Breakaway

I was a painting in there story 
The kind every one wanted to touch 
I was the star they hung around there necks 

The one they chased they could never catch 

And to you / I was the peasant . 
A fallen rock on the cement . 

How do I go from color 
To black and white graffiti on your walls 

A smile I’m trying to find yesterday . 

The story I’m writing tells a tale of turning the page . 
A princess tossed in the trash . 

I will dust my self off 
Humiliated on this stage 

Light shines bright 
This story ends 

I’m once alone 
But not your peasant 
But a star 

Goals

It’s Monday , I’m off today it’s 8:54 am . I just laid in bed I need to do laundry and possibly make coffee . There is a lot on my mind . But for some reason through all of this I feel peace in my heart . 

Last night my friend asked for advice on her marriage I had no idea there was anything wrong . For 5 years she said they had not had sex . I spoke to her a while . She told me I should be a psychiatrist . I went to college to be one it made me think I should finish . 

I’m everyone’s stopping point for advice 

But I’m never following my own . 

If I could listen to my own self I wouldn’t put up with an ounce of what I have up until this moment . I would’ve said what were you thinking . You deserve to be treated so much better . Where are you Amy ? 

I’m so excited to find myself again to come out of the preverbal blankets and see that my future can be bright . 

God has a purpose to prosper me not to harm me . Why have I been harming myself ? 

I reminded myself on my walk with Raigan to school how important goal journals are . So I’m going to share it with you . 

Get a journal make a goal for physical 

Financial , spiritual and relationship . A 30 day goal for each one . Write the goal down to complete in 30 days . Every single day write down what you did to accomplish that goal ! 

In 30 days you will have accomplished those goals . You will feel better and be working for something and building dreams ! Do it , you won’t regret it . 

I told a friend of mine to do it , he ended up moving across the country he now works for a nfl football team . You never know where you will end up ! 

Change is powerful . God is powerful . Pray for strength and guidance . Get rid of everything bad in your life . Cling on to what is good . Did you know that the Bible says that Satan is the author of confusion ? 

If something is meant for you it should not be confusing . Gods purpose and his will is not confusing . Do what is right . Pick up your sword . 

  

Sent from my iPhone

It’s Winter

Tori Amos has a new Album it’s not my favorite but I’m streaming the song Russia for some reason it’s bringing peace to me in my clouded sky . 

Today is day 5 of my liquid diet . My life was spiraling out of control on every level . Controlling my diet has put me in a different place . Although I feel mostly hungry - most of the time I’m getting used to that feeling . I think with self control I can make the 30 day destination . I made promises to myself in January I need to stay true to myself 

How did I lose myself ? 

1. Was to be my very best physically 

2. Be my best financially 

3. Be in a healthy relationship 

This year I lost my job and my gym membership . My depression spiraled to a suicidal thought process as I lost everything one by one . 

I was making bad decisions . I was not loving myself . It’s October . I’m bound and determined to finish this year the best shape possible and to not let any one treat me badly and make excuses for it . 

I have no idea when I will leave this world I refuse to fill my life with anyone who hurts me or treats me badly . 

We can turn this thing around October 

I have a voice I found her . We can do this alone . 

Let’s go 

- Agent Orange 

Watches

Hope leaves a trail at the door 

It’s locked light shines from beneath the door . 

I hold my dreams in my pocket 

I wish it could rain today . 

I’m searching for the thief 

He has the key . 

Why did he shatter me . 

I’m just a librarian 

Reading books 

And I’m exhausted

When will any one read mine 

When will I matter 

The rabbit tells me it’s time 

Time to go 

 

U Turns

It’s Saturday morning , I wake up abruptly with a splitting migraine . I feel like I had a night out of drinking whisky and the reality is I was up all night having seizures . I fear that my life will also end abruptly , with my seizures and my heart issues . I face my days not taking them for granted and not wasting any precious moment . 

I left this morning for work , when I stopped to get Advil for my head ache I had this urge to drive back home to hug my daughter . I wasn’t sure if she needed it or if I needed it , all I know is I needed to turn around and see her once more . 

I like to get to work early , make sure my paper work and my day is very organized . I knew I’m going back I would just make it in time . 

I turned around drove 20 min back ran in the house and gave her the biggest hug . I love my daughter . I knew she was surprised and happy . But it made my heart happy too . 

I guess we never know what could happen right . Why not turn around or take the extra time to love our loved ones . 

It made my whole day . 

In Recent Events

In recent events of this planet , it seems we just can't make a difference . In the world or the ones around us . But that is not true . We can't give up hope . 

What is your legacy , your mark you want to leave in this world . At your funeral if you died today would they say what you wanted them too ? 

Or is there a different speech you hoped for . Of lost dreams and hopes you let go of . Maybe your already in your grave and stuck . Is being dead in this world as bad as being dead in the after world? 

I think so . 

What is stopping you from really living ? 

We don't know what our last day will be here on earth . How can I or you make a difference ? 

Do your loved ones know they are loved? 

Did you forgive your enemies ? Where does the change begin ? 

That's up to you isn't it ? 

And everyone's mark is different . That's what makes us unique and special . 

Don't forget who you are . 

Cracked

I privately wrapped your heart in my bones
Where were you when I kept you warm
I sank you under white cotton panties
Divided you amongst everything inside my soul
Placed you willingly like a deck of cards
Sat like a king as you laughed at the tears in my eyes

I'm not a beggar in the streets
I held my hand it was the queen

I used to watch you sleep
My heart asking
You
To
Love me .

In return for holding your peices together as they cut me .
I write these stories , because you sit in bed and read
But do you feel the absence
Of
Me .

