Thursday, July 16, 2015

Why It Does Exist

I have a very heavy topic to speak of . Will I ruffle some feathers ? May even lose friends and cause many conversations amongst the  young and the old .This topic is cause for great concern and critism , I will write from my own experience - add in excerpts from doctors , and most of all you may find  your self getting angry , but as you get angry - 

Maybe just maybe you may find I am right . So let me take a moment to put on my head phones , plug in my charger and take you on my journey .

I recently had a conversation with a close girlfriend of mine who said ," Amy , we have many soul mates ". She said ," don't limit yourself ". 

I used to believe this - I used to be a cinic 
I'm not saying she is a cinic . So here me out . I was at work last week , I sparked a conversation they said , " Amy , there is no such thing as a soul mate !" I felt sad inside . But just not long ago I was one of them . So let's start back to the beginning . 

All of these people are married . So keep this thought in mind . 
I want to keep this train going in the right direction so stay with me - 

Before we go further let's look at what a true soul mate is first ok . 

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely open and honest with who we are."

Ah, soulmates. The epitome of love and partnership. In our fast-paced chaotic world, which boasts all sorts of different people, we find ourselves skimming through more relationships than we'd like in order to find that one person who can truly open our locks.

Not just anyone can fulfill you the way your soulmate can. There's a world of a difference between your soulmate, your heart's other half and a life partner -- a person who lacks the elements to mold perfectly to you. Your soulmate makes you feel entirely whole, healed and intact, like no piece is missing from the puzzle. A life partner, on the other hand, can be a great supporter and long-time companion, but is limited in his or her capacity to enrich your spirit.

Most of us remain in life-partner relationships because we "settle," for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, we may have a real subconscious fear of being alone. And since we're biologically designed to fall in love, it's only natural that we pair up in this world. But we sometimes prolong what are meant to be temporary relationships and mistakenly settle into them for good. There are relationships which must last for a certain period of time to close out a karmic chapter of life, relationships in which we're meant to have children with our partner but not necessarily remain with them, and relationships which are just plain confusing because a melting pot of emotions doesn't allow us to see our predestined path.

from couples who married their childhood loves to people in their retirement years who still struggle with commitment issues. Most of us fall somewhere between these two extremes, meaning that we experienced several relationships before finding the person we believe to be our perfect pairing. Whether you're currently married, in a relationship, or contemplating entering a relationship with a new love interest, it is crucial that you know what role this person will play in your life. After all, there's no avoiding the inevitable, often uncomfortable question we must ask ourselves: Is this the person I was bound by destiny to share my life with? Or did I settle too quickly into a relationship with someone who can never complete me?

No matter the category you fit into to, there are several indications which clearly outline a soulmate bond (or a lack of bond) between you and your partner. As you go through this list, think about your partner or potential partner and evaluate whether they meet the soulmate criteria.


So here are the questions : 

1. It's something inside. Describing how a soulmate makes you feel is difficult. It's a tenacious, profound and lingering emotion which no words can encompass.

2. Flashbacks. If your partner is your soulmate, chances are he or she has been present in your past lives. Soulmates often choose to come back together during the same lifetime and scope each other out in the big world. You might suddenly and briefly experience flashbacks of your soulmate. You might even feel an odd sense of déjà vu, as if the moment in time has already taken place, perhaps a long time ago, perhaps in a different setting.

3. You just get each other. Ever met two people who finsh each other's sentences? Some people call that spending too much time together, but I call it a soulmate connection. You might experience this with your best friend or your mother, but it is the telltale sign of a soulmate when you experience it with your partner.

4. You fall in love with his (or her) flaws. No relationship is perfect, and even soulmate relationships will experience ups and downs. Still, that bond will be much harder to break. Soulmates have an easier time of accepting, even learning to love, each other's imperfections. Your relationship is more likely to be a soulmate match if you both love each other exactly as you each are, accepting both the great and awful tendencies we all have.

5. It's intense. A soulmate relationship may be more intense than normal relationships, in both good and sometimes bad ways. The most important thing is that, even during negative episodes, you're focused on resolving the problem and can see beyond the bad moment.

6. You two against the world. Soulmates often see their relationship as "us against the world." They feel so linked together that they're ready and willing to take on any feat of life, so long as they have their soulmate by their side. Soulmate relationships are founded on compromise and unity above all else.

7. You're mentally inseparable. Soulmates often have a mental connection similar to twins. They might pick up the phone to call each other at the exact same time. Though life may keep you apart at times, your minds will always be in tune if you are soulmates.

8. You feel secure and protected. Regardless of the gender of your partner, he or she should always make you feel secure and protected. This means that if you're a man, yes, your woman should make you feel protected, too! Your soulmate will make you feel like you have a guardian angel by your side. A person who plays on your insecurities, whether consciously or subconsciously, is not your soulmate.

9. You can't imagine your life without him (or her). A soulmate is not someone you can walk away from that easily. It is someone you can't imagine being without, a person you believe is worth sticking with and fighting for.

10. You look each other in the eye. Soulmates have a tendency to look into each other's eyes when speaking more often than ordinary couples. It comes naturally from the deep-seated connection between them. Looking a person in the eye when speaking denotes a high level of comfort and confidence.

Whether you're designed by the universe to be soulmates or two loving people who have settled for each other's strengths and weaknesses, the decision is yours. The beauty of free will is that you can remain in or change any relationship as you see fit. To be with your soulmate is one of the precious treasures of life. And if you feel you've found your heart's other half, I wish you endless days of joy and laughter, and countless nights of deep embrace, unraveling the mysteries of the universe one by one.


Soul mate or twin is something that is true and real . Sometimes like stated above if we marry young or settle its not because we found that spiritual twin connection , sadly it's found later in life it causes confusion . But it doesn't make it less real . This isn't about lust . 

