause I'm so drunk off tragic endings
Drunk off tragic endings- Eminem 

It’s a copper wire laying in a bed of water 

It’s my eye lash falling in the winter 

It’s my heart beating in the sewer 

You mock my time served with - you 

Spitting in my face 

As I grab your hand to save you from falling 

You slit my throat as I lean over for a kiss 

Now I pulled the rug 

You thought you were the great magician 

I’m holding these cards 

I throw yours 

Just the joker 

I’m the queen - 

There’s a bed I lay alone in 

But there’s no room 

For murderers 

As my panties lay wet 

Like paint on a wall in church 

I sacrificed for you 

You drove the nail through 

You set me on fire 

You tell me you love me 

As you hang me from the banister 

You think it’s ok 

And every excuse is one last breath 

Leaving 

Old diamonds 

Old dreams 

Shatter in the fire 

You laugh in the darkness 

As you blow away our ashes 

I’ve never seen such a murder scene 

And you say baby ? 

As you disrespect me ? 

So let’s play ring around the rosey

As I laugh at your stupidity 

How can you say you love me 

As I drowned in your sea . 

Painting

There’s something about a picket fence 

I’m always on the wrong side of 

And all the initials you carved on this tree 

Who else’s are carved on your bottles 

As you get lost with out me 

I’m a memory know one seems to hold on to 

Nothing important to do . 

I lay on the grass counting lost peices of sky 

Is everything going to be alright 

No one holding my hand . 

Always alone again 

I gave you paper heart 

Cursive note 

Read I love you 

As it blows 

Away in the wind . 

What’s one more 

One more night 

Forgetting about me . 

As I lie here on the other side of the fence 

Looking in 

Painted picture frames 

I’m never in . 

Sometimes I cry 

Sometimes I drive . 

When am I worth it 

To take my hand

Carve my initials on your heart 

I’ll be the Braille in your soul 

A moment you can’t let go of 

Not tonight 

Not tomorrow 

And I break 

Break this clock 

And all of it’s reminders 

Of you 

Miracle

So last night I was coming home with raigan from riverside Festival of Lights . We were almost home on the back road of Los Alamos road . If you know this road it is dark and windy . As I entered the back road Raigan was sleeping soundly in the back seat .

I checked my rear view mirror and saw what I thought to be a Porsche coming around the corner at about 150 mph

I know cars I love cars I raced cars as a hobby every day . I know what they can and can’t handle . This car passed me so fast I thought they were going to hit me I knew I would die .

They came with In a inch of hitting us . I called 911. I knew this car would not make it with out crashing . As I was speaking to the 911 operator I turned the bend and the vehicle was crashed on the side of the road it’s tail end in the sky and the dash was unseen planted In the earth and I’m pretty sure there were no survivors at this point I was glad I was already on the phone with 911 to get help they came right away .

I’m blessed to be alive . I don’t know what happened to this car I didn’t leave until help arrived . But you never know when something could happen . Thank you for saving us God

Dear Arsonist

The blind are broken 

Setting the world on fire 

Dear arsonist

Watch the ashes fall . 

I trade letters for regret 

Thank the Lord for my salvation 

I see you in my rear view mirror 

Laughing with your matches 

And I can barely breath 

I’m barely breathing 

As I’m escaping 

And there’s a difference 

Between the ones with hearts 

And the ones with none at all 

And there’s a difference 

With the ones with a conscience 

And the ones who pray to the Lord 

And I thank God for my salvation 

As your world is in flames 

And I can’t save you 

As you laugh 

I escape 

I’m barely breathing 

They say 

In the end times man will have no conscience they will steal , kill and destroy . 

Thank you Lord that I am not blind 

I am not lost . 

Thank you for saving me 

Thank you for your grace 

 Dear arsonist 

I leave you behind 

Trading you letters for regret 

So I can breathe again 

Blessings

Your not sure how it started your day but you know how it’s going to go . I leave the house with no money and change in case I need money in my gas tank . I pray to God I’ll make it through the day . My pay checks aren’t quite enough to pay all the bills much less Christmas and I’m relying on God to get me through the month . 

I make it to work and a friend is waiting there for me with a Christmas envelope and mind you I didn’t have food that day or the day before or gas money and I open the envelope to find she blessed me with 80 dollars how does that happen on a Sunday , when you have nothing to make it to pay day . God is good and so is my friend . Thank you friend . She has no idea the blessing you brought this week to my life . 

So Thursday comes along I been driving to Rancho Cucamonga every day for work so that money was gone fast and on my way home Thursday night my gas was on zero and my ex husband told me to stop by that night to get some money early for raigan he would be out of town 

What is the timing on that ? Thank you 

God . 