I lay here now in puddles
Who will hold the peices of me ?

As you sink steady in a bottle
My panties empty
With my fingers
A memory of you and me

Breathing as one
In every moment
In the bed
In the car

I can't erase
Like markers on white board

I'm not a beggar .

You hold the cards now
Spilled on your floor .


When you were awake
I watched you sleeping

You never noticed

I was dreaming

Of you
loving

Me .

One Side Of The Bed

" Quiet places no body knows"

I capture the light of your candle
Protect the fire from her wind
It's cold out .

Here's my sweater and the stain of my lips on your cheek
I pass by like a ghost
I remember that time
That time we laughed at midnight

I spun you a paper clip
Cut out my heart posted it to your computer
With a note
Did you ever read it ?

I left my converse on purpose
So you would ask me back again .

There's a telescope love
Hanging from your lips
As we talk in the morning
You ask me to stay .

I capture your candle
There's a storm outside
Protecting your fire
As it burns my fingers
You remind me that it's cold
It's cold inside .

And I offer you a blanket
And you smile .
And my heart is beating
In origami  notes un finished
Never written .

The stain of my kiss left on old cups
As our song plays on the radio

Saved on Polaroids
In empty drawers
Left with blisters .

Brush Fire

I'm listening to Gohst 36 by NIN , some how fitting for the day that's grey and not just because of the clouds . I feel like I'm coming out of the darkest alley , alluminating it's large clouds and I have barely escaped her . I catch my breath for a moment , I see the brightness of the future beyond the road . I just have to get there . I'm tired , my armor the last thing standing . What does it feel like to lose at war ? He says to me , no it's just begun my dear . Have you ever just wanted a boring life ?

Typically that statement would be like scratches on the chalk board , but I envision we all feel this way in battles . Have you ?  War teaches us who we are . Doesn't it ? I see it , seems so close . The place where there is no pain , and time she mocks me . But I'm still going . Still fighting . So can you

Intersection

It's that kind of pain , it can't be changed or made better . The kind you can't fix or stop . You know the kind that is so bad you can't cry or speak . That pain , the kind when someone you love hurts you they don't love you the way you loved them . What do you do with that pain that kills you in the pit of your stomach ? Your heart can't escape it . Everything you once knew destroyed . No going back . Your in a car accident watching over your own dead body alone in the intersection , no one there but yourself . That's where I'm at . That kind of love . That kind of pain .

The Way It Goes

I walked into the store this morning with my head down to the ground . Have you ever had that feeling ? Where you just lost all your dignity ? I began to silently laugh at myself , I mean what else could I do . It was either commit suicide or laugh . I mean this in all seriousness . 

I laughed at the fact I had no money because I've had no job for 3 months . How I survived this long I don't know . I laughed because I have no food but I had 4 dollars on my food stamp card to buy eggs this morning . I laughed because I have not been able to get my hair done and it was a mess piled on top of my head , and what a sight was I to the crowd in the store . I laughed because I was wearing a pretty dress but my legs were orange and white stripped from the attempt to tan myself with cheap lotion because I can no longer afford to go tan . I was a joke . 

As I put my head down further I actually began to laugh out loud . Maybe like a crazy person . As I thought of how my phones been shut off . 

As I made my way to the eggs as quietly as I could to not cause any attention to my self I went to pick them up and they fell to the ground breaking all over the store . Yes , I laughed again . What do all these people think of me ? Is she crazy or homeless ? 

As I walked the walk of shame to the cash register I thought well things could always be worse right . 

Tried to count my blessings on my drive home .

Skeleton orchestra

This worlds nothing more than a magic show , though tragic at times and encased in woe , it all works out , of this truth I know . - Zack Hemsey

A calloused drum set in scars 

Amid the winter under your chest 

So close to the fingers that search 

In her sunlight . 

He drops his head . 

There's a war , she marches 

Nothing gained in the winning . 

He walks out to the ocean 

Hoping to drowned 

But he stopped breathing long ago 

We're alive in an arrow 

Walking aimless 

Guided by the pain 

It's cold in here . 

As I pass through you . 

My heart stops in the hall way . 

No oxygen 

I try to let the light in 

The side walk leads to you 

Also leads to me 

Grab my hand 

A calloused drum set in scars 

Under perfect chest 

So close to fingers grabbing under 

Bone 

Close to my ears 

Wanting you to come home

Check Please

There's always that point right in life when things are so bad and the decline makes everything dark and foggy . It's that unexpected moment when everything in you that fights for love , for life and it has no return that you just check out . Have you ever been there ? In life where you lose everything ?
There isn't anyone there when it happens . It's like suicide , you are alone and you just check out .

They say karma comes back to us . I don't believe that , evil people have it all and the loving people can also have nothing . I always made goals and beat them . My trainers and bosses call me a fighter .

I do my best to live with integrity and to love others . Here I am checking out . This is my moment .
In life there is only so much pain one person can take and enough loss that they can't take it anymore

It's the time when you see no one , it's the time when all you live on is strength because all your glory is gone .


I've never been in such a low place but in this place I see God clear , now I just need him to save me
From this very dark place . Where only he can reach me .

Life

What good is it to have a voice when he doesn't hear you
Or care
Time to use your voice
Some place else

Where your appreciated and never mistreated . Life is to short to settle .

Films

Living life in subtitles black and white
Flipping through pages of these bed sheets
Wondering about time .
Regrets are like un painted fences
Waiting on the wrong houses to become right

I sit on the porches - alone watching the sun rise

It's like an un written book
As you steal my pages and autograph your name so it's not forgotten .