I myself only experienced it once in life . It wasn't even to the person I married . I thought I loved in life until I experienced this . You feel what they feel , you just get them . It truly is a twin flame . 

My point is if you have found it no matter what your circumstance , be happy it's out there  ..... 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Caged Birds

There's 2 sunsets 
One is dressed as the other undresses - 

One is at the east 
The other the west - 

You watch the dawn , 
Wondering how to reach her 
As the stars beg for forgiveness 
You toss and turn under the moon 
One you call home 
One you call your dreams - 
One kisses you good night from across 
The sea 
One falls asleep - 

Churches

If scars had confessions 
They could tell a story 
Of nights full love and whisky 

It was the best thing I could ever remember 
Just as tomorrow reminds us  
Of all the nights missed 
Holding hands 
Slipping fingers past closed doors 
Reaching for one last moment 
Hoping it never passes away 

I don't care about tomorrow 
I just care about today
Because it's one more day
 I smile 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Cuffs

Bullets hail down the hall - 
She laughs finishing her last cigarette 
Could you find her ? 

She's running towards you 
Down the empty streets 
It's dark , I know 
But she slows the rain 
For a kiss good night

As she climbs 


In her get away - car 

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Wishing wells

There's a toll he said - 
She asked him how much - 

He said it cost nothin 
I said nothins free darling 

He said my love 
I won't leave 

I sat at the gate 
Dropped my coins in the well 

Took your hand 

Watched him - 

Walk away . 

Monday, June 29, 2015

Seeds

There's a window 
Where your fingers stained clear glass 

There's me 
Watching the reflection of the future 
I can't see - 

Prints staring at me 
I can't see past them 

I see you 
Watching me 

Inbox blinks empty 
My eyes a blank screen 

Every song on the radio
Is a conversation between you 
And 
Me . 

I can't bring it back 
As the sun sets 

I can scream 
But are you listening ? 


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Current

You have stolen my heart 

Sitting beneath the sunset 
Counting shapes in the skie 
Searching for the silver lining 
Of living and learning - 

I fall asleep on an empty pillow
Waiting for what the world has for me 
I'm fine 

But 
You have stolen my heart -

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Bonnie and Clyde

It's a chase amongst words 
Half wisdoms - and could haves 
Hope weighs heavy on my shoulders 

It's Bonnie - it's Clyde 

I ride in the sunset 
My face in your hands 
I can't convince you - no 
I just wanted to be your home 

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Houses

I sit here with a bag of hearts 
Blaming myself -  there's no place like home 

I wasn't prepared to hold hands 
With fingers broken 

Healing in the snow 
Hold me one last time 
As I feel you breathing 

Brick buildings falling away

I sit here 
Head turned to the door 
I can't spell regret 
But this good bye spells your name 

I look away 
I can't change today 
Heart beats to yesterday 

There's no place like home 
Rebuilding is never easy 

I wasn't prepared to hold hands 
With broken fingers 

But what  you couldn't see was my feet 
Safely planted on the ground 

Here to carry 
You 

Now she walks alone 
Bag of hearts broken 

There's more to this 
More to never leaving 

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Swords (1)

There's the devil 
Sitting in his bed side manner ..... 

His grin catches the room 
Everything falls like sand slipping 
From an hour glasses throat - 

I turn to him 
He grins - 

We meet again - 
Tell me about the war 
As he tries to hold my hand 

I move past the shadow 
Into the light 

My blood violet 
Iris is an ocean 

I laugh 

As I continue on my path . 

Monday, June 15, 2015

Possibility

Across a broken sky 
Masked in umbrellas 

Lost in a maze - 
Pictures hang on walls 
Losing there gaze 

I search for windows 
It's raining ...... 

Find me here 
In this place 
Where trains they come 
And 
Go 

Where no one can hear me 
Run your fingers across my Braille 

I will watch behind your eyes 
As you keep my heart beating 

Suddenly I can't breathe 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

No Good byes- tribute to gage seal who was killed at 15 years old

There's a hole  in the clouds 
Where you picked up my last smile 
Took it to heaven 

Did God realize you forgot 
We need you here 
Does he understand 

That every good night and good morning 
Has been lost in memory 

I can't forget it was yesterday 
When you hugged me 

Laughter catches fire and youre the wind 
Setting happiness to the world 
To the words wer'e left here to remember 

We pray - 

As you watch from above 
Nothing's the same 

The world cries 
Today it's raining .....

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Rapid

I collect finger prints 
Like old news papers 
From my hands 
Left un touched 
Un washed - 

Shaken . 

If I turn away 
Will you find the smile 
Lost in the ocean
Separating you 
From 
Me 

I whisper your name 
In a summer rain 
No one sees me there alone 

Dreaming - 

I wrap his jacket around me 
I watch you laughing 
But it's in my sleep 

As I sit here collecting 
Finger prints 
From hands 
Like old news papers 

Shaken - 

Left here alone 


What Is Love

We fit in a box 
No unfinished sentence 
Or period 

No smeared or blank conversation 
We speak with out talking 
We hear with out having to listen 

There's something to be said about magic 
The way it's unfolded 
Two magnets from two ends of the earth 
Collide in one room 
Under a million circumstances 
To only be reminded that they just get it 
As one world becomes two 
Never really becoming one again 

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Painted

Tracing circles around tired eyes
Watching an empty sky
I break away

Theirs a filthy canvas I paint
Can you see me hide
the music plays against the stars
as they rust from magnet skies.

Take my hand let me kiss you
even if its pretending
Ill jump from your bridge
Into everything you want to erase

Feel my finger prints
leaving scars -

Call me Eros
as arrows hail from walking dead

theirs nothing I can do
The needle was half way in when you were found ~


I am an addict just like you ......


I lie here counting stars
from with in


as I sit on your blankets
Its cold
a holocaust
sitting in your coffin
As it beats

Tracing circles
Letting me kiss you
Even if its just pretend.