I sat at work this week with no customers and a man called he was a stranger and told me he loved the lord and the lord told him I was a compassionate person I needed to help people and I was wasting my time at my job . He was right I did have a passion for people . 

God works and this week it’s been every single day . I want to send a message to everyone not to give up hope he hears you , he sees you . And thank you to my friends who have helped I love you !! 

Death Row

The committee calls treason 

Do you understand the charges 

You sowed the noose around your neck 

As I held your hand . 

You whisper dying words 

I love you 

But I don’t understand . 

The jury has no mercy 

Your  always asking for just one more chance . 

Tell me with my lips as I kiss you 

You stab me in the heart 

And I reckon you knew exactly what you were doing at the time . 

Now the funeral plays on 

And you cry ? 

You like to watch me die 

In your crown of glory 

You hide 

Made of ashes 

Slitting the wrist of time . 

What is it you want from the dead 

To kill her once again ? 

Look what you’ve done they said 

Blood falls from her mouth 

Look what you’ve done they said 

You laugh 

It’s Just The Truth

I never believed in true love . Until I fell in love then I was shown that true love does not exist . 

It’s just a lie we sell ourself until we are used , lied to , and left alone . 

Love is not real . Between two people 

Life advice

 When someone hurts you so bad you want them to make it better , You want them to make it all makes sense to make all the pain go away, but the truth is the person who put the hole in your boat for it to sink cannot fix it. If they are the ones who hurt you you can’t expect them to make it better, you have to move on and find a way to heal repair your own boat, and never let them touch your ship again. For if they made you drowned once they will certainly make you drowned again

Aeros (1)

Cupid’s bow lies broken 

In the snow . 

I’ll set him on fire 

A nightmare fairytale with out a 

White picket fence . 

What a scene . I buttoned up yesterday 

Like an old winter coat that was worn 

I was left cold . 

I can’t imagine writing such a story 

The deck of cards dealt 

I was betrayed 

You said I was a caterpillar 

What’s it like to kill a butterfly ? 

Lost now in this sand storm 

No water 

And I beg the heavens for me to forget 

Yesterday . 

I stitch up all your words in black marker 

I sing my self to sleep 

You died 

In me . 

I have the wounds to prove it still 

There isn’t a badge for bravery 

Only the bare ness of regret . 

You said your afraid of heights 

As you hang me from your bare hands 

Laughing at the noose around my neck 

I just needed a hero . 

Now I’m left dead . 

But you will never feel that 

Here is my letter 

As I rip apart this arrow 

And cry in silence  

The Funeral

It’s that moment when everything you had runs like a vein to your heart , a strong dose of fatal poison as you lie there in shock . Every memory as it passes each beat you watch burn behind sollen eyes . There is not one thing you can do about this kind of death 

It’s like a bullet to the brain . There isn’t anything you can do to change this . Your frozen there in time . Feeling sick in the pit of your stomach . 

In some empty abandon grave you sit forgotten like yesterday’s trash . 

The worst part is , you know with out a doubt that’s where you will remain . 

The person who was saving you all along was digging my grave . 

I can’t breathe . I can’t escape . What is the lesson in this murder scene 

As they wrap up the tape ? 

To always trust in your gut feeling . It never lies . 

Disaster

It was the conversation over coffee 

Going back and forth over news paper spread 

Black smudges on white intentions 

Rainy day . 

I ask about tomorrow 

This time there is 

No reply . 

The type writer is nervous 

And bends In the sun rise 

I take one last drink 

Before the day starts and ends 

All at the same time . 

So I ask you again . 

No answer. 

The silence is clear 

My mind sits as a heavy crowd in a New York subway 

Yet I seem calm . 

The ink runs dry . 

And realize 

I been talking 

To myself . 

Lamps (1)

Alice puts her head phones on 

Counts snow flakes one by one 

It’s never winter yet it’s always winter here 

I’m under the bed in the dark 

Lost in all these thoughts 

What do you think about my brass button coat 

Hanging on your door . 

As I cry alone on your bedroom floor . 

Do you see me there tonight 

Every tear a stain on your pillow 

So you can’t forget 

Maybe just maybe you will feel the way 

You bruised my face . 

Hiding under covers . 

I love you can’t fix black and blue decisions 

I thought it was possible 

Love . 

I thought you meant it 

But what did you mean 

As I lay here alone . 

My jacket still on your door 

I’m left full of regret 

What can I do 

As you live in these words 

As you throw away this book . 

Stand Still

It’s 2 pm I’m sitting at my work on a Saturday. I would give just about anything to be at the beach . I’m hearing some kind of awful music on the radio and today isn’t the best day ever . I have some sound advice for my audience that took my whole life to take . 

It’s simple really . So many people play games In relationships , who wins - who loses . When do I call ? How Can I make them jealous ? You guys are all wrong . 