So now I'm flipping magazines .
I'm homeless in this street

I hear our song playing on the radio today
Means something different when you couldn't find those words to say .

As he turned his back on me
He says do you love me ?

Subtitles become something
I just don't want to read .

I'm walking home tonight .

Broken Bottles

Sometimes the people who are supposed to love us the most treat us with the most disregard
And all that's promised is brushed under a rug and forgotten
Sometimes we put everything into something and we become a door mat
And the one we trusted the most turns there back on us .

Sometimes we learn the hard way that we wernt loved we were lied to
And everything we have meant nothing
And nothing was seen because they can't see past themselves

Maybe we knew it all along but we didn't listen to ourselves
We thought love could save someone or change someone

But the love has to come from within them selves .

So they throw you away like yesterday's trash .

Learning another lesson . But just remember when someone wants you to be there  doormat . Just say nah

- Amy

Homes

I knew it from the beginning 

From across the room 

I held steady 

You held the door for me 

Told me you were bad for me .... 

Beginnings don't turn into endings 

Not like this 

I can't believe in open doors closing 

As we stood in the cracks 

Whispering 

I love you ...... 

I feel you across the room 

Even when you are not here 

Disbelief drowns my tears 

Maybe I'll stay in this locket 

Forever - 

Maybe 

The crows fly over to pick up what's left of the wounded 

All these letters remain unfinished . 

Maybe I'm the only one broken in this 

Yet I remain here 

In the cracks of the door way 

Listening to wind funnel through 

Rapture

I am aching inside silk panties
wet in your bedroom hidden in pictures
Kiss me in the morning , Let me run away in you .


Your smile creases my heart
as you rest on my lips
I am lost in you .


Between the words that get lost
under cotton and innocence
you kiss me.

Tomorrow I'll be a memory on your fingers
touching me
deep
inside

I'll make you believe  you're the King
Of hearts.

Breathe in me new life
handcuff me to your eyes.
Chasing you in the dark

Make me blind
Finding places in me
I never knew survived

I am the candle in your hallway
I want to find your secrets
tucked away in the dark.

Im aching for you
As you bury deep inside of me

Under my bones

Kiss me in the morning
I want to run away in you

Shoe Strings

Indecision is decision she said. Muted heart burnt sand.
Help me to find my voice again, I'm standing in the hall
record plays our song. I have no idea what to say,
except that you helped me find my voice again.

Ripped from windows
like a violin on a rainy day
Feel you under this skin

The ocean giving obituaries
Finding peace in your hands

Did you understand
As I etch our names in this old tree
kissing me on the cheek.

I just want to believe
that you don't want to leave

So here is my love letter to you
This time
there is no ends.

Bruises

What would I have to do
For you to see me
If I stood in front of the sun ?

If you pulled out from in front of your mirror
Burned some old pages In your library
That collect dust
Collect sadness and stories of anger

I'm not the librarian
With wire rimmed lense
Filing away this -

And all of this
Drowns me

I'm no victim
You have to meet me on the shore
But darling you ain't walking on water

So let's start this again
These books are over due -

I'm not a librarian
I'm a lover
I'm a fighter

What does it take for you to see me
I'm not you
I'm not her
I'm not yesterday

I don't know what love is

Could you
Write me the story

Give an orphan a home

Cuz you ain't
Walking on water

I'm here on the shore
With our fire

Do you love her ?

As she stands in front of the sun
Screaming your name

Lights On

Tell me a hundred secrets that make you the path I climb on
Push me out this door
I'll come back through your window

I'm not sure about the beginnings
But I know I'll erase - this ending
What are endings for -

All these whispers in the dark
Can I hold your fingers
Steady off the ledge

Can I hold your wrist
Broken from the fall

I'm just time
Inside this clock
Ticking quietly inside your heart

Did you need me here
Do you want me here

I'm looking for a hero
The kind that watches for me - through this window

Can't let me go
Won't let me go

It's how the song goes
It's how we go .

I'm leaving the lights on
And I don't know about the beginnings

But the ends I'm erasing
Like old shoe laces
Old songs on the radio

If you push me
I'll climb back in

If you push me
I'll climb back in

To find your here
Give me your hands

- Amy Everett

The Real Fight

It's 9 a.m. I'm at work , it's hard to concentrate today . Worst of all I can't find my head phones so my life is falling apart . ( not entirely ) I have been lost the past few days . Yesterday I broke down and cried in my car . I wasn't sure why , then it hit me . Like some realization from the sky hit my heart and there it was . For 3 months I have felt numb and confused . When we people let you down the ones you trusted the most , I learned to except it and move on . I didn't realize it was causing me to be callused . Maybe I let it go , yes . But the disappointment harbors fear . I couldn't feel much of anything . I have a new person in my life giving me tons of love , and I could see it like looking out a window . But I can't feel it . How do I take it in ? When your lost in everything that has destroyed you

How do I shake it ? I asked myself for months . I wanted to give up , not on him , but myself . What does someone do with pain ? I wanted to hand my heart over to him , in my hand and say please take it ! Just take it ! But would he break it even farther to the nothing that had been left on the ground ?

Someone else can't fix that . Yesterday I sat in my car and it hit me . I began to grieve all the beliefs that led me there to that moment . It's a journey isn't it ? Fighting to not be numb . I remember a time I fought to not feel at all . But I want to feel everything he has to give me , not the pain that paralyzes me from giving my heart again.

I need to brave I told myself . Give myself the chance to live . I've been an orphan to love . And it's time I found a home .