Monday, June 1, 2015

Converge (1)

God gave us graces 
With mercy on her back 
I can't seem to find the road 
That leads back 

There's a mask on the sky tonight 
Hiding her secrets 
As I jot them down 

If I can see you 
Who then sees me 
As I remain in a hollow hand 

Do you understand ? 

Close your eyes 
That's where you will find me 
In the words she never said 

It's a complicated matter 
I'm sure 
As I kiss you good night 
As I find my way home 

I kiss the hearts of sailors 
Of slaves 
Of warriors 

I remain invisible 
As I rest my head 
Will you find me 
In all she left you with 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Wonderland (1)

Alice takes a swallow 
Finds herself smaller 
Reflection hauntingly shattered 
Racing to find the peices that make her 
Big 
Again 

Door handles rusted 
Leading to the hallways 
Where letters read on walls 
Are the arrows of perfection 
In reflections of those hand held 
Compilations she needs so badly 

Now the locks are locked so tightly 
The cat sits smiling 
Of all the love he never quite had 

But I know who has the key 
I'm not the one for reckoning 
I'm also not crazy 
My head is on tightly 
As I swallow it all one more time 
I had it all since the beginning 

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Un - certain

Lost diaries hold secrets 
Of letters that will not return to her sender the way they were sent 
Like the way you entered the room 
The way we went 
Swept away like rain in the winter 
Thoughtless mindless 
Torn away 
Like an envelope lost from her stamp 
I have no home no address 

Left the last look 
Of the first love with no hello 
No good bye 

Tell me 
How to live 
Lost . 

Losing

I cross the ocean 
As I lie here staring at the ceiling 
My prison , a funeral holds my hand 
I can't shake her 
She sings me to sleep 
She whispers good morning 

I look past her to find your smile 
I throw on my head phones 
Streaming songs of conversations 
Run muted and shattered like this note 
Words sent under untouched lips 

I wait . 
I feel you listening . 
As I lay here 
I know you hear me . 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Heaven

On the contrary I speak in eternity 
Will you be with me 
Somewhere holding my hand 
Can you chase your fears away 
For a moment 
To hold my hands 

I'm standing now right at the beginning 
Where the world is mocking me 
I wrinkle my nose at there suggestions
That I may not be something made 
Of ashes and queens 

I wait for you ....

To come running 
To catch my smile 
To hold it safely 
Big brown eyes alone 
In the dawn 
Will you be 
My destiny 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Casualty

Rusted hurricanes settle on the floor
Whispering across rippled clouds
They color my eyes red

I'm haunted in this bed
Shadows on my skin
Stitched carefully , I breathe you in

Heart turns to smoke
Filling my empty room

Sun sets
Eyes turn black
She's bare , intentions left for her audition

I read the script
Handcuffed to eyes
That bring me in

Time nods her head
As I fall asleep again

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Gains

theres the broken yellow line
Expired eyes welcome ocean iris 
As he sifts through gains and over due losses 

She holds an ocean in a locket 
Placed around her neck 
It pounds - 

It's bent . 

Who can open it ? 

He holds her 
She begins to Run 
Forgive me friend 

As I open my door . 


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Your country song

I have a heart full of fight
I can sing a country song
As I watch you in the sunrise

I run even faster at the hope
You are their at the end
Sometimes forever might not work out my way

Dosent make me love you less
Or hate the good byes

Never loved like I loved you
Never lived til I lived in you

You woke me up
Gave me life

I can sing a country song
Lost against the sunrise

It's all in how you saved the day
Keep saving me every day

Believe me when I say
I'll love you to the last dawn
As she shuts her eyes

When I say my last good bye
You will be there
I will run to the sun rise hoping
Til the end
Just a chance to see you again

You stole my soul / mate
Your all I'll ever want in the midst of hell
To the heaven above
You are my hero

This is my country song
I'll sing it to my dying day

So here it is
She wanders the streets at night
Haunted by good byes
Always running to the sunrise

Friday, April 10, 2015

Castles

I sleep with a ghost
Waiting upon the return of the dead
I'm there in your back pocket
As you walk the path so uncertain

Will you come back
My smile waits for you
My heart lies somewhere in the graffiti painted by your hands
There is nothing left

Will someone take your place ?
The empty seat you left
Do you feel me crashing
All around you
Feel me
When your gone

This castle is wrapped in caution tape
They see the sign
I sit on the steps

It's crazy I know
In the waiting
Waiting for the ghost

Who built every stone
Even if I wait alone
Until it all comes crashing down

No one Is to enter in
Just close your eyes
Feel me here
Where we once stood

Now evicted
Im left here singing this song
Watching the road

Til I'm dead

Til I rebuild this all again

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Galaxy

Trains pass like ghost
Stars mourn the day
Left in the arms of night

The climbing tracks are old
Looking for a home

Guided by a wilted balloon in a hurricane
Black marker etched names

Always coming
Numb to the goings .

There's only a paper trail left
Of the day we met
But yet our journey is never ending


Thursday, April 2, 2015

Halves

There's a contest in the fire
Walking ashes
I've starved long before you made it to my door
I'm strong in you
I'm someone's bones
I'm un breakable
I'm a shadow
Pressed beyond the piano
Made for more
Made me something beautiful

You were the sun set
And a night mare

No longer safe
As you left
This is my song
I write across a hundred miles
About a love that never dies
And heart locket friendships laced in gold
Held in dirty palms
Close to secrets
Codes in this song
No one could ever tell
Etched sacred between
You
And
Me
I visit the grave
Where it says we lay
Peacefully
As the tears run down my past
I know 6 feet under were still holding hands

Eros

Iris melts on canvas
Painted pictures
Bare

If I told you how deep the loss
Would you believe me ?