Be real . Be yourself and honor and love and respect yourself first . Never set aside your dignity or self esteem for anyone . It’s that simple . Find a relationship that is equal give and take 

Equal love . There is no such thing in anything else or it’s just fake . Guard your heart only give it away to someone who keeps it as safe as they keep there own . Do not risk your emotional safety 

Any of us could die in this next moment 

Don’t waste your life on anyone or anything that hurts you , devalues you 

Write your list of things you need in someone and don’t settle . Love yourself first . If you have kids remember they watch you as an example 

Would you want your daughter to marry the man you are dating ? If not , why are you ? Would you want your son to marry a woman like the one you are dating ? 

If not , why are you ! Life is short . You have value . Would you throw your pearls to swine ? The Bible it’s self tells us not to . 

Be yourself , find someone who is genuine and honest . 

Have a happy Saturday ! 

No Apology (1)

I’m sorry if i didn’t meet your expectations of the perfect girl 

Didn’t you know the best part of me is how imperfect i can be . 

I’m a glasses girl with funny shaped lips 

And a big imagination 

I live in stories and who could pull me out 

Who could read between her lines and love her there 

Waiting in an ocean . 

Black eyes white panties waiting to escape 

Rip me into your beating heart 

Show me the darkest secrets where i can love . 

But didn’t you know I’m the girl in converse and a dress . 

You say , your not so pretty any more 

You say , you didn’t love me enough 

You never loved me whole 

I’m a cake that brings warm memories 

I’m a memory you never had before 

I’m a drop of rain you hold in the palm of your hand never to escape . 

Here i am alone writing stories . 

Who will understand me 

Have the strength to love me 

As i file them away 

I dream of winter 

And now you can’t take the best part of me . 

Like coated cotton candy 

And antique stores 

You’ll never find that flavor 

No one knows my name 

Tales Of A Librarian

I’m 39 and I see them every where , the post of couples and the guys putting there girl friends as there wcw . I’m over here knowing I’m to late . It’s to late for me . I won’t have a wedding , a proposal or even the ring . I’ve come to terms with this today . Maybe I’ll be a cat lady and live alone in Canada . Or drink coffee in Washington book stores alone as I watch the rain pour . I’ve accepted my single life fate . I guess I always wanted to know what it was like to have someone love me more than them self 

But I know God’s love for me . Right now that is enough . 

2017 Round About

It’s November 2nd I’m sitting at Richies Diner with Raigan it’s early 9 am . This past 7 months have been hard . Almost exactly 7 months ago I posted very important goals I refuse to let 2017 to go out unnoticed . I will remain single I’m happy to remain single . I need to refocus on my heath, my God , my daughter and my finances . 

I’m emotionally burnt and I feel like I’m in ashes . I could blame someone for doing this to me but the truth is I allowed it . I need to Recenter . Why would I allow anyone to bring me to such a point when I’m valuable ? 

I need these last months of this year to really read my Bible , pray and figure out why 

This is where I’m at . Have you been in this place ? Of such pain ? Have you been dragged to your very own personal hell ? 

I been praying now more than ever . We have to make every day count , don’t ever waste your love on any one who throws it on the floor . 

Atticts

It’s half past midnight 

The crows circle it’s cold 

You are not here 

You never were here 

It’s like a black and white ad 

A corner conversation 

One talking 

One turned his head 

She was left alone 

But it was all her fault he said . 

It reads clear 

Will you sit with me a while 

Just to hear me breathing 

I used to listen to your heart beating  

As you passed out every night 

As I laid alone 

No love . 

As I am 

Alone now 

It’s all my fault he said . 

I pushed him

Away 

He said . 

The crows come closer 

The piano bends 

Now
Nothing

Is
Said . 

Bank Accounts

It’s like that movie Wanted . Where he sits at his mediocre desk In his mediocre life , where his girlfriend is treating him like shit , his job isn’t what he dreamed about and where he lives is a total nightmare . He became his own worst enemy didn’t he ? When do we forget that we have the power to change our life ? Our thoughts , our attitudes . I made a lot of money and had the best body but I wasn’t that happy then either . It’s all about conquering the internal wars and finding peace within yourself . Only letting people rent space in your life who truly love you and support you . 

Most of all love you first . Or you’ll be the guy In the movie wanted where everyone walks on you , you settle for crap and forget why your here . 

Keep going I say . Keep fighting . And live your life don’t just survive it . 

Breakaway

I was a painting in there story 
The kind every one wanted to touch 
I was the star they hung around there necks 

The one they chased they could never catch 

And to you / I was the peasant . 
A fallen rock on the cement . 

How do I go from color 
To black and white graffiti on your walls 

A smile I’m trying to find yesterday . 

The story I’m writing tells a tale of turning the page . 
A princess tossed in the trash . 