My home in you

Agent Orange

Perfect

Yesterday's ashes fall from the sky over head
A shadow looms over my path
Like a broken forest fragmented into stained glass
The crows wait on their branches

I'm just one girl
Who will make it

There's a heart broken
Around my neck

Grasping at the other half

What is it to live a dying day
The finish line in my hands

I'm stronger than the wolves who wait in the dark

I'm just a girl
Dark eyes , funny lips

Even though there's darkness
I'm the light

A small frame in the alley
Holding the keys
The dreams I never let go of

There's a broken heart around my neck
I'm grasping at the other half

Tell me what all this means
My converse are tired
But I'm never weak

I'm almost done
As the ash settles on lashes
Over spent all the miles -

They don't want me to see the beauty
Of what was always

Inside me .

Apastrophe (1)

The siren plays her music in the crowd
Like the last song for the day
The devil takes her hand
All hands on fate

She holds an Ace
Lipstick left on white spaces
Losing bets

It was all we had left she said
The raven waits in haste
Typing letters with no stamps
Who could've saved her , he says .

The sky begins to rust my pockets
Notes turn to ashes
Eyes become darkness .

Let it go , she says .
Shot glass empty

I wake up
Alice is listening to the doors opening
Doors closing

Where will she go next
As the devil whispers

Love is not dead
He said

So I decided to remove my mask -

Today's Relationships

So here I am , it's been a very long time since I've written a blog post .The Used is playing Poetic Justice. I'm laying in bed , I haven't slept in a week . My throat is killing me . This month has been such a roller coaster I think I'm just throwing myself in and out of things and I'm so lost at everything I once knew has become not . So where do we begin . I think when it comes to relationships , even though every one is different , I'm not guessing any more . So this is my advice to all of you . If they don't tell you how they feel , assume they don't feel it . I used to think actions meant more than words, my second part of advice is you better get both .  When someone wants something there isn't an excuse of why they can't get it or won't . When you want something you will do whatever it takes to get it and furthermore not lose it .  If your dating someone and their chasing other girls , how serious are they about getting to know you ? If someone loves you but isn't there for you , what good is that love . I've had it with cowards I'll tell you this . Do not settle . If your chasing something that's not chasing you , then walk away .

Life is short .

Agent Orange

The Way To Run

There's a light I chase 

Some where beyond this song 

Half past fates secrets 

I hear them alone in the dark

Chase me after dark 

I'll save you from the winter 

Hold me close don't let me fall 

I'll chase away your anger 

Better now than ever 

Standing in the middle of this war

Never ever leaving this place - 

My hand is holding out 

Holding out for yours

I'm running through the forest 

No direction 

But I know you'll save me

I'm here 

To save you from the disregard of every yesterday - 

I hide in your safe . 

Like this perfect holiday . 

All I ever wanted you to know 

Is your my favorite song 

My favorite t shirt the one I always wore 

The one you never throw away 

Tattered and stained 

We are

My hand is out 

Waiting for yours . 

Chase me 

There is no winter here 

Hold me close 

I'll exchange sadness for joy 

Your my favorite song 

My favorite day 

I knew it 

All 

Along . 

Never thrown away . 

Sent from my iPhone

Bridge

I'm writing now on the sky 

Where I used to place all my dreams and bet on fate 

Now I'm tracing in the clouds ...... 

Under my arm I've always carried this note 

I thought maybe you wouldn't come 

And I knew you would 

So I left it in my pocket every word growing old 

Never losing it's meaning 

Every day I laid awake broken 

While you were away 

Nothing's ever the same 

As I carve  you out of my day 

Fall asleep to memories at night 

Now I see you here 

Right across the room 

I'm handing you this note 

I held on to for so long 

And I died with out 

I was lost with out 

Roaming around in the crowds 

I'm writing in this sky

Where I used to dream 

I carved out today 

I knew in every moment I lost 

I knew in every moment I died 

That you would find me here 

You would find me here 

Now I'm safe 

Now I'm hand tied 

It's ok 

It's ok 

Old letters 

Still have meaning 

Just like yesterday

Where All The Boys Went

It's Saturday I'm listening to The Brand New . I haven't written on Agent Orange in a while . It's 8:30 pm . I'm documenting this Saturday night to tell you I thought I had all the answers , maybe I do , maybe I'm not listening . 

This is how I see it , if someone see's your value , they won't risk losing you in their life . Is it that simple ? Is their a grey area ? To me at 38 I don't care about the grey area , I will tell you why , 

Because I know my value , I give 100% maybe I'm not perfect . I'm not . But what I do know is if I see value in you , you will get my 100% and boy that doesn't come easy to give . 

So if you want to be a coward , lost , confused , or whatever else my old collection of black and white cards of horrible friends , lost boyfriends who never wanted to show up and be something different , then here is the door . Because I gave you my all . 

If you want my all , then give me what I'm worth . Because being taken for granted is not on a goal list , not on my dream card , and neither is sitting here writing this . 

Someday I'll get what I'm looking for , maybe some one can step up to the plate , because they know , I do the same 

Catastrophe (1)

What is it to love a girl
Dressed in candy compromise
Holding my dress up
Can they see my face
Amoungst the crowd
Invisible  to him left like a broken
Child .

They said Anastasia was really a princess
As I look for the trains tracks
If I could get lost
I would get lost in you -

If I showed you my pages
Would you read them
Like your favorite ice cream
Sticky hands

Washes her away
What is it to love a girl
If I presented my funny shaped lips
If gave you paper cut heart

Lived life never knowing
What it's like
To be loved
By you

Crossing Fingers

I'm chalkboard half erased on this wall
It's me or them
It's you or this game of
Hopscotch and I'm never the win

Cross my fingers
Watch the ocean dress in the morning
I send you a note
Will you check maybe .