A whole universe without her star
A compass missing her arrow

She walks the roads alone
Amoungst a hundred men
They grab her hand
Her hair tassled in the wind

She searches for him
In every single one

She looks at their hand
None
Her
King


Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Post War

I flip through songs like a deck of cards
Trying to find something to write
I lie here now on my bedroom floor
Eyes piercing the ceiling

There's no use
I can't retrieve you
I can't forget you either

Every song hides your smile
Every conversation sheds your light
I look back to see if your their and
Nothing


Friday, March 27, 2015

Time

There's no rainbow here
Under falling rain I bow
Finger tips running under
Demi gods

I can't quite reach you -
Thunder claims shaken lips
Nothing to say
Wars lost and wage -
One stands in the middle

I try to brave a smile
As the black crow circles her body
Waiting for the kill

Windshield holds no notes
She drives home alone
Chasing after butter flies
Love is fleeting under empty skie
An orphan .

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Lockets

I hit my veins again
Knowing tomorrow I'll wake up with the same head aches
It's a redeeming addiction
One to kill me
No fancy words to jot down
Just a thousand miles of secrets
And the way you looked at me

Your the heart shaped locket
Thrown in a lingerie drawer
Picture cut
Hoping you hold the other half
Of the I love
You

I try I promise I tried
You told me to forget you

But you are
My I love you

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The End

The drive is dark
Haunted by old ghost and eyes looking back

its midnight
The head lights guide my way home
I'm lost in your eyes
Pounding the back of my memory
Driving - my heart

There's nothing I can do about good byes
I sing out of tune to the radio
And love you every day all over again -

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Deeper

A pool of manequine stitched words slowly 
Fall 
Into an empty void 
You speak but I can't even get in 
How could you 

Tragic death 
Hung by a noose 
Can't figure it 
Love slits my wrist 
Blood beneath my veins 
It's dark 
Can you save me 

Monday, March 9, 2015

Compiling (1)

Complicate the masses
Point the finger my way
No roses in my garden
Failures tend to their wounds
I pick up the bandages

No one picking me - up
There's a trail of tears stitched to your fairy tales
Burned with the bridge we built

Tell me
The story again
I've got a brass knuckle heart
Please try your best to come right in
The music plays
Do you even know my name
Look up above
My iris hasn't changed

There's Peter
There's Paul

Wars wage on
My souls bare
As I lie here
In my pretty dress

I dare you
To remember
To move me
To break me

With
In

When

Congratulations on the third step
Walking on water is never easy
As I'm tied to this bed called destiny
A ship on fire floating in a deserted sea

As you build your empire
Seems to be the audience I'm dancing for
I'm choking with no land and no sight to your ocean

I'm not drowning

Congratulations my friend
As everything is empty
I'm screaming
No one is listening
Who's the captain she says
Who's the brave one

3 steps walking on water
To drowning

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Some sort of secret

I bandaged my eyes
I cut a heart out
I handed it over
To find it on the floor

The messages punched and deleted

like a time card
Empty
Figuratively speaking


Monday, February 16, 2015

Detriment (1)

Scattered on a cold floor
Suffer chained to a concrete stone
She holds him under the water
Watches him drowned

As I'm left here alone on the bed
I can bring you home from the dead

Wake up
Walk
Like you never fell
The flies gather
Your an easy sell

Left to your own inadequacy
When you can remain whole

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Contradiction

Hearts hang on old weatherd hooks
Unattended and alone
Sleeping to the noise of closing doors
And waking to the possibility of hope

12 months walking
12 lost
14 is the number of floors
10 is the number of my steps
Walking out your door

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Instagram

It's arbitration time
Jury is out
It's hanging time
Just 365 days but who's the count
I read the lines
Nothing is what sits in perfect picture frames
I'm the stars you wished on
Never collected the grants

In the palm of my hands
She has a black iris
With out you she is dead

Veins run like paint
She sleeps alone
Empty picture frames

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Sued

The buttons on my coat are worn
Thread stitch and lace panties
Lips red
Thrown across evening sunset
She's only there for a moment

Sitting in your chair
Afraid to move

Watching her rise and fall
With out your hands

I breathe you in
As you watch from afar
Your favorite sin

Until the dawn takes her again

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Dragons

There's a bridge
Your on one side

I'm drowning in the other
I'm dressed in black
Ready for the funeral
I'm screaming
Your eyes looking ahead
Never turning back

I am dressed in night
I watch my light walk away
From me

A million keys breaking
I can't breathe
I sit here naked
I know you see me

Afraid to save me
Afraid of drowning

I am fighting
I am calling your name

You can hear me

Monday, February 2, 2015

Bottles At Sea

When the message came it was blank
Ink wet , smeared between lenses
Her lamp was on lips wet
She thought about it

He pulses under skin
Like heroin


Monday, January 19, 2015

Where You Are Is not my home

There's a stigmatism in the air
I can't quite see you clear
I'm aware you'll never read these lines
I hide behind
There's a coat in the closet
The smell of your shirt and a broken heart in my pocket
Where I saw you through

Now the Night is empty
And everything I see
I see clearly

And everything is nothing with out you
I hold on to my sanity
Keeps the calm from tumbling
But I still feel you

I grab your hand in my dream
I beg you to never let go
I wake up
Sleepy eyed and alone

The worst part is you'll never hear my song

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

13 th Floor

If you can hear me , speak to me . For your the only one who hears and I'm the only one who's listening .

Behind

Stories are courted in dialated iris
Secrets form in clusters beneath the surface
The light draws dim and fills with puddles ....

It's their in a corner
As it bleeds into everything
It's impossible to forget
Love
This love for you

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Shatter

I couldn't recall the good bye 
Or the way you shut the door that night 
How the dominos fell one by one inside never to again be collected 
Just left a mess on the floor in the dark 

I couldn't recall any of it 

The only thing I remember was your light 
Entering the room that night . 