I will dust my self off 
Humiliated on this stage 

Light shines bright 
This story ends 

I’m once alone 
But not your peasant 
But a star 

Goals

It’s Monday , I’m off today it’s 8:54 am . I just laid in bed I need to do laundry and possibly make coffee . There is a lot on my mind . But for some reason through all of this I feel peace in my heart . 

Last night my friend asked for advice on her marriage I had no idea there was anything wrong . For 5 years she said they had not had sex . I spoke to her a while . She told me I should be a psychiatrist . I went to college to be one it made me think I should finish . 

I’m everyone’s stopping point for advice 

But I’m never following my own . 

If I could listen to my own self I wouldn’t put up with an ounce of what I have up until this moment . I would’ve said what were you thinking . You deserve to be treated so much better . Where are you Amy ? 

I’m so excited to find myself again to come out of the preverbal blankets and see that my future can be bright . 

God has a purpose to prosper me not to harm me . Why have I been harming myself ? 

I reminded myself on my walk with Raigan to school how important goal journals are . So I’m going to share it with you . 

Get a journal make a goal for physical 

Financial , spiritual and relationship . A 30 day goal for each one . Write the goal down to complete in 30 days . Every single day write down what you did to accomplish that goal ! 

In 30 days you will have accomplished those goals . You will feel better and be working for something and building dreams ! Do it , you won’t regret it . 

I told a friend of mine to do it , he ended up moving across the country he now works for a nfl football team . You never know where you will end up ! 

Change is powerful . God is powerful . Pray for strength and guidance . Get rid of everything bad in your life . Cling on to what is good . Did you know that the Bible says that Satan is the author of confusion ? 

If something is meant for you it should not be confusing . Gods purpose and his will is not confusing . Do what is right . Pick up your sword . 

  

Sent from my iPhone

It’s Winter

Tori Amos has a new Album it’s not my favorite but I’m streaming the song Russia for some reason it’s bringing peace to me in my clouded sky . 

Today is day 5 of my liquid diet . My life was spiraling out of control on every level . Controlling my diet has put me in a different place . Although I feel mostly hungry - most of the time I’m getting used to that feeling . I think with self control I can make the 30 day destination . I made promises to myself in January I need to stay true to myself 

How did I lose myself ? 

1. Was to be my very best physically 

2. Be my best financially 

3. Be in a healthy relationship 

This year I lost my job and my gym membership . My depression spiraled to a suicidal thought process as I lost everything one by one . 

I was making bad decisions . I was not loving myself . It’s October . I’m bound and determined to finish this year the best shape possible and to not let any one treat me badly and make excuses for it . 

I have no idea when I will leave this world I refuse to fill my life with anyone who hurts me or treats me badly . 

We can turn this thing around October 

I have a voice I found her . We can do this alone . 

Let’s go 

- Agent Orange 

Watches

Hope leaves a trail at the door 

It’s locked light shines from beneath the door . 

I hold my dreams in my pocket 

I wish it could rain today . 

I’m searching for the thief 

He has the key . 

Why did he shatter me . 

I’m just a librarian 

Reading books 

And I’m exhausted

When will any one read mine 

When will I matter 

The rabbit tells me it’s time 

Time to go 

 

U Turns

It’s Saturday morning , I wake up abruptly with a splitting migraine . I feel like I had a night out of drinking whisky and the reality is I was up all night having seizures . I fear that my life will also end abruptly , with my seizures and my heart issues . I face my days not taking them for granted and not wasting any precious moment . 

I left this morning for work , when I stopped to get Advil for my head ache I had this urge to drive back home to hug my daughter . I wasn’t sure if she needed it or if I needed it , all I know is I needed to turn around and see her once more . 

I like to get to work early , make sure my paper work and my day is very organized . I knew I’m going back I would just make it in time . 

I turned around drove 20 min back ran in the house and gave her the biggest hug . I love my daughter . I knew she was surprised and happy . But it made my heart happy too . 

I guess we never know what could happen right . Why not turn around or take the extra time to love our loved ones . 

It made my whole day . 

In Recent Events

In recent events of this planet , it seems we just can't make a difference . In the world or the ones around us . But that is not true . We can't give up hope . 

What is your legacy , your mark you want to leave in this world . At your funeral if you died today would they say what you wanted them too ? 

Or is there a different speech you hoped for . Of lost dreams and hopes you let go of . Maybe your already in your grave and stuck . Is being dead in this world as bad as being dead in the after world? 

I think so . 

What is stopping you from really living ? 

We don't know what our last day will be here on earth . How can I or you make a difference ? 

Do your loved ones know they are loved? 

Did you forgive your enemies ? Where does the change begin ? 

That's up to you isn't it ? 

And everyone's mark is different . That's what makes us unique and special . 

Don't forget who you are .