Is this the question
As I leave these sentences
One kiss under this tree
Carved out letters for you and me

My converse are always untied
My words are a mess
My lips puffy and red .

Here is my hand .

I'm not quick sand
I watch the fate undress in the evening
Will you kiss me good night

And I'll pass you a note
Say good bye

Half erased chalk
On your drive way
Unread letters , take my hand

It's all I ever heard
It's all I ever wanted

It's midnight now
I'm alone in my bed

Singing you this song
As you sit in your room
Can you hear it

Will (1)

Alice places her key behind the painting
Her fingers are torn
A split iris falls like rain as he passes through thoughts
Like a door way , haunted
Lost in a nightmare
Her heart beats in locket
Half to you
Half to me

Fate puts her dress on
I am the funeral now
Winter sets in .

You can't save her
She's invisible
The rain is falling
They walk by

The clock her hands are dirty
I see you
In my reflection
I see you in this song

A composer with nothing left
An empty audience

Dear Alice
Can you find your way back
Will he be waiting at the bottom ?

Connect

You sit under my pillow
Kiss me good night
Smeared on your memory
Erased by the morning .

Tell me where do I linger
On your lips in the evening
I'm the tomorrow
I'm yesterday .

More than white panties
More than warm embrace

I'm the wolf in the corner
I'm the girl in the shadow
I'm the heart in your fingers

Listen to the music as it plays ....
I'm the black widow
I'm the angel

Love me
Leave me
Either way

I'm not a game

Tell u ride

It's cold outside 

But warm inside your inbox 

Where one last message beats 

To the sound of the song playing 

On the winter air 

Maybe just maybe 

You won't find your pencil or your pen 

But the message still stands 

 Initials carved in old trees
Held together by its roots
And the courage
To hold on to dreams 

Maybe At All

Maybe if I was there where you were
You would've seen that I could've been the star in a dark sky
There's an ambition in the way light enters a dark room
And a fear of figuring out what went wrong
So the chills that run down your spine are better spent in your room alone
I'm better in the sky
Where I'm warm
Tell me friend , how did I fall from your ceiling broken and white
The one you draw dreams from
I wanted to be part of the clouds
That hang on your ceiling fan

But the story goes and goes again
As the chill runs down your spine
You would rather feel alone in your bed ....

Twin Flames

If I could tell the story I have 

Locked up in my safe 

Behind the painting over my fireplace 

I'd sit you down 

Eye to eye - tell you how I felt him 

From the inside the moment I layed my eyes on him 

I couldn't explain in it in detail 

All I could tell you is I knew him 

With out ever speaking a word 

With out ever saying our first hello

I fell in his soul / sounds crazy I know 

But there I stood as time as we knew it 

Stood still 

I knew in an instant he was mine forever 

I just had to have faith 

Because faith herself told me / his soul was telling me so 

And they begun a conversation from across a room 

I could barely sit still I didn't even know your name I knew I loved you / more than I ever loved before - 

That's the feeling I had the day I met him 

Mad (1)

Alice seems fitting
As she feels misplaced
Amoungst the daisies and the fences
She looks at the window panes
Seems nothing is left

Alice tell me the story
About how mad this love is
That far beyond time
It still exist

There could be an answer
He's looking through my window
I saw him yesterday
Sitting down below

I beg him in
Without speaking

Tell the devil
I'm here , and his lines
Run under my fingertips

So Alice
I wait at the door
The moon is hanging
By half nails and consequence

Tell me about this love
The kind you find under petals
Like the lost rain that  lingers in
The morning

And I will tell you
I remember the leaving
And the very first day I met you

Still

I saw you there in the snow
It's been half past 12
For a while , and it's cold

Do you know how the blizzard
Feels

I heard this song about a dirt road
Saw a stranger in my dreams
You knew the Braille on the wall
You carry a copy in your wallet

I sit outside
I waited .

You left it on the ground
Didn't you
The key to every note
To the piano

You begged me to play
Now sits at this funeral today

It was .
As the numbers fall
Bear no meaning
No rest
Contemplated death

I see you in the snow
But did you know
What my blizzard was like
As I sit missing hands
Missing piano   And key

The cross road came
I took the path that left you behind

You sit
In winter

Lost

Hurricanes

I wait between grey pages nothing's the same
No ones really here , I'm alone in the eye of the winds
No one reaching back for her hand

I run across oceans searching
No hope no faith no glory
Dress torn ripped
Sword fallen
You ask , have you given up yet ?

My eyes are black
My chest empty
No heart left beating ......

I rise above the storm
But will you rise with me
As the waves are as high as the eye can see

I stand here alone
The answer is bleak , hollow , void
Black smudges this paper grey
As I write
Not this storm
Will take her away

What's Real

I'm listening to the song vengance . I feel like I have something important to share I hope I do not lose my train of thought . I hope I don't lose you in it .
We are made up of energy , an electrical current just like an outlet if you will and the plug . Once two people are connected there is an energy coursing through . You can't stop it . It's something you feel all the time . You need two parts for it to be whole . People wonder about their twin flame or soul mate I will tell you , anyone who is not flowing with your energy is not your twin or soul mate , there in it for some other reason . It's so simple . There's no questions . It just happens . They don't want it to stop . I see so many articles , how to get him to love me ? How to get him to call ? If your reading those then move on !! Energy is real . It's another persons music only you can hear .

Also if your chasing emotion your probably dealing with an emotionally unavailable person
Just move on . Never chase after an emotion .