Friday, January 9, 2015

1000 Steps

I haven't forgotten the words of a hero 
That echo down my halls 
I can't find rest as I stare out my window 

Road is long 
Lost somewhere in your eyes 
Never finding home again 
As days turn into cluttered moths 
In a closet 
I sit in your shadow 
Broken heart .

Monday, January 5, 2015

Star necklace

Brush stroke smiles falling from Demons haunt my day 
A razor blade runs blank across my skin 
As I thought of him ... 
The way they walk from my arms into an empty crowd - 
Home is not a passing train , yet I'm left stranded at an old station 
Air full of scotch and last nights intentions 

No love - no star necklace as I fall into the sea , 
A boat so big - yet sails remain small ,
A heavy restitch - a thoughtless good bye 

No there isn't an answer is there ...

Waiting for the 7 o'clock train ... 
Luggage empty 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Private Life

It's December the years sand is running through my hands . I've fought so hard to not fail , to never fall apart . I have integrity and it's never repaid . I'm running in a maze where life wars with pain . 
Why did he walk away ? Why is there a cyst in my brain ? Why has this year been hard ? I pride myself on having all the answers , you know . I'm pretty smart when it comes to people , but today I have no answers . 
I'm climbing steps that are exhausting only to find myself on top of a ladder . 
I know I just need to pray and have faith . 
It's not a mid life crisis you see , it's just my life , I don't take it to seriously but then again , benchmarks do , 

Where do we go from here as tears stream down my face , writing to an audience wondering if you have ever felt the same . I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be , but I also know I've come so far , I'll get there some day 

4 Squares

There's a note left empty on the back door
I kept the t shirt and my hoodie that is left with your scent 
With all the umbrellas telling their stories in the rain 
I'm left alone in pain 
Your good bye a understated cliche 
And my smile you threw away 

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Endings

The year closes her eyes 
I tell you , the scars are hidden under miles of broken bones and inked arms . 

She ask's me 
How to begin again 
I tell her time heals most wounds 
As I filter out the hooks and jackets 
Ready to set out amoungst  the rain 

As I kiss him good bye one very last time 
As puddles form beneath her feet 
She Braves the storm again 

Monday, December 22, 2014

Pardons

Archived it says , a thousand secrets 
Inbox flashing empty 

Folders sit under wire rimmed glasses 
Where every smile meets and cars drive by round cemetery track 

Control alt delete 

Sleepless

When I think about it I feel sick and can't sleep ... 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

How to Know A Secret

This is the most real excerpt I will ever write . So pay very close attention . I want to say it because it's the most important life story I learned this year . I have thousands of readers here so I want to spill my guts ... 

This is a rare event I know . 

How do I explain it ? Mmmmm.... This just became difficult . I this year learned what true love is . There were no games , no lies ,  it just was . No worries of intentions , no who text or emails first . 
I'm telling you , listen closer ... 

When you open your heart to someone there is no bull shit . It just is , for good or 
Bad . You dig into each other and listen .  
Best friends ... 

If something is less than this , drop it . 
Period -2014

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Hydrogen

Smiles crease empty iris 
Crowds shed light on empty conversations 
Nothing is heard 
Talking with nothing said . 

The wall stands tall 
Holding hands through cracks 
I turn , no one looking back 
A mirror 
Just like that .... Disappears 

Friday, December 19, 2014

Current

There's a lost ship with no sein 
The current breaks her legs and she mourns 
There is no turning back the tide , you see 
No wind to fill the sail 
I'm washed amongst the sand 
Depleting an hour glass through bloody hands 

I watch the stars 
Making the wish one more time 


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

North

Justice stands in the middle of broken asphalt 
Tied to nothing yet anchored to tragedy 
Puddles stream on night pillows 
As she breathes you in to sleep 
Run to shelter - an empty room 
Locket tucked around my neck 

There's nothing any one can do now 
I can see for miles 
Scraped knees won't heal . 
Street signs pointing north . 

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Muse

She rustles through autumn leaves 
Watches them dying - falling to the floor 

Winter sets in , a quiet death 
A violent war - 
Arrows in the chest 
Only one breath left 
The snow is silent 
She can't wake up 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Black Keys

Body lies in the road 
Flat line and needing a life line 
Her veins black 
Lips red
Snow falls 
Nothing remains 
Stepping through darkness 
Finding light ......

Monday, December 1, 2014

Parachutes

The counter offers my coffee cold 
Eyes lifting from the floor 
Looking to the crowd - strangers turn to water colors , I can't see a single one 

I can't lose the dream . Only lost when I sleep . 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Shattered Sea

Caught a break at the shore 
Heart beats running low 
4 cords broken , and a necklace .... 

The loss of breath in a speechless memory 
Not knowing the time and what I lost 
The last moment you held me 

Caught under a tide 
Where you used to save me 

Circle

Abandoned by faith , I reach across finger tips left in the wind 
I wanted to carry you - 

A landslide of a world crumbles 
If I could have one more day 
When all the minutes are long gone 

Smoke settles I'm left alone 
I won't run 
I wanted to carry you 
Can I bend the wind 
For one more day 

Saturday, November 22, 2014

lucky Penny

Cost of a lost penny 
The one you held onto for so long 
Escaping through muted holes in my pocket , 

The rain is pouring out here 
I'm searching through the cold 
My knees bruised and the whole world washes away 

Sifting through the pain 
It's growing dark 
I'm lost 
 
I can't go home til I find it 
No where in sight .....


Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Awaken (1)

I catch the sun light in a rusted window 
Warm embrace in this cold room 
Always raining inside 

Lying on the ground watching clouds pass by , 
I grasp the warm buttons of your smile 
Wrap it around me like a lost photograph found over and over again 

As the light passes , I beg her hero to come home . But these pictures are black 
And white . 

Waiting by the window 
To catch her sun 
Again 

Friday, November 14, 2014

Diary

I lie in bed , my mind races . I'm flooded with memories of a lost love , I'm flooded with the day's stress . Then I hear a movie playing in the back ground of my thoughts . It's the 1959 sleeping beauty . As the music plays my mind slows back to child hood . The movie is magical in its vintage innocence . All at once my daughter who is napping beside me puts her head on my chest and wraps her arms around my neck . She mutters in her sleep about how she loves me . All at once my mind is blank and stress leaves me ..... 

As the piano suit plays in the back ground . I fall asleep . 

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Her Letter

She can't sleep any more , she tries to erase it . She lays on her pillow and it floods her brain , she feels like it's slipping away like an hour glass with no sand ..... 

No end . 

Just lost in her memories of you . 

She knows he won't come back . 
But she has a fire in her heart that won't die . 
She is alright with that . 

But she has no rest .... 
No answer .... 
She just knows , for the first time in her life , what love feels like . 

Your in every song , decision , tear , and smile . 

She can't sleep anymore , 
She knew the last time she looked in his eyes would be the last , 
She stared at him for a while . Breaking into a hundred million peices inside . 
She held it in with a smile ......no one could see it , but you . You knew . 
You knew she truly loved you ...

Saturday, November 8, 2014

14th wish

Giving up a hollocaust 
Slitting my wrist to not feel this pain 
It's a tragic war , she whispers in the darkness of where your light used to shine 
She looks down , can't be a friend of time . 
I close brass button jacket
Slip on my glasses and hide behind black ink edges , burning like ashes 
Can you see the flames ? 
Left here alone , no ones to blame 

Soul is a ghost I sent with you 
With puffy red lips 

A heart 

A wish 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Car sales and judgement

Today was a horrible day . I guess people really have a picture in their minds that car salesman are bad people . I sold Audi 's and guess what my store was honest . We would get fired for lying to our customers . My new job its relentless , they are so vicious towards me because they have this idea that I'm bad , because I sold cars ? Let's take this deeper ... Shall we ? First of all fuck you to the people who judge others .  There are bad people in any profession ,  no matter what .  I'm a nice , honest person .

I was told to quit today because I'm a car salesman ... So lesson is - don't judge others . And fuck everyone who does ...


Sunday, November 2, 2014

The Truth on Beauty

I've been taught my whole life in order to be loved or accepted I must be super thin , dress a certain way , be a certain way . Being taught that I was enough was never in the daily routine . I grew up with severe eating disorders and social anxiety . I bought into a lie . Thankfully I know now that it is a lie . 

I work out to be healthy and strong and acceptance based on beauty is not my focus but my integrity and my heart . 
I see so many people dying of eating disorders . Is it hard every day for me to believe I'm enough ? Yes . It's haunting .

I'm not saying not to care for yourself or be healthy because these are crucial to a healthy life and mind . 

What I am saying is , you are enough just the way you are in the mirror . I mean if you are not good enough for someone else than are they enough for you ? 
The answer is no . 

Let me tell you a story , years ago I was so weight obsessed I took every drug spent hours in gym every day and almost died . I found myself in a hospital and thought this is not worth my life . It was that day I chose to live . 

Lesson : do not compare your self to others . 
Do not talk negatively to yourself 
Do not find love of self in others . It's in you 

If you have an eating disorder get help . It will kill you . 

Be you be beautiful . Don't let anyone silence you . Be empowered . 

Thank you 
Amy 

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Post - tragic

There's a single smile set aside in time only meant for you , 
As I move to the train I see it coming 
I board and wave good bye . 

There is nothing I can do 
Love isn't enough to save the world 
I was looking to save yours 

I battled the war , not alone but apart 
And the station is empty 
So she boards alone 

Friday, October 31, 2014

Winter

The cold stains her fingers as she holds what's left of her heart
Sleeping under the stars captured in a necklace dangling in the snow

What she has left of wishes is fading in the cold winter
As she patches the broken mirror together she sees his reflection ....

Yet she can't reach him .

Saturday, October 25, 2014

The Crown

Blue stains the walls of her eyes 
Never leaving imprinted iris , a blooming heart photographing fingerprints on fragile soul stitched together 

Like shadows and untouched puzzles never knowing the picture only loving the color and the time spent together building kolidiscopes and sky scrapers 

May I write a fairy tale , where you rescue me ? 

The man in the puzzle is you and the girl you ask for is me , and you find that missing peice on the floor , 

And there you are looking back at me .

Friday, October 24, 2014

A dear diary

It's Friday night , there are two days left to leaving Audi . It's very emotional . For reasons that I'm saying good bye to much more than my job . I cried all the way home tonight . I don't do very many "dear diaries ". 

Transition - means : you see friends rise and you see friends fall . Also I feel him near me , I wish he would just write , but that's another story . 

There has been tremendous love and pain this year . The most extreme of both and so here I am alone on Friday night writing to all of you . I have made huge changes and I'm proud of myself . I don't feel them yet , but I've made them . I feel the hard part of change , but I know soon the reward will soon come . I have to be positive . Thank you to all my loved ones the ones who are here and proved to stand by my side ... Until next time 

Amy 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Comings and Goings

History goes black 
ink spilled in elementary notes and unused grammar of I love you , destined for hearts asleep on pillows that could never imagine the tears that fall for you , 

On lined notebook scribbles , waiting at the store , empty inbox, filled to the brim is four chambers of your smile and everything I could give , 

Of your beauty , the beauty of your flaws, your home was in me , if I captured a moment , I would take one last picture to hold your smile again . 