It's not about dating or friendship - trust me -

Agent Orange

Romantic poetry

Polaroid tells dark secret
Left on a corner of parchment on some napkin you drew my name on with yours circled in hearts
Long and lost forgotten
Left with stains of old lips and coffee from rainy days
Found on a floor -

You fell in love that night
Where were you that night

I'm a lost dream held by faith
I'm a ship wagering a mighty sea

Crumbling your paper between wrinkled fingers
This is where I begin again

My lips are heavy
Scars hidden under picture frames tired and bound by your song

As you sit in the diner
Still
Writing us on useless pieces of paper

Desolate

Paragraphs left un read
Fingers left naked and bruised
There's a story you read to me at bed time
Where the wind met the sun
Wasn't a cloud in sight
The fingers stitching sails
Peddling memory
And hearts -

Faith was the master
The captain
The rogue tore us apart

I set my sail now alone
With no answer
Black seas

I watch for the light
Forgiving through the darkness
Sending messages in a bottle
Teaching me to come home

I've hit every storm
I'm screaming
Lost in some open window

Do you see me
Do you hear me
In the song

Only I can hear
Playing out in the darkness

Paragraphs left un read
Alone here in this bed
Tell me how the story ends

Camouflage

light reflects oil canvas
She kisses the dead of winter

There seems tou be a keeper
Holding words in the palms of hands
As fingers break and houses thirst to be castles

Tell me , how do I find the secrets
Locked behind safes - on your wall .

I dress up in the dead of power
Finding only the coward
Losing his key in the blizzard

I run home -

Tiny boats sail across picture frames
No ones home tonight
She's invisible

I make every conversation into letters
As they disengage

I paint

Dear Alice (1)

Alice isn't breathing
She's lost in a sleep
Down the path she goes
Every road fluttering eye lashes
She runs.

Alice is in a coma
She can't forget
Her heart beats out of her chest
Like a drum

He is lost amougst the roses
She says
As she lies there dead .


Some say it's a tragedy
Losing everything all at once
I thought he heard me
She said

She lays there
Her hero lost in a grave of unforgotten
The cemetery holds one

Alice can't move
Does he move with out Alice

Maybe the forgotten grave is the bed she lies in

Resurface

See past white linen sheet
Bare past sunlight
Drowning under water
I left the message their
In that bottle
Did you see it ?

I pause the dice black table
I fall in the lake
It's night and I'm cold

I'm lost
Under blankets bare alone
Did you hear me
Under water

It was so dark
I can't see you
Can't feel you

When I touch
You touch me

Inbox (1)

Blue scatters like empty and lost footprints
Running down my buttons , turning my round eyes
Black , desperate in their attempt to find you -
Bring you home even if it's just tonight ,

There is a word for letting go
Like a hand torn away in the crowd
Like the child who lost his mother

The sky can't shine
With out the stars
Stars can't shine with out the sun .

a universe taken away
you are the stars
You are the sun
You are , you are .......

Blue scatters like marbles on the bath tub floor
I cry alone as the water falls .....
I sink slowly
Memories just a telegraph away
Saved .

Cold War

I almost died once , the only thing I needed to know was if you loved me . For me taking my last breath my heart wrenching in pain as I laid in the ER , my son crying next to me . Do you ever wonder what those people think ? At this moment I knew . What I always knew . We were like the movie big fish . One of my favorite movies . I wrote you that night in case I didn't wake up in the morning . I got no reply . This was last year today . Something that will always pain me . Twin flame I believe you are . Do you know what that is ? I try to let go but the deepest part of me holds on . Could you answer the question if you ever read this ? What does a soul do split in half I've never known what love can do until I felt the pain of your absence . Until I knew your presence . Your the king in this world full of fakes and pretenders . And no one loves me like you did .

Here We Go

It's 12 am . You think by now this would become a walk in the park , some. Tragic error I'm used to  the same old drill over and over . But as I watch my heart monitor once again go from 74 to 110 I know what's coming . Epilepsy sucks . I take my heart medicine it's not working . And im stuck wondering will I end up in the hospital tonight ? I don't want sympathy , it wouldn't even do epilepsy any good . Your alone in it . When it happens a fear strikes you , that can't be controlled . Will I die tonight ? Is all I will imagine . No one knows what it's like to feel that way unless you've almost died,that's the only way I can explain what a seizure is like . No cure . I only have mine at night . My days I try to fill with joy because my nights are full of terror . Maybe I'll get some sleep . Maybe I should blog more about epilepsy . So more people become aware .

love

Slip my fingers past my agony
There's white cotton caution tape
And I'm breathing you in my dreams .......

Grab my neck
Soldiers are marching in the desert
The devil dances on my shoulder
I walk the streets with the stars

I leave you here
I leave you there ......

I'm all grown up
My lip sticks red
Follow all the rules
Forget about love they said .....

Meet the pretty rich boys at midnight
Let them use you up and spit you out instead .....

Kneeling on the ground
Soldiers fighting at half past 1
Faith calls your name

Life hurts you said
But we chose who hurts us
And my decision was made

Alone in my bed
He's all grown up
Love is in a box
Red lip stick on

Midway (1)

It's deafening here
I hear your message clear
Static builds in lines empty
I color in old books of hearts and initials
Crumbled and lost beneath a bed

So I manage to take the train
Another way
Another day

I walk boldly away
But I'm lying if I didn't say
My heart at the station is where it stays

A friend once told me
You can't quiet mad love
So instead it's scattered in ryhmns
In letters

I can go
You say please let go

It's like breaking gold .
So here I go

Twin Flame Love

Twin flame love exist. If you do not know what it is or understand it you may not have found it yet. Twin flame love is spiritual. It's not on a physical level. It is rare, you will feel like you know everything about them when you meet them, you will know when you see them, you will hear them when they are not there. Look up twin flame meeting, I have met mine have you ?