There's no other love . as this pen runs dry 

Love Song

I'll never get used to losing you

Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Wake

I play  in the snow , keys stained by broken souls fallen on black and white porcelain ashes , foot steps crowd an empty dream as I wipe rusted drawn eyes 

It's left here in print with no proof of existence as the snow falls my brass buttons freeze , pink lips open in disbelief 

In the memory of this funeral procession
Of the final moment when I stood eye to eye  in front of you searching every moment 
To find one to grasp your heart so you would stay 
But you looked into my eyes
Then you looked away 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Compromise

There's a cost to sitting out the war
Nothing gained , losing everything with out ever holding on 
Regret echos the empty drive and the smell of  rotting defeat as the glass sits empty 
For another night left to rusted chairs sitting in a cold bar 
Speaking so clearly , and it's to late 
Waisted gains 

To return tomorrow knowing you will come home wanting 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Letting Go

It's that corner in the day , you live
I sit with you still , where I used to hold your hand 
Now I'm grasping your fingers 
Letting go is all of me , I'm screaming and begging for your ghost not to go 
A shadow of what remains , a vision that steals my soul , 

With you it was  real , I have to stop looking in your direction . Your not coming around and I know , 

The tears fall , as many as the miles you rest your head away and I can't , I sit here in the corner of the day , searching for your eyes , to tell me it will be all right 
Down to hands and fingers  , I look down and cry . 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Passing

Grace takes my hand , another dawn follows me in her sleep 
Still he is not here and the days remain hollow 
The light stands still at the end of the tunnel and all I have is fate and faith 
And a little girls dreams I hold onto with notes crumpled and old . 

I keep them in a safe box beneath my lungs locked away . Waiting for eternity's hoping for his return 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Maybe another day

Negative space compiles over Picasso's best canvas torn down in a rage 
I converge to the road I drive aimless 
There's your eyes I center my gravity 
Nothing is everything lost now in broken days 
I wait at the door and nothing 
Faith sleeps with her mask on and I'm pounding down her door . Is anyone listening ?
I carry you in my smile , in the song and in every peice I give away and hold on to 
I can't seem to move . I can't seem to breathe you see . 
You are the lungs I used under the ocean 
The heart I used to find joy 
There is nothing apart from my day with out you 
As I let go I hold on , as I wait a little longer  

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Island

I've tried all the alleys and the roads 
Something is coming at a cost 
I just can't shake the way you broke me 
Hammered me down to the floor 

Tell me since your long gone how your the only one who found the way 
Through the maze 

Left me standing here 
It isn't right 

You stranded her here , at this private sea 
A cast away 
I'm dead with out you its just a matter of time and it's ok 

No one you see ever found it , 
Held my hand walked the distance 

As I sit here now alone watching the current 

Will it ever bring you back to me ? 

Because there's no way back with out you , 

I've never been here . 


Saturday, September 20, 2014

City lights

Composition of life extends her arms 
I ask her to talk 
She lights a cigarette , says honey I can't bring him back .... 
There's a hum to the city air it's cold and I'm Empty 
I walk under the lights , they whisper something about the night , I can't hear a word they say 
As I run out of breath I wonder where my home is .
And I write an obituary for the memories in my head , all the words I write never seem to be as great as the smile you left on my heart so I throw it in the trash instead 
I beg the stars to bring you back 
I beg this place I write for you to come home 
As I grieve 
As I walk these streets lost with out you 
There's nothing left I can do 
Nothing left to say 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Shadow

Tide comes in , steals the dawn from my broken hands 
The tears stream and their used for your benifit , 
I walk the places we have been , and it corners the thoughts in my head . 

I can't get away . As far as you ran , 
It's midnight and I'm trying to sleep 
 
I'm waiting 
No ones looking back at me . I can't sleep

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Snares

There's a broken sidewalk 
I trace the lines carefully , 

Cautious is the lions den 
Pacing back and forth for the lamb 
As he tries to pretend he is a King 
Crowns don't have to try to be made of gold 
As you come up a filthy penny . 


#enemies


Monday, September 8, 2014

Pages

I lay here on stage , 
Audience quiet , I hang my coat 
Toss the piano away . 

I'm alone , in a crowded room 

Remembering yesterday . 

Friday, September 5, 2014

Don't

Don't leave me here , I'm in love with an addiction , and I can't imagine this time while your gone , it's defeating me and she's in tears . 

There's a dream in the sky 
And only you could take me their 
Now I'm dancing alone in the night 
Dreaming you will meet me here 

So I wait in the dawn 
Across broken asphalt 
Watching for you to come and save me 

So listen here my love 

Don't leave me here . 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Half Past Midnight

The record plays over and over 
Same song same good byes , 
The story should've never been 

Written that way - 

I sit with the endings , the fabric of torn sheets 
Fingerprints smudged as they walk out 
Away 
From 
Me 

There's a pillow I lie on 
Where my dreams are asleep 

It's not what I had written 
It blows away in an empty wind 

I run fast to replace it 
Nothing seems as real 

There's always the consequence 
To risking the last kiss , captured in every poem that followed to the moment 

I'm lead to believe there is an untold story 
Of chasing dreams 

If he asked , " I found my self breathing in your breath , the marrow of the heart that pounded in her chest , grasping for his soul to come clean , " 

As he 
Escaped 
From 
Me 

I'm left with the story 
Of an empty midnight street 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Windows

The path is broken limbs on winter roses 
Sullen , black and have record of coursing vains that imprint 
Foot steps in callused snow 

She grieves the dawn , so she loses sleep 
Knowing it's another day your gone 


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Paths

Gravity bends measuring the mirror 
There's a void an we run to the light 
Moths flickering about thier journey 

Stuck in the framed glass window 
Comfortable  by it's warmth 
Yet that is where they die 

There's an open door
I walk out of 
I breathe the air 
I'm alive 


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Walking The Line

Cash hands out a line about hurt 
An you know what I mean as the weeks trail on , 
Words crumble on paper as I type 
I can't find them , the lamp shade grows dim 
My mask hides a lions den 
I'm pacing waiting for the slaughter  

Only that it's dead winter , we know our fate 

I picture the dawn warm 
Every morning 

As this month closes 
Another book 
Another poem

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Vision

I run this race and see you beside me 
Every breath I lose 
You whisper a winning secret 
No one can see you but me 

I'm digging deeper 
The finish line is far 
I'm alone 
But yet you are with me 

Tears stream down my face 
And you tell me don't give up 

I barely made it today 
As I finish at the line 
Your eyes 
Your smile disapate
We will try again tomorrow 



Sunday, August 17, 2014

Wagers

There's a glory in faith when she looks upon you and smiles 
An all the hope we hide behind tired eyes 
Is alive and we are awakened by all that we ever dreamed of 

Risk wins battles as you sit in my shadows , I'm winning because of your purpose , if you could only see me now 

There's a moment when I'm still 
I realize your ghost is leading me into war 
It's all I've got left to hold on to 
My heart cracks more , I'm left heavy 
Standing in the crowds , with out you 
Alone . 

Faith raises her hands and tilts her head 
I told her I didn't believe her , 
As I now lie here alone . 

But what they don't understand that in this , I know that it's real . 


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Files (1)

I trail beyond the surface 
Glitter falls in some fashion of funeral rain 
I begin to laugh like I'm insane 
Reality sets in , 
Of all that is and I scratch it with a needle and heroine switches up that conversation we had to sometime last May when you thought I was something , 

I can't take away your numbness 
It's something you have to wake up from. 
You can't use me for your excuses 
Your judgement is clouded , my shot has one blood IV injection straight to the heart 

Your dilated eyes see my intention 
Your running 
I'm guessing your not coming home tonight 

There's only so many bruises I can take 
I just wanted your bed to lie in 
A place to call home 

You wouldn't believe it if I painted it on your walls 
Would you ? 
It's you who should be doing the convincing . 

I'm not the martyr . 
I gave it my all . 

I wear your name on my heart framed lense 
You let me go like a watches hand 
Turning with out forgiveness 

You walk past . 
I wear my dress for you 
Do you notice ? 

But you walk on by 
Shaking hands with fear and pride 
Like everything's all right 

And then you leave with out even saying 
Good night 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Ladders

There's a cold road we travel 
Unhanded with brave smiles 
Wearing our proud hearts 
Wondering why we get thrown the stripes 
To breathe in their pain and let out a sigh 

Training to be a champion 
Missing it by the mile and I'm reminded 
As I lose sleep that no one is at her finish line 

Blood fills her eyes she grips the ropes 
Tells herself she can finish alone 

I handed out paper hearts 
Scissors and rocks in return 

I can do this I sing to myself 
I can finish this 
As they leave my side 

With every mile built in stone 
Every boy lost in sand 
I build a castle 
Watch the tide pass me by 
Haunted by ghost 

Of every good bye 

The winter won't forgive 
I wear a half cocked smile 
She knows I'll win the race 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Story

There's a oneness about the atmosphere 
In a moment lost in your picture 
Removed from words that separate hands from I love you to good byes 

Lingering to the lost moment in between 
Tracing every step wondering how I could 
Get it back to change her back 

To ask her for the chance to live again 
For only a moment on your breath 
To ask your eyes the question 
If you had one last moment 
Would you give me one more minute 
Before you turned your head 
Did you even look back 
Did you ask yourself the question 

As I sat in bed wondering 

my heart layed on the floor beating 
As you walked down the hall bleeding 

Could you tell me ? 

Or was it easy 

I lay here now 
Not wounded 
Not in need of a simple needle and thread 

 But shattered and un mended 
As sure as I know you will not read this 
For if you could 
Surly you would answer 

Walk down back through the hall 
As I lay still in this bed broken 
Waiting 

As I'm left with your picture 
You need to finish the story 
Of a long lost love 

Who remains 
Separated 

I just need one more minute 

To convince you to never 
Leave again 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Composite

Words compile by time 
Read in order as you lay on my pillow 
I hear your voice 
Laughter echos the room , it's warm in your embrace I am safe 

The world rebuilds as you hold my grey 
Your eyes the ocean I longed to live in as a child 
I slept there at night 

I'm drawing your smile as it erases the lull of the day

As my inbox ends I'm reminded 
You are gone . 

Filing letters away one by one 

Monday, August 4, 2014

Dear Diary

Today was a rough day . I can't put my finger on the moment it all came crashing down for me . 

Maybe it was explaining how my Friday night blind date was a disaster to our receptionist , because my heart belonged to someone else. . 

Maybe it was the fact I work with some not so nice people , and he wasn't there today to cheer me on . 

Maybe it was that song , the way I remembered the way he made my day smile 

Maybe it was the drive with my tears streaming because he is gone 

Maybe 

Just maybe it's how it went down 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Prints

Empty glasses , warm fingerprints still left 
To carry home the hand broken holding 
Her heart that was given back 

Contemplated against the walls of time 
Faith's watch stopped ticking 
Head dropping 

I warm my face in this winter 
Begging her for one last moment in his eyes 
Fingerprints begin to dry 
They run clouded from sorrows eyes 

The grave I carry with me now 
I can't resesitate . I walk along side me now of the person I used to be . 

The other gone , you carry her in your arms . 

There's a chapter I can't write 
A missing child , a missing light 

I sit at this table 
Faith pretends she can't hear my sorrow 
As I warm my breath on the glass 
To feel your hands again 

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Memorial

Rogues the kind that destroy the ship 
The kind that come out of no where 
In a cold night 

Destroying every wall 
Making it's way down every hall 
Drowning you and everything inside 

It's consuming 
How the night  and the water 
Sing my funeral 
I couldn't hide 
I knew it this time
I stood on the deck and let it take me 

I was bare 
The mass I built for years 
So strong and steady went down first 
Hand stitched the photographed memory 

The water was warm 
As I fell under neath 
Feeling all that was buried within 

The rogue was my seine
Dying to him 
To never live again the same