Waiting Between

The farther I go 

The closer i come back to you 

Like a broken compass 

It's arrow always pointing 

Always suggesting 

But never doubting . 

I find myself searching 

Lost sometimes . 

Never when I come to terms with 

The arrow . 

I've never been so sure about anything in my life 

And every time I turn my back to say good bye 

Something tells me , no this way . 

How can I be so wrong ? 

I feel you in my soul . 

Am I wrong ? 

I watch the compass now alone 

Wondering if you watch it too 

Night

Soldier grieves the war
Black rose lined the left side of her finger
Thorns absent - heart oxegyn.
Spilled into your lungs like paint
Hung in your living room mantel

I'm haunted by perfect love
Skeleton key - subsides under
Paint brush

I breathe .

Grieving soldier
I can fight alone
She can fight with out you here
The death of me , is life with out you
Marching on
Piano screaming in the dark
Forgotten .
Like the winter .

Purge

It was leather and the fog followed her
Buckled under the loss even now
The coroner  asked her
Every decision is calculated
Even in decision

There's a message in your pocket
Still
She held on to it all these years
Clutched on cold table
Withered , the man was curious

I searched the clock
It was empty , no numbers , no faces
I couldn't remember how the day went
How I got here

I put my hand on my chest
I asked for the answer
Clutching old paper
Everything's a message
The paper was blank
The coroner read it loud

The table was cold
Ravens black .

Paper Mache

I'm not sure how the sky grew so dark
How the stars lost there light
Or how the music became so silent

I just know that roads are always connected
Even when they seem so divided
Maybe you read these letters addressed to you
That sit in my mail box empty
Read by my wire rimmed lense
Crafted by paper clipped heart instead
I keep in this locket perfect with your vintage
Letters I keep warm with whisky trying to forget
The way I can't stop
Loving
You

monopoly

The metal coats hang
With frozen smiles
Empty pictures - I stand here
Wait for your imperfect hand shake
Did you notice me in the corner of the room

There's a disguise
I didn't win the race tonight
Stupid girl in red ribbons
Should've known better ,
Never was that girl - sitting in time out

Had a voice
In an empty room
I fought for you to remember
My name

Should've come naturally
Funny I have this audience
All of them here
except you

She was extrodanary
She was never meant for the corner
Come in
Come in

Love Letters (1)

Delicate glass finds its self under the feet 

Of my eyes , I can't see my reflection 

With out you in the horizon . 

I can't write words with out my hero as the subject or look to the sky with out the star - 

And I drive watching the moon 

Wondering if your ever looking back at me 

As the drive feels more and more alone 

It really doesn't matter if I say good bye 

Your written in every line of my life 

Under shattered leaves of fall

The loss and win to lyrics of these songs 

The only problem is 

I can't bring you home . 

Why can't my love be enough 

I'm just a silly girl

White cotton panties 

Warm sun 

My heart beats big for you 

Not the biggest band aid could do 

I just always knew 

Orchestra

Moments sit on finger tips 

Dancing on ideas that seem to fade 

In and out like you 

The frequency resonates 

The band plays - 

I fall asleep to the tune 

I write my own story 

I'm my own orchestrator 

I fall into your sea 

Lost and forgotten 

The Stars won't leave me 

The band plays louder 

Then fades into the distance 

What can I do 

What can I do now 

These moments sit on my fingertips 

Alone 

Waiting for home 

Dungeon (1)

Here I am at the door 

No ones there 

I'm scattered left remaining 

Tasseled hair 

Maybe it's meant to be 

Left alone 

Hand grasping air 

Butterfly bandaid 

Hiding yesterday 

No one looking back at her 

There's a time and a place 

But the clock never seems to be pointing 

In her direction 

What does it take 

To start over 

Do you see me 

Like holes 

In black sky's 

Feel me breathe in you tonight 

Here I am at the door

No ones there 

I'm scattered left remaining 

Crowns

Take me home to my heart . 

Sifted through ashes 

Conquering the wars 

Slaughtered lambs there's something to say for the living 

Something to remember for the lost 

I have a voice 

Lost under glass 

Concrete walls 

Free me from this 

I'm the wolf 

Pacing at the door 

Covered in the lambs tragedy 

So here you have the storm 

I have everything there is to be told 

I'm not an underestimation 

I'm the lullabie

To unanswered prayers 

So listen close 

There's something to be said for the living 

I been sifted through the ashes 

Found wanting 

Made into new beginnings 

Take heart I say 

As the clouds gather 

We will not fall 

I promise you 

We will not fall 

Consolation

If I sent you one last letter 

I would tell you I'm letting you go 

Your the ace missing from my deck 

The best whisky on the shelf 

But I can't hold on to love 

That doesn't love me back 

And I can tell you 

It would be worth waiting forever 

As you live in these over due pages 

With no return answers 

Shadows (1)

Alice commits suicide 

Can't shake the shadow 

She runs one way 

Hearts another 

Kings sit pretty with crowns 

They watch her fall 

It only matters if she's on her knees 

As she band aids the loss of being incomplete 

There's an ace missing from my deck 

There's a storm over head 

Nothing can stop her 

From un becoming what they want her to be 

She looks past the shadow 

Like Peter Pan 

A fairy tale can't save her 

I sit here between words and periods 

In this world alone 

Lost 

Says , Alice 

Searching through every window 

Sea

It's this place

He says . 

Take my hand 

She says . 

Across the wall 

Built against oceans 

I make this boat 

Patch work left wounded 

Stitches and sails unfolded 

It's dark here 

The storm comes from her eyes 

She becomes a light house 

He said I see you 

She said 

Come . 

Lights faltering 

In and out through the haze 

I can be your sun rise 

But as I sit the sun only sets 

Compiled

A letter where words break apart 

The last letter I will

Write 

About how it changed my life 

Something I have to let go 

And can't say good bye 

If I sailed the world to find the darkest ocean 

It could never hear the torture 

Of losing what could never be 

Found again 

I listen in the darkness 

Nothing 

How do I say goodbye 

In this letter I write 

But I can't keep fighting either 

I'm a ghost

Your the sailor 

I see the pictures 

And I'm not your home 

I can't forget 

I can't remember 

Can't say good bye 

Can't say hello either 

So here's your stamp 

I'm home 

I'm not your home 

Writing to say 

I can't let go 

But I have to say good bye 

Midnight

I'm standing in the rain 

I'm not the midnight train 

Waiting at the station 

Coming and going 

Coming 

And 

Going 

Do you see me here 

Wait with me 

Traveling alone 

Never asking me where I'm going 

My suit case full 

Am I not the beauty 

As you cast your stone 

My heart beating on broken tracks 

Dead 

And gone 

A leather cliche 

I'm more than fascinated 

But you can't read this can you 

Or your suitcase would be ready 

I'm more than this 

I'm a kiss 

Hello 

Not just good bye 

The Fall

I feel the leaves of you 

Wrestling under my skin 

It's always fall , in this place 

I sit in the warmth 

Watch trees changing shape 

I can't walk to winter 

Leaving you behind 

I hesitate in every moment 

Trying to find 

A smile in the silence 

Bringing you here 

I'm stepping on keys 

Black and white 

Can you still hear 

The scream of breaking me open 

The smell of home on your fingers 

I lie here now 

Leaves blowing in the wind 

Midnight of winter moving in 

I stay here quiet and alone 

Hoping you will meet me here 

Kalidescope Letter

I see you from the corner of my eye 

I'm displaced in this shadow 

I'm choking on reason 

Living on memory 

Tell me 

Marry me 

Marry me 

As broken fingers get ready for the fall 

Tell me 

Stay with me 

Stay with me 

I don't regret this at all 

I can fight in these songs 

My insides 

Where you live 

You are my blood 

Coursing through this heart 

There is nothing 

To bring you back 

I stand here in the rain 

Singing you songs 

It's cold 

I miss your warm 

It's the death of me 

And I'm ok 

Tell me 

Speak to me 

Speak to me 

I hear you from a thousand miles 

I write in the sand 

Falling from hour glass 

Every moment alone 

There not you 

Thank you 

Broken fingers holding on 

Tell me 

You loved me 

You loved me 

I'm in the rain 

No regret 

Gypsy

There was a moment 

Swallowed in blankets 

Fighting an ocean of tears 

Listening to your words 

Slowly drowning me 

It was that night 

I fell apart 

When I needed you to be the one to fall 

Hand me a cigar 

I'll quietly miss you 

As I drive alone in my car 

If I could push rewind 

Could I change that night 

Maybe you just needed convincing 

I'm not hard to love 

Left with candles and stale cake 

What do I do with this 

I knew you were mine from beginning to end 

I'm no beggar 

When I write these letters 

I wanted you to stay 

Because you wanted too 

But I never fall 

But I did that night 

As you slammed the door 

Now I'm left 

Full of reminders 

Of what I'm looking for 

Panic.

Can you be the shelter 

In my storms - 

Calmly sitting patiently 

I ask you 

Does the crow keep you warm 

Night shifts into a melody 

You hummm secretly 

And I begin to fade into the darkness 

How do I keep your light 

She wondered 

Jupiter

Clean my eyes 

Dilated 

Coveting the picture frame 

Empty glass 

Burning in my fingers 

Bruising my neck 

I lost sleep 

A vacuum of what I used to be 

Confined in this place 

I feel you waking 

Lost and sleeping 

Invisible i am 

Stitched in time 

Metal lense blinds you 

I am black leather handcuffs 

Batting eye lash in temporary libraries 

Filed and put away 

Feel me in the morning 

Under blankets wet 

Picture frames broken 

You wouldn't ever know 

She's a mess 

Blue Prints (1)

Frames sit steady on the shore 

Empty spaces fill today 

Architect hands placed firmly 

Around 

Your eyes 

Reaching deep inside 

Held with so many regrets 

Pacing fast 

With one last breath 

Catch me if you can 

House sits 

Empty 

Blue print hands 

I have the paper 

I have the pen 

Let me burn old pages 

Bonnie and Clyde she said 

Telegraphs

Come tell me how it goes 

The way stories never seem to end 

The way we write them in our heads 

They told me something different 

As a little girl 

I wore a white dress 

Did what I was told 

There's a hundred monsters 

I'm left lacking 

A hundred broken 

Am I breaking 

Or are you out spoken 

A cowards tale is un forgiven 

Like the monsters 

Hiding under my bed 

Below all the victories 

I stand with pride 

So tell me why 

I'm braver than the hero who saved me 

I sit here asking why 

Wondering what you ask yourself 

At night 

Axis

The record shatters against 

All I have faith in 

I don't believe she lies 

I toss medal jacks like marbles 

There's clouds dressing the sky 

Like an open wound 

Counting time 

What can I do . 

I'll run 

To re write but never be undone 

Like needle and the thread 

I won . In the moment 

I found my army 

When you held me 

The day I was a warrior 

Even when I transpired your ghost 

As I let go 

Faith prays 

For you to find me 

Counting clouds one by one